Tag! I've heard this on HPPC, naturally I had to come review it on the archives too, because your writing style is just too pretty to pass up. :)
Oh my gosh, this is one of the most heart-wrenching stories. Draco's sadness is so tangible, and there's a whole lot of emotion communicated in such a short span of time.
I do want to add, thanks to listening to this on Harry Potter Podcast, I totally hear Julia's voice while reading this.
I love how you utilized your given title, "Come with Me" throughout the story, as it really tied everything together. The way you alternate between Catherine telling Draco to "Come with me" and Draco hearing the same words within his own mind shows how fully Catherine has infiltrated his mind, to the point that he hears her in everything.
I also think you utilized your "single spell" extremely well. I think the parallel between the spell killing Catherine and what he plans to do work excellently, and it really shows how attached Draco was to Catherine.
The description in this is gorgeous. It's sparse (which it really has to be, given the length), but really rich too. For example:
"His insides cringe as the words echo in his head. He stares into the darkness, hoping for it to swallow him. He wants to drown in it, to bury deep under it."
This is so effective, and really kind of gives off that hopelessness that Draco is feeling.
"Flashes of his father's blows flicker in front of his eyes. He thinks he should have been used to pain by now."
I've always felt like Lucius would be an abusive father, and you manage to throw that in there very succinctly, and it really shows that Draco already knows suffering, and that this is just so much worse.
"She has always called out to him. She has always led him down the right path. She has always shown him the best for him, and today she is showing him a way out of his anguish and guilt."
Wow, Another really deep and impactful line. It shows how much of an influence she has had on him, and how it has really changed him for the better, but now he feels empty without it. It pairs perfectly with the "Come with me"s, because now the line becomes so much more literal as she actually wants him to join him.
Speaking of which, Catherine is so realistic, that at times I almost feel like she is in the room with Draco, personified as a ghost.
Your flashbacks are so excellently placed. I feel like flashbacks can easily end up making the story disjointed, but in your case, it actually adds to the flow of the story, which I absolutely love. In one-shots especially, flashbacks are so important in order to establish a backstory, since your word count is so constricted.
I really can't find anything to CC on. I thought it flowed nicely and really gave off some strong emotions.
Overall, I thought this was absolutely gorgeous and I loved being able to both listen to and read it! Keep up the good work!
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for this amazing review! Apologies for the delay in responding!
Aw, my writing style is pretty? thanks!
I am glad that you felt that the emotion was communicated well as that was my aim.
Haha Julia's voice is awesome.
I contemplated long and hard on how to incorporate "Come with me" and when it hit me I felt it was such a brilliant idea that I couldn't pass it up, so its great to know you liked it.
I always found Avada Kedavra to be a cruel curse and wanted to show its implications specifically and this provided me with the chance so I am pleased you liked how I did it!
OMG you've made my day by quoting me the descriptive parts. I love when people quote in reviews, thank you!
I am flattered that the hopelessness Draco felt came through my words. I always felt that Lucius would be an abusive father too so I included that small detail. It definitely makes it worse, yeah.
I had to express Catherine's influence on Draco's life in very few words in this one-shot so I tried my best, and it's great to see that you think I did it well with that sentence there. Also, I am glad you found it to go well with "come with me"s.
Catherine is realistic? That's the biggest compliment ever, thank you!
I was worried too that the flashbacks will disrupt the flow but I am so relieved to hear that you think they added to the story flow here. Indeed, they're important.
Thank you so much for all your lovely comments. I am pleased that you found it to flow nicely and liked the emotional intensity. I love podcasts too, they really bring a story to life!
Once again, a BIG THANK YOU!! Report Review
This was a really poignant one-shot and your choice of perspective and descriptive style was beautifully chosen. Wonderful. A great story and an awesome interpretation to "come with me" as a challenge.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing. I am glad you liked this one-shot as it was something new that I attempted. Thank you for your lovely comments! Report Review
Hi! Review Tag!
Wow, this is super difficult to read. Not in a bad way! This is brilliantly written, and his pain is so raw and brutal that it's almost impossible to not feel what he's feeling.
You can even feel his horror as he relives her death, and his desperation as he takes the ultimate sacrifice. You write this very very well, and for a few minutes while reading this you drop straight into Draco's head xD
If I were to suggest anything, it would be to maybe draw out his reasoning of whether or not to, uh, bump himself off. It seems to happen a tiny bit too quickly to me. That's all :)
Great job!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I am pleased you found this well-written and could feel what Draco was feeling.
Its great to know that you think I captured his emotions well, and that you could connect with Draco.
I wanted to present it as a spur-of-the-moment decision, but if I ever edit, I'll take your suggestion into account. Thank you! Report Review
Wow, this was a dark story for Draco Malfoy.
