Reading Reviews for Chains of Bronze
  
33 Reviews Found

Review #1, by itsonlyjamespotter 2 Year Later

30th May 2013:
this is really good and interesting. Original and intriguing - i like it a lot! I can't wait to see Emy meet the Potters, should be very interesting and hopefully we can see why James is so reclusive and maybe he may open up a bit? ~Hannah xx

Author's Response: hey! im glad you liked this =)

I'll be updating shortly! I just need to finish editing the new chpter haha


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Review #2, by BellaFan202 2 Year Later

29th May 2013:
Hi!

So glad you decided to request this chapter. I really enjoy this story, even though it can be a little bit difficult to follow sometimes because of spelling and grammar mistakes, which was kind of frustrating. There was only one time where I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say, though.

Anyway, I really am interested in where this story is going. This chapter had quite a bit of background story, which I thought was helpful.

However, I feel like Emy (just going to call her that, it's shorter. :P ) is a bit like a 1950s house wife. I feel like she shouldn't be waiting on James just exactly like that. I mean, sure, it's nice to make him dinner when he gets home and stuff, but the way you described it, it made it seem like she does that for him all the time. Maybe I'm being a little bit too opinionated, so feel free to ignore me, but that's just what I think.

I also think that they really seem like they love each other, because I thought that the marriage wasn't out of love. I'm not saying that they couldn't fall in love, I'm just saying that Emy kept saying that it wasn't "that kind of marriage" but then, there they are, standing in the kitchen, hands all over, playing with each others hair. I think that that would be fine for the story, but I also think that it would be less confusing if you could pick how they are with each other and stick with it.

(I really hope I'm not sounding really harsh, because I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to get in everything I want to say. D: )

But I do feel like this story could go places. It's got a very interesting plot, and I'm extremely excited to see where it goes from here. I really hope to get Aiden and Emma involved a little bit more, because kids are really cute ok. I also really liked the line where Aiden said "I'm a big boy, Emma's a baby." At the time I was just like "ok" but then I realized they're the same age and then I thought it was cute. :)

Don't forget to request the next chapter whenever you post it! :)

~BellaFan202~

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Review #3, by BellaFan202 The Beginning

26th May 2013:
Hello!

Oh, man, that was really good! I'm already really enraptured by this story, it doesn't suck at all!

I liked how you just hit the ground running with the action and mystery and kind-of-sort-of romance with "Richard" (who I strongly suspect to be Albus, maybe? Hmm? :P ). I think that Emylina (interesting name, by the way. How did you come up with it? I quite like it.) is very interesting so far, and she seems to have a strong sense of right vs. wrong, and knows that her father is wrong. However, it seems to be hard for her to actually accept that her father is wrong, which is acceptable, because he is her father and that can't be easy for her.

The fact that she's pregnant makes me really nervous, not going to lie, but I feel like it adds a great sense of like, I don't know, adventure and suspense to the story. Well, maybe not now, because she doesn't seem to be very far along, but I'm sure that as the story progresses, there will be a lot of concern with her pregnancy. Unless, of course, the action dies down. But you know. :P

While this is a really good first chapter, I did see quite a few grammar mistakes, such as using "your" instead of "you're", a couple of typos such as "sso" instead of "so", and just a couple of other random mistakes. You seem to like run-on sentences, which isn't really to major, but is slightly frustrating. I kind of flinched a couple times, but that's just because I'm a dork. :P I would recommend either a beta or just reading over what you've written after you've finished. It kind of seems like your brain was thinking faster than your fingers were typing (which I understand, that happens to me quite a bit), so I think if you just read over what you've written, all of those mistakes will be taken care of.

All in all, it was a really good first chapter, and I definitely hope you appreciated this review, and that you'll request your next chapter to be reviewed in my thread!

Thanks!

~BellaFan202~

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Review #4, by Johanna 2 Year Later

16th May 2013:
Wow! Its really good and thrilling! I want the continuation NOW! XD

So far I like your little different universe (different from other here). You also write good and make interesting characters.

A little question why she never suspects Richard and James of being relatives?
Otherwise I can understand her personality and relationship with her husband. Shes been hurt before and had a very special upbringing. Poor girl!

Is it too much to hope for a quick update? Well, take your time! ;)

Author's Response: thank you! im really glad you liked it!!

