Reading Reviews for Picking Up the Pieces
  
167 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Kristina1990 Perdition

20th April 2014:
Just found your fanfiction a few days ago and went ahead to basically read all of it in one go :).

I absolutely love your writing! It really drew in my attention from the start and it didn't let go until the end, somewhat of a rare treat. Your descriptions are head on (you wrote at some point that you had to change a chapter, because you felt it was too descriptive), I wouldn't change it. I think you say just enough to get the right impression of the scene and not get bored of it.

I hope you'll continue to write!

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Review #2, by Penelope Inkwell Flashback

23rd March 2014:
So, for a while as I was reading this, I totally thought her name was Anaxanandra Snyder. I have a long history of having sort of weird name-dyslexia when I read. My family has made fun of me for this for years. It’s so bad that, when I was in second grade, I named my dog after a book character. Years later I picked the book up off my shelf and realized that I had missed a letter in the name, which had turned it into something completely different. And this happens all the time. No other problems with reading--just names. I realized a few chapters ago that it was Anaxandra, which has a much better ring to it. But I just now realized that her surname is Synder, which fits her unusual name much better than Snyder. Also, Snyder kept making me think of the pretzel brand. So this is a wonderful discovery, and I thought that it might give you a laugh.

Or want to bash in my head for mentally butchering your characters’ names for 7 and a half chapters.

Either response is acceptable, really.

Love to see Draco working alongside Harry. For a while, I’d actually forgotten that they must work together, since Harry and Ron went to the Auror Department. I can’t imagine how that slipped my mind--just didn’t put two and two together. I think you do a good job of giving them a decent work relationship without making them inordinately chummy. It fits this version of Draco nicely.

Wo-oah! Did not expect that! What on earth happened here?!!!


“People have forgiven me for much worse than a blow to the face, and you deserve no less.”
--I just love this line. Things like this are why I adore Draco Malfoy: the Redeemed Edition so very much as a character.

Super. Creepy. Creatures. What in the name of chocolate chip cookies are those things?! Ick!


CC:

"the deep gnarls became even more pronounced,”
--I’m thinking that “gnarls” should probably be “snarls”.

It cautiously stuck its prominently large head.
--“Prominently large” is a bit redundant. Just “prominent head” would do.

"she’ll move slow enough”
--You switch tenses here. To go along with the rest of the passage, “she’ll” should be “she’d”.


Pardon me, I’ve got to go figure out what happens next, because for real, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Yikes! Very scary. I’m currently scanning my living room in search of possible weapons to see what I can use if the Neanderthal rats invade (I’m envisioning the R.O.U.S.’s from The Princess Bride, by the way. Ew).

--Penny

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Review #3, by Penelope Inkwell Happenstance

22nd March 2014:
Ick. Knockturn Alley. What a place.

LOOOoove Anaxandra’s dragon knowledge. She’s got a lot of spunk, but if she’s going to be successful, I’ve got a feeling she’s going to have to learn to fly under the radar a bit better, huh?

“Nyx”, hmm? Is that her real name? Is Anaxandra a fake name? Or the reverse? Or are they both real. Being named for the goddess of night does sound rather huntress-y. But then, all her siblings’ names started with “A”. So, I don’t know what’s going on with that, but I’m eager to find out.

Okay, pulled out the old Google translate, since Latin is not so much a thing that I know. And I still have no clue what that means. I reckon we’ll find out, though.

-“Are you even listening to me?” Draco angrily called to her.

-“I’m trying not to, but you’re making it really hard with all that hideous noise coming from your mouth.”

---Bahahahahaa


CC:

"watched as it slightly popped open.”
--“popped slightly open” would probably be a better arrangement.

Oy! Draco people in the face probably isn’t her best bet. I can’t imagine he’ll be pleased. However, when she says those lines about letting him get away, I really felt her pain. Just reading the sentence hurt, so that was very well done.

Now to find out what Anaxandra/Nyx is going to do about all this...

--Penny

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Review #4, by Penelope Inkwell Confession

22nd March 2014:
I LOVED that little bit from Draco’s POV at the very end. I had been thinking about that during her confessions--how, if there was anyone who could understand, it was Draco. And the way you wrote the bit where he admits that to himself was just right. Gah! You two crazy kids just need to talk more.

Man, that guilt really has to be eating at her. And that’s just the worst outcome possible, isn’t it? You say something you don’t mean, and you never get the chance to take it back. How painful.


CC:

“I should have went back to help them,”
--“should have went” ought to be “should have gone”. Unless you meant for her to use incorrect grammar. That would be a fair choice, but it seems a bit unusual for her.

