Reading Reviews for Evolution
  
310 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Dan Honest

30th January 2016:
This story has been brilliant. It seems as I've been thrown into a different bur the same hogwarts world as the books in Harry's time.
Hope you continue and can't wait to read the next one.
Thanks
Dan

 Report Review

Review #2, by august Honest

23rd January 2016:
I've been following this story since the very beginning and although you really tested my patience, I must say it was worth the wait! Can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for following along so faithfully and being patient with me! I hope to have another chapter posted soon!

 Report Review

Review #3, by Alex Honest

12th January 2016:
Oh my gosh this story is so good and incredibly captivating I haven't been able to stop reading. I am super excited for your next update I hope its soon!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading, Alex! I'm glad you're enjoying the story and I really appreciate the review! I'm hoping to have the next chapter up this week (if not tonight) so stay tuned.

 Report Review

Review #4, by Really? Mitigating Damages

12th January 2016:
I loved this fic but I think this is the end for me. The cover story was weak but really only because Dumbledore's actions were so weak. Dumbledore might have been odd but he had a grasp of strategy and tactics well beyond the even very sharp people. This Dumbledore though makes strategic blunders that even a child wouldn't make. Part of me wonders if it isn't a Death Eater under Polyjuice so bad is the current decision making. Thank you for the chapters I enjoyed and good luck with the rest of your work.

Author's Response: I'm sorry that Dumbledore's reaction here and the subsequent efforts by James and Lily to respond to it have driven you off the entire story. Since I promised to address the strategy behind Dumbledore's actions in this review instead of the previous one though, I'll try to do so now.

I have to say, respectfully, that I think Dumbledore repeatedly demonstrates in canon that he is incredibly permissive of rule-breaking at Hogwarts and does very little within its walls to protect the students from other influences aside from the occasional pointed speech. Most notably, he's incredibly reluctant to act without true evidence of what transpired, which here, is arguably nothing, except the curfew violation that was already reported to and "dealt with" by Slughorn. He confirms the non-punishment to James and Lily in order to enable them to prepare themselves for dealing with the rumors and questions as best they can - a reality they address in their debate over what the appropriate response is.

Further, as he is in canon, Dumbledore here is concerned with a grander picture and isn't afraid to take risks to do it. He isn't going to jeopardize his own position and continued presence at Hogwarts by irritating incredibly influential people (see the commentary by the Slytherins in the previous chapter - just because these are "baddies" doesn't mean they don't have a legitimate point) when he has zero evidence of any truly egregious wrongdoing. He'd rather create an opportunity for the two students he trusts to lead their classmates to construct an environment where the body coalesces against the kind of behavior that is being contemplated in the late-night meeting. If this plays out as he hopes, it enables him greater ability to deal with the war outside the walls of the castle and gather opposition that will be instrumental in the war - and it enables him to see what James and Lily, two students he thinks could be a key part of the future of that opposition, are really made of.

Ultimately, it appears we have different perceptions of that possibility. Personally, I find the strategy workable and the cover plausible enough because ultimately, no one but the students there truly know what was going on - and even James and Lily don't really KNOW. Obviously WE know because the implication is there and we know what happened later, but the characters don't. Just as the Slytherins are right that the response is constrained by how influential their parents are (see one Draco Malfoy), James is right that the Slytherins involved are constrained in their ability to be truly overt in their actions and declarations yet. In a world at war some are already decided, their opinions and allegiances unchanging, others are there for the taking and this is merely the beginning of a battle for hearts and minds at Hogwarts.

In the end, I can't persuade you to believe other than you do, but I'd propose that in looking at the facts from a real-time perspective Dumbledore's actions aren't so awful and Lily and James aren't really standing as naked in front of the crowd as they are in front of readers.

I appreciate the positive sign off, and I'm glad you were able to enjoy some of the story at any rate.


 Report Review

Review #5, by Really? The Prince's Path

12th January 2016:
Sorry but letting the Slytherins go is stupid from every angle. He's given de facto approval of their actions and reinforced the idea of that the Slytherins are right both about the weakness of the good side and about their deserving preferred treatment over "lesser" people. In addition is completely destroyed the Heads ability to do any part of their job and any respect they might have with people who haven't picked a side. Dumbledore is doing a better job of promoting Voldemort's rise than the Slytherins.

