Reading Reviews for A Blossoming Romance
  
29 Reviews Found

Review #1, by i love prongs Fights, Exploding Mothers And A Confession

10th September 2014:
Love love love this story and am so glad Albus finally made his move. More Al and lyss next chapter please!
When will you be updating? Soon I hope x

Author's Response: Hi!

Aww thank you, I'm glad you love it. I know it was definitely time for Al to announce things. There is more of them in the next chapter, coming soon as it's in the queue now!

Thanks for reading and reviewing.

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #2, by jessicalorewrites Fights, Exploding Mothers And A Confession

31st August 2014:
Ahhh how did I miss this new chapter?!?!

Wow, I can't believe their mum knows now. Somehow I expected it to play out longer but I'm glad she found out sooner rather than later :) also can we squeal about the fact Michael is gay?!? That's been a head canon of mine since forever hahaa. I love seeing him and Kevin here!

OH MY GOSH. ALBUS THOUGH. KILL ME NOW BECAUSE THIS BOY IS PERFECT. NEVER MIND ALYSSA, HAVE ME INSTEAD PLEASE AL.

Ultimate cute date. I'm so relieved it finally happened yay! And that they had such a good time ;) wink wink nudge nudge.

I can't possibly wait for more D: I NEED IT ALL NOW!

Well done because this chapter is as amazing as the others!

xo

Author's Response: Hey Jess!

I wanted it to be over by the time Chloe went back to Hogwarts which was pretty soon. Haha, I love the idea of him being gay, it's one of my headcanon too! But he and Kevin are great to write and Lyss is pretty close with them both too. That's sort of how I came up with this in a way too, as I wanted her mother to be the sister of someone who was already in the books but we didn't know too much about.

Albus, Oh Albus. He's a cutie, that's for sure! I adore writing him and Alyssa together so much :D

That boy knows what he's doing for sure. Plus he wanted to wow Lyss after her terrible dates that he mother set her up with. Ayli is pretty much the inner fan girl of you :p since she is so glad that the date is actually happening too. Oh they certainly did have a good time XD

Hehe, Chapter 10 is done and I'll probably put it in the queue soon. Chapter 11 is about 30% done too.

Thanks for reading and reviewing as always ♥

-Potterfan310
Soph ♥


 Report Review

Review #3, by laurenenoonan Bridesmaids, Best Men And Sober Kisses

9th August 2014:
I love this storey sooo much and am really looking toward to the next update - I need my Albus and Alyssa fix :)

Author's Response: Heyy,

Good news as soon as the queue re-opens I shall be putting chapter nine in it :D

So it should be up any time after the 16th.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #4, by jessicalorewrites Bridesmaids, Best Men And Sober Kisses

11th July 2014:
Howdy for the last time today!

I know I've said this a lot, but this chapter was actually the cutest thing I've EVER READ. Seriously. The wedding scene and all the prep leading up to it was just adorably sweet. The descriptive language you used made it easy for me to picture in my head. I'm just so so glad it all went off without a hitch!

Albus and Alyssa seem to really be shaping up. I do hope they become a couple soon, especially with Albus basically blurting out his feelings for her all along. She's completely oblivious to him ;) hehehe. Again, I would love to see a good, lengthy conversation between them just to get the dynamic between them established a little better, but they are so cute together regardless!:)

GIMME AN UPDATE NOW (okay no, take your time lovely :p)

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Hey again!

I had so much worry for this chapter, so thank you!!! I am so glad it works okay. BUT YES IT IS SO CUTE! I genuinely thought there was too much but now I'm glad it works perfectly. I had this vision in my head as I was writing this so I am super happy it came out well. No hitches so far at least.

Thinks are definitely shaping/heating up between them. And I think the line that Lyss thinks when she's watching Chloe and Lorcan take their first dance sort of sums her and Al up. By saying she needs a boy who looks at her like that, when in reality she does but she hasn't realised it. Oh yes, Albus did confess slightly and yes Lyssa is completely oblivious which I love :D

Haha, No promises but I'm going through and doing edits on UP and ARR then probably this, so they'll probably get updates first. But I am now in the mood to write more of this, so wait and see :p

Thank you so much dear for all the reviews and for the House Cup, Go Lions!! :p

-Potterfan310
Soph x



 Report Review

Review #5, by jessicalorewrites Wedding Planning, Lies And Spending Way Too Much Time With Potter

11th July 2014:
Hullo :3

Yet another fab chapter! A few too many characters again for my liking but they all seemed necessary so I don't really have much to complain about. I'm still not over the fact Chloe and Lorcan are getting married :o but it was so so sweet how they asked Lyss and Lysander to be best man/chief bridesmaid!!

I personally feel like there could be more talking between Albus and Alyssa. They do an awful lot of kissing for just friends and they don't seem to address this issue at all ;) clearly they both have feelings for each other!

Just a few grammatical errors I noticed. In the bit "Chloe looked smug as she explained," it should end with a full stop instead of a comma. Also, "venue's" doesn't need an apostrophe. Only small minor things don't worry :)

Overall, still amazing!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Howdy!

I love that bit since it was perfect as they were all together. I know and the fact Chloe announced it would be in six days!! Is it any wonder Alyssa freaked out.

Oh yes, they have done a lot more kissing that talking so far. But it may change. They're both confused right now, well Alyssa more than Al because she's getting all these feelings whilst Al has had them all along (but shhh!) Alyssa definitely doesn't want to own up to anything right now, feelings wise. But yes they do! :D

I have yet to edit this, but thanks for pointing it out! Thanks again!!

-Soph x


 Report Review

Review #6, by jessicalorewrites Helping Sisters, Weird Boyfriends And A Major Secret

11th July 2014:
Hey

Woah, Lorcan and Chloe are getting married?!?! At first I thought that was a super strange muggle studies project but literally about a line before you dropped the bombshell I'd figured it out. I can't believe it, woah. I'm really not surprised Luna and Rolf agreed to let Lorcan though -- they seem like very liberated parents!

Forgive me for being wrong, but I would personally presume that since the legal age in the wizarding world is 17 that this would then reduce the age of marriage consent to 17 too, rather than the 18 it is in the uk. Or maybe the wizarding world wanted to keep it at 18 anyway -- I guess ages don't always match up!

Overall a really cute chapter. Particularly with the Alyssa/Al meetup ;) I don't understand why this doesn't have more reviews because it is really really good!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Yoo Hoo!

I sort of got the idea about Chloe's project as I had to do something similar for my course to get an OCN (which was pointless I might add). But unlike Chloe I don't have a wedding file :p

Haha, I know. I was building it up with her and the wedding project she had to do as homework then Bang she drops the bombshell on Alyssa. I definitely see Luna and Rolf as free spirits, almost hippy like. Especially when it comes to love.

