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17 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Aphoride Prologue

24th January 2014:
Hey there - stopping by with your requested review! Sorry it's taken me so long to get here - I was hoping to get here earlier, but I've been incredibly busy lately, so unfortunately my review thread has suffered a bit. I'm here now, though! :)

I really enjoyed this story, as well! While I don't tend to read Next Gen Quidditch stories on my own, I really liked this one! It had the right amount of action/teasing information in this for a prologue and was about just the right length for one, too. So a good start ;)

One thing I'd mention, speaking of beginnings, is that you might want to take another look at your first two paragraphs. I think you could improve them, tbh, and make them a bit more attention-grabbing. Perhaps instead of saying she was sitting on her bed, going over Quidditch tactics, maybe describe what she's doing a bit more, say if she's feeling stressed or tired or something? I think it just needs to be a bit more fleshed out, if you know what I mean :)

I love Charlie as a character, though. I love how you've given her a fairly common name and a pretty normal nickname, and an ordinary hair colour and things. Well away from Mary Sue territory! ;) I like how she's not necessarily the most social of people, sporty but not brilliant and so has to really work at it, has friends but doesn't tend to date. It's a really good premise and a nice change to see an OC who isn't brilliant at Quidditch! ;) The only thing I'd say is is it really relevant to the story for her to be Head Girl? Is she particularly clever/has enough time to dedicate to doing both jobs, since both would take up quite a bit of time? It seems a bit much to me for her to be doing both, tbh.

I liked the scene with Al and Scorpius as well. It was a nice little interlude, and it worked really well in the prologue, to set it up - teasing us with the possibility of Charlie/Al romance!

The main thing I would say about this, in terms of improvement, is that in a lot of your description and things you tend to write short, one-clause sentences and often starting with the same word, eg. 'she'. I'd recommend trying to follow the rule of only starting one sentence in any given paragraph with the a particular word (so you can only use 'she' once in a paragraph, for example), and combining short sentences together. For example, 'This girl is way out of your league! But I know you'll just love her!' can be combined to make 'This girl is way out of your league, but I know you'll just love her'. It'll improve the flow of the chapter ;)

Honestly, though, even with those little technical things, this is a really good start! Your characters are all pretty strong so far, your plot's good and off well, it works really well as a prologue... I like it! :)

Feel free to re-request! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Oh my gosh, thanks so much! That was an amazing review, so I'm really sorry it took so long to respond. I haven't been on here much since school started again after winter break, and now that I'm on a snow day, I figured I should check out what's going on! So, yeah, I know what you mean about being super busy. D:

Anyway, this was a super-helpful review. I agree with everything you said, including the part about the head girl thing. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I think you're right. I should probably omit that part, just because, as I'm sure you can probably already tell, this is a story that revolves almost completely around Quidditch. The only non-Quidditch thing in this story is Charlie's friend Olivia. So, yeah, I'll probably go back and get rid of that part. I may just make her a prefect, because I still want it to be known that she's a "good kid with good grades" kind of person.

I've already started editing, using your comments, so thanks so much for this review! It was perfect in every way. :D

~Smit


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Review #2, by Sofia Chapter One

7th January 2014:
Holaaa
I liked this chapter! I thought it was a bit rough, as in not very complete, but overall it was good. You have some spelling mistakes:
"Makayla, your Starfish With a Stick is so perfect"- it's actually called Starfish and Stick :)
"The team mounted their brooms"- I think it sounds better if you would say something like "my team" or "the rest of the team"
"When I finally made it to the locker room, everyone all grins and giggles, but also exhausted"- Did you mean "everyone WAS all grins and giggles"? It would make more sense.
"Why did Liv and Scor thing me and Al would be a good couple."- "think" instead of "thing" and ? instead of a dot (.).
"I should just give it a go as see what happens, right?" I think you meant "and"?
That's it!
Lovely chapter :)
Hope you update soon,
Sofia
xxx

Author's Response: Thank you so much for pointing out specific things you found. I'll be sure to fix those ASAP. :)