Author's Response: I'm sorry that you're disappointed by Dumbledore's reaction to the situation. We'll have to agree to disagree about its relative stupidity. I believe writing Dumbledore properly is major challenge for any writer not named J.K. Rowling because his actions are not always understood immediately as they happen, but have to have an underlying strategy to them. I'll address that strategy in more detail in responding to your remaining review.

 Report Review

Review #6, by nevergrowinup Honest

11th January 2016:
Ahh!! I love your story and this chapter was perfect!! Can't wait for the next one :-)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your kind feedback! Positive feedback like yours keeps me going so I'll try to get a new chapter up soon for you!

 Report Review

Review #7, by princesslily_36 Ain't No Sunshine

7th January 2016:
Hey Kevin!

You said Jily in your status and I just had to stop by! I love the beginning, and what it promises to lead to. I'll definitely be an ardent reader!

Forgive my super short review, I'm heavily drunk with sleep and my bed is too inviting! I'll check out the other chapters on my way to work in the morning!!

Can't wait!
Ysh

Author's Response: Thanks for stopping by Ysh! I love reviews of all kinds, especially the nice ones so there's nothing to forgive as far as I'm concerned. I hope you continue to enjoy it as you keep reading!

 Report Review

Review #8, by Minnie Honest

7th January 2016:
AH! YAAAS! FINALLY! HUZZAH HURRAH!

Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed the moment! Thanks so much for reading!

 Report Review

Review #9, by nott theodore Reunions

28th December 2015:
Hi again, Kevin!

Uh-oh, I'm a bit worried by this chapter, purely because so much of it seemed relatively normal and calm and I'd been expecting something dramatic to happen. There's also no real mention of Katie here... I'm so intrigued about what's going to happen! Especially with your author's note - I feel like it's not going to be great for Katie and James...

In answer to your questions in your author's note, I actually really like Grace. She definitely seems to me like the sort of person that would appeal to Sirius, especially with the way that she doesn't judge him based on his background and his family; that's one reason that I can definitely believe that Sirius would be romantically interested in a Muggle. Muggles don't know anything about his family background and he can reinvent himself to an extent, so to speak - not denying who he is completely (within the bounds of the Statute, of course) but also moving away from the chains that have weighed him down since he was born. It must feel really freeing for him to be able to break free from that. At the same time, I kind of imagine that Sirius is the sort of person who would be attracted to a Muggle because it wasn't "allowed" - with the fact that we see the posters on his bedroom wall, for example - and so Grace fits into that category.

Grace does seem like a really interesting character though, and I can imagine her being a good match for Sirius since she doesn't treat him any differently and she's very intelligent and witty, and very willing to answer back. They're on an equal footing in a way. I'll be really interested to see if they do write to each other in the future and if it actually goes anywhere, especially with what's happening outside Hogwarts with the war.

As a tiny Brit-pick, we don't usually refer to any education after the age of 18 as "school" - since she's going to Cambridge, it would be "university" or "uni".

I felt a bit sorry for Lily when she was talking to her friends about marriages and things - even though they don't mean anything by it, there's still something which singles her out as being Muggle-born and kind of separates her from some of the things that have been happening. I thought that section segued really well into the scene with Grace and Sirius though.

I'm intrigued to see what the boys come up with for their final year prank and whether they actually manage to go ahead with it; it was great to see a scene with the Marauders again since it's been a little while since we saw the friends together.

This was another great chapter, and I hope that I can come back soon and keep catching up a bit more!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Katie's not the character you're looking for, Sian. -waves hand like Obi Wan- :p

First off, thank you for the brit-pick. I am always looking for these nuggets to make things more authentic - and it feels especially important for this high class, well-educated character - so thank you thank you!

It seems that you and I are on a similar wavelength with Sirius. Though my rationale was primarily the freedom from expectation or prejudice in terms of a muggle's appeal to him, you're quite right about the rebellious aspect of it too. I certainly think if things had played out differently in his life, Sirius would have loved nothing more than to shove his rejection of his parents' values in their face again by marrying a muggle or muggle-born (though for the 'freedom reasons' above I think a muggle would be more likely).