Legal age in the wizarding world is 17, yes! But since they are getting married in the muggle world I kept it at 18. Plus it adds for drama to come with her mother and getting Lyssa to help her.

Oh yes, lots of Al/Alyssa action going on, both of them in just towels too at one point ;)

Aww thanks again m'dear!! :D



 Report Review

Review #7, by jessicalorewrites Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

11th July 2014:
Hello once more :3

I'm still loving the leading two characters in this fic. Your characterisation of Al in particular is amazing. He seems quiet and kind of reserved but maybe that's just because him and Alyssa still aren't back to their old pace of friendship that they had when they were kids. I know they've said they're going to be friends now but it will still take some time to get comfortable with each other, I presume.

I'm surprised Lyss doesn't remember Ayli's birthday but then again, maybe not, because she was pretty drunk :P I know if I'd spent a night in the stars with Albus Potter I wouldn't be forgetting it so easily.

The last bit really made me giggle. I share a room with my sister but thankfully she's quite a bit younger than me so she isn't bringing any guys home :P I hope we get to see more of Lorcan soon -- other than a flash of his bum!!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Hola!

I LOVE writing Al, he is one my favourite next-gen kids and I adore him a hundred per cent. He is quite quiet in this, but as you said he and Lyss aren't back to what they were like seven/eight years ago. They are friends for now but it will take time, if there is going to be a relationship.

She was pretty drunk indeed! :p But she does remember some bits such as Al's smile, his eyes and that they said they would be friends. Oh I don't think I would either! No forgetting that in a hurry.

HA! Oh yes you will see more of Lorcan :p and Chloe since their relationship is fun to write. I'm lucky I don't have to deal with that :)

Thanks again!

-Soph x


 Report Review

Review #8, by jessicalorewrites Ayli's Birthday, Making Friends And Drunken Kisses

11th July 2014:
HI!

I'M SUPER EXCITED BECAUSE THEY KISSED AND SLEPT NEXT TO EACH OTHER AND IT IS SO ADORABLY CUTE I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

I thought you might've tricked us all with the chapter title and that it'd be a drunken kiss between someone else so I am so so happy to discover that this was not the case and there was some Alyssa/Al action to make my inner girl squeal to no end. I'm a little confused about Albus' sexuality now... he said he's not "supposed" to like girls and yet he obviously appears to like Lyss. I guess he's just working all this out for himself :)

Them sleeping under the stars together though is just the cutest thing ever. I want my very own Albus Potter so I can sleep with him outside :(

Can I also just comment and say that I love how you give your characters siblings? It's always something that I not in fanfiction, but a lot of writers don't really give their characters any brothers or sisters - or if they do, it's only the 1. Actually it's not just fanfic -- this is true of most literature! I know the average amount of children for most families is 2.4 but coming from a person with 10 siblings/half-siblings, I appreciate larger family representation :P

Overall, another fab chapter!! The plot is moving forward happily and I'm just eager to see what happens next.

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Hey,

HAHA, YES I KNOW. LOOK HOW CUTE AND ADORABLE THEY ARE!!

Hehe, that would have been evil if it was some random person. But no it is most definitely Albus! HA! Oh my god, I didn't realise it before that it does make him sound a little gay. But nope Al is definitely straight. When he said it, it was just meant in the way that boys say I don't like girls' when they're younger because they think we have germs or something :p

Albus is a cutie, and yes it is the most adorable thing a boy could do. Sleeping under the stars all snuggled up together, just perfect.

I only have two (older siblings) so I was always wishing for a younger one when I was little, but I had enough little cousins (as the years went on) all younger than me to make up for it. I definitely have a thing for writing larger families or OC's with lots of siblings because I know I would hate being an only child and I actually want a large family when the times comes, so I think that influences me writing it that way. But man 10!! A girl I once knew had 15/16 half/full siblings!

Thank you dear, this chapter didn't agree with me so I'm glad you like it. Thanks for reading and reviewing!!

-Soph x


 Report Review

Review #9, by jessicalorewrites Birthday Planning, Summer And Topless Boys

11th July 2014:
Hello again!

SQUEE. ALBUS AND LYSS ARE TOO CUTE!! I know they have a long way to go yet before a relationship can be put on the table but I think when it does (hopefully) happen they are going to be so adorable together.

If I'm completely honest this chapter was a little too busy for my taste however you did handle the amount of characters quite well. I felt like maybe not all of them were necessary bearing in mind some had barely any input, but my presumption is that this is mostly an introduction to them and we'll get to read more about them later :)

Ayli is my favourite (other than Al/Alyssa) at the moment. She seems very creative and open-minded and her mum's shop seems like the best thing ever. I wish I could draw like she seems to be able to do :(

About to go on and read the next chapter and by the look of the chapter title I am VERY EXCITED!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Heya,

Albus and Alyssa I KNOW!! They are and I love writing them because of that. They sure do have a long way to go right now but they shall be even more adorable if they get together.

I HATE introducing new characters and since they play more of a part later in the story I didn't want to throw them in then. Which is why I thought them in the birthday planning bit was better. It is bust and I do think its a bit all over the place.

Ayli is sure fun to write, she's got that craziness but also kindness and loving side to her as well as her being so creative. I wanted a different job for them since mostly you see Healers, Auror's etc but since they haven't been out of school that long it didn't seem right for them to go into such big carers.

Be excited for the next one! Haha :p
Thanks again!

-Soph x


 Report Review

Review #10, by jessicalorewrites Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

11th July 2014:
Hello again!

This chapter was another delight and is certainly developing well. Again, it made me giggle at the best of times and then also grimace when Terry the Creep started being - well - creepy. Where are that man's manners?! To leer and stare at Alyssa like that... it's just plain weird. I do hope she'll speak to her mother and won't be off on anymore dates with him!

In a way though, I think it was worth it just to be saved by Albus Potter ;) *swoons* at first I thought maybe Chloe HAD sent him but then, as Lyss says, she can tell he is lying. Which just makes the whole affair even sweeter, in a way.

There was just one sentence that I thought kind of interrupted the flow a little bit, which was "he was already there, looking up and down the street like a hawk looking for its prey." If you changed one of the looks to something like searching then it would make the whole thing run a little smoother :)

Overall another excellent read! Eeek

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Hi again!

Terry the Creep is a huge creep, obviously. He earned the nickname a lot more than Awful Terry. Where are they indeed! He doesn't have a clue honestly. There are definitely some werido's out there in the world. Lyss definitely has words with her mother.

Yes, Albus Potter is just perfect and I adore him. Ahh there is a an explanation about this in later chapters about whether Chloe has sent him, but of course Al is lying so who knows. Al is a sweetie!

Ooh thank you! It does sound better, when I get around to editing, I shall change it :D

Thanks again!