Avada Kedavra is truly a dark spell, and now Draco finally realizes what it is capable of, physically and emotionally. Although I find it weird that it was Catherine's death that shook him up so much, and not his father's implied death that did. Maybe it was because she showed more sympathy to him?
You did a very good job of using the title throughout the whole story without it seeming cliche. It was a well thought out theme with the story.
Good JobAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
This was the first time I attempted such a dark piece so I am glad you liked it.
Yes Avada Kedavra is truly a dark spell and its darkness is often ignored so I wanted to explore it further. I also implied somewhere in the story that Draco and his father didn't share great relations, Draco was subjected to child abuse by him, while Catherine always helped him, healed him, which is why it was Catherine's death that shook him so much and not his father's. Of course he was upset by his father's death too but Catherine dying really hit him hard.
I am pleased you liked the whole use of the title and it wasn't cliche. I put in a lot of thought into the theme, so thank you! Report Review
Oh wow! This was just wonderful! I loved the way you tied in the title and really made it the center piece so to speak of the story. It was such an interesting read, and while it was dark, it was also so good! I loved it! I wanted to know more, more about them, and him, and how they had come to know each other but the little snippets we did see were great! I loved that she gave her life for his and helped him see the light. But most of all the usage of your title really made this stand out and I felt like it was just perfect! It was fun to read Draco like this, so in love with someone and idk it was just different, but a good different! The ending was so beautifully sad and just great! I very much enjoyed this oneshot! Great Job! Thank you for entering my challenge!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I am glad you liked it, and that you found this well-tied with the title. I had never attempted such a fic before so I am pleased that you found this interesting, dark, and good. Its good to know that you liked the concept of her giving her life for him, and helping him. I am so happy that you liked the usage of the title. Yeah it was different, it was AU, but I am glad you enjoyed it. I decided on the ending after a lot of contemplating so its good to know you liked it too. Thanks a lot! And it was great to be a part of your challenge. I hope to know of the results soon.
Cheers! Report Review
You've reviewed so much of my stuff, and I've hardly reviewed anything of yours! And I wish to have reviewed more, because your stories are always really engaging.
This isn't really my thing, but I'm a sucker for Draco fics. His characterisation is not canon, obviously, but it still seems realistic. Knowing what we know of him, if he ever did love like that, his actions here seem believable.
I was wondering about your choice of Death Eater in this. I thought someone like Bellatrix Lestrange would be more fitting, simply because it would be a double betrayal and all, considering he's her nephew and everything. Why did you choose Rodolphous Lestrange, especially because we know so little about him?
The ending was really sad, but also very moving and emotional. I think you handled it really well, in a touching and poignant manner.
Do you have plans to write other stuff like this in the future?Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I am pleased you find my stories engaging, thanks. Well, the story was AU so of course he wasn't really canon but I am glad it seemed realistic to you anyway. Yes indeed, I've always thought that if Draco loved like that, he'd be too much of a coward to live without his love.
Well, I chose Rodolphus Lestrange on pure impulse. I just didn't choose a famous death eater like Bellatrix because I am not sure if it would have been easy for Draco to kill her in rage immediately after Catherine's death.
Its good to know that you think I handled the ending well, with it being all sad and emotional and touching.
Thanks again for reading & reviewing. I am not sure if I will write something like this in the future yet. Depends on whether I get hit by inspiration or not! Currently, I am focusing on my short story though. Report Review
hey, it Whiskey from Review Tag!
Well, I love me some dark angsty stuff, so this was right up my alley :) To my enjoyment, it was also wonderfully written and structured!
I thoroughly enjoyed the connection you made between the rocking chair and the memory of the swing. Then, immediately, the words "Come with me" took on a new meaning, simply through the visuals you created of him rocking back and forth in anguish while mentally soaring in an idealized memory with a dead girl. I really liked the first part of the story, probably more than the second.
If I were to offer any advice (although this is all a matter of personal opinion), then I would say that the effect of the story would be stronger if you elave out the very last few sentences. What he is about to do is actually quite clear from the start. The sense of uncertainty an "open" end would leave might add instead of subtract from the desperation and unease of tone you have created. Convincing the reader that he has no other way out can be even more disturbing than showing them what he does, you know what I mean?
Just a thought...
Loved this one-shot, I can really see why you won the challenge :)
See you in the forums!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing.
Hi-five! I love dark angst stuff too. I am pleased you found this well-written and structured, thanks.
I wanted to establish a connection between Draco's present and past instead of straightaway jumping into the memory randomly, so I thought of the rocking chair, glad you liked that. Haha you make it sound a lot more awesome than the scene actually was, but thank you. I am pleased you liked the whole imagery that I tried to bring in, and the entire first part.
