I thought the story was sweet and I liked your unique characterizations of Scorpius and Rose. I think it might be because Rose was sort of 'logical' and 'Ravenclaw-esque' but I feel like I was missing a more emotional component. I didn't 100% believe she was totally in love with Scorpius enough to break it off, you know? But it was very well written and I look forward to reading other things by you!Author's Response: Hey there! I'm glad that you liked their characterisations as it was a lot of fun to write. I wrote this a while ago, and looking back on it I realised the same thing, I'll get round to fixing it one day :) I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and I would love to hear what you make other my other things! Report Review
RAVENCLAW REVIEW BATTLE!
I'll just come right out and say it, I love Dom, she's my favourite so far. I love how blunt she is and my favourite line by her was "Rose, if you seriously think Iím that much of a pushover, youíre getting me confused with Albus."
That part had me laughing so much.
I'm going to give Rose the same advice that my shop teacher gave me "if there's doubt then don't do it, stop and ask for help. There is no such thing as doubt."
That advice is applied more to using the death machines that are in woodshop than in real life but I think that that advice can be applied to just about anything.
Albus was pretty funny as well going into hysterics and such. It sounds like something my best friend or I would pull at each other's wedding, begin to freak out and imagine the worst case scenarios.
Just a couple of CC's, you've got a couple of grammar errors in the chapter that I would suggest fixing and I would also suggest watching out so that you don't slip up in verb tense. Other than that awesome job!Author's Response: Hey there!
Haha I loved Dom she was just so much fun to write, and I almost want to go back and write more now that you've reminded me of how much fun she is :D
Your shop teacher sounds like a pretty wise guy! She does sort herself out in the end, she's just in the self-doubting stage at the moment!
Wub I loved Albus too, I thought it would be fun to make the guy go into hysterics instead of it always be the girl so I'm glad that you liked it!
Ooh thanks for pointing that out, and I'll go back and review it! Thanks for the great review, it made me laugh!
-Kiana Report Review
Aww, such a happy ending! I love happy endings!
"Now I was just going to have to tell my parents that I had broken off another engagement, and that I was back with Scorpius. Hopefully they wouldn't take it too badly."
That line makes me laugh so much. So they were probably devastated when the first marriage was off, and then they were like, "She's finally getting married again!" and then she breaks that one off. I almost feel sorry for Hermione.
Ha ha ha. This is great, and thanks for lifting my mood!Author's Response: Eek! You actually came, I didn't think you actually would but I'm so glad that I brightened your mood :D
I was tempted not to do a happy ending, but then I realised I was sucker for them so I had to have one!
I'm so glad that you liked that last line as I really loved it too! I'm sure Hermione won't mind too much, as she probably just wants her to be happy!
Thank you for reviewing, and I'm so glad it cheered you up!
-Kiana Report Review
Hey! Here for review tag!
Well, I am glad I got a chance to catch you on tag and catch up with this story. I liked how you unfolded the events slowly in this chapter. The first memory had me surprised and wondering what went wrong then, and when we found out it was so sad. Somehow I CAN believe Rose to be very serious about her career to give up on her love, even though it is an awful thing to do. Yet it was sad how they broke up over it, they could have talked things out and such.
The "Romeo-Juliet" reference (if I can call it that) was spot on too, and I liked how Rose felt that they really weren't the ideal lovers everyone felt they should be.
Anyway, this was a great chapter. We learnt a lot, and in an interesting manner. Your descriptions were really good too and the emotions came through well. I can really sympathise with Rose and yet feel frustrated at her at the same time, which is a good thing, as I am connecting with your MC.
All in all, good job!
I hope I'll be back for the next chapter soon!
AD (AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hey there Aditi!
I'm glad that you want to catch up on this story, and I always look forward to what you have to say about my work :D Yes, that memory probably provoked the same feeling in me when writing it, but I figured that it would need to be something shocking to cause that jilt between the two. I'm glad that you could believe it, as that's probably the thing I was most unsure of.
