Reading Reviews for Merry Christmas
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57 The Winter Air

3rd January 2014:
Hello! Happy Eighth-Day-of-the-Twelve-Days-of-Reviewing!

This was so cute! I loved that Sirius and Eleanor seemed to have a friendly, joking relationship--it's always a nice change from reading about how character A hates character B and things like that. It appears that they are friends, since Eleanor was hanging around with Sirius during the party, but did Sirius have a crush on her before that? He certainly seemed flirty enough, but one can never tell...

My favorite phrase that you used was "tonsil hockey." Hahaha, that's a good way to describe it! :D

I really liked your story! Good luck in the Writer's Duel!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thankyou! It's really great to hear that you enjoyed reading the story! :)

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Review #2, by peppersweet The Winter Air

3rd January 2014:
Hi! Here for day eight of the 12 days of reviewing challenge.

This was a really cute little one-shot! It had a perfect festive setting and I really liked the dynamic between Sirius and Eleanor, especially Sirius’ snark. I loved the bit where he said I’m about as Sirius as they get! - I like to think he uses that joke all the time. The last line was really cute as well, looks like the start of a blossoming relationship for the two.

I did have a few things to comment on in terms of your spelling and grammar, etc, but I notice that writeyourheartout has already left you a really helpful review so I won’t repeat what she’s said. One sentence I do want to bring up, though, is this one: The snow fell ever so lightly, falling delicately on my nose, creating a magical atmosphere. On such a cold night, my breath could be seen condensing in the winter breeze air as my family and I made our way to the big wooden oak doors. Your writing here is pretty evocative of a wintry, magical atmosphere, so you don’t need to clarify it with the words ‘creating a magical atmosphere’. It’s a redundant phrase - we know from all your description of the manor, the snow, etcetera, that there’s a magical atmosphere here. Try to show, not tell.

Good job though, this was a lovely winter warmer of a story! Happy 2014 ♥

Author's Response: I'm really glad this story is getting such a good response, minus all the grammatical problems. I'm really thankful for all those who have taken time out to point out my errors to help me improve as a writer. Your example of how I can show and not tell, will honestly help in he future where I can let the reader read between the lines. Thankyou very much! A happy 2014 right back at you! :)

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Review #3, by writeyourheartout The Winter Air

30th December 2013:
Hello there! I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge that's taking place on the forums, and today you and your story fit the criteria! I've also been meaning to review all of the Writer's Duel entries, so I'm killing two birds with one stone! Yay! ^.^

A very cute story! Very romantic and fluffy and almost fairytale-ish! The setting was beautiful and I'm pretty sure most girls would enjoy finding themselves in a similar scenario as Eleanor!

Speaking of, I liked your OC! I think you have a good grasp on who she is and did a really good job at remaining consistent with her throughout the story. The way her pureblood upbringing affects her life was really interesting to see, and I liked that she didn't seem too stuck in the rules of what's expected of a pureblood woman. I thought Sirius was very in character as well; witty and mischievous and with that casual elegance and arrogance. I thought that he and Eleanor fit well together, playing off one another's sarcasm and both trying hard to seem nonchalant about the other. They were cute together and very fun to read about!

I really enjoyed the way you described the room that Mrs. Potter set up for the party. Some great imagery in there!

"What could have possibly started as an innocent kiss under the mistletoe, had turned into a sordid game of tonsil hockey." - LOL This line made me chuckle. Tonsil hockey. hahaha

Some critiques:

So you switch tenses a lot throughout the story. In fact, the majority of the first half is in present tense, while the majority of the second half is in past tense. Here's a good example: "I coward away, drawing closer to Sirius' side subconsciously (all present tense). I'd bumped (past tense) into him before I could stop myself. I moved (past tense) away slightly, feeling claustrophobic at his touch, as he turned (past tense) around and noticed my small petite figure against his tall, broad one." Because it's sort of evenly distributed throughout the story, you can easily choose to go with one or the other, whichever you prefer, but just make sure that whichever you go with you stay consistent with!

"On such a cold night, my breath could be seen condensing in the winter breeze air as my family and I made our way to the big wooden oak doors." - Really pretty sentence, but when you say 'winter breeze air', I think you only need either breeze or air - both together sounds a little redundant. Same with 'wooden oak doors' - oak is really just a type of wood, so using both words to describe the door is unnecessary.

""Oh Sarah it's good to see you(,)" Mrs Potter greets, kissing my mother affectionately on both cheeks." - You do this pretty consistently throughout the story: forget to put a punctuation mark of some kind at the end of a quote.

""It's good to see you Caroline(,)" My (my, not My) father reply (replies, not reply), similarly kissing both cheeks affectionately."

"... and dimly light (lit, not light)..."