Thank you for your kind advice. I'll take it into consideration, and perhaps one day when I come back to this story and wish to edit it, I'll definitely think about what you suggested. Right now though, I am pretty content with the way it is =)
Thank you so much for all your lovely words, and advice though. I am flattered *blush* Report Review
Review tag :)
This is so sad!! I really liked the idea and how it was written after the war. Draco was very appealingly portrayed as well: I liked how though he had changed and joined up with the Order, he still maintained some of his arrogance and anger and was true to character.
You have some very nice imagery, such as " throwing her head back and enjoying the rustle of the wind around her as it kissed her tender body." I thought that was a great childhood image to associate with her, and it really set the poetic tone for the rest of the story.
I'm not sure how I feel about Malfoy as a victim of child abuse, but as that's your choice as a writer I think you handled it gracefully. The idea of Malfoy ending his life with the same curse that had taken Catherine's was tragic, but once again rationally handled and tastefully described. I thought the repetition of the phrase "Come with me" was effective in tying the piece together as well. :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing! I am glad you liked the idea of this. Being an AU of sorts, I wasn't sure if I portrayed Draco well but I am glad you liked him and felt he was still true to his character.
I absolutely love reading and writing imagery so I am pleased you liked what I did. Poetic tone, really? Yay! I am so happy I achieved that effect.
Well, I felt that Draco may have been subjected to child abuse now and then, as Lucius always seemed so harsh and cruel as a father. I played around with various possibilities of Draco taking his life, and then decided on it being the killing curse as it seemed most fitting. I am pleased you think it was rationally and tactfully done. I had never attempted such a writing style before, of a repetition of a certain phrase, so I am glad it worked.
Thank you so much! Report Review
This was really sad! I felt so bad for Draco! You've portrayed his pain so beautifully and vividly. It actually made me cry (and I'm usually not that emotional when I read, so that's a big deal!)
One thing that could make this better is if you check the change of tense in your story just to make sure that it's correct. I'll give you an example: 'Suddenly he is nine again, playing on the swing with her. She is soaring high in the air, her blonde curls tumbling behind her back, and he is listening to her laugh.
“Come with me, Draco! Come, fly with me!” She had called out to him, throwing her head back and enjoying the rustle of the wind around her as it kissed her tender body.'
You can go back in time and keep the story in present tense, like you did. 'Suddenly, he is nine again...' etc. But if you do that, I think you should keep the entire flashback in present tense, so that it would be: '"Come fly with me!" she calls out to him...'
I hope you understand what I mean :)
Overall, I really loved this story. With some minor alterations, it will be absolutely wonderful! :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I am glad you found this sad, and sympathised with Draco, and could feel his pain as that was my aim. I am sorry this made you cry, but thrilled at the same time. Thanks!
Oh thanks for pointing out that tense-part. I was a little apprehensive while writing it, because I wasn't sure if I was doing it the right way, but your comments are really helpful and I think I'll go back and edit it =)
I definitely understood what you meant. Thank you so much, I am pleased you liked my story! Report Review
Wow, just, wow. I have no words. I literally have no words.
This is probably one of the saddest things that I've ever read. You're an amazing writer and I could really feel the pain that Draco felt in this. It was just oozing off of him, I could feel his pain and I felt so bad for him.
I think the part that was probably the saddest was the part where he was asking Catherine for forgiveness once she was dead and the last part he was going to kill himself.
This is definitely a ten out of ten. Amazing job.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. Your review definitely made my day!
I am pleased that you could feel Draco's pain in this, as that was my intention. Yeah, it was all very sad for me while writing it too.
Thank you so much for your lovely words! Report Review
Hi! I'm here for your review request! I'm sorry for the long wait, life has been hectic for the last few months that every time I think I can keep up with requests something happens again! But I am here and I hope you find this review helpful!
I think the flow of this story is fairly good. I like some of the emotional imagery you have here. It really helps us relate to Draco's agony of losing someone he cared about. Some of the flashback's you incorporated also helped us see who Catherine was and what she meant to him. it helped the rest of the story flow better because there were hints of how far he'd go for her. So it made sense in the end that he'd go to his death for her again. However, this AU story happened very quickly which did leave me with questions on how Draco got there. Since this didn't stick with canon there were times that I was left wondering about his backstory. I wouldn't expect you to be able to put all of it in here obviously but being choosey with what you insert so that the flow from the beginning and end goes smoothly.
Characterization- it's interesting because you have some traits that are very Draco here. Enough that i think it's easier to hang on to the story and care about the outcome. So that is good. There are bits that are OC and off canon which isn't necessarily bad because this is an AU. However, i think some backstory might help the readers better connect with him. It's harder to talk about characterization in this short piece simple because a lot of what we knew of Draco is changed and we're going on what you're seeing here. I think for an AU to work best we need to know a little more about the motivations of the character for it to be believed fully. For instance - Lucius abusing Draco - does Draco in this universe still run to his father for everything? Or has that running turned to Catherine? Those are just a couple questions that remain unanswered with you mentioning that. Or Draco going to the Order - how was Catherine involved with them? Why did she get involved? Why was Draco allowed to associate himself with her if she was against Voldemort? Although i think it's great that you have some clear indications of the differences with this world and HP world i think if you took it one step further in some of the explanations/motivations and characterizations of both Draco and Catherine you'd have an absolutely brilliant story.