That’s all I’ve got. Another very nice chapter. I still have so many questions. I want to know why Draco’s sleeping there. Cough u! the answers, Malfoy. ;)

--Penny

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Review #5, by Penelope Inkwell Freedom

22nd March 2014:
Dude, what is up with super-happy cheerful Gawain? And I thought that he didn’t like Draco? Has he been, like Imperiused or something?

Ooooh! FIELD TRIP!

Okay, so I love this broom you’ve dreamed up. And I want it. Really, I just want any flying broom, but this one seems particularly snazzy. Poor Anaxandra never learned to fly? And her brother did? That is all kinds of unfair. I mean, it’s bad enough that I can’t fly, but she’s a witch. It’s, like, her unalienable right! I object on her behalf, and I really hope Draco teaches her.

Aaand she has only had icecream ONCE?! This is just tragic.

What did Draco see that made him dart away like that. My best guess would be that Astoria saw him with a strange girl and got the wrong (but hopefully right in the future) idea. But is it something worse than that? I have to read on and find out what the deal is with this abrupt exit. It must be pretty important, because it was looking like he might get some information out of Ana, so for him to give up that opportunity...I am so curious!

It’s really interesting how she seems to be able to do magic without a want. Wondering what the story is there. The Ministry did take her wand, didn’t they? Did she get it back?

Poor girl, she’s been through a lot.

CC:

"I’ve told you once, and I’ll tell you again,” Gawain asserted, sitting down in his own chair and leaning forward on his elbows, then changing back to his overly cheery self, “call me Gawain.”

--when you say “changing back to his overly cheery self”, I wasn’t aware he had left it? At what point does that happen? Is it when he’s saying, “I’ve tell you once and I’ll tell you again,”? Because when I was reading, I imagined him saying that in a joking manner, but that’s the only point I could find where it seemed like he might have slipped back into a harsher tone. MIght be good to clarify that. That’s all I’ve got.

Another intriguing chapter! Looking forward to reading more :D

--Penny

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Review #6, by Penelope Inkwell Lonely

22nd March 2014:
Hey Monica!

Hooray! I get less free time than I’d like, but I’m back and I’m reading and reviewing! And to answer your previous question, no, you didn’t request reviews. I just like your story ;)

I enjoy the way you write Draco and Ana’s dialogue. It’s snappy and funny and it sounds true to their characters. I laugh at pretty much every interaction between them.

"the scene outside began looking more like a smeared, gray watercolor painting.”
--this was a lovely image

Interesting. So Anaxandra’s afraid of storms. Well, I suppose it’s good she has a weakness, for character purposes. Usually she’s so tough. I also like how Draco was kind of a jerk about it, because it’s not what I would have anticipated. So many times, this would be when the heroine shows her weakness, and the hero demonstrates his softer side. And this isn’t that at all. It’s true to his character--Draco may be a better guy now, but he’s not perfect, and Ana hasn’t done much to endear herself to him at this point. His reaction makes sense, and defies expectation. And I like both of those things in a story :D

Also, I like how she makes him coffee. They can’t even do nice things for one another without a whole internal monologue. It’s kind of cute.


CC:

"the aching lonely of this room.”
--“lonely” should probably be “loneliness"

"If there was anything she hated more, it was thunderstorms. Correction: if there was anything she hated more it was the fact that she was afraid of thunderstorms.”
--When you say, “hated more”, more than what? The rain? I didn’t quite get that.

Really liked this chapter, and am totally shipping the two main characters. Also, you paint some very pretty pictures with your words. Nice work!

--Penny

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Review #7, by 1917farmgirl Confession

17th March 2014:
Wow! This was a powerful chapter! And can I just say, one I've been waiting for!

YEAH! Ana finally allowed herself to feel! This line was so heart wrending: "She just left her family for dead. She just wanted to cry. She just wanted her life back." Poor Ana!

I absolutely loved the paragraph where you talked about how she could remember the way the world smelled when the rain stopped, and things like that, but couldn't remember what the fight was about. That is exactly how the mind works in trauma - the unimportant things stick, but the important ones fly away. Such good writing!

I also find it so intriguing that you had Ana NOT let Draco share - that she needed to have him owe her. See, I totally would have let him share a secret and made them all buddy/buddy. You are a much stronger writer than me, sticking to your plot even though it would be easier another way.

And you think of such brilliant things!

I was also amazed at the way you drew a comparison between the two - that Draco also has things he's ashamed of, and he once acted as the coward and ran away.

Nice job!

- Farmgirl

Review 6/20 for Round three of Blackout Battle.

