Back again! :D
I think this would probably have to be my favourite chapter so far. I really enjoyed all the conversation you wrote and the interactions between all the characters, and I'm growing to love Tor more and more as a protagonist.
You have a brilliant start to the chapter with that line about Goyle: "Is he even smart enough to fancy someone?" I couldn't help laughing at it, and the CI fits in really well - I think that's possibly the creepiest picture I've ever seen of Goyle! I can totally understand why Tor doesn't want to go out with him and the reasons she's trying to avoid him, but I actually (surprisingly) found myself feeling sorry for him when I was reading this chapter. He puts so much effort into looking presentable and finding her, just for her to run away!
I found myself feeling sorry for Tor in the first half of this chapter as well. Her day sounds really awful, especially with Goyle making advances on her and then having to watch Theo and his girlfriend (there's definitely a bit of a crush there, but it'll be interesting to see what happens now she's met this other guy). I love the idea of conjuring magical cupids to prank and tease the annoying lovebirds!
And of course, the introduction of the muggle born! It's him, right? It has to be! You were really clever here, not telling us his name. But I'm very intrigued to find out who he is, especially since he's in Harry's year. He's obviously not in Slytherin, because Tor would have known who he is, and he doesn't seem like Dean Thomas, so I'm guessing he's in Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw? Argh, I really want to know who he is!
I really enjoyed reading all the conversation between them. This muggleborn's a very likeable character at this point! I wonder if Tor would have been so open with him had she known that he was actually a muggleborn? But I like the idea of the two of them just telling a random stranger something nobody else knew. I have a feeling there was some definite foreshadowing going on in that conversation, though, like the Seer who had told the guy he'd do well in his NEWTs IF he got the chance to write them. It doesn't bode well already, and that makes me a little sad. I'm looking forward to seeing their relationship develop, though!
Once again, another thing I love here is the thought and detail you put into this chapter. Even the fact that they have the magnificent owl is almost like a way of showing off the superiority of their family in comparison to others; the letter was also interesting. The way that Tor's mother is encouraging her to consider Goyle because he'd be a good marriage is so weird, because she can't be more than 15 here, and that's far too young to think about marriage!
There was also the little details like the book that the muggleborn was reading, kind of singling him out as that. The whole Slytherin and pureblood supremacy was emphasised through this line as well: "Is he a Slytherin? Heís handsome enough to be."
I just have one Britpick in this chapter:
"Heís taller than I am, but only by a couple inches." -- a couple of inches
Another great chapter, and I'll be back as soon as I can to read on!
Sian :) Report Review
I am so sorry it took me so long to get back... Finals and stuff you know?
This was yet another wonderful chapter, I think i'm really falling in love with this juicy plot. Tor is brillant as always. What I really like about this chapter was the backstory into Tor's father, and then her childhood. It was a sidetrack from what is happening in her reality, but gives the reader some information that is important to know. This is really great work, can't wait for you to request chapter 6. Love It.
BB Report Review
I love the blend of humour and tension in this chapter. The way that your characters can be discussing Quidditch one minute, and joining up as Death Eaters the next is brilliant, and feels totally natural. I'm enjoying all the different dynamics you're setting up amongst the different groups of Slytherins, and I'm sure they'll come to be very interesting later in the story! So far, you've done a wonderful job of making typically unsympathetic characters into real, 3D people- partly good, partly not-so-good, just like anyone else. The part with the House Elf was a good example of this.
I like the way you write Tor and her friends- it feels very comfortable. The way they treat Voldemort issues with a kind of fear and curiosity mixed with bravado feels perfect, and very realistic... and ohmygosh Voldemort on a broomstick! What an image!
By the way it's nice to read a female character with guy friends who aren't all in love/ in awe of her! And their conversations do make me laugh!
Tor's mother sounds wonderful! Her letter made me laugh out loud- especially the bit at the end about choosing an acceptable partner! I imagine Tor has quite a force to contend with at home with a Death Eater father and such a forceful mother and father!
Ooh and she gets on with Slughorn...? I can actually see Astoria as being good at potion-making somehow! I look forward to seeing how that will pan out...!
There were a few little typos I noticed in this- I think there was a missing apostrophe somewhere and the odd spelling slip-up... maybe have another read through and iron those out?
Overall I thought this was a great chapter. I simply adore how you manage to bring across the contrasts in this story- between comedy and anxiety, between anticipation and fear... Great job!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi there! :)
I'm glad you liked the story, and that the characters are coming across as realistic. I definitely tried to blend being serious and silly, and to show that despite their strict beliefs they really are just impressionable teenagers. It's wonderful to know that the characters seem dynamic, and neither good or evil but somewhere in between, just like everyone is! :)
I thought Voldy playing Quidditch was just too silly as well. He's so independent, he would probably play every position at once, or just use dark magic on the other team. :P
It's great that you enjoyed Tor's mother as well! You're right, their house would certainly be full of many big personalities! I think since Tor's dad isn't known to be a DE, and because she's good at talking people up, that Slughorn would take a liking to her!
Thank you so much for this really lovely review, it was a real pleasure to read! I really appreciate all your thoughts on the story! :D Report Review
So where do I start? That last line?? Well, I think I'll get to that later. I have to start with this: you dedicated this chapter to me? Wow, I don't even know how to respond to that (especially since it was one of my favourite chapters so far in the story!) :D It's always nice to hear that my comments can make you happy, and honestly, I've meant every single on of them!! I feel very honoured :D
The first part of this chapter, visiting Azkaban etc., was perfectly written. You could really feel their dread, and the sadness and horrible atmosphere that surrounds that place. To have Carrow guard the prison was a nice touch as well; you also hinted something about Tor standing up to her next year. I just assume that we'll have Terry to thank for that.
The way you used the Patronus was so clever and innovative! To have it cheer even Mr Nott up - I was so sad when he didn't recognize his son, and it made me feel better for a little while!
While that part was very sad and horrible, the feeling that lingers with me now that I've finished the chapter is the one that pervades the second part of the chapter. I'm so glad that you allowed them to be just kids for a while, and especially for Tor and Malfoy, as I think that they are suffering the most. Well, maybe the Nott boys, as well: especially Theo. I still don't know what is going on with him, but Tor and Pyxis' discussion made it seem like it had something to do with him being recruited by the Death Eaters. Maybe he's supposed to be involved in the attack against the Weasleys somehow? I can't wait to find out. You've built up a lot of tension around him, so that's probably the part I look forward to the most as of right now. Also, it seems like Pyxis is starting to suspect that something is going on with Tor. Maybe he'll be the one to find out about her and Terry. If it is, I'm not sure if he'll have a bad reaction or if he'll just support her, because in my mind, he's the best friend she's got. I think. Haha, they're all so complicated, so I don't really know!
