44 Reviews Found

Review #1, by crestwood How Form the Biggest Crush on Aries Evensong

28th August 2014:
Hello again :)

I was literally laughing out loud at everything Scorpius said or did in this chapter. Especially 'NO! said Scorpius high-pitched, feigning a dramatic shock.' I could just picture his voice cracking and a mock-concerned look on his face, it was a hilarious mental image.

I previously said that I wanted to see more of Harley and THIS is why. She's so loud and vulgar and it's just so compelling to watch. This is the funniest chapter yet, almost everything is funny. Just the situations Albus finds himself in are. Like how he ends up hiding in a tree because two random girls are talking about parts of his cousin he shouldn't be hearing about haha. Where do you come up with this stuff?

For some reason, I didn't find Albus' persistent seeking of knowledge about and following of Aries creepy at all. Maybe because I could see it was out of pure, keen interest. His love of her laugh and voice was actually so romantic and it felt less like he was trying to follow her around in order to take advantage of her or catch her undressing or something and more like he was settling for watching from afar until he could work up the courage to show her just how much he cares. At the end, it seems as though he's made up his mind to confront her face to face and finally tell her how he feels. At least I hope that's what he plans to do.

I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes as I read and the flow is fine. None of the scenes dragged on or anything. I thought that the flashback was absolutely essential actually, because it explains how Albus feels about Aries and none of their interactions would make any sense without the information you gave us during it. You did a really good job with this chapter. Thank you for the request!

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Review #2, by alexaemd123 How Form the Biggest Crush on Aries Evensong

27th August 2014:
Aw!!! I love this story so much! Please update faster then you usually do. :) I just can't wait for another chapter!! :)

Author's Response: I'm super glad to hear that. I already written up to Chapter 13. Things are getting interesting. =P I will try my hardest to update ASAP. =) Thanks for R&R!

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Review #3, by kenpo About Last Night

16th August 2014:
Oh man. Harley is such a character. She made me laugh. I hope she's being safe, what with all the guys she's been with! It's good that she's so comfortable with herself, haha. I'm also really glad that there's someone telling Aries that she's not an s-word (really, is that 12+? I should find out)

I'm so mad at Al. I don't care if his feelings are hurt that she assumed he thought it was a hook-up. After he assaulted her, he blames it on her. Seriously? I really don't think that anything either of these characters do would change my opinion about them.

I mean... I get it that Albus was hurt, but does he really not see that what he did was wrong? If he does, then it's just even more disgusting that he would say that to her.

I think I actually dislike Albus more than James. At least James doesn't try to hide the type of guy he is...

Ugh. I really hope that Aries can get through this. She's really having a bad couple of days...

-Georgia

Author's Response: Hi again,

I am super glad you like Harley. She is suppose to bring some lightness into all this. And she is suppose to be use as a huge contrast to Aries.

What Al said was very mean and hurtful and cruel. But so many people say things they don't mean when they are angry. Hopefully, he can be forgiven.

And these days for Aries will get much worse.

Thanks so much for R&R! And I had so much fun participating in your Friendship Challenge.


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Review #4, by kenpo How it Happened with...Albus

16th August 2014:
Hello!

Based on the chapter title, I was guessing how this chapter would go :). Is she going to find out that she's pregnant, but not know whose it is? I can see how that would drive a wedge between the brothers...

Albus seems sweeter, and I hate to say it, but... it absolutely wasn't okay for him to have sex with her. It was very very clear from her actions that she was incredibly drunk, and I'm so disappointed in Albus that he took advantage of her. If she's that drunk, she really can't give consent, and I hope it's addressed at some point in the rest of the story that it isn't okay. She seems to think that he was being romantic, when... he wasn't.

I feel so horribly for Aries at this point, especially when she woke up having the thoughts she did. She seems to feel guilty about the events of the night, when really... with James it was borderline assault, but with Albus, based on how drunk she was, it's hardly even a question. It's so horrible that she thinks of herself as an s-word (is that word 12+? I honestly don't know, but better safe than sorry)

I really hope she doesn't feel badly about herself for too long. And I really hope both of the guys at some point recognize that what they did was really wrong. Wrong in different ways, though. It didn't seem like she was that drunk with James, so he was just being a huge jerk to her and taking advantage of an unhealthy obsession. I really don't think that Albus had any ill intentions, but... she was too drunk.