-Soph x



 Report Review

Review #11, by jessicalorewrites Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

11th July 2014:
Hey!

I've been wanting to read this for a while so I'm taking the opportunity of the HC to do so now :) the summary grabbed me instantly but it's always just been a matter of finding the time. Now that I'm here, I can't wait to read!!

Who knows why, but I was expecting this to be a Hogwarts fic. I'm surprised - but happy - to discover it is not! I don't really read many stories with the main character at about 19/20 so this is practically a first, but if I'm honest it's probably one of my favourite ages to read (though I don't do it often). Al and Lyss being next-door neighbours is a really cute idea that I think has lots of potential for fluffy moments. And bearing in mind their mothers are friends, I sense a lot of interference later on in the story ;)

This first chapter is also incredibly funny! I actually laughed out loud twice I think which is unusual because I usually do it internally when reading :P the line that really got me was "I always wondered where Voldemort left his spawn" hehehe.

Overall this has been thoroughly enjoyable -- I can't wait to read on and find out more about Alyssa :)

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: HEY!

Ooh I'm glad you're here, I think I had the same idea for your story 'Collision' but the HC ended before I reviewed so they wouldn't have counted but ahh well.

I was at first thinking having it be at Hogwarts but then I changed my mind, there aren't enough stories of those who are just out of Hogwarts, trying to find their feet and their way in the world. Oh yes, being next door neighbours adds a lot of fun and fluff through out the story. As for their mum's, boy are they influential and there is part much later in the story (since everything is already planned out) that shows this. :)

I love writing Alyssa since she is different to my other OC's and there are bits of her a lot like me, but there are parts which aren't and I loved extended on those parts. Alyssa and Caine are most definitely like me and my brothers although mine are older rather than younger, it's the same sort of banter. Especially the bit about him being extra noisy when she was hungover, I've done than before :p

Than line has to be one of my favourite's as well, it was originally going to be 'Satan' but I changed it to Voldemort since it seemed more insulting :p

Thank you Jess!!

-Potterfan310
Soph x


 Report Review

Review #12, by carellio Bridesmaids, Best Men And Sober Kisses

4th June 2014:
I absolutely adore this story. Its written really well, and I love all the characters!
Please update soon!

Author's Response: Hi

Aww thank you so much. The next chapter is in the works but it's giving me a little bit of bother so who knows when I'll put it up. But I'd say around a week maybe.

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #13, by Akussa Birthday Planning, Summer And Topless Boys

20th May 2014:
Hello again!

I'm back for yet another review. I felt very surprised by the time that seems to have past since last chapter. Is it a couple days? Weeks? It's very strange how I cannot pinpoint this and it tickles me!!!

That friend is way too much into her birthday! Her friends are good to put up with it :D Once again I felt like there were way too many characters that weren't necessary to the scene (Briana, Dominique and even Caleb didn't bring much to the scene and could have been left out in order to put more of an emphasis on the other characters). That being said, the interaction with the Potter boys really made me laugh. It's so typical fo boys to show off their muscles when they work outside...

Two little things I noticed through my read that I want to share with you. I want to reming you that they are my opinions and therefor, you should be the one to decide wether you change it or not!!!
Regarding the very last sentence of this chapter, I know it's a weird comment but I don't feel like it works. I mean technically, she hasn't got herself into anything yet. Something more along the lines of "what is happening to me?" would be more appropriate for the situation, I think.

"...Rose came up with sensible ideas as she's the sensible one..."; it's kind of redundant

A good chapter overall, I like how Alyssa is developing and I very much like Albus. Do they make a good fit? Not so far in my mind so it'll be interesting to see how you will make it all work out!

Author's Response: Hi again!

Haha, it isn't that long actually. The second chapter is set on 16th July and this one is set 25th July, so nine days since her terrible date with Terry the Creep. And if it tickles you about the first chapter, well that's set 8th July. Most of the chapters are set within days/weeks of each other.

Ayli is crazy that's for sure and way into her birthday. The only reason I see her like this is because she didn't have such a good 16th or 18th birthdays (As they're the big important ones) and wanted to make up for it for her 19th. They probably were too many once again but I wanted them introduced before the next chapter (which is Ayli's birthday party) and to set up their dynamics as friends too.
Being neighbours with the Potter boys certainly has some perks :p

At the moment they aren't a good fit, Alyssa is still stuck in her past seeing him as the boy next door whilst Albus obviously has other feelings (Which haven't yet come out).

Reading back over, you're right because as you said she isn't technically into any thng yet.

Thanks again for pointing that out, it's been changed slightly and is in the queue again. Thanks for reading and reviewing too.

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #14, by Akussa Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

19th May 2014:
Hi again!

Another good chapter, I kile how this story is developing. Terry the creep is really horrible. I'd hate to go on a date with a guy like that. Ok, I HATED going on a date with a guy like that because I already did... Poor Alyssa, plus it's a date arranged by her mother... erg.

Chloe is rather amusing. And Albus is quite the knight in shinning armour. Alyssa will realise it soon enough alrough she seems rather blind to everything regarding him. Stuck in the past and unable to see what is in front of her.

I noticed a couple little errors, mostly missing words like in this sentence :

"...In most cases I would pleased..."

Overall a good chapter, and a story that is developping well.

Author's Response: Hey!

Terry certainly earned the nickname Alyssa gave him. He is horrible! I would hate so too. Oh dear, I hope it ended well with a knight coming to rescue you :) It can't be easy having your mother arrange awful dates, like the creeps she sets Lyss up with. No wonder their relationship is a little rocky at times.

Chloe is one of favourite characters in this to write, mainly because it amuses her that her mother is disapproving of her boyfriend, when she's trying to get Alyssa (Whose nearly a year and a bit older) one. Her and Alyssa's relationships is fun to write as well!

She eventually does realise, but as you said for now she is blind to what he does. Alyssa still thinks of him as the little boy next door who she used to play with. She doesn't see him as the teenage boy that he is. Definitely 100% right!

Thanks again for pointing that out, it's now edited and in the queue again. Thanks for reading and reviewing as well.

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #15, by Akussa Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

16th May 2014:
Hello! I'm here for the Gryffie review exchange!

This is an interesting opening chapter. I like the narative and the way it happens through action (mostly). So far though, I feel very overwhelmed. There are so many characters. Alyssa is interesting and all but she is way too surrounded for my tired mind right now! I had to re-read some parts because I had no idea who was in the scene and who wasn't... There are a bunch of little characters that probably are important to the story at some point but aren't essential to the opening chapter (Katrin, Caine, Carrie, Shaun...). That's my opinion though, you aren't obligated to listen to me :D

I noticed a couple little things grammar or rather typo wise :

"...I muttered knowing that I didn't mean it, as I looking through the cupboards for paracetamol..."; 'looking' should be 'looked'

"... keeps setting me up on dates with weirdo's..."; the appostrophe after 'weirdo' isn't needed

"..."Is it okay if get Hayden's carseat?"..."; who's getting the carseat? 'I' 'we'?


