47 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Hogwarts27 Hermione Awakes

15th April 2015:
Great chapter again. I really enjoyed how Hermione was given the potion to make her wake up. And I appreciated the summary of what Harry still needs to do at the end. I wonder what's going on with the kiss at the end of the chapter. This is surely not Hermione's own behavior. It makes me wonder if this is Dara posing as Hermione, or whether it's love potion again.

Author's Response: Thank you again for your sparing time for this.

I think I like science so it may be easier to describe these potions scene than other things.

As you pointed, I need to do summary, and wonder how J.K.Rowling keeps writing without losing the prospects of her plot in her stories.
Some HP fans, especially who like Hermione, may hate the last scene, but I wanted just twists and turns.


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Review #2, by Hogwarts27 Dracoís Angst

15th April 2015:
Terrific chapter. I really enjoyed the scene between Harry and Draco. It's good that the story always makes me doubt Draco's true loyalty, so now we will see what happens. And we'll see whether Kingsley can hang on to the Ministry as well. Such a great plot.

Author's Response: I really appreciate you keep leaving review. I must fix the description part ASAP. Now I know a big plot needs more detailed description.

I'm glad you enjoyed the conversation between Harry and Draco.


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Review #3, by Hogwarts27 Daughter of the Most Loyal Family

12th April 2015:
The story problems are really starting to get solved. While I thought it was a little out of character for Harry to get drunk - canon Harry never seemed like the drinking type to me - I have to say you did a marvelous job describing the scene! It felt just like how a drinking type character would react, and of course, they always have a drinking friend. In this case, Seamus!

I also thought the love potion affair was settled too easily. Even though both sides realize that love potion causes a person not to be responsible for their actions, there were still hurt and fearful feelings for both Ginny and Harry that the couple never shared, that a real-life couple would certainly have talked about with each other, if only to make sure the other person was healed before expecting them to go forward. Nevertheless, the couple's reunion was really sweet and tender, and a feeling of instant forgiveness and mutual devotion really comes through.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and I look forward to finding out what will happen next.

Author's Response: Thank you for your encouraging words, again.
The book 6 of HP gave much influence on my writing. The style from Harry's point of view like J.K.Rowlings fits me well, though there're lots to be rewritten about describing Harty/Ginny relationship in my story.. My expression needs more improvement.

With a bit of ingenuity, I think we can write about twists and turns around their relationships , the authors will be able to create more attractive stories of Harty/Ginny ship combining romance with mystery and action as the others have tried in the past.


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Review #4, by Hogwarts27 Remedy Against Druidic Curse

12th April 2015:
Ah, Harry starts to make real progress in this chapter. A lovely read. I enjoyed it all. Everything was druid magic, so it was all new and interesting to me, yet it was just as believable as the potions and magical objects we know from the books. Here again, I have to say that you make druid magic a really good fit with the books. I enjoyed reading the potion ingredients and directions. Wow, talk about a long potion to brew! I hope Draco does it right, and manages to stay awake. On the other hand, he could decide to work against Harry and cause a problem. Either way would work great for a plot!

Author's Response: Hi, Hogwarts27, I appreciate that you keep following this. The druidic things are all my imagination, so I've been wondering if readers understand what I try to write about, so I'm simply happy to know you enjoyed this chapter.
Speaking of Draco's decision, I try to write him as a struggling young man to stand on the right place like Harry.


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Review #5, by Hogwarts27 Being Desperate For (2)

8th April 2015:
This chapter had a lot of scene changes going on, but what happened in the scenes was quite interesting, so I didn't really mind the fast pace. I had no trouble following the story as long as it was clear where the scenes were changing. The one place it wasn't clear to me right away that the scene was changing, was where Harry pulls on his invisibility cloak and enters the Entrance Hall, so you might think of doing a little clearer transition there if you ever edit. :) But if not, the reader quickly figures it out anyway, so it's not a big problem.

I know that it's much easier to write short scenes when writing in a second language. That said, even professional authors sometimes write very short scenes on purpose, which can be very effective in some cases, and I noticed an excellent example of that in this chapter - when Harry punches Dean.

