66 Reviews Found

Review #1, by HermyLuna2 Trap

23rd January 2016:
Ooh it's great to see that Luna made a comeback! Luna is one of my favorite characters. Very interesting that the Quibbler published an article about removing Dark magical scars with the rune stones. I wonder if the author is right this time.
Then maybe Hermione's scar could be removed as well. A little mistake, the r in Horcruxes is missing. The sentence reminds you again how tragic it was that Harry was made into a horcrux. I like that Malfoy's character hasn't completely changed. The story becomes full of suspense now Ginny is been kidnapped. Rodolphus is probably really angry at Ginny because Molly killed Bellatrix. And now Harry's only hope is Sir Cadogan... Oh no... Is this story inspired by the abduction of Guinevere or King Arthur stories in general? I like that you included Cliodna and I wonder if we are going to see more of her! I'll be back soon to read the rest of this fantastic story :D

*I meant descended

Author's Response: Hi, again! It's fun to read your review!

I couldn't resist to have Luna and Malfoy enter here. It seemed that both worked well, so I'm satisfied with that!

Yeah, your insight is right. Rodolphus had grudge against Harry and Ginny after Molly killed Bellatrix. I don't think Bellatrix loved Rodolphus as much as he loved her.

Oh, is the similar situation seen in King Arthur's ? I didn't know that. I've seen Merlin BBC before so I know the story though.

I'm happy to know you enjoyed this story so far! I feel like I have to add more descriptions and episodes. I'll edit them ASAP.

I'll read and review yours after I finish another multi-chaptered review swap.

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #2, by HermyLuna2 Trace

23rd January 2016:
I liked reading how Harry learned to track magical crime scenes. Nice idea to include it. The magic, show itself spell was a good invention! It's funny that you use those little details like the characters Meaghan and Catriona whose son was the lead guitarist from the Weird Sisters, and that Harry asked for an autograph was just like he would do, it's ironic and shows how modest Harry is despite his fame.
That Lily descented from the Druids is the best idea I have read so far in fanfiction, I think it's fantastic. It is my headcanon that Snape is part Irish (because his mothers name is) but it would also make sense for Lily to be part Irish because she has red hair. I like the idea of Harry being a Seer and how down to earth James is. It was great how you connected the song from before with the music box! Harry's dream was very sweet, I like that you use dreams to give hints about his feelings or the story in a symbolic way.
Great that you included Seamus, this way he gets a bigger role in the story, as well as Bathsheba Babbling.I wonder if Harry's patronus changed because Ginny is about to be kidnapped or for another reason. I am very curious what Umbridge, Rabastan and Rodolphus are planning...

Author's Response: Thank you for stopping by again! I really appreciate that you spent your time for this!

Reading your kind review, I remembered my passion towards Druidc story around Lily and Snape. I had only vague ideas at that time, so I have to add more information about this later. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I thought in the same way as your opinion, I think Lily might be Irish, but for Snape, your idea is new to me. Interesting. Let's talk about this some time. It's fun.

When I was writing this story, I think my imagination around the magical world was at the peak. I miss the time. The music box and Harry's dream just popped in my mind.

Thank you again that you didn't forget my story, Luna!

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #3, by HermyLuna2 Wandmaker

23rd January 2016:
Really nice how fleshed out Ollivanders backstory a bit more. Nice that we meet Girolamo. The flashback about Hagrid was really sweet. Aberforth teaching wandless magic was a bit funny to me, seeing as he was a bit of a deadbeat in the books. But maybe the death of his brother made him turn his life around for the better, very good idea!
Umbridge is sinister like always! Having her in the story as the villain is a really good idea, especially because it is good that you used an existing storyline, it was one of those open endings, Griphook being deceived, and I always wondered if the conflict with the goblins and the sword would ever be resolved. This story gives so many characters from the book a comeback while at the same time introducing interesting new characters. Nice foreshadowing with the toys.
And it was very in character for Harry to be embarassed by it! Good idea about Fred's portrait. When I read the Harry Potter books, I wondered how Malfoy and Astoria fell in love. It's nice that you included them in your story. The story line that you came up with is very original, and it would make sense that Dumbledore has visited the Druids, I wonder what the reason for his visit was. So far I think this story is really brilliant! You have a lot of imagination and at the same time you make good use of the canon facts. I was already waiting for someone to make a story about concepts that are not explained like wandlore, wandless magic and the Unspeakables/Department of Mysteries. That is interesting. Very curious what will happen next.

Author's Response: Thank you again, Luna!
I have to add more in the latter chapters after your encouragement, especially about Dumbledore visited the Druids part, I need to add more description about them. Yeah, I have lots of plots in this story at that time.
Chinaglaze were working on beta on this story, I have to do request her to continue beta on this. Thank you for reminding me of that!

I could write this story without Malfoy but I thought it would be more interesting to put him with Astoria. So it seemed to work right, I'm happy to know you enjoyed this.
Wow, you did four reviews in sequence, thank you so much! How about doing multi-chaptered review swap with your Snape's story?