~Smit


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Review #3, by Sofia Prologue

7th January 2014:
Hmmm this is interesting! It is well written and a nice start. You have some spelling mistakes though:
"This was her first game as team captain and everything had to go perfectly so she CAN prove that she was the perfect choice as captain, rather Albus Potter, who was also considered."- should be COULD
"he had been working on ever since WE came back to Hogwarts"- should be THEY.
And I think that's it!
Lovely start :) Can't wait to read more!
xxx
Sofia

Author's Response: Thank you for pointing those out, and also for reviewing. :)

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Review #4, by UnluckyStar57 Chapter One

7th January 2014:
Hello! For the Twelfth Day of the Twelve Days of Reviewing, I'm reviewing you first! :)

I reviewed the first chapter of this story a while ago, so I thought it would be good to come back and see what was going on with Charlie&co. in chapter two. The Quidditch match was excellently described. I thought you did a good job of illustrating the plays and things that were going on.

So, they won by ten points, and now Charlie has to go on a date with Al. Will the date happen in the next chapter? Does he feel as awkward about it as she does? Will disaster strike to shake things up a bit? I guess I'll jsut have to find out later! :)

This story is off to a great start! Update soon!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Ah, thanks! I just logged on and saw three unread review! Best day ever! :D

I'm glad you liked the Quidditch scene. As much as I love Quidditch, I find it difficult to write, so I'm happy that you think I did a good job.

Yes the date will be in the next chapter (which is about halfway written) and everything will be answered in the next chapter. :)

Thanks again! :D

~Smit


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Review #5, by patronus_charm Prologue

7th January 2014:
Hey, here for the 12 days of reviewing!

I liked the sound of Charlie as itís unusual to follow a Slytherin character so I can already see your own ideas coming through here rather than it being a usual Albus/OC story. I also really liked how motivated and driven she was to do well on the team, because not only did this tie into her house, it was in a positive way too which was a nice spin on the usual Slytherins are evil thing :P

I loved how Scorpius and Oliviaís speech about them needing to date mimicked the others in a way as it made me laugh. I have a feeling that they may have set up Albus and Charlie and I wonder how that will go down with the other. I found it funny that Charlie was considered to be out of Albusí league by Scorpius though because itís usually the other way round, so again, it was a nice touch.

The tension about the game was really palpable and I have a feeling that this might define Albus and Charlieís relationship though I canít say whether that would be a good thing or not :P I hope it is, because they both seem really sweet and I can see that they have similarities such as stubbornness and liking Quidditch.

I would perhaps give this chapter one more read through because there were a few cases of missing out words and minor typos, but other than that, it was a good start to the story!

-Kiana

Author's Response: I'm glad you feel that way about Charlie. I don't want her to be evil, because Slytherin's description is "cunning" not "evil" so I'm trying to break that cliche with this story.

I may be a girl, but from what I can tell, boy's friendships are usually one ragging on the other, so I think that's what Scorp was doing when he said that Charlie was out of Al's league. :P

Thanks for letting me know about the typos and stuff! I'll have to get on that pretty quick.

Thanks for the review! :D
~Smit


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Review #6, by MissesWeasley123 Prologue

7th January 2014:
Hello, I'm here for day 12 of the 12 Days of Reviewing! :D

I think you made a very clever decision of not having Albus as the captain. Clever because we usually see the Wotters idolized in Next Gens, so this was excellent in the way that it was most definitely different. It was also unique how you made him a bit distant with the captain, which was nice, and then obviously the captain is a girl. So you did a good job in differentiating from the cliches :)

You managed to introduce your characters, and most of them are very likable. They are all very different, for example Charlie and Olivia, and it'll be interesting to see how they all play out.

