Reading Reviews for Butterfly Effect
  
22 Reviews Found

Review #1, by lindslo2012 Prologue

21st October 2014:
Hey there! :)
So this is a very intense prologue you have going on here. I feel so bad for her, and it sucks how things can happen in just the blink of an eye- unfortunately things like this happen to people every day.
You did very well with the characterization of this girl, she seems like a wonderful girl who's world is unfortunately all of the sudden falling apart :(
I enjoyed the way you put the detail in very much, I think my favorite line was about the sheets..

"I watched Mum sleep peacefully; drops of red blossomed around her, breaking the monotone of the clean white sheets."
^ that made me feel like I was in the room with them watching all of this happen. I hate that this has to happen to this poor girl... and I hope things eventually get better for her. I hope you come back and rerequest because I think this story is going to be great!

-Lindsey

Author's Response: Hey Lindsey!

I'm glad you liked this. I really wanted to keep the prologue fast paced to draw the readers in and give a small glimpse into Jenna's background. The following chapters will be a bit more slow but have a lot of drama involved as well. Since it's my first Next Gen and I'm really not confident writing teenage drama (shocker) I'd love any kind of feedback I get.

I actually rephrased that sentence quite a few times until I ended up with this. :D it's great that it caught your attention!

I'm definitely re-requesting. I'm happy you liked this and I'm so nervous and interested to know what you think of the following chapters. Thanks for the review!


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Review #2, by Roisin Prologue

8th September 2014:
Hello! Here for the swap!

Oh man what an incredibly strong first chapter! I loved how it started so in medias res. So much happened, yet I was still left with so many questions, and really really engaged. Nicely done!

I was able to gather that the narrator was female, either a child or adolescent (but maybe older because she swore? I'm just going on her relative age to Zac), and probably a muggle--and there is still SO MUCH I want to know! You did a great job of withholding information to provoke curiosity, but still gave so much rich detail to this chapter (I weirdly loved that she noticed the "expensive looking pen.")

My only two concerns were:
-Do people play American Football much in England? I haven't personally ever heard much of that, but that doesn't mean they can't play it.
-If Zac was having surgery, he's be out of the ER, and in the OR. A very very minor thing, and hardly a big deal!

Otherwise, I thought you did the perspective of scared family in a hospital really well. The narrator's hyper attention to detail, frustration/anger, filling out forms without really reading them--all of it was perfect and accurate!

This was all just a very *disciplined* sort of chapter. You give us expository details that are important for setting up the characters, but none of the info we expect. You switch from a really tense and nerve racking scene, to a fun and pleasant memory.

It's really rare in fics that, after the first chapter, I'm still SUPER curious about how magic comes in! BRAVO.

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for the swap!

Haha, thanks! :D I always think that the first chapter should be interesting enough to make the reader curious to read on so I'm glad I was able to accomplish that.

Jenna's in her teens, which will be revealed in the next chapter. This one basically sets the foundation for the events to come and there'll be more details appearing through the chapters!

Well, they're having some fun family time so I don't see why not! :)

I'll fix the OR detail, thanks for pointing it out! I still haven't gotten around to editing this yet so I'll keep that in mind when I do.

Thank you so much for the fantastic review! I hope you come back some time to read further!

~Erin


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Review #3, by Aphoride Chapter 2

2nd September 2014:
Hey there, dropping by for the Blue v Bronze Review Battle! :)

So I know you wanted a review on We Are One, but I do love this story and so I wanted to come back here instead, so I hope that's okay! :)

I love how Jenna's so worried about her dad and about failing and forgets things when she's distracted, like thinking about her dad or failure or the cute boy, haha. They're such human traits and not always the usual ones you see in an OC, so I really like that. She's a very human, very real character, and her reactions, and those of her friends are so good. Like, when Lily had to be persuaded to go and talk to her again - that happens all the time when two people feel wronged, whether friends or not!

The bit about her dad was so sad, too, though I like how you stated it almost calmly, not focusing too much on it. It gave the impression of almost normalcy, you know, which makes it even more frightening and overwhelming for her to have to deal with. You just kinda wanna hug her and her dad and convince them it'll all be alright, you know?

The story her friends told - Emily and Lisa - was really funny. I have friends who do that interjecting, interrupting thing too, haha, and my sisters do it as well, so it really reminds me of real life, you know? Which is great! Also, it was a nicely low-key way to bring up the romantic entanglements, you know, with two people just getting together, having I'm guessing liked each other for a while... it was just really, really sweet :)

Poor Jenna, though - you always make me feel sorry for her, no matter what happens! :P But she's an amazing character, and your writing in this is so good - so evocative and emotional. It's lovely!