You can call it, and I'm so glad that you liked it! I'm really glad that you enjoyed it and the descriptions were good as I struggle with those. Yay I'm provoking emotion from you, even if it is a negative one :P
Thank you for this great review, and I can't wait to see what you think of the next chapter!
-Kiana Report Review
I spotted a couple of grammatical errors while reading this but otherwise it flowed really well. Wow though, I did not expect that to happen between Rose and Scorpius. Scorpius just went completely crazy! I mean really, moving to Switzerland!
And I've heard that they speak English in Switzerland nowadays and all you'd need to know would be the names of the shops. I'm assuming that my friend was right about this, he usually knows a lot of random trivia.
I was with Rose on her reaction. I'm pretty sure that we would've had the same expression on our faces. I could just imagine her in my head with this look saying "I am not amused. Are you insane?"
Anyway, great job!Author's Response: Hello! I'm aware of the errors, and I had litreally just edited it before you posted this review, so the (hopefully!) grammar error free version should be up soonish! Hahaha yeah I wanted to make Scorpius do something really rash, as otherwise they're break up wouldn't have been as convincing.
Yeah he might be, but I think Rose wasn't thinking that practically in that situation and was just having a major freak out!
I think most people would be with Rose on this one, her careers important to her, so it made sense for her to act the way she did!
I'm glad that you liked it,
-Kiana :D Report Review
Hello! I'm here from the Ravenclaw Review Battle :)
What an intriguing beginning! I loved the way you didn't explain everything straight off at the start of the chapter. It kept me guessing as to what decision Rose had taken, and definitely made me want to read on!
Rose is a great narrator. It can't have been easy to combine her chatty, slightly humourous voice with the gravity of her situation, but it worked really well. As a character, I like her already!
Your grammar was pretty good- there were a couple of slips I noticed: where you spelled Lily's name as Lilly, just the once, and put practically where I think you might have meant practical. In the last paragraph there were a few inconsistencies with tense as well, but overall it wasn't a problem.
I was slightly sceptical about the flashbacks, but they actually worked really well! The second one I thought was particularly well written (I love best friends fall in love stories :P) and the conversation between Rose and Scorpius seemed very realistic- just how two people might talk in that situation. I liked how it wasn't all polished and perfect for them, but so romantic nonetheless.
I thought this was a great start to a story! You've done an excellent job of engaging the reader, and if you hadn't mentioned that next gen was out of your comfort zone, I wouldn't have guessed! :)Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked the beginning, as I always love using suspense so yay for that! I can't believe how great it is to hear that you think Rose is a great narrartor, I think that's always the think I'm paranoid about the most, so I'm so glad to hear that you liked her!
I know there's some grammar issues with this story, as I was trying to get it finished for a challenge, so thank you for giving me the reminder to go back and edit it, I'll do it just after I finish this response.
I was sceptical about the flashbacks too, as I'm not always a huge fan of them, but the response to them here have been pretty positive so that's great! I'm glad that you didn't think it was perfect, as they're not perfect in my opinion and I wanted to reflect that here.
I'm glad that my lack of experience of next gen didn't show, and thank you for this great review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
Aww good ending... although I do feel awful for Xander :( The part where she kissed him and didn't feel any spark, it really reminded me of the Princess Diaries. If Rose won't have him, I'll take him! He's such a sweetheart.
Well done on the story all together, you're a very talented writer. I cant wait for the Scorose separate, I love a bit of action/mystery :DAuthor's Response: I'm glad that you liked the ending, and I felt bad for Xander too! You can have him if you want, as he is a sweetheart! The first chapter of it should be up in 2-3 weeks :D Thanks for the review,
-Kiana ;D Report Review
Good ending, I enjoyed reading your story alot. I'm just glad she is back where she belongs.
I do wish you would have put up a first chapter for the new story already. I could have been one of the first to pop it into my favorites. Hope we meet again soon :)Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked the ending, as I was worried about it! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it, and I always looked forward to your reviews! The first chapter of it should be up in 2-3 weeks :D I hope to see you again:D Report Review
Aww, this just gets sadder and sadder! Poor Rose, why did Scorpius have to want to leave? I love the bit at the end though, the bit comparing them to Romeo and Juliet because it's just so true and what I would consider canon with Draco and Ron because I doubt they'd never talk again!
