Hey... Darkwing Duck ;D
I can only read the first chapter now as I'm meant to be going out soon, but this was really good start. I feel so stupid reviewing this knowing it's a fake account but hey I'll carry on anyway as I liked the story!
I don't tend to like next gen due to everything being all happy clappy but this was a really different version to the cliched era. I've never see James and Albus hat each other so much, and for him to kill Lily! I can't wait to find out why he's so evil, and what made him kill Lily, I wonder if it's got anything to do with those geese ;D
Anyhow I'm going to carry on reading once I get back as I need to know what happened to Lily!
-Kiana :D Report Review
WOW! I feel like that's all I've got to say right now. Just WOW.
I've never read a story where James and Albus seem to have such hatred, or even a negative relationship at that! I've written them with their differences, but wow! It is definitely a nice twist to the stories here on the archives. And poor Lily! I just feel awful for this terrible but brilliant situation you have put the Potter boys in. I'm dying to know what has made Albus be so bad. And for him to kill Lily!
I really will have to read on when I get the chance! You've absolutely drawn me in. And really well written.
Great job! Hope to stop by again soon!
- Drue Report Review
This was another good chapter.
I really liked how you're delving into the background of the characters, and what's making Albus the way he is.
He seems kind of evil, and I'm not sure if it's his friends influencing him or him influencing them.
The geese was a little funny, but cruel at the same time and Albus didn't really seem to care that he had caused other people to become hurt.
It's good to see more of the tension coming out between Albus and James.
I really can't wait to read more, this is such a hooking story. You've written it brilliantly. Report Review
Oooh, spooky! What a great start to a story, I must say. I can really feel the absolute loathing that James has, and the grief and accompanying frustration that he has not been able to express that grief. Well done! And then, the twist at the end? Not what I was expecting. Sure, i've read a few next-gen stories where James and Albus are warring, but over this? The death of Lily, which James is blaming Albus for? Never. Now I want to know what the background to this stuation is, because it has to be very significant to be breaking up the family like this. Really, really well done. :) Report Review
Hey! Here for your requested review from the forums!
I am really liking this story so far. You had me intrigued from the first chapter itself and it is great that you decided to "go back" and show us what actually led to the events (of Lily's death etc.). So, great plot and writing style.
I liked how you started off the chapter on a mysterious note, I almost thought it was Lily's dead body James was checking, and then you showed us that it is their childhood and stuff, so that was good. I liked how you set the scene too and didn't jump straight into the nitty gritty.
So, Albus got sorted into Slytherin and began to alienate from the family, eh. It is a good start indeed, but I hope that you have a solid reason for Albus acting the way he is rather than just being sorted into Slytherin, because you know, the house cannot contribute to his "darkness". So, I am eager to see how you develop this plot line further. I did like the fact that you included a small part where it says that James didn't know that his mocking etc. contributes to Albus' darkness - that was a powerful section.
I'd have perhaps liked to see more description of Albus and his behaviour, more details on Harry and Ginny, and the situation, before you ended the chapter with the fight and James' thoughts, but nevertheless, it was a good attempt. Try to include more emotions and descriptions/details further though as they add to the story.
Besides that though, this was all pretty good. You presented the situation in an intriguing way, and it makes me want to read more. The entire chapter flowed smoothly and it had me drawn in. The final sentence was quite impacting - though as I said before, I'd have liked to see more emotion and details before you ended it.
I like your characterisations of young James, Lily, and Albus, and of Harry and Ginny too. The relationship between James and Lily seems to be very sweet and I am excited to see it develop before we go back in the present.
Oh and thanks for the sweet mention in your author's note. I absolutely loved the first chapter in all its intensity and darkness, but I think it is great you decided to backtrack a bit too as I enjoyed this chapter as well. I wasn't bored at all!
Great job! Keep writing! Please do re-request for chapter 3 if you wish to. I hope I didn't come across as harsh in all my suggestions/CCs.
I am liking the story and I can't wait to see how the plot develops. Good going!
(AditiDraco95) Report Review
Hi, I'm here for the review battle!
I was originally intending to read just the first chapter, but I was so hooked by your writing (and the shocking end to that chapter!) that I had to continue on.
Despite the fact that people were injured, I thought that the geese at the Halloween feast were quite funny. That scene provides a nice counterweight to the heavy content in the first two chapters.
I haven't read any other new gen stories that portray Albus as a completely evil character, so I can't help wondering whether some secret will eventually be revealed that exonerates him. That alone is enough to make me curious to read more. :)
I'm also intrigued by the brother-vs-brother plot line, it's a fresh take on the Slytherin vs Gryffindor conflict, and I like it. Report Review
I really liked this chapter, even if you did leave me on that cliffhanger and are still leaving me there :p I'll forgive you though.
At the beginning of this chapter, I actually thought that it was James seeing Lily dead, but it wasn't, I liked how you started out the chapter making it seem like it would be.
I really liked seeing the background of Albus and having him becoming withdrawn and upset, I wonder what happened to make him that way?
I hope that Harry and Ginny can maybe get through to him.
I can't wait to read more of this wonderful story! I'm definately adding it to my favourites :DAuthor's Response: Hello again!
I know it's hard to back track a bit but I thought it was really important to kind of show why this is happened, why it got this way.
Albus, I just kind of think that he is having mental breaks you know? he's just freaking out, and I tried to show that in the best way possible. The important part for me in this chapter though was to demonstrate James and Lily's relationship so you can really appreciate why her death was so very tragic for him in the first chapter.
Thank you so very much for this review! Report Review
Oh my god!
Okay seriously, you cannot write something that shocking and have that big a twist at the end and end it right there!
