Reading Reviews for A Blossoming Romance
  
33 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Dianainga Realisations, Talks And Chocolate Biscuits

25th September 2014:
Great chapter...surprised that Ginny and Harry were so blas about Albus having a girl sleep over, even if it was Lyss. Please keep adding chapters quickly...i am hooked!

Author's Response: Hey!

They are bothered but there is a reason they aren't as bothered about it being Alyssa. However after Alyssa leaves, Ginny does give Albus a stern talking too. The next chapter is still in the works and I'm updating something else, so it may be a while.

Thanks for taking the time to read and review.

-Potterfan310


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Review #2, by jessicalorewrites Realisations, Talks And Chocolate Biscuits

25th September 2014:
Hi,

I was super excited to see this has been uPDATED YES! I know you're working on lots of different WIPs so never feel pressured to update this, just know that I love you that little bit more when you do ;) hahah

OH MY GOD THOUGH GINNY FINDING THEM IN BED! I CRINGE FOR THEM THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SO TERRIBLY AWKWARD WOW.

AND THE TATTOO - AH. I really want a tattoo, but I feel like I might steer away from the cartoon snake for my own one :p

Albuss and Lyss are seriously so cute I'm in love with their relationship. Aw. I feel like it's so dangerous that they can just slide open their windows though oh my god what about burglars?

Caine is my brother. He really really is. All they ever do is play their videogames super loud! UGh..

Please please DO update soon because this is a super amazing WIP that I adore.

:)

xo

Author's Response: Hey Jess!

I know I was so excited writing this one. This was actually at the top of my update list as it was already pre written, so don't worry too much :p Perfect timing I think.

I KNOW RIGHT, TALK ABOUT AWKWARD! HA!

I just had to put that it there, Albus' cartoon snake it was just too cute/funny not too. Plus I thought it fitted in with the fact there was the rumour about Harry getting a Hungarian Horntail :p I would too, since I'm a Gryffindor :D

Writing them, my mind just turns mushy because of the fluff! Ahh don't you worry, they do lock it afterwards and I've changed it slightly now about it. With Chloe being there most of the time, it was easy for her to leave it open for Alyssa. It was just that night she left it unlatched and a teeny bit open, but I get your worry. Plus, protection spells, magic after all :p

Caine, I think he is honestly probably the same as about 50% of the teenage boy population, lol.

Hehe, I'm updating UP first as it's been forever then probably Off-Limits before this as Chapter 11 is still in the works.

Thanks again Jess, see you again soon *hugs*

-Potterfan310


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Review #3, by ohmymerlin Wedding Planning, Lies And Spending Way Too Much Time With Potter

25th September 2014:
Hey, Sophie! So sorry about the crazy delay in this! I honestly didn't think I would take nearly three months to get back to you :(

Okay, first of all I honestly think Chloe is being extremely selfish. I understand she wants to get married but there are so many things wrong with that. She's way too young -- school relationships are a lot different to real world relationships and she won't understand the difference until she's out of school and then it'll just be too late. The second reason is that a wedding and a marriage is not only a celebration of two people in love but of two families joining together and hiding this all from her family is absolutely ridiculous. I don't care what Chloe's reasons are, I do not agree or approve of them! :P Mumma Kayla wants to set this girl straight and give her a stern talking to! I'm literally so angry at her hahaha so kudos for writing such a believable character! :D

Okay, so you asked if the interaction between Al and Alyssa seems real. Honestly, I think it's a bit too casual but I've never really been in that position. I mean, I've had people who I haven't talked to in ages but we'd never purposely ignored each other so when we got together it was like nothing had ever changed. But I think you've written it rather well. And even if it's not completely realistic (because honestly if I was Alyssa I'd be a little annoyed and not so willing to talk to him, but that's because I'm a grump haha) everyone still loves it :D

I do like those little reactions Alyssa gets when she's around Al. I think we all get like that around our crush (especially a topless one!) and I think you wrote that very well! :)

However, I did notice a few sentences that sounded a bit odd and could probably be reworded a bit more nicely:

Stretching I made a non human noise as I felt my back click, which made Albus who had just come back, look at me like I had grown a third arm or something.

Maybe try: I groaned as I stretched. Al gave me a look as if I'd grown an extra head as he heard my back click.
This probably could still use some tweaking but see how it just sounds just a little nicer?

I was pretty sure Albus was so close I could feel him breathing, correction I could hear him breathing. Like my own it was fast.

We were so close together that I could hear him breathing.
See how it just flows just a little better? I didn't know how to add the fast breathing part because every way I worded it made it sound like they were panting from running a race or something :P I just think the 'like my own it was fast' sounds a bit odd.

Albus Potter was kissing me with tongues and I was kissing him back in the same way.

Albus Potter was kissing me deeply and I reciprocated.
Now, this may be a personal thing but when I saw the 'kissing with tongues' part it made me wrinkle my nose because it gave me an image of a slobbery gross kiss you see drunk people do in the middle of a club :P

Okay, so basically I think you're doing SO WELL with this story! I can definitely see so much improvement and I have to say that you've got such an addicting writing style! I can never stay away from it! There's just something about the way you write ;)

So again, so sorry about the delay! I didn't realise it'd nearly been three months :S Hopefully next time won't be like that!

Feel free to request again! It seems that I have a LOT of catching up to do!!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hey Kayla!

Ahh that's okay. I honestly forgot until you reminded me on the forums :p

Chloe, of Chloe. She is of sorts. Plus as you said she is most definitely too young, not to mention getting permission from her mum, when she wasn't sure what it was. School relationships, oh boy, most of them don't last but some do, depending on how this goes you'll find out eventually whether Chloe and Lorcan will be that small percentage who stays together. Haha, you can set her straight, though she might not listen!! But I agree definitely about the marriage bit :D Haha thank you.