So glad I came back to read this :)

Aph xx

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Review #4, by Aphoride Chapter 1

27th August 2014:
Hey there! Stopping by for our review swap! I really wanted to swap with you, because I remembered this story and how curious the beginning had made me.

So yeah, I love the character you've got here - how there's still in the background the thought of her mother and brother's deaths (which is great, because things like that don't ever really go away) and memories associated with them which sometimes she finds hard. It links this chapter up beautifully to the prologue. I liked the little mentions of things she liked - statistics and so on, and how she and Lily got on and she wanted to have friends and at the beginning was so nervous about going to school. She's a really great character - I really wanna know how you develop her! :)

Her dad was great, too. I loved how you wrote him as worrying about her, and she knows that and she worries about him too, and he asks her all those normal little questions people ask when their kid's moving schools, or someone bumped into them. There was such a great sense of normalcy and sort of familiarity with this scene, which I loved, but you wrote it so well and so differently from the HP scenes, that the similarities didn't matter :) Her dad is just such a great guy - seems so sensible and calm and worried about her. So sweet!

The one thing I would say is that while your physical description is fine - as in people, places, etc. - you don't do much, I guess, internal description. As in like, what she feels like, and so on. Like when she thinks of her brother - what does she feel? How does she react? That kind of thing. Just something I noticed reading through this - I wanted to mention it because the set up for this is so good, I want it to be brilliant! :D

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Is it going to be Lily II/Jenna? Or not? I don't know... but the whole 'blowing hair on the back of her neck' and shivering thing, and Tara's comment... ah, I dunno!

Anyway, I love Lily II and Tara - again, they're just such brilliant characters. You really have a knack with that, you know ;) I loved how Lily likes stats and things too, and they immediately talk to Jenna and kinda become friends from that moment - such a nice thing to do! Also, the sweets bit made me laugh and the whole thing about the chocolate frog cards... huh, I kinda wanna know how many cards are Harry Potter cards too :P

Your writing is so lovely - so evenly-paced and so smooth, and the description in it is great! I love the idea that she's from France (I love France, haha!) and how she had to be sorted first (poor girl...) and all, and the way this is developing is so so good so far! :)

Thank you so much for the swap! :)

Aph xx

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Review #5, by Aphoride Prologue

20th August 2014:
Hey there! Dropping by for our review swap! :)

So I didn't read this when it was a one-shot, but I have to say that it makes a wonderful premise for a story! :)

I love how you started it without us knowing what exactly had happened to her mum and brother - it made the feeling in the writing so raw and powerful, because, really, we didn't need to know to get that it was heartbreaking stuff. The way she was shouting, repeating herself - it just really brought to life this kind of panic and fear and everything, which is so real, you know? I loved as well how her dad just signed the forms without thinking, because it might save them - there's something in that, you know, again that kind of realistic, sense of desperation for them to get better...

The one thing I was confused about was the football thing... with the touchdown... like, you use 'Mum' so I'm assuming they're English (or meant to be?) but the touchdown confused me because in English football there's no touchdown... :/ If I've missed something, feel free to kick me! :P

I'm so curious to see where this goes from here - her mum and brother having been killed by the truck driver, it must be so traumatic, and particularly in such a sudden way... that's the kind of thing which defines you. It changes things, and I'm curious to see how she reacts to that and how it affects her life and all... from your summary before (I think) I think James II comes into it? But I'm not sure...

Your writing is so powerful, though. It's simple but so evocative - you really just let the emotions talk, and that allows me as the reader to just feel. It's lovely, and so fast-paced as well, it's great.

So yeah, this is a really, really great start and I'm disappointed I didn't read the original one-shot! :)

Aph xx

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Review #6, by Veritaserum27 Prologue

20th August 2014:
Hi Erin!

Here for review swap version 2.0!

GREAT first chapter. From word one you captured the reader in a frenetic pace, relaying the urgency of the situation. You gave us hope that both Annabelle and Zac might make it, but then you took it away at the end (mean Erin!)

The football scene is really sweet. They are obviously a really close and loving family. It seems that they have a lot in common with each other as well. So sad to see them torn apart.

I'm really curious about a lot of things. I want to know how this fits into next gen - other than the date. I want to know how this fits into the Wizarding world - obviously this family were Muggles. I can make a guess that one of the kids is magical, but that may not be the case. You've done a fabulous job of giving us all the important details, but leaving out just enough so the reader wants to know more.

