Reading Reviews for Prisoner 1272
  
13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MissesWeasley123 Prisoner 1272

20th October 2013:
Hi, again!

Will PM you too, for short opinion. Sorry :(

Again, so original. Would not think that this is Barty's mum. So smart and good. Pain and ♥ for son was shown amazingly. Truly amazing. So brilliant and just AH ♥

Author's Response: Thanks Nadia, I'm sorry this review didn't count :P
I thought about replying with no letter e's but it was too hard!


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Review #2, by 800 words of heaven Prisoner 1272

1st August 2013:
REVIEW TAG!

I was going to review something newer, but I'm a bit of a sucker for Azkaban stories, so I gave this a go!

The thing that drew me to this story in the first place was the summary - it was very gripping! I also loved the way you wrote this! It was interesting dichotomy you created with your character. From the first few paragraphs, you knew quite a lot about them, but at the same time, you didn't know anything at all, really - it was very in the moment, which was really nice! Like, I didn't even realise she was a woman until her name was said in that flashback, and keeping who she really was in terms of canon until the last few paragraphs was deliberate, obviously, but also rather effective given the pattern prevalent through the story.

This was so nice, and if this was an experiment in stylistic change, I'd love to read more experimental stuff like this!

Author's Response: Don't worry, I like when my older stories get new reviews, it's always a nice surprise haha.

I'm really glad you liked it. This was definitely straying from my usual more upbeat style but I have written another darker more angsty on since this about Wormtail. It's a nice change to write this way. I wanted to have that element of mystery through it so I'm glad you thought it worked well.

Thanks so much for this really lovely review :)


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Review #3, by BluebirdBrigade Prisoner 1272

15th July 2013:
What a chilling piece. I really liked it and I really liked some of the short sharp sentence structures that you had going on it just seemed to harsh and really added to the affect of the story.

I felt sad, and to be honest I'm not sure I can pinpoint why! But I loved the style you were writing with and the use of italics helped me differentiate the times and what was happening now and what was happening in the past. Great flow going on and I really love the way you write. Plus I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes - lovely short story!

Author's Response: Hello :) Thanks for reading.

I'm glad you thought this was chilling-that's exactly what I was going for :) I understand what you mean by you felt sad, I felt that way when I was writing too, I think I felt sorry for Mrs Crouch.

I'm really glad you liked it, this is my favourite of the stories I've written. Thanks so much for the lovely review :)


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Review #4, by RavenclawGirl11 Prisoner 1272

11th May 2013:
This story is amazing: its so different to anything I've ever read! I love the style of your writing: it was short yet, descriptive. I also loved how I didn't know who the person telling the story was until the end. I am going to read some more of your work, this short one-short has me intrigued into your style of work
~ Macy x

Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a lovely review! I hope you're not disappointed with the rest of my writing as this one is quite different to my other stories x

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Review #5, by UnluckyStar57 Prisoner 1272

10th May 2013:
Hi! Thanks for requesting a review from me! :)

This was a really great one-shot, and you incorporated the quote really well! You've done a fantastic job in telling the story through Mrs. Crouch's eyes, especially at the beginning. It's so sad that she's still under the impression that Barty Jr. was actually a good boy, but that only adds to the general atmosphere of the story.

There is one thing that would really intensify this emotion that you're getting across in your writing: sentence structure editing. In the penultimate paragraph, the first sentence could be written as "I had known what I needed to do as soon as he had been sentenced to come here," or in some other form for clarity. I wasn't too sure what was going on when I first read it. Then the sentences after it are sometimes a bit awkward---either too short or too long to fit into the paragraph. Just tweak those a little bit, and this story will really be golden. :)

Otherwise, I really loved the part about "Death is accelerated in Azkaban" and onward. It was really chilling and quite... Gray, which is exactly the color that this kind of story is supposed to be.

Excellent work, and good luck in the challenge! :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review! I'm glad you liked the story overall.
I definitely need to go back and edit this so I appreciate the advice about the sentence structure, thanks again :)


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Review #6, by SeverusSnape15 Prisoner 1272

8th May 2013:
Hello, SeverusSnape15 here with your review!