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Review #8, by 1917farmgirl Freedom

16th March 2014:
Okay, I could be totally barking up the wrong tree here, but I still think something is up with Gawain. His mood swings are almost bipolar, and he's way to happy about things that he shouldn't be. It's like he's nervous and trying to cover something. Of course, he could just be a splendidly unique character that is throwing me off the scent. Either way, great writing!

I LOVE Ana at Diagon Alley! You can just feel her excitement oozing from every word you write! And now I really want her to be able to try out a broom! Draco should make that happen! The wonder she gazed at the street with reminded me of Harry and his first time there. And I'm just about to write Sadie's first trip there. I hope I can do it justice the way you have with Ana!

Glad Draco came to her rescue with the mean dude, even though she didn't really appreciate it. And I love how Ana is such a complex character. One minute she's like a little kid, eating ice cream again for the second time, and then she's feisty and totally turning the tables on Draco with his questions. Go Ana!

Now, what has Draco so riled up. I think I remember what, but it's been a while since I read this part, so I will wait and see.

I love that Ana can do magic with just her hands, no wand needed. It's like it's such an integral part of her, so personal and such. It's really cool.

That nightmare, however, wasn't cool! What's up with that? Poor Ana! I hope it's just a night mare and not either a memory, or something that has yet to happen!

Another great chapter, as always!

- Farmgirl

Battle review 5/20.

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Review #9, by 1917farmgirl Lonely

14th March 2014:
Okay, first off, I really, really liked that saying you put at the beginning, that Ana's mother used to tell her as a little girl. It's so cool! And who doesn't need a reminder once in a while that good still exists in the world. Ana certainly needs that reminder right now in this story.

And I'm glad Ana finally took a moment to mourn her family, even if it was just barely a moment. She's got so much on her mind, and under so much stress, she doesn't even get to mourn them properly. That makes me really sad.

I love how it's Ana who insists on the rules. But you know what I noticed this time around I find interesting? Whether he knows it or not, Draco is already being drawn to her. Because he never gives in to people trying to tell him what to do, but here he gave up without a fight. Oh, he thought he was winning because he added a condition of his own, but really, Ana won that round. *Gives Ana a gold star*

The coffee part of this was still really fun. She just had to make him a cup, even though she couldn't explain why. Loved it.

Now the storm. I love storms, but I know a lot of people who don't. Giving Ana this trait humanized her (which is going to contradict with what I say about her in a minute, but just go with the flow, k?) She does have weaknesses, and it showed that she might be tough but she's got some softer parts.

And that darker spot in the corner? Just as freaky the second time around, and I STILL don't know what it is, just that it can't be good.

Now, back to Ana. I've noticed something else as I've read this again - there is this feral, instinctual side to Ana, isn't there. She's human, and a girl, with feelings and such - but there's also a hardness to her that I don't think I noticed the first time around. I think it's bold of you to write such a character, because you run the risk of people not wanting to see that side of someone. But, it really does make Ana who she is.

Keep up the good work! (See, and now you are gonna have NO ground to stand on when you tell me you can't write, because I have proof to the contrary!)

- Farmgirl
Blackout Battle round 3 Review 4/20

Author's Response: Ana gladly accepts your gold star, and nudges Draco smugly. Draco rolls his eyes and sneers at her. :)

Yes! OMG you haven't read on, so you'll understand why she's all feral and instinctual. But yeah, there is a weakness I gave her and that story will be covered later.

Stop it you're making me blush! :) Thank you for reviewing!

--Monica


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Review #10, by 1917farmgirl Pawn

14th March 2014:
Okay, the first time I read this, I was intrigued by Draco's boss. I mean he's rude, drinking on the job, not paying close enough attention to the murder cases that are crossing his desk... And I still think all those things, but this time around, I'm wondering something. When Draco said he got Ana to talk, and the boss didn't jump with excitement like Draco thought but instead seemed more concerned with what she knew and what she saw...is he in on it somehow? Is there more to this boss than meets the eye? Or am I totally bonkers and barking up the wrong tree? (It's possible. I've done that before.)

And now Draco has landed himself even more work to do. Ah, but in the end, he probably won't mind, hehehe. (Now if you'd just LISTEN to me and do what I keep trying to get you to do for the ending.)

I love Ana's connection to the stars, and the natural way she just conjures them on her ceiling. It's so normal, you almost miss the fact that she just did this without a wand. I also really liked the description you put in there of her new surroundings.

And then Draco and Ana start bickering again, LOL. That last paragraph of the middle section? Sure, Ana. Just keep telling yourself that...right... LOL.

And then there's Astoria. You know how I feel about her. I don't think I'll repeat it again.

On to the next chapter! (Though it might be tomorrow before I get to it. I'm getting sleepy.)