Al and Alyssa, ha they're fun to write what with being awkward. Same here, it's a bit weird but as far as those two are concerned nothing about their friend/relationship is normal. Haha, deep down she is annoyed but secretly she isn't that annoyed :p

Those moment are my favourite to write. Their little moments ♥ And topless boys, need I say more :p

Oh those two get drunk together at some point ;) but I totally see what you mean with each little thing!!

Thank you!! You're partly to thank for some things, so thank you again ♥ :D Ahh it's perfectly okay.

-Sophie :D


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Review #4, by aroundabouts Realisations, Talks And Chocolate Biscuits

25th September 2014:
Please update faster. This story is so good already.

Author's Response: Hey,

It's literally just been updated so it may be a while. I'm working on the next chapter though.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!!

-Potterfan310


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Review #5, by i love prongs Fights, Exploding Mothers And A Confession

10th September 2014:
Love love love this story and am so glad Albus finally made his move. More Al and lyss next chapter please!
When will you be updating? Soon I hope x

Author's Response: Hi!

Aww thank you, I'm glad you love it. I know it was definitely time for Al to announce things. There is more of them in the next chapter, coming soon as it's in the queue now!

Thanks for reading and reviewing.

-Potterfan310


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Review #6, by jessicalorewrites Fights, Exploding Mothers And A Confession

31st August 2014:
Ahhh how did I miss this new chapter?!?!

Wow, I can't believe their mum knows now. Somehow I expected it to play out longer but I'm glad she found out sooner rather than later :) also can we squeal about the fact Michael is gay?!? That's been a head canon of mine since forever hahaa. I love seeing him and Kevin here!

OH MY GOSH. ALBUS THOUGH. KILL ME NOW BECAUSE THIS BOY IS PERFECT. NEVER MIND ALYSSA, HAVE ME INSTEAD PLEASE AL.

Ultimate cute date. I'm so relieved it finally happened yay! And that they had such a good time ;) wink wink nudge nudge.

I can't possibly wait for more D: I NEED IT ALL NOW!

Well done because this chapter is as amazing as the others!

xo

Author's Response: Hey Jess!

I wanted it to be over by the time Chloe went back to Hogwarts which was pretty soon. Haha, I love the idea of him being gay, it's one of my headcanon too! But he and Kevin are great to write and Lyss is pretty close with them both too. That's sort of how I came up with this in a way too, as I wanted her mother to be the sister of someone who was already in the books but we didn't know too much about.

Albus, Oh Albus. He's a cutie, that's for sure! I adore writing him and Alyssa together so much :D

That boy knows what he's doing for sure. Plus he wanted to wow Lyss after her terrible dates that he mother set her up with. Ayli is pretty much the inner fan girl of you :p since she is so glad that the date is actually happening too. Oh they certainly did have a good time XD

Hehe, Chapter 10 is done and I'll probably put it in the queue soon. Chapter 11 is about 30% done too.

Thanks for reading and reviewing as always ♥

-Potterfan310
Soph ♥


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Review #7, by laurenenoonan Bridesmaids, Best Men And Sober Kisses

9th August 2014:
I love this storey sooo much and am really looking toward to the next update - I need my Albus and Alyssa fix :)

Author's Response: Heyy,

Good news as soon as the queue re-opens I shall be putting chapter nine in it :D

So it should be up any time after the 16th.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

-Potterfan310


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Review #8, by jessicalorewrites Bridesmaids, Best Men And Sober Kisses

11th July 2014:
Howdy for the last time today!

I know I've said this a lot, but this chapter was actually the cutest thing I've EVER READ. Seriously. The wedding scene and all the prep leading up to it was just adorably sweet. The descriptive language you used made it easy for me to picture in my head. I'm just so so glad it all went off without a hitch!

Albus and Alyssa seem to really be shaping up. I do hope they become a couple soon, especially with Albus basically blurting out his feelings for her all along. She's completely oblivious to him ;) hehehe. Again, I would love to see a good, lengthy conversation between them just to get the dynamic between them established a little better, but they are so cute together regardless!:)

GIMME AN UPDATE NOW (okay no, take your time lovely :p)

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Hey again!

I had so much worry for this chapter, so thank you!!! I am so glad it works okay. BUT YES IT IS SO CUTE! I genuinely thought there was too much but now I'm glad it works perfectly. I had this vision in my head as I was writing this so I am super happy it came out well. No hitches so far at least.

Thinks are definitely shaping/heating up between them. And I think the line that Lyss thinks when she's watching Chloe and Lorcan take their first dance sort of sums her and Al up. By saying she needs a boy who looks at her like that, when in reality she does but she hasn't realised it. Oh yes, Albus did confess slightly and yes Lyssa is completely oblivious which I love :D

Haha, No promises but I'm going through and doing edits on UP and ARR then probably this, so they'll probably get updates first. But I am now in the mood to write more of this, so wait and see :p

Thank you so much dear for all the reviews and for the House Cup, Go Lions!! :p

-Potterfan310
Soph x



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Review #9, by jessicalorewrites Wedding Planning, Lies And Spending Way Too Much Time With Potter

11th July 2014:
Hullo :3

Yet another fab chapter! A few too many characters again for my liking but they all seemed necessary so I don't really have much to complain about. I'm still not over the fact Chloe and Lorcan are getting married :o but it was so so sweet how they asked Lyss and Lysander to be best man/chief bridesmaid!!

I personally feel like there could be more talking between Albus and Alyssa. They do an awful lot of kissing for just friends and they don't seem to address this issue at all ;) clearly they both have feelings for each other!