There were a couple other things but these were the major ones I noted. It's got potential so far and I'll be interested in knowing how these characters develop. Albus seems like a good guy and I think their mums will be pretty happy about all of this turn out!!!

Good beginning, keep it up!

Akussa

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you! Introducing characters is the bane of my life, I hate it. I think I either introduce a few or way too many, so you're probably right about it being confusing. Alyssa has a very busy home life with all her siblings. Thank you for pointing those out, they're all edited and it's now back in the queue :)

Albus is a good guy despite Alyssa's thoughts/opinion and their mums will be happy in the end, for certain reasons as well.

Thanks for reading, reviewing and the tips.
-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #16, by ohmymerlin Helping Sisters, Weird Boyfriends And A Major Secret

2nd May 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm so sorry for the crazy delay all of a sudden I realised I had uni assignments and they just plonked their way through HPFF D':

Technically I should still be doing the assignments but meh. I need a break, hehe :p

Okay, so first of all you have improved so much! I can see that you're taking the advice you get and your writing is just getting better and better! This might sound mum-like but I'm so proud of how much you've improved! Your writing was always good but now it's just got that extra good quality that everyone always appreciates! :D

However, I did notice a few mistakes but they were significantly less and they aren't the same mistakes, which is just brilliant!

For me that was easy peasey, for some of the others not so much.

For me that was easy peasy, unlike some of the others.

Peasy isn't actually word but when I looked it up on Google it said that was how you spelt it. But that's not really even a major deal, it's just something I prefer to spell my way :p I also felt the wording was a bit clunky so I changed it a little bit. Feel free to change it back!

"Chloe you're seventeen!"

"Chloe, you're seventeen!"

There should just be a comma after Chloe. I can't remember why but I'm sure that's the grammar rule. Unless her name is followed by a verb, then you don't need a comma :)

"They kissed, at Ayli's birthday."

"They kissed at Ayli's birthday."

You don't need a comma after they kissed. Unless you wanted it to be two sentences then it should be: "They kissed. At Ayli's birthday."

I bumped right into a tall guy, who like me had been running.

I bumped right into a tall guy, who had also been running.

This just sounded a bit awkward so I changed it around a bit but if that still sounds awkward to you, feel free to change it! :D

Also, when you wrote joggers I thought you meant shoes (that's what we call them, along with sneakers, trainers, runners and everything in between :p) so I got a bit confused when she then put on her shoes haha :p Although I don't know if that's the whole of Australia though or just my family :p

"Sorry," I replied myself as I took a step back

"Sorry," I replied as I took a step back

I don't think you need the 'myself'. It's very unnecessary and it kinda sounds like she's talking to herself instead of Albus :p

"Can use your bathroom please?"

"Can I use your bathroom please?"

All you did here was forget the 'I' so that's just a typo :)

But seriously, that was all I picked up on! You have improved SO MUCH, Sophie! I already love this story but just fixing those small grammar things make it so much nicer and easier to read :D

Okay, so now I'm going to get the fangirly part of my review, haha!

OMG CHLOE, YOU'RE SEVENTEEN WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!?!!??!?!

Is it honestly that bad to wait a few extra months or years?! It makes me feel old wanting to snap at her, "Listen to your mother, you're still a child for Pete's sake!"

(You know you're old when you start agreeing with parents in books, movies, TV shows etc.)

And aw, Ayssa, climbing into Albus' house in only a towel. I think you subconsciously (well, nearly consciously seeing as her inner thoughts at ice cream were very aware of what she wanted) WANT Albus to see you in less than a towel, hehehe ;)

And omg I actually laughed when Albus said his remark about wearing the same thing. That was brilliant! :p

Anyway, Sophie, this was a brilliant chapter! You're such a fantastic writer! ♥

Feel free to request again! :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla!

It's fine, I totally understand. I think I have a pile of assignments to get on with, but I'm replying rather than doing them. Oops. We all need a break sometimes!

I honestly think that you have given me better advice than my English teachers ever did when I was at school. You've got a career there :p

Thank you so much! Sound mum-like as much as you want :p From the tips I've been editing (and hoping to edit) a bunch of my other stories as well to make them better.

It does look better without the 'e'.

Ahh I missed that one, I thought I got all off them when I edited but clearly not. Whatever the rule is, it's been a huge help so thank you for pointing it out!

Haha, joggers/jogging bottoms are pretty much trackie/tracksuit bottoms but are made from a different material if that makes sense. I didn't want to say tackie bottoms because it sounded a bit chavy and for whatever reason I associate tackie bottoms/tracksuits with chavs which is probably a bit sterotype of me :p

Hehe, thank you!! You're too kind :D

She certainly is thinking crazy right now! Just like Alyssa said she should wait the months before her 18th or even a few years. Yes! That's one hundred per cent true, either that or when you say something and realise you sound exactly like your mother :p

Her inner thoughts are very aware, but will she follow her head or her heart?

It had to be done :p It worked to break the tension between them too.

And you are too! ♥

Thanks so much :D
-Sophie xx


 Report Review

Review #17, by newgenerationlover Wedding Planning, Lies And Spending Way Too Much Time With Potter

9th April 2014:
Love it! Can't wait to keep reading!

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much, I'm glad you love it. Thanks for reading and reviewing, it means a lot. *hugs*

-Potterfan310 x


 Report Review

Review #18, by ohmymerlin Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

12th March 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I've finally caught up - YAY!

Ooh! Al and Lyss are slowly progressing through a relationship - how sweet! However, I did notice a few errors that pulled me out of the story slightly. They're nothing major, but it just distracted me from the plot because I was focusing on the errors instead.

"Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint, "That's two-ninety." I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.

This should be: "Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint. "That's two-ninety," I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.

The first part of that sentence is right, but after the word pint should be a full-stop and not a comma, and after the word ninety it should be a comma instead of a full stop.

Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar, "You okay?" I asked making him look up.

This should be: Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar. "You okay?" I asked making him look up.

Again, there should be a full stop instead of a comma. If you have the speaking verb (oh god this is terrible wording, it's so ironic I apologise) after the actual dialogue, then you won't need a comma before the dialogue. And if the words before the dialogue aren't speaking verbs - as I put it so badly previously - then you don't need to put a comma before the dialogue.

I don't know if that makes any sense, my brain isn't doing great today!

I nodded sympathetically, "I know how you feel mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."

This should be: I nodded sympathetically. "I know how you feel. Mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."

