Reading Reviews for The Defeat of Voldemort
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane Petunia’s Fear

6th August 2013:
I like the way you show Petunia having some concern for Harry and his friends and her feelings about how her sister was killed.

Hmm, I suspect Remus knows something or rather he doesn't seem like he remembers, but I think he KNEW something or got a hint of something. I do believe now that the Magus are to be trusted, because I think Remus's impressions here are likely to be accurate.

I like the way you show the reactions of various people to the disappearance, rather than just forgetting they exist.

I'd like to hear more about this bedtime story Ron heard. Hope he remembers it at some point. I'm guessing it'll be relevant.

I think you portray Remus's gentleness and understanding really well in the few lines he has. We immediately see him deal with the situation very differently than somebody like Mad-Eye would.

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I really think that she does care about Harry and his friends even though she goes to great lengths to hide it, perhaps because of Vernon. It seems to appear when things get most dire for Harry.

Remus does know something about the Magus but it's been so long since he's read about them.

Ron will remember the bedtime story at some point and it will be relevant. :)

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #2, by MargaretLane A New Path to Travel

6th August 2013:
Hmm, this sounds really interesting. Nice to see other versions of how Voldemort was defeated and how the series might have ended.

Love the line "emotionally, his heart refused to accept it".

And Ron and Hermione's reactions to the thought of the Dursleys possibly being targeted because of their connection to Harry seem totally in character, as does Harry's own reaction. No matter how much he hates the Dursleys, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want them, or anybody, suffering because of him.

The one criticism I'd have is there seems to be a lot of "telling" going on here. I know you are summing up what's happened between the end of Deathly Hallows and this and some of it is really good and gives us a good insight into how Harry is thinking, like showing his feelings on Dumbledore's death and his breaking up with Ginny. Actually, the latter seemed to be rather glossed over in canon and I like how you deal with it. But some of it might be better if it was shown. It's a bit like Harry is just listing what happened and as if the story hasn't really started yet. Seeing the Dursleys interacting with Ron and Hermione or Hermione fussing over how to protect the Dursleys would be interesting.

Really like the appearance of the shadowy person. You write it really well and it's quite surprising, which I guess is how Harry is feeling as well. It also gets some suspense going, apart from the obvious about how they are going to defeat Voldemort and if anybody will die and so on. I am now really interested to know who this character is.

It crossed my mind it might be Dumbledore having faked his death in some way too.

Hmm, this is really interesting. I THINK these people are good guys, but I wouldn't be 100% sure. I think it's all a bit suspicious.

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I've added your suggestions into my file. Now that I think about it, the first chapter usually does include a fair bit of narration to catch up what has happened before the story begins. I'll need to change it up a bit to make it more dynamic...

Caerwyn and Dilys are good guys, but have had to learn secrecy because they are different and more powerful than other wizards and witches.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #3, by DougA Petunia’s Fear

31st July 2013:
OK, interesting chapter. Pacing is a little slow, but it's your story, and there is nothing wrong with letting things build. Things don't have to be all flash/bang at the start. We get that Petunia might actually be concerned about Harry, and a start of the buildup to what our trio (quartet ?) are going to be learning. I like the use of Remus, and that he seems to be using his wolf senses to check for the kids. I like Remus. One of my favorite stories with him is Echoes From the Chamber by hubris. It hasn't been updated in a while, but makes good use of our favorite werewolf. Interesting use of the letter writing by Ginny. I assume this will get her more into the main part of the story. All in all, well done. Til next time.

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I'll look at the chapter once more to see how to pick up the pace just a little bit.

Ginny has her own path to follow first before joining the Trio.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #4, by DougA A New Path to Travel

26th July 2013:
OK, I'm officially intrigued. I'll be watching for updates. And I love the idea of Ron and Hermione living with the Dursleys.

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

It's very interesting revising a one-shot into a longer story. :)

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #5, by Lady Asphodel A New Path to Travel

3rd July 2013:
Hey dear, I'm here from the "Review the Above" from the common room. :)


You don't know how long it's been since I've actually read a canon (besides the AU) fic. It's quite refreshing to read. :) Thanks for this.