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #4, by HermyLuna2 Godfather

23rd January 2016:
I have quite the catching up to do! I won't apologize because then I'm still apologizing after a hour! But sorry for leaving you hanging for so long after the requested reviews!
Anyway, I love reading this story. I really like how you gave a background to Andrew and gave Harry an opportunity to talk about Sirius. I also like that you repeated that Harry misses Dumbledore and Fawkes. Your detailed descriptions, they are pleasant to read and make the story more authentic, as well as your references to things that have happened in the books. Antipyretic magic was an original invention. And I love the idea of Harry wondering if his scar could be removed, he never did that in the books but it makes a lot of sense.
You are very talented for coming up with your own song! It was very realistic that the stone was of poor quality, I prefer more realistic stories because in the HP books not everything goes perfectly either so it was good that you made Harry make a mistake. It was so sweet that Harry's patronus had turned into a horse. But maybe James feels a bit forgotten now and Harry needs to remember his father again that's why it has become a stag. Especially because Harry had more of a bond with Sirius than with James. I am really curious if we will see James in the story. The last sentence was funny. You make every character so perfectly like how they are in the books, I'm really in awe.

Author's Response: Hi, HermyLuna! Welcome back to my story. Yeah, long time no see here. ;) I understand your situation, your RL, you have to study your school work or something? Don't worry.
Your suggestion around Luna's living place after her marriage was really helpful. Please check "Tengu and a Daughter of Ninja" as well if you have some time, I added your name on my Author's note, maybe chapter 5, or 6 or 7 (sorry I'm not sure right now).

Thank you for lots of compliments. I'm shy to say compliments for the others (most of us in my country are shy people), so I respect the members on the forums including you who can say great words to praise the fellow members. I have to learn lots of things.

I remembered how I focused on the magic while I was writing this story, reading your kind review.

I like thinking lyrics, I've done it in RL, it's fun.

The theme between a son and a father is my theme through all stories here, so if you could sense it, I'm happy with it. Yeah, your feedback is right. Harry had a very little moment to spend his own father, James, so his only affection was focused on Ginny, which turned to be his Patronus, a horse. If you keep reading, the situation will be changed as Harry gets confidence on his own magic (oops, a spoiler).
I need to write the detailed description around each character. There're lots to learn.

Kenny



 Report Review

Review #5, by looneylizzie The Lake Loe

17th December 2015:
Hey Kenny!

I’m here for the RvG Review Battle - go Team Gold!!

Poor Harry. He really misses Ginny.

Your descriptions are really quite wonderful. You do an excellent job of painting a mental picture of Harry’s surroundings - which isn’t an easy thing to do.

Ooh. Giants! Very cool. They definitely add to the feeling that the Isle of Man is a very magical place, with all of the Druids and Veela and Giants and other magical creatures that live there. It certainly adds to the mystery of it all.

Ah! Sometimes I forget that Seamus is Irish. It’s kind of fun to see him in his element.

HAHAHA! I love Dean’s comment. Totally unexpected, but a wonderful addition. Seamus’ response is hilarious as well.

Uh oh. Has Harry met Liam before? Should I remember his name, ‘cause I feel like he’s going to pop up again later…

The whole idea of needing a Veela’s feather is really cool as well. How do you manage to come up with all these amazing mythical elements to add to your stories? And the fact that you’re not afraid to push the boundaries of magic in each of your stories is incredible - especially because you push the boundaries without it being too outrageous or unbelievable. Somehow, it all just fits.

I’m a bit jealous, if you can’t tell.

Wow, the entire thing at Lake Loe is pretty awesome. Hopefully Harry will be able to use his new skills when he needs them most!

Oooh. That last bit is super creepy. Umbridge is scared of Rudolphus? I wonder why? Which makes me wonder why they’re working together in the first place?

So many questions, Kenny! This is a great story so far, and I look forward to reading more!

Keep writing!
Lizzie

Author's Response: Thanks again, Lizzie! I think I'm proud of this chapter the most in the story. My imagination about Druidic and mystic world was at the peak at that time. If I have to write the same theme, I can't. To be honest, I searched a lot in the books and Internet before writing this and the vision popped up in my mind, too. I don't think the same thing will happen twice.

I really expect your story, "Family Business" will be more mystic. Believe in yourself, Lizzie. You can write better than me!

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #6, by looneylizzie Trap

14th December 2015:
Kenny!

I'm here for the last review prize for the Animagus Challenge!!

Okay, wow. A LOT happens in this chapter!!

I'm really excited to see them meet the Druids! The more I find out about them the more fascinated I am! You've created a REALLY COOL world here!

Poor Harry! It's got to be terrifying, knowing that Ginny is missing and that she could be hurt. Especially after what he saw. Umbridge is horrible! Definitely much darker than she was in the books. I think she's gone mad, for sure!

It'll be interesting to see Harry's reaction to Dara's desire to marry him, I'm sure. I'm not entirely sure how he'll react, which is exciting! Who knows what will happen?!

Well, you know, and all I have to do is click "next chapter" to find out...

Sorry this is such a short review. I've typed it out twice and then lost it because my phone is acting wonky. Bleh.

Anyway, congrats again on getting first place in my challenge! This story certainly deserves it.

I'm sure I'll be back soon, because this is an awesome story, and you're amazing! Keep writing!
Lizzie

Author's Response: Thanks again, Lizzie!
Talking of the plot, I feel awkward because I just started writing mystery. As you pointed out, so many things happened in this chapter. It's hard to plan and write mystery, isn't it? It's like a difficult jigsaw puzzle. Looking back, it was easy to set up Umbridge as a villain but I regret I should've planed more carefully.

I understand how hard to type review on the phone. I've done that before many times.
I'll be back to your story, "Family Business" as well. :)

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #7, by looneylizzie Wandmaker

14th December 2015:
Kenny!

I'm back for another review prize for the Animagus Challenge!!

Okay, the whole idea of being able to make and use a temporary wand in case of emergencies is REALLY COOL!! What an excellent idea! I love the way you explained it too -- bringing Ollivander in is a fun thing to see! It's good to know that he's doing well after the war.

Ooh! Umbridge is back and up to no good again!! When will she ever learn? :P

It's interesting that she's teaming up with Goblins to get Harry. It sort of shows how much she hates Harry if she's willing to work with them, because she hates basically every kind of creature out there.

But, you know the saying "the enemy of my enemy is my friend"? It seems like Umbridge is thinking along those lines.

I laughed for several minutes at the scene in W.W.W.

LOVE the flying cars and Hogwarts Express! But the best bit is the Harry doll rescuing the princess (who is obviously Ginny!) -- the mental image is just priceless!!

I'm going to be laughing at that for a long time!

Oh, and Draco and Astoria - that was adorable and hilariously awkward because Harry and Ron were totally ruining Draco and Astoria's little conversation. Draco must've been so embarrassed!! HA!

It can't be long before Harry is going to meet the Druids, huh? The plot is certainly thickening!!

Keep writing Kenny! You're awesome!
Lizzie

Author's Response: Hi, Lizzie! Thank you for coming back for this.
Before I wrote the wand theory scene, I did much research about trees in the Internet.
It was fun to create the wand theory.

You're right. "the enemy of my enemy is my friend", yes, it's exactly what I tried to say, Lizzie!

The idea of the flying cars and Hogwarts Express were given by watching my son play.
The Harry doll rescuing the princess may be influenced by "Toy Story".

The episode of Draco and Astoria might be detour to the Druids, but I just wanted to put in the break time. I'm happy to know you enjoyed this.

Kenny



 Report Review

Review #8, by looneylizzie Godfather

14th December 2015:
Hey Kenny!

I'm back with another review prize from the Animagus Challenge!

Ooh, another fascinating chapter! I especially liked the stones and the runes and the healing magic they can do. Very cool, and very interesting. Is it Druid magic?

I like the lyrics you wrote for the Merpeople's song. You've definitely got a knack for it! I'm impressed (and a bit jealous)!

Ginny certainly gave Harry a good scare there. I'm glad she was patient with him though. Some girls might think he was being overprotective, but I think his reaction is understandable - especially because of all the things he's gone through.

That dream he had is pretty interesting too! I wonder why his Animagus form changed, and who the voice was coming from...

And there's a little Harry and Teddy moment! Awe!! That's adorable! I've always liked reading little moments with Harry and Teddy together. I'm sure that Harry will be a wonderful godfather to Teddy.

Another excellent chapter Kenny! Always keep writing!!
Lizzie

Author's Response: Another prize, yay! Thank you, Lizzie! I know you're busy so I really appreciate you did this.

With chinaglaze's help, I could edit this chapter. I borrowed a book written about the stones in Cornwall from the library and I thought of the magic around stones. The memory of Merlin(BBC) was also strong so I put the runes part for this. Hermione can read runes so I thought I could set this kind of magic in the story.

Thank you for your compliment about the lyrics. I have some experiences to make up lyrics with friends so I enjoyed writing this. :)

In the romantic part, I have no confidence. I always feel awkward when I try to write about the ships. :shy:

Writing Sirius and Teddy, I had the same feeling, the relationship between a father and a son. I tried portraying father's love.

Thank you again for coming back for this.

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #9, by looneylizzie Apothecary

14th December 2015:
Hey Kenny!!

I'm officially here to give you the review prizes I still owe you from the Animagus Challenge! So sorry that I've taken so long! I'm a serious slacker when it comes to reviewing.

Anyway, I figured I'd start at the beginning of this story and just go from there, since I didn't exactly review this in the right order in the first place.

This is a really strong start to the story! You've taken the time to explain the situation that Harry is in without it feeling too awkward, and I didn't feel like I was missing anything because I haven't read all of Harry Potter and the First Mission yet.

I find all of the information about the Duids absolutely fascinating, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how that will play out in the rest of the story. It's certainly something I've never seen before, and you've introduced it extremely well. There's an element of mystery there that definitely makes me want to keep reading!

Onto the next chapter! Keep writing Kenny!
Lizzie

Author's Response: Hi, Lizzie! Thank you for leaving reviews at one go. I guess it's difficult to keep reading a multi-chaptered story. So I really appreciate for your kindness.

The first impression when I read J.K.Rowling's book was so strong, I wanted to create the new magical world involving Harry and his friends so if you feel so, I'm very happy. :)

Talking of First Mission, it was the very first story for me to write in English. And this story, for readers, maybe AU to read but I hope simply the readers will enjoy my magical world blended with J.K.Rowling's world. See you again in the next chapter, Lizzie!