Beyond that though, I'm glad you liked Grace. I definitely wanted her to be able to go toe to toe with him because whether he actually recognizes this aspect of it or not yet, he needs a partner who's going to buck him and not just let him get away with being thoughtless or dismissive or hide behind humor like he likes to do. The ill-fated bit with Renee was the first hint at that idea, but the issue there was that she is: (1) magical and (2) too abrasive. Being forced to play the social games befitting a high society girl like herself for most of her life, Grace is much more capable of pressing him (or even landing a blow) more cleverly (almost politely) and thus preventing his hackles from getting raised to the point of a communication shut-down.

Thanks again for the awesome and super-detailed reviews! Glad you're still enjoying the story!


 Report Review

Review #10, by nott theodore Table Talk

28th December 2015:
Hi Kevin! It's been far too long since I properly got to catch up with this story but I have a little time at the moment and when better to stop by than to leave a couple of late Christmas gifts? :D

This was a really great chapter, although the ending has me pretty worried about what's going to happen in the immediate chapters... whatever happens, I don't think it's going to bode well for James and Katie's relationship. And even though I love James and Lily together, I don't want to see Katie in pain or see James and Katie breaking up because of something like this...

I thought you wrote the meeting between James's parents and Katie really well - I loved the little bits of awkwardness that you wove into the scene and they were so true for what it's like when you first meet your significant other's parents. There are so many things going on in the first meeting that really affect the dynamic of what's going on and I thought you captured that really well.

The opening scenes, when James was asking his parents not to be too touchy-feely with each other and not embarrass him in front of Katie really helped to show how much he cares about her, I think. It's clear that he wants her to feel welcome and not uncomfortable with his family's brand of humour, and he's really excited to have his parents get to know someone who's become so important to him.

The meeting was great, as well. Katie was herself and it was so sweet to see her getting to meet Beatrice and Francis and the four of them talking about different things - she certainly has influenced James's behaviour in a way that's very much more positive than not, and sets up for him then going on to be mature enough for Lily later, I imagine. It's not all Katie - I think that he needs to take some credit himself - but she's certainly driven the change.

The contrast between the majority of this chapter and then the final scenes was really marked, and I think it worked really well to have an impact on the reader. We'd been enjoying this happy scene and then suddenly we get brought down with Katie, seeing the way that the war can touch people even when they're not thinking about it constantly and not an obvious target; it really brought home the realities of the war and I felt so sorry for Katie and her family in those moments. Now I'm just worried about what's going to happen next - ending the chapter on a cliffhanger like this one makes me think that there might be something quite dramatic coming up for Katie and James...

Sian :)

Author's Response: :p Don't even with this "far too long" business! I told you many moons ago I was going to catch up on Jigsaw and I'm nowhere near.

Anyhow, I'm really glad to hear that you enjoyed the family dynamic that surrounded "meeting the parents" for Katie. I think capturing Katie's thoughts and feelings probably made me the most nervous about it, but it's good you thought that it worked!

Indeed, the contrast is very important ;) While I refuse to go further than this, the fact that such a successful and in its own small way monumental moment in their relationship is immediately followed by a dark (and abrupt) spectre is absolutely by design...


 Report Review

Review #11, by 800 words of heaven Open Season

26th December 2015:
Hello! It's been a ridiculously long time since I read Evolution but since I started reading it during the holiday season, I thought it would be an apt time to return.

Ah! I've missed Marlene and Alana! It was really nice to see them talking about something other than boys. Lily came off a bit like a robot with no feelings, but clearly her friends know she loves them and will miss them the next year. And the end scene with Sirius and the Quidditch magazine made me chuckle.

There's some really wonderful moments in the first couple of scenes with James. Your love and understanding of the machinations of sports is very apparent in the first few lines, and Peter is an actual gem when he's dissing Sirius for being the "vice-captain" - words I thought I'd never use to describe Peter Pettigrew.

I'm really pleased with the way Lily's behaving when she and James are on patrol. She's very understanding but still firm when she's talking with the Hufflepuff first years. It seems a lot closer to the image I have of Lily in my head, where she's more mature and balanced than she is at this point. It's lovely to see her move in that direction.