I think you strongest point here is emotional intensity. I think you've done a great job showing his obsession with that one spell, how it affected his life, and how it drove him to commit suicide. You do let the readers feel it and even though there are some unanswered questions you still feel bad for the predicament he's in.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. Sorry about the delay in responding!
I am pleased you find the flow smooth, and you liked the emotional imagery. I wanted to show a glimpse into Catherine and Draco's relationship with the flashbacks but not go into too much depth, so I am glad you think it made the story flow better. Well the story was more of a snippet rather than a full story - I didn't want to go into a lot of detail since I wanted to focus on Draco's thoughts and feelings more - so thanks for your comments, and I'll still try to see what I can do to make it less "incomplete".
Its good to know that you found some Draco traits in this along with the AU ones as that was my intention - to show a mix of canon and non-canon traits. As I said before, I wasn't too keen on filling more details/backstory rather just focus on emotions, but after seeing your comments I'll try to add a little more backstory to make it more connectable. I'll also try to answer the questions you think are left unanswered when I do an edit.
I am glad you liked the emotional intensity and the spell-centering part.
Thanks so much for all your suggestions and comments, I'll keep them in mind when I edit this. Thanks a lot! Report Review
Wow, this gave me goosebumps right in the end.
I would have never imagined this ending!
I believe that it's quite good, but maybe you could focus more on Draco's feelings? (It's probably just me, because I need a LOT of description of the emotions to actually understand what the character is feeling).
Right in the beginning I was completely drawn to the story, but I was just getting in the mood when the Order dialogue came in... (again, it's how it made ME feel).
And then came the last paragraphs, "He remembers his screams of agony and his mad rage"... Just wowed me. And then the end of it... blew my mind. I had never pictured Draco as the kind of man who would do something like that, but you made it seem like it made total sense! A-MAZING.
Keep on writing amazing things!
-- Andrea.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for dropping by.
I am pleased the ending caught you off guard, as that was my intention xP
I am glad you liked this. I'll take your advice in consideration and see if I can highlight more of Draco's feelings. I was aiming for less description but I'll see what I can do.
Hmm I am sorry if you felt the order dialogue interrupted the feel for you - I'll see if I can fix that.
I am glad you liked the last paragraphs, and the end. Thanks so much for your AMAZING review! Report Review
Hi! Mirasoul here from the forums, with your requested review.
This was a good piece of angst. Pertaining to plot, I found it incredibly intriguing, especially the very end. I had no clue he was going to kill himself; you sprung it on me, and it had the effect I think you were going for: shock, sadness, disbelief. I was jolted; that part was very well done. It flows as well; the story line is easy to follow and kept me interested throughout. In regards to emotional intensity, I did feel it a bit lacking. You make a great emotional connection with Draco--as I said, I was stunned and saddened by the revelation that he was about to kill himself--but I wasn't able to sympathize with the death of the girl because I don't know much about her. You give little snippets that give the audience a bit of information--they've known each other since they were children and she led him away from the dark side--but not enough to make her into an actual human being. I feel a bit like she's the third cousin, twice removed on my dad's side that I've never met yet I still have to go to the funeral. Maybe you can add in more snapshots that tell more about her, or even just describe her a bit more? That way we're able to feel Draco's pain of losing her along with him and be able to understand why he's taking such drastic measures.
Draco's characterisation is hard to comment upon because this is an AU story, so he can't really be similar to the Draco in the books, but as I said because, I think you did really great in making him someone the reader can feel for. I will say, though, that if you are staying loyal to his character in the first few books, I'm not sure if Lucius would beat him, seeing as he's more than a bit of a spoiled brat and runs to Daddy for every little thing. It would also make more sense with Draco's anger at Rodolphus for murdering his father.
Overall, however, I thought this was intense, and I liked it. Sorry if I come off as harsh at any point; I'm just rather blunt and don't like to sugarcoat when I review. I hope this helps! :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing. Apologies for the delay in replying!
I am glad you found this a good piece of angst and the desired effect came through. I am sorry if you couldn't connect with Catherine - she was more of a symbol than a developed character - but I'll see what I can do. Thanks for your advice!
I am pleased that you were able to feel for Draco as that was what I was aiming for. Thanks for your suggestions, I'll take them into consideration when/if I edit.
You were not harsh at all. I will take all your comments into consideration upon editing. I am glad that over all you found it intense and liked this. Thanks!