This was also really well written from the beginning. But towards the ending... it seemed rushed. No offense or anything. There's barely any description... and I couldn't help but feel... a bit confused... I had to reread sometimes to grasp what happened... but I still feel like I haven't understood what went on. :(

I do acknowledge that you said it was your very earliest stories, so I can understand... sort of being a newbie from the start.

But all I really gotta say is be careful of going into action scenes. And in my opinion... I don't think Voldemort would have simply have been destroyed by the fire spell... and that quickly... I could understand if you had went into depth... of perhaps Harry getting powerful... and what not... or go into detail of how different Harry & Ginny was from the last time Ron and Hermione had seen them so it would give more significance to the story/plot. Kick me if I had comprehended incorrectly.


Anyways, it was still a nice read. I just think this should have been a novella/novel more than a one-shot.

But keep on writing though. ^_^ Never get discouraged.


- Asphodel

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I enjoy writing in canon, especially the points that aren't seen in the books per se.

If I remember correctly, this was the second story I had written. I had deleted it with this year's April Fool's joke that I completely fell for. I revised it and put it back up.

I'm in the middle of revising this story to add in more descriptions and to include more of what happened.

You make a good point that Ron and Hermione should notice the differences in Harry and Ginny and I've added that note into the chapter. Thank you!

I'll see if I'm able to make it into a multi-chapter story, which does seem very likely.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #6, by UnluckyStar57 A New Path to Travel

9th June 2013:
Hi!! I'm going to review your story now... Here I go!

So... Before I say anything else, I'd just like to say that I think this could really be quite an epic novel, should you ever choose to extend it. I mean, I've never read much AU stuff, but I feel like you're really going somewhere with the red cloak business. It would be cool if you could start somewhere around their fifth year and carry onward to the ending, adding more scenes, more mystery, more... Everything!

I think that would be very cool, indeed!! :)

Some constructive things:

I truly think that you could flesh this whole story out with a little more dialogue. I know that Harry and Ron at the beginning are kind of reflecting back on the events that have already transpired, but you could show them in flashback with greater detail for a more impactful... impact. (Sorry for my anti-eloquence... It's getting late at my house!) Or if you choose to extend this one-shot into something more, you could actually show the scenes as they happen and then have the characters think back over them as you wish them to.

I also would really love to see more gripping descriptions of various elements in the story. For instance, you could go a long way by showing us exactly what Harry is doing in a red cloak, and how he came to be wearing one. That would be really awesome to have some insight on, which is part of the reason why I think you should turn this into several chapters. I'd also like an explanation for why he took Ginny and not Hermione or Ron, his best friends, and for why they don't come back after the war.

Spelling note! "Diregible Plum plants" can be "Dirigible Plum bushes" or "Dirigible Plum trees." (I'm not sure if they're bushes or trees; you might want to look that up on the Harry Potter Lexicon!) I just think it would flow more pleasantly if you declared them bushes or trees instead of just plain plants. Very nitpicky, I know, but hey, that's all I've got! :)

And as for sentence length: Your choppy style is really cool (I'm kind of a long-sentence type, so I admire you!), but sometimes you get just a tad too choppy. It makes it a bit harder to get the description across, and sometimes even the emotion. But as far as emotion in sentence length goes: Try to picture yourself in that particular mood, and think of the things that you would say. Then try to model your sentence structure after the things that you're doing! Sometimes, it's really cool to have sentence length/structure mirror the feelings of a character. It really adds a lot in the way of raw meaning, I think!!

That's all I've got to say about all of that stuff! Thanks for requesting a review from me, and I really do hope that you choose to lengthen this story, if only a little bit. :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

As it happens, I do have a story that would tie in with this that begins just after the 5th year. I pulled it up last night and realized it needed serious work. It might be easier to take the premise and start it over.

I've added a note to add more dialogue, either by flashback or by adding in scenes.

I may have to make this at least a short story to explain why Harry is now wearing a red cloak and how he came to be wearing that the red cloak. As well as why he chose Ginny instead of Ron or Hermione. And why neither Harry nor Ginny returned after the war.

I have fixed the spelling for Dirigible and made them into bushes.