Just a few grammatical errors I noticed. In the bit "Chloe looked smug as she explained," it should end with a full stop instead of a comma. Also, "venue's" doesn't need an apostrophe. Only small minor things don't worry :)

Overall, still amazing!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Howdy!

I love that bit since it was perfect as they were all together. I know and the fact Chloe announced it would be in six days!! Is it any wonder Alyssa freaked out.

Oh yes, they have done a lot more kissing that talking so far. But it may change. They're both confused right now, well Alyssa more than Al because she's getting all these feelings whilst Al has had them all along (but shhh!) Alyssa definitely doesn't want to own up to anything right now, feelings wise. But yes they do! :D

I have yet to edit this, but thanks for pointing it out! Thanks again!!

-Soph x


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Review #10, by jessicalorewrites Helping Sisters, Weird Boyfriends And A Major Secret

11th July 2014:
Hey

Woah, Lorcan and Chloe are getting married?!?! At first I thought that was a super strange muggle studies project but literally about a line before you dropped the bombshell I'd figured it out. I can't believe it, woah. I'm really not surprised Luna and Rolf agreed to let Lorcan though -- they seem like very liberated parents!

Forgive me for being wrong, but I would personally presume that since the legal age in the wizarding world is 17 that this would then reduce the age of marriage consent to 17 too, rather than the 18 it is in the uk. Or maybe the wizarding world wanted to keep it at 18 anyway -- I guess ages don't always match up!

Overall a really cute chapter. Particularly with the Alyssa/Al meetup ;) I don't understand why this doesn't have more reviews because it is really really good!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Yoo Hoo!

I sort of got the idea about Chloe's project as I had to do something similar for my course to get an OCN (which was pointless I might add). But unlike Chloe I don't have a wedding file :p

Haha, I know. I was building it up with her and the wedding project she had to do as homework then Bang she drops the bombshell on Alyssa. I definitely see Luna and Rolf as free spirits, almost hippy like. Especially when it comes to love.

Legal age in the wizarding world is 17, yes! But since they are getting married in the muggle world I kept it at 18. Plus it adds for drama to come with her mother and getting Lyssa to help her.

Oh yes, lots of Al/Alyssa action going on, both of them in just towels too at one point ;)

Aww thanks again m'dear!! :D



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Review #11, by jessicalorewrites Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

11th July 2014:
Hello once more :3

I'm still loving the leading two characters in this fic. Your characterisation of Al in particular is amazing. He seems quiet and kind of reserved but maybe that's just because him and Alyssa still aren't back to their old pace of friendship that they had when they were kids. I know they've said they're going to be friends now but it will still take some time to get comfortable with each other, I presume.

I'm surprised Lyss doesn't remember Ayli's birthday but then again, maybe not, because she was pretty drunk :P I know if I'd spent a night in the stars with Albus Potter I wouldn't be forgetting it so easily.

The last bit really made me giggle. I share a room with my sister but thankfully she's quite a bit younger than me so she isn't bringing any guys home :P I hope we get to see more of Lorcan soon -- other than a flash of his bum!!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Hola!

I LOVE writing Al, he is one my favourite next-gen kids and I adore him a hundred per cent. He is quite quiet in this, but as you said he and Lyss aren't back to what they were like seven/eight years ago. They are friends for now but it will take time, if there is going to be a relationship.

She was pretty drunk indeed! :p But she does remember some bits such as Al's smile, his eyes and that they said they would be friends. Oh I don't think I would either! No forgetting that in a hurry.

HA! Oh yes you will see more of Lorcan :p and Chloe since their relationship is fun to write. I'm lucky I don't have to deal with that :)

Thanks again!

-Soph x


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Review #12, by jessicalorewrites Ayli's Birthday, Making Friends And Drunken Kisses

11th July 2014:
HI!

I'M SUPER EXCITED BECAUSE THEY KISSED AND SLEPT NEXT TO EACH OTHER AND IT IS SO ADORABLY CUTE I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

I thought you might've tricked us all with the chapter title and that it'd be a drunken kiss between someone else so I am so so happy to discover that this was not the case and there was some Alyssa/Al action to make my inner girl squeal to no end. I'm a little confused about Albus' sexuality now... he said he's not "supposed" to like girls and yet he obviously appears to like Lyss. I guess he's just working all this out for himself :)

Them sleeping under the stars together though is just the cutest thing ever. I want my very own Albus Potter so I can sleep with him outside :(

Can I also just comment and say that I love how you give your characters siblings? It's always something that I not in fanfiction, but a lot of writers don't really give their characters any brothers or sisters - or if they do, it's only the 1. Actually it's not just fanfic -- this is true of most literature! I know the average amount of children for most families is 2.4 but coming from a person with 10 siblings/half-siblings, I appreciate larger family representation :P

Overall, another fab chapter!! The plot is moving forward happily and I'm just eager to see what happens next.

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Hey,

HAHA, YES I KNOW. LOOK HOW CUTE AND ADORABLE THEY ARE!!

Hehe, that would have been evil if it was some random person. But no it is most definitely Albus! HA! Oh my god, I didn't realise it before that it does make him sound a little gay. But nope Al is definitely straight. When he said it, it was just meant in the way that boys say I don't like girls' when they're younger because they think we have germs or something :p

Albus is a cutie, and yes it is the most adorable thing a boy could do. Sleeping under the stars all snuggled up together, just perfect.

I only have two (older siblings) so I was always wishing for a younger one when I was little, but I had enough little cousins (as the years went on) all younger than me to make up for it. I definitely have a thing for writing larger families or OC's with lots of siblings because I know I would hate being an only child and I actually want a large family when the times comes, so I think that influences me writing it that way. But man 10!! A girl I once knew had 15/16 half/full siblings!

Thank you dear, this chapter didn't agree with me so I'm glad you like it. Thanks for reading and reviewing!!