I changed the comma to a full stop, and I added a full stop after the word feel. You could add one of these bad boys ; in if you'd prefer that instead but it works either way. It makes it flow a lot better. I find that if you actually say the dialogue out loud, or even the whole story, it helps smooth out the tiny errors.

Albus nodded as he held his glass up, "Here's to mother's who just won't listen," Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."

This should be: Albus nodded as he held his glass up. "Here's to mothers who just won't listen." Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."

I changed the comma again, and I also got rid of the apostrophe in mothers. It would have needed an apostrophe if you followed with an item of the mother. E.g. "Don't touch my mother's glass of wine, she may hex you." but when generalising mothers, you don't need an apostrophe :)

Well he said he'd like another date if your up for it.

You've just typed the wrong 'you're' in this sentence :)

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," Lorcan laughed as did Chloe, "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning." Lorcan laughed as did Chloe. "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."

I just put full stops before and after the 'Lorcan laughed as did Chloe' (you might want to change that a bit too, maybe try 'Lorcan and Chloe both laughed/Lorcan laughed at the same time as Chloe - it makes it flow a bit better) as having the 'Lorcan laughed' implies that Lorcan said that bit of the dialogue, not Lyss. But if Lyss laughed and you wrote it as:

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," I laughed

then that would be correct! I think. I tend not to do it but so many authors do it, I think it's honestly just a matter of personal preference :)

Okay, so I noticed you tend to make quite a few of the same mistakes. A comma only needs to be placed within the speech if it's followed by 'he/she/they said' (and other synonyms for said). It ends with a full stop if it isn't followed by a 'he/she/they said'.

And a comma should only be at the start if the start is 'he/she/they said'. If that doesn't make sense, let me give you an example:

Ted said, "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."

Ted was struggling to move the table. "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."

Do you see the difference? It's not even that big of a deal but I'm really weird about my commas and punctuation, I really love it and I get really nit-picky about it, haha!

Okay, so the plot! The plot seems to be progressing really nicely! Why did Lyss freak out though? She should have just kept going at it and then she could have a super sexy boyfriend!

Characterisation: I think you're doing great on characterisation! I haven't had any issues with that so far, you're definitely good at that!

Al still seems like an enigma. I'm really curious as to what's going under that noggin. He just seems super private and/or quiet, and I really just want him to open up more!

Anywho, this was a wonderful chapter, Sophie! I'm really enjoying reading this story!

This story is super intriguing and I can't wait until the next chapter comes along! I just need to know what's going to happen with Albus and Alyssa!

That's another thing you're awesome at! You have this knack for getting people to come back to your stories. I don't know how you do it but I keep checking your stories to see if any of them have updated (yes, I read a lot of your stories but I suck and never review but I'm planning on changing that ASAP!)

Anywho, feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

(And congrats, I think this is the longest review I've ever written - YAY! :p)

Author's Response: Kayla!

I've finally gotten around to answering.

Al and Alyssa action, yes!

I've gotten around to sorting these out on my draft, so I just need to edit on here.

I have to say you've probably taught me more than my English teacher(s) ever did :p Career choice for you there! Haha. I've certainly picked up on things and now I'm trying to edit my other stories as well with my new found wisdom, thanks to you :D So massive thanks *hugs*

Yep, the difference is newly noted and will become my new rule when writing. Nit-picky is great!

Ha! She totally should have, but Lyss thinks it's ever so weird that there is kissing involved between them considering they used to play together as children and grew up together. I think a super sexy boyfriend called Albus Potter is enough to make anyone happy.

Ahh thank you!

Al is a bit of an enigma and hopefully there will be more of his feelings/his brain activity unleashed in up coming chapters, maybe even a bit in his POV. Al is a quiet person in general as well so it doesn't help matters either.

I've been meaning to put up Chapter 5 but haven't got around to it, it's on my (very long and never ending) to-do-list so it should be up soon, hopefully. Hehe, I could tell you spoilers but where's the fun in that :p

Aww you're too kind! *hugs* I'm terrible like that as well, I always end up forgetting to review if it's been a while and I haven't reviewed the first lot of chapters and then I'm on like number 13 or something. Look forward to hearing from you again :)

-Potterfan310
Soph xx

(Longest review ever, you deserve a medal!)


 Report Review

Review #19, by ohmymerlin Ayli's Birthday, Making Friends And Drunken Kisses

18th February 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm here from my review thread! Firstly, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY KISSED THEY KISSED THEY KISSED!

CUTIE PIES!

WE FINALLY HAVE SOME ACTION! :'D But they agreed to be friends? Shouldn't they agree to be more than friends? *waggles eyebrows up and down like that old Cadbury ad*

... Unless you guys didn't have that ad and it was some weird Australian thing. If not, just ignore me, ahaha :p

Also, I loved the hummer part. I've been in one hummer and one Chrysler limo before and both of them had all that stuff you mentioned, and it's so much fun! I honestly wanted to just ride around in there all night but we had functions to attend, ahaha! So yeah, props for accuracy! :D

*coughs* Now that the fangirl part of my review is over, I'll comment on your grammar/spelling.

I caught a fair few errors, sorry I'm really nit-picky. I am really weird about these things, please don't hate me! D:

"Yeah the baby of the group has finally caught up with us oldies." Rose chimed in.

This should have a comma at the end instead of a full stop like so:

"Yeah the baby of the group has finally caught up with us oldies," Rose chimed in.

...and then drank it in one, "You all ready?" She asked as she smoothed...

This should have a full stop at the end of the 'one', and a lower case s on the 'she'. Here's what I mean:

...and then drank it in one. "You all ready?" she asked as she smoothed...

"Have fun girls," Her mum called smiling at us all as she came out armed with a camera, "You all look beautiful!"

Should be:

"Have fun girls," her mum called smiling at us all as she came out armed with a camera. "You all look beautiful!"

It just flows a lot better with the full stop at the end of camera.

...heard Seamus say, "And no boys." in the background... should be:

...heard Seamus say, "And no boys," in the background...

I made that a comma because the 'in' was a part of the sentence. Honestly, I don't know if that's grammatically correct because that still confuses me but I think it is right. If not, just ignore me, ahaha, because I generally do that because I like the way it looks, hehe :p

"Happy birthday Ayli!" He called, "Surprise."

This should be:

"Happy birthday, Ayli!" he called. "Surprise."

A comma needs to always go before someone's name (there are some exceptions but I can't think of any currently) and again the 'he' should be in lower case.

"Amazing." Dom muttered in awe

"Amazing," Dom muttered in awe

"I love you all." Ayli replied.

"I love you all," Ayli replied.

"Pass the bubbly." He said into my ear

"Pass the bubbly," he said into my ear

Again, all these should have commas after the last word instead of a full stop. And on the last one the h from he should be in lower case.

The red hed she had been dancing earlier helped us across the VIP area and out through the club.

