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21 Reviews Found

Review #1, by awesomepotter Epiphany

6th April 2014:
So I'm here from the 'Review the Person Above You' thread on the forums, and can I say how impressed I was! Don't be discouraged about your writing, because the way you characterize Ron is absolutely perfect! You are clearly a very good writer when it comes to capturing what a character is really like at their core, so don't get discouraged!
Very well done again - it really was good!
awesomepotter xxx

Author's Response: Ah! Hi!!!

Thank you so much! Characterization is what I fear most when I write! So thank you for saying that!


Thanks for reading and reviewing too!



- Asphodel


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Review #2, by MyMyMiss Epiphany

7th March 2014:
Hi Aspohdel!

First let me just say, please don't ever be disheartened by what you have written, whether it is the first thing that you wrote to something brand new that shows your amazing writing skills. Never, ever and I mean ever discourage yourself with your writing, or anything you do. Just because one person doesn't agree with the way you characterized your stories, took a different spin in a story that a few people didn't like, does not mean that no one else will not love it - me for example. I loved this one-shot!!

you described everything beautifully and have me pulled in right from the start of the first line. Ron's characterization was perfect!! Completely perfect. His emotion was so raw and it made me feel like I was there watching his every move, you could in vision the scene of what he was doing and how he was feeling, because you painted the perfect picture for the reader to see.

I picked up on this little mistake here though.. 'Ron couldn't ignore the guilt of his jealousy over Harry stand in the way...' I think standing would perhaps sound a little better here! :)

But apart from that hun, well done on a brilliant executed story - you should be proud of this piece!!

Love,
MMM.

~Review battle blackout.

Author's Response: Hey, Karni! :D

It's hard not to, but I try not to let my disheartening completely get me down. :) Thanks for the encouragement! *hugs*


Ah!!! XD Thank you!!! I'm happy that you do!!! I'm glad to know you see what I've been trying to give the reader with this one-shot!


Ah... yeah, I know there's a lot of things in terms of grammar that I need to work on (that I am) with my old stories. ^_^ Perhaps when I get a chance, I'll fix those pesky errors. ;)



Thank you again - so much dear for the very kind comment! I'm glad that you enjoyed it! ^_^


And thank you so much for reading! :D




- Asphodel


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Review #3, by maraudertimes Epiphany

29th January 2014:
Hiya! Gryffie tag! :)

This was really sweet and I really love how you write these missing canon moments so perfectly!

Oh! Before I forget: "He didn't know the exactly where they were located." Just a slight typo, nothing major! :)

Anyways, this was really moving and I loved the emotions in this. You can definitely see where Ron realized his mistake and how the horcrux had a definite impact on him.

But I think my favourite part(s) was when he was thinking of Hermione. It was really sweet to see his memories and how she had been a major part in his life ever since fourth year, but how he felt that he wasn't in her league. It was really sad, but I think it was really quite in character, and I commend you for that! Just the fact that he sees her as such a beautiful and smart girl that deserves so much more than what he thinks he is was just heartbreaking but true, and I think you wrote his inner thoughts perfectly.

I really loved the ending. It was perfect and correlated perfectly with the story that Ron told Harry and Hermione in the books. I thought in all, this was wonderfully executed and your writing style is amazing!

Great job!
Lo:)

Author's Response: Hehe thank you so much! :D

Yeah, I enjoyed writing Ron's reflection of Hermione and just his inner turmoil. They are the best to write for me. :)


I know, when I do get the chance, I'll look over my stories and fix up all my grammar mistakes and spelling. ^_^


Thanks you so much for reading and reviewing! n_n



- Asphodel


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Review #4, by Secret Santa Epiphany

4th January 2014:
Yup. You've done it again, another diverse story just as compelling as your last ones.

I must admit something. I have a soft spot for Ron. He's not my go to character of choice when writing, but every time I do write him, I remember how much I like him. He's not perfect as a character, not by any rate, but he's not stupid either. It drives me nuts when people portray him as just a big, stupid sidekick.