Seriously, I was not expecting that at all!
I love how you made that really shocking, and it was literally only a few hundreds words, that is really impressive.
I can't wait to read more, I really want to know why Albus done this, and what James is going to do? How is Harry and Ginny going to cope when they find out?
I loved how you wrote James's anger and pain, it felt so real I feel so sorry for him.
Seriously need to read more now! :DAuthor's Response: hahaha hello!
Well, I'm sorry for leaving you in suspense, but don't worry, we'll get there eventually :)
I've left a lot of questions, and all I can really say is make sure you read on!! :)
Thank you again! Report Review
Loving this story so far! Can't wait for the next chapter! Also, you have really great language that keeps the story flowing and engaging. Not that it wouldn't be anyway, because the plot is spectacular. You're first chapter just grabbed me; it was so intense. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thanks, Miranda! I really appreciate your review! Report Review
Hey there, I'm back! I'm glad you liked my first review :)
First of all, I was really glad that you backtracked and gave us more information about the Potter family. It was interesting and good to hear about where it all really started going downhill with Albus and how everyone could see it (minus Harry who was probably in denial).
Going back to the beginning, I really liked seeing the relationship between James and Lily. They seemed like they got along pretty well and I can tell it's going to be sad for me to read when we get to the present where she dies. I have a hard time reading about death :O
I also like how you characterized everybody. Everyone had their own personality and it stuck to it through the whole chapter. Harry and Ginny also seemed very in cannon, which is good because cannon is my fav ;D it's pretty hard to write for Harry, in my opinion so bravo on that!
I really like where this story is going and would love to either see some more background info or some present day in the next chapter! I don't really care which, I'm just excited for the next one! ;)
great job and post soon! :p
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Oh I am so thrilled to see you here!
I know, Lily's death is really super sad, and really quite shocking when you think about it but I wanted to do something that you really haven't seen on the archives. Plus I'm not a big fan of romance so I wanted to make this as unromantic as possible.
It's very important for me to keep people in canon, so I really appreciate your feedback on that.
Thanks again for all your support, it means the world to me!
-Scott Report Review
Hello! Here for your requested review from the forums!
This was indeed a very good and powerful start to your story. I think you did a great job introducing the scenario and your plot seems intense. I think the concept of James II and Albus being 'enemies' is a very unique one and I love it. The way you showed what happened - of Lily being dead and apparently Albus killing her - is quite twisted and expressed well. James' thoughts are very sharp too, and instantly struck a chord with me.
You asked about the flow, attention/interest, and tenses.
Well, the flow of this very smooth. I enjoyed your narrative - it was effortless and natural, and I don't see why you should be concerned about it. I think you have managed the flow of this nicely.
As for this grabbing attention, you shouldn't worry about it as this is definitely very captivating. I was very intrigued by the summary itself, and when I read this chapter, I was hooked and wished to read further. I think you have built the interest very well, and I am really looking forward to how the story plays out.
I didn't see any glaring problems regarding your tenses either, or the grammar in general. I think you did it just fine. I would however like to point out that you tend to use capitalization a little unnecessarily, so I suggest you tone that down a little. Also, some of your phrases can be phrased in an off sounding way, so give this a quick re-read and re-phrase any odd wordings (reading aloud usually helps to spot them). Or you could always get a beta.
Apart from that, this was a really well-written first chapter. Your plot, pace, flow, characterisation, and over all narrative seems to be quite good, so carry on writing!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Thanks so much for coming to my page to review.
I'm glad to hear the my chapter grabs your attention and can hold it. I have had some complaints about the caps so I will try to limit it in the future.
Thank you so much for your review. It was very helpful and i will use it to improve. Report Review
Hello, Laurenzo7321 here from the forums with your requested review!
Wow, I think this is a very powerful start to your story. You have me immediately hooked and I can't wait to read more! You keep the interest the whole way through by not giving away who James is looking for and it's a huge shock when it's Albus! He's written as a goody-goody in so many stories that I really look forward to seeing what you're going to do with him!
I thought the flow was great, like I said, you kept me very interested all the way through. I didn't notice any problems with the tenses but this isn't my strong point either!
There are a couple of things I'd point out, feel free to ignore if you disagree:
'Each breath was a painful blow to my ribs, which exploded with pain every few seconds.' This just felt a bit clumsy and I had to read it a few times. The second bit just seems a bit unnecessary.
'NOW, it is time for me to avenge everything that has happened to my family.' I felt the capitals at the start where again a tad unnecessary here.
A great chapter though, I'm really excited to see what else you come up with! I hope you re-request.
Lauren :)Author's Response: I really wanted the reveal of Albus to be a shock, because it is not something you would expect out of his character. I took great pleasure in writing that.
I'm glad to hear about the tenses, that was something that had me worried.
I do see what you're saying about the couple of passages there, I will try to reword them. I don't know why that sentence starts with all caps, thanks for pointing it out.
Again thank you so much for reviewing this ! Report Review
Hey there! I saw you were new to the Gryffindor Common Room and decided to come have a look at your story :)
Wow, this was intense! It was such a short chapter but I could already feel all the emotion and hatred James was feeling. I can't imagine what he's going through and I'm really anxious to read the next chapter.
I liked how you characterized James in this. He seemed very protective and loyal and I can see why he's going after Albus after what he did to Lily. and speaking of that, I'm really interested to find out what really happened!
Nice job on this and I hope you continue with it and update it soon! :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: That is so kind of you to come review my story! I think in this story, I wanted to portray James and Albus really as...complete opposites. I can't wait to build up and show you WHY it's like that!
I am so humbled you came to review, it means a lot coming from a fellow Gryffie! Thanks!
-Scott Report Review
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