You've misspelt 'head' and forgotten the word 'with' between dancing and earlier. :p

We eventualy arrived back on my street

'Eventually' is misspelt here but it's most likely a typo since I did the exact same thing retyping it out, ahaha!

I climbed inot my bed and settled down.

This is just a small typo of 'into' but that's probably a result of typing too fast, ahaha! I think that's the reason for most typos nowadays! :p

Also, this sentence: Laughing I waved goodbye to him as Caleb span me around in his arms and took me dance.

Instead of dance, you should have 'dancing'. Or you could have written 'took me to dance' but personally I think dancing suits better. :)

Overall with your grammar, I've noticed you tend to repeat the same mistakes. You often put a full stop where there should be a comma and have the 'he/she/they said' in capitals when it should (usually) be lower cased. I don't know if that's a term but I had no idea how to put it, ahaha!

You also asked about characterisation. I think it's great so far! I haven't had any problems with it so I don't think you need to worry about that!

Next up, plot! The plot seems to be progressing very nicely. We're slowly getting some action from Al and Alyssa so that's definitely good! :D

So yeah, I don't really have much to say anymore except that OH MY GOD THEY KISSED.

Still not over it, ahaha! :p

Anyway, this was a great chapter! Sorry if I came across as a bit harsh or condescending about the errors, I honestly don't intend it that way. :/

And oh my god, sorry about the length of this! o.o

This is what happens when you write one sentence per line instead of clumping them together in paragraphs, ahaha! :p

Feel free to request again! :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hey Kayla!

Super sorry I'm late replying, my internet has been messed up as well as being busy.

THEY KISSED AND EVEN I CANNOT BELIEVE IT :D

They've agree to be Friends? For now maybe ;) Hehe yes! We did have that advert along with the gorilla one :p It must have been a weird UK thing as well then. As for more than friends? Wait and see, wait and see ;)

I've been in a limo once so I sort of based it on that and some pictures of Hummers from off online. It's so fun though and I think we would have rode around all night as well :) So much fun but we had places to be :)
Hehe fangirl all you like but grammar/spelling is good.

I've gone over on my saved copy and edited all of those that you've pointed out so THANK YOU. I'm so used to writing things lately that except when I know it's needed all grammar goes out the window and then I go all funny when typing which is a pain for me.

Ahh so long as Alyssa and the others behave themselves that it. Hehe there's more to come but THEY KISSED!! You're in for a lot more in later chapters.

Ahh your seriously a life-saver and definitely not harsh! I've said it before but Thank you, thank you, thank you for your reviews!!! *hugs*

Hehe it's like a whole essay :p

- Sophie xx


 Report Review

Review #20, by newgenerationlover Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

18th February 2014:
Really like this story, can't wait to keep reading!

Author's Response: Thank you!! I should update soon (I hope)
Thanks for R+R'ing!

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #21, by MC_HK Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

5th February 2014:
Hello! It's been a while, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything from the previous review!

Areas of concern:
-I see lots of areas that could use commas. They will help in breaking up your sentences a bit, as they are currently very run-on. There are also a few punctuation errors that need to be addressed.

-The characters you have are very good, and I enjoy the personalities you give them. Terry the Creep really was creepy O_O

-The flow was alright, but due to the run-on sentences and punctuation in the wrong areas, it seemed a little monotonous. This can be easily fixed though, don't worry.

Things worth mentioning:
-"...which did a good job of covering up my cleavage which was very much on show." You have 'which' twice in the same sentence, and it sounds really repetitive and the sentence in itself is run-on. When you mention that there is cleavage to be seen, you already imply that it's 'out there'. It's not something that could be subtle. So if you just take out the last part, then the sentence would be better. You also do this same thing with the word 'bit' later on in the chapter, and it might not seem like it but it's something that could make a reader stumble over what they're reading or even drive them off. Repetition is not really favored much (in my opinion.)

-I noticed some minor spelling and grammar mistakes. Like, you use "pray" instead of "prey." There are more, but I'm sure you could comb through carefully to find those. I also noticed a handful of missing words.

-This kind of ties into repetition. There's one point where you say that Terry sees Alyssa and calls her name, then in the next paragraph he is actually calling her name. This is redundant, and you can probably take out the part where you say he calls her name.

-"Terry went for steak with chips, plus a side of chips..." I don't know if you meant to put chips twice, but if you did you might want to add that he ordered an additional side of chips.

-"I had eaten my burger because I was starving and plus eating didn't seem to stop him." Goodness, I noticed how rude I must sound, and I'm so sorry. It's not my intention at all. But I would consider removing this sentence or modifying it, only because they are at dinner and she's meant to eat her food.

-"...A) I was getting cold and B) it would stop..." I would like to mention that this kind of change of format is kind of awkward and unnecessary. Although you're telling it from a first person POV it's passable, but I'm just letting you know that in my opinion, it's a bit awkward. If you took the A) and B) out, then you still have a perfectly good sentence.

-"Memories, isn't it." This is kind of a confusing sentence. I suggest modifying it to be clearer, like, "Memories, for when we're old and grey."

Overall, a good, well-rounded chapter :) I enjoyed it!

--Monica

Author's Response: Hi,

It's fine and sorry I've taken ages to reply.

I think now that I have a beta and I've re-read and most of these have been sorted. I've yet to edit this chapter on here yet.

It's fine honestly and thank you so, so much I'll get around to going over and fixing things!

-Potterfan310
Soph :)


 Report Review

Review #22, by LightLeviosa5443 Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

4th February 2014:
Hi! I'm so sorry that I'm so late with this review! I'm terrible, really!

I love your writing, it's so addicting and fabulous. I really am liking Alyssa, and oh my goodness the dress thing. Awful Terry is definitely more appropriately named Terry The Creep. Very fitting.

I love love love love love love love love love that Al was the knight in shining armour, and really that entire section where he's saving her then walking her home then she's in his room and she's climbing out the window was so funny.

WAIT THIS IS THE CHLOE THAT YOU WERE ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT HER GETTING MARRIED?!?! WHAT?! Sorry, I got distracted when I realized that. I may or may not have seen your post in "Questions About My Story" thread.

Anywho, I love how Alyssa was all "I'm not so sure I can say that" when she see's Lorcan's bum. So funny, I think it's great that she was so oblivious and well, I guess innocent, about it.

Wonderfully done!

I loved this chapter. The characterization was SPOT ON (as I think I already said, with all of my gushing). I didn't catch any grammar or spelling mistakes, and the flow was well-done!

xoxo Sarah

Author's Response: Hi, don't worry about it :)

Aw you are too kind, Thank you *hugs* Alyssa's so fun to write and so different to what I'm used to.

Terry the creep is so much more certainly more fitting, O_O

I love that moment too ♥ It's one of my favourites!