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #10, by TidalDragon Wandmaker

30th August 2015:
My favorite part of this chapter was easily the beginning. I'm kind of a sucker for wandlore, and I'm always wanting to know more about it. I don't get caught up too much in every single different type of wood like many, but more the nitty-gritty like you had Ollivander talk about in this chapter. Cores, and different approaches and things like that. So i found that portion very cool.

The remainder of the chapter obviously sets up the story that is to come. Umbridge and her schemes it seems will never leave Harry alone and it's a shame after all he's done that he'll once more be put through the wringer by her.

The cliffhanger ending was well handled! It definitely left me wondering what's going to happen next and whether Harry will in fact get trapped as planned or something else will happen (like him becoming too inquisitive for his own good as he does often in canon) and end up springing it on himself.

Thanks for sharing this story with us, Kenny! You are always so inventive with different ideas to write about and to expand the Potterverse!

Author's Response: Hallo, Kevin! I wonder how you managed to do this. I guess you've worked so hard to spare time for this. Thank you very much!

I understand to keep reading the series sounds difficult but you showed your spirit to tackle on this, I really happy to know you seemed to enjoy my Potterverse. I did much research about the wandlore.

I wanted to make this story more intriguing and mysterious than the first one so I wish more readers will try reading this. Sometimes I feel most of the readers are interested in romance centered stories, I wonder if I should stop writing like this. So you encouraged me to keep going.

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #11, by TidalDragon Godfather

30th August 2015:
Since I owe you two more reviews from the Last 18 Hours Challenge in the House Cup, I thought I'd pick up where I left off here.

Since you've now finished this story and I've read talk of it, I understand a bit where we are headed and in some ways it's interesting to know that in advance. You put an emphasis on the druidic magic with runes early in the chapter, highlighting their rarity, but efficacy. I think this is good because it lends credence to how powerful the magic Harry will have to face will prove to be.

The possibility of an outside influence then gets extended to his dreams and even his conception of himself and his relationship with Ginny. Read in conjunction with the original story ('First Mission') I'm now wondering if all the discussions of legilimency and occlumency feed into this and whether Harry's dreams are already being altered externally by the people seeking to influence him - and start to subtly distance him from Ginny. It's an intriguing concept.

Let's see what you do with it in Chapter 3!

Author's Response: Thank you for catching up here, Kevin. I really appreciate that you keep leaving your insight.

I'm glad you found out all hints in the first story were connected to this story. Since I've read through the seven books by J.K.Rowling, I tried the similar games like her. It might be a big and impracticable trial but I simply enjoyed it.

Writing this, I sometimes read them out for my son when he went to bed. He often fell sleep without knowing the end, so I had to repeat the same part the next day.

About Occlumency and Legilimency, the impression of Snape was so strong and Sirius gave me a big impact, so I wanted to describe about them.

I hope you'll enjoy this story, too.

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #12, by AlexFan Godfather

20th July 2015:
It’s been a while since I read the first chapter so it took me a moment to remember what happened. The flow of writing in this chapter was much much better than the previous one, and I liked the level of detail that you included concerning setting as well as character expression. One suggestion that I want to make is that every emotion out there has actions that go along with it, for example, if someone is anxious, they fidget a lot, or they play with their hands, or they’re breathing hard or avoiding eye contact when they’re speaking to someone. Another example is when you’re angry, you maybe clench your fists, or clench your jaw, or glare at someone.

I like where the story is heading because I can tell that it’s building up to Harry meeting the Druids and the anticipation builds more and more as I read because I’m imagining how the first meeting will go and what kinds of things that the characters will say and who’s going to be there so good job on that.

The only thing that I wanted to point out, and this is more because I can be really picky when it comes to canon information about the series, but I noticed with Harry’s patronus that you mentioned that because it had changed from a horse to a stag that Harry must be falling out of love Ginny, and I can understand that it’s leading up to an event involving the two of them. But, patronuses generally change because of a traumatic event, and just because yours doesn’t match up with your spouse it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t love them, it just shows that you’re different people is all because your patronus reflects who you are inside as a person. But other than that, I enjoyed the chapter and I liked it!

Author's Response: Thank you for leaving nice and insightful review on this, Alex.

Speaking of description, everyone in the forums suggests me good advice, I really appreciate that. I have to fix many things, I feel grateful that I could know such kind people here.

About cannon information, my magic world may digress a little but I enjoy the difference and if you can enjoy this as one fanfiction itself, I feel happy.

I'll change his patronus again. While I wrote this stoty, vision popped in my mind, which led me to keep writing. Writing fanfiction of J.K.Rowling's magical world is so complicated, but I'd like to enjoy writing more.

I take more time in reading than writing now, I wish I would know how to write addicting stories.


 Report Review

Review #13, by looneylizzie Trace

15th July 2015:
Hey Kenny! I’m here reviewing for your entry in my Animagus Challenge!

Since this is 30 chapters long (and I don’t have a ton of time), I’m just going to focus on the first few chapters that I found contained the most information about Animagi. I hope you don’t mind!

Anyway, onto the story!

I think it’s really interesting that Harry has multiple forms of an Animagus. It’s practically unheard of in Canon, and definitely not something I expected from Harry. I do like the two different forms he has here though - a Stag and a Horse - they both have significant meaning to him, which I really like!