I really love the concept of this story. I think it's pretty well written, but you have many mistakes. The spaces are too close together, try double spacing between paragraphs, it makes it ten times easier to read, and it looks much better, as well.

The sentences are a bit choppy. Many end where they shouldn't. Some places are also missing a word or two that I feel like you should add. Eg. "The top of that list was accepting that this was the places I would take my last breath, feel my last heartbeat." I'd refrase to "The top of that list was accepting that this was the places I would take my last breath, and even feel my last heart beat."

I really like the opening paragraph, gets me interested right away. I want to know what happens...BUT, I did think that the main character was a man in the beginning. I think it could use something to indicate that it is a female rather than male.

I also feel that this could be much longer than it is. You have so much information here, so much you could make the story into. I wish you had kept the flashback going and explained who everyone was through the flashback, it would have made the story a bit more interesting, more exciting. I'd love to see more depth and detail on her sickness. You want to bring emotion with this death. It's tragic, she's dying for her family. Bringing out emotions means adding backstory to the actual story. I didn't exactly know who she was speaking to until the end of the story...And I still thought it was a male until I figured out he was calling her Evelyn..

With that set aside, I'd like to point out a quote that I loved. "His agreement to help me was the final nail in my coffin." That is wonderful and it's so full of detail in that single line that it needs little more to know that her decision is final. This story certainly has potential, don't give up on it! If you have any questions for me, let me know on HPFF forums :)

~Cierra/Sev15

Author's Response: Hello! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your review, bad author, I know!
I definitely need to go back and work on sentence structure with this one, I've had a couple of people feed that back to me.
The idea was to keep her identity hidden until later, I didn't use any pronouns or names until the flashback to emphasise the fact that she has become just a number, a soul, to the Dementors. I tried to keep it til the flashback so that it highlighted the differences between her life then and now. I also wanted to wait until later on to reveal that it was actually Mrs Crouch, to add a little twist. Sorry if that didn't quite come across.
I plan to edit this as soon as I can so I'll definitely take into account the further detail needed and to sentence structure. Thank you for taking the time to review :)


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Review #7, by teh tarik Prisoner 1272

5th May 2013:
Hello! I'm here for our little swap :)

First of all, I absolutely love minor characters and stories in which they are the focus. And I especially love stories about minor characters who have played a crucial role in causing and developing major canon events, but who are never really given voice in the books because they're either dead or Harry is not interested to pursue furhter information on them. Barty Crouch's mother is such an underexplored character; her actions have such heavy consequences - they're done out of an unconditional love, but they result in the release of a dangerous criminal and extremist Voldemort supporter, and she is indirectly responsible for Voldy's return to power. So I'm very happy to finally come across a story where justice is given to her character, where we see things from her perspective.

Speaking of her perspective, this is something you've written very well. It's a very brief story, but I think it's shortness and how clipped, or abrupt it is sort of reflects on her own imminent death, and how short the remainder of her life is. It's a difficult piece to read, knowing she's an innocent soul, but that very act of love she commits for her son is also something that is unjust, is guilty. And perhaps she deserves this death after all; she chose it, and our choices are important, as is shown over and over again throughout the series.

I love the fact that her entire existence is reduced to a number; it represents the way of Azkaban - complete dehumanisation of the prisoners at the hands of the Dementors who slowly cause their mental faculties to deteriorate into madness. And I think her namelessness and loss of identity really foreshadows the way she'll die - buried in a grave that nobody will visit, and if there's anybody who remembers her death, it will be because they remembered a wrong name. The implications of all these matters are very beautifully written.

Also, it's quite telling that the only time we hear her name is during her flashback - to a time when she had a past, an identity, when she was with someone who loved her deeply. I felt all of Barty Crouch Sr's pain at his wife's decision' I've always wondered why he complied with her wishes when he easily had the power to keep her safe and his hated son behind bards. It's such an overlooked thing in canon, the extent of Barty's love for his wife.