Well they're great at hiding stuff :P I hope he's turned up to crash the wedding, as awful as that sounds I mean it in the nicest way possiable! All romantic and the fairytale that you described, just with Scropios instead of Xander!
Another great chapter, off to read the next one! :)Author's Response: Haha I know it gets sadder, and I guess Scorpius was just suffering from PTSD. I'm glad that you liked the comparison, and I agree they probably would talk again.
Haha he does crash the wedding, but I'm not saying anymore :P
Thanks for the review and I hope you enjoy the next!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Aw, poor Rose! That argument doesn't sound like much fun, and as much as I hope the answer will be that everything is fine, somehow I don't think it is! I hope she does get back with scorpious, or at the very least, she tells someone what she's thinking! I also feel a little sorry Xander, she's marrying him even though she's in love with his best friend, well I think she is anyway.
I love the idea of Albus, Dom and Rose being like the next Golden Trio, it creates a nice image and I can just imagine them at Hogwarts together!
This is a nice chapter, I love the scene of Scorpious meeting Ron and Hermione! :)Author's Response: Yes Rose doesn't have a great time in this chapter! As for whether everything's going to be alright you'll find out in the next chapter, as I'll ruin it if I say it now :P And the same goes for Xander but you find out in the last chapter!
I liked that image too, and I thought it would tie in with the next gen theme!
Thanks for the review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
Hey there, here to review the first chapter for my challenge! :)
This is an interesting first chapter! I loved the flasback, they didn't feel forced into the piece and it was a nice way to see what happened between Rose and Scorpios, how they came together anyway!
This is a great start, I love the idea that's she having doubts and the wedding is in like an hour! I also love the characterisation of Rose, I haven't read many stories were she's a quiet ravenclaw who doesn't really like Quidditch and it's a nice change!
Your prompt was Rose/Scorpious and you've did a perfect job with it. It's sweet, how they were together in school because they both felt like they didn't belong, it's nice!
Great story, can't wait to see what happens next and you've did a great job with the prompt! :)Author's Response: Hey Shaza!
I'm so glad that you loved the flashback, and that it fitted in, I think that was the thing I was more worried about!
Yeah I hadn't read many stories about Rose when she was like that either, so I thought it would be fun to mix it up a bit ;D
I'm glad that you thought the prompt worked well, and I can't wait to see what you think of the next few chapters!
Thanks for the review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
lauradracolover with your review, eventually :P
I think Rose needs to stop this wedding from happening because I get the feeling she is about to make a major mistake in her life. She is still in love with Scorpius and she needs to deal with this before she carries on with this.
I saw no CC's.
LauraAuthor's Response: Hi Laura, don't worry about how long it took!
Haha with the wedding you'll only find out in the last chapter! I'm glad that you found no CC's :D
Thanks for the review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
Heya! Sorry this review took so long. I have an unfairly small amount of free time at the moment. In fact, I should be in bed right now, or perhaps studying so if this review starts rambling on or making absolutely no sense, I apologize in advance.
First of all, I love the way you have characterized Rose, especially in this chapter. She is definitely a thinker, and seems to think through every little aspect of her life. She seems as though she doesn't like things to go unplanned...making her decision to marry Xander quite out of character. I think it's clear that she likes him, maybe even loves him...but I'm not sure whether she is in love with him. I really hope she works out her feelings...and quickly, too! I didn't think I was going to like Xander but after this chapter, I do (he seems like such a sweeties) and I don't want to see either him or Scorpius getting hurt.
Hehehehe, I really enjoyed the first flashback. Dom was great, getting completely intoxicated within an hour and then vomiting all over the doormat. Oh my goodness, I can just imagine Fleur's reaction! I also like all of Dom's interactions with Rose in this chapter. I think they balance each other out quite nicely. Rose is definitely more level-headed and Dom is more wild...but she can be very insightful and helpful and it's clear that all she is trying to do is look out for her cousin.