It makes me wonder why it is that his Animagus form has changed from a horse to a stag… or what it means about Harry and Ginny’s relationship. Perhaps things aren’t as good as they seem?

Interesting, very interesting…

Great story Kenny, and thank you for entering my challenge! I really enjoyed reading this, and I’ll definitely have to come back and read the rest! :D

Keep writing!
LL

Author's Response: Hi, lizzie!
Thank you for leaving review for this!
If you have time to spare, you'll find (*spoiler*) his animagus form will change again.

In my first story, Harry always wonders which way to go, including the relationship between him and Ginny, in the second story, he gets used to the surroundings little by little, then in the third you can see confident Harry, but he hides his weakness deep in his mind.

Kenny


 Report Review

Review #14, by SunshineDaisies Trace

10th July 2015:
Hi Kenny! I am so, so sorry it took me so long to get here! The House Cup has made everything a bit insane.

So I really love how in depth this story is going! It's obvious you've done a fair amount of research for this and it really shines through. The land disputes the magic world has pretty closely mirror the land disputes of muggles. That makes it so interesting. (I did not actually know this ahead of time I checked wikipedia). AND THE MUSIC BOX GAH. I literally had to stop reading because I was emotional over it.

Last time I focused on dialogue, and there aren't any new issues there, so I'll talk a bit about narrative.

Again, the word choice is a bit formal, but I don't think I can say too much on that without sounding a bit redundant.

One issue I see is in exposition. It's better to show than to tell in writing, and you're doing quite a bit of telling. For example:

Williamson cast the “exsto mages spell,” that meant “Magic, show itself,” then his wand vibrated rapidly and many long blue shadows appeared on the ground.

About half of that sentence is unnecessary. It would read much better if you showed Williamson casting the spell. Something along the lines of "Williamson raised is wand and said 'exsto mages.' His wand began vibrating rapidly and long blue shadows appeared on the ground." Is much more natural and much more interesting to read!

The rest of the chapter is pretty good on this front!

My next suggestion is to combine similar sentences. You've got some variety in sentence length, which is good, but when you describe things you tend to use short, choppy sentences.

The cottage was detached with four basic rooms, two upstairs, two down. One of them was large. Harry looked in the larger room beyond the square living room, and could see various patterns of kilt clothes hung above the hearth. There was an upright piano by the hearth. On the piano lots of picture frames were standing.

I'm looking at the last two sentences here. The length of them isn't the problem so much as the repetition of words-- which makes it seem choppy. Instead of that, I'd suggest something like "Next to it stood an upright piano, the top covered in picture frames."

Same issue applies here:
The wall of the room was moss green. There was a big mirror on the wall. Mr.Murray sat down on the oak arm chair and said,“Are you ready, Mr. Potter?”

You can definitely combine those first two sentences and make a much smoother sentence.

Here, I think the length of the sentences is an issue:
They apparated in front of the gate to Hogwarts. Ron sent his Patronus in. A silvery Jack Russell terrier leapt away and soon Neville was running down to them.

You actually have a few options for adjusting this, you can combine the first two sentences, "They apparted in front of the gate and Ron sent his Patronus in."

Or, you can combine the sentences about the patronus and separate the one about Neville. "Ron conjured his patronus and a silver Jack Russell terrier leapt away. Soon, Neville was running down to them."

Either one works well.

That's all I've got for you for now! I hope you found it helpful. Again, I'm so sorry this was late! Enjoy the rest of the House Cup!

Author's Response: Hi, Katie!
Thank you so much for telling me some examples. For authors like me, these suggestions mean a lot. I tried to write in detail, which sometimes ended awkwardly.

Our pioneers have struggled translating in own language, so writing English is like translating one language into another for me, which is my barrier to break down.

Though House Cup events are coming but I have to fix them ASAP. Thank you for sparing your time for this!

:) Kenny


 Report Review

Review #15, by SunshineDaisies Wandmaker

17th June 2015:
Hello again, Kenny!

First off, I'm glad you liked that present! I was pretty haunted by that last line, and I thought it should be immortalized, even if I barely know how to use photoshop :)

This is another interesting chapter! I love the way the plot is taking shape here! I especially liked the introduction of Umbridge with the Druids, and that you added the Druids back in this chapter. It definitely catches my attention. I'm also very interested in the wands! How does magic work without a wand? It's a really unique idea, and I'm looking forward to see how it will play out.

Alright, now for specifics! I'm going to focus on dialogue here, as that's mainly where the flow problems arise. The description read pretty smoothly this time.

I think the main problem is that you're using language that's too formal for the situation. In English, a lot of the time using a formal version of speech puts an unnecessary and unwanted emphasis on the words. In this chapter, it happens in two notable ways: you use the word "must" quite often, and you don't use contractions where you could.

"Must," is not used very often in English speech, (at least not in American speech) so when we do use it, it makes the sentence sound very dramatic. Examples:

“Ron, it’s your training. You must perform magic with this substitute wand,” Harry admonished Ron.

“I can’t tell you. It’s a Wizarding World Top Secret,” said Harry. “You
must keep this confidential,” he repeated.