- Farmgirl

Blackout Battle round 3 Review 3/20

Author's Response: There IS more that meets the eye! Good on you for noticing :)

IT IS WHAT IS BEST FOR THE STORY FARMGIRL, I already told you I was going to write you your own ending, no need to fuss.

Thank you for reviewing :)

--Monica


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Review #11, by 1917farmgirl Impression

14th March 2014:
Wow, you're painting a very bleak picture of the Auror Department here in this opening part of the story. I think some of that is new, isn't it? I don't remember all of it from what you showed me before. I can see why many of the remaining Aurors would want to get away from it all after the war, which also explains why it would be easier for someone like Draco to get a place on the team. I think that is a very clever explanation for how he got where he is. Nice job!

Cross huh? Is that Ana's family? (Is confused by reference to the son - if you know what I mean, but then I also know you have tricks up your sleeve.)

You have such a keen insight into what happens when Draco has to deliver bad news. Your sentence about that being the beginning of an end for a happy family is so true, and so sad.

Now, you know how much I read Draco fic. We've talked about this before. But you also know you have managed the impossible with this story and you not only have me liking him, but rooting for him. And part of that has to do with the way you've turned him from what he was, into what he is now. It works, and it makes sense, and it doesn't abandon the Slytherin qualities he was known for. He's still egotistical, still a bit of a snob, still hot-tempered. But you've taken those and molded them to be something better. Bravo.

Hehehehe - Brightly colored blob of a man is a great description.

Okay, I really liked the second half. I can see that you worked a lot on it, adding emotion and description. Ana was perfectly consistent in character this time, and Draco was totally in his element. Oh, and have I mentioned lately that you have a gift for dialogue and writing people in character so much when they are speaking?!

Loved how Draco played the game and upped the ante, even if it did turn the tables on Ana.

Can't wait for more!

Author's Response: Nope! The file is just there for funsies, helping me transition from Draco at work to him thinking about his duties as an Auror.

Ah! I forgot that you said that! That makes me so happy haha. Draco should be rooted for in this :) I'm also glad to hear that he isn't out of character too much at the beginning.

You have mentioned that, and I am super happy and blushing about it every time you say it :) thank you for the review!

--Monica


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Review #12, by 1917farmgirl Loss

14th March 2014:
So, I have been the most awful of friends, never stopping by to read this again and review for real this time. But, I got sucked into the Blackout Battle for the third round, and what better way to fulfill my 20 reviews than on the story of a friend?

I've told you before and I will tell you again: this chapter just makes me go WOW!! Seriously. It's so intense and heart-pounding, right from the start. Your descriptions are powerful and leave your readers gasping right along with Ana.

You know I've read this before, but it still gets me every time when Ana hears her sister cry! And then her parents, and she has to leave them! Part of me wants to yell at her mother for choosing to go back, for choosing her husband over her child, but the other part of me understands.

And now Ana is so alone. To stand there, watching your home burn to the ground, knowing your family was gone and you were all alone...I can't imagine it.

Such an amazing start to what I know is a brilliant story. I can't wait to see how you've changed it since I last read it, because I thought it was really good the first time around!

Oh, and kudos for inventing a character that not only grabs you right from the first word, but is unique and original.

- Farmgirl
(Blackout Battle Round 3 Review 1/20)

Author's Response: You have NOT been the most awful of friends! You've been the BEST of friends EVER :)

I'm so glad that you liked this :) I worked hard to edit it and make it flow better.

You know Ana won't be alone for long ;) And she thanks you gracefully for saying how original she is.

--Monica


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Review #13, by Ericfmc Loss

5th March 2014:
What a marvellous beginning. Beautiful, evocative and taut writing that sucks you right in, leaving you with questions that just have to be answered - off to the next chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed, and thank you for reviewing!

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Review #14, by Penelope Inkwell Pawn

1st March 2014:
I’m back! It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, but I’m glad to get back to reading this story! I’m really interested in where it’s going to go :D

"For all she cared, they could be playing nude wizard’s chess for chocolate frogs and she still wouldn’t give a damn.”
--Haha, nice to see a bit of Ana’s (may I call her Ana?) humor.

You paint the room quite clearly. I really feel like I have a good sense of it.

She can do magic without a wand? Awesome! How does that work?!

"'Better feed the beast, Synder,' Draco warned, taking a bite of his sandwich, 'before it breaks loose and eats us all alive.’”
--I just liked this little bit of banter here at the beginning of their relationship. It was funny and cute.