You've got some very chilling images in the piece - the Dementors flocking outside Evelyn's cell is really eerie. Death and illness really pervades the atmosphere of your fic, and I think you've done an excellent job in maintaining the gloomy dread-filled atmosphere and tone of the story, I would have liked you to flesh out the setting a little, or at least have a more vivid image of the flashback, but I do understand that Evelyn's mind and memories are severely weakened, and are being dulled by the presence of the Dementors.

The final image of Barty's (Jr.) horror-struck face makes for such a depressing ending :( I was secretly hoping that somehow she'd die with a last hopeful happy thought, but of course, this is much more realistic - and she is in the presence of a swarm of Dementors feeding on her essence.

Overall, I think this was a wonderful story. It's short but it is a rather complex fic, and it really raises questions within canon that not many writers notice or choose to explore. So well done for originality of character and subject matter. I really enjoyed reading this; thanks for the swap :)

-teh

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review swap, I really enjoyed your story!
It's lovely to hear that someone likes your stories and, after reading your writing, that's a huge compliment, so thank you!
I really wanted to show throughout that Azkaban takes everything away from you: happy memories, sanity, life, and referring to her as a number and only using her name in a flashback from before she went there seemed like the way to do it.
I have a tendency to focus on tellin the story and neglecting the imagery a little so the feedback is appreciated, I'm definitely going to come back to this story and edit it, putting in some more description.
Thank you again for te swap and the wonderful review!


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Review #8, by patronus_charm Prisoner 1272

4th May 2013:
I saw you post about this on the forums and I meant to check it out as it looked really cool :D

I really, really liked how you gave the prisoner a number and only referred to her as that. It really reminded me of the concentration camps and what the Jews had to suffer in there, and I always thought of Azkaban as the wizarding alternative to that, so that was a really great comparison.

Like you said, it took away her personality and identity and broke her down to his simplest form and it was so effective and I could sense throughout the story, add that in with the sense of isolation and you really caught what being a prisoner in Azkaban must have been like.

I should have carried on reading before writing that, and then I wouldn’t have had to of used pronouns and could have used her proper name instead. Wow this was from Mrs Crouch’s perspective? That was a really great idea, because to be honest, I never thought much about how she ended up there, but know you brought up here it made me want to know and it was really thought provoking.

I also really liked the flashback and you really caught the emotions Mr and Mrs Crouch must have been feeling. I liked how you showed that they clearly loved one another, it was so tender and bittersweet and it was nice to see Crouch being portrayed in a good light. I always felt a little bad for him, so I liked that you almost made it up to him here by giving his wife one final wish before she died.

Then the ending was great too, and how you showed how conflicted she was about her son and her husband was brilliant. All of them are a tragic family in fact, not just Mr Crouch. I think they’re all so misunderstood yet have these powerful emotions running through them and you really caught that in this one-shot.

The only CC I would give is perhaps space it out a bit more. In the flashback and sometimes in the present there were no gaps between the paragraphs which made it a little harder to read, but other than that it was an excellent job!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the lovely review! I'm really glad you liked the story. The Crouch family has always been one that I liked, it's so sad and tragic and I've wanted to write about it for a while.
I wanted to take her identity away completely which is why I left out who's perspective it was until later in the story. Azkaban always seemed to be that sort of place that you just become a number.
Thank you for the tip about the spacing, I've got something waiting to be validated but once it is I'll edit that :)
Again, thanks so much for the lovely review :)


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Review #9, by ginnys twin Prisoner 1272

3rd May 2013:
This was super emotional and very heartfelt. I can only think of a one thing I would change.

I think I might add someone calling her Barty and the emotions that might cause/the memories that would trigger.

Overall, this was really great and I especially loved how you revealed the identity if the narrator piece by piece. Great job!

-Krissy

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review and the advice! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Review #10, by Lululuna Prisoner 1272

2nd May 2013:
Hi, here for your requested review!! :)

So I'll start by saying that this is really, really lovely. It's so original to write about Mrs. Crouch, and I've never heard of a story from her perspective before. You wrote it very beautifully and sympathetically, and I can tell that you worked very hard at getting into her head. Well, it really paid off! :)

I liked how you set her up as not really having an identity anymore: she has a number as a prisoner, but even her body is not her own. It's like the real Evelyn doesn't exist anymore, and I thought that was a very powerful symbol. I loved the lines about death being accelerated in Azkaban, and the descriptions of the dying body that isn't hers.

