Reading Reviews for Rules of the Game
  
63 Reviews Found

Review #1, by daliha Boys Gossip Too

14th February 2015:
The Marauder's Map!

I love Lily she seems like a typical seventeen year old, it makes you think of all the trouble their parents had to go through. But enough of that I love how Lily and Jimmy get so anxious to know who is the Hufflepuff captain.

I noticed there is a lot of conversation in this chapter which is cool because it moves the plot forward, but maybe a bit of descrpition here and there would make the chapter richer, besides that I love your characters!

Ida

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Review #2, by daliha A Home From Home

14th February 2015:
Hey! I'm here for the Gryffindor Review exchange
:)

I thought this was a sweet first chapter, it's
cool to see a next gen fic with Lily Potter as
the main character, usually it's James or Albus.
Anyway I did think this would be from Lily's POV
(according to the summary) but I did enjoy Ivy's
POV. So Oliver Wood's son is in Ravenclaw, that's
interesting everyone usually makes the kids
carbon copies of their parents, which I'm glad
you didn't do here, also if I'm not mistaken Ivy
is Justin's daughter? (correct me if I'm wrong) I
wonder how the whole Head Girl thing will go for
Ivy? Also I wonder what happened between Albus
and Ivy, were they ever together, or is my
imagination?

AHHH so many question, I'll go on to the next
chapter :)

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Review #3, by BLONDEbehaviour A Home From Home

24th December 2014:
Heelloo!!

Interesting first chapter! I m intrigued in the way that you are going to take it with Ivy and her perspective as opposed to Lilys, as I feel it will definitely be a different take on the story, but after reading this chapter may work better for what you have in store for the plot development (which so far I like!) I am very interested to know what went on with Albus and Ivy..one too many Butterbeer I imagine...hmm.all of the intruige. I must stay tuned and see what you have instore! But he has a girlfriend! You have set down a great plot for the forst chapter and introduced the characters really nicely. left use just on edge enough to want to keep reading!

You have done some really good character descriptions, which is something that is can be missed in the first chapter when trying to solidify characters, and i think it has helped to started created a depth in your characters for you which is good. You possibly could have put a tincy bit more description into the surroundings...what was it the platform like? crazy runaround kids? more steam? If anything, maybe to help slice through a bit more of that tension for ya, and to highlight how uncomfortable for Ivy the interaction was :)

All in all though I think you've made a great stat and I am definitely going to have to continue reading to see what has been going on and see how you develop these characters! Merry Christmas!

Grace :)

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Review #4, by Secret Santa! Just Friends

23rd December 2014:
Hello! I'm back!

Alice is a morning person. I strive to be more like Alice. All of last semester, I think I managed to make it to breakfast about six times... but next semester, I'll be more like Alice!

I haven't even really gotten into this chapter, but I'm already really liking it. Your writing seems to have shifted with her POV, which is very cool. You're doing well with showing the characters as individuals, and the different narrative style helps to solidify their individual personalities.

I think I love Alice a little bit. I can totally picture her sitting there, observing. She's great.

I feel so horribly for her, though! Who did she see die? :( (Or was it already mentioned and I just have poor reading comprehension?)

Alice and Hugo need to just fess up! I want a little romance! Oh but then they'll probably break up because they're hormonal teenagers and it'll be horrible and I'll be very angry with you, so maybe I don't want that... huh... maybe I'll just settle to be along for the ride and let you decide what happens!

UGH. I DO NOT LIKE POPPY.

She's provoking inappropriate language, and it's Christmas, so I'll just say "I don't like Poppy" and move on. HMPH!!

UMITOKI OH MY GOD SHE'S ADORABLE.

Hmmm why is Lily so in favor with Loughty? Also I love that the new flying professor is Aerius. That's so perfect, and very HP.

One thing with this chapter was that it moved very quickly, because it was dialogue heavy. I'd consider looking for places where you could add more description.

I also have a message for you that I think you might enjoy:

01000100011100100110101100011011010010
0100010001101011100100110110101101001
011001010110111001110011001010011100111
01010110111001110001011101010110101101101
001010101000110100101110100011010010110
11000110110001101011011100110010001110101
01110011

(the line breaks are just so that it doesn't get all weird - it's all one string of binary)
I really enjoyed this chapter, and I look forward to keeping up with the story once my super secret identity is revealed!!

-Santa (EUGH there I go again almost typing my name!)

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Review #5, by Secret Santa! Let the Games Begin

23rd December 2014:
Hello, there. I am Santa!!! Teehee!!!

I know that Ivy's been worried that she won't be a good Head Girl, but it seems as if she'll do really well, to me! I hope that she gains some confidence, though.

I'm curious to see about the new Potions Mistress. I've come to learn that brilliant doesn't always make for the best teacher... I mean, obviously Hogwarts teachers are generally brilliant, but there's that type of focus on research that doesn't pair well with teaching. What I'm saying is, I'm curious about her.

YOU WROTE A SONG. I bow down to you. Great job with that, and very brave!

Awww, did you really have your characters give the song a put-down? Shut up Ivy and Alice, the song was fantastic!!

I love that they're guessing all of the sortings. That's totally something I would do.

I don't think I like Poppy very much. Hmph.

Oooo those dormitories sound nice! I'd like to be Head Girl, if you don't mind... I also like the way that you described the tapestry splitting. I agree with John... gotta love magic!

Okay, so I was planning on leaving a much more in-depth review, but that ending has me on the edge of my seat, so I'll probably be buzzing through the rest of the review so that I can get to the next chapter!!

I can't help but notice that so far, the main character seems to be Ivy. I was expecting it to be Lily. I'm not complaining, because I really like Ivy and would like to continue spending time with her, but I just thought that I'd mention it.

I also like Alice, but I wish she'd be more open about... everything, really. You have a crush? Go for it! Are her anxieties just about the Thestrals, or is it a more general thing? If she suffers from anxiety on a regular basis, I really hope that she gets the help that she needs.

I enjoyed this chapter! Again, fantastic job on the song. I'll see you next chapter!!

-Santa (WHEW! Almost signed my name out of reflex)

(okay so when I preview this, there's slashes before my apostrophes and they won't go away so sorry if this is hard to read!)

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Review #6, by nott theodore Let the Games Begin

8th July 2014:
Hey Lauren! I can't believe that it's taken me this long to finally get round to reviewing these chapters, but stupid life has got in the way - at least now I get the chance to continue reading!

Mmm, your description of all the food at the feast has made me really hungry now! I'm glad that Ivy likes food as much as I seem to :P But she's also quite preoccupied with making sure she does everything right in her first day as Head Girl - I can see why she would have been first choice for the role, because she's really conscientious and a model student, from the sounds of it.

This Albus Potter secret is very intriguing! I want to know all about what happened, I'm suspecting some cheating and wondering whether Ruth does indeed know, and what repercussions that could have for Ivy in the future...

Lily might think the Sorting Hat's songs aren't as great as they used to be but you should be proud of yourself for tackling it, because it's really difficult and I think you did a really good job of it!

Poppy seems like an annoying sort of character, and I have a feeling that she's not going to let her grudge for Ivy go that quickly. There could be more trouble on its way in the form of John's girlfriend...

I like the way that you described the Heads' dorms and the way that they get in, as well! I actually really want to visit them now because your descriptions were so vivid I could picture it all quite easily. And Albus is the last thing that Ivy thinks of before she goes to sleep... she's got it bad!

As always, I love the way you write the friendship between these characters and they just seem so natural and happy together. Great chapter!

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #7, by nott theodore Just Friends

7th July 2014:
Just Friends? Just Friends? Alice and Hugo are definitely not just friends and Alice needs to start admitting soon that she wants to be more than just friends! I loved the way that the girls were teasing her over it though, because it's really natural and just what I used to do with my friends at school.

I'm intrigued about what happened to Alice and why she finds the thestrals so disturbing. It must be quite a significant reason for her to react so badly each time she sees them, and for her parents to still be concerned about it if it's happened before - although I suppose parents would always be concerned!

Haha, I love the rivalry that you're setting up between Lily and Jimmy when it comes to Quidditch, with Alice afraid to even let Lily know that she's helped another of their friends do posters for his team. They both take their sport very seriously and are probably a perfect match - I can't wait to see how they start getting together!

Poppy is mean. I know that she's disappointed that she didn't get to be Head Girl, but it's not Ivy's fault that she was a better candidate and that the teachers preferred her. I like the idea of the newspaper, though, because I think there would probably have been some additions to the extra curricular activities at Hogwarts after the war. With Poppy as its editor though, it could mean some bad things get printed about our main characters...

Aww, Hugo and Alice are just so cute! I loved that little moment between them and how Alice reacted so stupidly, despite the fact that she protests they're just friends. And Lily's going to get them together? That could either go really well or end up as a complete disaster...

Sian :)

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Review #8, by TidalDragon Just Friends

14th May 2014:
Well here we are at the end (for now)!

Well you've turned my rotation theory on its head right off the bat having this one come from Alice's POV. Once again though, you handled the change well and I thought you did more than just get us inside her head, you also did a good job of keeping her consistent with how she comes off from others' perspectives. The more POVs you add, the more challenge you create for yourself I think, but so far you're handling it splendidly. I wonder...how many POVs can you do? It's quite a talent.

I did notice a few niggling little typos in this chapter that seemed uncharacteristic - "sort after" instead of "sought after" was an example. I will also admit that I didn't feel the scene with Neville was a particularly strong one. You've set the bar high for yourself with the other chapters and scenes so far, so perhaps it's just a case of paling in comparison, but even though it's supposed to be a bit awkward, I thought it came across more so than I think it should in her 7th year. Perhaps it's also that, for me, the thestral issue didn't work for them because I would think Neville and Hannah would be used to it by now and not so concerned (though admittedly I don't know what gives rise to it or how bad it's gotten for Alice before so maybe it will come into perspective later).

The other thing I HAVE to mention that I forgot previously, but resurfaced here is the inclusion of a school paper. I'm really interested to see how that plays out what with the catty, vindictive editor-in-chief, but I also just think it's a really nice introduction and probably something that could exist in Next-Gen Hogwarts so I wanted to give you props for injecting a clever new student activity like that.

All in all I really enjoyed the story so far and I'm excited that I got to read it thanks to the Review Exchange. I have actually considered reading it many times before, but my writing, review thread, real life, and all sorts of whatnot have thwarted me in the past so it's good the exchange gave me the final push I needed.

You're the second Next-Gen to make my 'currently reading' (and the last eventually became a favorite), so I hope you keep up the good work on this story. I'm looking forward to seeing it progress!

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Review #9, by TidalDragon Let the Games Begin

14th May 2014:
Hello hello!

I'm not sure if you're planning this to be a pattern or not (rotating perspectives Ivy-Lily-Hugo) or if it's just happened that way the first time around, but it's interesting. I imagine it must be a challenge to always change perspectives in every single chapter, but you seem to be coping with it very very well. This chapter you gave us some more delightful tidbits of Ivy's character. You reinforced that she seems to be less confident than Lily, but used the interaction with Poppy to show that she's not a totally timid pushover. And she's a list-maker. How appropriate for a head student.

You also kept up some of the intrigue about this whole bit involving Albus. You keep leaving just enough hints that it's doing a good job making me wonder what happened without being overly intrusive at this point. On top of that you teased us a bit with more to the Hugo/Alice dynamic.

Of course any review would be remiss without commenting on your sorting song! Lily may think the songs are going downhill, but I think you did a pretty good job. Writing a sorting song seems like a heck of a challenge to me, but you had the boldness to confront it and that deserves some major props.

I will say that of the three perspectives, I've probably liked Ivy least so far. I'm not sure what it is exactly because you've developed her well, but perhaps it's the fact that you led with her and she just seems to pale so much in comparison to Lily's strong personality so far. I'm not sure where you plan to take her exactly, but it would be interesting to find out. I do feel like you've left yourself a lot of room to develop her though and so maybe that's the point. Or maybe the very point is for Lily to shine that much more. I don't know, and I usually don't leave such vague feedback, but for whatever little bit it's worth, I thought I'd mention it. Shrug.

See you in the next chapter!

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Review #10, by TidalDragon Things Could Be Worse

14th May 2014:
After a long slog at work, I am back!