I'm also curious as to how Jenna handles this. You've given me much to ponder. Does she try to go back in time to change the accident? Or does she just view this single point in time as a turning point because she feels like she is now living in an alternate universe? Hmmm...

Great job, as usual!

Beth

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Review #7, by True Author Prologue

12th August 2014:
Hi! Here for the review swap!

Wow, sounds like you've got a really interesting plot here. I thought this would be something else when I read the title and summary. So now I'm even more intrigued where the plot will go and how it goes with the title. :)

I loved how we got a glimpse of Zac and his mum before they died. That made the incident too real and effective. The last sentence is crazily intriguing and I just have to know what happens the poor girl :(

Great chapter! So sorry I'm a little late! RL is so busy that I'm hardly active on the site. I also know this is a really short review, but this was just the introduction so I promise I'll leave a detailed review for the next chapter. Hope I'll have some free time soon!

Ashwini

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Review #8, by Pretense Of Perfection Chapter 4

28th July 2014:
Wow, you do such a wonderful job getting Jenna's pain across the pages, it really comes to life. I'm glad we finally get to find out what happened to her mother, and how she died. I feel so bad for her dad, unable to cope with their loss.

I'm really beginning to wonder why Jenna is so adament about Lily not knowing what's happened to her. I know she's a very private person and doesn't really want anyone to know, but it seems like she's going to great lengths to keep Lily specifically from finding out.

Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of Lily, it seems like she has some stuff going on as well, as snogging a guy right in the hallway is a bit risky, especially for a prefect. I hope her and Jenna can work out their differences and become friends again.

You've done such a lovely job with this story so far, it's going to be so hard to choose a winner for the challenge, as all of the entries are amazing. Keep up the good work, and I'll definitely be back to check for updates!!

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Review #9, by Pretense Of Perfection Chapter 3

28th July 2014:
Aw, poor Jenna, the hits just keep on coming.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way at all, because I think it's pretty characteristic of a teenage girl with a famous father, but I honestly feel that most of the things Jenna said to Lily were right. Lily just doesn't know when to stop, and seems a bit inept at picking up on small social cues. Her "worry" seems a bit like badgering at some points, perhaps even bullying, and I almost feel bad for Jenna for putting up with it, lol. With that being said I think that's just her character and personality, but boy, I don't think her and I would be friends.

You really do a wonderful job with descriptions and characterizations. Aside from Lily, I really like Jenna and think her personality is really starting to shine through. I imagine all of the other girls would gossip about her, and I like how she sort of stands up for herself.

Another awesome chapter, I can't wait to read more!!

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Review #10, by Pretense Of Perfection Chapter 2

28th July 2014:
I love how we learn more about Jenna with each chapter. I think her fears of not being able to keep up due to having a different curriculum are very realistic, especially with her being a transfer student.

I loved her interaction with the Ravenclaw boy, and how she spaces out and imagines the two of them together on the Quidditch pitch. I think Lily is a bit too judgmental, being mad at her for something she doesn't quite understand, although it's sweet that she tries to understand, and realizes that she's being kind of unreasonable.

I think the classes and her day were paced perfectly, and the bit about her melting her cauldron and not knowing where her classes were was pretty funny.

With that being said, I think the ending, where her two room-mates come out and declare they kissed and are now a couple felt a teensy bit rushed. Unless I looked over it, there wasn't really any indication that they were interested in each other, and since we don't know much about them yet it just felt a bit forced.

Nothing major though, and I love the story so far! I can't wait to see where Jenna's adventures take her!

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Review #11, by Pretense Of Perfection Chapter 1

28th July 2014:
Another interesting chapter!

The idea of transfer students has always fascinated me, as we don't really know of any from canon, but obviously it had to happen, at least occasionally.

I love how we got to know Jenna better in this chapter, from her home life, to her past and her personality. I'm so glad she got sorted into the houses where one of her new friends is, and I'm sure her and Lily will be great friends.

I really liked the part in the beginning where the student falls into the lake and the giant squid puts him back in the boat, it was a very nice, and authentic feeling touch!

Keep up the good work!

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Review #12, by Pretense Of Perfection Prologue

28th July 2014:
Wow, what a great start!

I loved reading the last moments of the family being together, it was really touching. The scene flowed naturally, and you did wonderful, especially since you don't usually write next-gen.