James finally speaking about what's bothering him is also some unexpected character development. For all that I think of him further along his arc than Lily, this scene highlighted that he's never actually been very open with his feelings to other people - at least not verbally. I'm hoping this forms part of the basis of their friendship.

This was a really wonderful chapter! I'll see you at the end of the next one :)

Author's Response: Howdy! Thanks so much for returning and the detailed review!

Yes...hopefully once I actually finish (which I had been hoping to do by the end of the year, though that's obviously not happening now) I can do the re-writes to make more serious conversations the norm and flesh them out a little more.

Though here Lily was obviously a bit distracted and subsequently irritated, I would say she definitely gets into this mood when she's ruffled or is trying to avoid something - particularly admitting something. Almost a defense mechanism for her as if - "if I act like I just don't care about this/you, it/you will go away." :p You'll get to see it make a return in the latest chapter before it gives way toward the end if you keep reading ;)
And yes, another subject of the edits will be showcasing more of this Lily earlier on, because though I do think she's quite strict prior to her exposure to James as a rule, her kindness needs to show through more than it does at present.

Indeed, this is sort of the final, pre-relationship step in James's maturation - being willing to open up. As you've probably seen, Lily's not the best at it either (no coincidence), but as they spend more and more time together, both of them start to come around more (hmm...).

And I'm glad you didn't miss Peter getting one in on Sirius! So many people have Peter as Sirius's constant whipping post (in terms of jokes) and while I think there's definitely truth in that, I also think Peter got his jabs in on occasion or Sirius wouldn't respect him as a friend.

Thanks for the detailed feedback and the kind words!


 Report Review

Review #12, by Kacy Full Moon

24th December 2015:
Such a good story, I hope you get around to the next chapter soon!! :

Author's Response: Thanks for the R&R Kacy! I actually just posted Chapter 50 this afternoon, so I hope you enjoy it! Merry Christmas!

 Report Review

Review #13, by BellaLestrange87 Ain't No Sunshine

3rd December 2015:
Hi Kevin! This is for Day 3 of the Advent Calendar on the forums.

I really like your portrayal of James here. I love how fair and kind he is towards Tinka, treating her like another member of the family instead of cruelly like many other people would have done.

I also like how you portrayed James' feelings towards Lily. It's interesting to see how he's simply joking around and bantering, instead of being head-over-heels obsessed. I also like the fact that his interest in her - or change of feelings, I suppose - was due to his bewilderment at just how fierce and assertive she was. It's a nice change of pace, and very different from many other Jilys I've read.

I really enjoyed this, and hopefully I'll be back soon to leave some more reviews.

~Olivia

Author's Response: Howdy Olivia! Thanks so much for picking me out to review!

I'm glad you liked James. I definitely wanted to do something a bit different with him (this story also basically doubles as my Jily/Marauders Era head canon) and I've just never bought into the idea that he asked her out so many times out of being head-over-heels crazy for her, partly because I don't see him as getting too hung up on a particular girl and partly because I think it makes more sense with his prankster character and their fractious relationship for it to all have been to irritate her.

Thanks again for the R&R and all the kind words!


 Report Review

Review #14, by nott theodore Deeper

1st December 2015:
Hello, Kevin! I'm here repaying you with a little gift from the gift tag - it's been far too long since I've been able to get time to read and review this wonderful story, and I've missed it so much!

This was a really great chapter! One of my biggest pet peeves (which you probably already know about, to be fair :P) in Marauders era stories is when authors just neglect to include Peter whatsoever or give him any sort of real role in the group. So, naturally, I loved the chance to see more of Peter and his life at home here, because that knowledge and background for his character helps to explain a lot - at least, it means things make more sense when I think about his actions.

Here, I actually... felt sorry for Peter. That isn't actually something that happens very often, so you should be pleased of managing that one alone :P Knowing what Peter did, it isn't easy to feel sorry for him, even before he went on to betray his best friends. But here, you did a great job of showing a scene that I wasn't really expecting; I could imagine Peter being an "easy" target, but with the protection of his other friends we don't get to see it as much - plus, when he's at Hogwarts he's able to do magic and he's a little more capable of defending himself. I don't know why Nigel seems to have chosen Peter as his target - probably because he's just a terrible bully and he wanted someone easy to pick on - but I felt so sorry for Peter as he tried so hard to get away, and come so close to succeeding. Seeing him suffer at the hands of thugs like those makes it a little easier to understand how he could be tempted by power; with the protection of a master like Voldemort, people wouldn't dare to hurt him.