I feel so bad for her. I'm really worried about how this will change her outlook on life and relationship with her friends, and I just feel so bad for her!!!

I think the flow in this chapter was even better than in the first, and really worked for the story. I also didn't see many typos, and once again, don't feel the need to single any of them out.

I'm also really curious to see how Albus will feel about this...

I'll see you at the next chapter!!

-Georgia

Author's Response: HIYA! ^__^

Yes, you predicted right. She and her soon to come situation will stir a lot of things.

Yes, both did wrong especially for her first times. Aries does indeed have many insecurities and it shows by her actions.=/ BUT she will develop as a character. I love making them grow.

Anyway, thanks so much for R&R! =D


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Review #5, by kenpo How it Happened WithJames

16th August 2014:
Hello!

I think you did a really good job setting the scene of the party. I'm also really curious to know what James really looks like. I'm guessing that Aries doesn't have an accurate picture of him, given how much of a crush she seems to have.

That being said, her crush does seem to border on a really unhealthy obsession, and I'm really worried about Aries' decision making skills in the future chapters. I hope that she can get a little more confidence in herself!

I have to be honest and say that I'm sort of disturbed by the beginning of James' and Aries' relationship. I'm guessing you meant to portray him as sort of a jerk, but then later giving him more back-story that would explain his actions? The way that he was encouraging her to drink more and more, and then the repetition of "she did as she said" really gave me the creeps, especially because they ended up sleeping together two seconds after her first kiss.

The other line that was really concerning to me was: as she began to feel more confused by the moment by his lack of gentleness. I just feel really horribly for her in this moment, because she seems like she absolutely wasn't ready for this, and he took advantage of her. I really hope that later in the story you make it clear that this wasn't okay, no matter what other stuff James has going on, this wasn't okay.

There were a few typos here and there, but nothing so major that I feel like I need to single it out. It seemed to move pretty quickly, but I think you meant for it to be like that, and it worked for the story.

I'll be back for chapter 2 in a bit!

-Georgia

Author's Response: HI AGAIN! =D

Thanks so much. I try to detail the description as much as I can. Yes, Aries does indeed overestimate his qualities, he is popular and good-looking, but not to the godly extent she is making it.

Yes, she has pretty much zero self-confidence which makes her latch onto people.

Yes, James is a jerk and Aries as the sucker. It wasn't right for either of them. But sometimes it is realistic in the way it portrays teens sometimes. =/ She was okay with her decision at the moment, she'll make that clearer later, but will regret it as many girls/women do after basically having a one-night stand.

Yes, it was suppose to. There will be flashbacks that give background from the characters.

Thanks for R&R! =)


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Review #6, by KiNG HUFFLEPUFF How to Easily Fall In Love with James Potter

13th August 2014:
Good chapter. James isn't that bad.

Author's Response: THANKS and no he isn't haha well, so you think now. =X

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Review #7, by HPMermaidMaiden How to Easily Fall In Love with James Potter

13th August 2014:
Somewhat filler-y, but I do get why you need to do this. I learned a lot about the characters & it was interesting even if it wasn't drama-packed. Good chapter.

Author's Response: I am glad you learn more about the characters & it was interesting as well! Thanks for R&R!

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Review #8, by Tris  How to Easily Fall In Love with James Potter

9th August 2014:
I like the story, like the chapter. It is good--wish the new chapter was for till death though! Hahaha you can't always get what you want though... Can you?

Author's Response: Thanks! It is great to hear that. Haha & I try my best to update all my stories and do challenges. BUT I have no control over validation times. BUT thanks for taking the time to R&R this story. =)

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Review #9, by crestwood How to Easily Fall In Love with James Potter

8th August 2014:
Hello again!

At first I hated James in this story for what he did to Aries in the first chapter, but in this chapter and the last you've forced me to feel such empathy for him. Who knew he'd have helped her out so much and been so kind. It's interesting that I can't keep one opinion of him throughout this story. That probably points towards realistic characterization, as real people are usually not one way or another.