-Soph x


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Review #13, by jessicalorewrites Birthday Planning, Summer And Topless Boys

11th July 2014:
Hello again!

SQUEE. ALBUS AND LYSS ARE TOO CUTE!! I know they have a long way to go yet before a relationship can be put on the table but I think when it does (hopefully) happen they are going to be so adorable together.

If I'm completely honest this chapter was a little too busy for my taste however you did handle the amount of characters quite well. I felt like maybe not all of them were necessary bearing in mind some had barely any input, but my presumption is that this is mostly an introduction to them and we'll get to read more about them later :)

Ayli is my favourite (other than Al/Alyssa) at the moment. She seems very creative and open-minded and her mum's shop seems like the best thing ever. I wish I could draw like she seems to be able to do :(

About to go on and read the next chapter and by the look of the chapter title I am VERY EXCITED!

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Heya,

Albus and Alyssa I KNOW!! They are and I love writing them because of that. They sure do have a long way to go right now but they shall be even more adorable if they get together.

I HATE introducing new characters and since they play more of a part later in the story I didn't want to throw them in then. Which is why I thought them in the birthday planning bit was better. It is bust and I do think its a bit all over the place.

Ayli is sure fun to write, she's got that craziness but also kindness and loving side to her as well as her being so creative. I wanted a different job for them since mostly you see Healers, Auror's etc but since they haven't been out of school that long it didn't seem right for them to go into such big carers.

Be excited for the next one! Haha :p
Thanks again!

-Soph x


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Review #14, by jessicalorewrites Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

11th July 2014:
Hello again!

This chapter was another delight and is certainly developing well. Again, it made me giggle at the best of times and then also grimace when Terry the Creep started being - well - creepy. Where are that man's manners?! To leer and stare at Alyssa like that... it's just plain weird. I do hope she'll speak to her mother and won't be off on anymore dates with him!

In a way though, I think it was worth it just to be saved by Albus Potter ;) *swoons* at first I thought maybe Chloe HAD sent him but then, as Lyss says, she can tell he is lying. Which just makes the whole affair even sweeter, in a way.

There was just one sentence that I thought kind of interrupted the flow a little bit, which was "he was already there, looking up and down the street like a hawk looking for its prey." If you changed one of the looks to something like searching then it would make the whole thing run a little smoother :)

Overall another excellent read! Eeek

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Hi again!

Terry the Creep is a huge creep, obviously. He earned the nickname a lot more than Awful Terry. Where are they indeed! He doesn't have a clue honestly. There are definitely some werido's out there in the world. Lyss definitely has words with her mother.

Yes, Albus Potter is just perfect and I adore him. Ahh there is a an explanation about this in later chapters about whether Chloe has sent him, but of course Al is lying so who knows. Al is a sweetie!

Ooh thank you! It does sound better, when I get around to editing, I shall change it :D

Thanks again!

-Soph x



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Review #15, by jessicalorewrites Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

11th July 2014:
Hey!

I've been wanting to read this for a while so I'm taking the opportunity of the HC to do so now :) the summary grabbed me instantly but it's always just been a matter of finding the time. Now that I'm here, I can't wait to read!!

Who knows why, but I was expecting this to be a Hogwarts fic. I'm surprised - but happy - to discover it is not! I don't really read many stories with the main character at about 19/20 so this is practically a first, but if I'm honest it's probably one of my favourite ages to read (though I don't do it often). Al and Lyss being next-door neighbours is a really cute idea that I think has lots of potential for fluffy moments. And bearing in mind their mothers are friends, I sense a lot of interference later on in the story ;)

This first chapter is also incredibly funny! I actually laughed out loud twice I think which is unusual because I usually do it internally when reading :P the line that really got me was "I always wondered where Voldemort left his spawn" hehehe.

Overall this has been thoroughly enjoyable -- I can't wait to read on and find out more about Alyssa :)

xo

{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: HEY!

Ooh I'm glad you're here, I think I had the same idea for your story 'Collision' but the HC ended before I reviewed so they wouldn't have counted but ahh well.

I was at first thinking having it be at Hogwarts but then I changed my mind, there aren't enough stories of those who are just out of Hogwarts, trying to find their feet and their way in the world. Oh yes, being next door neighbours adds a lot of fun and fluff through out the story. As for their mum's, boy are they influential and there is part much later in the story (since everything is already planned out) that shows this. :)

I love writing Alyssa since she is different to my other OC's and there are bits of her a lot like me, but there are parts which aren't and I loved extended on those parts. Alyssa and Caine are most definitely like me and my brothers although mine are older rather than younger, it's the same sort of banter. Especially the bit about him being extra noisy when she was hungover, I've done than before :p

Than line has to be one of my favourite's as well, it was originally going to be 'Satan' but I changed it to Voldemort since it seemed more insulting :p

Thank you Jess!!

-Potterfan310
Soph x


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Review #16, by carellio Bridesmaids, Best Men And Sober Kisses

4th June 2014:
I absolutely adore this story. Its written really well, and I love all the characters!
Please update soon!

Author's Response: Hi

Aww thank you so much. The next chapter is in the works but it's giving me a little bit of bother so who knows when I'll put it up. But I'd say around a week maybe.

-Potterfan310


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Review #17, by Akussa Birthday Planning, Summer And Topless Boys

20th May 2014:
Hello again!

I'm back for yet another review. I felt very surprised by the time that seems to have past since last chapter. Is it a couple days? Weeks? It's very strange how I cannot pinpoint this and it tickles me!!!

That friend is way too much into her birthday! Her friends are good to put up with it :D Once again I felt like there were way too many characters that weren't necessary to the scene (Briana, Dominique and even Caleb didn't bring much to the scene and could have been left out in order to put more of an emphasis on the other characters). That being said, the interaction with the Potter boys really made me laugh. It's so typical fo boys to show off their muscles when they work outside...