I thought the Harry/Dean scene was actually brilliant because it was short. I thought the short conversation, short response, and abrupt exit was actually a very fitting way to move through the scene. And I loved Harry's exiting dialogue. If you ever edit, I think you might describe the punch a little more, like maybe the sound it makes, and whether Dean yells in pain because it has to hurt. But aside from that, I think a short scene actually works much better than a longer one in this case. And you give the reader a bit of a cliff-hanger ending, where we're left to imagine how Dean will recover from the blow. I really quite liked it that way.

I think the scene with Slughorn could have used just a little more dialogue, but that's a very minor point. You did some nice descriptions in that scene, and the scene served it's purpose when Ginny learned of the love potion.

I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I'm really enjoying this story plot. Whenever I come to this story, I know I will enjoy the adventure.

Author's Response: Your suggestions are really helpful. It'll take much more time till my beta readers on this but it's worth trying to add more information about the details to the scene of Harry and Dean by myself. With your review I became a highly motivated, thank you very much! :) Kenny

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Review #6, by Hogwarts27 Being Desperate For (1)

8th April 2015:
This chapter was a very nice read. I ike the way you brought out Harry's jealousy at seeing Ginny/Dean kissing and connected it to all the other scenes in the chapter. Because the kiss is so important through the whole chapter, if you ever decide to edit, I mighht suggest describing it just a little bit more for the reader. I don't think it needs a lot of detail, but I think just some hint of the physical closeness that goes along with kissing would be nice, so the reader can clearly picture the closeness of the couple that Harry is so offended by, along with Ginny's facial expression that you already emphasize quite well. But even if you never edit, the feeling of the kiss' importance is still understood.

Later on, the part where Harry and Dara kiss was a very nicely written scene, and you connected it very well to Harry's jealousy. The scene builds to a nice intensity, and even becomes a bit sensual, which I really enjoyed. I especially liked the part where Harry swears. His mild swearing was just the right way to express what he must have felt afterward. I thought the transition to St. Mungo's was little abrupt though. When St. Mungo's was mentioned right away after the couple broke apart, at first I wondered whether Dara seriously harmed Harry in some way. It took me a little while to realize it was just Hermione that Harry was still worried about. So I think a slower or clearer transition between those scenes would be helpful for the reader. :) But other than that, I really enjoyed this scene between Harry and Dara. Very well done.

I also liked the way you kept connecting the kisses between Harry/Dara and Ginny/Dean in the scenes that followed, both at St. Mungo's, and in Harry's conversation with Ron. This was a very nicely done chapter that I much enjoyed reading.

Author's Response: Thank you again. Your opinion is right to the point on describing some hint of the physical things. I've been unsure how much readers would understand my story so your honest review is really helpful.
I'd better think over the transition to St.Mungo's but wait, your misunderstanding will turn to a good twists and turns, so I may add some more around Dara and Harry...
there can be more ups and downs.


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Review #7, by Hogwarts27 Wrought Metals Goblins Made

8th April 2015:
Just the title of this chapter sparked my interest.

There was some fast jumping from one short scene to another in this chapter, which I didn't have any trouble following, but I worry I may forget things when short scenes go by so fast.

I enjoyed the part when Andromeda told Harry about the goblin metals vs the sword of Gryffindor. I doubt that goblins would accept these metals in place of the sword, but this makes me wonder what new thing might come into the story because of these metals. Once again, your imagination about this fits so well with the HP world.

I enjoyed the curse-breaking scene and failure. And exploring Harry's vault. I think Harry means to use that mirror on Ginny's mind. And he has a few items to offer the goblins now. A very nice chapter.

Author's Response: I feel thankful that you keep following this story.

Speaking of metals, I had only blur image, so I need to reread my story again for the next series. Yet I remember that I set the other plot after this. Yeah, I agree with you that goblins wouldn't accept the offer.

It's easier for me to write action scene than other genres though my expression isn't enough. Perhaps my beta reader will point them out.


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Review #8, by AlexFan Apothecary

8th April 2015:
First off Iím so sorry that itís taken me over a month to get to this but Iíve been crazy busy and I honestly just havenít had the time. (And I should also mention that Iíll be reviewing as I read along with the story just so you know).

First off, Iíd just like to say that I find it really interesting how you chose to tell this story from the point of view of a Druid, I really havenít seen any other story like that on the archives. The first thing that I wanted to point out right off the bat was that you mentioned Daraís appearance twice, the first time with the description and the second time when her father mentions how much she looks like her mother. And I mention this because it feels a little repetitive because youíve told the reader what Dara looks like and then it just feels like youíre repeating what youíve already said.