"He was nothing more than a pawn on her chess board, a tool for protection, until she was ready to make her next move.”
--I think this really tells us a lot about Ana’s personality, and her past, in some ways. She’s definitely not used to trusting anyone outside her circle, is she? I like that she’s smart and focused and not allowing herself to be a damsel in distress. And she sounds like she might be a rather good match for a certain formerly-ruthless and rather devious Slytherin we know...

Ugh, I am really not a fan of Gawain. Not ideal boss material at all.

And here we have Astoria! Interesting...don’t quite know what to make of her, yet.

CC:

"She just wanted some time to herself knowing that it would be a very long time until she would be alone again.”
--This sentence is a bit confusing. Maybe, “She just wanted some time to herself. Unfortunately, it seemed unlikely that she would get it anytime soon.”

"then you will be dropped off to Azkaban.”
--"dropped off" doesn’t sound very harsh, considering that they’re threatening to take her to wizarding prison. Maybe, “you will be immediately removed to Azkaban,” or, less formally “will earn you a one-way ticket to Azkaban."

So, in the shower scene, she’s never taken a shower, but she knows the word for a showerhead? How does she know? Has she just heard of them? Because if she’s never experienced it before, it might be more fun to just see her toy around with the strange object and try to get it to work (not that she’d have no idea, but I’ve definitely traveled to places where I couldn’t work the showers, and I’ve taken many).

Really enjoying this chapter. Can’t wait to see how this whole baby-sitting system works out!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hello! I'm surprised to see you back here! Was this requested? Haha, I don't remember :P

Thanks for your CC. I've been needing a fresh pair of eyes on the new edits I made.

Yeah, she knows the word for a showerhead. I guess I should have included the tidbit in my mind that I was thinking of while writing this, where her brother describes it to her. (He got to travel more often than she did.)

Thanks again for your help :)

--Monica


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Review #15, by Mizz Volturi Distraction

21st February 2014:
soo incredibly good please go on!

Author's Response: Thank you! I will! :)

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Review #16, by Penelope Inkwell Impression

14th February 2014:
Wow! I like this even better than I remembered. I’m always a sucker for a redeemed Draco, and I am already a fan of your version. Still prickly, still arrogant, but at least working for the right team, nowadays. And Anaxanandra! She’s great! I’m assuming they’re a potential pairing (I should really go read the summary--it’s been ages and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten). Draco needs someone who can be as stubborn and frustrating as he is, and that girl’s got spunk. I already like her tremendously.

Sounds like she comes from a family of an interesting profession. Part of me is going all Hermione at the idea of the unsanctioned killing of magical beings, so I’m interested to see if Anaxanandra’s parents were really performing a useful service or were extremists. Either way, their death (and that of Anaxanandra’s brother and sister) is just awful.

You do a very good job with dialogue. It sounds snappy and realistic and entertaining. And as for the mystery element, i’m definitely hooked. I’ve already taken a shine to both MCs--that’s some good work for a second chapter, girl! It really flowed well, and I enjoyed it immensely.


Actually, this story reminds me a bit of mine (a tiny bit). Different styles and all, but my second chapter also involves a report from Epping Forest, and an interrogation by Draco Malfoy (of a potential love interest, who also gives him some trouble). In reality, they’re small similarities, but it makes me smile all the same. It’s like running into a distant cousin or something--totally different from you, but with enough common background to have things to laugh at. I don’t know; it’s just cool. :D

CC:

As far as constructive criticism goes, I’m very picky, but I’ll have you know that I did have to hunt. This read very smoothly--you’ve done an excellent job in writing and editing. Here’s what I did note:

"Maybe what they say is true: old habits die hard.”
--The tense changes here from past to present, and it distracts a bit. It might be better to have it as, “Maybe what they said was true: old habits did die hard,” just to keep the flow going.

"He was never personally approached by his boss, who quite blatantly, looked like it brought him pain to be talking to Draco.”
--I think it might be better to replace “blatantly” with “frankly”. They are synonyms, but “blatant” isn’t quite as correct in this context. Or, maybe, “He was never personally approached by his boss, who was quite blatantly despised Draco, and had never pretended otherwise.”

"The need for a more stable and less shaky relationship with his boss and his need for a change of scenery gave Draco the strength to give in and do what Gawain had asked of him.”
--I think this gets a bit wordy. “More stable” and “less shaky” mean the same thing, anyway, so I would suggest cutting the latter and rearranging. Maybe something like, “The need for a more stable relationship with his boss, as well as a desire for a change of scenery, persuaded Draco to give in and do what Gawain had asked of him.”

"Always be weary of strangers, no matter who they are.”
--“weary” ought to be “wary”. Also (and this is really nitpicky), maybe saying “no matter who they claimed to be,” would convey your idea a bit better, since the point is that she doesn’t actually know who a stranger might be.


