Reading Reviews for Things I Said
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by keyty Trouble

1st March 2014:
Hello there, here with your requested review.

Right off the bat I can tell it's a tense situation. I really feel for James, and the emotions are very real. I really like the story line and I think you've executed it pretty well. I think your characterization is pretty accurate -except I do think it would have taken Lily a bit longer to give in. But that's just my personal opinion, what you have now is fine too.

As far as the flow, I think it seems a bit fast paced. Remus's memory threw me off a bit because it went from 3rd person to 1st person very suddenly. I would recommend keeping it in 3rd person. I also think it would be better to have Remus's memory at the beginning. Since you're not exactly hiding what's going on, in my opinion, it would flow better that way. Something else you could do to help with the flow is put some filler scenes in there. Instead of having the "2 weeks later", show those two weeks pass. Show James's pain before he gets Lily to take him back. Show how Lily is feeling through all of this. Show the Slytherins, proud and triumphant. Show the rest of the Marauders feeling helpless around James, wishing there was something they could do. Right now you just kind of jump from scene to scene, but if you add some of those bits in there, it could make this a much stronger piece.

I'm also kind of interested to see what James said, so you could throw that in as well.

This last bit is mostly just a pet peeve of mine, so disregard it if you'd like. There is a lot of space between each paragraph, which kind of threw me off at first. It's a quick fix, but totally optional!

Overall I do like this a lot. My favorite part is the first scene where James is so broken and punches the wall. I can totally see him doing that and my heart just breaks for him. I think you have a great start here and with just a bit more content you could make it even better.

If you decide to add more scenes, feel free to PM me for more feedback :)

Author's Response: Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to do this! :)

I'm glad you liked my characterization--this was my first try at Marauders and I was super worried about them not seeming to mesh very well!

I've gotten that comment a lot--the plot moving very quickly--and I haven't had time to fix it and slow it down some yet, as this was for a challenge and I've been busy doing other things. Putting in those two weeks is a great idea, thank you!

I debated about whether or not I wanted to put in what James said but decided not to; we'll have to see if I feel like it'll contribute to what the story means later on. I loved that scene--probably one of my favorites to write. :)

Thank you SO much for this awesome review! I will definitely get back to you once I've edited this and reposted it. :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #2, by FredAndGeorgeWeasleyMischief Trouble

4th February 2014:
AH I LOVE JILY! This was really well written!! You should do some more Marauder stories for sure!

Author's Response: Hi Kylee (: This was my first try at Jily! I'll eventually get some more Marauder stuff written in the distant future… :P
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #3, by Cavell Trouble

25th December 2013:
I will start off by saying I am unbelievably sorry about how long I took to get to this review! In fact, you probably don't even remember requesting it, it was that long ago :( Nevertheless, I am finally here with your review, and I hope it's long enough to make up for how long it took to get to you.

I'm just going to start with that I love Lily/James. As in it is my OTP of all time and space and I was just really happy to read this, like you would have thought I was totally insane because I was grinning through the whole thing :'D Your Lily and James were simply so in character that I just couldn't help adoring them and this one-shot in general -- the Coldplay lyrics weren't an unwelcome touch, either ;) I did think it would have been nice to talk about what they were fighting about earlier on in the chapter to make it less confusing, but that's just me being easily confused. The overall flow of the chapter was also good but I think it would have been less messy to actually write out them going to the Room of Requirement etc. to prevent too many breaks and all, but that's just me.

The Marauders themselves were very in character, which I definitely enjoyed, as did your inclusion of Peter! While I hate him for what he does in the future, it just seems odd without him. Also, the flashback was a little choppy -- while it did explain a lot for the story, something about it was just off, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I think an explanation of why the Slytherins had to be leaders of the school would have helped as that confused me a bit too. Another thing I noticed was that the breaks in time seemed off as well, but it wasn't anything too noticeable.

All in all though, this was an interesting idea for a one-shot and I did enjoy reading it, and as far as I could see, there weren't any mistakes in grammar or spelling, so well done! The plot was rather original too as was the whole idea of the one-shot since you so rarely see problems between Lily and James after they get together, so good job on that too! Thanks for requesting and sorry again for the long wait!

Author's Response: No worries about the time, real life can get in the way sometimes. :)

This was my first ever try at writing Marauders, so I really wanted to make sure I did it well and as close to canon as possible with the situation I gave them. I didn't really want to reveal what it was they were arguing about because that would've sort of jipped the ending with James explaining the reason for everything. But your pointing it out does make me kind of want to reconsider. ;)

There's no way I wouldn't have included Peter just because of his future actions! He was still a close friend to all of them even after they finished at Hogwarts so why keep him out? As I've gone back and looked over this, I did realize I kind of forgot to explain that part. Basically, it's the beginning of the first wizarding war so the Slytherins want to be in charge so that theoretically, Voldemort could have control of the school, kind of like how it happens in the next generation.