So, I really like how you've shown him here. Yes, he made a mistake, but he knows it. I love how you show that he doesn't just accept Hermione's explanation of it being the necklace that caused him to do it. Yes, it amplified his feelings, but they were feelings he was already experiencing and harboring inside himself. He accepts that, owns up to it, and wishes he could make up for it.

I really love how you showed that it was that time away from Harry and Hermione that really caused Ron to realize he was in love with Hermione. So many people say they were shocked when Ron and Hermione ended up together, or that that kiss in Deathly Hallows came out of the blue, but I saw that relationship coming since book one and I was SO happy that I was right. To me, what you wrote here is just a very nice reasoning behind why Ron finally got the courage to act on his feelings. He grew up a ton in that last book and this shows it.

Your explanation for how the Dilluminator worked was also really cool. I've always wondered how such a little thing could bring Ron back to his friends.

Very cool story! Thanks for sharing, yet again. And I'm so glad you decided to put this back up. It takes a lot of courage to put your writing out into the world for people to read, and sometimes pick apart. It's like sending your baby off into a pack of wolves. So, please don't ever loose courage to do it, or feel like giving up. Just remember, you aren't the only one feeling like that.

*hugs*

Author's Response: Ah... you're too sweet my dear! ♥ too sweet! :D

Yeah, yeah! I do too! I can't seem to understand people's dislike for him and the way how they bash him either. It also drives me insane. :/

Ron has a purpose in the story like you have explained - and it's a shame that those who do not care for Ron do not see that. :(

But we both are here to shine light on our favorite Weasley (aside from the twins. :P)


Thank you so much for your support! :D You should know that I suck at reviewing myself as much as I suck at responding to reviews - but I still appreciate your words nonetheless! :D


- Asphodel


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Review #5, by ReeBee Epiphany

30th December 2013:
Hi again Asphodel!!

Review Tag this time!! :D

Anyway, awesome!! More missing moments!! Yay! I loved this! I really really like your writing style!!

My favourite was, "Hed do anything for Hermione and anything to erase the pain he caused her." So sweet!! Ah!

The whole thing was lovely! And the reminiscent memories! Aw! The only thing I would have liked to see was more description in these scenes? But, it was amazing even without :)

I really loved how there was no dialogue! It made it more personal and sweet that way! Great job!! :D

Can't wait to read more! :D

-ReeBee :)

Author's Response: Wow another review from you! Hehe! Thanks dear!

I'm glad you enjoyed it reading this! :D


Omg! My writing style? O.o Me? Swah? I don't feel like I have style but thank you deary! ♥

Thanks again for reading! :^D


- Asphodel


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Review #6, by love_is_magic_ Epiphany

26th November 2013:
I love it! Thanks for writing and sharing with the rest of us! keep it up!

You should check out my story too :D
love_is_magic_

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad that you do! :D

And... I don't see any stories on your page. o.O


Maybe perhaps... it's going through the validation process. ;)


- Asphodel


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Review #7, by quixotic Epiphany

17th November 2013:
Review Tag!

This was such a sweet one-shot. It really brought to light Ron's insecurities and dreams. I hat it when people begin to antagonize Ron for leaving Harry and Hermione because they fail to understand what he was going through. How he always felt second best to Harry to the point where Hermione, the love of his life, chooses to stay with Harry.
The story elegantly flows through the ages of Ron's life. I like how his Gryffindor characteristics shone through his insecurities. He wasn't as guilty for what he had said than the fact that he wasn't there to protect them. It shows how strong the trio's friendship and loyalty was.
Beautiful little one-shot. I'm glad you decided to put it back up :)

Author's Response: Yeah, I hate when people portray Ron as the back-stabbing character that they think he truly is - but NOT.

I love Ron and I'm glad to prove anyone else who doesn't think so! :P


Thanks for reading and reviewing! ^_^


- Asphodel


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Review #8, by Rumpelstiltskin Epiphany

11th November 2013:
I'm here from review tag.