I will update soon so don't worry :P

well can't tell you that but... you will find out soon enough!

thanks again for reviewing!

Mya


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Review #5, by missclaire17 2 Year Later

29th March 2013:
RICHARD. IS. ALBUS. POTTER. OMG. WHAT.
HE. HAS. TO. BE. I mean, it's not possible that Richard isn't Albus. There would be no other reason why James would marry Emy.
I have so many questions right now that it's ridiculous how many questions I have.
1)Why did Albus leave her?
2)Does Albus know that he got Emy pregnant and that James married her?
3)Does the rest of James's family know at all about Emy, the babies, and their marriage?
4)Why do they keep moving?
5)Is Emy going to have to find out the hard way that Richard is actually Albus and that Albus and James are brothers?
6)I suppose that Emy has no idea what Harry has done, or anything about the First and Second Wizarding War, correct?
7)Why do they have to move back to Britain?

Seriously, I can't even... SO many questions, and you're just leaving me hanging for more!!! LOL

I do love this novel so far though; I love where you're taking it; I love the suspense; I love the whole ambiguity between James and Emy; and I love their family even though Albus is the dad and it's going to make everything SO messy once everyone realizes.

I love everything about this story, from the plot to your writing to how similar Emy and James are (they need to realize how similar they are and just declare their love for each other).

It's really exciting, and I can't wait for your next update!

(P.S. Emy's father sounds horrible.)

Author's Response: OMG. hahahah :P Well I can't tell you now can I :P

very interesting guess though Claire... very interesting hahah :P

Now for the sake of your questions, Im gonna pretend you meant Richard and not Al :P

1) Time will tell :P
2) No Richard has no idea :P He knows nothing at all!
3)Um.. tht comes up in the next update so just wait for that? Yeah thanks hahah :P
4)hmm... Well we will see why soon!
5)O!! You are killing me with these Claire. Srsly bahahah.
6)Nopee she has no idea about Harry or how famous James is
7)Well you should ask James that :P Hes the one who moved everyone :P

Im so glad you love this!!

I will update really soon! Just need to edit the chapter a bit and then the update will be in the queue.

Yes he is a horrible man!


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Review #6, by sunshine daisies 2 Year Later

8th March 2013:
I love this story! i know its only the beginning but i find it so unique and so different then all the other next generation fics. The charachters are devoloping well even though James is all mysterious (which is uber hot btw) their relationship is confusing but cute! really interested to see where everything is going:)

Author's Response: why thank you! Im glad you love it!! makes me super happy haha.

yeah I don't really like seeing Jamsie being completely silly so tada!! their relationship will be developed more as time comes :P



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Review #7, by CloakAuror9 The Beginning

4th March 2013:
Whoa. That was a bit intense! I wasn't expecting any of that, especially her being pregnant. That...whoa, that rattled me a bit.

I found Emylina's character portrayal as quite deceiving throughout the story. Since at the start, I had no clue what on Earth was happening and why she was tied up like that, I didn't really feel all that bad to her since I thought she had really done something terrible. I thought maybe that she deserved getting the cruciatus curse, but as I read the rest of the chapter I just felt so horrible for her! My gosh, she did not deserve not Mr. Emylina's Father! That is so unfair to her and just so cruel of him. I'm so glad James came into view before she completely lost consciousness or something worse happened to her.

I thought the story was good in terms of an overall idea and I especially love the unique idea of having them be almost isolated from the rest of the Wizarding World. Emylina's family did seem very much like a the rulers of their village.

I did pick up on a few things while I was reading the story though and I thought I might mention them as they did they away a bit from the story. For a start, I found your story a little bit too fast-paced. It might just be because of the character being in great distress, as anyone else would be if they were tied up to a metal bar, but I felt like I wasn't given enough time to absorb what I had read until the end. Another one is that when it came to the whole Crucio experience, I felt that Emylina's pain was a bit distant. I think you were focusing too hard on describing the sensation of the pain, so maybe you should read back and see if you can do anything to make it flow much easier. And finally, it irked me how the phrase 'the man' was repeatedly used to name James, so much so that it was beginning to feel like James was an inanimate object. So yeah, that's it, you don't have to change anything and they were really just suggestions, I hope I didn't offend you in any way -I only meant to help. Though, I do apologise if I said anything that hurt your feelings.