And then came that last part. Within two years, one of them will be dead. I have so many suspicions! I don't know if you're interested in hearing them, but I'll just give you an extract anyway: It could be Daphne, as a result of that whole Zabini thing that Pyxis was rambling about. It could be Theo, because he is bound to get involved with the Death Eaters (this is most likely to me). It could be Pyxis, although I know he will still be alive at the Battle of Hogwarts, thanks to Resistance. But maybe he's the boy in the wood with the centaurs? But I do think it's one of the people that Tor loves, from little Emma's prediction (was her name Emma?). It was the perfect ending to a flawless chapter, and I once again want to thank you both for writing it and for dedicating it to me! You are the most awesome person, you really are! :) I can't wait for the next one (I'm thrilled that you updated so quickly again, by the way!)Author's Response: Hi! Aw, yay! I just thought you deserved a shout-out for all the love you've given this story! :D
I'm glad you liked the Azkaban scene, it was very fun to imagine and write! It's such a nasty place, and I wanted to show Tor and the Notts how far they have to fall if they join Voldy. Not sure if Theo saw it that way, however!
I really loved writing the second half as well, and felt that since the first bit was so depressing they needed some fun. After all, they are still pretty young! I'm so excited that you're enjoying the buildup around Theo, and yes there's definitely a lot going on with him! All your predictions are so awesome, and much will be revealed soon... well, someday! :)
I love your suspicions, and those are such interesting ideas! Yes, at this point it could pretty much be any of them, hehe. :) This particular chapter ended up with a lot of ominous foreshadowing, didn't it?
I'm so glad you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you for a wonderful review, as per usual!! :D I think you'll enjoy the next chapter as well... :)
-BookDinosaur- here with your criminally late review! I'm so sorry! :(
So, down to business. *cracks knuckles* I really, really like this story. A lot.
Just your first area of concern, the prologue flows really well into the actual story, so don't worry about that. :)
All the background you've added to the story makes it really believable and realistic, and I especially like your portrayals of the Death Eaters-they weren't all emotionless killing machines, only Voldy was. I loved the Yaxley-Greengrass twist you put in the story as well, all the small details in the story add up perfectly and there are hardly any gaps in your background story.
Your characterisation is also really good, I feel like I can hear Tor speaking to me and see her doing everything in the stoy, you've really managed to breathe life into her. But really, it's not just her, it's all your other characters as well, you've done a really good job characterising them.
I love the way you write Tor, I can really feel what she's feeling, the turmoil she has roiling around inside her and her newfound uncertainty of the world she's always lived in, I feel you just write that so, so well.
The flow was also good, if anything there were a couple of typos here and there that disturbed the flow a little, but nothing major.
I will admit, I was nervous at first of the romance you were writing here, the Romeo+Juliet-esque thing, I feel like every time that's written it turns the story into a mess of cliches, but you managed to pull it off really well, so well done on that. :D
Out of interest, how did Pyxis get hold a Muggle drug? I thought he was Pureblood?
I don't think Guinevere will eat Lancelot, I think they'll become great friends. He'll lure the mice out of their holes and she'll kill them. They will become the Unstoppable Mouse Killing Machine. ;DAuthor's Response: Hi! Well, this review was certainly worth the wait! :)
It's lovely to hear that you're enjoying the story, and got to read it through in one go and give an overall opinion. It's very helpful to me to get this feedback!
I'm so glad you're liking the details that go into the background and bringing these characters into being. You're right, they're very diverse and nobody quite personifies good or evil. I'm glad you enjoyed the Yaxley addition, since I worried readers would just be confused.
I'm so thrilled that you like Tor as well! I've really put a lot of heart into giving her this personality and voice, and she feels real to me as well. :) Her inner turmoil is so central to the story, and very dynamic for me to write, so I'm really glad to hear it's coming across right.
I'm glad you thought the romance avoided cliches! I think it would have been more cliche if Terry was from a prominent family like the Weasleys, or was a really obvious Muggleborn presence in the Hogwarts community, but since he's kind of a nobody it's more original (or at least I hope so!). :) I wanted to show not so much forbidden love, but how Terry and Tor help each other to be more open-minded and accept other people.
Hmm, I think of Pyxis as being a lot more relaxed about pureblood values than Theo and some of the others. He gets the drug from a wizard supplier, I wanted to show how inter-connected the wizarding and Muggle worlds actually are. :)
Haha, that's an excellent prediction! I hope they'll become friends as well, I'm a huge fan of both of Tor's pets!! :D
Thank you for this really great review, I really appreciate it!! :) Hopefully you keep up with and keep enjoying this story! Report Review
You're not content with this? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to shower you with praise to make you realize how brilliant it really is! :)
Of course it was Andromeda!! Why didn't I think of her? They're in the exact same position, when you think of it. I hope she can help Tor in some way, because I feel really bad for her.
It was quite nice to see some interaction between Tor and Malfoy, actually. Even if it's still far off, they do have a future together. I guess Malfoy was acting strange because he was worried about his task - I felt really bad for him. Maybe Tor will be able to relate to him when she finds out, and that's how they'll connect. After all, their situations are quite simular as well. Both were born into pureblood families, but as Malfoy shows later on in the series, I don't think he really wants it either. Of course, Tor is way ahead of him in that development.
I guess the whole secret forbidden love thing is taking its toll on Tor and Terry, which is very understandable! It can't be easy. When you're in love you want to shout it out to the world, not hide it and pretend like it doesn't exist. Well, they'll have to cope. I hope they will, at least, but I have a hunch that someone will find out about them before they grow sick of always hiding their feelings. I guess we'll see.. ;)
I love how Tor starts to notice so many things about the Muggles, like the boy throwing himself into his mother's arms at the platform, and the kid who kept staring at the Pygmu Puff. It's like it's really hitting her now, the fact that Muggles aren't all that different from them. Those nice little details hints it in a subtle way that works perfectly!