I like the use of the flashback here because it has a clear purpose. It's also interesting how all of your chapters have a theme. Like, they each only focus on one of the brothers. And they focus on one thing, such as, how she ended up sleeping with that brother. The only person James has loved. The aftermath to her sleeping with Albus. The reason she fell in love with James.

I love that you compartmentalize the chapters in that way because it enables you to really dive into each of those things and explain fully every important event. This chapter was definitely interesting. I love seeing characters in different ways than I expected. I can only think that going forward we're going to get a whole lot more character exploration and I can't wait for that. Thank you for your request and please re-request again!

Author's Response: HI! Thanks for reviewing as requested! =D And so quickly too, I might add.

Yes, James can been seen through different lens. He can either be hated or loved b/c people sympathize with him. And you are right, in life, people have different opinions of an individual that can be conflicting with someone else. The reader might dislike him, but the character might like him.

I am glad to hear you like the flashbacks. I was afraid the flashbacks were boring, but I felt like it had a purpose for each character so the last flashback will be Albus.

Thanks so much for reviewing & the next chapter I have every intention to request! XOXO


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Review #10, by alexaemd123 How to Easily Fall In Love with James Potter

7th August 2014:
I really love the plot! And I love James!!! These chapters are kind of filler but they are necessary! Can't wait for the story to start! :)

Author's Response: Aw, thanks. I am so worried about this fic, but you reassured me! I am surprised you like James. It's honestly great to hear =D It will start after Al's flashback and progress. I hope you enjoy it!

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Review #11, by g How to Not Trust Girls

19th July 2014:
Wow I love this story.. Update plzz X

Author's Response: WOW! Thanks so much =D I promise that I will update. But Next update MIGHT be a while b/c I have to get other chapters up and it all depends on the validation times. ANYWAY, regardless THANKS SO MUCH! XOXO

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Review #12, by VeronicaOlivia How to Not Trust Girls

17th July 2014:
I really love this story so far, especially how you started off with the actions of both brothers and now we are starting to get to know them more. Initially, I was thinking, James is such an idiot but now as the story goes on, we learn more about him and thus, understand him.
Keep writing! It's great!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for letting me know how you feel about this =) Yes, each of the brother's is as important as the other! James still is an idiot, it's okay, it's okay, no need to be nice LOL BUT yes, James is alot more than what you see. Thanks a ton for R&R! XOXO

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Review #13, by crestwood How to Not Trust Girls

12th July 2014:
Hey! Back again :)

From the very beginning, Chanel seems so interesting. I can understand why James would fall for her, despite her repeated warnings against it. You've succeeded in making me feel sorry for James throughout this chapter. I haven't quite yet forgiven him for his earlier behavior but I can say that I somewhat understand why he seemed so callous. The plotline is interesting so far, of course and the flow in this chapter is a bit fast, but that makes sense to me as it was just a memory. You compressed an entire relationship between two people into one chapter and it wasn't done sloppily and didn't feel unnatural, so that's a victory in my book. I really love this story, thank you for your request once again!

Author's Response: HI!

Thanks a ton for responding to my requested review.

I'm surprised you think Chanel is interesting. I thought of her the typical gardening tool, but friendly. I am happy to hear I was able to provoke from sympathy for James even if he isn't completely forgiven. But this chapter was to show some background to James. Everyone has their own experiences to get them where they are at.

I am also glad to hear this chapter was done sloppily. I was afraid it might feel rush b/c it is hard to see people fall in love in one whole chapter.

Anyway, thanks again for R&R! =D


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Review #14, by marauderfan How it Happened WithJames

11th July 2014:
I am finally here with your requested review, and so sorry it took weeks for me to get to it! :(

The things you've asked about in your request: first of all plotline. As it's only the first chapter I'm not sure where it will go yet (apart from some romantic troubles for poor Aeris) but you've got a strong start to your story so far.

Flow: It moves quickly, but that's clearly the point ;) One thing I noticed though is that it jumps back and forth between Aeris and James' POV's a bit which can sometimes be hard to follow. But if you want to include both main characters' perspectives, my suggestion would be to do the chapter in sections so it's clear who is the narrator and then you can avoid switching POVs mid-paragraph.