You definitely got the essence of Mr. Crouch across very well: I could easily see that he loves his wife, but has difficulty showing it. The formality of his words and his obvious hatred and embarrassment of his son was very believable and perfect for his character in canon, so amazing job with that! :)

I do have a couple ideas to polish the piece off a little bit. First, the section that goes from "Convincing my husband was the most difficult part...so did the Dementors" is kind of just repeating the flashback in italics. I think this could be strengthened by instead "showing," and not "telling," about that moment. You could write how he looked when she had that last glimpse of him, how Crouch Sr. looked, what her first impressions of the cell were, to really give a strong feeling of what it would have been like to exist in that moment. Another thought I had is that it might be interesting if you added in a couple images or memories from Barty's childhood, to give life to the image of him that Mrs. Crouch loves so dearly.

I love the last paragraph as well, but I think it could also be expanded on a little more. Something that I've been working on when writing is imagining that the reader hasn't read the HP books, and therefore not assuming they have prior knowledge of the characters or events. The fear on Barty Jr.'s face is such a strong image, but I think you could write it in a much more visual way and explain the context a little bit. You could say something like: "the face of the laughing little boy, my sweet Barty, had faded from my deteriorating mind. It was only his fear that I could see: the fear as his own father turned against him, as his eyes grew dark and his voice high with terror, as he realized that his own father would condemn his own blood to a traitor's fate. That frightened face, the desperate man, swam before my eyes as I took my final breath."

Or something a little more visual, you get the idea! :P I just think you have some very powerful moments here, and they should be brought to their full potential!

One of the many strengths of your story is the vague-ness and clouded judgement of Evelyn's views of her son. I thought the line "My Barty, who had been falsely accused of being a Death Eater" seemed a little out of place with the tone. You could change it to something like: My poor Barty, innocent and victimized for the unspeakable crimes of others, sentenced to a half-life in prison for being in the wrong place at the wrong time." I think being a bit more vague with this line would fit better with the tone of the story, but again that's just a suggestion! :)

Also, did you consider writing this in present tense? If not, it might be something to consider, as it would give a feeling of immediacy and suddenness to the moment of her death. "Life is leaving me. I feel my body weakening, every organ giving up on me. Except, it is not my body that I'm about to leave. The hands clenching in pain are not mine..." Changing the story to present tense might be something fun to play around with, anyway!

I really hope you enjoyed this review and that it proves a bit helpful!!! I hope you don't think there's too much CC, trust me if I didn't love the story I wouldn't have thought of all these things to take it to the next level (in my humble opinion, that is!). Feel free to ignore anything you disagree with!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for yet another lovely review! This story was the most difficult for me to write as usually fluff and happiness is my thing, as you well know.
The Crouch family's story is one that has always fascinated me but I've never read any fanfiction about them, I think they have a fascinating back story that deserved to be written about some more.
I actually found it surprisingly easy to get into her mindset, I think being a mother myself helped. I know what it's like to want to do absolutely anything for another person, though hopefully motherhood won't ever go to this extreme for me haha!
I really appreciate all of your feedback, there can never be too much CC as its all to help improve my work which isn't a bad thing! I can see what you mean about writing in present tense. Honestly it's something I seriously considered for this story but I can never seem to get it right, I always find past tense easier to write and read. I may try to change this from past to present and see how it turns out. The tips to make it more visual are really helpful and I'll definitely be along your advice.
Thank you again for the review :)


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Review #11, by Nadia Prisoner 1272

2nd May 2013:
A beautiful one shot!
At first I thought it must be a story of some random witch...and then I was like "OH ITS BARTY CROUCH JR!!!"
Nice

Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it :)

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Review #12, by AlexFan Prisoner 1272

1st May 2013:
HELLO THERE! I was going to review this once the challenge had ended and I had all entry's in but you requested a review for this so it was two birds with one stone!