I got the feeling while reading this that there were certain things that had taken place because of how you referenced to them which left me a little bit confused because I havenít read the entire story preceding this one so Iím not entirely sure whatís going on or what happened such as the fight that Harry talks about where he almost lost Ron.

I thought your characterization of the characters was really good, I especially liked Ron so well done on that because itís not always easy to write characters that have already been established by the author. I liked how you included the problem with Slytherin students being bullied because after the Wizarding War itís definitely something that I can see becoming a problem at Hogwarts. I like how you brought that up and acknowledged that it wasnít only the Gryffindors that were bullying the Slytherins but also other houses.

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about Ernieís actions because it was eating away at me. Itís not that he did the wrong thing because he definitely shouldíve taken points away from Hufflepuff for what the girls did to Astoria but at the same time, itís only ten points and everyone is making a bigger deal out of it is. I mean, these girls attacked a student and left her alone in a classroom without thinking about whether or not she would be okay, it seems like they deserve a harsher punishment than just ten points. Okay back to the actual review.

I know that English is not your first language and I really admire that youíre confident to write in it and ask for help because not many people do that. I think your story has a lot of potential and is already off to a really good start so keep up the good work. I would suggest getting a beta reader since theyíll be able to pick up on grammar mistakes that you may slip up on and help you smooth out your sentences.

Author's Response: Thank you, AlexFan, I really appreciate that you didn't forget review request.

Speaking of a beta reader, she is working on this chapter right now,and she's a very good beta with much advice but she also has her own novel to write, so it'll take much longer till the rewritten one is up. If you have time for this, please stop by again and see how it would be improved.

Yes, your suggestion is right to the point. I think ten points from Ernie's house is far too little. Thank you very much!

Kenny :)


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Review #9, by Hogwarts27 Conference

7th April 2015:
Hi, I enjoyed this chapter. Ron is going to act like a man and protect the woman he loves. Right away I looked forward to seeing if he would succeed when a threat comes, but I thought it might not come for a while - ha ha, no it comes soon. Your security question - what did Harry say when we kissed the first time - is this the moment? - was one of my favorite funny lines from the books. Some readers may not remember that little joke, but I laughed right away.

I really liked the scene where Nott sneaks up on Hermione from behind. The threatening moment with Nott was so good that I wished it had been just a little longer, as it only lasted about 2 sentences. Even so, the feeling of menace does come through. And we definitely get the feeling that Nott doesn't want to challenge Ron in a fight by the way he puts his wand away when he sees him.

Now, this is not a criticism, rather just a comment, because authors can portray characters in any way that works best in stories. I found it interesting that you had Hermione behave sort of like a damsel in distress with Ron, when she says "Oh Ron I was scared" and then falls into Ron's arms after the encounter with Nott. And how you emphasize Ron taking on the role of protector because it's his job as an auror, and maybe also because he wants to be a protective boyfriend. This is a little different than how I usually thought of them in the books, where Ron wasn't always the most reliable boyfriend, and often had real confidence problems in many areas. He didn't even act very mature yet, so in your story he strikes me as much more mature, and more confident. And I always pictured canon Hermione as a very capable witch and a good dueler - even better than Ron, in fact - who was never afraid to defend herself when she had to, and always showed courage in the face of danger. This is the girl who hit Malfoy in the face in Book 3, and decided to ride a dragon out of Gringotts in Book 7, and fought Death Eaters in the Battle of Hogwarts. So in my own mind, I wouldn't think Nott pulling a wand on canon Hermione would really shake her up at all, considering he's no more than a former classmate. I imagine Hermione would be able to take him on in a duel quite well, even if he surprised her. So that's just the thought comparison that came to mind as I was reading. As I said, there is no right or wrong way to portray a character, and you just choose what's best for the story. In this story, Ron and Harry are aurors who are protecting the women they love, so it's fitting to make the girls the targets of danger.

I also enjoyed Pansy's love potion plan. I have a feeling that Pansy probably used polyjuice to give it to Ginny. So trouble must be coming.

Author's Response: Your opinions around Cannons is right to the point. In my story, Hermione got nervous, helpless. The existence of two Gryffindor boys made her strong in the past, I think. The battle of Hogwarts and the experience that she was treated cruelly by Bellatrix made her a little weak compared to her younger days, most of the times women are strong but sometimes men must protect them and of course, Ron became a reliable knight for her. I 've trusted him since the last dynamic victory at the real wizard chess of book 1. And I predicted he would come back after the quarrel with Harry in the book 7, was so excited to read he helped Harry from the icy lake.