Overall, I enjoyed reading the story and I'm definitely going to come back to check out the next chapter! For now, great job with the story! Keep up the great job! ♥

~Izzy

Author's Response: Hey Izzy! Im glad you reviewed =)

Sorry for the fast paced. It was just the prologue so it seemed better for the story to move along so I could get it where I want it to be :P

Im glad you liked it though! I'll try to add more emotion to Emy going through the Crucio :D It doesn affect her later but we see that in other chapters.

Glad you liked it and thanks for the review!


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Review #8, by Gabriella Hunter 2 Year Later

3rd March 2013:
Hello!

Hey there, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm so sorry that it took me a minute to get to it, I really am. I was really busy and trying to type and had to pause in having a hissy fit because I had writer's block. D':
Anyway, its been a while since I've read the first chapter of this story. I have to admit that it took me a moment to get back into it and remember what had happened in the first chapter. I wasn't sure where you were going for the first few paragraphs becasue I'd wanted more detail and explanations on the chapter before. But I could see the more that I read that Emyline had settled in with James but I felt that there was something you were leaving out, perhaps on purpose? How was her father dealing with this? What happened after she and James married and why did he marry her? I couldn't help but wonder about that, especially with her saying that he kept things hidden from her.
I wonder if he's involved in some shady Auror things, not really shady but maybe dangerous? Hm...Got me curious on that.
James himself was a little strange, in the sense that I couldn't really get a grip on his character, I feel like he's just one big mystery. I do like that you gave more background on Emyline though, I thought it was really great to see how close she and her mother were.
I wonder if her dream of healing will come true? With the family constantly moving and this new departure to Godric's Hollow, I can't help but wonder about this. And what are James and his parents going to say? I wonder about this! Do they know about their marriage and the kids?
Hm.
I think you've got enough going on here to keep going and pulling me in different directions. :D
As for CC's, there were some grammar things, but this one is one that I think a quick proof read will get rid of. "Of course" instead of "Off course", that's the one that I noticed alot but other than that, your flow was good and I hope you hint at more to come in the next few chapters, you sort of left me on a cliffie! D':
Thanks for the read,
Gabbie. :D

Author's Response: Hey Gabbie!!

Thanks for the review!

Im really glad you liked the update! Well yes there is a lot of mystery. I was trying to maintain the present with only showing a bit of the past. We will see Daddy soon enough when he does things yet again :P

He is a mystery to Emy since she hasn't tried to actually know him. Which is why I tried to make it a mystery to the writer since well its in Emy's POV.

Glad you liked it Gabbie and thanks for reading!


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Review #9, by AlexFan 2 Year Later

1st March 2013:
I really enjoyed reading this. I thought it was really sweet even if nothing really romantic was going on. I kept going "aaw" in my head.

I just want to point out that you have a couple of grammatical and punctuation errors that you might want to fix.

Author's Response: hey! thanks for the comment =)

yeah I saw those and have edited them (waiting for validation :P)

glad you liked it!


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Review #10, by dreamer21 2 Year Later

1st March 2013:
I read this story a while ago and forgot its name.
I love where you are going with the plot.
James *heart*
It's just that this chapter was a bit confusing, I used to get lost somewhere and I had to re read what I was writing.
I would love more details, and die of happiness if there was a James POV
I guess thats about it for now. Do put up Ch 3 soon
xx
Em

Author's Response: thank you for reading!!
i'll try to make it less confusing =)
details i'll see if I can do :P and sure will do!


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Review #11, by BBWotter 2 Year Later

28th February 2013:
Oh my merlin this is so sweet and sort of sad at the same time! I really can't wait for the next update!! :))
1000/1000

Author's Response: thank you for reviewing~~ it really means a lot!! =)

I'll update soon haha. Im glad you liked it!


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Review #12, by buttercup 2 Year Later

27th February 2013:
I reaalllyyy like this story! its super confusing but im excited to find out whats really going on. I kinda had an inkling in the first chapter that richard was albus but now i know for sure! very interested to see what thats all about. James and Emylinas relationship is very strange but i like it! soo excited for the next chapter update soon!