Characterisation. At first, I read that paragraph about James and I was like "what seventeen year old ACTUALLY looks that fit?" and then I realised it's because Aeris is borderline obsessed with him, so of course she's seeing him through rose-coloured lenses. And then her descriptions got a lot funnier, and I enjoyed the mental image of Aeris in a corner creepily staring at James :P And I mean, I can kind of understand her being too shy to talk to her crush though and just sits there watching him! :p Your description of Aeris' personality is really well done. She's incredibly insecure, and although she never says so, it's plain to see in all of her actions.

And OMG JAMES. I want to hit him over the head with a Beater's bat for taking advantage of Aeris! He seems to only be interested in pushing her as far as he can before she tries to get him to stop (which she won't because she's infatuated with him) and he uses that for a one-night stand when she's drunk. He is utterly classless. I really do not like James in this story (sorry lol). I also kind of want to strangle Aeris too for doing everything for the wrong reasons. Gah! I wonder what Harley will say when she finds out about Aeris' escapades during the night. I hope she slaps James, because someone needs to.

A couple of picky word choice/order things: 'glass stained windows' should probably be 'stained glass', and a few paragraphs later you said 'intimate' rather than 'imitate'. And I think once or twice you typed Aeris' name as 'Aries'.

Well I think that sums everything up, and sorry about that little rant about James, I hope I didn't come across as too mean :p I hope Aeris gets some self-esteem soon, and I also hope karma comes back to kick James in a sensitive area. Great work on this chapter, though! I do only one chapter per request (that's just to make it fair to everyone) but feel free to re-request!

Author's Response: HI! Thank you for your time to fullfill this requested review!

Flow: Yes, I seem to have trouble with that. I need to have it flow more gently and purposely. I reread the sentence that I think you were speaking about and edited. So, thanks you!

Characterization: Aries is obsessive, so no matter what James does, she continually sees him in a different light that is pleasant & pleasing for herself. I am super glad she comes off as insecure and unsure of herself. She is still trying to find her footing and set off to her own path. =)

And James is not suppose to be the favor LOL I didn't expect readers to like him. Most do not! I completely understand b/c he is portrayed as a jerk. And also thanks a ton for pointing out things that need to be edited and actually edited them already. THANKS SO MUCH!!

Anywho, thanks a ton for R&R! =D


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Review #15, by KiNG HUFFLEPUFF How to Not Trust Girls

9th July 2014:
Good chapter. It was insightful to see the reason behind James' behavior. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for R&R! I want to give characters background. Even Harry had a background! =D

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Review #16, by alexaemd123 How to Not Trust Girls

7th July 2014:
I love this story! When I first read the summary I wasn't too sure of how I would like it but it is amazing so far! Please continue! Oh, plus I was wondering if Aries was going to become pregnant. In your first summary you said she was pregnant. I was just wondering. Anyways, good luck on th story! It's really great!

Author's Response: I am glad you like it so far! Um, yes the story is going to say true to the first summary. The reason why I changed the summary was because I didn't want to give the impression that I would jump straight into the pregnancy, but it will semi- revolve around that. BUT not totally. Ah, but you'll seen soon. I personally don't think its going to be your typically pregenacy story. TRUST ME, it's going to get drama drama drama. LOL thanks for R&R! I hope you can stick with !

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Review #17, by HPMermaidMaiden How to Not Trust Girls

7th July 2014:
AW, I feel bad for James, but that's not an excuse to treat Aries the way he did previous chapters ago. But it makes sense. Good chapter!

Author's Response: Yes, I did want to create sympathy, but of course, just because someone had a bad experience doesn't mean you can be like that to someone else. Thanks again for R&R! =D

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Review #18, by shewhomustnotbenamed_ How to Not Trust Girls

7th July 2014:
Great, you've made me feel sorry for James now! Haha I like this, and I like where it's going, I kind of like James more now, but still rooting for Al, hopefully he'll be back next chapter???
Great story, please update soon! :))

Author's Response: I KNOW! T__T I did want to create sympathy and not have everyone hate him. I don't want him to be the bad guy. HAHA, yeah Al is still the nicer of the two. =)

Thanks so (O's keep going to infinity and beyond) much for R&R! =D


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Review #19, by Tris  How to Not Trust Girls

7th July 2014:
Wow, I thought James was just a butt, but this makes me feel bad for him. I can't wait to find out more!