This is only a tiny detail, but I also loved your choice of words in the passage with Peter - when you describe him scurrying, the imagery works so well with the idea of him as a rat. I know it's like the tiniest little thing, but it was so clever and I just wanted to mention it!

The second section with Peter was really intriguing, too. His family situation has always been a real mystery from canon as there's not much more information available to us than the fact he had a mother, so the way that yo took that detail and went from there to create a whole family background for him was great, and so interesting. I liked the way that he still showed Gryffindor traits, like wanting to protect his family and not scare them, even if they're not as obvious as some of his friends' qualities might be, too.

Severus's scene was also really interesting. I thought the contrast between Peter and Snape was really well done; it really highlighted the different paths that both men took, and even though it seemed that they ended up in the same place, they were both very different characters. Snape did have a very hard life at home, too - not that that excuses what he chose to do - and I think you illustrated that really well. I could really easily believe the way that Lucius approached him because the Death Eaters had heard of Severus's skills - it's so horrible to think that people so young were drawn into a web like this, but very believable, since it's still happening even now.

This was a really great chapter, and I loved the insight that we got into the two different characters here; hopefully I'll have the chance to come back for more soon!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hello again, Sian! Another too-kind review from you and another too-long delay from me - but I'm here to finally answer!

One of the things I definitely wanted to accomplish with Evolution - and part of what's made it a bit more of a bear I think than a "typical" Jily fic - is to explore all of the complexities of the world around them that I feel are so integral to understanding all the important players from that era, but also integral to James and Lily coming to understand and fall for each other too (which I think I've said before - if so, sorry :p).

There's no question that my goal with this section, the first real backstory bit on Peter, was to accomplish two things: (1) make you feel sorry for Peter (HOORAY!) and (2) lay the foundation for how he actually started out as a good person at his core, but would be subverted and seduced by darkness. Honestly there's not much of a better explanation for Nigel targeting him than Nigel being a thug and a bully and Peter being an easy target when he's deprived of magic, but this will be far from the darkest moment between them - just wait and see.

As for Snape, I definitely wanted that contrast in paths in there with that section and also to start bringing him closer into the Death Eater circles so that his machinations later in the fic have even more gravity, so I'm glad you thought him being recruited already was still believable!

Thanks for the super review (as always)!


 Report Review

Review #15, by Claire Full Moon

29th November 2015:
I just finished this chapter and just wanted to say you are an awesome writer and can't wait for the next chapter.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the kind words, Claire! It's taken WAY longer than I hoped, but I was able to get Chapter 50 up tonight! I hope you enjoy it (and if you celebrate it - I hope you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS)!

 Report Review

Review #16, by peacock33 Near Miss

19th October 2015:
Great to see an update. I wonder if this is going to mark James trying to start actually dealing with the Katie situation and allowing himself to grieve and move on. Are we ever going to learn about what happened to her? I want to trust Astrid/Ellie but am not sure - like Lily I want to believe people can be saved, but Lily is somewhat blinded by her view of Severus and James has a point that she is a suspiciously perfect candidate to be a mole. Interested to see what happens.

Author's Response: Howdy! It's been awhile, but I'm glad to see my sluggish updating recently hasn't put you off the story!

James is likely to come as close to resolution as he's going to get re: Katie in Chapter 51 thanks to another conversation with Remus though, so stay tuned.

As for Ellie, you'll just have to keep reading to find out ;)

Thanks for being such a loyal follower - it's readers like you that keep me going!


 Report Review

Review #17, by MuggleMaybe Another Run-In

26th September 2015:
Happy Birthday Kevin!

In your note, you apologized that the first interaction between Lily and James took a while, but honestly I felt it came at a perfect time!

I really appreciate that you've written Lily and James not as parts of a whole, but as individuals. It's refreshing to look at their relationship as an 'evolution' rather than an inevitability.

James trying to be a better man and show his good nature is very endearing. Not an easy task!