I also really enjoyed reading about Tor and the Nott Brothers doing their Christmas shopping. I love the fact that Pyxis bought her the Pygmy Puff! I hope Guinevere doesn't eat it, but it wouldn't surprise me if he did. And then Theo went and acted strange again. When you wrote that thing about Malfoy reminding Tor of Theo, a thought hit me: is he doing something simular? For Voldemort? Hmm... I really want to find out what is up with him. He was so sweet in the beginning of this chapter, but something bad is definitely going on there.
Oh, and the police walking up to them: that made sense! Of course Pyxis wouldn't know anything about Muggle law. Even though I think he should stop doing drugs, I'm glad Theo finally got a hold of himself and helped them.
I also really enjoyed the fact that Yaxley gave Tor that book! In a way, he's giving her the information she needs to (possibly) save herself and Terry when people start to suspect something about them, and he doesn't even know it! He's helping his daughter continue her relationship with a Muggleborn (but I still think it will end very badly, unfortunately).
Andromeda's response to Tor's letter was really sweet and insightful. It must have been so hard for her...
Well, that last paragraph was a brilliant ending to make the readers want more! (But you already know that I want more) ;) You should absolutely be content with this! You packed so much into it, and all of it was good and relevant and interesting, and I'm still in love with this story! I already long for the next chapter and I hope it won't be too long! :) Keep up the wonderful work!Author's Response: Oh my goodness, you are just too nice to me! :) Thank you for these wonderful comments, it definitely helped me feel better about this chapter.
Yes, I thought Andromeda would be a perfect confidant for Tor, since they were in very similar situations! Plus, I really liked Andromeda in the books from what little we saw of her, and thought that she and Tor would get along.
I'm glad you liked the interactions with Malfoy! He's actually a really entertaining character to write, and I hope he's staying true to canon, though a little more bearable. I think he and Tor have a lot in common as well, and that they (and the Notts and others) should learn to stick together instead of resenting and playing power games with each other! And yes, I wanted to give them some interactions because of the future they may or may not have... :P
I'm glad you liked the parts with the Muggles! :) It was fun to put there characters into Muggle London and switch up the setting a bit! And you're definitely right, not only has hanging out with Terry and Ginny opened Tor's eyes a bit, but they've made her want to be able to see other perspectives and become a more accepting person. And I'm glad you liked the shopping, it was fun to write and I was so excited to get Tor a Pygmy Puff! They remind me of slightly more intelligent and colourful hampsters. :)
And hmm, keep questioning what Theo does! :D And Pyxis. Tor is going to start paying more attention to their problems in future chapters as well.
That's a very good point about the book, and well, I can't say more about how it's going to end, but it makes me happy that you're wondering about it! :D
Thank you so much for another great review!!! :D I love writing this story and having your encouragement is just so lovely, so thank you!
This was a really interesting chapter, I especially enjoyed the part about the sorting and Griz Goyal, what a witch she is. So mean, good writing there. Keep it up, I may cheat soon and read through to the end.Author's Response: Hi! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story, and learning a little more about Griz. You're right, she really isn't the sweetest! :P Thank you for the positive feedback, it really means a lot to me, and you are very welcome to keep reading!! :) Report Review
A very intriguing beginning! It's so fascinating to read the Hogwarts era from the point of view of the "bad guys," so to speak, and you do a great job of making them into likable, even relatable characters. You really manage to capture a sense of community among the Pureblood characters, which I liked, as I imagine them to be quite a close-knit group.
There was this brilliant contrast between their everyday, teenage concerns- about Quidditch and missing their friends- and the concerns about the Dark Lord. It was pretty chilling to here all the Pureblood-superiority stuff coming from the mouths of fourteen-year-olds, but I guess they don't know any better...
One thing that confused me a little bit was why she's Tor Yaxley and not Tor Greengrass? Maybe you could explain that at some point? Tor is a great nickname for Astoria though, by the way!
Ooh and the bit at the end with Malfoy was spooky! I'm hoping that he's going to be part of this story, even though Tor doesn't seem to have a very high opinion of him! That last paragraph or so was beautifully written- you brought across the tension and uncomfortable-ness of the situation absolutely perfectly!
Another great chapter! Well done!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi! Nice to see you back!
I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far! It's really fun to write Hogwarts era, and both easier and challenging since JKR has already laid out the plot foundations and I've been trying to fit Tor's experiences around those events. It's great to hear you like the characterization so far, and that they're coming across as relatable and human.
I think it's chilling too! And they sort of think of the DE stuff with a certain amount of detachment, and yes have a contrast between their ordinary teen lives and pureblood ideals.
Yeah, I gave her Yaxley as a father, but she goes by her mother's last name. It's explained a bit better in the upcoming chapters, but I was worried that it was a little confusing and that I should clear it up here. So thanks for pointing that out!
Malfoy does have a big role in the story, though he's not really one of the main characters. I'm glad you liked his appearance, and he does grow on her! :)
Thank you so much for this lovely review!!! :) Report Review
I got a spare moment so I'm back! :D
This chapter has really added some brilliant depth to Astoria's family and I loved the expansion on details of her childhood and background. She's definitely extremely proud of her pureblood heritage, and has presumably been taught it well, although I think the Yaxleys are a little wiser about it than the Malfoys. I liked the explanation as to why Astoria uses her mother's name instead of her father's, as well as the little detail about how prestigious her mother's bloodline is.
The names were a nice detail, too, and I think that they fit well with the illustrious heritage of the two families. It's quite interesting that her mother is older than her father, because that doesn't seem to happen often in stories. The description of what Yaxley and his classmates got up to at school, practising dark magic in the dungeons, was rather sinister. The connection with Snape was really helpful for the reader to place Yaxley's age in relation to the other characters we know about.
I'm actually quite surprised by how much I enjoyed the detached style of this chapter. I think if Tor had constantly spoken of 'my father', then it would have seemed much more like boasting, whereas her use of the name Yaxley suggests more admiration for him and his achievements. It's really effective!
It's actually really refreshing to see the Death Eaters portrayed in this light. Although Voldemort couldn't love (I suspect his congratulations for Yaxley's marriage was more about the fact that he would be producing another generation of supporters for him), I don't think that means that his followers didn't have the ability to love. Orpheus clearly cares for and loves his family, but other things are more important at times in pureblood families.
