Hi! I'm here for your requested review. =)
It was a very haunting & beautiful one-shot. I liked the way you varied the story with a current moment and flashbacks. Usually the flashbacks can be bit distracting, but in this case, they made the whole story rather bitter sweet.
Descriptions were excellent, the girl's natural sweetness compared to her gruesome fate really made a difference here. It would be nice to read a sequel for it, since it left me with quite many questions. Like did he ever revenge her fate? Or did he just accept it, and move on?
The flow was really nice, and the way you started by comparing their relationship to colliding planets intrigued me.
His anonymity kind of puzzles me. Since she didn't use his name even when she said she loved him, I'm not sure if she ever understood the danger she was in, or if she even really knew his name. Probably not, since she was a muggle.
His aunt does give Bellatrix run for her money. Then again she might very well be one of the lesser Malfoys or the Blacks. Those families have produced so many loonies throughout the years, that the aunt would fit right in. Considering that they were clearly quite respected family, since Voldy himself bothered to stop by, and the mansion they had indicates the wealth, maybe my guess is not so far from the truth?
I enjoyed this one-shot, and could have read more of it. But then again maybe it's better this way, since it was the incredibly sad story.
If you've questions about my review, you can PM on the forums. Other than that, happy writing! =)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I really wanted the anonymity because it was less about him as it was about Jayme. WHEEE! I am so glad you liked the aunt, she was my favourite! I am so glad you liked it, thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Hey Camille, I’m here with your requested review!
I really liked how you started this. Those four words just seemed to carry so much power and potency, and it let you know what this one-shot was going to be about. It also meant that you wanted to carry on reading; so many things could be a mistake, so I think your use of ambiguity here worked really well.
I really liked the flashback too. Even though this female, and male, character is still relatively unknown to us, we got to learn a bit more about her character, and I liked how she seemed rather different to most women of that time, as it made a great change. You seemed to add some originality to her, and I really enjoyed reading that.
The third section, the one about the Aunt was great as it revealed more to us, and due to the use of ‘crucio’, it seemed to tell us that it was Bellatrix, because who else would use that curse without fearing about the consequences?
I really liked the romantic flashback, it was just so sweet, and contrasted nicely with the dark scene beforehand. By having that it also meant that we got to know more about their relationship and that meant we were more likely to feel emotion when the ending happened.
I really liked that you made your MC date a muggle, as it just seemed to work so effective, and then what Bellatrix had to do at the end was just so dramatic. I didn’t think I would feel that sad about her death, and what happened to the MC, due to the ambiguity of it, but it worked in this story, and you felt as if you really connected with the characters.
I think the little flashback at the end was a great way to end it, as it was just so sincere and you could tell how much they meant it.
I have no CC’s and I thought it was an excellent one-shot!
-Kiana :DAuthor's Response: EEEK! OH NO. I TOTALLY THOUGHT I HAD RESPONDED TO THIS LIKE... A MONTH AGO, SOMTHING MUST HAVE HAPPENED! I AM SO SO SORRY KIANA! :(
Anyways, thank you so much for the review, your's are always the best. You know it's really surprising because everyone has been saying that the Aunt was Bellatrix but I never really intended for that. But if that's what you saw then it's okay, because that's the beauty of it. Meep. I am in the habit of killing characters. it's not good.
Thanks again for the review! :) Report Review
This, my friend, has to be the most angstyly-romantic thing I have ever read.
The description of Draco's (at least I think that's him) feelings were absolutely stunning. What he saw, what he felt, incredible. I was clinging to every word and was not able to stop reading until it was over.
Even when we don't know much about Jasmine, you take the reader to actually feel sorry for Draco's loss, and even a little about her being tortured like that; I can't say that I felt sorry for her dying, but I did felt relieved that she did, cause that ended her suffering.
Anyway, I believe that the way that you used the curse was definitely spectacular, especially since Bellatrix used it as some sort of initiation for Draco to get the Mark.
To finish my rant, I have to say, this is a STUNNING piece and it goes directly to my favourites and I loved every little piece of it.
-- Andrea.Author's Response: Hi Andrea! Thank you so much for your review! This actually was not Draco, but rather just a "faceless" soon to be death eater. But if you saw him as Draco, that's great too! I left him like that just so that you could picture him anyway you wanted! Once again, I am so glad you liked it, your review totally made my day! :)
Camille Report Review
I don't like sad endings. They make me all sad. And it worked I'm all sad now. Its very well written. You are very good with describing emotions without over doing it which is a gift, I tell you!
I liked it, in a sad way.
Good Luck with your challenge, other writer better watch out!xx
Thankyou for the swap!
EmAuthor's Response: Haha! Thanks! :) Report Review
Hi there! Thanks so much for entering my challenge, and I'm so glad to finally get around to reading this piece of spectacular writing.
The emotions in this one-shot were so raw and believable, I actually found my eyes tearing up a little bit-I do seem to be in a peculiarly emotional mood today. I start crying as soon as sad music starts playing on my favourite TV shows. Anyway, I've never really read anything that focuses so much more on emotion than character and I actually really like it. And I like the fact that we don't find out the name of your main character...that he remains faceless, in a sense.
The way you alternated between the past and present was fantastic, and really added another layer of depth to the story...and made the effects of the Cruciatus Curse seem even more horrible and horrifying. I thought the aunt was a great addition to the story-I especially liked the idea of the vein in her forehead pulsing, to portray anger.
Overall I thought this was an amazing one-shot-you should definitely be proud, and I am so grateful I got the chance to read it.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) Report Review
Yowza. It's difficult for one-shots to make me want to cry, but you did it. Maybe I'm just a sucker for forbidden love.
The flashbacks showed the contrast between the happy past and violent present extremely well. Almost too well. One second it's a devastating torture scene then it's a cute date.
There were a few typos that I noticed. For example, "two different planets spinning on different axles." I think that you meant "axes" instead of "axles" That isn't something spell check would pick up so it would help for you to comb through one more time.
The plot is both original and recognizable at the same time. The idea has been seen so many times before, but you still make it new and heart wrenching. Kudos!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate the review! I'll be sure to change that :) Report Review
Hey there! I saw your post in the Single Spell Challenge thread and decided to check out your story (I have entered too) =)
This was definitely a very well-written piece. I would liked to know more about who your main character was - I guess he was an OC - but I assume you've stressed more on his emotions rather than his character so that's fine too.
I enjoyed how the narrative switched from present (torture) to past (love). The transitions were very beautifully done, and the entire story had a haunting feel to it.
Jayme dying so suddenly and painfully was so heartbreaking, and the pain felt by your MC was very tangible throughout the piece.
And what can you feel when you’ve felt all there is to feel? - this line really got to me. It's like, he lost all ability to feel after watching his love die so ruthlessly, ghosh the feels!
The flashbacks were all incorporated really nicely too, and they gave an added insight into the relationship between Jayme and your MC, which was great.
All in all, your plot was heartwrenching, writing style was great, flow was very smooth, and the grammar was fine. It made for a marvellous story, and in fact I liked it so much, I'd love to podcast it. I am going to PM you about it on the forums and I hope you agree.
It was a pleasure reading this great piece of writing. Good work!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hello! Thanks so much for the review! It totally made my day! I cannot wait to see the podcast, and once again, I am so honored! :)
Camille Report Review
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