"He wishes that death had seized him the way it was supposed to, and had not grasped her instead." - Very powerful, commanding line that. Definitely my pick of this story, nice work.
So anyway, here to give you your review you requested while bubba girl is asleep (or meant to be!) :)
Right first things first. PLOT.
I didn't mind the plot in this, you hinted at Draco's dad being abusive, something that I honestly haven't seen in many newer stories lately (It was a really popular plot bunny back in the day when I first started writing, nearly 10 years ago, eeip!) and so that did surprise me, just because I haven't seen it done lately.
As for the rest of the plot, I liked the idea of Draco being filled with so much remorse over Catherine's death that he'd be feeling so depressed and capable of ending his own life, but I think that the relationship between Draco and Catherine could've been developed more than what it was. Like how they originally met, eventually fell in love and would die for one another. I know you hinted back to their earlier years, but there's still a lot to be left to interpretation as to what happened in between.
Because there wasn't as much backstory of their friendship becomming a romance, I am left questioning why Draco would be willing to risk his own life (given his canon self is so self centred and cowardly) to try and save anothers, and then eventually take his own. So, I do like the plot, but it could be developed a little more, just to fill in the gaps.
CHARACTERISATION: Again, kind of already mentioned tihs before in the plot side of things. I think you kept some aspects of Draco's persona correct and others could've been developed more to account for the situation he was now in with Catherine, to show the reader how they got together and how he fell in love. Also, given Catherine is an OC, it would've been nice to know more about her character too, aside from the fact she died. There was one conversation they had talking about going to the Order for help that I did find a little OC for Draco. I know he would've been scared and frightened, and wanted to do the right thing by Catherine, but just how it was worded - it sounded stilted and too mature for frightened teens.
Also, the inclusion of Rodolphus Lestrange was both confusing and different - I was anticipating Voldemort. But given the fact that you didn't introduce Lestrange before then or hint at his involvement before it happened, readers were kind of blind sighted by it in a way..
FLOW & READER ENJOYMENT.
Overall, I thought it flowed nicely, could be improved here and there by expanding on those things I mentioned before about character development and building on some plot foundations, but otherwise it was a nice one shot of Draco unable to deal with the most heartbreaking thing he's ever undured and deceided to end his life as a result. A morbid happy ending, I suppose lol. Nice work and hope this helped in some way, until next time! :) Bobby xxAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I apologize for the delay in responding!
Yeah, Lucius being abusive was a popular plot years ago, so I decided to bring it back in fashion xP
I am glad you liked Draco's remorse and such. I didn't develop their backstory much because I wanted Catherine to be more of a symbol than a properly developed character, so I left a lot to imagination. I think that the impact would have been less if I had focused on the background details. I'll consider developing the plot further though, maybe in the future - so thanks for your comments - but as of now I'll let it be as it is.
I'll try and go back to edit the conversation about the Order, to make it seem more like frightened teens. Thanks for the tip.
I just thought I'd include a random death eater, then I just sort of gave Rudolphus' name to it. I'll see what can be done further about that.
I am pleased you found this nice overall. It did help, yes. Thanks!
This was brilliant! You have really captured the emotions of grief, and I love your subtle way of flashbacks instead of saying "flash back" itself.
Your words were really inspiring and I hope to write as good as you.
From the review thread,
-AsphodelAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing! I am glad you liked it, and found the emotions captured well, and the flashbacks too.
Thank you so much for your high compliments! You've made my day! Report Review
This was quite heartwrenching in it's delivery. I was hoorible to read about him being in so much pain from lossing the love of his life to a ddeatheater. The sadness and heartbreak permeated the story through and through. I could feel his pain from the first sentence of the story. Great job.
I liked this story but for some reason it was hard to follow to me. I was trying to figure out what it was I think it had to do with the tense it was written in. I think grammatical it is correct but the reading was difficult for me. FYI, grammar is not my strongest attribute.
Great story and powerfully moving!
MegAuthor's Response: Hi meg! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
I am glad you found this heartwrenching, and that the sadness and heartbreak and pain came through well as that was my aim. Thanks.
I am sorry to hear that it was hard to follow for you. I wrote it in a broken form of sorts to express Draco's state of despair. Grammatically it is correct though, yeah.
Thanks for your kind words anyway! Report Review
Amazing ending! It was sad, but it was certainly very effective. I didn't get who Catherine is, but still she was so nicely characterized that I stopped caring about it. =] It was dark and painful, but Draco resenting magic is a very-um- innovative idea, I think.
Still, I'd love to have some more descriptions.