I also really like the idea that Yaxley managed to stay under the Ministry's radar after the first war, but remained loyal to Voldemort and actually went looking for him. I imagine that would have made it easier for him to slip back into the inner circle when Voldemort returned.
Obviously, since we're seeing all of this through Tor's eyes our views on some characters are going to be biased, but I really like her at the moment - and as a result I don't like Daphne very much! The contrasts you draw between them are really entertaining, and I think Tor's probably cleverer than her older sister, especially if the talent for occlumency and leglimency is anything to go by!
There are just a few mistakes I picked up on:
"were silenced with by a twitch of the white finger" -- either with or by
"The Yaxleys have always had competition, those who are jealous and will stoop to any low in order to get ahead." -- I think the comma here needs to be a semi-colon or dash.
"ever night we stationed ourselves " -- every
And then as a cultural note, we tend to only have one best man at a wedding rather than multiple groomsmen who stand up with the groom at the wedding.
This story is so compelling and I'm really intrigued to see how you continue to develop it - and of course, I'm eager for the introduction of the mysterious muggleborn!
Sian :)Author's Response: Hi again! :)
I'm so happy you liked this chapter, since it just ignored the current plot and went back to explain the family's history. It was very fun to write, however, and to imagine a family legacy for Tor!
The Yaxleys are definitely proud of their name, but are smart enough not to flaunt it in the way the Malfoys do. I really enjoyed imagining what they would have been up to at Hogwarts, and where Yaxley fits in with the other Death Eaters. Yaxley's a really slippery character who definitely played his cards right both when Voldy was defeated the first time, and when he returned. I pictured him being a few years above Snape and that lot.
I'm glad you liked the detached style as well! The story goes back into this style every so often, and I've tried to keep it in Tor's voice even if it's talking about events that she wouldn't necessarily have known about yet. So it's good to hear that it was effective! :)
Yay, I'm glad you like how the DE are portrayed. They're not all inhuman monsters, though Voldy is, but they're people who love their families just as much as those on the other side do.
I'm so glad you like Tor!! :D I am quite attached to her and try to make her as likeable as possible, though she certainly does have her flaws and fair share of mistakes. Daphne definitely isn't particularly pleasant, though we do see slightly better sides to her later. :)
Thanks for pointing out those mistakes! I'll fix them when I go back and edit this chapter. And take away one of Yaxley's groomsmen- sorry, Nott Sr.! :P
Thank you so much for another really thoughtful and lovely review, I really appreciate it and am very happy that you're enjoying the story!! :) Report Review
Hi! Review Tag!
As first chapters go, this is pretty good! I think you did a good job of introducing the group of characters, though I personally would have preferred it having been drawn out a little longer, over more chapters. Although, since they're all obviously going to see each other on the Express there's no way to do that xD I'm looking forward to learning more about them over the coming chapters.
So these characters are a couple of years younger than Harry/Draco etc? Interesting. Also, is she Astoria Greengrass? I didn't cotton onto that until seeing that her sisters' name is Daphne, cause I thought that her surname was Yaxley xD Good twisteroony. Interesting about how much she detests Draco, considering that she will marry him eventually.
I've never seen Legilimency used in a story before! I think it's a really useful skill for a character to have, and an interesting new format to introduce.
I also like the whole evil-ness of the characters. They're very definetely Slytherin, and I like how those views are just a part of them, not something alien.
Overall, great job! :)Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you thought it was alright as a first chapter, I'm pretty insecure about these early ones! :) Hmm, I do agree, it might have been throwing too many characters into the pot at once.
Yes, the characters are two years younger. I played around with the family dynamics a little: their father is Yaxley but they go by their mother's last name at school, which is explained a little better in later chapters. I wanted to give Astoria a different identity than being Draco's wife, and really wanted her to have Yaxley as a father because he's a very interesting character! :)
I'm glad you liked the use of Legilimency! I thought it was an interesting skill as well, and have enjoyed playing around with it.
Thank you for this great review!! :D Report Review
You really don't need to be worried about these chapters not having much action in them because I've found them all compelling and I'm never bored - I just want to read on. I think you're developing the characters and the plot well, and sometimes that works a lot better than throwing the reader right into the action (which you kind of did in the prologue anyway).
Tor's sorting was really interesting! The idea of the hat warning her about how her choice might affect her future is very intriguing - that hat seems to be all-knowing. I know she was worried about being put into Hufflepuff but from the qualities the hat saw in her, I could actually see her going into Gryffindor. I wonder how the introduction of the mysterious muggle-born from the prologue is going to change her.
I really enjoy the tie-ins with the books that you keep including in this story, such as Draco miming passing out and the references to the past year with Umbridge.
Another thing I enjoyed in this chapter was the insight we got into the other Slytherins. You've managed to make them all very vivid characters, even those you've only described in a few lines. I know we're seeing them all through Tor's eyes, but quite a few of them seem horrible - Grizelda and Demetria especially! I liked the idea of Goyle having a sister and her looking the same as him from the back. I also think this was the most I've ever seen Goyle talk in any story!
I don't really blame Tor for finding the name of the organisation funny - I wouldn't be able to stop laughing! But I like the idea of the organisation of Slytherin students to support Voldemort. You got the characterisation there exactly right, especially with Malfoy and the way he sees himself above all the others there, even though they're all inherently superior to the majority of the students in the school.
And also, thank you so much for explaining how they know about the Room of Requirement! There are so many stories that imply everyone knows about it without any explanation about how, so I was happy to see it here! The detail about the portraits of Death Eaters on the walls was very effective, too.
Tor definitely has a bit of a crush on Theo, but I think that maybe she was reading more into the hand-holding at the end that was actually there? He probably sees her as a younger sister - and anyway, she's got the mysterious muggle-born to meet!
Another great chapter, and I look forward reading the next one!
Sian :)Author's Response: Hello!
Awesome, I'm really glad to know that they're not too passive of chapters! It's good to hear you think the characters are developing well and at a good pace.
I liked writing her sorting- it's such a pivotal moment in every Hogwarts student's life! I think she would be a good Gryffindor as well, though she of course wanted Slytherin. The fact that these kids almost choose their houses showed for me how much they base their identities and self-worth around the house.
I'm glad you liked the references to the books! :) It's fun to play around with canon and imagine what was going on with other characters at the time of these events.
