Reading Reviews for Finally Mine
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Finally Mine

2nd November 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I like Kyra's energetic voice. I also like that you don't reveal her situation with Albus right away, you just show that she is upset with him. :)

Watch out for occasional sentence fragments like this one: "The huge dark trees which formed part of the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid's hut at its edge." This sentence just needs a subject at the beginning to be complete.

There are a few minor typos, but the only major spelling issue is that you write "bestfriend" as one word. I've only ever seen it written as two separate words.

This is my favorite line: "The power that Hermione Weasley had on her husband was as scary as Ginny Potter's deadly glare - I can tell from my own experience." That made me laugh. :)

One tip I have with writing mechanics is to break up some of the dialog-heavy paragraphs to make the speakers clear. For example: "'Do you really think that she'll go on a date with you?' Albus asked, snorting. What? Are they arguing about me? 'I think that Kyra has the right to choose whoever she wants to date! Who are you her dad? Or maybe her boyfriend?' Jared retorted." Generally, it's best to start a new paragraph each time you change speakers. I would give Kyra's thoughts their own paragraphs, too, since it's like her brain is talking directly to the reader. :)

Most of your dialog seems natural for teens, but this line of Albus's near the end stuck out, "Boy! How I was wrong!" I don't think I've ever actually heard someone say, "Boy!" like that, so I might just cut that out.

Then, at the very end, when Albus asks Kyra to Hogsmeade, I can't believe that she'd actually be surprised: "My eyes shot open and I stared at him wide-eyed. He's asking me out!" After admitting that they love each other, I think she'd expect them to go together, and her reaction might be something more like, "Of course I will!"

Finally (and this is just an idea that you are totally free to ignore) given that the story begins with Rose worrying about how her dad will react to her relationship with Scorpius, it might be fitting to circle around back to that somehow at the end. Maybe Kyra could suggest the couples all going together to soften the impact of the news?

Congratulations on your first story! I'd be interested to read more of Kyra's adventures. :)

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Review #2, by Rumpelstiltskin Finally Mine

27th October 2013:
Hey there!

I generally don't read Next-Gen stories (haven't quite warmed up to them, emotional connectivity and all that), but that review made me a bit angry so I came to read anyway. (I was actually in the process of reviewing another story when I popped by the forums and saw your post...so shhh don't tell them!)

I am currently working on my first fanfiction as well (although silly Rumpel decided on writing a novel -_-). Hooray for commonalities!

...moving right along...

I found it funny that Ron is threatening to disown Rose because of his own grudge held against Draco. Although he would probably never actually disown her, I can picture Ron getting riled at the news of his daughter dating (especially) Scorpius and threatening her this way :). And Kyra's right, Hermione would have none of that.

I might (do) have a bit of a(n) fondness (obsession) with (for) OCs. (Tehe, see what I did there?) I enjoyed Kyra as she was quite fun and the interactions between the characters were well written and enjoyable. hey were perfectly believable and humorous conversations between friends. Well, except between Albus and Kyra at first when it concerns the friendship thing but none the less funny and believable.

Chad has absolutely killed me! Seriously, "who by the way has...body in this school" was just too funny. I have torn feelings about not hearing a friend like Chad.

The conversation between Albus and Kyra at the end was very sweet. Made me smile.

I only have one bit of advice, but my advice is never really all that relevant so take it or leave it as you wish. I think that the flow of the story may benefit from some italics (or the like) for some of the direct thought dialogue. For example perhaps italicizing the word "Great!" in the line "Great! I thought sarcastically."

At any rate, I though the story was very cute! (And I apologize for having to experience my eccentric reviews...I have the tendency to get this way!)

-Rumpel

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Review #3, by marauderfan Finally Mine

22nd October 2013:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review.

So, this is your first fic! Congratulations, that's a wonderful accomplishment to get it all written and posted! :D

Your writing style is good. You have a nice balance of dialogue and action, which makes it flow really nicely. The description of Hogwarts in the beginning is really lovely. And I liked the interaction between the characters at the breakfast table, too. Chad and Kyrian are pretty funny!

You asked for CC, so I have some - but don't take it too harshly, it's not meant that way. You have a great story here, I'm just going to suggest things that I think could make it even better. Firstly, in your A/N at the beginning, you said that you "don't know if it's any good" - I'd delete that part so your story starts out strong. Have pride in your writing! :)

Ok now onto the actual story. Sometimes I noticed that you included multiple people's dialogue in one paragraph. That can get confusing as to who is speaking, so if you separated it out into one speaker per paragraph, it should get a lot clearer.