Author's Response: thank you! I'm glad you liked the update!! I'll hope that it will become more clear as the story goes on but for now i'll just go and quietly fix all of the grammar errors I saw haha :p

thanks so much for the review!


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Review #13, by megthechef43 The Beginning

27th February 2013:
Aquabluez17,


At first I thought this was way back in time because the feel of it was from the Salem Witch Trials in 1962. Emylina being tied to a post and being tortured again feels old timey. Plus the premise of no sex before marriage is so old school to be Next-Gen and I wouldn't have know this was Next-Gen if it hadn't been for James Sirius Potter being in the chapter. Maybe that is what you were going for with the village being out of the way of anything that the society was a bit backwards.

That being said I like the idea you have going on, I am digging the all men can't be trusted vibe. From reading your summary I am a little worried about the story so I am going to point a few things to ponder as you continue to write this story. Why would James be a gold-digger? I got the feel from the books that Potter was old-money and Harry was not lacking so why would his son unless he is a gambler or wiled away his money in some other way. Just a thought I had.

I was really confused as to what was going on in this story for almost the whole chapter. I wish we had heard a little more of her story and why and how Richard left. Plus I would like to know more about Richard and if he is related to the Potters in some way. That part intrigues me quite a bit.

This was a lot to take in but I think you did a good job getting the facts out and setting the pace for the story. You did leave a lot of open questions that your readers will want to know over the course of your story, such as what her father did to gain the ministries attention. I really want to know more about James and his thoughts.

Good chapter though!

Meg

Author's Response: Hey Meg =)

Thanks for the review! Im glad you liked it. That was the point of the whole village thing. It was done on purpose trust me haha.

Yeah I ended up changing the summary mostly since I kinda changed the plans for the story :P Thank you for pointing that out!

That will come later and I didn't want to give too much away haah.

Im glad you liked it! Thank you for reviewing!


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Review #14, by 800 words of heaven The Beginning

23rd February 2013:
Hey there! Here with your requested review!

So the first chapter has got me intrigued already. I like stuff written in first person, because it's quite personal. What has me hooked is not that "they" are scared, more that "they" have always been scared. Why is that?

Right now, the Clarimonts are sounding a lot like I would imagine the Gaunt family to be, before they went completely crazy because of all that inbreeding - powerful, aware of it, and not afraid to use and abuse that power.

I can see that the main character (is it a girl? I think it is. Even if she isn't, she shall furthermore be referred to as "she") is misunderstood. The first paragraph showed her tied up and in pain, but a few of the later paragraphs show us that at least, according to her, looks can be deceiving. She claims to care for her village, but we don't know yet what that entails, and whether this proves that she does care.

So, clearly, Emylina (I was right! She was a girl!) is being portrayed as the victim here, but I don't know if this is intentional or not, I just don't know enough about her, or care for her emotionally, to quite believe that. I guess you could take this two ways - you could either make her the damsel in distress; a victim of circumstances, or what I think in my opinion would be far more interesting, is leave her character in this kind of ambiguity, where you're just not sure whether she's good or bad. This is of course just the first chapter, so I'm guessing you do have stuff planned for her, and her character, and I'd be interested to see where you took her.

I thought your description of the Cruciatus Curse was good, but I was feeling disconnected with Emylina. I know she was in pain, but I didn't feel that pain with her. As this is in first person, I think you have so much room to develop emotional connections with the reader, and I just wasn't feeling it in this bit.

Aha! I thought she might be pregnant! It seems one of the only ways a female can disgrace the family, and her mother's dying words were put into context quite quickly.

Is it terrible of me to say that I like Mystery Man more than Emylina, right now? It might be, but I do. Both of them are shrouded in mystery, but Mystery Man has quite a commanding presence surrounding him, and a clear and crisp way of talking that is really appealing right now.

...Why does Richard sound like Albus? Intriguing...

Final thoughts, I think this story has quite a bit of potential. I'd like to be more emotionally invested in Emylina, but I guess this is the first chapter, so perhaps you have a few more chapters up your sleeve where that can happen! Looking forward to more!

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing =)

Yes she is a girl and her father is a little crazy ahah.

I'll look at the emotion. I didn't realize that readers might not be as emotionally attached. Got caught up w the descriptions haha sorry!

Her mother's words will come up alot and it will really be an underlying theme in the story lol

Thank you for reading and reviewing!