Two little things I noticed through my read that I want to share with you. I want to reming you that they are my opinions and therefor, you should be the one to decide wether you change it or not!!!
Regarding the very last sentence of this chapter, I know it's a weird comment but I don't feel like it works. I mean technically, she hasn't got herself into anything yet. Something more along the lines of "what is happening to me?" would be more appropriate for the situation, I think.

"...Rose came up with sensible ideas as she's the sensible one..."; it's kind of redundant

A good chapter overall, I like how Alyssa is developing and I very much like Albus. Do they make a good fit? Not so far in my mind so it'll be interesting to see how you will make it all work out!

Author's Response: Hi again!

Haha, it isn't that long actually. The second chapter is set on 16th July and this one is set 25th July, so nine days since her terrible date with Terry the Creep. And if it tickles you about the first chapter, well that's set 8th July. Most of the chapters are set within days/weeks of each other.

Ayli is crazy that's for sure and way into her birthday. The only reason I see her like this is because she didn't have such a good 16th or 18th birthdays (As they're the big important ones) and wanted to make up for it for her 19th. They probably were too many once again but I wanted them introduced before the next chapter (which is Ayli's birthday party) and to set up their dynamics as friends too.
Being neighbours with the Potter boys certainly has some perks :p

At the moment they aren't a good fit, Alyssa is still stuck in her past seeing him as the boy next door whilst Albus obviously has other feelings (Which haven't yet come out).

Reading back over, you're right because as you said she isn't technically into any thng yet.

Thanks again for pointing that out, it's been changed slightly and is in the queue again. Thanks for reading and reviewing too.

-Potterfan310


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Review #18, by Akussa Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

19th May 2014:
Hi again!

Another good chapter, I kile how this story is developing. Terry the creep is really horrible. I'd hate to go on a date with a guy like that. Ok, I HATED going on a date with a guy like that because I already did... Poor Alyssa, plus it's a date arranged by her mother... erg.

Chloe is rather amusing. And Albus is quite the knight in shinning armour. Alyssa will realise it soon enough alrough she seems rather blind to everything regarding him. Stuck in the past and unable to see what is in front of her.

I noticed a couple little errors, mostly missing words like in this sentence :

"...In most cases I would pleased..."

Overall a good chapter, and a story that is developping well.

Author's Response: Hey!

Terry certainly earned the nickname Alyssa gave him. He is horrible! I would hate so too. Oh dear, I hope it ended well with a knight coming to rescue you :) It can't be easy having your mother arrange awful dates, like the creeps she sets Lyss up with. No wonder their relationship is a little rocky at times.

Chloe is one of favourite characters in this to write, mainly because it amuses her that her mother is disapproving of her boyfriend, when she's trying to get Alyssa (Whose nearly a year and a bit older) one. Her and Alyssa's relationships is fun to write as well!

She eventually does realise, but as you said for now she is blind to what he does. Alyssa still thinks of him as the little boy next door who she used to play with. She doesn't see him as the teenage boy that he is. Definitely 100% right!

Thanks again for pointing that out, it's now edited and in the queue again. Thanks for reading and reviewing as well.

-Potterfan310


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Review #19, by Akussa Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

16th May 2014:
Hello! I'm here for the Gryffie review exchange!

This is an interesting opening chapter. I like the narative and the way it happens through action (mostly). So far though, I feel very overwhelmed. There are so many characters. Alyssa is interesting and all but she is way too surrounded for my tired mind right now! I had to re-read some parts because I had no idea who was in the scene and who wasn't... There are a bunch of little characters that probably are important to the story at some point but aren't essential to the opening chapter (Katrin, Caine, Carrie, Shaun...). That's my opinion though, you aren't obligated to listen to me :D

I noticed a couple little things grammar or rather typo wise :

"...I muttered knowing that I didn't mean it, as I looking through the cupboards for paracetamol..."; 'looking' should be 'looked'

"... keeps setting me up on dates with weirdo's..."; the appostrophe after 'weirdo' isn't needed

"..."Is it okay if get Hayden's carseat?"..."; who's getting the carseat? 'I' 'we'?


There were a couple other things but these were the major ones I noted. It's got potential so far and I'll be interested in knowing how these characters develop. Albus seems like a good guy and I think their mums will be pretty happy about all of this turn out!!!

Good beginning, keep it up!

Akussa

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you! Introducing characters is the bane of my life, I hate it. I think I either introduce a few or way too many, so you're probably right about it being confusing. Alyssa has a very busy home life with all her siblings. Thank you for pointing those out, they're all edited and it's now back in the queue :)

Albus is a good guy despite Alyssa's thoughts/opinion and their mums will be happy in the end, for certain reasons as well.

Thanks for reading, reviewing and the tips.
-Potterfan310


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Review #20, by ohmymerlin Helping Sisters, Weird Boyfriends And A Major Secret

2nd May 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm so sorry for the crazy delay all of a sudden I realised I had uni assignments and they just plonked their way through HPFF D':

Technically I should still be doing the assignments but meh. I need a break, hehe :p

Okay, so first of all you have improved so much! I can see that you're taking the advice you get and your writing is just getting better and better! This might sound mum-like but I'm so proud of how much you've improved! Your writing was always good but now it's just got that extra good quality that everyone always appreciates! :D

However, I did notice a few mistakes but they were significantly less and they aren't the same mistakes, which is just brilliant!

For me that was easy peasey, for some of the others not so much.

For me that was easy peasy, unlike some of the others.

Peasy isn't actually word but when I looked it up on Google it said that was how you spelt it. But that's not really even a major deal, it's just something I prefer to spell my way :p I also felt the wording was a bit clunky so I changed it a little bit. Feel free to change it back!