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Review #10, by Hogwarts27 Sly Tricks of Slytherins

7th April 2015:
Great scene with Nott and Malfoy. I'm looking forward to see how this will play out. And Hermione nearly has the answer for the curse, so we're getting closer. I really enjoyed the end scene with Myrtle. I had to laugh at the thought of Pansy peeping at Harry.

Author's Response: Hi, again. Talking of Nott, I'm reading 'A Girl from Slytherin' right now. The author writes him more gentle so far, I enjoy the difference.
Do you like Pansy peeped at Harry? Yeah, I think she has some feeling towards a war hero.

The forums game and event won't get me keep reading your novel, but I promise to come back to yours. :) Kenny


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Review #11, by Hogwarts27 Girl Talk

7th April 2015:
Nice side plot development in this chapter with the hottest witch and wizard. I enjoyed how Harry discovers that Nott certainly seems guilty of something. And I'd say Draco probably helped with whatever he's up to.

Author's Response: Thank you, again for following this story. I really appreciate. My awesome beta is working on the first chapter, and another beta will start basic things from the next months,plus your review will make this story better one.

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Review #12, by HermyLuna2 Apothecary

3rd April 2015:
Hi,

About the missing articles everything is said already, so I won't go into that. It's great that you have found a beta reader!

Your beginning is great to me. I love it when stories have a bit of a fairytale-like view and this one really combines the magic of Harry Potter with the magic of fairytales. The only thing that feels a little bit off is that there isn't much background information given about the Druid clan or the chieftan, just about his pretty daughter. While the description of Dara was lovely, it could seem a bit shallow to some if that's the first and only thing that's focused on. I know that probably wasn't your intention, so keep that in mind!

The trio part was confusing me a bit. Who is this Proudfoot? I assume it's their Auror trainer, but it's not totally clear.
I really liked the sentence She looked more beautiful in the Great Hall, bright magical morning sunshine of the ceiling was pouring over her long red hair, but the repeating of the word beautiful is a bit too much. Maybe you could change it the first time for pretty? Anyway, I love how you made Harry show his affections for Ginny. For some reason, most writers never do that enough!

I like the idea of Malfoy working in an apothecary! Because he always was the favorite student of Snape, I can imagine he would have been more motivated for Potions and also motivated to start his own business (with some Galleons from daddy of course). You described the apothecary very well, I could picture everything easily. I love how you portrayed Harry's conflicted emotions towards Draco; how Snape's allegiance and memories made him think differently about Slytherin, before Draco reminded him again that really, not much had changed except for Harry's own opinion. It's always good to add inner conflicts of characters, the changes of heart they have and the assumptions they make as a result of that and whether these do or do not match with reality.That really adds depth to a character, like you have done here in only one sentence. That is really good!

You keep the trio really in character as well, such as with their way of speaking, that we are reminded that Ron loves to be in the spotlight while Harry doesn't, Harry wanting to buy a gift for Hermione and Neville and the contrast with Malfoy, who is only remembered for his father's sins, adding to a life long of having to hand his own fame and status to Harry, who always beats him in that regard, and the way Malfoy tried to touch the stones because of course he has a blatant disregard for everything and is quite greedy. You portray the deeper dynamics perfectly. The fact that Harry and Ron are on Chocolate frog cards was a really cute touch.
Harry and Ron watching Malfoy and, at the same time, help him so he could stay was also a great idea because it makes for a lot of conflicted feelings, and they are always very interesting!

It was good that you added the detail of the moving portrait. Such things are often forgotten, but they help so much to recreate the wonderful atmosphere of the books, and I personally am really fond of them. I think most readers are. A supposedly trivial thing such as a character 'casually' looking at a picture is a GREAT way to introduce a story theme because it seems natural. Good job on that. I also loved your description of the picture, it was quite poetical.

I really liked it that Harry couldn't buy the stones, and that they were really precious. I mean, I didn't like it for Harry, but it already gives them an air of mystery.