I really liked the dialogue, and even personally I'm more of a dialogue person -- descriptions KILLS me haha! But I do try to strike a balance. For me this chapter did have a bit *too* much dialogue. I think if you added a bit more descriptions on how the characters are feeling, their surroundings etc. you'll be able to have a nice balance between the two. I can tell this is a romance, and one of the things authors always want to do in romances is get into the plot, which is okay, but take it slowly. That does mean you will have to write more plot and less romance, but it'll be great at the end because your story will be realistic, if that makes sense? :P

Another thing might be your paragraphs and spacing - a little bit of combining won't go amiss :)

Overall though, I think this was a great introductory to your character Charlie. This story definitely has some potential, so definitely keep on writing, and I'll keep my eye open for the next chapter :)

Author's Response: I'm trying hard to break some cliches and stereotypes in this story. I don't want the Slytherins to be evil; I want them to be "cunning" because that's what their description is. And of course there are other cliches, but that's my main focus. :)

I have such a heard time writing description! I get people reviewing all the time saying "describe something! What are they wearing, what color is their hair?" And I'm like "yeah, but did you read what they were talking about?" haha. Yeah, that made sense. I'm going to get a beta for this story so maybe they'll be able to help me out a little bit.

Thanks so much! (chapter two just got validated today, by the way ;) )

~Smit


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Review #7, by True Author Prologue

22nd December 2013:
Review Swap! :D

Ooh, so Scorpius and Olivia have plas about Albus and Charlie! That's really interesting. I would like to see how the 'date' will turn out. ;) It would be such fun! Please update soon?

I liked Charlie. She's all tough, captainish and still sweet. Your other characters seem believable, though I would've to get used to the fact that Scorpius is not paired with Rose here. I'm quite a ScoRose fan, so it will be hard to see him with Olivia, but it doesn't matter. :)

This was really a great story! Will be back for more. Thanks for the review swap!

Ashwini

Author's Response: I put the next chapter in the queue right before the queue closed, so it should be up soon after it reopens. :)

I would also like to see some ScoRose in this story in the future, so maybe Charlie can talk Rose and Scorpius into something. ;P

Haha, thanks for your review! :)

~Smit


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Review #8, by kenpo Prologue

21st December 2013:
Hey, here for your requested review! This was a different style than I'm used to, but I enjoyed it.
Firstly, some of the formatting was weird. There would be paragraph breaks in the middle of a sentence. That could just be my screen, but I'd double check it.
Second, I would've liked to see a little more description. There was a lot of dialogue, and I think the narrative could benefit from more imagery.

The plot seems to be off to a good start. I liked the brief POV change. It showed that Charlie and Albus are similar, but also very different. They both have their pesky friends that think they need a significant other! I liked that even though you implied that there's rivalry between Charlie and Albus, they're still nice to each other. On the subject of characters, I don't think I like Olivia as a person. That's okay, though. Not every character in a story needs to be liked by the readers!


Try to avoid using the word "very". Whenever you say "very", it means that there is a better word out there.

Overall, good start to a fic. I'd concentrate on trying to improve description, because I think any issues with plot flow would be automatically corrected. Keep writing!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I've been trying to work on description a little bit, as well as the formatting because many people have pointed that out, so when the queue reopens, I'll edit the chapter.

Thanks for your input, I'll go through and edit soon. :)

~Smit


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Review #9, by GingeredTea Prologue

20th December 2013:
Review swap!

I think this is a great beginning. I liked how you introduced your character and the story had pretty good flow and while the plot isn't the kind I normally read, it was laid out nicely. I assume it is Albus that they intend to put with Charlie?

Now, for the CC's. I wish it hadn't mostly been dialogue. Dialogue is really useful, but I wish I had had more orienting details. When Albus is calling 'Scor' weird, how is he looking at him? It would have made me as a reader feel more connected to the characters. :)

Thanks for the read! Catch you around if you around the forums!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'll put your comments into consideration when I'm editing tonight.

(I actually just now saw your comment on my status, so I'm just about to start your review. :) )


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Review #10, by UnluckyStar57 Prologue

17th December 2013:
Hello! I'm here with the review you requested last week. :)

So, I thought that you set this story up nicely, with Charlie being captain and Albus being on the team, but not exactly Charlie's friend. He seemed nice enough to erase the chalkboard for her, so that makes me wonder--are they opponents because Charlie got Quidditch captain and Albus didn't? Or are they friendly rivals? I would like to learn more about their current relationship in the next chapter!