Yes this is the same Chloe I asked about getting married! Although that doesn't come into play just yet but there are reasons :)

I think anyone with a sibling young or old, you just want to ignore that whole factor or you end up mentally scaring yourself for life. Though to be fair with Alyssa it's her baby sister and she really doesn't want to think about that as Chloe sometimes acts older than she is:p

Thank you ♥

-Soph :D



 Report Review

Review #23, by ohmymerlin Birthday Planning, Summer And Topless Boys

31st January 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm here again!

This was an interesting chapter! We can definitely tell that Alyssa is starting to - and unwillingly - become interested in Al, hehe :p

However, I did notice quite a few grammatical errors which did pull me out of the story slightly.

This is actually a spelling error but 'cracken' should be spelt as 'kraken'. I did have to look that up though because it's such a weird word. I always hear it said but I never actually knew what it was, ahaha! :p

Her speech about being nineteen is EXACTLY what I say! It's such an awkward age! It's just there. :p But, there should be a question mark at the end of the first sentence: What's so exciting about turning nineteen.

It should be: What's so exciting about turning nineteen? as it is a question.

This too should have a question mark: Huh? What are you on about Lil.

It should be: Huh? What are you on about, Lil?

This also needs a question mark: Hey Al wanna come to my birthday party.

It should be: Hey, Al, wanna come to my birthday party?

The 'he' should be in lower case letters in this sentence: "What is it Lyss? Have I grown an extra head or something?" He asked

Like: "What is it, Lyss? Have I grown an extra head or something?" he asked

Also, a comma should go before someone's name. I'll use this sentence as an example:

You were staring at Al Lyss.

The comma should go after Al as he is currently the subject. So it should be like:

You were staring at Al, Lyss.

I've noticed that quite a few of those commas are missing and because I'm a grammar nut, it does detract me from the story a bit.

This is also incorrect: ...sliding down it until I hit the floor, "Ow." I moaned softly...

It should be: ...sliding down it until I hit the floor. "Ow," I moaned softly...

The comma is at the end of the dialogue if it is followed by '(s)he/they said' or something similar. But if it was phrased like this: I moaned softly, "Ow." it ends in a full stop as there is no more speech.

Also, the last sentence: Oh crap, what have I got myself into. should have a question mark on the end because she's asking herself a question.

Anyway, you also asked about the new characters.

First of all, where can I get a friend like Ayli? :p I want a friend that bribes me with shoes and is able to design her (and my) own clothes! :p I have to say, that's a very unique profession, especially in fanfiction so props for creativity!

Also, can I just say I love the name Niamh? It's so nice to look at! :p

And I definitely agree with Dom! Strippers should always come to a party! ;)

Speaking of, Dom seems like a fun character! We don't know much about her yet but I think she's going to be good!

Rose seems very straight-laced but she still seems very sweet. Her heart seems to be in the right spot.

And Caleb sounds like heaps of fun! And again, I like the creativity with the professions! I feel like a lot of fanfiction authors seem to think that there are only three jobs in the world: Aurors, Healers and Ministry workers, hehe :p Not that it's bad having characters work there, it can just get a bit tiring.

Also, what does Alyssa do? It said that she worked at night but didn't say her actual job - unless I missed that?

Oh and the shirtless scene sounded like fun ;) Just like a movie where the boys next door reveal their beautiful bodies, ehehe ;)

Anyway, I hope this wasn't too harsh but I really enjoyed this chapter! I'm enjoying the whole story, actually!

Feel free to request again - on this story or any other story!

- Kayla :)

(Also, sorry about the essay! :p)

Author's Response: Hey, (Essay's are good!)

Alyssa is definitely starting to gets some heart pings and flutters no matter how much she wants to deny it.

Damn I've done it again, Thank you for pointing those out. I'll be sure to change them before sending this chapter off to my beta.

I think Nineteen is certainly an awkward age I mean you can pretty do much whatever you could at eighteen. You just feel that bit older.

Ayli is soo fun to write! I was trying to think of how she would manage to get the shoes to bribe Lyss with and then I was like she could be a fashion designer along with her mother who runs a shop.

I love Irish accents and considering Ayli is Seamus' daughter I thought it fitting that he would have married an Irish woman from back home.

Dom has good ideas :p Strippers and parties are a must. She's a lot like Ayli but she has a slightly wicked side to her.

You got Rose in one :) She's straight laced and the mother of the group, so she tries to keep the others in line.

Caleb's great, he's so fun to write as well. Him and Ayli together are like two little children who have eaten too many sweets :p I wanted it to be different and as this lot as still young I didn't really want them to anything heavy.

I've written that in but I've yet to edit. Alyssa works in a pub as a barmaid as her uncle is a close friend to the owner. She's worked there since she turned eighteen.

Oh yes, think of that moment when the guy in the 'Call Me Maybe' song video does it ;) Plus their both Potters.

Nope not at all and thank you once again for pointing the grammar stuff out as it is so to my strong point.

-Sophie :D


 Report Review

Review #24, by ohmymerlin Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

29th January 2014:
Hey, Sophie!

This was another great chapter! I'm really curious as to how their relationship is going to develop! I liked the little friendly banter - especially with the list. It made me laugh so much!

"Buy bread, check. Kill Albus Potter, check. Put the cat out, check." hehehehehehehehe!

The characterisations were very good! Terry is a disgusting creep and I hope he stays out of the story for good now. What's he doing perving on girls nearly ten years younger than him?!

Although, him reaching out for the salt reminded me of Harry in Order of the Phoenix when he reaches out for Cho's hand and then lunging to the sugar when she didn't notice him, ahaha! Was that intentional? :p

Anyway, I do have a little bit of criticism on your grammar, sorry!

You forgot the closing quotation mark here: "You have five minutes Lyss to get ready and apparate.

This should end in a question mark: And anyway how on earth did this dress get mum's approval."

This sentence

...for Quidditch matches as well as the muggle sport: Football whilst stuffing his face with chips.

should be structured like this:

...for Quidditch matches as well as the Muggle sport, football, whilst stuffing his face with chips.

You misspelt nicknamed as 'nicknaned' when Terry is forcing himself upon Alyssa.

This also should have a question mark at the end: Memories, isn't it.

Although I saw on the forums you've gotten a beta and it will just smooth out all the errors. What I find that helps me is to read out loud what I've written. And that way it makes me really concentrate and then I pick up on the errors more easily! Although, I recommend doing this with music on or at a quiet whisper because your family might hear and might start thinking you have an imaginary friend, ahahaha! :p

I still feel like Alyssa is being too cold to Albus, though! Warm up, m'dear! :p

Anywho, this was a really good chapter! The plot is interesting and I'm keen to read more! Feel free to request again! :D

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla!

Thank you! Slowly but surely they get with a little help of some liquid courage, lol.