Ashwini Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. I am glad you liked the ending, and that it came across as sad as that was my intention. Catherine is more of a symbol rather a fleshed out character here which is why I didnt explain her much but its nice to know that it didnt bother you. Haha yes it is innovative thanks xP This was more of a broken-stream-of-thoughts kind of thing so I didnt put in a lot of descriptions and sometimes I feel 'less is more', but thank you for your comments! Report Review
Oh my gosh - that was chilling! It made my heart hurt :( I loved the ending. In a weird way I hope he found her, but I also don't want him to have died. GREAT story!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I am glad that this had the desired effect of being chilling. Thank you for liking the story =) Report Review
Tagging you from Review Tag 2.0.
This story was very dark and painful, and I thought you handled it exceedingly well. There's obviously a strong AU aspect to the whole thing and as a reader I have no idea who Catherine is, but that really didn't matter in the end. You showed me just enough about her to make me realize her importance to Draco, how she led him to the light and redeemed him from his service to the Dark Lord. And in the end, his uncle took her away, and now he's broken.
The idea that Draco Malfoy -- whose family was so intent on embracing the supremacy of magic and the importance of pure magical blood -- would find himself alienated from his love of magic was really powerful. It set a tone that you were able to build on as you took us through his tormented memories.
The imagery of a young, carefree Draco playing with his friend, pursuing her as they swing higher and higher, was another great piece of the picture. Going from innocence to such deep darkness and despair provided stark relief for Draco's grief.
I really liked the idea of Draco killing his uncle to avenge her death. That act closed the circle and nothing felt incomplete. His work, in a sense, was done. He's reached a point where there's nothing more he can do besides join her.
The image of him having to retrieve his wand, it having been cast aside as too painful a reminder, completed things for me. He's now going to use it one last time to rejoin her.
Your writing was great in this. Your word choice and the flow of the narrative perfectly complemented the subject matter. I didn't see a single typo or grammatical problem.
Very nicely done!Author's Response: Hey!
Thanks a ton for reading and reviewing!
I am pleased to hear that you think I handled this dark and painful story well - it was my first time attempting it! Yeah, there is an AU aspect but I wanted Catherine to be more of a symbol than a character which is why I didn't really develop her character much (hope that makes sense). Nevertheless, I am glad you think it worked anyway.
I wanted to play around with the idea of Draco sort of resenting magic - and it is good to know that the message came across.
I am glad you liked the young Draco playing on the swings memory as it was one of my favourite writing moments for the story.
Yes, I believed that he wouldnt have let his uncle live after what he did - as you said, then his work was done and now all he needs to do is join her. He lost his purpose in life, and so he shall join her.
Ah I am happy you noticed the significance of the little detail of him casting aside his wand and using it one last time - I put in some thought into it and its great that it completed things for you.
I am glad you liked my writing, word choice, and flow. Thank you so much for your wonderful review! Report Review
Wow! I'm not very good at reviews, so get ready to read something worthless:
I liked it! I wanted to steal this girl from Draco! What a sweet story. The flashbacks were heart wrenching, and the ending was sad, but I liked it (I must be some kind of masochist). Marvelous work!
Draco will grow on me...maybe.
Thanks for the good read,
soapman333Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
I am glad you liked it. Haha, feel free to steal her ;) I wouldn't exactly call it sweet but thanks. Haha you're no masochist, I love writing such stuff too - when it comes to my characters, I inflict all kinds of pain on them xP
I hope Draco grows on you. He's an interesting character.
Thanks a lot! Report Review
Hello there! teh tarik from the forums here with your requested review :)
This is a very dark and intense oneshot on postwar Draco. You've done a great job in spinning a story to fulfil the demands of both challenges - and this is a very chilling and utterly depressing story. I suppose Draco will find some peace in death, possibly a reunion with Catherine. In the areas of concern part you mentioned writing style, emotional intensity, plot and flow.
Your writing style is straightforward and smooth in this piece. Your use of the present tense really captures a sense of postwar stasis in Draco's life, and it also really shows how he is trapped in his own endless grief, and by the past, so much so that death is the only way to break away from the awful state of his present life. Do be careful, with the present tense, though, as it is trickier to write especially if you're incorporating flashbacks into the narrative. I detected a couple of places where there was a slippage in tense and you reverted to the past tense even though there wasn't a flashback.
With regards to the emotional intensity of this story - as I've mentioned, this is certainly a very intense and dark piece of writing. You've done a great job in conveying Draco's state of mind, his melancholy and depressive thoughts, and the traumatic effects of war on him. Your language is very hyperbolic in some areas, e.g. His soul twists in agony every now and then. This is a suggestion, but sometimes greater emotional impact can be achieved if language is more controlled, less dramatic - i.e. less is more. Your writing in this story is quite spartan and I like this style very much; the short paragraphs and clipped sentences really hit me hard. E,g, these lines: What wonders could one flick of a wand do? Amazing indeed.
He shakes his head and closes his eyes briefly. A face swims in front of his shut lids. He opens them again.