Once again you handled the shift of perspective very well. What was also interesting about this one is that you injected a lot more time for introspection than in the previous chapters. I thought with the way you've portrayed Hugo's character so far and the build-up of Hugo's feelings for Alice and the intrigue surrounding Alice's reaction to thestrals it was a very appropriate choice and one that worked well for you.

I also really liked the description you led the chapter with. That kind of language and imagery is the kind that really gets me into a scene/setting from the get-go and you handled it beautifully.

Though you spent a fair amount of words on Quidditch in this chapter (at least in terms of the total dialogue), I thought I'd also point out that I liked how you made those bits more believable than many authors do. Injecting the names of players (even though it seems like a small thing), makes it so much more realistic and the conversations also allowed us to learn more about Lily and Jimmy as characters. Sneaky.

Overall, I just thought this chapter was really well done. Definitely my favorite of the three so far. Keep up the good work!

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Review #11, by TidalDragon Boys Gossip Too

14th May 2014:
Hello again! This is probably the last I'll be able to get to until after work, but I thoroughly enjoyed it too. Again you took a patient approach in introducing things that will prove important (like the cloak and map) while taking some time to develop characters.

I also thought you did a good job of handling the switch of perspective from Ivy to Lily. You really gave it a different feel with it being in Lily's "voice" which is something that I think is much harder to do than create differentiable dialogue (though you've done a good job of that too so far).

That said, I was a bit surprised we didn't get any reaction out of Ivy about the cloak and map (given she's a rule-following Head Girl) and that Lily went ahead and opened the package in front of so many people (despite the pressure).

Regardless I can't wait to see how things keep developing! Good work so far!

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Review #12, by TidalDragon A Home From Home

14th May 2014:
Howdy Lauren! Excited to have been paired with you for the review exchange!

Admittedly, I've never sought out Next-Gen when looking for new fics on my own, but I have been lucky enough to read some great ones for other reasons and I think you're off to very good start!

What I liked most about this beginning was that you didn't overplay the moment. It seems to me that people often have this tendency in Next-Gens to overdo the platform scenes, especially when opening with one, by just BAM - throwing down the major problem(s) right there for everyone with some fight, spat, or other drama. You took a much more patient, nuanced approach. While we caught a glimpse of some things that will be significant (or that I suspect will based on the summary), they were not the central focus. Instead you did an excellent job of introducing characters and giving us a glimpse of their personalities. Ivy was particularly well done, as even small details like how she addressed Harry and Ginny as "Mr. and Mrs. Potter" already set her up as something of a stickler for being 'proper' before you revealed she was Head Girl.

I also liked the way you've chosen to portray Lily. Too often she seems to be this shrinking violet type who is weak or needs defending or is just largely ignored, which always rubs me the wrong way. After all, this is Ginny's daughter we're talking about, and while children certainly have their own personalities, regardless of their parents, I don't think Ginny would raise that type of daughter and I don't think it rings terribly true of what the fusion of Harry and Ginny's genes would create. She's a feisty go-getter from what I can tell so far and I think that's great!

The only thing I noticed in terms of writing was the occasional sentence where you had supplemented the dialogue tags a bit heavily, making them feel a bit long. An example was near the beginning when you wrote: " 'Morning, Finchley,' Lily greeted Ivy with her surname as she so often did as she approached." For me the bit about the surname and frequency might have worked better as a separate sentence. I suppose in that case it's not so much about the actual length, as I think the repetition of the s sounds in the tag that gives me that feeling. Just something to think about.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to reading more!

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Review #13, by LilyMilly Just Friends

13th May 2014:
I really love this story !!!
and I can't wait to read the rest of the story !
and i really hope things goes well both for Ivy and Alice !

Author's Response: Thank you again for leaving another review! I hope things go well too... I hope you stop by again to find out!

Lauren :)


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Review #14, by LilyMilly A Home From Home

11th May 2014:
I really enjoyed this chapter! And I can't wait to read more of this story !
you are a really a good writher and I look forward to getting the real facts about Ivy and Al :D Keep on the good work :D

Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving such a lovely comment :) it was so nice to find! I hope you're not disappointed by what actually happened!