Because you are taking a comfortable pace, I don't truly have a full enough sense of the story to be ready for Dobby noms - I have been reading at least through chapter 5, but I don't think I can stop now! Besides, I am really enjoying it!

In general, this story is well written and I honestly can't think of a single criticism. Well done!

I hope it's been a fantastic birthday!
~Renee

Author's Response: Howdy Renee! I'm incredibly tardy in replying to this incredibly thoughtful birthday review, but I promise that doesn't mean I'm any less thankful for it!

I'm glad you are enjoying the slow-burn aspect of the story. I was definitely heartened (because the later chapters quite honestly don't get many reviews), that you are already seeing the vision I had in mind - developing James and Lily as individuals with all their strengths and weaknesses, their past pains and future plans, and setting them on a track for growth in the world they find themselves in which happens to lead them to each other.

If you continue reading I hope you continue to enjoy it!

Thanks so much for the review!


 Report Review

Review #18, by StarFeather Hogwarts Bound

26th September 2015:
Hallo, Kevin!

I came back here for your birthday review!

The first explanation around the circumstance of Lily is well written. After reading the chapter 3 where James was given advice from his father, the expectation how he will mend the relationship with her is rising as we read this chapter.

When James entered, I expected their conversation or gazing each other but you turned them aside in this chapter except the reaction of James towards Lily’s appearances. I guess you’re preparing these descriptions in the next chapter. I think you needed to mention the relationship with the other three marauders and some of readers may expect you mention about Sirius and Lupin as well. So many kudos on the verbal exchanges among them in the train. It’s necessary to take much time to set up the original characters J.K.Rowling has never mentioned in the books.

Just my guess, Lily’s new partner in the Potions class must be James, right?


Kenny

Author's Response: Hello again, Kenny! Sorry to disappoint, but James will actually NEVER (hard to believe I know, but NEVER) be Lily's Potions partner. You'll have to read on to find out what happens in that regard.

I'm glad you enjoyed the interactions between the Marauders on the train and the set-up involved and hopefully my defying your expectations re: James and Lily's interactions wasn't too troubling. They actually interact very little in the early goings of the story (at least in terms of direct interactions) because I wanted their saga to be a VERY slow burn.

Thanks for another kind review!


 Report Review

Review #19, by StarFeather Words of Wisdom

22nd September 2015:
Hi, Kevin. I’ve read from the chapter 1 to 3 and thought of leaving review here. Congrats your nomination @Dobbys!

I wanted to read this kind of story, father and son. Very busy Francis Potter cares his son and apologized to him for having let him wait. I’ve been curious to know how Harry’s grandfather was like. You showed us one of the possible portrait of him. I like you set the story where James consulted with his father about his bitter and sweet feeling towards Lily Evans.
I was very impressed with his honest view about his son. We expect how James will be able to show true himself to Lily from now on with his father’s advice. I can’t wait to see how their relationship will be developed.

Kenny

Author's Response: Howdy Kenny! Sorry I'm over three months late getting back to this review :(

Anyway, I'm glad you really enjoyed this part of the story. It's something I definitely wanted to incorporate, but unfortunately haven't been able to as much as I'd like as the story's moved on.

You're definitely right about Francis being honest. He's pretty much a straight-shooter about whatever topic is up for discussion, and he believes in supporting his son to the moon and back, but also in telling him tough truths he needs to hear (though his job's made a little easier here by the fact that he's basically acknowledging he used to suffer the same problems).

Thanks for the R&R!


 Report Review

Review #20, by Penelope Inkwell Another Run-In

11th September 2015:
Aha! First run-in of the year. I had held out a tiny bit of hope that they'd be Potions partners, though perhaps that's been overdone (I haven't read too much from the Marauder's era, so I don't always know all the relevant tropes and clichés). Anyway, they still have the class together. That'll leave some room for interaction, which is the important part.

At least she's seen James do one nice thing! That's positive. Like, tiny progress is still progress (or is it prong-ress? Oh, that pun was terrible, but I could not resist!)

I'm definitely enjoying this fic. For now, I want to make sure I give a fair shake to the other Dobby contestants and get a look at their stories, but I intend to be back! This is off to a great start and I can't wait to see where you plan to take us. Congrats again on your nomination, and good luck!