Although this was short, it seemed to be the appropriate length for the story being told. Actually it gave me the opportunity to read it through twice so that I could write a more applicable review.

This is actually a very good in-depth look at Ron's emotions. I haven't had the opportunity to read many fanfictions featuring Ron so it was a nice break from the usual.

For this kind of story, I would expect that you had to really get inside the characters head and make certain connections with the character. Your ability to do that with Ron in this story has proven effective.

What stood out to me in this story, first of all, was actually the very first line "Ron felt so far away." This indicates Ron's disconnectedness on a multidimensional level, I believe. He has disconnected from his friends, his feelings, and ow to rationalize those feelings until he takes the time to do some self-reflecting. Furthermore, you tied this into the end, carrying it all the way through the story which I thought was lovely. Finally, the single line created the mood for the entire story. That's a lot to ask of a single line, but you did it. I'm impressed.

It's so sad that Ron blamed himself for Hermione's distress. I mean, he was a part of the cause but not to the extent of and reasons why he thinks it is! Poor Ron :(. It's a very strong, real emotion, guilt is. You used it very effectively and you broke my heart a little!

I just want to say that I had not noticed the lack of dialogue the first time I had read through this. It is actually quite a feat to create a story with such little dialogue. It worked very well for you here as this was more of a self-reflection than an interactive story.

Overall, I think you did a good job :).

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Omg, you really made me smile hun! :D Haha, thank you for your wonderfully sweet words and I'm glad that you enjoyed reading this! ^_^


Thanks for reading too and reviewing!

- Asphodel


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Review #9, by Illuminate Epiphany

9th November 2013:
Hi! Review Tag!

This is a really cute oneshot! I think you write Ron really well and put across his emotions skilfully. His guilt and love for Hermione comes across very well, and it feels geniune.

I like that he was only able to find them once he admitted to himself that he loved Hermione. It's an nice little tie-in with canon :)

Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks dear! I'm glad that you like it! ♥

Thanks for reading and reviewing! :D


- Asphodel


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Review #10, by Courtney Dark Epiphany

8th November 2013:
Tag!

I actually really enjoyed this one-shot, especially because it is set during a time I haven't read very much about. And for some strange reason, this one-shot also did a wonderful thing: it made me eager to get back into more fanfiction, which I have sadly not had much time for.

I really loved the glimpses of Ron's personality and is jealous thoughts that you showed us. They just seemed so, well, Ron! And I enjoy reading about HP missing moments, so this was really cool!

Nice job!

Courtney:)

Author's Response: Yay! I'm glad that you enjoyed it! ^_^

I am sorry that you don't have time to read fanfiction, but I hope that you will find the opportune time. ;)

Thanks for reading and reviewing! :D


-Asphodel


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Review #11, by AlexFan Epiphany

7th November 2013:
I am being completely honest when I say that I've never read any fanfiction, no matter what length, that focused on Ron leaving Harry and Hermione. This was my very first one and for a first time, this was a great way to start.

I like how you focused on Ron's feelings and showed the reader's the reason that he went back even though he never mentioned anything to Harry and Hermione (even though it was really obvious in the books).

You can tell that Ron really cares about Hermione, because as much as it hurts him to think that she'd rather be with anyone, even Harry, than him, he still wants her to be happy. I like that you showed the caring side of Ron.

A few things that I noticed was that your pace varied a bit throughout the chapter. It would be going at a leisurely pace and then it would pick up a lot. Sometimes it felt like I was reading a summary of someone's day, and other times it felt like I was actually in the story myself.

There were also a few typos that can be really easily fixed. They're not a really a big deal, they just interrupt the flow of the story a bit.

But other than that, this was a really good one-shot!