Lauren :)


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Review #15, by ScoroseOTP A Home From Home

20th April 2014:
Hey!
First off- I'm impressed!
Your style of writing is really good.
I don't normally write much a review for the first chapter but I couldn't resit with this one!
It truly is great!
I love how you found a way to put in everyone's (or the important people- in my mind anyway) back story. I loved their backgrounds by the way, really sweet.
All of the characters mentioned I already think are wonderful. I can't wait to find out more about them! Your descriptions of them were really fantastic.
The connection between Ivy and Al is really interesting, I'm intrigued!
ScoroseOTP
Emz xxx

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Review #16, by MissesWeasley123 Just Friends

8th April 2014:
Wait, what do you mean by this:

"According to my Aunt Hermione and Rose, he's just too much like his father to realise he likes you."

Blimey, Hermione and Rose always talk about me, I knew it, and I thought she was supposed to be a daddy's girl. It's all because she's started hanging out with that Malfoy boy isn't it? The first time I even thought, "Yeah, I fancy Hermione" was in our sixth year. Like, come on, her and SPEW were always messing me up.

I really liked this chapter actually, and I hate reading. It's just like being back at school except without Voldemort and stuff. You write loads better than that bloke Gilderoy (I wonder if your generation's heard of him.. hmm) so I guess you did a good job.

Also, should I have "the talk" with Hugo now, about Alice? Blimey, I might have to get Hermione to do it instead of me. Do you know how hard it was to give it to Rose? Mind, I really didn't do it. I kind of just.. stayed outside and waited.

I really like this Nadia girl. She seems cool. Now, I'm not really forward about these things, but she should get together with that Benedict statue.
I hate that Poppy woman -- she reminds me of this Slytherin idiot back when I was in school. Have you heard of Draco Malfoy?

I never really approved of Lily's choice of friends, mainly Ivy actually, but I guess she's alright. Do I need to warn Harry about this Jimmy boy?

Wow, I'm really impressed! I never knew Muggles knew so much about our world. It's a good thing you didn't make Hermione end up with Draco, I almost killed him when I read it!

Also, why is Fred your king? I should be your king.

Erm, good luck mate, with the future chapters!
- Ron Weasley

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Review #17, by XxImAgInAiReXx Just Friends

5th April 2014:
Hi! I'm really enjoying this story, and I'm really interested to see where you go with it. Keep writing :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and leaving such a lovely comment :) it was so nice to find! I hope you come back to find out more!

Lauren :)


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Review #18, by XxImAgInAiReXx A Home From Home

5th April 2014:
I enjoyed this first chapter. It seems like an interesting set up, and I'm excited to see where you go with it. Although, a thing I did note was that your summery and your story don't really match up. The summery makes it seem like the story is told from Lily's point of view. Just a thing I noticed. Anyway, it'll be interesting to see Ivy and Albus's dynamic, especially since Albus is out of school, and where you're going with that.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving such a lovely review. A few people have mentioned that point and so I have now addressed it in my AN. Basically every chapter will be from a different POV so I just chose Lily's for the summary :) I hope it doesn't put you off to much! Thanks again though, and I hope you enjoy what happens with Ivy and Albus ;)

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Review #19, by CambAngst Let the Games Begin

4th April 2014:
Hi, Lauren! The quest for 1,000 rolls on, and I've come back to enjoy a bit more of your story.

I'm glad that being Head Girl hasn't made Ivy all work and no play, although she does seem a bit preoccupied with work. Work, food and Albus, although not necessarily in that order.

A Russian Potions Mistress. Interesting. Well, I'm sure she can't be any more difficult than Snape or any more glad-handed than Slughorn, so the students should have a fairly easy go of it.

I liked your Sorting Hat Song. Those things are a pain to write, and you did a good job with it.

Aww, the tiny little first year is a Gryffindor! Here's hoping she's a great one...

I'm kind of surprised that Filch is still hanging in there as caretaker. I mean, I guess he doesn't really have anything else to do, but he's now been tormented by three generations of the Potter clan. He should just give up.

I don't really like John's girlfriend, but I don't suppose I'm meant to. She seems pretty jealous and catty. I can definitely see her making Ivy's life challenging.

So I saw one lonely little grammar problem in your chapter:

Her and John both turned and made their way out of the hall and turned to climb the stairs when a figure blocked their path. -- should be "She and John"

Otherwise, this was very well written. It flowed nice and smooth all the way to the end. So I assume classes start in the next chapter. Fun, fun, fun! Great job!