Both of these sentences would flow better if you replaced the word "Must" with something less formal. For example:

"You have to perform magic with this substitute wand." (perhaps with an emphasis on "have" if you feel the need.)

“You have to keep this confidential,” he repeated. In this case, there's definitely an emphasis needed, but it still sounds unnatural to use "must" italicizing have to gives the same meaning in a more natural tone. Alternatively, you could rephrase the sentence so it says "You cannot (or can't) tell anyone."

You aren't grammatically wrong at all, but these examples sound more like a person talking would.

My next point is contractions. When you use them, it's correct, it's when you don't use them that trips up the reader. Generally speaking, English speakers (again, at least American), use contractions whenever it's possible. Saying both words properly adds emphasis to the sentence, and in most cases the emphasis doesn't make sense there. Examples:

“Oh, yeah, but Hermione can perform nonverbal magic very well, so I will give it to her.”
Saying "I'll" give it to her sounds much more natural, especially when Ron's speaking.

“I see. I will not tell anyone. Shall I examine your wand closely?”
Saying "Won't" instead of "will not" sounds much more like natural speech.

Mafalda will send an owl to the president of Gringotts. They have never forgiven Potter for breaking in there,” said Umbridge, smirking.

"They've" instead of "they have."

In some cases, it makes more sense to use the full words, but generally, people use contractions wherever possible.

These are tips you can also use in non-dialogue writing, as most people will read the same way they speak.

Just some suggestions to try out. :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your review, Katie!
Your advice is very helpful.
I'll fix the points you told me here soon.
(Maybe after House Cup.)

Showing examples in detail really helps me. Not a few readers stopped by and left advice, which are also helpful, but for me,
the suggestions showing examples are more useful, 'cause the chance to learn them was rare here.

Sorry for my short response for your long review.
I'll stop by and leave review on your page, too.

:)Kenny


 Report Review

Review #16, by SunshineDaisies Godfather

3rd June 2015:
Hey there Kenny! Sorry it took me so long to get here! Real life got a bit busy for a while. (Busy and internet-less. It was terrible.)

Okay, so I really like the progression of the plot here! It's a simple step forward, just another mention of the Druids, but I like that. It's obviously important to the plot, but it isn't obnoxiously obvious. I'm a big fan of subtlety, personally, so I think this was an excellent way to start!

I loved the scene by the Black Lake. It was intense and dramatic, and certainly added a bit of suspense! It was a great way hold interest while subtly progressing the main plot. It's very reminiscent of the actual Harry Potter books, there's all sorts of smaller things going on all the time, and those scenes almost always contribute to the overarching plot at some point. I think your story matches up very well with that, which is always nice to read. However, I do think this scene was a bit confusing. I wasn't sure who was volunteering and who was training. I wasn't sure of who even was in the group! I think you could make it much clearer with a bit of tweaking.

I think your characterization was pretty on point too. Ginny is certainly someone who would make Harry rescue Padma first, and Harry would absolutely freak out when the stone didn't work immediately. It was an excellent example of showing their character. I'm not sure Ginny would concede so readily to Harry asking her not to volunteer. She seems more the type to respond to that by saying "I'll do what I please, thank you." But people sometimes react differently after a stressful event.

I'm not sure how I feel about Harry's animagus form being a horse. It just seems his character is much more suited to a stag, and I feel like Harry and Ginny both have such strong personalities that they wouldn't change for each other. Of course, this is more a matter of personal opinion than anything. (I have many, many thoughts about couples having matching patronuses.)

The only other thing I think you could work on is the dialogue. It reads pretty stiff and unnatural now, which makes it more difficult to read. Writing good dialogue is pretty difficult and takes a TON of practice to get right. My advice for that would be to practice! And listen to English songs/movies/TV shows etc. It'll help give you a grasp on the way people speak.

All in all, a very good second chapter!

Author's Response: Hey, Daisies, my secret santa.

Thank you so much for leaving long review.
I really apprecitate. I'm not good at writing longer one.

Thank you for your patience to read this dusty old one. With my beta's help I fixed some, but I learned the effort wasn't enough. If I can make time for this , I'll be back to fix them.

Thank you again! :)

P.S.
I really amazed by CI you sent me the other day.

Kenny




 Report Review

Review #17, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Godfather

27th May 2015:
Hey Kenny! Sorry for the late review request response. I finished a very demanding job and I’m graduating tomorrow so real life has been hectic. Anywho, let’s get reviewing!

I wanted to say thank you for your keeping the incident in the bathroom to yourself.

Small typo, should be: thank you for keeping the…

The extra ‘your’ is not needed.

The pain he had held down inside his heart for years surfaced again. If Sirius was still alive, Harry could live with him anywhere they wanted like a real son and a real father.

I think this is believable. The thing about Harry is that he never let’s himself work through anything. He just goes, goes, goes. Granted, he did mourn Sirius when it first happened but he lost so many people that his death and others are bound to bother him later on in life. Especially when things are going well for him because he doesn’t have the ones he wants to share his new life and progress with. Sirius too was essentially the father he never had.

“I agree, but there still remains the possibility that he might be attacked by other house students. And I don’t think Umbridge and Lestrange have given up,” said Harry.