I think I used that wrong.

Anyway, moving on for someone who's new to angst you're off to a very good start. I can tell by the character's thoughts that they were sick and dying and the flashback helped to make that a lot clearer. If you keep working on it you'll be as great at writing angst as just about any author on the archives!

It took me until the end of the flashback to realise that this was being told from the point of view of Barty Crouch Jr.'s mother which is embarrassing to admit but true.

I love that you took a character who has no name and is so unimportant in the books you forget about her really fast and created a story around her. This is the hardcore version of writing something for a very minor character.

I felt so bad for her at the end because she still believed that Barty was dead and I kept thinking "oh, if you only knew how accurate the accusation was." I suppose it's a best way for her to remember her son, as a nice a boy instead of a criminal.

Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review and for the quote, I really enjoyed this challenge!
I'm glad you liked it, this has been my most difficult story to write just because its not my usual style so it's great to have such good feedback for it.
I did play around with the idea of revealing her identity to begin with but the mystery aspect worked much better.
I was hoping that people would sympathise with her character despite us not knowing much about her. I always took her reactions at the trial to mean that she thought he was innocent, I thought he was until the end of Goblet of Fire.
Thanks again for the review!


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Review #13, by nott theodore Prisoner 1272

1st May 2013:
I saw you mention this story over on the forums and the plot sounded quite interesting, so I thought I'd take a look.

The beginning of this reminded me a bit of Les Miserables. Using a number instead of a name sounded a bit like the whole '24601 - Jean Valjean' part of the story, and I think it's quite an effective way of taking away all sense of humanity from a person. Without a name, a person loses their identity and seems to be a faceless figure; a statistic that doesn't count. Just that little detail gave a real sense of the emptiness of life that people endure in Azkaban.

Of course, since I began the story believing that this person with a life sentence was a Death Eater or some other heinous criminal, I didn't have any sympathy for them. I thought the fact that this prisoner turns out to be Mrs Crouch was a clever twist, and not one that I'd expected. I also think that emphasises the horror of the death, as this is an innocent person dying in the confines of Azkaban.

The flashback worked quite well overall to give us a sense of who the character was, without them ever telling us their name. It conveyed the recurring theme from the books of the extreme lengths that a parent, and particularly a mother, will go to in order to save their child. Just as an improvement on presentation, I would probably leave a space between the lines to make the flashback a bit easier to read.

The quote is worked in well here - if you hadn't mentioned at the beginning what your quote was, I probably wouldn't have guessed that it was a quote.

I thought you had a good handle on Evelyn's character here and that came across to the reader. The fact that she believes all the way through that her son was innocent is particularly poignant. I can't imagine she would have been so willing to suffer the same experiences if she had known what he had really done. You also conveyed the pervading sense of hopelessness and fear well through the piece, especially with the effects of the Dementors. I really enjoyed the line "Death is accelerated in Azkaban."

Towards the end I think you repeat a few words unnecessarily, and it would read a lot better if you take some of them out. For example:

"That was merely days after we had been given the news that I was dying." rather than 'that day was merely days...'

I also think that using "my body" three times in these two sentences "I could feel my body weakening, every organ in my body giving up on me. Except, it wasn't my body that it was leaving." feels repetitive and it would work better if you removed the second "my body", and put the third "my" into italics (which I can't do in this review!). It would just sound more natural and more interesting without the unnecessary repetition.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this and I think you have quite a thought-provoking one-shot. Good luck in the challenge!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your review, I'm glad you liked it.
I've been really interested in Azkaban since the third book came out and have always wanted to write a fic about it so the challenge gave me the perfect opportunity. Usually I write stories with a happy ending so this was definitely difficult for me so your feedback is really appreciated!
The Crouch family's story is one that fascinates me and as a mother myself I found that I could really put myself in her shoes and worked hard to convey the love and sense of protection mothers have for their children.
Thank you for the advice about the last couple paragraphs, I always appreciate feedback that improves my writing and for the good luck wishes!
:)


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