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Review #20, by monstrosity Things Could Be Worse

4th March 2014:
Finally here! Ah, it feels like coming back home ;)

Another flawless chapter! I really like how you shifted the focus to Hugo instead. It sure is refreshing change from a female perspective.

If I had to sum up Hugo in one word, it would be normal. These days it seems like every character has to have this completely unique and exciting character. If they don't have a disease they suffer from or some really weird quirk or some special power, then apparently they aren't worth reading about. These days a normal character is really hard to find. That's a huge shame considering that normal characters are the ones that readers relate to the most. None of us have amazing powers and no matter how much we envy or admire characters like that, it's the ones we can picture ourselves as that we really remember.

Hugo is a really thoughtful and nice guy. He's capable of escaping into his own thoughts, feeling awkward about starting conversations and generally being a regular teenager. You had expressed your apprehension about writing something for the first time from a guy's perspective, but honestly your unfamiliarity does not show at all. I've secretly thought that boys and girls aren't that different when writing about. Yeah, there's the whole girls are more analytical while boys are generally physically better, but they are after all the same species and capable of feeling the same emotions. I really don't see a difference in the way you've written about Hugo from the way you've written about Ivy. It flows really well.

One thing which I did notice was that seeing that the readers don't know much about Hugo's personality, you could have gone a bit more into what Hugo was like. This was more about his worry for Alice (the whole situation between them is so adorable, by the way) and he's so focused on what other people are feeling that we rarely get to know much about him. However if that's just the person he is then there's no point in changing that.

The pace of this chapter was really great considering where the plot is at the moment. It does leave quite curious to know why Alice is so terrified of Theastrals as it's something I've never seen before. I'm waiting for the tragic backstory about this ;)

The other characters although they don't play a significant role in this chapter are equally lovable. The bickering between Lily and Jimmy quite reminds me of James and Lily's famous arguing (and, coming to think of it, Jimmy is a nickname for James so I'm wondering what message you're trying to convey over here :P). Lily is, once again, proving why she's such a good friend with her talent to diffuse any tense situation by creating her own with Jimmy. She's also really great at distracting Alice without making her actions noticeable. For someone so passionate about quidditch, she's very aware and perceptive of what her feeling even amidst a large argument. Jimmy is still as adorable and oblivious to everything save his favourite sport. I think here is where you show the difference between having a girl for a friend as opposed to a boy. While girls can really tell what your thinking, the boys however oblivious they may be will definitely distract you from your worries.

I feel like I've ranted enough for now :) It's a great chapter and while I would advise you to make sure the pace of your story doesn't become to slow since they haven't even got to Hogwarts yet, I do think that this has been a good introduction the the different personalities in this story. Having so many OC's can make it hard to deal with, and you're writing in next generation on top of that, yet you've manage to develop them all. I don't know how you did it, but you've pulled it off wonderfully. I hope this review/rant was a bit helpful and feel free to request again!

-Sathya

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Review #21, by CambAngst Things Could Be Worse

28th February 2014:
Hi, Lauren! I'm pressing forward on my quest for 1,000 reviews, and I wanted to stop back by!

This was a nice, long chapter, but it still read very smoothly and flowed well. At no point did I feel like it was dragging.

Switching to Hugo's point of view was a good choice for this one, I think. We got to learn quite a bit about him without being told. He's dutiful, but not so much that he doesn't dread the bad assignments. He's definitely a bit awkward around the opposite sex. And he seems to be just starting to admit to himself that he has a thing for Alice.

Young love is always so awkward, and I like the way you wrote it. Hugo definitely has some of his father in him, albeit not the bumbling, loud part that tends to offend the person he fancies. He's kind of shy and not at all sure of himself.

I don't think you've told us why Alice is able to see the Thestrals, although it isn't all that hard to take a guess. I hope nothing bad has happened to Frank and Alice, but that would be my first guess. :(

Hagrid! Always a shout out for the big guy! Nice to see that he still doesn't really understand what creatures are appropriate for school-age children.

Aww, Hugo held her hand! Temporarily, anyway. Until he realized what he was doing. How much easier would romance stories be if the characters never realized what they were doing and just went with it?