I love writing the Slytherins! Some of them are so nasty, and I've had to remind myself to give them some good qualities as well. Goyle's sister in particular plays a bigger role in the future chapters, and she's actually become part of my headcanon! And yes, Goyle does get a bit of time in the spotlight.
Yay, I'm glad you liked the idea of the secret organization as well (and the name!). Malfoy is definitely still at that point where he's arrogant and sees himself as better than the others, even though he's not much of a leader.
Thank you for another lovely review, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story! :)
This chapter was great, of course! I am so confused about Theo. Usually, I have a lot of theories about what's going on, but in his case I really don't know. Well, I'm eager to find out more about him! At first, it seemed like he was just taken away by the way Tor looked, but he doesn't seem to be into her, so I don't know what it can be.
I'm a bit surprised that Tor barely noticed Harry at the party. As for Ginny, she's just such a great person, isn't she? Instead of getting angry etc, she wants to help Tor (of course, she might not be aware of the fact that it's Tor's dad who's planning the attack). I don't know whose name she gave her. My first thought was Sirius, but then I remembered that he's dead :( and that Tor would have recognized his name. So I don't know, I'll have to wait and see I guess! You're really good at making me want to read more!
Oh Tor, why do you want to make Terry jealous? It's not like he's blowing her off to be with other girls, it's just the fact that they can't be seen together! They acted a bit risky in this chapter, didn't they? I assume Terry is not thrilled that Theo was the one she used to make him jealous, given what he said to her about him in the last chapter. And then Theo blurts out something about how pretty Tor is. So maybe he does have a crush on her? Well, I'm VERY eager for the next chapter, so please update as soon as possible :) I love this story!!!Author's Response: Hi! Good, Theo should be confusing at the moment. He's going through a lot and is kind of falling off the rails a little, even if Tor hasn't completely realized it yet.
Haha, I think Tor was a little pre-occupied with Terry to notice Harry! :P I know, Ginny is so nice! I think she likes and understands Tor, and they've formed a sort of unacknowledged friendship. And hmm, Sirius IS a good guess, not too far off! :) That was just my attempt at a "cliff hanger," haha.
They did act pretty risky, and *spoiler alert* all this recklessness is bound to catch up with them at some point! :P I'm not sure if they want to make each other jealous, per say, but especially Tor is still pretty young and having a secret relationship is getting harder for her. And when the boy she's had a crush on for years finally starts noticing her, well... it's just a bit messy all around! :)
Next chapter is in the queue, and despite being a bit scrambled it's another long one! :) Thank you again for this wonderful review!!! :D
Bb Here with your review...
I love it! I really love Tor's characterization of Daphne in this chapter, as she seems to me to be the oppisette. She already seems to be growing in this chapter from the last one. I have nothing but praise to give you. Can't wait for teh next Chapter! I am adding this to my favorites.Author's Response: Hello again! I'm glad that you liked the descriptions of Daphne, and that you think Tor is already developing. It makes me so happy that you're enjoying this story!! Thank you for the lovely review! :) Report Review
I had your story on my to do list already. Unfortunately I hadn't gotten around to it. But luckily, my requests always go before other reading, so here I am at last. There does seem to be a lack of spaces here...but that's such a minor thing in a good chapter, just thought I'd mention it.
I love how they sounded so confident with their thoughts of the next generation. It's realistic, I think, at that age you think you can change the world once you are done with school. You feel you can do better than your parents. And then you grow up and realise nothing happens without sacrifice.
I like how her father came to warn them about what happens when you anger the dark lord. It sets the tone again. It reminds you that in fact her family is quite dark. And the fear those girls have is realistic as well. What teenager wouldn't be scared. Especially if you saw your father as this strong persona and then she him beaten down.
I'm not sure her friend knows, since she is having a lot of thoughts but does not speak them... Yet Amaris doesn't seem to mind that darker side of life. I feel like Tor is more conflicted about her place in the world. Although she still tries to be all dark and confident about her place in the war.
She has a nice set of friends there. I like how you used known and unknown names together. And that you made Tor younger than Harry and Draco. It gives you more freedom in the story I think, because we know next to nothing of that year. And you still keep track of all that has happened in the books. Showing how the death-eater families were left to wonder or grief as their loved ones would or would not return.
You give the dark side a human voice with this story and I like it. They aren't mere monsters. There are human, with families and lives before the war. And a sinister view on life of course.
And Yaxley is her father? I like that, it makes it easier to see how they would have been raised and how they view Voldemort.
I am very curious to the road she will take. This chapter only made me more intrigued. Having her as a narrator works well.
Another good chapter :D
Two typo's: When you speak of the picture Amaris took with Umbridge: "flanked my Amaris." I think that should read 'by'.
And near the end the carriage move into the light - moves.Author's Response: Hello! Great to see you back!
I definitely agree with how the kids think of themselves. They want power, but don't really understand what power means and what must be given up in order to achieve it. The characters are very strong but very naive at the same time, at least that's how I wanted them to come across.
It's good to hear that you liked the flashback about her father's warning, and noticed how frightening it was for them to see their strong father acting human and defeated. It's definitely a hard thing for Astoria and Daphne as well since they really idolize their father and want to be like him.
Yes, Tor is definitely conflicted! In these early chapters she is putting up a certain front and hiding her fear, whereas Amaris is a little more removed and sees the excitement in things.
I'm glad that you like her friend group so far, and hopefully it wasn't too confusing with all the new characters! I tried to do my best and fit them into the wizarding world as we know it. And yes, it definitely gives me more freedom! I'm going to try and fit the story into canon as smoothly as possible. :)
Also, I'm glad that you liked Yaxley as her father, and the darkness and humanity that kind of intersect in the story. It's very fun to write about!
I'll be going back and fixing those typos and the spacing. Thank you!! :) And thank you for this thoughtful and helpful review!! :D Report Review
Hi! Review Tag!
I have a thing about prologues- they really need to make you want to read on. This certainly does that!
You begin with these characters fully developed, not just empty shells you plan to add more to as you go on. I get the feeling you really know these characters deeply already, which indicates great things for the rest of the story :)
I love the technique you used to describe the Death Eaters; as people she admired and who treated her well as a child, but who we must realise are deadly people, people we shouldn't trust.
It gives the feeling like this is going to be a story with lots of twists and turns (the best kind, in other words xD).
The two main characters must definetely have a history, it's as plain as the words on the screen :) They have chemistry without even speaking!