I really enjoyed reading all your comments about Victoire in this chapter. I could definitely see that she and Dom were sisters! And Rose's whole wedding had turned into a bit of disaster, hasn't it? I am super eager to see what is going to happen next!
Courtney:)Author's Response: It's fine, I understand what life can get like, I feel bad for keeping you up now!
I'm glad that you liked Rose's characterisation and that you picked up on her being a thinker, as she does like to analyse everything! Yes she does need to sort her feelings out, otherwise when she gets to the altar it will be awkward!
I didn't think I would like Xander when I was writing this either, and when I finished I was surprised that I did, so I'm glad that you do too! I don't want either of them to get hurt as well, but one will have to.
I'm glad that you that you enjoyed the first flashback, I can imagine that Fleur wouldn't be pleased at all. I guess the reason why Rose and Dom are such good friends, is like you said, they need each other to be normal!
I'm glad that you liked the little comments about Victoire, I enjoyed slipping them in! Yay you're excited, I hope it lives up to your expectations!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Tagging you from Review Tag!
You did a really good job of setting up your plot conflict here and making me want to keep reading. With the story being set on the cusp of Rose's wedding, I obviously want to know whether she goes through with it or not! Moreover, I was starting to feel a real connection to Rose and her situation. The way you wrote her inner monologue and the memories that she called upon made her very accessible and real.
I liked the way that you put some real variety into your characters, not cutting them all out of the traditional molds. Albus as a Gryffindor, Rose and Scorpius as Ravenclaws... definitely not what I'm used to seeing. The idea of Scorpius being fascinated with the muggles is a nice twist on his character, as well. I liked the gradual connection you developed between the two of them, starting from their shared sense of disaffection and moving right along to their fledgling romance.
The only thing that was holding me back a bit was the fact that you had a fair number of typos and grammatical problems scattered throughout the chapter. I'll try to point them all out, although it's possible that I missed some:
Dominique to, ended up in Gryffindor - too
So I went sat with the only other person who could understand - went and sat
It had ridiculously long train, to many layers, - a ridiculously long train, too many layers,
It was Lilly and Dom's fault that I was wearing. - It was Lily and Dom's fault that I was wearing it.
The dragged me to visit Dom's French cousin's shop in Paris - They dragged
Of course Iím sure, since when have I never been less than 100% certain in a decision I make. - I think the double-negative here is negating the point she's trying to make.
This was to his displeasure of his Father and Mother, Draco and Astoria Malfoy. - to the displeasure
When we had finally finished out star charts we sat on the edge of the tower, - finished our start charts
Sorry to harp on the typos so much, but the thing is, I think you're a good writer. So the typos really stand out in what would otherwise be a really pleasurable chapter to read. As it is, they kind of knocked me out of the flow when I came across them.
To sum it up, you have a really promising idea. I hope to get a chance to read more.Author's Response: Hello there!
I'm really glad that you liked the conflict of the plot, I had never written anything like this before, as I tend to shy with angsty-relationship problems. And of course I'm happy that you liked Rose and that you connected with her! As for finding about the wedding, that will be revealed in the last chapter ;)
I didn't want to do the whole love/hate scenario as I felt that was over done with Scorose, so I figured the only way they would end up together was if they were in the same house, and Ravenclaw seemed to fit both. As for Scorpius and his love for muggles, it seemed fitting, and I thought that if ever met Arthur they would get along really well.
This chapter is due to a very much needed edit, so I'll get round to it this weekend, and include the corrections you pointed out! Thank you for doing that by the way :)
Thank you for the review and it will be nice to know your opinion on the rest of the story :)
-Kiana :D Report Review
Poor Rosie, if it don't feel right,don't do it.Author's Response: Yes she is going through a rought time right now, but hopefully it will get better soon :') Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Yay for the Jane Austen reference! And I wholeheartedly agree -- her books are superb!
It was nice to see you not depict Rose as being very close with James. I think there is a tendency in next-gen to make all of the cousins be the best of friends. That's probably not very realistic, so that was a really nice touch.