Author's Response: Thank you hun! ^_^ It's a very old one-shot. One day I'll take the time to redo it over, but I'm bummed with school and life. :)


Thanks for reading and reviewing! (n.n)


- Asphodel


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Review #12, by HollyStone73 Epiphany

7th November 2013:
This was really cute!! I liked this a lot! I have never read anything about Ron's time away from Harry & Hermione so this was pretty neat to read. I love how he is reflected on the times that they spent together and especially love how he feels that he is not good enough for her. Super cute while, of course still pretty sad. The description of the light going into his chest and how it cause him to feel calmer and more relaxed was just perfect. I like what you did here and enjoyed reading it!! :)

Author's Response: Hehehe! :D Ah, I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for lovely sweet words! I don't even know how to respond properly! XD


Thanks for reading and reviewing! ^_^


- Asphodel


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Review #13, by toomanycurls Epiphany

7th November 2013:
Hi!! I'm quite excited to read this - just from the title I got a sense of 'oooh, I should read that story.'

This was a beautiful read. I love how you parsed out Ron's thoughts about his feelings for Hermione, his friendship with Harry, and their hunt for the horcruxes.

You gave life to a bit of DH that wasn't explored in the books and made Ron seem so much more interesting than he ever seemed from Harry's POV.

I almost died of squee with the timing of his epiphany and Hermione saying his name. I could tell in the books that when he got back he definitely knew he had deeper feelings for her than he realized before he left. You made it just seem perfect here.

I'm glad you re-posted this. I totally get not feeling too strong about certain bits of work but it's interesting how the smallest of fics can impact people. This was quite powerful for me to read even being less than 1k words. The way it flows feels like water moving down river. It doesn't focus on too much detail but there's a great sense of movement and importance.

-Rose

Author's Response: Hehe thank you - you sweetest person you! :D Your words really made me smile! ^_^

Thank you for the very kind comment and thanks for reading! (n.n)



- Asphodel


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Review #14, by lindslo2012 Epiphany

6th November 2013:
This was absolutely perfect and beautiful! :D lol. I just loved it so much and I love how much Ron loves Hermione.. :)

Author's Response: Ah!!! Thank you! You're so sweet! Ah you made my night dear! ^_^


- Asphodel


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Review #15, by Lululuna Epiphany

6th November 2013:
Hi, review tag! :)

I was so happy to see you had a Romione story for the reading as I love them and am quite tired of only seeing her ever shipped with Malfoy. I think here you really captured that feeling of how they're meant to be together and this was a really nice little story and exploration to delve into that. I really like how canon you kept it and how it reminded me of that time in the HP books and how much I missed Ron during it along with Harry and Hermione! :P

I feel like you explored another side to Ron here which I quite liked. He's very witty and full of little quips in the books, but here he comes across as a lot more sensitive and emotional which I quite liked seeing. I love the part where Ron thinks about the things he loves about Hermione: she is so wonderful, and I think you could even expand on that and talk about other things he loves about her, since that was such a great moment. :) The only plot advice I would have is that I would love more - more description, or memories. This is such a great moment and I would have loved to read even more of it. :D

I noticed a few typos and unclear sentences in a few places, but a good re-read would help with those. For instance, in the first bit:
He didnt know the exactly where they were located. I think you have a rogue 'the' in there. And here: He pushed passed Hermione and ignored her hold I think it should be 'past.' And this sentence: Ron was the blame for that though; all he really ever did was made her cry, which probably might be his last memory of her if they never see each other again. I think it should be 'Ron was TO blame' and the tense should be 'if they never SAW each other again.' Again, these are just minor things and a beta or even reading it aloud to yourself (I do this all the time :P) might help catch those little things.

Overall this was a lovely little insight into Ron and what he might have been thinking after this betrayal. Like I said I love canon moments and characters like this so it was a lovely little read. :)

Author's Response: I'm glad to have provided a Romoine story for you. :) I cannot stand Dramione, no offense to those who do, and I am quite tired myself with so many stories of them and graphic requests over at TDA and I'm not even reading them. :P

I also agree that I miss the trio as well. ♥

I could have delved in deeper with the memories, but this was for a challenge over at another site so I didn't have enough time to really get in depth of Ron's reflection.