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Review #15, by MissMdsty The Beginning

12th February 2013:
Hello there! I'm here with the review you requested!

This is a very original idea, indeed. Having a witch from an isolated community rescued by an Auror. A modern day fairytale, perhaps? But I'm not jumping to conclusions. I read the summary!

There was a lot of detail in this first chapter, which I liked, since I felt like I really got to know this character and her past and as a result I understood her suffering. I can only image what growing up in such a closed society can do to a girl's head and discovering that her father wasn't the kind man she expected him to be is a very brutal wake-up call. In my mind, that's her spiritual loss of innocence.

I liked the flow of this chapter. There were no sudden pauses in the narrative, everything tied together nicely and there were no spelling or grammar mistakes I could pick up. The dialogue is very good, seeing as it is from a first person POV and she was undergoing a lot of stress. Everything about the way in which she perceives her surroundings is very well incorporated into the general atmosphere of the story.

I am curious as to why James Sirius would just want to marry her, as I am curious why he was chasing her father. There's a story there, I can feel it! A very interesting one! Also, how does Richard tie in with all of this?

Thank you so much for requesting this review, as I enjoyed reading this greatly. You're off to great start, I can't wait to see where you go with this story. Feel free to request again once you've updated.

Ral

P.S. I love your banner! It's so pretty!

Author's Response: Hey Ral! Thanks for the review =)

Im glad you liked it! Well I didn't really have a fairytale in mind but we will see

Richard has a very interesting part that he plays in the FF as you will see once the story moves on =)

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Glad you like the banner


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Review #16, by BBWotter The Beginning

12th February 2013:
I really adore this story and I feel bad because I don't think I'm going to go into as much depth about the story as the other reviewers, but trust me, I lved it all the same.
Am I reading too much into it if I said that Richard sounds very much like Al? Just a thought :D
Please write again soon, I absolutely cannot wait!!
:)) 1000/1000

Author's Response: aww thank you! im glad you liked it =)

i'll update soon! thanks for reviewing! it rele meant alot


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Review #17, by my_voice_rising The Beginning

10th February 2013:
Hi there, I'm here with your requested review!

Right away I'm captivated by this story. Why is she tied up; who is her father? I want to know more about the Clairmonts and their civilization. But there were some sentences that were phrased in a way that I didn't understand. Your first sentence could be shortened, definitely. (I'm only picking on this one because it's the one readers pay attention to the most, and because the rest of the paragraph is perfect.) "I let my head hang as my hands were tied behind my back and my legs to the metal bar that I had resolved to lean on" could be changed to something like "I hung my head, my hands tied behind my back, legs bound to the metal bar I'd resolved to lean on." Or something. You're clearly a talented writer, it's just that the first sentence is a bit wonky. :3

I really do like this story so far. It's unique, especially the notion of their Wizarding village far away from the Magical World. I know that your summary tells us this is a Next-Gen fic, but if I hadn't read that, I would almost think it was a founders-era story. The village; being tied to a pole (reminiscent of the witch trials, a historical event); being shamed by her father. You give us little hints that it is present-day, like mentioning playgrounds and homework. But I like that this could just as easily be historical fiction.

I also like her mother's parting words to her, about never trusting a man. I'm sure this will come into play in the story, with her relationship with James.

Where are they, though? I'm surprised that her father was so careless to do this in a place where some complete stranger could walk up and stop it. I also wonder if a fetus could survive a Cruciatus curse... I would think definitely not! Also, why does she sound happy that her fiance is back, if he deceived her and then left her pregnant?

I'm interested by the ending scene. So it wasn't Richard? Intriguing.

All in all I think this is a good start. Happy writing!

Author's Response: Hey! Im glad you liked this story!

Thank you for pointing out the sentence mistakes! Yay! Happy you liked the background and setting of the story =)

You will just have to see :P

Thank you!


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Review #18, by Loving_Sirius_4eva The Beginning

9th February 2013:
Ah! I love it :D I really do like it. Can't wait to see where this goes :)

~LoVe_Sirius

Author's Response: Thank you so much! It really means alot

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Review #19, by Siriusly89 The Beginning

9th February 2013:
Hi! Siriusly89 here with your extremely overdue review :D

Wow! This story is very dark! Emylina's father sounds, well quite frankly sick in the head! And Richard, well if I got my hands on him I'd kill him! Leaving poor Emylina behind, pregnant with her barbarian of a father!