It was also a very original and at the same time very realistic idea that you made the Slytherins as pariahs bullied by students from other houses post-war. It reminds me of the girlfriends from German soldiers being shunned after WW2. Of course Hermione would want to put a stop to this. That was very in character for her. Likewise, that other students such as Ernie are concerned with this and not only Hermione or other Gryffindors is very realistic. Also, Ron's comment 'Us?' is exactly what he would have said! I like how you introduced the budding romance between Draco and Astoria with him helping her, and introducing a minor character Harry recognizes is SUCH a great detail! Writing a compelling story is all about the details and coincidental connections and you understood that very well. Having Maisie realising her error of having hexed Astoria through her gratefulness for Harry was a good idea. I can't get over how good you are at what I call 'grayscale' situations... Maisie would not have realised the error of her ways on her own. Which is human, we usually don't. But you made her gratefulness to Harry the cause of her regret, and that is so much better in a story than when you would have her regret it because Harry told her she had to be. It's also a great example to show Harry's great reputation as a helper of others. You reminded us again that Harry is considered to be such a hero that other students control themselves for him, he inspires them to become a better version of themselves. That is realistic for his character.

It's also a great touch that you let McGonagall have an eye for the current prejudice in Hogwarts and try to ease that by making a Slytherin Head boy, and making Ernie agree is such a good touch to add depth to his character. I like it that you took the time to do that to characters such as Ernie, which most writers would consider to be minor.

You were also very true to Ginny's character, showing how she stands up for the weaker students with her signature hex, no matter if the students are Slytherins or not. That also shows that Ginny has gotten over her old prejudices.

All in all, you captured the atmosphere and style of the books almost PERFECTLY in this chapter. Reading this is almost like I'm reading something written by JK Rowling, I'm not exaggerating! When I have time I will read the other chapters. Well done!

Author's Response: Wow, I think I've got the longest review for the first time in my life. I'm speechless feeling just awe. Thank you so much!

Your comment on Snape and Malfoy was one of things I'm impressed with :
"how Snape's allegiance and memories made him think differently about Slytherin, before Draco reminded him again that really, not much had changed except for Harry's own opinion. It's always good to add inner conflicts of characters, the changes of heart they have and the assumptions they make as a result of that and whether these do or do not match with reality.That really adds depth to a character, like you have done here in only one sentence."
I'm working on this right now after my awesome beta reader helped me, I might add your suggestion.

Yeah, you're right, I'm no good at describing around woman's beauty, you know, I wrote about it in the past blog. I had no idea when I wrote this at the first time, so I just repeated the word, beautiful. Thanks for pointing it out.

Proudfoot is one of Aurors, I think J.K.Rowling mentioned about him a bit in her book, somewhere. The name may be a nickname but I set it as the last name in my third novel. If you have time, please keep reading.

You understand my plot very well, I never encoutered such a further approach before.
I'm sorry I don't have enough skill to show my appreciation for this, I should respond as long as you did for me, but I'd like to say just thank you. :)









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Review #13, by Nina Labyrinth

3rd April 2015:
I am sorry to say this, but you use eh to much.

Author's Response: Thank you, Nina. Even the shortest one, I appreciate for that.


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Review #14, by Hogwarts27 Slither Again

2nd April 2015:
Hmm, Hermione gets attacked but no proof that Draco and Nott did it. And Draco is acting very secretive with his potions, and not acting very
friendly toward Harry. This feels like there might be a plot twist coming and that these two are up to something. Good chapter.

Author's Response: Thanks, again. :)
Yes, I've written about Draco like he was AU chacter a bit as the other reviewer pointed that in my first story, so in this chapter I let him be more Malfoy-like (I think, it's not proper English). But I like the way of Dumbledore, so well, I won't say more, 'cause it'll be a spoiler. ;)


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Review #15, by Hogwarts27 Tactics

2nd April 2015:
A nice change of pace in this chapter where you show us the struggle for power in the leadership of the Ministry. I enjoyed the scene where Ginny starts feeling a little jealous and insecure about Dara. But my favorite scene was the one between Draco and Nott. This again raises my suspicion of whose side Malfoy is really on.

Author's Response: Hi, again.:)
Thank you for following this. I wasn't sure how I could write about romance but I tried writing about Ginny's feeling towrads Harry. From then I have read other authors' brilliant ones, I think I had better add more details around that.


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Review #16, by Hogwarts27 Confrontation

2nd April 2015:
Great chapter, full of exciting action. I enjoyed all of it. The flight into the Gringotts underground felt dangerous, dark, and just a little creepy, as it should. There was good suspense and a nice battle scene with Death Eaters and the snake, yes certainly a fake. You did a lovely job writing Rodolphus Memory about Bella. And I really enjoyed the scene where Hermione is rescued. It was terrific, and just got even more exciting when the real snake appeared. I had a great time reading this.

And to respond to your answer to my last reviews, yes, I know it's a real struggle to write in a second language, and that it takes hours longer to get a decent word count. I struggle with German, and would never attempt to write even a short story in that language, so I know exactly what you mean.

I'm a reader who likes magical adventure stories best, and I think your plot is just terrific. And that makes it easy for me to just ignore the little mistakes you make with English, because they are really minor and don't get in the way of my enjoying the story or getting drawn into the scenes. In fact, I'm amazed at what a good job you do with scenes sometimes and with such good descriptions, that I'm sure were a real effort for you to write, and they really are an enjoyable read.

In the end it's up to you to decide whether you enjoy writing in English enough to keep doing the extra work. I just applaud you for having written so much already and for sharing it. Many fanfic writers never finish even one novel in their own language, and you're already working on your third novel in English. That's a real accomplishment to be proud of, and it just makes you super awesome. :))

Author's Response: Wow, three reviews in sequence, I really appreciate, Hogwarts27. You understand how much I spent the time for this chapter.

The impression of Bella of the movie was strong for me, so I put the scene in this chapter.

Your comment about creating magical adventure stories really encourages me.
I'm losing my confidence everytime I read the other super author's story these days, so your reviews really help me.

It may take much time to write again, but your encouragement gave me power to hang on.

I shouldn't write the comment here, but I'd like to say, I suggest you should wirte about your Dumbledore's story. Many readers are waiting for you and I will read your sequence, too. I promise.


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Review #17, by Hogwarts27 Underground

2nd April 2015:
The plot of this story is really great! It's so different from other fanfic plots I usually find, and full of imagination. I enjoyed all of this chapter. I like the way you showed us what Bill needed to do to try to break the curse. And I felt pretty sorry for Harry when he couldn't trust having something to drink. It was nice to see Harry trying out his wands, so we can know what to expect from them. I also enjoyed the scene with Sirius and the song at the lake. Your description made it feel mysteriously magical. And it was a relief when the cursed scars got removed. At least some things are going right! But of course, there is still trouble to come.

Author's Response: Thank you again, your words touch the very core of my heart. I know my expression isn't enough to be read, from the start I'm left behind,for example while you can hit 3000 , it takes much time for me to squeeze out only 500 words or so. So your review that you could understand the plot is a beam of hope for me.

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Review #18, by Hogwarts27 Captivity

1st April 2015:
Oh, an exchange of souls and bodies - this chapter already starts out interesting. And I enjoyed the scene with Harry and Dara in bed. It gave just the right feeling of Harry being strongly attracted to her. Love potion, of course!

I have a feeling that characters are going to fall into some dangerous traps very soon. The idea of more body-soul exchange just adds to the suspense. What a brilliant idea!

Bella in Nagini's body - oh yes, I love it!

Author's Response: Thank you, Hogwarts27, your encouragement let me shed tears, I barely keep hanging here by your kind review. My third story couldn't have existed if I didn't write this so I'm feeling really thankful. :)

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Review #19, by TidalDragon Apothecary

1st April 2015:
Sorry this is even later, Kenny! I went to submit right when they rolled the archives to April Fool's and lost everything! But I'm trying to restore it now!

Since you said you wanted honesty, I'll start with CC. I think at the beginning there were some issues with word repetition and missing articles (a/an, the), though those are minor fixes. What stuck out most to me is that the story read quite literal. There was a lot of telling and explaining going on at various points rather than just slipping those bits into the story seamlessly and showing us what was going on. This stands out in the description of Dara at the top, but was present in other places too. It also made the pace feel rather rushed.

That said, one of the strong points was the plot proposal. So many people try to create a new "Dark Lord" shortly after Voldemort or in Next Gen, and that just doesn't follow for me. It's too soon. But a marginalized culture with an entirely different lore (and I suspect different kind of magic) could be quite interesting and unique. I also think you did a good job acknowledging the flipped prejudice that was bound to take place after good won a hard-fought victory.

Thanks for sharing this and good luck as you're going back through and editing! PM me if you need any clarifications or additional help!

Author's Response: Thank you, Kevin. I guess you have busy days after getting a promotion.

To tell the truth, I have currentaly a beta reader for this chapter, and she gave me advice which was exactly the same as yours but she's also busy, so I can 't go next(sigh).


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Review #20, by proud-pied April Apothecary

29th March 2015:
So in this land where myth and history
Are one, sweet Dara, golden haired, and fair,
Dreams of her hero; and thereís mystery!
Who are the evil ones? And what Ė and where?
Who took the Druidís lands so long ago?
And what does the apothecary know?

So proud-pied April writes this short review
In verse; a little Easter gift for you.

Author's Response: Wow, beautiful verse. I'll reply in haiku.

A misty evening time
Cherry blossom lit up in the dark
A small gift carried happiness

StarFeather

Thank you, proud-pied April. :)


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Review #21, by wolfgirl17 Apothecary

25th March 2015:
Hiya Kenny!

Wolfgirl17 here with your requested review from the forums. Sorry it's taken me so long to get here. I have no excuse other than that I'm a lazy sod and no one has been pestering me to keep on top of these.

Now, I know you said in your request that you've been having trouble with finding a Beta for this fic, and without seeming harsh, unkind or rude, I do feel the need to say that it shows.

I'm a little unclear about whether or not you've edited this piece before submitting it, but there are a lot of mistakes throughout, including one in the very first sentence:

"In the magic land of Druid there lived Druid clan."

I get the feeling there was meant to be an 'a' between lived and Druid.

You've got a lot of missing words throughout that are upsetting the overall flow of the story and could really do with being edited to address the issue. If you can't find someone willing to take on being a Beta for you for the whole fic, you should try the Quick Beta section on the forums and simply request with each chapter to have folks help you with spelling, grammar, flow and the like.

You've also got a bit of clunkiness in that opening paragraph and throughout that might be upsetting the number of views you're getting. Generally on a site like this, one or two typos throughout are skimmed over, but large sections of missing words, forced/clunky descriptions and interrupted spelling/grammar make people lose interest in a fic pretty quickly.

Saying that, I don't know the stats for your fic and maybe you've got a lot of people reading in spite of these mistakes, but they really do lower the quality of the piece and if you have time to fix them it would make things much nicer and more exciting to read if you were to do so.

I've commented in the past during our swap that I'm unlcear on whether English is your first language or not, but I can't recall if it is or isn't. If it isn't, kudos on trying to learn it and to write a fic in a language that you might not fully grasp yet.

However, the missing words and incorrect tenses throughout do suggest you've simply written this is a different language and then used something like Google Translate to switch it to English. I'm not saying any of this to upset of offend you, and if I have done so it was not my intention, however it does need to be addressed, and as is mentioned in my thread, I pride myself on giving truthful, useful reviews rather than simply complimenting and author and having them think they are wonderful when there is room for improvement.

I see some of that room for improvement here and I hope you are able to address these issues. Thanks for requesting a review from me and I hope I've been helpful.

xx-Ellie (wolfgirl17)

Author's Response: Thank you for leaving review on this, Ellie, even if it was a little bit late (lol), I really appreciate honestly.

I finally, fortunately, got a great beta reader, so I'm still working on this.
At the same time I feel awe, the quality of this site is super! I don't regret that I arrived here, I chose the best HP fan fiction site I've ever encountered. Please stop by again when you have time.

Kenny :)


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Review #22, by Hogwarts27 The Storm

19th March 2015:
This was good chapter with a lot of action, that I really enjoyed. I always love a good action scene. The broom chase grabbed my interest right away, and there was a nice sense of danger during the conversation with Ron in the mirror after they landed.

The part with Harry and Ginny naked turned out be very sweet, but I had to laugh at first that Harry's eyesight was supposed to be so bad that he couldn't see Ginny's body clearly even when she was so close to him. But he was very sweet about acting like a gentleman.

I was surprised at Harry's new animagus, but I can see how being an animal that can fly would feel very natural to him. And it seems this animagus will come in very handy if Dara and her father are birds.

You gave the chapter a good ending. It makes me curious to know what happens next.

Author's Response: Thank you, again for your constant review. I really appreciate for that.

You and I have a commomn point in action scene, I think. So I'm glad to read your comment about that. :)

Their awkward scene in the hollow was inspired by Yukio Mishima's literary work.
So this chapter has a kind of mood mingled with druidic magic and oriental essence.