"Chloe you're seventeen!"

"Chloe, you're seventeen!"

There should just be a comma after Chloe. I can't remember why but I'm sure that's the grammar rule. Unless her name is followed by a verb, then you don't need a comma :)

"They kissed, at Ayli's birthday."

"They kissed at Ayli's birthday."

You don't need a comma after they kissed. Unless you wanted it to be two sentences then it should be: "They kissed. At Ayli's birthday."

I bumped right into a tall guy, who like me had been running.

I bumped right into a tall guy, who had also been running.

This just sounded a bit awkward so I changed it around a bit but if that still sounds awkward to you, feel free to change it! :D

Also, when you wrote joggers I thought you meant shoes (that's what we call them, along with sneakers, trainers, runners and everything in between :p) so I got a bit confused when she then put on her shoes haha :p Although I don't know if that's the whole of Australia though or just my family :p

"Sorry," I replied myself as I took a step back

"Sorry," I replied as I took a step back

I don't think you need the 'myself'. It's very unnecessary and it kinda sounds like she's talking to herself instead of Albus :p

"Can use your bathroom please?"

"Can I use your bathroom please?"

All you did here was forget the 'I' so that's just a typo :)

But seriously, that was all I picked up on! You have improved SO MUCH, Sophie! I already love this story but just fixing those small grammar things make it so much nicer and easier to read :D

Okay, so now I'm going to get the fangirly part of my review, haha!

OMG CHLOE, YOU'RE SEVENTEEN WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!?!!??!?!

Is it honestly that bad to wait a few extra months or years?! It makes me feel old wanting to snap at her, "Listen to your mother, you're still a child for Pete's sake!"

(You know you're old when you start agreeing with parents in books, movies, TV shows etc.)

And aw, Ayssa, climbing into Albus' house in only a towel. I think you subconsciously (well, nearly consciously seeing as her inner thoughts at ice cream were very aware of what she wanted) WANT Albus to see you in less than a towel, hehehe ;)

And omg I actually laughed when Albus said his remark about wearing the same thing. That was brilliant! :p

Anyway, Sophie, this was a brilliant chapter! You're such a fantastic writer! ♥

Feel free to request again! :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla!

It's fine, I totally understand. I think I have a pile of assignments to get on with, but I'm replying rather than doing them. Oops. We all need a break sometimes!

I honestly think that you have given me better advice than my English teachers ever did when I was at school. You've got a career there :p

Thank you so much! Sound mum-like as much as you want :p From the tips I've been editing (and hoping to edit) a bunch of my other stories as well to make them better.

It does look better without the 'e'.

Ahh I missed that one, I thought I got all off them when I edited but clearly not. Whatever the rule is, it's been a huge help so thank you for pointing it out!

Haha, joggers/jogging bottoms are pretty much trackie/tracksuit bottoms but are made from a different material if that makes sense. I didn't want to say tackie bottoms because it sounded a bit chavy and for whatever reason I associate tackie bottoms/tracksuits with chavs which is probably a bit sterotype of me :p

Hehe, thank you!! You're too kind :D

She certainly is thinking crazy right now! Just like Alyssa said she should wait the months before her 18th or even a few years. Yes! That's one hundred per cent true, either that or when you say something and realise you sound exactly like your mother :p

Her inner thoughts are very aware, but will she follow her head or her heart?

It had to be done :p It worked to break the tension between them too.

And you are too! ♥

Thanks so much :D
-Sophie xx


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Review #21, by newgenerationlover Wedding Planning, Lies And Spending Way Too Much Time With Potter

9th April 2014:
Love it! Can't wait to keep reading!

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much, I'm glad you love it. Thanks for reading and reviewing, it means a lot. *hugs*

-Potterfan310 x


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Review #22, by ohmymerlin Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

12th March 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I've finally caught up - YAY!

Ooh! Al and Lyss are slowly progressing through a relationship - how sweet! However, I did notice a few errors that pulled me out of the story slightly. They're nothing major, but it just distracted me from the plot because I was focusing on the errors instead.

"Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint, "That's two-ninety." I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.

This should be: "Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint. "That's two-ninety," I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.

The first part of that sentence is right, but after the word pint should be a full-stop and not a comma, and after the word ninety it should be a comma instead of a full stop.

Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar, "You okay?" I asked making him look up.

This should be: Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar. "You okay?" I asked making him look up.

Again, there should be a full stop instead of a comma. If you have the speaking verb (oh god this is terrible wording, it's so ironic I apologise) after the actual dialogue, then you won't need a comma before the dialogue. And if the words before the dialogue aren't speaking verbs - as I put it so badly previously - then you don't need to put a comma before the dialogue.

I don't know if that makes any sense, my brain isn't doing great today!

I nodded sympathetically, "I know how you feel mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."

This should be: I nodded sympathetically. "I know how you feel. Mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."

I changed the comma to a full stop, and I added a full stop after the word feel. You could add one of these bad boys ; in if you'd prefer that instead but it works either way. It makes it flow a lot better. I find that if you actually say the dialogue out loud, or even the whole story, it helps smooth out the tiny errors.

Albus nodded as he held his glass up, "Here's to mother's who just won't listen," Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."

This should be: Albus nodded as he held his glass up. "Here's to mothers who just won't listen." Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."

I changed the comma again, and I also got rid of the apostrophe in mothers. It would have needed an apostrophe if you followed with an item of the mother. E.g. "Don't touch my mother's glass of wine, she may hex you." but when generalising mothers, you don't need an apostrophe :)

Well he said he'd like another date if your up for it.

You've just typed the wrong 'you're' in this sentence :)

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," Lorcan laughed as did Chloe, "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning." Lorcan laughed as did Chloe. "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."