Brilliant start!Author's Response: Hello! :)
I definitely agree about prologues, and the need to draw the reader in. I got the idea for the prologue before I even thought of the characters or the story, and it was very fun to write.
It's wonderful that you think the characters already seem developed even from these few words. I definitely do know them very well: they kind of write themselves and sprang into my head fully formed.
That's exactly how I wanted the Death Eaters to come across: as familiar and loved, but dangerous and ruthless as well. It's so good to hear that they came across like that. And yes, there are many twists and surprises coming up! :)
Thank you so much for this lovely review!! :D Report Review
I'm technically here for the review tag, but I would have been reviewing this anyway at some point. And this review would have arrived a lot earlier, if the page hadn't decided to refresh itself after I'd written the whole thing out, so here we go again...
This chapter is a good continuation from the last one as far as characterisation and plot development are concerned. You've also included lots of snippets that have made me very intrigued about future chapters, so you can guarantee (as if I hadn't already planned on it) that I'll be reading on.
I think you've managed to find exactly the right balance with Astoria's character here. It's refreshing to find a story that gives her a character outside of that as Draco's wife or romantic interest. With the simplest details, such as the nickname that you've given her, Tor has her own individual identity and has a strong personality and voice. There's the evident teenage girl qualities to her character, which make her seem normal and believable, but she also possesses some of the more unpleasant Slytherin qualities, which I would imagine are unavoidable with her upbringing.
I enjoyed your descriptions in this chapter as well, especially that of Daphne. I could see her very vividly in my mind, and Tor's disdain for her is realistic, since she knows the real person rather than admiring or fearing her. There's definitely some sibling rivalry going on there! I also liked Selby, and it was nice to see Pyxis treating him nicely rather than the way most pureblood families seem to treat their house elves - it actually reminded me of Regulus with Kreacher.
The Muggle 'substance' really amused me. I liked the way that the friends were using the name 'You-Know-Who' instead of 'The Dark Lord' and joking around about him rather than treating the subject with the reverence we saw in the last chapter - a clear sign they were under the influence of something! I couldn't help laughing at the idea of Voldemort wielding a Beater's bat and flapping around a quidditch pitch! The only suggestion I'd make for this is that perhaps Tor would have been more sceptical or disdainful of a muggle drug than she seems to be here, because she and the others have been brought up to treat muggles as animals. I think a line or two wondering what they were doing stooping so low before she decides to try it would fit with her character and the other Slytherins a bit better. The trick on the Hufflepuffs was pretty funny, though!
I'm curious about this idea of a Death Eaters' kids group! The way that Tor is so casual about the fact she's meeting up with the children of notorious killers is great - to someone who had been brought up to it, such a thing would have seemed completely normal. It strikes me as an antithesis to the DA.
Your portrayal of Slughorn was entertaining. The physical description reminded me of what we know from the books, as did his behaviour towards the students. I wonder if he'd have been as favourable to Tor if her surname had been Yaxley?
Just a few mistakes I picked up on:
"Soon, they're too deep. Its too late." -- It's too late
"I guess I've always been a meticulate worker" -- I think you mean meticulous (I don't think meticulate is a word!)
I'm really enjoying this story; Tor has a strong voice and your writing is compelling. I'll look forward to the next chapter!
Sian :)Author's Response: Hi!!! Great to see you back on this story!! And I am so sorry to hear the page refreshed on you, that is SO frustrating!!! Well, thank you for re-typing it, and such a lovely and detailed review as well! :D
I'm glad to hear you like the story so far, and that this chapter was a good continuation from the last!! Setting up a story and keeping the plot fresh has actually been quite tricky, but I'm happy that you're liking it and are intrigued about upcoming events!
I'm so happy that you like Tor as a character! I agree, she's often portrayed as being a nicer counter-part to Draco and a rather flat character, and I've tried to make her more dynamic and individual in this story. She's very fun to write! :) It's good to hear that she comes across as being a normal teen - she is still only fourteen, after all - and having those sometimes cruel qualities that are expected in Slytherins. Having her character develop and change over the chapters has been one of the most challenging and rewarding bits of writing this! :)
Ah, I'm glad you enjoyed the bit with the... substance. Again, in a lot of ways I see them as being just normal teens who like experimenting and breaking the rules. I thought Voldy on a broom to be such a funny image! Guess he's more of the fly-without-a-broom type of guy. I think that the idea of Voldy isn't quite a concrete thing to these kids either: they just see their parents being proud and powerful and try to replicate it.
That's such a good point about reacting to a Muggle substance! I'll definitely try to work something in to show Tor's disdain for Muggles when I go back and edit this. :)
Haha, it's a lot like the opposite of the DA! I imagined the Slytherins, a lot of whom would have been on the Inquisitorial Squad, as being secretly admiring that they didn't think of that idea first.
Haha, uh oh have I been making up words again! It's a strange habit :P Thank you for pointing those out! :)
Thank you so much for this awesome review!!! :D Report Review
As a first chapter, this provides quite a contrast to the prologue of the story. By the dates, I'm guessing that we're going back in time from the event we first witnessed and we're going to see Astoria's journey to that point.
You're right that there isn't as much action in this chapter, but I don't think that detracts at all because it emphasises the differences between the future Tor and the present Tor even more. At this point she seems to be an average teenage girl and I'm intrigued to see what happens to cause such drastic change in her character and her life.
You built Tor's character really well here. As a narrator she has a definite, consistent voice which is still recognisable as the person narrating the prologue. The details about her friends, the way that she used to sneak down to the common room to talk to the boys, and the slight crush she seems to have on Theo all add to the impression that she's an ordinary teenager. She must be an extremely talented and intelligent witch, though, if she's already able to perform Occlumency and Leglimency!
One thing I loved was the reverence with which Voldemort's name was spoken and even thought of by the young Slytherins. I really get the impression that they have been brought up to respect Voldemort as a sort of god - the way Tor thinks of him as 'He' is a very clever detail.
So, Yaxley is Astoria's father? I haven't seen that done before but it would make sense with her upbringing which has evidently encouraged pureblood supremacy and maybe dark magic. Does this mean that Tor and Daphne use their mother's surname?
I enjoyed Draco's appearance at the end of this chapter. It's quite amusing to think that the pair ended up married when she has an obvious distaste for him at times. It really highlights how much they both will change in the future.