--Penny

Author's Response: HAHA Prong-ress! I like it :p I'd say it's definitely going to take awhile for the interaction levels to grow and a VERY long time for them to escalate in Potions (truthfully they won't much because James and Sirius will stay partners), but Potions WILL be a nice prism for you to see Lily's feelings for James develop if you pay CLOSE attention.

Thanks so much for all the reviews!


 Report Review

Review #21, by Penelope Inkwell Hogwarts Bound

11th September 2015:
Ugh. I hate that for Lily--that Petunia kicked up such a fuss that she couldn't go to France with her friends and had to spend the summer at home. Especially since she didn't have Sirius. That must have been a rather unpleasant vacation. Still, it does sound like the sort of thin Petunia would do.

Aww, poor James. No one seems to think he could possibly convince Lily to go on a date with him. Well, he'll show them! Eventually...

And Sirius has his sights set on someone, too. Remus wants to go on a date or two. Plenty of potential for romantic shenanigans ahead.

I like how, so far Peter seems to really be part of the group. Perhaps he hands on by his fingernails a bit, and I think that suits canon events nicely, but you write their dynamic as though it's well entrenched, and even if he's the butt of a couple of jokes, it doesn't seem truly mean-spirited. I always think it's much more painful, but powerful in terms of storytelling, if he really is portrayed as a true friend of the Marauders. It makes it all the more heartbreaking that he ultimately betrays them.

CC:

Lily’s thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of vivacious blonde and a short-haired brunette.
--I think there should be an "a" before "vivacious blonde".

Finally, she thought, quickly stashing her textbook to avoid Marlene and Alana’s good-natured teasing.
--this is just personal preference, but I think it would be easier to tell the difference between Lily's thoughts and the narration if "Finally" were italicized.

She moved gracefully toward them, with the cat-like effortlessness that the comeliest of witches always do.
--this may also just be a personal preference thing, but since the story seems to be narrated in past, it might be better to have it as, "that the comeliest of witches always did." I just always find it a bit jarring when the narrator switches tenses.


Good job, as always. I'm looking forward to seeing how all this works out, and how James will implement his plans. Slow burn romances drive me insane, because I'm not terribly patient, but they are also by far my favorite to read!

--Penny

Author's Response: I'm glad you thought Peter felt appropriately incorporated! One of the things I definitely wanted to do as far as the Marauder dynamic was concerned was to make Peter an authentic member who isn't just "there" and who isn't just basically bullied by the guys - because who'd want to be their friends if that's how it really was? Plus he's obviously talented enough to become an animagus early too, so he can't be completely inept either, right? I see Peter as more socially awkward than anything else and that's how I try to play him out while still keeping him very much in the mix.

As for the other bits, #1, woof that was lazy wasn't it? One of my worst qualities is that I don't go back and edit as thoroughly as I should (or at all sometimes) before posting. #2, I'll confess to rarely using italics because of my personal dislike for them aesthetically :p (and I hoped her that appending "she thought" would be enough given that what followed couldn't be a thought because it was an action) #3...this gives me food for thought. I honestly hadn't thought of it at the time and will have to do some looking into this as I (rightly or wrongly) wasn't really viewing it as a tense change owing to the comma, which I was sort of viewing as allowing the clause that follows to relate back to "moved gracefully" which is of course past tense. But VERY interesting, I'll have to see what I can dig up about that or what a consensus might be on it.

Thanks Penny!


 Report Review

Review #22, by Penelope Inkwell Words of Wisdom

11th September 2015:
This is a very sweet moment. I love the idea of James coming to his dad for advice on Lily, determined that he's going to have to do better. And Mr. Potter's advice sounds very dad-esque. But it's solid, and I can see it helping to set up James on the path he's going to have to walk in order to grow up.

CC:

There's a lot of space between the paragraphs here, which makes it a bit harder to read. But that's all I noticed.


I really enjoyed this scene! (And the suggestion that maybe Potter men sometimes take a while to grow up, and that it was the same way with James' parents, which is why they were older when they had him, was pretty amusing. It was a nice touch).