I had to really look to find things to pick at, though. I do CC as a rule, but you didn’t make it easy. ; ) You’ve done a really good job with this. Oh, and whenever I give suggestions, it’s not that I’m saying you should use my words (I mean, you’re welcome to, if you like). But I just prefer when people give examples along with their suggestions; I find it more helpful. However, if it offends you or anything, or you prefer a different format of CC, please let me know! There’s no point to it if it doesn’t help you, and everyone’s different.

Also, I don’t know if you’re British or not, but if you aren’t then you’ve done a good job of sounding British. At least by my American standards. Great job, overall. I’m excited to read more (including those under-reviewed later chapters).

--Penny

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the CC!! I'm trying to do some major editing, because my earlier chapters were written when I had no idea about my writing style and what was proper. Hopefully you didn't read on yet!

I really strive to make good characters so I'm happy that you like both my Draco and Anaxandra :) They are my potential pairing, so look out for that when the time comes :)

Again thank you for reviewing. You had awesome CC that will help me so much in my writing!

--Monica


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Review #17, by shez Restless

13th February 2014:
Hey there! Saw your forum message and thought it would be good time to catch on my reading PUTP. And give the chappie some love :) (I also hate it when you put so much effort in writing something and people are too lazy to review).

Anyway there's so many awesome things occurring in this and the previous several chapters I'm not sure where my sleep-deprived self should start.

So I'm really loving all the developments thus far. This fic is definitely enjoyed more when read in a binge as opposed to, say, three chapters at a time. Astoria and Draco drifting apart, Draco and Ana drifting closer, Ron and Harry and Draco being...well, themselves I guess, and ANDERS (can I just say that I love him? Though I never liked Anders in DA2. But your Anders reminds me more of Varric haha. Love his relationship with Draco and the 'Nancy' comments.

ANDERS. I love the Ana-Anders sibling relationship--They have a bit of a sibling rivalry but still care very deeply for each other. Wow this chapter was action-y! Ana's transformation at the sound of Draco in danger is very scary and visceral (budding feelings there, right? right?). I'd probably make a comment on plot here but I'm sleepy and don't quite know where it's going to go (which is good thing! Keeps my interest) so I guess I'll just keeping reading. After I finish my hw haha.

I have to say the quality of your writing has definitely changed from the earlier chapters. The dialogue/banter reads really well. Description, setting, tone--it's all pretty consistent (and makes me so reminiscent of Dragon Age I want to go replay the games. again. WHY?)

I'll come back for the last two chapters at some point with better reviews. (Sorry for the lameness of this review. I'm too sleepy to be alive).

Anyway, keep writing! Don't give up on this story or Templars will hunt you down! :)

(youshouldwriteDragonagefanfictionitdbeawesome)

Author's Response: Oh gawsh, now I feel like a complete whiner, which I particularly am when I'm sick. Ugh, flu season :(

YOU PLAY DRAGON AGE? I'M BLOWN AWAY RIGHT NOW. And go replay them girl, that's what I'm in the middle of doing right now haha. Did we talk about this before? Surely I would have remembered. BONDING MOMENT.

I'm glad that you noticed my evolving writing style. I've been trying really hard to suck up all the criticisms and really change for the better. You noticed, and I completely adore your writing, so I'm actually kind of blushing right now haha. I'm editing my earlier chapters as well to read much more like these current ones. Merlin knows they need editing haha

Oh, that reminds me, if you wanna tear my chapter apart, go ahead. I'm so in need of CC. Like you said, my writing style has changed, but it's not where I want it to be yet. Any suggestions are welcome :)

Isn't Anders so sassy?! I definitely pulled more from Anders in the DA:O DLC than in DA2.

I'm so scared to write DAFF! I've read some of a friend's and it completely blows me away what she does with it, so now I'm like, I think I'll wait till my writing gets better haha.

There are so many budding feelings you have no idea hahaha. I can't wait for you to read more!

Thank you so much for providing me with some sort of validation on my writing! And thank you for taking the time to review!

--Monica


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Review #18, by Rumpelstiltskin Loss

28th January 2014:
Hello!

I absolutely love how you dropped us readers directly into the action! That was awesome! I mean, I have absolutely no idea why Anaxandra is running in the beginning (not that I'm supposed to right away), but you conveyed her terror brilliantly! I love action, and this is some fantastic action!

I can't imagining how frightening this must be: people invading your home in the middle of the night, having the intent to kill or harm or capture you and your family, knowing your sister has been found. Then, of course, being told to by your father to leave him -- to escape with your mother. And then, having your mother abandon you in said escape to return back to your father's aid.