I will fix the grammars and such whenever I get the chance. ^_^ That is actually a good idea to do for my future stories. ;) Thanks!


Thanks so much for reviewing and reading!

- Asphodel


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Review #16, by academica Epiphany

6th November 2013:
Hello, here from Review Tag!

First off, kudos to you for being willing to jump back in the writing game despite your insecurities. I know it can be so tough to put yourself out there, and the first time I got a critical review it really got under my skin. I think you're absolutely right, though, that the key is recognizing potential areas of improvement and giving your talent a chance to grow.

I think "all along" is the perfect title for this story, because it's really what is so beautiful to me about Ron and Hermione's relationship; it grew out of friendship over time and they both needed those years to really appreciate one another. I can't imagine them ever separating again after this critical moment from canon.

It was interesting how Ron was haunted by his memories of Hermione and Harry while hiding out after having run away from them. I wonder how different the story might have been if Hermione had chosen to go with Ron instead of with Harry. Still, I'm glad Ron didn't let his guilt and tendency to beat himself up stop him from going back and admitting that he was wrong to leave. It was also neat how you described the warm ball of light calming Ron down as it swallowed him up.

I did notice a few typos scattered throughout this story, so you might want to go back and get a Quick Beta to take a look over it and help you polish it up in terms of the technical details. Otherwise, though, this was a great little one-shot!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Ah, thank you so much! And yes, it is great that it took years for Ron and Hermione to actually see what was right in front of them "all along" because in a way - JK Rowling showed that in real life that relationships does not come as easy as many immature teenagers believe. And it even taught me... or give an insight of how complex in some ways the world is.


That is an interesting thought - what would have happened if Hermione went with Ron... quite interesting indeed. Might take up on that one. :P


Yeah I know. Thanks for telling me thought! :D I'll work on it as soon as I can. :)

Thank you again for the very nice review and thanks for reading! ^_^


- Asphodel


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Review #17, by APerkins Epiphany

3rd November 2013:
Hello! You are responsible for the most amazing piece of artwork I have (also the only, but thats beside the point - Thankyou!)
As such it was exciting to get the opportunity to review for you in review tag. And it was a really really intriguing A/N you left. I was surprised because on first read through there is nothing wrong with the story. It is thought monologue, seems fairly well put together, and I've seen a lot worse.
all of which could fall into the category of d-ing with faint praise.
sorry. I realised that d word would probably trip of the censors after writing it, but then couldnt think of a better way to express myself.

Leave this up. It is NOT a bad story. If this is your "starting point" then that is something really really exciting! You have a great grasp of Rons character, and a good logical progression through his emotions.


what I loved about the A/N was that you actually want to improve from here. (It's something I can relate to - I keep reading my old stories and wanting to rewrite them!) I have read through your other reviews for this piece too, and one of them has picked up most of the little things that I only noticed on my second read through, so I wont repeat them :)
I do think that a monologue is hard to make "exciting" because it really is just the inner workings of somebodies head. This was easily interesting enough to keep reading. The way you structure your sentences can be a little cumbersome. (NB. hi kettle, my name is pot :P)

I dont know the technical explanation for the difference between
"Ron had never felt so far away"
and
"Ron never felt so far away"

but I am sure there is one. It makes it slightly easier to write if you put the whole passage into that tense (what ever it is)

It can also make it a lot easier for the reader. Particularly when you switch from "Ron had. "
to "Now that Ron thought about it..." - it creates a clear definition between the "current" past - the thinking he is doing now; and a distant past - the abandoning his friends, yadiyadah.

I know that someone who actually understands grammar will probably laugh at my attempt at explanation.

I think it also frees you up to write things like "Now that Ron had a chance to think about it."