The end was very interesting though! For some reason, I thought this was set back in Founders era, but to have someone getting away with that kind of abuse in Next Gen is ridiculous! Thank goodness James Potter turned up!

I like how he offered to marry her, it sounds like the kind of thing a Potter would do! Completely un-thought out, spur of the moment madness!

This was a very interesting beginning, very interesting indeed!

You know where I am if you ever want another review :D

Author's Response: Hey! Im glad you liked this!

Yah he is a terrible person :P Lol didn't exactly mean it to be Founders era but I did want to show how unmodern it is where she lives :P

glad you liked it!


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Review #20, by ChaosWednesday The Beginning

9th February 2013:
hey there! It's Whiskey from the formus for the review swap! I know I took for ever to get to it, but after I posted on the formus I realized I had less time than I thought :P

Anyways, interesting idea!Very unusual style. I like how impassive the narrator seems to be, even as she is describing how her father is tying her up.

I must say, though, I did notice some typos. It's not much, but worth looking over. Also, you seem to leave out words a lot, especially in the beginning, like here: "I didnt homework". Also, this sentence seems quite awkward and I think it could be rephrased in a more simple way: "My father's interest showed in me only after my display in magic."

All in all, interesting! I liked the isolated villiage setting, would have loved to read more about it. You really do like your arranged marriage strories, huh? ;)

cheers, and sorry for taking so long to swap!

Author's Response: Hey! thanks for doing this!

Im glad you like the narrator! I wanted her to be a bit different and I guess as a cold person, she is very different.

Thanks for pointing that out! I didn't actually notice it when I read it haha :P

LOL yah I guess :P I always try to find stories like that to read and when I dont find them... I start writing them on my own lol =)

Thanks so much!


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Review #21, by sunshine daisies The Beginning

8th February 2013:
i realyyy like this story so far! the beginning was very intriguing and its such a unique story i cant wait to see what happens next! update soon!

Author's Response: Hey! I'm really glad you like this :) I will try too

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Review #22, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing The Beginning

8th February 2013:
Hello hello!

Laurenzo7321 here with your requested review! Sorry it has taken a little while to get around too!

This was a really different kind of story and you really got me hooked. To start with you really built up the suspense and I could tell something bad was going to happen. They way she described her family was great and gave us a lot of information in not too many words. The line 'Bad things happened to those who talked about it.' was particularly chilling for me.

It was really sweet that as a child she really tried to be one of them and make them less afraid, even if she didn't succeed.

Her father is horrible! Torturing her when she's pregnant is just unbelieveable! I thought you described the effects of the cruicatus curse very well - which is not an easy thing to get right. I'm quite jealous - I'm having trouble with that at the moment!

Ooh, so James came in to save the day. Am I imagining things or does this Richard sound an awful lot like Harry? All your descriptions - green eyes, hair sticking up at all angles, glasses, short and scrawny. Yeah it just kept popping into my head. James has a bit of mystery around him too - going to not caring whether her father kills her to wanting to marry her. There's definitely has to be more going on!

A couple of typos I noticed:

'My introduction to magic had been quiet minimum as my father would prove today.' I think you mean quite not quiet?

'Teachers started yelling at me when I didn't homework' I think you need 'do homework'

This was a really strong start to your story though! Well done!

Lauren :)

Author's Response: Hey Lauren,

thank you for reviewing!

I fixed the typos you pointed out! didn't seem them before hand so thanks :D

im glad you liked James and even Emylina a bit =) we will find the mystery bout Richard later in the story!

thank you for reviewing!


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Review #23, by academica The Beginning

7th February 2013:
Hi there! I'm here from Review Tag :)

So this is a very intriguing start to a story! I really like your description a lot, and the way you had us see everything through your main character's eyes. When she was confused or overwhelmed by pain, we were, too. We could follow her through every moment of her torture.

I feel really bad for her, given her situation. It seems reasonable that she trusted her father and then was betrayed by him; it makes her feel human. If I understood her correctly, she was treated this way by her father because she slept with her fiance one day before the wedding and found out she was pregnant, right? I gotta say, I don't know how she would know that she was pregnant that soon. I could potentially see her fiance using her and then leaving her, though, especially if he had been pressuring her for a while.