I just put full stops before and after the 'Lorcan laughed as did Chloe' (you might want to change that a bit too, maybe try 'Lorcan and Chloe both laughed/Lorcan laughed at the same time as Chloe - it makes it flow a bit better) as having the 'Lorcan laughed' implies that Lorcan said that bit of the dialogue, not Lyss. But if Lyss laughed and you wrote it as:

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," I laughed

then that would be correct! I think. I tend not to do it but so many authors do it, I think it's honestly just a matter of personal preference :)

Okay, so I noticed you tend to make quite a few of the same mistakes. A comma only needs to be placed within the speech if it's followed by 'he/she/they said' (and other synonyms for said). It ends with a full stop if it isn't followed by a 'he/she/they said'.

And a comma should only be at the start if the start is 'he/she/they said'. If that doesn't make sense, let me give you an example:

Ted said, "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."

Ted was struggling to move the table. "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."

Do you see the difference? It's not even that big of a deal but I'm really weird about my commas and punctuation, I really love it and I get really nit-picky about it, haha!

Okay, so the plot! The plot seems to be progressing really nicely! Why did Lyss freak out though? She should have just kept going at it and then she could have a super sexy boyfriend!

Characterisation: I think you're doing great on characterisation! I haven't had any issues with that so far, you're definitely good at that!

Al still seems like an enigma. I'm really curious as to what's going under that noggin. He just seems super private and/or quiet, and I really just want him to open up more!

Anywho, this was a wonderful chapter, Sophie! I'm really enjoying reading this story!

This story is super intriguing and I can't wait until the next chapter comes along! I just need to know what's going to happen with Albus and Alyssa!

That's another thing you're awesome at! You have this knack for getting people to come back to your stories. I don't know how you do it but I keep checking your stories to see if any of them have updated (yes, I read a lot of your stories but I suck and never review but I'm planning on changing that ASAP!)

Anywho, feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

(And congrats, I think this is the longest review I've ever written - YAY! :p)

Author's Response: Kayla!

I've finally gotten around to answering.

Al and Alyssa action, yes!

I've gotten around to sorting these out on my draft, so I just need to edit on here.

I have to say you've probably taught me more than my English teacher(s) ever did :p Career choice for you there! Haha. I've certainly picked up on things and now I'm trying to edit my other stories as well with my new found wisdom, thanks to you :D So massive thanks *hugs*

Yep, the difference is newly noted and will become my new rule when writing. Nit-picky is great!

Ha! She totally should have, but Lyss thinks it's ever so weird that there is kissing involved between them considering they used to play together as children and grew up together. I think a super sexy boyfriend called Albus Potter is enough to make anyone happy.

Ahh thank you!

Al is a bit of an enigma and hopefully there will be more of his feelings/his brain activity unleashed in up coming chapters, maybe even a bit in his POV. Al is a quiet person in general as well so it doesn't help matters either.

I've been meaning to put up Chapter 5 but haven't got around to it, it's on my (very long and never ending) to-do-list so it should be up soon, hopefully. Hehe, I could tell you spoilers but where's the fun in that :p

Aww you're too kind! *hugs* I'm terrible like that as well, I always end up forgetting to review if it's been a while and I haven't reviewed the first lot of chapters and then I'm on like number 13 or something. Look forward to hearing from you again :)

-Potterfan310
Soph xx

(Longest review ever, you deserve a medal!)


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Review #23, by ohmymerlin Ayli's Birthday, Making Friends And Drunken Kisses

18th February 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm here from my review thread! Firstly, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY KISSED THEY KISSED THEY KISSED!

CUTIE PIES!

WE FINALLY HAVE SOME ACTION! :'D But they agreed to be friends? Shouldn't they agree to be more than friends? *waggles eyebrows up and down like that old Cadbury ad*

... Unless you guys didn't have that ad and it was some weird Australian thing. If not, just ignore me, ahaha :p

Also, I loved the hummer part. I've been in one hummer and one Chrysler limo before and both of them had all that stuff you mentioned, and it's so much fun! I honestly wanted to just ride around in there all night but we had functions to attend, ahaha! So yeah, props for accuracy! :D

*coughs* Now that the fangirl part of my review is over, I'll comment on your grammar/spelling.

I caught a fair few errors, sorry I'm really nit-picky. I am really weird about these things, please don't hate me! D:

"Yeah the baby of the group has finally caught up with us oldies." Rose chimed in.

This should have a comma at the end instead of a full stop like so:

"Yeah the baby of the group has finally caught up with us oldies," Rose chimed in.

...and then drank it in one, "You all ready?" She asked as she smoothed...

This should have a full stop at the end of the 'one', and a lower case s on the 'she'. Here's what I mean:

...and then drank it in one. "You all ready?" she asked as she smoothed...

"Have fun girls," Her mum called smiling at us all as she came out armed with a camera, "You all look beautiful!"

Should be:

"Have fun girls," her mum called smiling at us all as she came out armed with a camera. "You all look beautiful!"

It just flows a lot better with the full stop at the end of camera.

...heard Seamus say, "And no boys." in the background... should be:

...heard Seamus say, "And no boys," in the background...

I made that a comma because the 'in' was a part of the sentence. Honestly, I don't know if that's grammatically correct because that still confuses me but I think it is right. If not, just ignore me, ahaha, because I generally do that because I like the way it looks, hehe :p

"Happy birthday Ayli!" He called, "Surprise."

This should be:

"Happy birthday, Ayli!" he called. "Surprise."

A comma needs to always go before someone's name (there are some exceptions but I can't think of any currently) and again the 'he' should be in lower case.

"Amazing." Dom muttered in awe

"Amazing," Dom muttered in awe

"I love you all." Ayli replied.