Wow, I was so surprised by the end of the first memory! I thought it was going to show the two breaking up for good, but instead it just deepens the mystery of what happened to drive Rose and Scorpius apart. Clearly they have a lot of unfinished business to deal with.
I really liked the physical descriptions you included in the garden and how you tied it back into the memories of the last generation. I particularly liked the line, "I can hear some birds tweeting in the trees, and for once we're getting a summer in England, so I can feel the sun's rays warm my body." Sometimes there is a tendency to only focus on what a characters sees, so it was great to see you invoke some of the other five senses. However, you did slip into present tense here in this scene, while the previous scenes were in past tense, so you might want to give that another look over.
Ahhh... so now we know the reason for the break-up. But really, it wasn't just about the job. Like Rose said, things hadn't been going well for months. It's not uncommon for couples to think getting married will solve their problems. Seems like Rose was trying to be practical, even if her heart is telling her something otherwise.
The story is still a little tough to read in spots because of the sentence structure/comma issue. A beta might be able to help you smooth those out if you're interested in having one. But you're doing a really great job with your characters and it will be really interesting to see Rose and Scorpius when they finally come face-to-face again.
I'm glad I had the chance to stop by again for the review battle. Good luck with the next chapter!Author's Response: Hello there!
Haha yeah I couldn't help myself, when I threw in that little reference, as her books are so good ;D
That's one of the things which has annoyed me most about next gen stories, as me and siblings don't always get along well, so I can't really see how people think that everyone can get along with all their family members, so I'm glad that you liked that!
I'm glad that you liked the first memory, as I wanted to include it to show, that their break up wasn't that easy, and it had a lot of issues surrounding it!
I'm glad that you liked my description of the garden, I was just thinking back to the last wedding which was there, and stole some of JK's insipiration in how to describe it. I'll look over that present tense, I just wanted to get the chapter up, as I hadn't put a new one up in a while, and it didn't get a great proof read.
Yes, I don't think Rose could have gone ahead with the marriage, as she knew there were problems there, and getting married wouldn't just make them disappear.
I'll review the comma/sentence structure issues as well :)
Thank you for stopping by, and leaving a great review!
Kiana! Report Review
I love the beginning of the fic and the fact its got a love triangle. I'm reading so many HPFF stories right now as I'm writing my own, but this has been firmly added into my favourites.
LauraAuthor's Response: I'm glad that you loved the beginning of it and the love triangle. I'm also glad that this is in your favourites as it means so much to me!
Kiana! Report Review
Hey there! Thanks again for re-requesting:)
I actually think my favourite part about this chapter was the beginning conversation between Albus, Rose and Dom. God I love Dominique and your depiction of her is awesome. I LOVED the line: And also you need to see Pride and Prejudice, the TV version mind. Itís great, and this is coming from the girl, who doesnít like films when the guys donít take their tops off,Ē because it was just so perfectly Dom and made me have a little giggle. And because I'm sitting in a crowded room full of family members, I got some pretty strange looks.
I love the way you are interweaving the flashbacks and present say moments without disrupting the flow-it's very clever and something I think I would struggle at. It's nice to see Scorpius and Rose's backstory and I'm glad I know now why they broke up...although I do think Rose's reaction seemed a little rash and hasty-after all, this is her fiance she's breaking up with! But you said their relationship will be explored more, so I guess it's not just the moment you described that led to the break up. Though I have to admit, the idea of living in the mountains in Switzerland with cows does not appeal to me. I mean, living in New Zealand with cows is bad enough!
I liked how you mentioned Bill and Fleur's wedding and the fact that no-one else had had a wedding at the Burrow because it brought up bad memories. That was a nice touch, as was the fact that Rose said 'Itís odd how much those people mean to the older generations. To the younger ones, theyíre simply part of bedtime stories, and family members weíll never really know.' I thought that was a very accurate and thoughtful statement.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi Courtney!