"Already were they (Already there were, not Already were they) couples snogging each other's faces off, as if their lives depended on it."

There are actually quite a lot of little grammatical and spelling errors throughout the otherwise very good story, so I would maybe suggest finding a beta who specializes in grammar/punctuation/spelling - all the technical details, just to help clean it up! It'll take your story to a whole other level, which will be great because it's already so good!

Anyway, overall I enjoyed this very much! Good luck in the Writer's Duel! Happy Holidays!

Author's Response: Oh wow, this is honestly the most helpful review I've come by. I'm really glad you liked the story and that the basis is there. I do plan to go back once to queue reopens and fix all the things. Some I picked up myself, others I noticed from yours and others critics. Thankyou very much for the detailed review, because I'm really keen to grow as a writer. Happy Holidays to you, and a Happy New Year as well! May 2014 bring joy to you and others. :)

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Review #4, by momotwins The Winter Air

25th December 2013:
I feel bad for Eleanor, coming into that party seems really uncomfortable for her with all the drunk people making out. :/ But when they danced - ha, Sirius totally went to dance classes and is embarrassed about it. And the kiss was cute. Nice job, merry Christmas!

Author's Response: Thank you very much! Hope your Christmas was swell and that you have a happy new year! :)

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Review #5, by Lululuna The Winter Air

20th December 2013:
Hello! :) This was such a sweet story! I love it when the world of the Marauders is explored beyond Hogwarts and the idea of the Potters having a holiday ball was creative and great to read about. Though Eleanor isn't such a fan of pureblood society I thought the ball sounded quite lovely and really enjoyed the descriptions of the decorations and guests.

Eleanor and Sirius were a great couple in how cynical they both were, like how they were sceptical about opening presents (but hey, who doesn't like presents?!). I enjoyed their teasing and bantering, but also how they have a romantic side as well. The idea of being forced to take dancing classes made me giggle, especially how disgusted they were by it. They were great in how they clearly knew one another quite well and were very comfortable around one another.

James was a wonderful character as well from his appearances, I liked how his mom has such an influence over him. I really enjoyed reading this and aww-ing at the sassy cuteness, well done! :) And good luck with the Duel! :D

Author's Response: Aww Thankyou very much! I'm so glad to hear you enjoyed reading it. :)

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Review #6, by teh tarik The Winter Air

18th December 2013:
Hey there! Congrats on getting an entry in and successfully completing the Writers' Duel!

Aww, this was such a fun, light-hearted read! I quite love the mistletoe prompt, because it's always really interesting to see who ends up with who under that little green hanging thing. :P And how both parties react to being under it!

I enjoyed reading your story a lot; I think you've done a great job creating that wonderful festive atmosphere; I can really imagine seeing all the shiny ornaments and dazzling ball gowns and the Marauders (or James and Sirius) dressed so smartly. Your Sirius has a kind of casual elegance in the way he carries himself. But wow, him and James spiking everybody's drinks?!? That's a Marauder prank on a different scale. :P

I love how the suddenness of the moment catches both of them, when they realise that they've just walked into the mistletoe trap. It's not enchanted mistletoe or anything, so they both could walk away should they not wish to go along with this silly old tradition of kissing beneath it, but I love how they're both sporting enough for that kiss. Also because they're not-so-secretly attracted to each other, ha! I love the momentary change in their interactions and the softness of that kiss and the way they wish each other 'Merry Christmas', and then with a snap, everything is back to normal with Sirius' final comment (of course he would have the last word).

You do have a few grammatical errors as well as punctuation errors in dialogue tags, and some tense shifts here and there, but you can always request a beta reader at the forums to go through these sorts of things with you.

Well done, and best of luck with the Writers' Duel. :)

-teh

Author's Response: Thankyou very much for reading! Wow , I'm really glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully in the new year my writting can improve and all those little things can help me advance! Thanks for all you feedback. Ellie :)

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Review #7, by 800 words of heaven The Winter Air

16th December 2013:
SO CUTE! I really miss reading Sirius/OC fics. It's been a really long time since I read one that was a short and fluffy as this. I totally enjoyed myself.

I really liked your narrative voice here. It was descriptive, helping the reader imagine what was going on and what the character was feeling, but it wasn't cluttered with unnecessary words and phrases, just for the sake of having them. That was really nice because it made it way asker to read that way.

One thing that I noticed was that the tense sort of changed randomly. At the beginning it was in the present tense, and then in the middle it was the simple past tense, and then for a moment there it was the pluperfect tense, and then it went back to being the simple past. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it threw the rhythm of the piece off for me a little.

This was a really adorable read, though! Happy Holidays to you, too!

Author's Response: Thankyou! I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. I'm really sorry about the tense problem, I'm still new to writting and by no means am I perfect but I'll try my best to improve as I go. :)

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