Now I'm really looking forward to the opening feast and beyond! My compliments to you on your writing and Sian on her beta reading. This chapter was clean as a whistle!

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Review #22, by Infinityx Things Could Be Worse

28th February 2014:
Hi there! I'm here for the review you requested!

I find it a little difficult to get a hang of any Next Gen characters and OCs, but I'll try to do justice to your story in this review. :)

First of all, I absolutely LOVE the description which starts of this chapter. It's so beautiful and vivid, I could picture the entire setting so clearly. There's also a very poetic manner to the style in which you've written it. They danced dangerously close to the precipice before finally dropping off the edge, leaving behind an inky black canvas. This was such a wonderful way of describing it!

I think the story flows perfectly. You were concerned that the guy's perspective wouldn't seem realistic. I don't think you should worry about that. Hugo's voice is great here and he's just so sweet! I love that part where he thought of holding Alice like the way his dad holds his mum. I like the sensitive side to him. It makes him such an endearing character and someone anyone would want to know! I also think that there's no reason for you to get worried about the characterization and the POV because in the end, it's your story. There's no canon characterization in Next Gen since we don't know anything about the characters, so you have complete reign over them. I think you've done a brilliant job with Hugo.

I love the little detail about Hugo not liking silence. I wonder what the deal is with Kate though. She seems to be preoccupied and worried about something.

You really have a knack for writing casual conversation. The banter between Lily and Jimmy seemed so natural and flowy, and I really admire the way you've written the dialogues.

Aw, that moment between Hugo and Alice was just the cutest! You've brought out Hugo's inner feelings really well, and nothing was overdone. There are so many ways in which this can progress and I have a feeling it's not going to be smooth.

"So... I guess I'll see you around? At the prefect meetings?"Hmm...it seems like Kate has a lot more to do with this story. She doesn't seem so caught up in her thoughts now. It's really intriguing.

Poor Alice. I wonder when she saw death and why she's so afraid of thestrals. There seems to be a deep backstory to her character. I'm guessing that Hugo will be comforting her a lot, leading to a blossoming romance. They'd be perfect together! I love how perceptive and caring he is, and I'm sure Alice would be in good hands. :D

I like the way you've characterized Lily and Jimmy as well. Although there's not too much about them here, they seem like wonderful friends to have.

This was a great chapter! I couldn't spot any spelling or grammatical errors and it flowed so beautifully! I love your writing style. :)

~Erin

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Review #23, by ohmymerlin Boys Gossip Too

24th February 2014:
Hey, Lauren! I'm here from my review thread! Sorry about the slight delay!

Anyway, the first thing you asked for is if the chapter was entertaining enough. And it definitely is! I was laughing throughout the whole thing, so you definitely don't need to worry about that!

I do have some tiny crit about how you structure your dialogue. I've noticed you occasionally put a full-stop at the end of the speech, and then have the he/she/they said in capitals. Here's an example:

"Sure, you all gang up on Jimmy." He said, raising his voice over the laugher.

This should be: "Sure, you all gang up on Jimmy," he said, raising his voice over the laughter.

(You also missed out the letter t so I thought I'd kill two gnomes with one stone ;) - LOVED that by the way!)

"Wow, this is one impressive piece of magic." Ivy said, inspecting it closely.

This should be: "Wow, this is one impressive piece of magic," Ivy said, inspecting it closely.

Do you see what I mean? It's a minor thing but I'm extremely nit-picky so it did pull me out of the story for a bit.

Next, you asked about the characterisation! I think it was great! I REALLY loved Hugo! I don't know why, but every time he spoke I just really loved him! He's a great character! :D

Lily was really good, I like reading from her point of view!

Oh, I just remembered; the package! I've never thought of the idea of Lily not knowing about the Map and the Cloak but you wrote it really well! I loved how James was reluctant to give it to her, ahaha! That was funny :p

Okay, back on track! You said Jimmy worries you but you shouldn't need to worry! He doesn't seem too sulky - he IS the son of Oliver Wood (who in Fred and George's wise words) tried to drown himself in the showers when they lost to Hufflepuff in Harry's third year :p

And this may sound a bit sexist, but 17 year old boys can be extraordinarily sulky. I know my brother - who is close to 17 - can get sulky very quickly and when I was still at school, a lot of those boys got sulky when things didn't go their way. So I think you don't need to worry about it because nearly all 17 year old boys that I've encountered act quite similar to Jimmy! So don't stress out over him! He's a great character and he did make me laugh, especially at the end when he was still asking, ahahaha! :p

Anywho, this was a really good chapter! I had a great time reading it!