I'm so glad that you liked Dom, as I know she's usually depicted like that, so I wasn't too sure about it! I'm glad that you liked the beginning conversation, as I loved writing it :D
I'm glad that the past and present moments worked well, as I've seen it done badly so many times, I was concerned about it. Yeah I wasn't too sure about Rose's reaction either, but I didn't want the flashback to get too long. I'll probably go back and add some more feeling to it though:) Yeah I love Switzerland, but living there would be pretty boring, and there are cows litreally everywhere there!
Yeah I wanted to reflected on the past, as it doesn't seem to feature much in next gen, so I thought I would be fun to add it in. I'm glad that you liked that quote, as it did seem true to me!
Thanks for a great review!
Kiana:D Report Review
Uproot my life for cows while trying for a degree,I'd freak out too. Break up though, I'd try long distance till it didn't work anymore. Thats a big what if.Author's Response: Haha yes who wants to live near cows! Yeah I think Rose is too logical and rational and realised that long distance probably wouldn't work. Scorpius will be back in chapter 5 though!
Thanks for the review;D Report Review
What a fun short story! Actually, it isn't fun, it all sorts of sad, but I enjoyed reading it anyways.
I write next gen stories all the time. I don't really know why, perhaps because it has so much you can work with?
This is a very interesting take on the Scorpius/Rose pairing! Very different from the usual stuff, so it was very intriguing.
Thanks for the fun read, 10/10
soapman333 (Jack)Author's Response: Hi Jack!
Yes it is rather sad, but I'm glad that you had fun reading it anyway!
This is acutally my first nex gen story, as I'm more of a Marauders fan myself, but I do agree, it's fun that you can basically write whatever you want.
I'm glad that you thought it was an unusual take, as that's what I was aiming to do!
Thanks for the great review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
Thought I'd add my review here. I'm really liking this one, and I had some extra time, so ...
Yes, I agree with the others that you really have Rose down pat. As a character she's multi-dimensional and like everyone is flawed. I like how you're allowing us to get into her thoughts both when she interacts with others and when she's thinking.
I do feel strongly that she got together with Xander very much on the rebound. So we'll just have to see how you choose to handle it. I feel she's still very much in love with Scorpius and maybe he's really the one for her. We'll have to see in which direction you choose to take them.
I also agreed about some of the sentence structure. Nothing serious, just some commas where sentences just needed to be broken up some.
And we'll know more about Al and Dom as the story unfolds. Of course, as a diehard Scorose fan, I'm absolutely dreading this wedding. Are you really, really going to have them get marrried?Author's Response: Hi thanks for stopping by and leaving a review!
I'm glad that you're liking Rose, as I find it hard to give characters flaws as I feel mean, but I'm glad that you feel that she has some:)
Yes her and Xander did get together on the rebound, but she does genuinely have feelings for him. Her and Scorpius are very complex, and I do think there is a part of her that still loves him, but I can't say more, as it would ruin the story ;)
I'll look over the sentences and add some commas.
Al and Dom do feature more in the latter part of the story, so don't worry about that:D The wedding is exciting, I hope I won't disappoint you, but I can't really say anymore about it;)
-Kiana Report Review
Hello again, p_c. I'm here with one of your staff reviews for the Review-A-Thon challenge.
I'm really enjoying the way you're continuing to develop Rose's character here. We get to see her interact with her friends, her parents and Scorpius -- each adding a little bit to our understanding of who she is. It's nice to see she has some dimension. On the one hand, she's clearly very close to Dom and Albus, and yet she's got a bit of an independent streak too, when she talks about not being free anymore to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. And just as a funny coincidence, I have Albus marrying a girl named Amelia in one of my stories too!
Meeting the parents: yikes! That can be scary, though things seemed to go pretty well, all things considered. It's cute how you have Ron actually preferring Scorpius to Xander. It seems like he cares more about Rose being happy than an old childhood grudge. Obviously you hinted at the end that things weren't always perfect for Rose and Scorpius, but since everyone around her seems to think he's such a great guy, I can't help but wonder what finally drove them apart. Was it just the thing with Penny, or is there more to it...