He does not like magic anymore.
These were really effective lines in the beginning. Their abruptness and dreariness really do reflect on Draco's deadened emotional state. There's something so cynical (and a little wry) about Draco thinking, 'Amazing indeed'. That was a lovely little detail.
Also, I think you can really heighten the emotional impact of your story by developing your character of Catherine a little, and showing a bit more of her relationship with Draco before the final battle. There's that very lovely scene with the swings, and I think it would be great if you either expand on that scene a little, or perhaps write another one with a little more detail on Catherine's character. Or you could just leave things as they are, with Catherine simply being vague flashes in Draco's memories, whom the reader cannot identify with. I suppose instead of being a rounded character, she's more of a symbol here in your story - a symbol of hope and happier times. It's up to you, really. These are just some of my suggestions.
As for the flow of the story, your narrative was very smooth and I don't think you have too much to worry about. The flashbacks were incorporated smoothly into the narrative - even though you italicised bits of Draco's past memories to set them apart from the present, they still flowed together nicely, and the transitions between present and past were generally smooth. I especially loved how Draco sitting on a rocking chair, rocking to and fro evokes the memory of him and Catherine swinging back and forth on the swings. That was incredibly well done so great work on that. Your action sequence is also very well-written. It was very brief and a little vague, but this emphasises the state of shock Draco must have experienced.
The plot of your story again is easy to follow and straightforward. I find it very interesting that Catherine is a member of the Order and that she brings Draco in. It certainly is very refreshing and I've not come across another fic where Draco is part of the Order, a Death Eater gone to the other side, similar to Regulus.
All in all, this was quite a wonderful but very disturbing piece of writing. You've certainly portrayed Draco's anguish very well, and there was a good sense of buildup to his final decision. It's a great portrait of despair, this story. Though of course, one could always interpret a moment of hope in the ending and assume that he is finally free.
Great work! Thanks for requesting; I've really enjoyed reading this :)
-tehAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Apologies for the delay in responding!
I am glad that you found this dark and intense, and in a way chilling and depressing, as that was my aim.
I am pleased you found my writing style straightforward and smooth. I tried my best to maintain the present tense, and I went and re-read and edited some parts where I thought the tense was not maintained. I hope its alright now. Thanks for your thoughtful comments!
Its great to know that you think I conveyed Draco's state of mind well. Thanks for your suggestion, I'll see what I can do in regards to controlling the language. I am glad you liked the short paragraphs and clipped sentences as it was my first time experimenting with them. Thank you for pointing out the little details and sentences that you liked, I was pleased to know them.
Thank you for your suggestions. However, I'd like Catherine's memories to remain vague, as you said, I'd rather remain her a symbol.
Its a relief to know that the flow was smooth, with the flashbacks incorporated well, and that the transitions were fine too. I loved writing the rocking chair to the memory part too so I am glad you liked it. I am not too good at writing action but I am pleased you liked it.
I am glad you liked the plot too. Thank you for your lovely words!
I am so grateful for your thoughtful review. I am glad you found this well-written. Thank you so much! Report Review
So I have to commend you on how well you were able to capture overwhelming and all consuming grief in a very short space. We can feel the pain of Draco's inner struggles; what Catherine meant to him, what transpired during the war, and what had been taken from him. The pure emotion really comes through.
I also though the repetition of the phrases "come with me" and "avada kedavra" was very effective. It really drives home how much Draco is tormented by her memory and the desperation that it ultimately drives him to. I don't know if you've seen Inception or not, but Catherine's role kind of reminded me of Leo DiCaprio's wife in that movie.
It's great to see how you're continuing to grow as a writer.Author's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing.
I am pleased that you found the grief captured well in this short fic. I am so glad that emotion came through to you and you could understand Draco's pain etc.
I always wanted to try out something of this sort - repetition and all - and its great to receive positive feedback on it. I haven't seen Inception actually (I want to though) but it is flattering that you can compare my OC to a wonderful movie's character.
Thank you so much for your awesome review! I hope to grow more as a writer in the future with all you readers' support! Report Review
Hey there, its Gabbie with your requested review and sorry that it took a minute for me to get back to you. Real life issues got in the way and I've been trying to actually stop being lazy and type for a change. -_-
So. This was really amazing! I'm not sure what I loved more about it but I think just the slow decline of Draco's thoughts were enough to keep me reading on. I wanted to learn so much about this girl and this pain that he was experiencing that I didn't pause or stop reading for a minute. The brief glimpses of her in his memory just stood out in my mind and I loved the haunting quality you gave those words. "Come with me," sounds so ghostly towards the end and while I thought it was fantastic that you strayed from canon and had Draco joining the Order, I also appreciated the danger and doubt you added in. The Order accepting him wouldn't have been easy and I can't help but wonder what the cost would have been had he NOT joined them? Other than the possible murder of him and his family...could he have hidden somewhere else? Hm...