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

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Review #24, by anythingcouldhappen A Home From Home

23rd February 2014:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review :)

I'm just going to go straight through your points!

Initially, I wasn't especially interested--I liked it, but it didn't really stand out from other beginning of the year stories I've read. But then Ivy talked about feeling guilty and ashamed and I was definitely drawn in! It made me really curious as to what it was she was hiding from her friends. I liked that you mentioned it was about Al, but didn't tell us what it was yet. That really grips my attention and makes me want to keep reading. So good job on catching interest! *thumbs up*

As for the characters, my first impressions of them are good. A lot of stories I read have the teenagers being really hyper and flinging themselves on each other like "OMG I missed you so much!!" But your characters seem more mature, which is certainly refreshing. I look forward to seeing you develop them!

Your writing is really well done! It flows well, and is easy but interesting to read. I thought I'd juts point out two minor grammar things I noticed:

"She pulled sharply on the handle as a cat ran straight into her path followed closely by an irritated owner, causing some unused stomach muscle to join in the chorus of complaints" This sentence was a little long, and kind of threw me off at first. I think it might help if you added a comma between "path" and "followed"

"Alice blobbed her tongue out in response" Here, I'm just not sure about the word choice of "blobbed".

Overall, awesome job! I hope this helped!

Sam

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Review #25, by Aphoride A Home From Home

18th February 2014:
Hey there - stopping by with your requested review! Sorry for not reviewing a later chapter, but I said before in my thread that I don't have time to read multiple chapters in one sitting, but feel free to re-request later! :)

So, I think this is really good start! I like how you introduce it at the beginning of the school year, but manage to avoid the normal approach to it, and the endless cliches which go with it. I liked, as well, how you used the senses in it - referring to sound and sight and things - which really helped to bring the station and the business alive. That being said, it was a bit odd to have Ivy say 'Simon Brown, if she wasn't mistaken'. If he's in her year, she'll almost certainly know who he is, I imagine, and since he plays Quidditch it's likely she'll recognise him, you know? Just a small thing, but it seemed a bit odd to me, so I thought I should mention it.

So far, I like Ivy's character as well. I think she's an interesting character, and I'm curious as to how you're going to develop her further. I thought it was really interesting how she was nervous about the barrier, being muggleborn (I assume), and how her mother wasn't, conversely. It was a really nice touch! I'm interested to see how you display her as having the necessary qualities and abilities to be Head Girl, since it's presumably a position chosen by the teachers.

I like Lily and Alice, as well, though it is something of a cliche to have an OC friends with Lily and Neville's daughter named Alice, but I think you avoided making it cliche, you know. I think it works well! I like how Lily is Quidditch mad, how Alice is quieter and less dramatic - it makes for an interesting group dynamic.

It was really good with the way you introduced the tension elements into it - with Albus, and something obviously having gone on there between him and Ivy - and Jimmy staring at Lily, and suchlike things. A nice hint of potential things to come ;)

So yeah, I thought this was a really good start - good grammar/spelling, no really odd phrases or anything which stood out, nice characters, great set-up, good writing... yeah, it's all good so far! :) Really good start - I really enjoyed reading it! :)

Feel free to re-request!

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much for leaving this review!

I see what you mean with the "if she wasn't mistaken" quote... you make a good point. I was meaing it more because Ivy isn't so big on Quidditch so it's good for her to know he's a beater... but I might look at re wording it.

I'm happy you seem to like all the characters so far... and happy that you seem to think I avoided the cliche's (I think?!) I don't want the story to be cliche. I know it probably is a bit to have Neville's daughter named Alice but yeah, I can't imagine her being called anything else.

I'm glad you picked up on those things as they will be important for later!

Thanks again for a great review, I found it really helpful to read your comments!

Lauren :)


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