I noticed a couple of long sentences in here that I think could be broken up by commas, like this:

It was unbearable and I could feel my long legs buckle underneath me making me hit the floor.

^I think there should be a comma between "me" and "making," just to add in a necessary pause.

It'll be interesting to see how James turns out, especially once Emylina begins living as his wife. I would think it would take an extraordinarily compassionate person to take such pity on her, given that she is a stranger and expectant mother.

Nice start!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey Amanda!

Im glad you liked this!

Looking back, I saw the sentences you mentioned and fixed them =)

Well we all know about the Hero Complex of a Potter =)


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Review #24, by Elphaba and Boyfriends The Beginning

7th February 2013:
Hello, Elphaba here with your requested review!

So far your story is off to an intriguing start. I'm curious about the village, because it seems very isolated, like something out of a fairy tale. I wonder whether her family, especially her father, is responsible for this? He seems like a very evil man.

I noticed a few phrases here and there that I might edit. The first one is: "even if there eyes held malicious otherwise." I might replace "held" with "remained," because held has multiple meanings that make it a bit confusing. "There" should also be "their."

The next one is: "dating as back as to my great great great grandfather..." I would probably remove "as" from both places, because the sentence flows better without it.

Finally: "My introduction to magic had been quiet minimum..." I wonder if "quite minimal" would work better here than "quiet minimum"?

I like Emylina, she has a lot of spunk! :) Your physical description of her sticks out a bit from the rest of the story: I pictured something out of a shampoo commercial as she flips her hair, when in reality she might not look so glamorous after her ordeal. I might describe her earlier in the story, maybe say that the other villagers are unnerved by her uncanny emerald eyes, or that she tossed her dark curls toward the boys who teased her.

The end is a definite surprise, with James offering to marry her! I wonder what his motives are. Does he truly intend to marry her? Or did he just say he would in order to rescue her from her father? What will their relationship be like? They don't know each other at all, and she is hung up on this Richard character -- he sounds like a jerk!

I think this story has a lot of potential, and it will be interesting to see how it develops from here. :)

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you for reviewing!

I fixed the sentences you mentioned and did edit in a bit more about Emylina's appearance so it would seem more believable!

yay! im glad you see potential!


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Review #25, by Gabriella Hunter The Beginning

6th February 2013:
Hello!

So, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm so sorry that I'm late. I would have read all of the stories in my thread but I've been annoyingly busy and such. So this is the story that you had mentioned to me on the forums? I see what you've changed here and there if this is the same story and I think that I liked the idea you were going with. I was really horrified while I was reading this to see Emylina being held on display in front of her entire village and being tortured. I wasn't able to figure out what was happening and I really loved the build up of suspense you showed. It was very well-done and I got a sense of her character very well from the first few paragraphs. On some things, she felt a tad passive and I think, given the situation that you might not have needed it. But I think you were going more for disbelief, which worked out better towards the middle when you decided to speak about her relationship with her father. The bits about the village made me think that this is a period piece and I'm not sure if you meant to make it that way but it was really interesting! :D
In the Wizarding world its hard to tell though! But her family being capable of magic and then abusing their power really struck out to me. It seems like it came back to haunt them and Oh! Abandoned after getting pregnant?! More problems and plot grips I see! I was so thankful that the strange man DID come to help her after she'd been tortured by her father but apparently, her father is a wanted man! Now you've got me curious! :D
I wonder what you're going to do next, since Emylina has to marry the man. I hope you give alot of detail and such into that!
As for CC's, I think you should add in a few words ahead of a sentence to make it flow better. Like, "Difference was" could just simply be, "The difference was," and the sentence would flow alot easier. There were some spelling things but a quick read will take care of those!
Otherwise, this is a pretty interesting story, I really like your idea! :D
Thanks for the read!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Hey Gabbie! Im glad you got around to reviewing =)

glad you liked the story! its quite a complicated plot and Emylina is really impassive about things since thats just the type of person she is actually :P

You will see more about her father and James as the story moves on =)

I fixed the sentences so it could flow better. thanks for pointing it out !

thanks for reviewing!


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