12 Reviews Found

Review #1, by kenpo Hooked

5th February 2014:
Hiya! Here for the 'Claw Battle.

As I'm reading this, I'm really enjoying the voice. It's very informally written, in a very pleasant way. Each line adds to James' characterisation, which is a really great thing that you've done.

I really like the bit about that his potions marks were scraping the bottom of the cauldron. It's lines like that one that really bring the story to life in the context of the Wizarding world.

And do you not have the brains to know that you have to be quiet in the library.(?)" She

Haha, I can relate to having older siblings who are less responsible...

I like the repetition that he's Captain of the Quidditch team. He's very fixated on that, isn't he? He's got quite a high opinion of himself.

"Yeah James? Don't tell me I'm late! Or...your early?!?!
you're you're you're!!

Okay, I really liked this. I didn't think it was at all too quick or two fluffy! Perfect length for the perfect amount of fluff! Other than a few mistakes here and there, I thought it was very nice.

Again, I liked the voices throughout. You defined the characters very well, and I liked the brief mentions of Fred, it hinted at a life beyond the library.

And I thought the kissing scene was sweet and, again, defined Chelsea's characterisation very well.

Nice one-shot! I enjoyed it!

Author's Response: Hi kenpo!

Thank u!! *desperately wants a bear hug emoticon*

Thank u for that! I wasn't really sure about that analogy, but Im glad it worked out!

Hehe! :D Yeah, he is! James to me will always be adorably arrogant!

Haha, you must be so tired of my grammar mistakes! I will definitely fix that! Cant believe that missed my last edit!

Thank u!! :D Haha, yeah, life beyond the library ;) Thanks again! It is one of my older pieces that I can only look at once I prepare my self! I will work on it once I build up the courage to go for another visit!

Thank u! :D

-Curie :)


 Report Review

Review #2, by Secret Santa Hooked

25th December 2013:
Before I begin, I just wanted to apologize for these reviews being so late. I had them nearly finished and ready to post, when my computer crashed. (Just in time for the holidays…yay…) Now that I am at home for Christmas, I conned my sister into letting me use hers so I could get your reviews posted. I apologize again. I will try to make your final present extra special to make up for the lateness.

I really liked the contrast between the first two paragraphs of this story. How the first is so descriptive and slightly melodramatic, while the second is all “what the heck is wrong with me that I am thinking these thoughts?” I just found it to be a really good introduction to James’ character and to the story in general.

I love that Chelsea shot him with a Jellylegs Jinx. What an arrogant prat! He totally had that coming.

I would have liked to see the relationship between James and Chelsea develop a bit more, and a bit more interaction between the two of them. Things seemed to move kind of fast from him being a jerk to them being in love. It would also be really interesting to see some things from Chelsea’s perspective.

I thought you did the last scene really nicely. I thought James trying to practice what to say was really cute, and I loved that Chelsea had all the power and definitely knew it. I thought you wrote that scene really well.

Overall, this was a nice, fluffy, story.

Author's Response: Don't worry about it!! It's no problem! Your reviews totally made my week! They were so super nice to read!! :D

Thanks so much! This was my first fanfic and it's pretty rough (writing style, plot flow). So all the compliments are wonderful!!

Yeah- I'm hopefully working on my characterisation during one shots. I just can't get it right! But, I will try! I get what u mean though :)

Thanks so much! It was my unsure scene. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to pull it off well!

Thanks again Santa! This is so sweet and definitely worth the wait! :D

-Curie


 Report Review

Review #3, by BitterSweetFlames Hooked

15th December 2013:
Hello, my darling Curie..
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this one-shot.. Particularly because James is such an interesting and complex character (even though it comes across how he doesn't want to be complex and full of depth, hahaha)
Anyway, I loved your OC. She's strong, smart and full of sass, just the type you'd imagine a guy like James is would fall in love with have fun spending time with.
Anyway, there are a few typos here and there but nothing that detracted from the entire piece so well done.
I'm not really good at CC but if you ever need help, we could always talk anyway, right? Love you, baby girl. Well done. Next moment I have free, I'm definitely reading the sequel.

--Carla

Author's Response: Aw, Carla! You're such a sweetie!

The compliments!! I've read them at least fifteen times since yesterday and they haven't once failed to make me smile! I've just gotten a beta, so hopefully those will be fixed soon :) And the reason you have trouble with CC is that you're way too nice!!

Aw, love u too, dear! Haha, the sequel... good luck with comprehending that, so not my best work ;)

-Curie :)


 Report Review

Review #4, by smitlikesllamas Hooked

9th December 2013:
Review swap is so fun. :)

This was cute! The story was fun, and I liked reading it from James' perspective. This kind of story is almost always from the girls perspective, but I always like to read it from the boy's, because it give the reader a fresh point of view, which is always nice.

I liked how honest James was. "It was a challenge." Normally, the character would deny that it was a challenge, but not James. He's honest with himself. "And then I really started to like her." Especially with a story told from a boy's POV, this is really refreshing. Almost every male character denies his feelings for a little bit. But James never did. As soon as he started to like her, he admitted that to himself, and even to his friends, which is even more rare.

All in all, it was a pretty good story!

There were a few mistakes in this that I found: a missing comma, a place where there should have been a period rather than a comma, various things like that. An example: "I internally sighed, did she know how close to hitting home she was with the beautiful and..." I think there should be a period rather than a comma after 'sighed'.

There were also a couple of typos. "shied" instead of "shield", etc. These will be an easy fix with a quick read-through.

There were also a couple places where a paragraph should have been split into two different paragraphs. When two people are talking, the dialogue is always in two different paragraphs.

Just fix those mistakes and this will be perfect! :D

~smit

Author's Response: Hi smit! Thank u so much for the fantabulous review!

Actually, I just got a beta, so hopefully the typos will disappear of the face of this earth ;)

I am speechless, i really don't know what to say... Please don't take the short response as an offence :)

Yes, review swaps are awesome!! :D U find out about so many amazing stories and authors! :)

-ReeBee :)


 Report Review

Review #5, by smitlikesllamas Hooked

9th December 2013:
Review swap is so fun. :)

This was cute! The story was fun, and I liked reading it from James' perspective. This kind of story is almost always from the girls perspective, but I always like to read it from the boy's, because it give the reader a fresh point of view, which is always nice.

I liked how honest James was. "It was a challenge." Normally, the character would deny that it was a challenge, but not James. He's honest with himself. "And then I really started to like her." Especially with a story told from a boy's POV, this is really refreshing. Almost every male character denies his feelings for a little bit. But James never did. As soon as he started to like her, he admitted that to himself, and even to his friends, which is even more rare.

All in all, it was a pretty good story!

There were a few mistakes in this that I found: a missing comma, a place where there should have been a period rather than a comma, various things like that. An example: "I internally sighed, did she know how close to hitting home she was with the beautiful and..." I think there should be a period rather than a comma after 'sighed'.

There were also a couple of typos. "shied" instead of "shield", etc. These will be an easy fix with a quick read-through.

There were also a couple places where a paragraph should have been split into two different paragraphs. When two people are talking, the dialogue is always in two different paragraphs.

Just fix those mistakes and this will be perfect! :D

~smit

Author's Response: Thank u smit! I have just got a beta :) So, hopefully those typos will disappear of the face of this earth ;)

And thank u for the heaps of compliments!! :D I am speechless :D I'm so sorry, please don't take the short response as an offence, I really loved the review! :D

And I do agree! I love Review Swaps! :D You find out about so many amazing stories!!! :D

-ReeBee :)


 Report Review

Review #6, by Cannons Hooked

9th December 2013:
Hey, I'm here with your requested review. I like reviewing.

oh-kay. I can tell this is your first fic as you have improved since then. I don't mean that in a bad way but you had some odd phrasing and some weird sentence structuring in here. Nothing that a beta can't sort out though, so it's all good. I can't really talk either, if you go to my page and read my first fic, it's defiantly worse then this so I congratulate you!

Your small mistakes didn't take anything away from the story though, I was just aware of them because I was specifically comparing your writing to some of your other work. Okay so that's out of the way, just get a quick beta and your good to go, no problems.

I'm just going to mention some specific points that stuck out to me whilst reading.

You said you were worried that he sounded to girl like in your area of concern, well you blew that out of the water straight away with this remark. - ' After all, she was no one. ' - although I think that's a bit unfair on guys, as it's a tiny bit stereotypical I feel that's good characterisation of a guy.

' "I know I'm just sooo beautiful. And you probably want to sh*g me on the spot but, seriously, characteristics of Amortentia??" ' as funny as that line and as realistic as it probably is, I enjoy fanfic most when they sort of stick to J.K's 'keep it clean' no swearing etc. however you did just have me burst out laughing as that was so unexpected. That escalated quickly.

'' Chelsea Bell was the girl. She was also my part time tutor. A smirk came to my face as I thought about how she had come to be in this position. '' - This line was brilliant, it seems like he's being really sincere and then he ruins it a little. :D

This was also a nice little line, which clearly had some thought put in to it. - '' My potions grades were currently scraping the bottom of the cauldron ''

God. as I'm reading through this, I'm cringing at the sheer arrogance and self confidence he has. He is so confident. Or cocky.

HAHA he got what he deserved! - ''I chuckled, "You helped me. I will help boost your popularity, wear some nice clothes" I added a wink for added effect.

She looked appalled. Suddenly I was on the ground due to a very well executed Jelly-Legs Jinx. "Grow up Potter! Not everyone wants to snog you! I helped because I wanted to. I don't need anything in return, least of all, I don't need, nor do I want, you!" '' - I'm glad he's been brought down a peg.

haha, they've got some banter!

So I'm thinking that his motives are entirely wrong, seems like all she's good for is homework and kissing! I think you've got his outward appearance, full of cockiness and male bravado so he defiantly comes across 'manly' (for lack of a better word) but when you contrast it with his thoughts they come across a little feminist at times, because the contrast is so great. It quite humorous when reading and personally I enjoyed that part.

'' Bleeding perfect?!?! '' - little things like that, a beta will bring it up though so don't worry.

Hahaa he gets his prize in the end, I'm curious as to why she tastes like strawberry and mint though. An intriguing combination.

There was just one line in the whole thing that I didn't get which was this one - ''I had also seen them laugh like the tinsel that Mum and Lily put up at Christmas each year.'' - Maybe it's just because it's late and I'm missing something entirely I don't know :L

Anyway I hope this helps you in some way, you have a good start to writing and one that you can build on easily. You know how things work know as you've been here a while so your writing will only improve, all the 'issues' I've brought up are just simple ones that a beta will catch, nothing drastic. You should be proud of this one shot and I'm sure you'll read it again and see how much you've grow since this.

As I said it's late so hope this makes sense to you :)

Cannons

Author's Response: Cannons! Need I even tell u how sweet that review was?

Actually, I'm quite surprised that you've read my other work. My novella is spinning way out of my control... Anyway, thanks for the compliments :)

And I'm so sorry! I meant no offence! It was just a character flaw that stuck out to me when I first thought of James' character- arrogant and stuck up. I go to an all girls school- so the only male interactions are with family thats why I wanted you to check over (for obvious reasons). After all, how could I stereotype when you've been perfectly lovely?

Oh my god, I'm blushing as I read through the quotes you've used from the story. I REALLY need to go back and edit.

Thanks so much, I'll go get one immediately :)

Thanks again! The sweetest things are in that review :)

Haha, u should really get some sleep! What is with this site and sleeplessness... ;) just kidding :) Not about the sleep part though...

-ReeBee :)


 Report Review

Review #7, by milominderbinder Hooked

2nd December 2013:
Hi hon! I'm here from the Ravenclaw review battle :D

I really liked this! I thought it was very sweet, with lovely funny moments. I think this is one of the first stories I have read on the archives which is from a boy's POV so that was very fresh and interesting - and I think you captured it really well and pulled it off successfully! James' voice was great, very original and funny, and pleasing to read. It was great following his views of everything that happened!

You write great dialogue! That's something I really struggle with haha so I'm very impressed by how natural you managed to make it sound. Though you had more dialogue than description, in the places where you did have description it was lovely too :)

I really did like Chelsea. OCs can be a bit hit and miss in stories like this I find, but she was fresh and fun, I found her interesting and enjoyed reading about her. I was really rooting for them to get together which doesn't always happen so well done! I loved her characterisation :) I liked how sarcastic she was at moments, she really did seem like a match for James!