I'm so very glad you thought my idea for it was original! I'm very picking with my grammar and spelling, so it's good to know I didn't miss anything. Thank you very very much for the very long and detailed review! :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #4, by MissesWeasley123 Trouble

25th December 2013:
Hiya Madi! Merry Christmas!

Marauders! Woohoo! I'm in awe of anyone brave enough to write them, because I know I wouldn't be able to. Their characters are known but just so different and difficult to write. But you pulled them off exceptionally. I specifically liked Remus. You treated him with such amazing care. I loved it.

I liked the way you started off, because it immediately had me sucked into the story. I wanted to know what was happening and why, and to be honest, any author that can make a reader question out of curiosity had done their job right. So great work.

I really like this song, and you used the lyrics given really well. Perfectly woven into the story. The only CC I could give you is to maybe add in a bit more detail into what's happening. Some parts were vague, as to what was going on and stuff. Otherwise it was really nicely written.

I liked the strong character you gave Lily, and she was very well characterized. All in all, nicely written! Happy holidays!

Author's Response: This was honestly my first try ever at writing Marauders era so I really took time to figure out exactly what I wanted to happen so all I really had to do was describe it. Remus has a bit of a special place in my heart, just because he's been through so much so he deserves some love!

With the song I was given for this challenge, I really tried my best to incorporate the lyrics well so thank you for saying I did that well! Now that I go back and look at it, some parts are a bit vague, so that will probably be changed in the future. I just didn't have quite enough time before the challenge deadline so I figured I'd get everything I could in and then go back later. :)

Thanks for the wonderfully amazing review! :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #5, by marauderfan Trouble

14th November 2013:
Hi there! I'm here with your much delayed requested review!

I liked the way you started out - it was raw and powerful and definitely drew me into the story! And the following scene was really nice, I like the way you wrote the friendship between the Marauders as they're all there for James to help him out. I like your characterisation for all of them, it seems solid.

In terms of plot believability/holes... maybe this was just me but I wasn't quite sure what had happened and what Malfoy's intention was. I think it'd be helpful to have a little explanation of what Malfoy did or what happened to James. It went straight from James and co. guessing about what it could be, to Remus knowing what had happened and I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Also, why couldn't he help James when he found out what was going on? I think just a few more details in that section would be really helpful.

The ending was really ominous and vague at the same time, which was neat. I liked that you ended form Lucius's POV, although I still wasn't quite sure why he needed their future son for anything. It makes him sound like a Seer - is that intentional? (actually now I notice that one of the genres is labelled as "mystery" - so maybe I shouldn't be asking, lol!)

That aside, though, I think this is a great piece. I hope I haven't been too critical, because I did like it! You've packed a lot of emotion into it and kept the tone mysterious and dark, with some cute stuff thrown in there at the end when they make up. Great work on this, I enjoyed reading it!! :)

Author's Response: Don't worry about your "lateness", real life has to happen sometime! :)

I just realized that I had completely forgotten the in between scene, as I had written it somewhere else so that will be in once it's been updated! I was also made aware of the 5-year difference between Malfoy and the Marauders, so his character will most likely be changed.

This was my first try at writing the Marauders, so I'm very ecstatic you think I characterized them well! :D This was obviously for a challenge but I absolutely love writing dark/mysterious stuff (if you couldn't tell from my novel) so this was a blast!

Thank you very very much for this review, I will definitely be back for more! :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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Review #6, by toomanycurls Trouble

14th November 2013:
Hi!! I saw your post and decided to come check this out! I entered into the same challenge.

I love the emotional intensity you start off with - it's quite jarring but fits so well with the emotions from the song.

*sigh* James' friends are there to pick him up in the morning. I like the concern and frustration Sirius displays.

You really weave the idea of a spider web into the story well. Parts of it felt as if I was turning the corner on a spider's web and the world was oriented a bit strangely.

I do feel like a bit more information woudl be helpful between the section where James is in the RoR and Remus goes into knowing about the intent/plot from Malfoy. If Remus knew it why didn't he try to help James? Why did he try to warn Lily?

The story ends quite nicely with him explaining what happened. I love the idea of them having their own secret/private place. it just sounds so exciting and romantic to have.

A couple of canon things were off in this story (which is okay and it didn't ruin the plot at all) but Sirius made it kind of plain that they didn't know about or use the Room of Requirement when they were in school. And, Malfoy is at least 5 years older than James' class starts school (as he's a prefect at the time).

I really like how well the story plays into the lyrics and song you had! I listened to the song while reading this and it made the story so much more powerful.

-Rose

Author's Response: Oh thank you! I will definitely go check your entry out as well. :) I knew I had forgotten to put that scene in there…that's what I get for writing it in a different place! *bangs head on desk* I'll make sure to put it in there! Thank you for catching the Malfoy thing-I completely forgot as I just needed an antagonist and that's all that I could think of at the time! I'll go change that with some younger person. :) I basically listened to this song on repeat whenever I was writing for it, and listened very carefully to the lyrics. I loved the song already so I was excited to get it for the challenge!

Thank you for the fantastic review! :)
~MadiMalfoy x


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