I might be labouring a point a little long though.
Keep writing!!
I notice I have missed you in review tag, but whateva :) I enjoyed the opportunity to read and review your work! well done, I actually really liked it, so thankyou for putting it up!

Author's Response: Hehe wow! I know what you mean when you say my writing can at times be repetitive. :( I try so hard to not do that but somehow I end up doing it anyway. :/

I'll still try to look out for my future work. :) And plus... I don't know... I wrote this from last year... And I posted another one-shot -- the one with Peter Pettigrew... Not sure if I made any difference in my writing now then I did here. O.o

And thank you for your kind words! And - oh - sorry about that but I'm glad you reviewed anyway! ^_^


Thanks for reading and commenting again! :D


- Asphodel


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Review #18, by milominderbinder Epiphany

3rd November 2013:
Hey hon! Here from review tag :)

I really liked this! I thought you really got inside Ron's head and portrayed his emotions really well, You really captured his voice perfectly. I love everything you said about his and Hermione's relationship, and her significance in her life, it was super sweet and added so much depth to this moment.

I love that you've put this back up! It's really easy to get discouraged in your writing - this summer, I deleted my account on here that I'd had since 2009 with about 20 stories on it, because they were all a few years old and my writing just made me cringe. Even on my new account, rereading my writing that I've posted, I usually hate it and get really discouraged. But you're an awesome writer, and more importantly the more confidence and experience you have, the better you'll get! So I'm really pleased you decided to put this back up. It was a really nice read :)

Good luck with future writing and I hope you never lose faith in your abilities < 3

~Maia

Author's Response: Hey there! :D

Thank you very much for telling me that! I love my Ron! Hehe - it was amazing because at first I never thought of writing through his point of view or... he'll have his own single moment in the spotlight of his own fic. So this was a nice experience to go out of my box. ^_^

Wow? Really? Well... I won't know how your writing was like in the past, but you have come a long way then with your writing because your stories are absolutely amazing dear!

And very true. I'm hoping I'm gaining confidence as I spend more time at HPFF. :)


Thank you, and you too hon! I'll try not to lose confidence in my writing again (even though I said so a couple of times before.) I believe I mean it this time. ;)



Thanks for reading and reviewing! ♥


- Asphodel


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Review #19, by Cannons Epiphany

2nd November 2013:
Review Tag! :)

The banner :o wow.

You've written Ron really well, all his doubts are in there and I had no problem reading it.

This made me laugh at the end because I could only think about in the film where he touches his heart and makes that speech.

This is one of the most important moments in DH so it was nice to read about it, enjoyable.

I really don't know why you took it down! What did you think was wrong with it, I thought it was a great one shot.

I can't wait to read your nano fic if you manage to complete it.

:):):):)

the banner though is amazing!

Author's Response: Lol, thank you! I was amazed when I got the banner too. :P

Hehe yeah! That's great! And me too! I thought that as well when I reread this and put this back up.


Thank you dear - so much for your kind words!

I have issues with myself as far as terms with confidence in myself and writing. It's a long story - so I won't get into it.


Thanks for reading and reviewing and I'll try to get the NaNo story up ASAP!


- Asphodel


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Review #20, by 800 words of heaven Epiphany

29th October 2013:
REVIEW TAG!

I really enjoyed the way you wrote Ron and his feelings. It was very expository and there was no "flowery" language, which I think really suits him as a character.

I adore how you've shown just how big a part of Ron's life Hermione really is. I think you did that really well - it was all very sweet and adorable.

I also like how you wrote about his feelings of remorse and shame after he left Harry and Hermione. In the books we don't really get to see that side of Ron's story, except when he recounts it to Harry, which is not the same as what you did here.

Ron's fears about Hermione accepting him were very sweet and realistic. I like how you wrote his love like that - it isn't loud, and it is all-consuming in its own way, but he has priorities.

It's great that you tried something out of your comfort zone. There are a few spelling and grammar issues that I saw, but they're nothing that can't be fixed :) Well done for trying something new (I'm never really that brave with my writing).