Anyway, Draco's battle with Lestrange, and the hint that his father had been murdered was really intense. I could really picture this in my mind and loved what you did there--only, Catherine dying was perhaps the saddest thing ever. T-T
But the ending...oh, goodness, that ending. That takes some real guts to write a sentence that way but I'm not sure whether I was going to cry or be angry with Draco. I wanted him to keep moving forward but he just couldn't take it any more. T-T
Sadness to the extreme! D':
Anyway, this was beautiful, actually. I have no CC's for it, other than I'd like this to be a novella *Hands fat puppy as bribe*. It woudl please me. Hahaha.
Anyway, thanks so much for the wonderful read! :)
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I totally understand how RL gets in the way, so its no big deal at all. Don't be sorry!
I am so glad that you liked this. I am thrilled that you couldn't stop reading. I always wanted to attempt something like this where a lover is calling her lover, and "come with me" were just the right words to experiment with, so I am glad you liked that! Yes, the Order accepting him wouldnt have been easy which is why Catherine was there to help him. I am not quite sure if he could have hidden somewhere else, after all Voldemort can find anyone!
The battle was a short scene and I was a little concerned on it, but I am pleased that you found it intense. Yeah, Catherine dying was sad. Aw it took me a while to pull myself together and write the ending too. But in a way, I think he needed that.
I doubt I can ever make this into a novella, but I appreciate your awesome comments. Thank you so much for your lovely review, it totally made my day! Report Review
I think your attempt at writing something really dark really, really turned out well!
The kind of pain you've given Draco, how easy it is to feel his torture, is so well done. I think that Draco's life could have gone a very different way if he'd been able to try and seek help. He learned early on in the war that he had just as much of a chance of dying as any muggle born, and if that would have been enough to motivate him to finding help... well anyway, the fact that you had it doing just that in this was such an awesome choice.
The way she was sort of his reason, but that he trusted her enough to allow her to take him into this world where he didn't trust *anyone* shows us how deeply he really did care for her.
Then when you brought about the ending, and we watch Draco make the choice not to suffer without her anymore, I felt so sad but relieved for him at the same time.
More than that, I felt like it was a really 'in character' move. Which is impressive to find in an AU!
This was an awesome read! I think you did a great job surrounding it with the challenge, because you absolutely demonstrate the devastation and importance of the 'single spell'!
♥ JamiAuthor's Response: Hi dear! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I do love your reviews, always.
I am glad that you think this turned out well, thanks. I do agree with you, I always thought that Draco's life would have been very different if he had had help. So, I used it in this AU story!
I wanted to get the point across that Draco and Catherine cared a lot for each other so I am pleased that it came through to you through my flashback.
It was a sad choice, yes, but I think Draco needed that in a way.
Really, it was in-character? Thank you, that means a lot to me!
Thank you so much once again for your lovely review, I am glad you liked it =) Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review!
This was hauntingly beautiful. You presented the relationship between Draco and the OC in very little detail, but what was presented was enough to make me understand that she was very important to him and that his loss hit him the hardest, out of all the casualties of war.
This was a very interesting journey through the mind of a very sad and depressed young man and I think you described it perfectly. The way in which he saw her fall after taking the curse for him and the image of him shaking her lifeless body really made an impression on me.
I liked how the words "come with me" were repeated throughout the story and only in the end did we really understand their true meaning, that Catherine was calling for Draco to come home to her. In a way it reminded me of "Wuthering Heights", where a character by the same name called her lover home for many years, until he gave in and followed her.
The closing line was perfect, the realization that he has come full circle and it is time for him to be with her is something that makes a real impression and it painted such a painful yet beautiful image of love that it brought me to tears.
The writting style was impeccable, very suited for the mood and general atmosphere of the story, the grammar and spelling were perfect, I can only stand back and be amazed by this sad romance. Congratulations to you!
RalAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing!
Hauntingly beautiful really? Thank you! I am glad that you could understand the relationship between Draco and Catherine despite it being presented in short detail, as that was my aim.
I am pleased that her taking the curse and image of him shaking her body made an impression on you, as I worked hard on that scene.
Yes indeed, I have always found the idea of a dead person "calling" out to their lover, so I experimented with that idea in this story, so I am glad you liked it. Ooh, I love Wuthering Heights, though it has been forever since I read it and I didn't quite think of it while writing this (and I just love the name Catherine), but I guess my subconscious mind perhaps took the idea from there, somewhat ;)
I planned out the ending first before writing the story, so I am glad you found it done well, and that made an impression, and moved you.
Its great that you liked my writing style and the general atmosphere. Its a relief to know that there were no grammar/spelling errors.
Thank you so much for your wonderful comments! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection