Reading Reviews for The Augury and the Ecstasy
  
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Snow Field

25th September 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I think this chapter works as an intriguing set up to your story. Your writing ha a nice flow to it, and I like how you gradually dole out details about Hunter over its course.

"But maybe that's because I am sweating. Profusely sweating." The second sentence here just feels a bit off. I might get rid of it and end the first sentence with a metaphor; "I am sweating like a ..." ? I like your earlier "circuit breaker in the sky" metaphor. Too many metaphors might get old, but I think adding one more would enhance Hunter's voice rather than seeming tired.

The only plot detail I found slightly off is that Fudge came to fetch him to Hogwarts. I would think Hagrid or another teacher like McGonagall would be given that assignment. You don't mention when this takes place, but the only period I can think of when Fudge may have gone on such an errand would be during 5th year, when Dumbledore is in hiding and Umbridge runs the school.

I really like the last sentence in this chapter, "There is no fear in my heart. Just blood and noise." I also like Hunter's voice overall. He seems believable for someone who has had a rough life.

Good start, so far! :)

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Review #2, by toomanycurls Snow Field

7th September 2013:
This reads very Hunger Games (I'm guessing that's on purpose. If it's not/you haven't read Hunger Games, you should it might give you great inspiration for this style writing).

The last sentences in the first paragraph might read better with ellipses between them instead of periods. It would flow a little better with the punctuation.

Is the paragraph that starts with "I was standing in a field of fresh snow..." supposed to be a flashback? If not, it's in the wrong tense.

I really like your dialogue. It fits the dreamy state you're describing and flows really well.

I like the mysterious feel about the chapter and the character. I might have missed it but it might be good to work in who the character is in the narrative. You do a great job explaining aspects of the person without really saying the person's name.

I do think it's written well. It definitely grabbed my attention. Re-request when you post again. I'm curious to see where the story goes.

Author's Response: The paragraph in the past tense is the reoccurring dream that he keeps having -- so I guess I should make that a little clearer. Your suggestions are really helpful, I'll go back through and do some editing. Thanks so much for the review!

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