Author's Response: Aw, James is a person too with a history and a past to build him to the person he is you see in the story. I did want to create sympathy for him =) THANKS A TON FOR R&R!

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Review #20, by Lostmyheart How it Happened WithJames

4th July 2014:
Hi! I'm finally here for your requested review.
I am so sorry for letting you wait for it for so long. RL became stressful (exams, guests and a laptop that broke down? Not the best combo).
Anyway, here I am, finished reading your chapter :)
I really enjoyed reading it! At first it was a little difficult with the new names and such. But I definitely liked your main character and her obsession with James! Though I don't like James much in this story 0_0 Taking her virginity and then just leave like that? She deserves so much better :)
I liked that you gave her and Albus this awkward glance, which kind of indicated that he fancied her, and then when she was in need by the end of the chapter, he was there (presumably to help her back to the Gryffindor tower?)
I loved the details you wrote during this chapter, it made the characters more lively, more real and somehow likeable.
I definitely liked the plot of your story - which explains why the title is like that (I don't blame her, he really is an idiot) and the structure of this chapter is really nice :)

This is a really great story, and you're so talented. But that's no surprise to me, since I've read a few chapters of your Dramione story :)

I hoped you found my reveiw helpful, though I didn't come up with any CC (there really was no need) but I'm afraid you can't re-request as I plan to close my reviews offered thread.
Keep continuing your great work!

- Lostmyheart

Author's Response: HI! It's okay, I totally understand life is stressful, but I hope its a lot better now.
Yes, since it is OC. Also usually with Next-Gen, writers tend to have one of the family members bff w/ the OC, but I have other reasons. I made James an unlikable guy...for now. Yes, I wanted to add Albus to help for the later chapters so its not as random.
Thanks SO MUCH for R&R! =D And thanks for taking your time to review this before you close down your review thread. =)


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Review #21, by shewhomustnotbenamed_ About Last Night

2nd July 2014:
No why does al have to be an idiot??? Yeah definitely prefer Al,! Excited to see where this goes, please update soon! :))

Author's Response: I know ughhh AL! Just had to go screw things up. Sheesh! Yes, very soon things might just get out of hand for our poor Aries =( I promise I will update VERY soon! Thanks so much for R&R!

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Review #22, by lexiatel How it Happened WithJames

30th June 2014:
Wow, James (II) is a total bunhead, I would have never expected that from Harry's son, who is so very sweet.

Anyway, I enjoyed all three of these chapters, surprisingly. I have a read a couple Next Gen stories that didn't much entertain me enough to keep reading, but yours was really good. I REALLY love your portray on Albus, it doesn't sound like he gets the girl though :( shame...

I look forward to more chapters, and thanks for sharing your story with me.

Rated it a 9/10

Author's Response: Yes, James is a jerk. He was his own reason. James is really sweet to family, but since he see him most interact with Aries, he is a bunhead lol

I am glad you like it so far. I'm iffy about Next-Gen as well, but I'm glad you like it!

Thanks a ton for R&R! =D


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Review #23, by Hats For House Elves How it Happened WithJames

29th June 2014:
Hats for House Elves here with the review you requested AGES ago, sorry it took so long.


The triangle between the Potter brothers is a great core to a story, but don't rush it. There is a metric tonne of stuff going on. Give time to all those questions you need to answer in the first couple of chapters. Like where they are, what they're doing, what time of year it is, what year they are in. Show us don't tell us, you do this quite well in dialogue but if you can do it in your description as well that'd be even better.

Remember that while you are writing fanfiction and therefore you can leave some areas to the reader's assumption and imagination, your story still has to stand on it's own two feet. You can get away with not explaining that there are wizards and witches in Britain and that they go to school in a castle etc. But you need to fully immerse the reader into the world like they're one of those wind-up toys. Take a moment in your first couple of chapters to wind up then let them run. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Moving on.

You have a massive spoiler in your author's Note. You say that it's obvious but nowhere in the story summary or anywhere else do you suggest that this story will be a pregnancy plot.

'People will hate you when you come between family especially brothers and that's exactly what quiet, nobody Aries Evensong did, unintentionally of course.
*Fic title inspired by "I'm Sorry, But I'm Beginning to Hate Your Face" by Eagle Seagull'

Doesn't mention pregnancy.