Love a bit of banter and I don't really think humor's a strong point for me so it's both interesting and fun to write.

Terry is a creep and Alyssa has her mother to blame for him. He may be in it once more for luck but for now he's gone.
I forgot about that :) but nope it wasn't intentional, just written at random because of him wanting to be like the couple at the next table.

It's fine, I suck pretty bad at grammar, it's a wonder I passed English to be honest :p I'll be sorting them out right away.

Yep, got my beta sorted and chapter one is done! Just need to edit it on here. Thank for the tip, I might have to try that. Although I do mutter/talk to myself sometimes when writing for no reason so it wouldn't be no different I guess. Haha, certainly doing that was music, can always say I was singing along then :p

Alyssa is a bit cold but she soon warms up to him in more ways than one :p

Thank you so,so much Kayla. Your reviews are so helpful!!
-Sophie :D



 Report Review

Review #25, by ohmymerlin Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

24th January 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm here from my review thread :)

Okay firstly, I just have to say that you've seemed to misplace a few of your commas. For example:

...my room had started to spin, "ALYSSA!" My mother yelled again. - this should be ...my room had started to spin. "ALYSSA!" my mother yelled again.

...faint I stood up warily, "Coming mum." I called back... - and this should be ...faint I stood up warily. "Coming, Mum," I called back...

I remember that there's a good tutorial on the forums either by pennyardelle or WeasleyTwinMom about dialogue. I used to always get extremely confused but they make it so much clearer. It's actually one of my favourite topics, haha!

One thing also, generally if someone vomits when they're drunk, they usually don't feel so bad in the morning. I wasn't aware of this (as I haven't thrown up since 2006) because most of the alcohol leaves your system. They still feel a bit groggy but they're generally okay.

Unless she continued drinking then ignore me! :p

Also, a few times you've written 'ad ate' instead of 'a date' but they're just small typos that everyone makes :p

And you also spelt Apparating as 'appariting'. But that is the most annoying word to spell, I swear. :p

This is a pretty good first chapter but I must say I did get a bit confused with all the characters. I felt like I got a bit overwhelmed with all the information. I think you can keep the same amount of characters but maybe go slower when describing them? The first time I read this I nearly missed Adriana and then when Alyssa was talking about 'Ade' I got very confused until I reread it.

Okay this may be a personal preference but I feel like the nicknames were too much. I generally don't like nicknames so I might be a little biased but you had a nickname for nearly every character. It just felt too forced sometimes?

So, your characters. I quite like Alyssa. She seems to be very snarky and sarcastic but she's still got a kind heart. Although, I think she's quite rude to Albus. He hasn't done anything to her (as far as I know) and she's acting a bit childish, in my opinion. I think she should have just been polite to Albus. I know if I haven't spoken to anyone in eight years I just suck it up and act very polite. It may be forced or something, but still! I'm sure her mother raised her better than that! :p

Speaking of, her mother sounds quite intense but it is believable! There ARE some crazy mothers out there that try and force their daughters to get a boyfriend and have children early on. I agree with Alyssa, though. She may as well have some fun while she can!

I really like Chloe! She seems like a really fun sister! She kind of reminds me of Lydia from the Lizzie Bennet Diaries! And she seems like a typical 17 year old, who thinks that her mum will go crazy if she finds out she has a boyfriend but in all honesty, her mum will probably go crazy because she tried to hide it from her. Honesty is always the best policy!

Hayden seems like the cutest kid ever! And you wrote his speech very well! I find that a lot of authors (including myself) find it very difficult to write a baby's (or toddler's) speech so kudos!

Oh, I should also talk about Albus. He seems interesting. Why is it all of a sudden he wants to talk to Alyssa? Has he got some ulterior motive? And I think it's a bit silly of him to ask to be friends with her. He should just invite her out to places, talk to her more often and then BAM! friendship happens! :p

Anywho, this was a great introductory chapter. You've engaged the audience and I will definitely want to read more!

Feel free to request again!

(Also sorry for the essay-length review! I can really go on sometimes! :s)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hey, Kayla!

Gahh, grammar is so not my strong point and the comma and full stop being so close on a keyboard doesn't help either when you're typing fast :p Definitely think I might have to check that out when I'm on there next, thanks for the tip!

I didn't know that either but then when I drink I'm not normally sick which is why I probably feel so icky the next day. But yes after she was sick Alyssa continued drinking as she wanted to continue her sister's birthday celebrations.

Ooops, that's me and my fast typing I swear. :p And as for the apparating thing, you're right it has got to be one of the worst things to spell so thank you for the correct way!!

You're not the only one so don't worry :) But it's no wonder what with Alyssa, her four siblings, parents, nephew and the others! Slower is on the cards! I'm hoping that if someone picks this up to beta that they can help me out with it as well but for now, I shall try and work some magic on it :p

It's fine but I probably do use them for nearly all of the characters, I'm just used to nicknames for people I know so it's pretty much normal/a habit for me :)

Alyssa's especially fun to write! And yes deep down she has got a kind heart. As for her and the Albus thing, their story will probably come in later chapters (I think?) but anyway they were really close when they were younger until they went to Hogwarts and they got sorted into different houses as they had both planned on being in Gryffindor together, but Albus got put into Slytherin.

She was probably being childish and she knows it but he just irks her, but because they live next door to each other she sort of knows she can get away with it as there have been the occasional forced chats due to their mothers.

Haha, yes her mother is a little crazy! I'm with you and Alyssa on that, having fun while you still can.

I've never watched that but I think my face claim of Anna-Sophia Robb for one of my other stories plays the main role? I've only seen a pictures/gifs/screencaps. Any mother would probably go a little crazy but since she knows her mum isn't all that fond of Lorcan Chloe thinks it's best to keep it from her for now. Chloe's probably also the sibling that Alyssa is closest to, especially now that their elder sister Ade doesn't live with them anymore.

Hayden is adorable isn't he :) Thank you!! I have my own inspiration/guide in the form of my nephew, Hayden's speech is roughly based on the stuff he comes out with as Hayden is around the same sort of age.

Albus is interesting, it's not just a sudden thing and although it's not shown there has been the occasional conversation between them but it has been forced due to their mothers being around or if they are around friends, but that's more of a Hi/How are you/Bye sort of thing. Nope, no ulterior motive that I know of yet, he simply wants to be friends again because they're both out of school/more mature now. There were a few arguments shortly after they started their first year and their friendship fizzled (love that word :p) out, their only interactions being a smile or acknowledging each other when with friends. But the whole BAM friendship may be coming up so look out.

Thank you so, so much for the help!! And I think I'll definitely be re-requesting if you have the slots open.

An essay is always nice to read, especially when you didn't have to write it! Thanks again.
-Sophie :D


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>