Author's Response: Hehe, I'm glad you do! :D I never thought his character to be complex where I couldn't write him. :) (Well of course we read him and got to know him the books.)

It's weird because I ship Ron and Hermione but never really appealed to me as actually singling them out in a story. It was really nice to write because I still love Ron - he's awesome and I don't understand those who don't like him have to bash him. But to each its own.

And I know I do. Whenever I get the chance I'll fix it, but I'll just leave it be as a reminder of how far I came as a writer. ^_^


Thanks for reading and reviewing!


- Asphodel


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Review #21, by randomwriter Epiphany

26th October 2013:
Alishya :) Hello! You've done so much for me and it's only fitting that I help you out and leave you a review. You'd said in your Author's Note that you lost confidence and took this down. Don't feel discouraged. You should always be proud of your work, no matter what people say. You've put in so much effort and hard work into writing something, and as long as you love it, you should be happy with it. Nobody can take that away from you :)

Okay, now that I've gotten that bit out of the way, I must warn you that I do include a fair bit of critique in my reviews sometimes, but that isn't meant to discourage you. Please don't assume anything! I'm only here to help.

I really liked the idea behind this story. There is something appealing about reading a story revolving around a 'missing moment'. I'm glad you chose this moment because it was one of those actions that really made a huge difference to the trio, their relationship and the story, of course. I think Ron slightly matured after this, in fact :P

Your characterisation of Ron was pretty good, except in a couple of places. There were two bits where I believed that he didn't fit in with canon Ron. His thoughts seemed a little... well, not like himself. But apart from that, you've handled his thoughts and emotions really well.

I think the story flows well too. There's no odd point which perhaps shouldn't have been there or something else like that. However, there were a lot of grammatical errors that can hamper a reader's experience. I'll point out a couple, but I suggest you get someone to beta read this? If you just need some help (or some beta reading by someone without experience :P), I would be happy to help you, if you'd like.

Okay, so I found that you'd confused you tenses here and there in a few places (has/had, made/make, etc were interchanged). And some words were contextually incorrect (for ex. You'd probably be better off calling Fleur Bill's newly wedded wife, in stead of new-found wife, as the latter usually refers to discoveries and inventions). There were some sentences I'd consider re-phrasing because they were slightly odd.

Another example- He removed the horcrux, and he remembered as he left, her heard Hermiones distant cry and plead for him.- Hermione's distant cries and pleas for him. Or how about- "He had removed the horcrux and just left them behind, but he could still hear Hermione's distant cries and pleas pounding in his ears."

Okay, I won't point out anything else. But I'm certain you could make the corrections yourself after a quick read through. Having spoken to you, I'm sure you're capable of it :) If you really need some help, you could get it beta'd. Now, as I said, please don't feel discouraged. Your story is still great and I love your idea behind it. I think a little more description would enhance the flow and make it better. Over all, I really enjoyed this, and I'm happy I read it, but I think that it would benefit from an edit. Sorry if this comes across as harsh, Alishya, but I'm only pointing these things out so that you can make your story better! If you just edit it, let me tell you, you have a great story here! :)

Author's Response: Ah! Hey Adi! :D

Thank you for your wonderful critique. I know - I have to go back and edit... I still plan to, just focused on other things right now. :)

And I feel that I brought this up and left it the way it was because I want to look back on this and see how far I came (If I ever improve) - like stepping stones.

Again I still might come back and edit but as of now, I'll just leave this be. ^_^

I'm glad you like the unfilled moments too, because I enjoy writing it because it gives me a lot of muse as to how far I can take things. (n.n)


I'll not take down my stories again. I'll leave em be this time. ;)

And I'll try not to get discourage so much. (Forgive me I have a bit of a self-esteem issue but yeah.)

Thank you so much for your compliments, your support, and for reading and reviewing and it's no problem that I help you! =D I'm always be happy to help!


- Asphodel


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