--Penny

Author's Response: Yes...there is a lot of space isn't there? Honestly I even tried to delete this chapter and add it back, but when I reduce the space to try and fix the formatting issue, it won't let me save the chapter, so it seems I'm stuck with that. Sorry! :(

Anyway, I'm glad you liked the concept of James going to his dad for advice. Honestly the family aspect is something I'd hoped to incorporate more for all the characters in the piece, but when so much takes place at school it's hard to achieve. Since this bit has been pretty well-received though, I definitely want to go back and flesh it out a little better when I do my edits.

Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #23, by Penelope Inkwell The End of the Line

11th September 2015:
Hey there! Penny here, checking out the Dobby nominees--HUGE congratulations on that, by the way!!! That's phenomenal!--and I think you have captured Lily to a tee here. This is the quote that really blew me away:

Severus had changed. He was no longer the resilient victim, he was no longer the boy she had met so long ago, with a pure love for all of magic. He was bitter. He was aggressive. He was being slowly consumed by darkness. The slur? A cruel, hateful word. But the problem was what it meant about who Severus had become.

I don't think I've ever seen a better description of why Snape's actions broke their friendship, or of Lily's thoughts on the subject. You just nailed it, and I really felt like I was inside her head. There was the grief and the sorrow, but also a sense that she had been carrying this with her for months, that she was resigned to it. There was logic, and there was emotion. There was regret, but most of all, there was backbone. I really think that, in one chapter, you've just captured Lily amazingly well, even down to her courage in refusing to use her owl, and delivering the letter in person. It's brilliant. Really well done!

CC:

It might be good, when you mention the incident where James used Severus' spell, if you talked about it lifting him into the air, or gave some other detail that would remind us of what we saw of Snape's memory in the books. At first, I didn't know what spell was being discussed.

Overall, I was just hugely impressed with this chapter, and with Lily's thought process and portrayal. Excellent work! And congratulations yet again!

--Penny

Author's Response: Howdy Penny! Sorry it's taken such a ridiculous amount of time to respond, but I'm trying to start the new year on the right foot by getting back to my "home" - Unanswered Reviews (0).

I'm so glad you felt that I capture Lily well in this chapter. One of my major concerns really about the early chapters of the fic is that since I was returning to writing fiction for the first time in a LONG time at that point, that I wasn't as nuanced and accurate with the portrayals there - Lily and female characters in the story in particular.

I plan to go back and edit these as a result of all that and I'll definitely take your comments about adding specificity to the incident on board because you are too right - it's important to be clear exactly what you're talking about even when you're referencing canon!

Thanks for the R&R!


 Report Review

Review #24, by HeyMrsPotter Another Run-In

11th September 2015:
I'm back!

I completely agree with your Author Note, as much as I was dying for some interaction between them, I definitely think it was right to set the tone of your story first. I have a good grasp of who your characters are as individuals by this point, and where they are in their time at Hogwarts etc. I loved the interaction, of course it couldn't have been a worse situation for poor James, who is trying to give Lily a good impression of him and then goes and knocks her off her feet the minute they're together. Still, the course of true love never runs smoothly, does it?

Lovely chapter :)

Dee

Author's Response: Haha. Absolutely right. At least he found a way to try and be benevolent at the end even if Lily was incredibly suspicious, right?

I'm glad you felt like the choice to defer their interaction made sense too, especially since I adopt a bit of a different take on the history between James and Lily.

Thanks for another kind review!


 Report Review

Review #25, by HeyMrsPotter Hogwarts Bound

11th September 2015:
Hi again, Kevin!

I'm really enjoying this story. I like the relationship that you've created between the marauders. There's a good balance of banter there between them, and I love the idea of them making resolutions every year. Their talk about girls was so brilliant, and I think it was nice that James didn't tell the others about Lily, it shows that he really cares for her and it's not just a case of 'chasing skirt' for him.

Another great chapter!

Dee

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the characterizations of the Marauders and their group dynamic! As for James, I'm afraid you may have ascribed him too noble of intentions. He's definitely NOT just chasing Lily's skirt, but at the same time, him keeping quiet is also a little self-interested in that he doesn't want to deal with the razzing from his friends (particularly Sirius) if he were to reveal that he fancies her. Fortunately for him as things progress and he continues to struggle with it, Sirius is so primarily focused on other things that he won't quite get there until it's too late :p

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>