I've added a note to work on the sentence lengths to make it a little easier to read and portray the various descriptions and emotions better. Thank you for the advice on including emotions into my sentences!

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #7, by HeyMrsPotter A New Path to Travel

28th May 2013:
Hello! Here from the forums for your review. I am SO sorry it's taken me this long to get around to doing it, it was my birthday over the weekend and I got a little distracted!

I really like your characterisation in this story. The little character quirks are lovely, I particularly liked the paragraph after Harry goes missing when they're all sitting around the table.

You create a good sense of mystery throughout, with the disappearances and the mystery characters, it definitely kept me interested.

The general flow of the story is good, adding the dates of each event helped but didn't interrupt the flow which is good.

There are some good descriptions but I think there is room for some more, particularly the garden in the end of the story, I'd like to know more about it.

I did spot a couple of errors:
"Answers that would now go unanswered." I think should be questions that would now go unanswered?
"Wizangamot" should be Wizengamot
"Mom" should be mum as the characters are British.
"11" should be written as words, as a rule any number less than 100 should be written in word form rather than number.

Overall I liked this, it's the first time I've read an alternative defeat of Voldemort story but I definitely enjoyed it. Good job!

Author's Response: Hi! It was no problem!

Thank you very much!

I have corrected the errors you pointed out. "Answers" is now "questions", Wizengamut is spelled correctly, "mom" is now "mum" and "11" is spelled out. Thank you!

I've added a note in my file to add more descriptions, particularly of the garden at the end. I will be working on that.

This piece was one of my first stories. I got taken in by the April Fool's Day theme this year (How can you completely forget what April 1st is? Exhaustion is the only thing I can plead.) and deleted a few stories that had romance too intertwined. I reposted this story after April Fool's Day had passed.

Thank you for reading and reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #8, by caoty A New Path to Travel

14th April 2013:
Hey there, I'm from the Gryffindor Review the Person Above You thread. :)
I chose this one because I'm a fan of both AUs and one-shots, and this had no reviews; I hope that's okay.

This one-shot has to be one of the more interesting ones I've read recently. The ambiguity of your plot and your spot-on characterisation, particularly of Ron and Hermione, combined with the simplicity of your language make this refreshingly different from a lot of fic on HPFF.

You've also got a few excellent turns of phrase, such as:
his grip on the wizarding and Muggle worlds were beginning to strangle it.
You really know how to pick your metaphors, and it shows.

I've got a couple of criticisms for you, too:

First of all, your sentence structure and punctuation can often get a little too simplistic - because while that works for the majority of the one-shot, it gets somewhat monotonous because you like to use a lot of full stops in places where more varied punctuation and complex sentences could be used instead. This is probably just a taste issue on my part, but IMO you could stand to change it up a little.

A couple of minor things before I shut up:
"I TOLD YOUR 16 YEAR OLD SELF THAT WAS NOT TRUE," The first voice cried out.

Voldemort paled.

First up, your grammar's wrong - the dialogue should read:
"I TOLD YOUR 16 YEAR OLD SELF THAT WAS NOT TRUE," the first voice cried out.
'The first voice cried out.' does not make sense as a standalone sentence.

Secondly, I'm not entirely sure Voldemort would have enough knowledge of Harry and diary!Tom's interactions in CoS to be sufficiently intimidated by this.

Also, wouldn't Ginny be a bit more wary of following friendly yet mysterious things, particularly boys, after CoS?

Anyway, feel free to disregard my criticism if you don't agree with this. It was a pleasure reading this story, and I wish I could have written a more helpful review.

Well done!

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

And thank you for the corrections in grammar. I will work on correcting the mistakes and update it. I am always looking for ways to make my writing better.

My thinking for Voldemort reacting to the voice's assertion is that Voldemort would remember when he made the diary his Horcrux and his views have not changed since he made the Horcrux. The realization that an unknown person interacted with his 16 year old self would mean that person found his Horcrux and possibly destroyed it.

Yes, Ginny has shown to be more cautious of following mysterious things. But in this instance, after having grieved for a long time, when Harry appeared and called her, she took a chance. Ron and Hermione both recognized the voice, but couldn't see who it was. And because they believed Harry to be dead, didn't think that it could have been Harry.


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login