Moving on to Characterisation and flow. It all kind of tie in with description and this is where I begin to ramble. This I'm sorry to say is where the story stumbles a bit. I am left with so many questions that are caused by contradictions.

You have a shy girl with a massive crush who by the end of the chapter has slept with the guy. I don't know about you but if it were me, I would have freaked out somewhere between him handing me a drink and being in the corridor alone with him. It never would have got to kissing. If she's so shy how come she got a month of detentions for a major prank?

Who is your main character? Don't just give us name and appearance then a sentence that sums her personality. Show us how she speaks how she's feeling you suggest Gryffindor had just won a quidditch game, How does our main character feel about quidditch, How much does she invest in the fortunes of the team. That can give you an opportunity to slip in a bit about family and upbringing.

"She is cute, he thought. But she doesn't look like the type for a one-night stand. She looks like she a hopeless romantic. Merlin, I hate those. I'll have sex with her and she'll think I'm some sort of prince charming."

There are two things that I find oh so wrong about this sentence. Feel free to disagree it's your story but First. The rest of the chapter is written from Aeris' perspective and suddenly you've popped into James head just so that you can tell us exactly what he's thinking. We don't need to know what James is thinking, we need to know what Aeris is feeling and what James is doing so we can make a judgement about his character and his motives for ourselves.

Secondly and most importantly I cannot believe for one second that anyone brought up by Harry and Ginny, with major influences from the extended Weasley family would have this kind of attitude towards relationships. Particularly at the age of 17.

Until you show me otherwise I go into this story with my idea of what the Potter children are.

He basically gets a girl drunk to sleep with her. He's not written as drunk so he's taking advantage of her, manipulating her and putting her in a situation everything you've told us so far, would suggest that she doesn't really want to be in. There is a difference between a crush and acting on attraction. Now if you want to write him as that character, you'd have a very interesting story. It would need handling with much more care than 2000 words can afford it. I would guess you're not going for something as uncomfortable as that.

If you are going for the innocent girl swept away by a guy who has the moves. Then we're going to have to see them. James has to work a bit harder for it. There has to be the set moves the jokes, the dropped compliment, the lines that make Aeris think he has been paying special attention to her.

If you pull all that off without the reader knowing that James has done all this before then they'll go on a much better roller coaster than telling us straight up. Let us try and figure him out as Aeris is being swept away.

Mostly great ideas, Very interesting possibilities for a classic hook and plenty of room to work in.

Occasional questionable moments but nothing that can't be fixed.

Any questions feel free to PM me on the forums.

Keep Writing

Hats

Author's Response: Thanks for replying for to my requested review. And I totally understand that its takes time to review b/c we are all busy with our daily lives. ^__^

Yes, I had another story summary that was related to pregnancy and the A/N too. But it is a spoiler since I updates the story summary. And I am going to change that. YIKES!

Aries is quiet, indeed. But it all comes to down to her priorities. She has a borderline obsession with James so since she is thrilled he is paying attention to her, it’s like she is at his command. I wanted readers to become slightly frustrated with her. And the whole prank thing, she was “sucked” in, meaning it was forced. She isn’t anti-social or those extreme shy people. She is just more shy than normal, but not to the extreme of having social issues.
The characters of the main story isn't just Aries, it is also James and Albus. I don'€™t want it to be one-sided. I want it more complex where it becomes that readers are rooting for certain characters. The flow to his thoughts (after I reread them) were not as smooth as I thought it was when I written it. I do want to fix that though. But I just didn'€™t want it from Aries POV which is why

I decided on third-person rather than first. I know with third person you can focus only on one character, but I didn’t. Each of them is as important. Harry & Ginny for sure wouldn’t raise James to be like that and I think most parents wouldn’t (so how do we end up with men like James?), but each individual has their own experiences that do not come from their parents. What if James is like this as well? Maybe there is a reason he treats her like that? I don’t want to give everything away in the 1st chapter. There is so much more to see with the characters like Aries who is viewed as shy. Realistically, people have layers and layers and are so much more complex. This chapter kind of just showed the first layer or like the impressions.

And it is important to have James thoughts as well b/c James is not trying to sweep her off her feet. He actually does not like her and has no intention of doing so.

Anyway, thank you so much for this review. I will have to go back and fix a few things. =)


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Review #24, by UnluckyStar57 How it Happened WithJames

29th June 2014:
Howdy! Sorry it's been a few weeks since you requested your review... But here I am!

Oh my goodness, things are happening fast to Aeris!! (Is that how you spell her name? I think in your request, you typed "Aries," so I wasn't sure.) First she's eye-stalking James, then she's talking to James, then she's sneaking to the kitchens with James, then...

Wow. She seems like a smart girl, so it's really odd that she would trust James so implicitly... And then, of course, he hurts her. So this chapter shows all the ranges of emotions that a girl can have when infatuated with James Potter--but it happens over an accelerated period of time. Very interesting!

I think it was totally mean of James to seduce her into pulling a prank on the Ravenclaws--sore losers though they were! He seems like a jerk, and to be honest, I already dislike him. Hopefully Aeris will see sense and drop him!

A few comments on grammar/descriptions and things like that:

Starting a story with a description like the one of James at the top of the page is an interesting way to draw people in. People are very sensory, so giving them an image really helps to establish the story. But the "beige" descriptions of the people's faces didn't really have an impact on me. I'm not much of an artist, so I'm not exactly sure what color "honey beige" could be. Perhaps you could dial it back to "tan" or something more familiar? (Just a suggestion.)

Also, I would warn against beginning every chapter with a description of someone's body and face and personality. Sometimes it's cool to work those details into the narrative, and you can give your characters stage directions. For instance: ""What are you doing tonight?" he smirked arrogantly, ruffling his wavy dark brown hair."

It just gives you some description to add in the places that are less descriptive, such as in between dialogue and things like that. :)

A word about Aeris' character: She seems really naive and vulnerable because of her major crush on James, and he takes advantage of that very quickly. It might just be me, but I really wouldn't mind seeing her get back at him! He deserves to have a taste of his own medicine! :D

Overall, this was a very strong first chapter. I didn't see too many grammar/spelling mistakes, although I would suggest going back over the chapter just to make sure you haven't missed anything! (It happens to me ALL THE TIME, no lie.)

Happy writing!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: HI! Thank you for finding the time to review.

Aries is her name. I think you are right about description of James. The over detail of his skin color is excessive. I will definitely change it. Thank you.

I wanted to give him a description (as I didn't give Aries) because it shows she overly notices him. It aligns with her obsession with him.

Anyway! Thanks a ton for the review!


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Review #25, by jessicalorewrites How it Happened WithJames

27th June 2014:
Hey, I'm here because you requested a review on my topic! Sorry it took forever, I forgot to check my review thread. First off I'm going to answer your area of concern and add in my own little thoughts about different things that I like along the way :)

1. Plot
Obviously there's not much of a substantial plot yet, this being the first chapter, but from what I have read this seems like it's going to be interesting when it does develop! The characters + your writing all have my intrigued as to what and how it will happen next. Also, I love the suspense of the last line!!

2. Characters
For a girl with such a strong obsession as Aeris has, she is surprisingly not as annoying as I usually find characters like her. Definitely remember to steer clear from most Mary Sue tropes but other than that I really like her character - and Harley's too! And your James Potter is fabulous. Excellent well done!

3. Structure/Flow
Lemme say something right now, I LOVED THE FIRST PARAGRAPH!! Usually super long descriptions are thoughtless and boring but this one actually got me interested in James as a character. Also, coupled with Aeris' obsession for him, it actually plays well into the flow of the story.

Overall a good read :) I can't wait to see how you develop everything in the next chapter/s! I'll review your second chapter for you when I get the time I promise :)

- Jess xo

Author's Response: Thank you for filling the requested review! And I totally understand, life is busy. =)

You are right, this first chapter isn't huge, eventful or anything like that. I did want to set it up.
I don't want readers to find her annoying, maybe a little frustrating, like UGH WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT GIRL! Ah, no. She definitely WON'T be a MARY SUE, considering life is almost never in anyone's favor.
I'm glad you like it. The description of James is to see from Aries' POV.

Anyway, thanks so much again!


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