Zac's death, unfortunately, did not come as much of a shock, but Annabelle's certainly did. It seemed as though she was going to be okay, and the healer certainly didn't imply that her injuries were extensive enough to be fatal, but perhaps that was the point? I guess I'll just have to read on and see.

You did a lovely job with Jenna, her anguish over her families' tragedy really comes across. The part in the beginning, with her shouting and trying to find out where they were being kept felt very genuine.

Lovely start!!

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Review #13, by Cait Chapter 3

23rd July 2014:
Absolutely loving this story - I'm hooked! I can't wait for the next update and hop it's very soon :D

Author's Response: I'm so happy you like it! The next chapter should be up within the week. Thank you for your review!

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Review #14, by AdinaPuff Chapter 3

22nd July 2014:
Hi, here with your requested review!

I'll start by saying that I love your writing style. You are great at keeping the suspense, and the secrets, at just the right amount. You keep not only the other characters around Jenna guessing, but the reader as well. You never do quite explain everything completely, just enough where we can understand fully but not have every detail, which leaves us guessing. Like, the Lily situation, for example. We don't know Jenna's exact feelings toward her, but you've dropped enough hints that I suspect a little more than friendship. It seems Jenna is attracted to her. But you haven't told us, and I love that! There are a few other examples to this as well, too.

Your plot is building wonderfully. You made it aware that Lily and her seem to have a thing for each other, and that will play into it. You've added friends and fellow roommates as contributing factors to the story, and they will no doubt at a role at one time or another. Her father being hospitalized emphasizes how important his depression will be to the story, and just how much it will affect Jenna. Jenna seems to be depressed as well, which I'm sure she is without a positive reinforcement from her father. Her depression will surely play a large role into her relationships and getting through the year at Hogwarts.

Jenna is a unique character, as are the others. Your characterization is rather perfect. I wish you would give us an example of her father's behavior, like a flashback or a story to them having a conversation normally. In the first chapter, they only said goodbyes to each other. I want to know more of her father so I could picture him more.

What a great story you have here! I enjoyed it! Come back any time!

-Leigh

Author's Response: Hello Leigh! Thank you for getting to this so quickly! And welcome to the site! :D

Wow, thank you so much. I was incredibly nervous for this because Next Gen, as well as my first JulNo, so that compliment of yours has just got me squeeing so much! You're right. Jenna and Lily do have a thing, but it's not until much later that they finally figure it out.

I love bringing in some kind of psychological aspect to my stories, and here it's PTSD and depression. Jenna is actually stronger than she seems. I'm not going to reveal anything more.

Her father's behavior does come up soon. Chapter six, I think. I'd love to know your thoughts once that's up!

Thank you so much for the lovely review! I'll drop by once I have a couple more chapters up.

~Erin


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Review #15, by diamondmoon Chapter 3

20th July 2014:
Hi there :D

I think in this chapter, you came on kind of strong with Lily and Jenna. She just kind of seemed mad at Jenna from the start for no reason and then Lily just shut her out completely. You might want to add more to that situation, because it seemed a little out of place. Poor Jenna though ): no one seems to know what's going on in her life.

You can re-request once you have a new chapter up. I'd be happy to review again (:

8/10

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Review #16, by diamondmoon Chapter 2

20th July 2014:
I'm back!

This was another really good chapter. I like Carl a lot. I see something happening in the future between him and Jenna... I really liked Jenna's characterization in this chapter. It's nice that just because she's a Ravenclaw, she's not perfect in every clas* (for some reason that shows up as being not 12+ so I have to put that there) which gives her a little bit of dimension. The end was very interesting with Lisa and Emily. I'm curious on how that will play out. The only thing is I'm a bit confused on what happened with Jenna and Professor Chang. It seemed like she didn't say anything bad about her and cla*ses. And then Lily got mad at her and I don't really see much of a reason.

Overall, nice chapter!

9/10

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Review #17, by diamondmoon Chapter 1

20th July 2014:
Hello again (:

I was very surprised with this chapter. I wasn't really sure what it'd be like but I had a lot of fun reading it. I really like Jenna, she seems very interesting. And I like the other character a lot as well. And I'm curious on who the boy was that Jenna bumped into.

Anyway, I was very impressed with this. Great job!

10/10

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Review #18, by diamondmoon Prologue

20th July 2014:
Hi!

Ohmigod :O. This is so sad ):

Your description was very good. It really painted a picture how Jenna was feeling. And I liked the beginning because it really made me wonder who were Zac and Annabelle?