I think it might improve your presentation if you add spacing between your paragraphs, but other than that I enjoyed it, and I look forward to the rest of the story!
Sian :)Author's Response: Hola! Yes, you are spot-on, it pretty much jumps a year and a half back in time! I'm so glad you compared it to a journey and pointed out the contrasts in Astoria's character between the prologue and this chapter.
I'm glad that you like Astoria as a narrator and a character so far! She's really fun to write, and I think she's developed along with my writing style through the course of the story. And you're right, she is just an ordinary girl who happens to have been raised with certain beliefs and been brainwashed, for lack of a better word, into thinking a certain way.
Ah yes, self-control of her mind is her natural talent, I suppose. It's more that she's just naturally really perceptive and can control her own thoughts well. Otherwise, she's pretty average, and I think that Occlumency would be beyond her at least for a few years. :P
Good to hear that their reverence of Voldy is coming across! That's exactly right, for them he's a sort of ideal and leader, even though most of them will have never encountered him or really know what it means to be a Death Eater. It's been really exciting playing around with this idea in the story! :)
Yeah, I switched their family situation around a little. The idea is that Yaxley is their dad, but they go by their mother's name to kind of fly under the radar and in case Yaxley ever gets exposed as a DE. It's a little confusing, I just loved the idea of Yaxley and thought he'd make an interesting dad for Tor, but I'm planning on going back to these early chapters and making it a bit clearer.
Haha, yay I'm glad you liked Draco's appearance! He's still in his arrogant ferret phase so really fun to write.
Ah, I'll definitely have to go back and fix the spacing! It really does not want to cooperate!! :P
Thank you for such a thoughtful and helpful review, I really appreciate it!!! :D Report Review
Hey. . . . .Siriusly89 here with your review that took me eleven whole days to get to and I am so, so, so sorry about that I actually donít even have a legitimate excuse apart from sheer forgetfulness! I am so sorry!
Oooh! Voldemortís point of view. I love the banter between him and Snape, especially when Snape mentions helping Draco. Thatís the exact way Voldemort would have reacted in my mind anyway.
Poor Tori! Griz not aiming at her is about as truthful as the notion that Voldemort is nothing but a big softie on the inside, which is to say that itís nothing but a big pack of lies! Lies I say!
I love it, Terry walks in while Toriís having a mini meltdown. The causal way he approached her was so cute. Gah!
Iím very interested in this plan now! Please tell me they carry it out in this chapter, because itís really bugging me as to what it is!
Toriís inner battle on whether she should be talking to Terry or not is very interesting. Its sort of sad that she views him at the Ďenemyí when really, all he is, is a friendly boy who has taken an interest in her.
I really like Toriís innocence. Her father is her hero, and all she wants to do is be like him when she grows up, pretty much like any child since the beginning of time. Nearly every childís first role-model is their parents. Except, Toriís father isnít a good person to aspire to be, is he? I mean, Tori doesnít seem like Death-Eater material to me, she just seems too innocent, but then again, she probably doesnít realise the full extent of what Death-Eaters do, does she?
Oh! For the first time, Tori sort of realises that some of the pranks the Slytherins pull mightnít be that funny! Interesting!
Another wonderfully wonderful chapter!
Re-request ;)Author's Response: Hola! Thank you for another greatly enjoyable review! :)
I'm happy you liked the beginning with Voldy- I wanted to switch the narrative up a bit, and who better to cameo than You-Know-Who and his favourite follower!
Haha, yeah that Griz is a nasty one, but at least she has mean aim with that Beater's bat! :P
Aw, I'm glad you like Terry and Tor's banter!! I think they're cute, too. But yes, many more conflicted feelings coming up in future chapters! Ahh, and they kind of forget about the revenge plan, but it has since been published and is worth waiting for!!! (or at least I like to think so!)
I'm glad that you think she comes across as innocent, because that's exactly how she is: naive, and stuck in idolizing her Dad without realizing the true implications. She's just detached from the violence of it all, and can only see the glory. But yes, she's starting to see things in a new light!
Thank you so much for the lovely review!! Of course I would love to re-request! :D Report Review
I am absolutely in love with this story! It is so interesting watching Tor try to break out of the fascist ways of the pure-blood society! Also I am very eager to see the outcome of Tor and Terry's relationship. It seems as though it could venture down many paths and change within the blink of an eye. The way that you portray Tor also is very interesting. The way she conforms to her society's ways, but still has an obvious (at least to the reader...and possibly Terry) longing to abandon those ideals and accept the Muggle race. I hope that you update soon and will wait until you do! This is a great piece of writing and I can't wait to see where the rest of Tor's journey is going to take her, along with the people she is going to lose on her way to becoming an individual that she can be proud of.Author's Response: Hello there! I'm so excited to hear that you like the story!! I really love writing it and Tor's development, as well as her relationship with Terry, and you are certainly right about how unpredictable and dangerous it is.
It's so great to hear you like Tor's portrayal and her duplicity, even in her own mind, and that her doubts are coming across in the story.
I promise I will be updating very soon! I have tons written for this story and the next chapter should be up within the week. Hopefully you like it, it's one of my personal favourites so far! :)
Thank you very much for this lovely review, I really loved reading it and how much you're engaging with the story!! :D Report Review
I really, really am enjoying this. It is written really well. I don't feel like this was a filler chapter at all. the characterzation of Tor is as I would imagine her to be, Proud, yet not too arogant, suspisious but not afraid, and a follower not a leader. This is great work.Author's Response: Hi! Lovely to see you back! I'm really happy that you're enjoying the story and liked this chapter, it's very reassuring to me! :) It's also lovely to hear that Tor's personality is coming across well, and how you described her is exactly how she starts out! She does develop a lot throughout the story, which is one of the best things about writing a story of this length.
Thank you so much for this great review! :) Report Review
hi I like the idea of a forbidden love it is just the story I have been looking for maybe you could put in some harry that would be super awesome and what year will this story end next or this?Author's Response: Hello! I'm very happy to hear you're liking the story. Hmm, so far Harry and Tor's paths haven't really crossed, but we'll have to see! :) Currently, I'm thinking the story will end midway through the next year (Tor's 5th year, Harry etc.'s would-be 7th year). Probably around the events of the Prologue of this story.
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing, and you have an excellent name there! :) Report Review
Here for your review swap! I'll review as I read :)
Having already read your other writing I already know that I'm going to end up loving this and will probably end up reading the whole story so expect more than one review haha!