The story is definitely easier to read now that it has been edited but I think you’re still losing the mark on some things. Take for example this conversation with Ron here, it just ends and begins out of nowhere. I think I would like more fleshed out pieces or you could just do without the small talk. You’re the writer so it’s up to you.

I thought you did a wonderful job conveying Harry’s worry over Ginny. For a second there I was convinced she wasn’t going to make it. You described the entire scene from before they went into the water, to his memories and misgivings, to when he came out and Ginny was finally okay. The only critique I have is you make their goodbye rather abrupt. It almost feels like he doesn’t care in the end or just wants to be away from her.

Was love for Ginny fading away?

Should be: Was his love…

Wow, you wrote that song! Excellent job Kenny! I’m really impressed and the ending to the chapter made me chuckle. I would work still on the transitions because sometimes they are abrupt like I said in my examples above. Try making some of the scenes longer or connecting them in a way because too many short choppy scenes make the chapter confusing.

Other than that great read! You are definitely starting something interesting here.

Author's Response: Thank you, Deeds for leaving so many suggestions. I'd like to fix them all.

Talking of transitions, it's the most difficult one for me, so it'll take much time for me to master them. I had no idea to carry on this, but maybe reading other author's work will teach me something. Exploring various kinds of stories here will help me with this.

Many thoughts pop in my head, but it's more difficult to express them properly in English. My beta friends really do good for me. I deeply appreciate them.

Thank you again for sparing time for this!


 Report Review

Review #18, by Hogwarts27 Assault

29th April 2015:
Excellent chapter with lots of action and losts of new developments. It just kept me reading to see what would happen next.

A wand battle, yes, I always enjoy a good battle. One minor point I might mention is that we're not told where the goblins are during the fight until it's over. I think it would be great to actually show how they manage to exit during a battle, so that it will make sense to the reader. But I enjoyed the scene nonetheless.

Oh, excellent power of the druidic spoon! So we get a good hint of what's waiting for Harry down the road.

I was happy to hear Snape agree that Draco always wavers between the light and dark side, as this has been my thought for much of the story. And of course Dumbledore wants to give him a second chance. I really enjoy not being able to predict which side Draco is on. And there is also the thought of Dara hanging around nearby, perhaps eavesdropping.

Author's Response: Thank you again for reading this, Hogwarts 27. I really appreciate you spare your time for this. Today I signed up another review battle in the forums, so I'm eager to read your story, yeah!

As you pointed out, I checked the battle I wrote, (I cursed myself that I found the same misspelling, again), then I also felt more detailed description was needed. So I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter of your goblin's story. Your description enlightens me.

Well, it's just a dream but in the future can we write together for something? It's still just a vague idea..but first discuss the plot, I'll supply the idea, you add your idea, detailed sentences, then discuss again on and on create something like John Lennon and Paul McCartney. What do you think?

If you can, please PM me when you have time.

Kenny



 Report Review

Review #19, by Hogwarts27 Antidotes

29th April 2015:
Well, I really enjoying the unfolding of more love potion again. And the goblin meeting was also a good read. It seemed to go very easily, but then the attack made me think perhaps not.

Author's Response: Thank you for following this, Hogwarts27.
My description about Gringotts, I have no confidence compared with your spectacular work(blush). But you seemed to enjoy this, I'm happy to hear that.

I need to edit this chapter,detailed descriptions,too. Thank you for reminding me of these.


 Report Review

Review #20, by Hogwarts27 Hermione Awakes

15th April 2015:
Great chapter again. I really enjoyed how Hermione was given the potion to make her wake up. And I appreciated the summary of what Harry still needs to do at the end. I wonder what's going on with the kiss at the end of the chapter. This is surely not Hermione's own behavior. It makes me wonder if this is Dara posing as Hermione, or whether it's love potion again.

Author's Response: Thank you again for your sparing time for this.

I think I like science so it may be easier to describe these potions scene than other things.

As you pointed, I need to do summary, and wonder how J.K.Rowling keeps writing without losing the prospects of her plot in her stories.
Some HP fans, especially who like Hermione, may hate the last scene, but I wanted just twists and turns.


 Report Review

Review #21, by Hogwarts27 Draco’s Angst

15th April 2015:
Terrific chapter. I really enjoyed the scene between Harry and Draco. It's good that the story always makes me doubt Draco's true loyalty, so now we will see what happens. And we'll see whether Kingsley can hang on to the Ministry as well. Such a great plot.

Author's Response: I really appreciate you keep leaving review. I must fix the description part ASAP. Now I know a big plot needs more detailed description.

I'm glad you enjoyed the conversation between Harry and Draco.


 Report Review

Review #22, by Hogwarts27 Daughter of the Most Loyal Family

12th April 2015:
The story problems are really starting to get solved. While I thought it was a little out of character for Harry to get drunk - canon Harry never seemed like the drinking type to me - I have to say you did a marvelous job describing the scene! It felt just like how a drinking type character would react, and of course, they always have a drinking friend. In this case, Seamus!