I really wouldn't call this a prologue. A prologue is usually very vague without information, doesn't say what's happening and basically is there to make you ask questions. But since you're telling the reader exactly what's going on, it's more like a chapter.

It does make me wonder about Jenna though. Who she is, if she knows she's a witch or not, how old is she, etc. It makes me want to go to the next chapter and find out. I'm guessing that the plot is about Jenna dealing with the loss of her mother and brother. I don't know if you plan to or not, but I would go a bit bigger than that. Make sure it doesn't revolve just on Jenna feeling sad because that's kind of hard to enjoy reading. That's just a heads up though.

This was a good start, I think you're in a good place! I'll review the next chapter soon (:

7/10

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Review #19, by lumos_knox Prologue

13th July 2014:
Hi! Here for the BvB review battle!

I really enjoyed this. You've done a great job at Next-Gen in my opinion.

It's so sad, though! I liked the start in the hospital, it got me hook, line and sinker. The switch between past and present was a good idea- I would just indicate that it was the past with italics or something to separate it.

The way you contrasted between happy and sad was very clever. One minute, in the hospital, the mood is tense, then when you switch to the football field it becomes a lot more relaxed. The last line I found very powerful. What a cliffhanger! It's a good thing I can read on, then.

I enjoyed this very much.

Thanks for sharing!

Lauren

Author's Response: Hi Lauren! First of all, thanks so much for reading this. I really needed some feedback.

Oh my gosh, you have no idea how happy that made me! Next Gen is just a dangerous territory for me and I'm so nervous while writing this so I'm incredibly glad that you enjoyed this!

I used the past to give some kind of background on what was happening. I haven't edited any of the chapters yet so I will be putting in the italics when I do.

Yay, thank you! I hope you read on!


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Review #20, by patronus_charm Prologue

8th July 2014:
Hey Erin!

Ooh so this was certainly dramatic with so much happening throughout and definitely set the scene really well for what was going to happen in the rest of the story. I really liked the fast pace of it all as it was just so much more fun to follow that way, and definitely kept the interest up throughout. I thought it was fitting it was sort of blur like too as that what I imagine it to be for Jenna as this her mum and brother so no wonder she didnít take everything in.

But poor them, dying like that, I really wonder what the backstory is to it as I canít quite figure it out now but Iím really intrigued so see what happens next. Jenna seems like quite a cool person too, so thatís good! Just one tiny thing to improve the flow is perhaps writing the numbers in their word form instead of numerical as it makes reading it a lot easier and is general the preferred thing in written prose but other than that it was really good!

-Kiana
House Cup 2014 Review!

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Review #21, by Beeezie Prologue

7th July 2014:
Hey! You mentioned wanting feedback on the prologue of your JulNo, and I love reviewing Ravenclaw stories, so here I am!

And oh my god. This was gut-wrenching. It really was.

However, I do think that it's a good prologue - it's short, to the point, and sets the stage for the rest of the story, which I assume will deal with these deaths to some extent (though also with a lot of other things!). I'm a big fan of the butterfly effect as a concept, so I'll definitely be adding this to my 'to read' list and will try to keep up with it. :)

That said, I do think that the chapter was a little bit choppy in places. Don't get me wrong - I liked it a lot. However, there were a few points I felt you could have expanded on. For example, in the beginning, you describe what's happening, but you don't really describe how Jenna is feeling. I think that if you include a little more of that, particularly at the start, it will be a little easier for readers to identify and sympathize with Jenna, which is important at the start of a novel.

I also wasn't quite sure how her mother died - the impression I got from the doctor was that her mother would pull through but her brother probably wouldn't, so getting a little more detail on that would have helped illuminate things a bit for me.

Overall, though, these are minor concerns. I think that this is a great start, and I'm really eager to read more!

House Cup 2014 - Ravenclaw

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Review #22, by Ravenclaw333 Prologue

6th July 2014:
House Cup 2014 Review!

Ah, Erin, it's up! I'm so excited for this story and can't wait to see where you take everything!

This was a brilliant start - it gives a good introduction to Jenna and of course the tragedy of losing her family. You've included a lot of detail in a short space - the flashbacks of earlier that day, the lasting image of a happy family and how quickly it was torn apart. The shock of everything really comes through, especially in your final line - I wouldn't have expected it if I didn't already know what was going to happen, especially her mum and how there seemed to be some hope for her.

There are a couple of points where you could go over your grammar - ellipses (...) are always three dots, and make sure that dialogue from a new speaker is on a new line. Other than that, though, this is a brilliant start and I'm super excited for the rest of the story!

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