I liked the flashback to "several hours earlier" - I thought it was well done - but the only thing that took away from it was that the beginning of it was kind of a lot of background info. If you peppered that throughout the flashback rather than dumping it in the beginning, it won't seem like quite so much information at the same time.

I hope I haven't sounded too critical. So I'll end with some praise too, just to round it out! I like that Cho Chang is the Headmistress! I haven't seen that before in fanfiction and I like the idea that she became headmistress. Anyway, the end of the story is very cute too, I'm glad Albus and Kyra both felt the same way, and those last few paragraphs definitely show all the hope that comes with the start of a new relationship.

Well done writing this, and again congrats on posting your first fic :)

Author's Response: Hey thanks for review!!

I'm really happy that you liked the story and that you found Chad and Kyrian funny!! I also found that Cho Chang being the headmistress would be uncommon because I also never read about her as headmistress so I thought why not? I'm glad you liked it.

I'm also happy that you find the flow and writing style good because it's the main thing about which I was unsure and needed feedback on..

And THANKS for the CC because I really needed it and I needed others point of view on the changes that I could bring into the story. So thanks for that and I'll be sure to take what you pointed out in consideration..

Once again thanks for reading and reviewing! :)

- kristyhes


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Review #4, by Cannons Finally Mine

17th October 2013:
Hi there kristyhes! I'm here with your requested review :) and yes I do know you, you've been way to kind with your reviews on my stories ;)

Anyway I'm going to review this as I go along because I always forget what I mean to say at the end, so if it's a little muddily then I apologise!

So I saw that you mentioned that this was your first attempt at fan fiction at the top before you began, and to be honest after I read the first paragraph I didn't believe you and I had to go check on you author page to see if you had anything else written!

Your first paragraph was just amazing, it set such a picturesque scene of Hogwarts and I felt like I was back home at Hogwarts! The only thing I would change is - 'There was the Black Lake where lived the merpeople' - I don't know if this was a mistake or deliberate, because I can see why it would be deliberate, but I think it would flow much better and sound better if it was like this - 'There was the Black Lake where the merpeople lived..'- but other than that it was such a strong opening paragraph and really set the standard for the rest of it. I got such a strong image from this line - 'I could see the sunset and the different hues of orange, red, purple and pink that streaked the sky.' So yeah great first paragraph and as I said I had to check your AP out real quick!

Just some typo's -
'' he is supposed to (do?) make anything ''
''someone sent an (a?) hex ''

OK, I LOVE Kyra, she's amazing :) I love the relationship the two of them have as well love/hate.

When Albus punched the 'man wh*re' I had the biggest smile on my face, your Albus is so cool!

Basically it was amazing the end was great, even if Albus did get beat up by his probable brother-in-law ;)

You can't do this to us! You can't invent such a cool OC and then only write a one shot about her, this isn't the end is it? ;)

whatever you write anyways, let me know because I'll be glad to read it, it was excellent for a first attempt, I'm envious :D

Cannons

Author's Response: Wow..such a nice review!! My eyes nearly popped out when I saw it..lol..:)

Really?? You actually checked my AP?? Haha that's really funny but it is indeed my first fanfic ever..

I'm really glad that you liked the first paragraph because I didn't want to start the story like this but then I changed my mind a few days before posting it and now I don't regret it!! :)

I'm really glad that you like Kyra because I really love her.. Hey great minds think alike ;) I was actually thinking about writing a full story with her too but not in the near future.. It's great that you like Albus also because I didn't know if his character was okay or not..

Oh and thank you for pointing out the errors!! I didn't even see them!!

Aww, thanks I'll be sure to let you know when I'll be posting something next :)

Thanks for reading and for the lovely review!

- kristyhes:)


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Review #5, by jillybeans Finally Mine

8th October 2013:
what a lovely one shot! the ending was adorbs x10! keep up the good work!
xoxo
-Jilly
ps- thanks for the review of ootb!! :)

Author's Response: Hey there!! No probs I like reviewing good stories! Aww thanks, it's great that you find this one-shot lovely. I'm thinking about posting another one so I hope that you'll like it if ever you read it!
Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)


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Review #6, by Harry and Ginny Finally Mine

4th September 2013:
this is a very sweet story! loved reading it! it's amazing that this is your first fic so keep up the good work!^_^

10/10

Harry and Ginny

Author's Response: Thanks! That's sweet! Yeah it's my first and I'm actually working on another one-shot.. I'm happy that you enjoyed reading it!! :)

And thanks this is the first review that I received! ;)


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