The first few paragraphs really pulled me in, you have a real talent for setting the scene and mood in a story. Even though no characters are named straight away, I'm already scared for them!
I really liked the juxtaposition of the mood in the room and the happy childhood memories, it works really effectively to intensify the dark mood.
This is a brilliant prologue, it absolutely draws the reader in, in just a few paragraphs. I'll definitely read on!!
As always, amazing job!Author's Response: Hi! I'm really glad you liked the prologue and are interested in continuing to read- hopefully you like it and keep reading! :D
I'm really happy that you thought the characterization was effective and the mood was tense. The contrast between the DEs' evilness and the childhood, familial bonds are a big theme in the story so it's wonderful to hear that they came across in the space of a few short words.
Thank you so much for a lovely review, I really appreciate it!!! :) Report Review
Oooh this was really chilling!
I love how you plunged the reader straight into the story. A trap I often fall into is over-explaining everything, so it was great to read a story where you just get to work everything out for yourself, and I could just picture the scene, even without you having to explain every little detail.
The tension was also portrayed beautifully in this, and I'm dying to find out more about Astoria and the boy, and the other Death Eaters...! Using the present tense for this is a great touch, because it feels so immediate and so really- I can definitely sympathise with your main character.
Another thing I loved was the contrast between the violence and the close-knit, almost familial sense of the Death Eaters and Astoria. Like how Nott uses a nickname for her, but is ready to kill this boy who is about the same age as her... it's all very sinister!
Something I would recommend sorting out is your spacing- there are quite big gaps between your paragraphs which makes it feel a bit disjointed and kind of interrupts the flow- just something to think about.
And the ending was great! You raise so many intriguing questions, which I'm desperate to discover answers to! I can see this turning into a brilliantly dramatic story! :)
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi! I'm glad you liked the action of this chapter, your feedback is really great to hear! It's great that you felt the tension and are curious to read more! I've found that writing in first person seems to always come out in present tense for some reason, so I'm glad to hear that it works for the story and adds to the immediacy of the chapter! :)
I'm so glad you liked the contrast between the dark DEs and their connections with each other, it's a huge theme throughout my whole story so great to hear it came across well in this introduction!
Ahh, the spacing on this chapter just refuses to cooperate! :( I shall be trying again to fix it soon, though.
Thank you so much for this lovely review!!! :) Report Review
Congratulation on the milestone! 20 chapters, that's a lot! (And 20 fantastic chapters too, by the way.)
I'm really worried about Ginny! I think that the attack against the Burrow will fail somehow, as nothing like that happens in the book, but I can't be sure. And I don't want anything to happen to the Weasleys. I'm also a bit worried about Tor. Maybe she'll interfere somehow to stop her father from hurting Ginny's family. God only knows what they'll do to her after that.
The Anne Boleyn part was great! I had to google her, because I couldn't remember who she was, but now I get it! It was a really interesting story, and my guess is that it has some symbolic value for the story. Dying for power? The mistake of not sticking to those of your kind, i.e. witches and wizards? I don't know. Time will tell. It was an interesting story nonetheless. I don't know how you come up with everything! It's brilliant, it really is :)
I really like Theo, he's such a wonderful character. However, I think he's behaviour is a bit strange in this chapter. It seems like he was flattering Tor a bit too much. He REALLY wanted her to come, right? I get that he needed support, but it's a little suspicious, because I feel like he overdid it. "I can't face it without you there..." "I need you..." I don't know. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing everything. But it makes me want to keep reading straight away. (I have so much to look forward to now: The attack against the Weasleys, visiting Azkaban, and the ball at Malfoy Manor! Is Christmas far away? Please tell me it's not!!) I also wonder what will go down at the Slug Club party. Perhaps we'll find out more about Theo and what he's really up to.
Terry is so sweet! Man, I just want him and Tor to elope and get away from all the drama (although I also want Tor to end up with Malfoy, so that's a bit paradoxical). I love that Tor isn't being a typical fan fiction girl who finds it SO cute when her boyfriend is jealous (because honestly, jealousy is mostly just very annoying). That only makes me like her more!
I do hope you'll update quickly (sorry, but I'm getting used to these quick updates!), and I think you already know how much I look forward to the next chapter. Thank you for being such an amazing author and for sharing your fantastic work on this site! :)Author's Response: Hi! In response to your response to my review on your story (haha that was way too complicated), I think of you as being a really lovely and awesome person too!! :D And yes, it is a bit strange to think, haha.
Thank you so much!! I'm really happy to have had 20 chapters, and I really feel like my writing and this story has improved over them.
Aw, I'm glad you're thinking about Ginny! Of course I can't give anything away, but yes as you know I do like sticking to canon as much as possible, so we'll see.
I'm glad you liked the Anne Boleyn part! I had added her in at the beginning of the story on a whim, and liked the idea of tying in some of my favourite stories from British history! So I'm glad it didn't see too out of the blue, and yes it's supposed to have some symbolic meaning and someone to kind of antagonize Tor. A really fun thing is thinking about how wizarding context would tie into real history, haha!
Ohh yes, Theo is getting strange. I feel like the more I write him, the more I see how selfish of a person he is even though he hides it well. He's got a bit of manipulation, and at least Tor is seeing through it at least a bit. Keep overanalyzing everything please, I love hearing your ideas!! :) And they actually help me with the future chapters, in fact something you said in this review gave me an idea!
Christmas is really soon! I think it's two more chapters and then they go home at the end of the second, at least that's how I currently have it written. Then Christmas will just be packed with drama, I'm really loving writing it! :)
Hehe, I'm updating Resistance for the next two chapters, and then focusing on this story again! I actually have so much written, it's just a matter of fine-tuning it. Hopefully you'll enjoy it!!! :D Thank you for this awesome review and for being such an amazing reader and reviewer, I absolutely love your reviews and they are both helpful and encouraging!!! :) Report Review
This is really Good. It captivates and draws me in and it is really easy for my fnger to creep to the muse to click next! Great work. It stands as a great introduction to the story, and serves the purpouse of a prolouge. Can't wait to get another request.Author's Response: Hello! I'm really glad you liked the prologue and that is works as an introduction to the story. That's great to hear, and I'm excited to know what you think of the next few chapters and how they continue the story. Thank you for a lovely review! :) Report Review
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