She's never going to see them again, is she?

I'd imagine, from the burning house, that no, she really isn't going to see them ever again.

Wow, that was an intense first chapter, not to mention a fantastic hook!

This was fantastic!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: REVIEW 150! THANK YOU!

Sadly, not every chapter afterwards is as gripping. This was my first ever fanfic, so I didn't really have good development till later in the story. And if you read on, you'll know what happens with her family! *hint hint* Haha. Thank you so much again for reviewing!

--Monica


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Review #19, by marauderfan Truthful

22nd January 2014:
Hi! I figuredit was about time I got back to reading this again, its so good! Firstly sorry i am typing this on a tablet so i apologize for any weird typing. Ana's brother and sister are alive!!! I had wondered that early on, but then there wasnt anything aboutthem for a few chapters so, like Ana did, I thought they were dead. Yay they're not! But her conversation with her brother was so sad, how he blames her for the deaths of their parents. I hope he will come to his senses soon and be thankful that at least Ana is alive.

Ooh that section at the end was super intriguing, who was that and what was happening? So suspenseful. Anyway, great chapter! And I'm sorry about this messy review haha

Author's Response: It's okay, I totally understand the whole tablet thing haha.

Yay! You're back into reading it and thank you so much for thinking it's good!

Yeah, Anders was harsh :( But if you read on, you'll see what happens. And it's alright! Any review is helpful, messy or not :)

Thank you for the review!

--Monica


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Review #20, by Pixileanin Loss

18th January 2014:
Hi there! I'm tagging you from the Review Tag.

Wow, that was quite the prologue-esque first chapter! It had all kinds of teasers in it: what happened to her parents? Who did this horrible thing? Where is she going now? I don' t even think she has a clue. Her mother leaves her alone. She's just lost everything. Oh gosh. The tension!

I admire your fast-paced pulse-gripping action here. The uncertainty, the imminent danger, the screams and her mother acting completely irrationally and staying behind... wow. I felt the terror and the break-neck speed of it. I think the not knowing really heightened the emotional content of this scene, and it was all very effective.

That voice, the "come out, come out, wherever you are!". I can guess who that might be, but I'll keep that to myself for now. I could be wrong. There are some seriously twisted people behind this, I can feel it.

You really set this up as a "never look back" kind of story. Your character truly has nothing to look back at. It's all gone! You definitely delivered on the suspense.

This looks like an exciting pull to the next chapter. I will have to come back and see what happens next!

A great read!

Pix

Author's Response: Wow! That was fast! Haha

Thank you. Sadly, the following chapters move much slower than this, and only a few of my chapters have this fast-paced action type of thing going on. This is my first fic I've ever written, so I didn't really know how to go about developing the story and the characters. Now I've got my mind right, the last six chapters are a little better than the beginning :)

But I did get the reaction from you that I want from all my readers, which is suspense and anxiety. I'm glad that my description is very effective :)

Hope to see you back soon and thanks for reading :)

--Monica


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Review #21, by toomanycurls Unpredictable

14th January 2014:
Um, I'm here to celebrate you being BACK ON THE FORUMS. Seriously missed your face (your, um, forum face).

Oh dear, trying to help plan his wedding *and* putting up with everything at work? That's not a recipe for fun, let me tell you. Aw, Draco kind of pulled that out of the fire!! hmm, is Draco hating red a new thing?

Your description of the sun in the bathroom is so lovely. It brought me back to summer and warmth.

Anaxandra snooping should be fun. Gawain thought Draco was having 'relations' with Anaxandra? I mean, there were feels there, but relations makes it sound so... pervy.

Ah, my memory is failing me - she thinks Draco is a liar... I've forgotten why. I remember the discussion Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione had in the kitchen when they didn't think she was listening. It seemed a bit random for Harry to mention growing up in a broom cupboard. Was that his way of connecting with her?

Oooh, it's because Draco gave up her name. Right?

You can't end the chapter like that!!! Ah!!

-Rose

Author's Response: THANK YOU I'M SO GLAD TO BE BACK! My forum face missed you too!

Draco hating red isn't a new thing, but I would challenge you to think about this: Why would Draco get Astoria red earrings if he hated the color red? I mean, this is still Draco Malfoy, right? If he thinks something is hideous, he isn't going to go for it. Just something to think about :)

I'm glad you liked my description :) I'm trying to get better!

Well I think if you were put in his shoes, and you had no idea what was going on with Draco and Ana, you'd think they were having 'relations' too :P Hahaha now you have me thinking it's pervy.

Yup! He gave up her name, and he wasn't supposed to! Bad Draco! And yeah, Harry was just being Harry. Trying to sympathize with her in some way, and make her feel more comfortable being around him.