It would be great to see some more of the present action, in addition to the flashbacks -- more of Rose getting ready for the wedding, more of her thoughts on Xander, etc. I'm actually rather curious about him. Clearly she's still hung up a bit on Scorpius, seeing as she's thinking a lot about him on her wedding day, so I can't help but wonder what kind of man Xander is in comparison.
If you're up for a little CC, I'd suggest focusing in on your use of run-on sentences. Throughout the chapter, there are a lot of long sentences held together by commas, but the comma isn't a strong enough form of punctuation to hold two or more complete sentences together. Of course, the comma is one of the hardest forms of punctuation to get right (I mess them up all the time), but if you focus on breaking up your long sentences into several smaller ones, they will not only be more grammatically correct, they will also make your story a lot more reader-friendly. I've pulled a few examples out to highlight what I mean:
-- I hated that fact, it wasn't my fault who my parents are, I didn't ask to receive their fame.
-- After all we all were pretty close, my parents and Uncle Harry used to call us the next generation of the Golden Trio, obviously without all the battling dark wizards and defeating Voldemort.
-- "You may have a good thing going on actually Dom, it's a lot less hassle, I mean remember the first time Scorpius met my parents, to say that was awkward would be an understatement," I said, and my thoughts drifted back to that eventful first meeting.
In the first sentence, each section before the comma is a complete sentence. That means you need more than a comma to string them together. You could use a semi-colon or a dash, or add in a conjunction, but as a general rule, if the sentence fragment can stand on its own as a sentence, a simple comma isn't enough. You could do something like:
-- I hated that fact; it wasn't my fault who my parents are, and I didn't ask to receive their fame. --OR-- I hated that fact. It wasn't my fault who my parents are. I didn't ask to receive their fame. --OR-- I hated that fact - it wasn't my fault who my parents are; I didn't ask to receive their fame.
The combinations are pretty endless, and the same is true for the other lines as well.
-- After all, we all were pretty close; my parents and Uncle Harry used to call us the next generation of the Golden Trio, but obviously without all the battling dark wizards and defeating Voldemort.
-- "You may have a good thing going on actually, Dom. It's a lot less hassle - I mean remember the first time Scorpius met my parents? To say that was awkward would be an understatement..."
Just remember that (most of the time) commas are not enough to hold together two complete sentences.
Thanks for selecting me as one of your staff reviewers, and thanks for participating in the Review-A-Thon. Best of luck with your story. It's already off to a great start!Author's Response: Hi, thank you for leaving such a detailed review!
I'm glad that you're liking Rose's character, as I feel she's such a complex one given what her parents are like! I'm glad that you picked up on the fact that they are in fact two sides to her, and she can be close, yet private at the same time.
That is a concidence! I didn't really think much about the name, it was the first which popped into my head, and it seemed approriate so I just went with it!
I'm glad that you liked that Ron and Scorpius got along. As I do think that Ron would be mature enough now, to put behind a school day enemy, and try and please his daughter. Yes everyone did seem to like Scorpius, and I can't really say what happened, as that will be revealed in the next chapter!
I do agree that in this chapter there isn't that much in the present tense, or that much related to the wedding. I'll go back and see what I can add in:)
Yes comma's are very tricky, and I never seem to get them right! Thank you for your suggestions on where to include some, or add some periods. It really helps, as it makes me realise where I should include them, so hopefully I can learn from it!
Thank you for such a great and helpful review! I really enjoyed the review-a-thon, and hopefully they'll be another one!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Hplover987 here with your review! In the first part it was nice seeing Rose flustered and reading the obvious expectations expected of her. And learning about some of her past e.g. Scorpius and Xander. But I still don't know how old she is? It was just something I was wondering. Maybe you could add some bits in. Just a suggestion.
I really liked the first flashback, or whatever you want to call it. Perhaps seeing Rose more nervous would be nice, but I liked that she was shocked about being sorted into Ravenclaw and confused about what to do afterwards. And Scorpius's sorting made me think of Harry's. I don't know if you were going for that, but that's what I got. I did notice some grammar stuffs - like to instead of too, nothing major.
The next part was good, Rose with her bridemaids. Having the shock of Scorpius moving back deserved her reaction. Maybe one of her bridesmaid's could have reacted back though? And his job in Switzerland could have been phrased differently to make it more believable - e.g. "Everyone knows auror work has gone down there, especially after the peace agreement,". It's up to you though! Also you wrote "Can" when it should have been "Can't". Probably just a typing error. I really liked Rose being with her girls though! It felt believable and there was a closeness between them that you would expect between cousins.
and the last flashback was really good. You had the info first that clued you up. It's nice to see Rose not hating him first. And finding out about their personalities as well. The only think I'd say is twenty minutes is a long time. They've never kissed before and they're both sixteen at the oldest. Maybe tone it down a little? I'm just talking from personal experience. With them fancying one another for so long you don't want it to turn Hollywood cliche. I enjoyed it, but some people are picky.
I like how in this chapter you get to see both her present and past, and how she reached the present kind of. I hope you'll be keeping this up throughout the whole story. I really enjoyed it! Bare in mind my CC and please give me feedback!Author's Response: Hi! Sorry I took a while to respond life came by :(
Ooh I didn't think about including her age, as I wrote all of the story in one go, I included it later on and didn't mention it at the beginning, I think I'll go back and add it in.
I'm glad that you liked the sorting, as I thought it was rather sweet myself, yes I was thinking about Harry's and all of the pressure on him, but then I thought I would add even more with him being a Ravenclaw.
I'm glad that you liked the bridesmaid scene, and I would include the reaction thing, but she's just with Dom at that point, so it might be alittle tricky, as the whole scene may have to be altered, it's a great idea though. Wah probably a typo I always seem to miss those, I'll go back and sort it out.
I'm glad that you liked her relationship with her cousins as I find it hard to write, and deciding how close they should be hard was hard as well.
Yes I've read so many storie where Rose hated him, so I thought I would change it, and make them friends, as I don't think love can blossom from hate. Yes now I think about it that kiss may have been a bit extreme, I'll probably go back and change it, and the thing about them liking one another, I'll try and change it a bit to make it less cliche.
Thank you for you review, I found it was really useful :) Report Review
I think I've read at least one chapter of almost everything you've written by now... and it's because I really enjoy reading your stuff!
Okay, so the last thing I read by you was the ghoul story, and this obviously, is nothing like the ghoul story, which is actually my comfort zone, reading wise, in the sense that I tend to read things with humour in them. Also, I'm a pretty hardcore ScoRose shipper, so this first chapter is breaking my heart - but in a good way!
I can get where Rose is coming from, what with the whole pressure thing and getting married, and just not being sure about what she wants from life. It's something that I think everyone faces at some point in their lives, where they're second-guessing every decision, and picking apart where things could have been so different, so it's really nice to read something like that!
I actually really like Scorpius so far as well, which is weird because we have little to no idea what he's like in the present. But I liked that he's different. The way you described him at the Sorting I think was really telling of his character overall, and I hope you develop those traits later on!
Anyways, I had fun reading the chapter, and I look forward to reading more!Author's Response: Hello!
Aw I'm glad that you've read nearly everything I've written, it's made my day!
Ha this is actually more my comfort zone than the ghoul story, which is odd as I'm suppose to be writing out of my comfort zone, oh well!
I'm glad that you could get where Rose is coming from, because despite being part of the golden trio, probably a lot of people have been through a time in their lives where they're not sure they're making the best decision or not!
Yay you like Scorpius, yes he does change a little when he gets older, but I guess most people tend to change:) And his Ravenclaw traits do pop up now and then!
I'm glad that you had fun reading this chapter, and thank you again for the lovely review! Report Review
amazing boyfriend and Rose is going to through it away because of lack of sleep and stress. Maybe they shouldn't have moved in with each other while going through the beginnings of school?
Good update :)Author's Response: Thank you for taking your time to review! Yeah I guess Rose being very stressed was not going to help the situation. Yeah I guess the reason for them moving in together, was to show that it was a bad decision and to look at the consequences of it all! I'm glad that you liked it, and the next chapter will be up soon:) Report Review
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