Ooh, so Scorpius and Olivia are in cahoots, are they?! Are those two dating, or just friends? I wasn't entirely sure from the way that Olivia talked about him, but whatever they are, they're quite the rascals! I wonder how Albus and Charlie will react when they find out who they will be going to Hogsmeade with...

As far as the spelling/grammar concerns, I'm here to tell you that I noticed very few mistakes! :)

The few that I noticed:

"...everything had to go perfectly so she can prove..."--This is incorrect because the rest of the story is in past tense. I recommend changing the "she can prove" part to "she COULD prove." That's really all that's wrong with it. :)

"...since we came back to Hogwarts..."--Because you're telling the story in a third person perspective, the "we" in the sentence should be "they," meaning the Quidditch team, or "he," meaning Albus.

I also noticed that you had a few instances where you accidentally separated the first half of a sentence from the second half with the "Enter" key. The two instances are listed below, and all I suggest is that you go back and fix the spacing for greater continuity. :)

1) "Scorp said in a sing-song voice before prancing out of the dorm."

2) "Everyone get a good night's sleep and eat a good breakfast in the morning. This is the first game of the season; we have to win!"

Just note that I fixed the spacing of them in this review so that they wouldn't take up so much space. :)

Great first chapter! I can't wait to read more! :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing!

I like to think Al and Charlie are just friendly rivals. I've already submitted the second chapter, but there isn't much in there about their relationship. I may have to try to include some of that in the third chapter or something.

Yes Olivia and Scorpius are dating, and that will definitely become more apparent in the second chapter.

Thank you so much for pointing those out! I don't know how those format issues happened, but those are a priority for me to fix right now. I sometimes have issues with tense, so I know that I need to work on that... I'll try to get to that tonight or this week, but it's finals week, so it may take a while. :(

Thanks again! :D

~Smit


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Review #11, by Iellwen Prologue

13th December 2013:
Hi there!

So first off, when someone keeps jumping/bouncing on a bed where papers are scattered, some of them are BOUND to land under a foot or a knee and crumble or tear. I know it's a ridiculously small detail but the jumping up and down is mentioned a few times and I had to picture it and it drove me nuts. (Don't worry it's not your fault, I'm just bananas.)
Olivia would keep jumping around. Does that mean she's been jumping on the bed the whole time since she landed on it? What about the time she flicked her hair? Why does she keep jumping up and down - is that a jiggling boob thing? :)

'Hiya Charlie Libby said, cute as ever.' I personally don't know who Libby is, so I can't expect to know she's always cute now, can I? It's not a big deal, I know, but how about "cute as usual" or "in the cute fashion of hers" of sth?


And the fact that both Charlie and Albus wonder why their friend is so weird at the end of their POV is cute since they share a thought. Foreshadowing an awesome love connection for their blind date after the game.


There isn't much suspense in this chapter but it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Information wise, the reader knows Olivia is getting Charlie the Head Prefect and Team Captain a blind date to get her to "relieve stress" (which implies that O. thinks sex is the best way to relax and somehow, the obvious time-consuming issue of dating is not brought up. But hey, since C. doesn't have many friends, she should have sex or at least have a man in her life. Logical.) and Scorpius is setting his buddy Albus (who becomes suspicious for no told reason at the sight of his friend leaning casually against a wall) up on that same date.
Charlie and Albus are on the same team so I couldn't help but wonder if their nosy friends just got bored and wanted to play Cupid to have another couple to hang out with, or if they actually think those two are perfect for each other. Weirdly enough, there don't seem to be any kind of sexual tension between C & A. Maybe that's just me.
Who knows, maybe they're both being set up on separate dates that will both go wrong/bad and bring them closer together.
They all practice for the big match coming up (but why are they running loads of laps during such crucial practice? Quidditch is played on brooms. They need to practice that bad-*ss move Charlie had been all about, right? I mean laps are okay during regular practice. But before the big game, first of the year?
And Charlie enjoys being a captain.