"I love you all," Ayli replied.

"Pass the bubbly." He said into my ear

"Pass the bubbly," he said into my ear

Again, all these should have commas after the last word instead of a full stop. And on the last one the h from he should be in lower case.

The red hed she had been dancing earlier helped us across the VIP area and out through the club.

You've misspelt 'head' and forgotten the word 'with' between dancing and earlier. :p

We eventualy arrived back on my street

'Eventually' is misspelt here but it's most likely a typo since I did the exact same thing retyping it out, ahaha!

I climbed inot my bed and settled down.

This is just a small typo of 'into' but that's probably a result of typing too fast, ahaha! I think that's the reason for most typos nowadays! :p

Also, this sentence: Laughing I waved goodbye to him as Caleb span me around in his arms and took me dance.

Instead of dance, you should have 'dancing'. Or you could have written 'took me to dance' but personally I think dancing suits better. :)

Overall with your grammar, I've noticed you tend to repeat the same mistakes. You often put a full stop where there should be a comma and have the 'he/she/they said' in capitals when it should (usually) be lower cased. I don't know if that's a term but I had no idea how to put it, ahaha!

You also asked about characterisation. I think it's great so far! I haven't had any problems with it so I don't think you need to worry about that!

Next up, plot! The plot seems to be progressing very nicely. We're slowly getting some action from Al and Alyssa so that's definitely good! :D

So yeah, I don't really have much to say anymore except that OH MY GOD THEY KISSED.

Still not over it, ahaha! :p

Anyway, this was a great chapter! Sorry if I came across as a bit harsh or condescending about the errors, I honestly don't intend it that way. :/

And oh my god, sorry about the length of this! o.o

This is what happens when you write one sentence per line instead of clumping them together in paragraphs, ahaha! :p

Feel free to request again! :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hey Kayla!

Super sorry I'm late replying, my internet has been messed up as well as being busy.

THEY KISSED AND EVEN I CANNOT BELIEVE IT :D

They've agree to be Friends? For now maybe ;) Hehe yes! We did have that advert along with the gorilla one :p It must have been a weird UK thing as well then. As for more than friends? Wait and see, wait and see ;)

I've been in a limo once so I sort of based it on that and some pictures of Hummers from off online. It's so fun though and I think we would have rode around all night as well :) So much fun but we had places to be :)
Hehe fangirl all you like but grammar/spelling is good.

I've gone over on my saved copy and edited all of those that you've pointed out so THANK YOU. I'm so used to writing things lately that except when I know it's needed all grammar goes out the window and then I go all funny when typing which is a pain for me.

Ahh so long as Alyssa and the others behave themselves that it. Hehe there's more to come but THEY KISSED!! You're in for a lot more in later chapters.

Ahh your seriously a life-saver and definitely not harsh! I've said it before but Thank you, thank you, thank you for your reviews!!! *hugs*

Hehe it's like a whole essay :p

- Sophie xx


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Review #24, by newgenerationlover Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

18th February 2014:
Really like this story, can't wait to keep reading!

Author's Response: Thank you!! I should update soon (I hope)
Thanks for R+R'ing!

-Potterfan310


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Review #25, by MC_HK Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

5th February 2014:
Hello! It's been a while, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything from the previous review!

Areas of concern:
-I see lots of areas that could use commas. They will help in breaking up your sentences a bit, as they are currently very run-on. There are also a few punctuation errors that need to be addressed.

-The characters you have are very good, and I enjoy the personalities you give them. Terry the Creep really was creepy O_O

-The flow was alright, but due to the run-on sentences and punctuation in the wrong areas, it seemed a little monotonous. This can be easily fixed though, don't worry.

Things worth mentioning:
-"...which did a good job of covering up my cleavage which was very much on show." You have 'which' twice in the same sentence, and it sounds really repetitive and the sentence in itself is run-on. When you mention that there is cleavage to be seen, you already imply that it's 'out there'. It's not something that could be subtle. So if you just take out the last part, then the sentence would be better. You also do this same thing with the word 'bit' later on in the chapter, and it might not seem like it but it's something that could make a reader stumble over what they're reading or even drive them off. Repetition is not really favored much (in my opinion.)

-I noticed some minor spelling and grammar mistakes. Like, you use "pray" instead of "prey." There are more, but I'm sure you could comb through carefully to find those. I also noticed a handful of missing words.

-This kind of ties into repetition. There's one point where you say that Terry sees Alyssa and calls her name, then in the next paragraph he is actually calling her name. This is redundant, and you can probably take out the part where you say he calls her name.

-"Terry went for steak with chips, plus a side of chips..." I don't know if you meant to put chips twice, but if you did you might want to add that he ordered an additional side of chips.

-"I had eaten my burger because I was starving and plus eating didn't seem to stop him." Goodness, I noticed how rude I must sound, and I'm so sorry. It's not my intention at all. But I would consider removing this sentence or modifying it, only because they are at dinner and she's meant to eat her food.

-"...A) I was getting cold and B) it would stop..." I would like to mention that this kind of change of format is kind of awkward and unnecessary. Although you're telling it from a first person POV it's passable, but I'm just letting you know that in my opinion, it's a bit awkward. If you took the A) and B) out, then you still have a perfectly good sentence.

-"Memories, isn't it." This is kind of a confusing sentence. I suggest modifying it to be clearer, like, "Memories, for when we're old and grey."

Overall, a good, well-rounded chapter :) I enjoyed it!

--Monica

Author's Response: Hi,

It's fine and sorry I've taken ages to reply.

I think now that I have a beta and I've re-read and most of these have been sorted. I've yet to edit this chapter on here yet.

It's fine honestly and thank you so, so much I'll get around to going over and fixing things!

-Potterfan310
Soph :)


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