I also thought the love potion affair was settled too easily. Even though both sides realize that love potion causes a person not to be responsible for their actions, there were still hurt and fearful feelings for both Ginny and Harry that the couple never shared, that a real-life couple would certainly have talked about with each other, if only to make sure the other person was healed before expecting them to go forward. Nevertheless, the couple's reunion was really sweet and tender, and a feeling of instant forgiveness and mutual devotion really comes through.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and I look forward to finding out what will happen next.

Author's Response: Thank you for your encouraging words, again.
The book 6 of HP gave much influence on my writing. The style from Harry's point of view like J.K.Rowlings fits me well, though there're lots to be rewritten about describing Harty/Ginny relationship in my story.. My expression needs more improvement.

With a bit of ingenuity, I think we can write about twists and turns around their relationships , the authors will be able to create more attractive stories of Harty/Ginny ship combining romance with mystery and action as the others have tried in the past.


 Report Review

Review #23, by Hogwarts27 Remedy Against Druidic Curse

12th April 2015:
Ah, Harry starts to make real progress in this chapter. A lovely read. I enjoyed it all. Everything was druid magic, so it was all new and interesting to me, yet it was just as believable as the potions and magical objects we know from the books. Here again, I have to say that you make druid magic a really good fit with the books. I enjoyed reading the potion ingredients and directions. Wow, talk about a long potion to brew! I hope Draco does it right, and manages to stay awake. On the other hand, he could decide to work against Harry and cause a problem. Either way would work great for a plot!

Author's Response: Hi, Hogwarts27, I appreciate that you keep following this. The druidic things are all my imagination, so I've been wondering if readers understand what I try to write about, so I'm simply happy to know you enjoyed this chapter.
Speaking of Draco's decision, I try to write him as a struggling young man to stand on the right place like Harry.


 Report Review

Review #24, by Hogwarts27 Being Desperate For (2)

8th April 2015:
This chapter had a lot of scene changes going on, but what happened in the scenes was quite interesting, so I didn't really mind the fast pace. I had no trouble following the story as long as it was clear where the scenes were changing. The one place it wasn't clear to me right away that the scene was changing, was where Harry pulls on his invisibility cloak and enters the Entrance Hall, so you might think of doing a little clearer transition there if you ever edit. :) But if not, the reader quickly figures it out anyway, so it's not a big problem.

I know that it's much easier to write short scenes when writing in a second language. That said, even professional authors sometimes write very short scenes on purpose, which can be very effective in some cases, and I noticed an excellent example of that in this chapter - when Harry punches Dean.

I thought the Harry/Dean scene was actually brilliant because it was short. I thought the short conversation, short response, and abrupt exit was actually a very fitting way to move through the scene. And I loved Harry's exiting dialogue. If you ever edit, I think you might describe the punch a little more, like maybe the sound it makes, and whether Dean yells in pain because it has to hurt. But aside from that, I think a short scene actually works much better than a longer one in this case. And you give the reader a bit of a cliff-hanger ending, where we're left to imagine how Dean will recover from the blow. I really quite liked it that way.

I think the scene with Slughorn could have used just a little more dialogue, but that's a very minor point. You did some nice descriptions in that scene, and the scene served it's purpose when Ginny learned of the love potion.

I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I'm really enjoying this story plot. Whenever I come to this story, I know I will enjoy the adventure.

Author's Response: Your suggestions are really helpful. It'll take much more time till my beta readers on this but it's worth trying to add more information about the details to the scene of Harry and Dean by myself. With your review I became a highly motivated, thank you very much! :) Kenny

 Report Review

Review #25, by Hogwarts27 Being Desperate For (1)

8th April 2015:
This chapter was a very nice read. I ike the way you brought out Harry's jealousy at seeing Ginny/Dean kissing and connected it to all the other scenes in the chapter. Because the kiss is so important through the whole chapter, if you ever decide to edit, I mighht suggest describing it just a little bit more for the reader. I don't think it needs a lot of detail, but I think just some hint of the physical closeness that goes along with kissing would be nice, so the reader can clearly picture the closeness of the couple that Harry is so offended by, along with Ginny's facial expression that you already emphasize quite well. But even if you never edit, the feeling of the kiss' importance is still understood.

Later on, the part where Harry and Dara kiss was a very nicely written scene, and you connected it very well to Harry's jealousy. The scene builds to a nice intensity, and even becomes a bit sensual, which I really enjoyed. I especially liked the part where Harry swears. His mild swearing was just the right way to express what he must have felt afterward. I thought the transition to St. Mungo's was little abrupt though. When St. Mungo's was mentioned right away after the couple broke apart, at first I wondered whether Dara seriously harmed Harry in some way. It took me a little while to realize it was just Hermione that Harry was still worried about. So I think a slower or clearer transition between those scenes would be helpful for the reader. :) But other than that, I really enjoyed this scene between Harry and Dara. Very well done.

I also liked the way you kept connecting the kisses between Harry/Dara and Ginny/Dean in the scenes that followed, both at St. Mungo's, and in Harry's conversation with Ron. This was a very nicely done chapter that I much enjoyed reading.

Author's Response: Thank you again. Your opinion is right to the point on describing some hint of the physical things. I've been unsure how much readers would understand my story so your honest review is really helpful.
I'd better think over the transition to St.Mungo's but wait, your misunderstanding will turn to a good twists and turns, so I may add some more around Dara and Harry...
there can be more ups and downs.


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>