I can't point out spelling/grammar (expect for the few already pointed out in other reviews for this chap) since English isn't my native tongue and I offer to write reviews, not to correct you work, but I suggest you apply for a beta-reader instead of asking for both a review AND a check-up on your wording.

I'm actually not much of a next generation fan so new/original characters are something I'm happy to find. I look forward to the development of both your story and your characters so keep writing and update soon!
A story about a blooming romance and Quidditch could get really interesting!
:)

Author's Response: Thanks for your review!

I'm not entirely sure how changing the working of "Libby said, cute as ever" improves the reading experience, but I'll think about it a little bit. By the way, Libby is Olivia. "Lib" is a nickname for Olivia that I've heard many times.

I think Olivia and Scorpius just thought Charlie and Al would be a good couple. There doesn't have to be any sexual tension, especially if they've never thought of each other like that, which I don't think they have.

Running increases blood flow which increases your ability to concentrate, so I think that's why Charlie has her teammates running laps; so they can concentrate on what they're are doing.

Thanks for reviewing. :)

~Smit


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Review #12, by Courtney Dark Prologue

11th December 2013:
Hey there!

So first of all, I have to say that I really love the summary for you story! It really drew me in and made me eager to find out what this wall all about, so nice work! Personally, I am absolutely awful at summaries!

I thought this was a good introductory chapter. I am loving your characters so far. They all seem to have very different, contrasting personalities, and I am looking forward to seeing how you develop these characters. I especially love your characterizations of Scorpius and Albus - most especially Scorpius! I really enjoyed his conversation with Albus, about how he was acting 'weird'. It felt very natural, and helped me to get to know your characters, without information dumping.

I felt like the conversation between Charlie and Olivia was a little stiff, and didn't quite seem natural. In saying this, I feel like you have created two strong, very different characters, and I'm looking forward to learning more about them!

You asked about balance between dialogue and description. In my opinion, this chapter is a bit too dialogue heavy. It could definitely use some more description! Perhaps you could add in some more of Charlie's thought process when Olivia tells her of her plan, and maybe describe the Quidditch practice a little more? Even adding in some small details could make this first chapter so much better than it is already - perhaps you could describe Albus' appearance when he comes walking out of the bathroom? Or maybe describe the state of the dormitory - is it messy? Are their clothes lying all over the floor? It may seem surprising, but little details like this really help us get to know the character!

Another suggestion (sorry, I don't want to sound to critical, but I think this has a lot of potential!) would be to describe Charlie's thoughts of Albus when they meet for Quidditch. Maybe she could think about his appearance or his personality, or even some sort of memory (positive or negative) that they shared? These are, of course, just ideas.

Your grammar and spelling was generally pretty good, but I did notice that you switched tenses a little bit, here and there. For example: 'This was her first game as team captain and everything had to go perfectly so she can prove that she was the perfect choice as captain, rather Albus Potter, who was also considered.'

I hope this review was helpful!

Courtney:)

Author's Response: Thanks! The story behind the name and summary, and frankly, also the plot of the story, is that I was on hp-lexicon just looking around, being a nerd in general, and I was looking at the Quidditch terms and that came up and then this story just sort of happened. It was great. :P

Thanks so much for all your suggestions! I'll think about those and see what I can do, as I think they're all really good.

And I'll definitely go back and re-read so I can fix those pesky tenses.

Thanks so much, this was an awesome review! :D

~Smit


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Review #13, by xTimexTurnerx Prologue

11th December 2013:
Hola! Ms. Lizzie from the forums here!

I do love me some Next Gen :)

I like the parallels you've already drawn between Scorpius and Charlie with their equally weird but invested friends. I feel myself wanting to know more about Olivia. I'm curious to see the dynamic between Olivia and Scorpius. I get that she's a blonde and appears to be more social than Charlie and not interested in Quidditch, but I feel like a bit more description about who she is/ why she's in Slytherin/ what are her interests would be helpful!