To make up my lack of vocabulary, I squeezed out my imagination at midnight, the idea popped up in my mind.


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Review #23, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Apothecary

18th March 2015:
Hello! Deeds here with your requested review. Sorry for the long wait but I got caught up with forum activities and my own writing.

You said English isnít your first language but youíre doing a really good job here with your story. Itís definitely something I donít normally read. I know nothing about Druids and such but itís an intriguing idea.

He showed them how to cast Intruder Charm by their wands and how to feel them,

It should be: Öhow to cast an Intruder CharmÖ

culprits also will find you and theyíll attack you anytime

It would flow better if you switch Ďwillí and Ďalsoí

Griffindor table with Hermione and Ginny.

It is actually: Gryffindor

You misspell it again later on in the chapter as well.

Hermione shook her head, was going to hover over Ron.

I would get rid of the: was going to hover over Ron. It doesnít make any sense and isnít needed anyway.

The conversation with Dedalus confused me. I donít actually know whatís going on. One minute heís hugging Ginny and the next theyíre going on a mission? Iím not sure where youíre going with this story because it has jumped from one scene to another rather quickly.

"Oh, it's Druid's old castle which is ruins in the Isle of Skye."

Youíre missing something here: Oh, itís the Druidís old castle, which is in the ruins in the Isle of Skye.

"Did you know their attacking Slytherins?

Should be Ďthey areí

Most of students don't feel guilty to bully Slytherin students

Should be: Most of the students donít feel guilty bullying Slytherin students

They are Maisie Cattermole and Maura Alderton, Hufflepuffs

Lose the: They are

Itís not needed and sounds odd.

Well, I understand their feeling

Should be: feelings

Okay so Iím done with the chapter and I have to say you have the potential for something intriguing and different here but itís hard to understand. I think a beta would be helpful, even if you have to get different ones for each chapter because the story is confusing. I know English isnít your first language and I applaud you for jumping in and writing a story but a little assistance would help take your story from good to great. Flow is also an issue because you jump from one scene to the next and it is confusing at times because one minute weíre at Hogwarts, the next weíre someplace else. Try to work on the transitions and I do think Draco is a little OOC. I think a better explanation of his character might be needed to understand how he can work so well with Harry and co.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for doing this aside from your activity. Again I feel grateful when I think about many volunteer staffs are engaging in this. In my country, we have proudly long literal history so we don't have to use English in daily life but thanks to J.K.Rowling and this site, I enjoy expressing my thought in English.

I'll request your review if I have any chance after I rewrite this. Thank you again detail review. It's really helpful. :)


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Review #24, by Hogwarts27 Labyrinth

17th March 2015:
Hi, I saw your post about review swaps, so please don't feel rushed to answer this if you're busy with those.

This is another good chapter where the reader gets some surprising good and bad news. I enjoyed the little part where you pointed out Ginny's guilt about needing to be rescued by Harry again. I also enjoyed the sudden twist with Dara - first she seems to be helping, but then we discover that she loves Harry and becomes jealous of Ginny, with her behavior suddenly changes. That was well done. And just when we think Harry found the way to escape, he remembers the words of warning. So I'm curious to see what will happen now.

Author's Response: Thank you for your constant encouragement, I always feel happy to read your comment. :)

I wanted to do something, kind of twists and turns, so I tried writing about it between Harry and Ginny. The easiest way to do that, another witch enters, which will add another situation, I thought.



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Review #25, by chinaglaze Godfather

17th March 2015:
Hi there, I found this chapter easier to read than the previous one. There are still some bits that I think could be made clearer but I was not quite so confused. Although I found some of the story around what happened with the rune stones a bit hard to follow.

There is a short and very nice bit of description about the black lake. More please!

So some of the students drink a potion which gives them a fever and the others have to find stones to cure them if I understand right. Interesting and a bit risky I should think.

There seems to be a very sudden transition from Hogwarts to Grimmauld place that took me by surprise. And Andromeda lives there too does she? that surprised me.

Again, I think this could be improved with some careful editing and beta work but itís an interesting story.

Author's Response: Thank you for your review again! As other reviewers pointed out, transiton work is my weak point I should do something on. It may be a better way to skim through seven books or I'll read yours, and rewrite as soon as possible.



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