And I DID end the chapter like that! LOL


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Review #22, by ShadowRose Loss

8th January 2014:
So you requested this review back in August, and I'm only just getting to it now - that's just a bit embarrassing. Anyways, I figure there's no time like the present, so here I am!

Anaxandra is a very interesting character - it's rare to see a character represented in fiction that doesn't go back for their family. However, a scenario like that is actually more common in real life than the stories make it out to be, so I like that she doesn't go back. It makes her human; she's not trying to be some hero, she's lost and confused, and she just wants to get out of there alive.

I like the way you portray her emotions - it's very clear that she's scared and horrified, and it's clouding her judgement and she makes some very hasty decisions. It feels fast-paced and rushed, which is exactly how the actual scene is, and it makes it all that much more realistic and interesting for the reader, because it creates a great deal of tension. Obviously, her character won't be this way throughout the whole story (at least, I hope she's not stuck in life-or-death situations for the entire story), so it'll be interesting to see how this scenario (and its implications, as I'm guessing her family - or most of it - has been killed) affects her, and how her personality is independent of being chased by people trying to kill her.

The description in this chapter isn't too detailed, but I think it works well here. Anaxandra is so frantic that it makes little sense to take the time to go into intense details about her surroundings - given that it's from her point-of-view, I hardly think she'd be focused on every little detail of the scenery. I do like, however, the description of the fire that you use at the end - I almost think it could be elaborated on. As horrible and destructive as it is, fire holds a sense of beauty as well, and I think you could definitely linger on that - and connect more of her memories as well, because I think that's definitely a great detail you have there, and it kind of helps capture the idea that her life is flashing (or burning) before her eyes.

Overall, I think this is a very interesting chapter to start off with. It draws the reader in immediately with a lot of action and drama and chaos, and also poses a lot of unanswered questions - why are these people after her and her family, for one. It really poses as a great starter to answer some of these questions later in the story, and definitely serves to hook the reader. Fantastic job with this first chapter, and feel free to re-request (I swear it won't take 4 months this time)!

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing and it's alright. I don't mind waiting :)

I'm glad that you really understand what I was trying to pull off with this chapter. A lot of other opinions have been to add more detail and more emotion, but I felt like that would totally bog down the whole point that I was trying to get across.

I'm glad you enjoy it! I actually am not welcome on the forums anymore, so I can't re-request but if you enjoyed I'd be very excited if you kept reading :)

--Monica


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Review #23, by SkyEcho Pawn

17th December 2013:
Hi MC_HK!

This chapter really allowed me to get a better sense of Anaxandra - and I loved it! I especially LOVED the part where she creates the night's sky on the ceiling. Beautiful. I'm definitely liking her and rooting for her.
I also enjoyed seeing the interactions between Anaxandra and Draco. It's interesting, yet believable, that he'd withhold information about her from his boss. And coupled with Anaxandra's thoughts that they're similar in some way - it really works to add an element of intrigue to their relationship. I look forward to finding out more about this.
The bickering between them was done very well. My favourite line has to be when Draco says, "Better feed the beast, Synder."
I felt bad for Draco when it was revealed that Gawain didn't follow through on his promise to relieve him of those extra files.
You've left me feeling for your characters! Great chapter - and I can't wait to find out what happens next :)

Author's Response: So glad you enjoyed this chapter! I'm glad that you got a good sense of my characters in the beginning chapters. That was my intention :) Also glad you like the dialog up because I feel like that's what makes a character and the fact you think they work well in a conversation is relieving.

Alright hope to see you back soon! Thank you for reviewing!

Monica


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Review #24, by Mizz Volturi Surrender

16th December 2013:
really good and very intense story line! Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I appreciate it and I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far :)

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Review #25, by rozen_maiden Surrender

16th December 2013:
You suck, woman! That's all I'm going to say... obviously I'll have to wait for my squee moment *pouts* However, there was a delicious amount of Anders, so ;)
I've already told you - loved the interrogation scene, loved the hunting scene, loving the Anders/Draco love/hate thing (Dranders?). Can't wait for more :)
Also, I think we are now on completely, completely different timezones, so here's my email if you want to talk! kittieth at hotmail dot com
If not, back in a month so I'll surely catch you...maybe...sometime...
No Irish man for you yet, brain twin, but I'm on the lookout!

Author's Response: Oh you and farm girl with your pouting LOL. Don't worry I've just relocated the scene and it will be appearing in the next chapter :)

Haha! DRANDERS lol I love it!

Ah I can't wit for your return and I will definitely email you soon! Miss you brain twin!


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