2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lululuna That Voice of His

13th June 2014:
Hello! :) I'm here to review your entry for the Slytherin May Writing Challenge.

I like how you jumped right into the action and the scene. There was some wonderful description in this piece, but your writing here has a very confident and direct tone to it which I really enjoyed and which suited this story very well. There are no real secrets in this story between Yaxley and Narcissa, and that feeling of their mutual understanding yet inability to be together and betray Lucius was very well written.

It's interesting, because while the romance aspects of the story with Narcissa and her two suitors are very swoon-worthy and quite adorable in some ways, I almost wanted her to stand up for herself and say she didn't need a man. Yaxley's thought that if Lucius died, he would stand up and take care of Narcissa was almost irritating because he didn't ask her if that's what she would want, but promised to take over the woman and almost own her, in a way. It was a very interesting direction for the romance to take as it showed the complicated and almost regressive dynamics of the pureblood families which fits Narcissa quite well.

You did a good job also of showing the impact the war would have on Narcissa, and the horror of having people killed in her own home. Though she's almost incapable of actually voicing her fear and horror, Yaxley's comforting did a strong job of showing how frightening the war was for her - it's not about glory at all.

I think my favourite line was the one with the almost-kiss. It was so close, so bittersweet and very endearing at the same time, and just a lovely moment.

Well done with this story, I really enjoyed it! :D Thanks again for entering the challenge! :)

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Review #2, by Lorz Potter That Voice of His

7th June 2014:
This was really good I must admit I want site about it when I read the summary but it's the only story about unrepochieted love that has the characters do the right thing and it was sweet seeing the honourable side to a death eater. One thing I would say would be to think more about how narcissa feels for yaxley. She seems to be tempted by him but it doesn't quite fit with her portrayal as only loving her husband. It wasn't the story I expected but it was better that way and I liked the fact you made something original that I haven't seen before.
XX
Lorz

Author's Response: Lorz,

Well, hello there! And thank you so much for being the 1st to review this story. I was wondering if anyone would take a chance on it. LOL!

Yes, Yaxley has an honorable side, even being the Death Eater that he is. And sometimes, the characters should do the right thing and leave well-enough alone, even if it breaks their hearts. ;(

I do need to go back and give a bit of Narcissa's views on Yaxley. Mainly, I think she needs to think of him as everything that drew her to Lucius (powerful, wealthy, confident, respected, etc...). To me, Yaxley has these same qualities that would certainly feed her temptation.

Thanks so much for mentioning this. I think I shall update it on your advice.

And truly, thank you for saying that it is something original. I honestly haven't seen a Yaxley/Narcissa before either. He is so minor, he isn't even listed as a possible character when posting on HPFF, so I had to put "Other Canon." :D

Anyway, thank you truly for reviewing. It is much appreciated and made my day!

Sincerely,
Dark Whisper


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