Speaking of Slytherins, I like that we find out Albus is in Slytherin in this sentence: "Charlie jumped slightly when the seventh year Slytherin girls dormitory door slammed open and Olivia Davies jumped on the bed with Charlie, scattering all her papers around." A great example of showing something about him, as we're transitioning out of Charlie thinking about him, rather than being obvious about it. Well done.

There are a couple times the formatting is a bit off:
"I can't tell you until we win the game tomorrow!" Scorp said in a sing-song voice before prancing
out of the dorm, slamming the door behind him."
The line cuts in the middle which was temporarily confusing but I've been having difficulty with that too. The formatting on here is like the staircases in Hogwarts, it likes to move occasionally. But just so you're aware!

And lastly I would look for some times when you can cut down multiple words for one more descriptive one. Ex. "When they got to..." versus "When they arrived..." And those pesky filler words/ repetitive phrases: "She really needed to find a way to balance the two equally because this was a very important practice and tomorrow was a very important game." (Very important being used twice).

I like that you ended on a high note, because I feel like something is bound to go amiss soon ;) Maybe that's just the mischief maker in me. Good start! Let me know in my thread if you want me to take looks at other chapters as you keep posting!!!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! This was an amazing review! I'll definitely track down those errors and fix them when I get a chance, so thanks so much for pointing those out.

I'm still figuring Olivia out. I think she's going to be a tough character for me, because I don't think I know anyone like her, so she's gonna be a challenge. I hope I can get her down soon though, as she's a fairly important character. Oh, and why she's in Slytherin will become apparent soon enough. :)

Thanks again for reviewing. :D


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Review #14, by LightLeviosa5443 Prologue

10th December 2013:
Hi! Thanks for the request in my thread!

I really enjoyed this chapter. Setting Charlie and Al up on a date was brilliant, at least, I'm assuming that's who has been set up as Olivia mentioned Scorp's friend and Scorp said he was setting Al up on a date and they both said after the game was won!

Are Olivia and Scorp dating?

I caught a couple of grammar/spelling errors:

-In the first paragraph you end a sentence with "..rather Albus Potter, who was also considered." I believe it should be "...rather THAN Albus Potter..."

- At the very end of the chapter Charlie is speaking and there is a big gap in the middle of her speaking, thagt should just be all together, not seperated, that's all!

On to chapter 2!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Yes, Liv and Scorp are dating. That will become more apparent in the second chapter, when they will actually be shown together.

And thanks for pointing those out! I will fix them as soon as possible!

Thanks so much for your review!


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Review #15, by ReeBee Prologue

9th December 2013:
Ooh! I'm very very interested... :) Like seriously!

Okay, the dialogue was really really good! I found myself chuckling along with each line of dialogue! It was super!

There could have been a bit more description. You did description of the characters appearance quite well. All of them were incorporated very smoothly! :) But, a bit more on the setting would improve the story and smoothen plot flow :)

Characterisation could also have been expanded on. But, this is only your first chapter. As you incorporated some of the plot in the first chapter- there is a bit of leeway for characterisation. But, I would have still liked to see a bit more characterisation. Not too obvious, just a 'she did this, even though she knows that this annoys me to no ends' that was a bad example, but subtle hints at characterisation would go a long way :)

Other than that, this is an excellent start! :D Like, amazing!

You are so talented! I can't believe this is your first story!! Ah! Great way to make other insecure ;) Just kidding, but this is seriously awesome! I love it! Can't wait to see where this goes :)

-ReeBee :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

Since this is a prologue, not a legit chapter, I wanted to just kind of hint at what was to come in the rest of the story, where you'll find out quite a bit about the characters, but I do see what you mean. I'll go over it and see what I can do to add to characterization and descriptions. :)


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Review #16, by Me Prologue

6th December 2013:
Awesome job. Really well done.

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #17, by It's A Secret Prologue

6th December 2013:
Am looking forward to the next chapter! x

Author's Response: Ah, thanks!

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