I did notice a couple of typos and grammar mistakes. But it wasn't all the time and I feel like it wasn't enough that it pulled me out of the story, so it's not a huge issue. A good idea might be to get a beta - you could go in the 'quick beta' thread in the forums - and just ask them to check this over for spelling and grammar, and you could update it when you get a chance. But other than that it was lovely!

Overall well done, this was a super sweet and really fun read!

~Maia

Author's Response: Oh my god Maia!! That was so sweet!! Like, seriously, I saw this review this morning (for me, so about 12 hours back), but it took me so long because I kept on reading it over and over!!

It was just about the only review I've gotten with CC and still made me feel like an awesome author! I did feel that u are way too nice, though! I love your CC, and will look to getting a beta, asap.

Thanks again,
ReeBee


 Report Review

Review #8, by Lululuna Hooked

29th November 2013:
Hello, I'm here from review tag! :)

This was a really sweet story, and a great first story on the archives! I really liked James' narration here, he was so amusing and quirky, and I was definitely rooting for him and Chels to get together. It's refreshing to read a story set in the male character's POV as many stories I read are set from a girl's POV, so that was a nice touch and I think you gave James a strong characterization here. I liked his very boyish joking around with his mates, and his internal dialogue was quite amusing. When he was talking about using the word "wooed" and using "olden day speak" as he calls it to "woo" Chelsea I giggled a little. :)

You have some really lovely description here, and I would have actually loved to see a little more description to flesh out the dialogue in some places. :) The references to Chels' eyes being like tinsel was so beautiful and compelling. Here: Tinsel and summer storms mixed with the lightening. This is such a cool use of imagery, and I really enjoyed reading it.

Chelsea seems like a great character too in how she gives sass right back to James and doesn't give in to his charms, but makes him like her genuinely. The studying together was very sweet, and I like the whole kitten into a teacup idea - although if it were me I probably would have just wanted to play with the kitten! :) James is kind of a jerk at the beginning of the story with his bragging about girls and treatment of them, and it was nice to see him change and be more respectful.

A few typos:
"Chelsea" she shot me a look. - missing a period here.
has a 'pearly sheen'" - also missing a period here. I noticed a few other sentences missing punctuation, but that's easily fixed. :)

"Not your brightest idea James, you're dead if she finds out." Al stated. You might already know this and it's easy to miss when reading your own work, but dialogue like this should have a comma after the word "out" instead of a period. It's not relevant in this sentence because the dialogue is followed by a name, but usually the letter following the quotation mark should also be a lower case letter. I.e.: "I'm tired," the girl said.

Another idea would be to expand the story a little more, give some backstories and identities to the other characters, and balance James and Chels out a little more. But I saw that you have a sequel one-shot on your page, so I'm sure that gave you that chance. :) Another thing to think about is to balance out the dialogue, particularly at the end, with description to flesh it out. You write description so beautifully, and complementing the dialogue with description would help take the story to the next level, in my opinion.

This was a lovely one-shot, and I look forward to reading more of your work! :) I hope this review was helpful as you asked in the AN, and I think you did an amazing job of your first story! :)

Author's Response: Thank u so much! The review was amazing! I don't think I've ever gotten a review that had so many complements! :D Yeah, this story was terrible for punctuation and spacing, etc. I hopefully have improved on that :)

Yeah, I guess that in thinking so much about Chelsea before actually writing the story, I forgot that the readers don't know about her :) I will definitely work on that :) I'm so glad u liked James' characterisation! I was quite scared about him being really girly! I've read a few stories when the guy's really girly, and it's a bit awkward… I really love writing from a boys's POV, girl's is comfortable, but a guy's is so much more fun! :D

Thanks again for the amazing and way too sweet review! :) It was really the sweetest thing that's happened today :)


 Report Review

Review #9, by lindslo2012 Hooked

23rd November 2013:
Wow this story was so good!
I need to write a next generation, they just look so much fun to write!

Author's Response: They totally are!! Thanks so much! :D

 Report Review

Review #10, by harrietm Hooked

27th September 2013:
Naw this story is too ca-ute! Really good writing; dialogue and characterisation was great! The only typo I noticed was shied instead of shield, but otherwise great job :)

Author's Response: Oh my goodness!! Thank you so much!! It's really made my day :)

Eurgh! Typos, I'm really careless with them...and punctuation and English as a whole really ;)

Ii have had a request for a sequel, what do u think?? And do u possibly have any ideas?? Thanks so much for reviewing!! And favouriting the story!!


 Report Review

Review #11, by Harry and Ginny Hooked

27th September 2013:
loved reading this one-shot! can you do a sequel please? the pairing is great and I loved reading how James was trying not to think he was starting to fancy Chelsea... great job on your first fic ever!^_^

10/10

Harry and Ginny

Author's Response: Oh my god!! Thanks so much!! It's literally a dream come true!!

I would love to ! Is there any particular thing u would like to happen? I would love to hear from u again :)


 Report Review

Review #12, by Mistress Hooked

27th September 2013:
Hi there! I saw your review on DTTT so I thought I would pop over and have a look. It really makes me sad I don't have as much time as I used to for reading fanfic, but I was delighted to see it was the perfect chapter to read during an afternoon at work. So alas, here I am!

I am so proud you posted a story here! It is really a great community of writers and practicing with fanfic is such a great gateway to other things like original fic, poetry, formulaic essays, etc. Trust me.

It's a wonderful start. You clearly have a set idea of how you want your characters to be and how you want them to react to each other. You can see your story and I can tell that through your writing, which is so important. You can see Chelsea's eyes and the Quidditch pitch and the library. That's amazing!

I do have a few suggestions for future chapters. Keep practicing and you'll be even more amazing than you already are!

Have a look at your grammar/punctuation before submitting. You were ace with your spelling, but I noticed several times there should have been commas ... especially tagging dialog. Like "Hey, loser," he said. I also think it's easier on readers with fanfic if you separate speakers into different paragraphs so readers aren't confused as to who is talking.

Also, be careful not to fall into common traps. A lot of times it's easy to just make James this swaggy Quidditch captain who woos all the ladies and the OC into a sassy girl that doesn't take anyone's crap. And this story is so short that it's hard to branch out from that. For example -- James in BTQC is the Gryffindor Captain and pretty arrogant, but he also has this huge heart. Because I picked a novel, I was able to showcase his pink pygmy puff, V-Card, family issues, etc. All of the things that make him different from the "cliché" James that floats around the forums. I put "cliché" in quotes because I don't believe in it, but this is for example purposes. So I think in the future, it's important to think about what makes your James or Fred or whomever different from mine or other author's? Same with your OC. She has a lot of sass, but I don't know much else about her. You can even drop hints in dialog. I love that she has spunk and jelly-legs-jinxes James for getting lip. That's brilliant!

I think the kissing scene felt a touch out of place. Not because it wasn't good -- it was fine. Just because the pacing of the story was so fast, and then it almost halted at that part. I was caught off guard by how fast Chelsea went from being annoyed with James to snuggling up to him at the library. Then they were kissing, which took up several more sections than it should have with the pacing. But it was fine content-wise.

I just felt like this was the kind of story where you want more. It's brushing the surface of these two characters. And I think that if you ever do edits or add on... I would think about how James treats other people and how fast Chelsea forgave his bad attitude and pompousness. I think she would be a little more Ryan Davies a la "Hormones" in that they have to prove themselves a little more than a few lines of dialog to get on her side. Especially when internally James says "she was a nobody" or whatever that line was -- you're showing the reader that James thinks there is a big difference between being somebody and being nobody. Especially when he offers to boost her popularity. I know it is deemed as a joke, but it gives us a little insight onto how he jokes and how he sees people other than those at the top...

Anyway, just a few thoughts from breezing through your lovely story at work today! I'm very happy I was able to inspire you to get into James/OC and I am seriously super proud of you for posting a story! I hope you continue to write and post more!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!! It really means so much! Seriously, made my day!!

The comments really helped, I should get more into writing, I'm thinking of working on a novella,whenever I try to get started on a novel, I never finish. So, yeah. I've picked up on the punctuation, English was never a strong point of mine. It's just a passion. I really need to keep an eye on that.

And I've never really read next gen, I should really read more. I was always into marauders and Oliver wood. Due to my lack of next gen knowledge, I'm not really sure about cliches, especially with James. But I will keep an eye out. I'm currently reading 30 days of you and me, it is amazing. I'm in love with Scorpius!!

Thank you so much!! The review was really useful! I'm really excited you read my one shot! Hope you had a good day at work :) Thank you again.


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login