Wow what an interesting AU set up!
I'm going to start with the fact that I got a giggle out of Olivia's name. That's the name I use for James Potter's mum :)! I thought that was fun, since it was your Lily's mum's name.
I love stories that sort of start us off in something normal before bringing the real issue up front. The way you began Severus's day in a very routine manner, letting us adjust to him and building small bits of character trait around his feelings for the house elf were all great.
I enjoyed that you had him not wanting the house elf to be around because he likes his privacy. That felt really 'Severus' to me. And he seems to actually like the little thing now.
I was confused about what was going on (which was probably my fault because I didn't even look to see if it was AU or anything) but by the end I'd managed to work it all out.
Olivia being so terrified and having Severus come look at what was on TV really built up the intensity. Especially when we started understanding what was happening as well.
There were a few awkwardly worded sections. Not many, and I think if you just read this out loud you'll realize what sounds off. It's almost repetitive at times that sort of gives it that feeling. Like here:
--The wall; the wall was bare, Severus noted, compared to the rest of it. Walking slowly to the naked wall, Severus felt something; he felt strong energy radiating from it. As he closed the distance, the energy of it had gotten stronger, and so he believed there something big behind this wall.
I think you were trying to get across the intensity of this and what would come next, but it ended up reading choppy. Rewording it like:
Severus noticed that the wall was bare, housing on decorations like the rest. He felt something radiating from it, almost like a strong energy. As he closed the distance, whatever was creating the energy seemed to be strengthening. He gripped tightly to his wand, preparing for something to be on the other side--
Just something like that to give it a smoother feel :)
This is a really awesome start, m'dear!Author's Response: Oh thank you! :D
Wow, really? o.O I didn't know that because I never read your story, but as the word goes, "great minds think alike." ;)
Yeah, at some point I was struggling with writing and trying to be a good writer, so thank you for that example. I'm still studying the writers tips from the forums. I know I'd have to make another trip there. :)
Thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^_^
If you really like it, stay tune for the next chappie. 8D lol
-Asphodel Report Review
Here for review tag!
Wow, this certainly seems like a very interesting story. I do hope you decide to continue and complete it this time (judging by your author's note, you apparently took down its previous versions mid-way through?).
I like how you've characterized Snape. His thoughts about his house-elf fit in with his personality somewhat, if not entirely, and I'd like to see you develop his character further in the story so we know why he has 'changed' for the better.
I enjoyed the dark and mysterious atmosphere you set throughout the story, even before the news of the death of the Dursleys. It all made very intrigued and I was eager to see how events unfold, so good job.
I would also like to know more about Olivia and her and Snape's backstory. When you first introduced her, it seemed like she was Snape's ex-girlfriend or something of that sort, so her being Lily and Petunia's mother was quite unexpected. This really makes me want to know more about her relationship with Snape =)
The ending was very chilling indeed. I liked how Snape felt around the dark magic and such, it sounded like a very snape-thing to do. It is strange (and very interesting) as to why Harry was actually concealed magically.
Over all, I think this is a brilliant first chapter to what I am sure is a great story. There is so much suspense and so many questions that I can't wait to see how the plot progresses further.
The only CC I have for you is that your grammar was slightly off in a few places. I noticed that you also changed tense somewhere in the middle before switching back. It is all minor stuff, but it would definitely ease up the flow of reading if you could re-read and give it a grammar fix, or perhaps get a beta.
Otherwise, great job. Keep writing!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for the very wonderful comment! ♥
I will try to fix those errors as soon as I can. School makes me a busy bee so I don't be having time for myself, but whenever I have free time, I try to work on my writing. ^_^
I'm glad you're liking it so far. if you're really interested, stay tune. I will post the next chapter by the end of this week and wait for it to validate.
Thanks for reading!
-Asphodel Report Review
wow u write so beautifuly allishyaa :D i'll surely read further :D
shinichiAuthor's Response: Thank you! :)
I'm glad you like it. ^_^
I will try to update as soon as I can. :D Report Review
Hi there, I'm here from Review Tag!
I love the idea of this weird twist on canon, with the Dursleys being dead and Severus finding Harry. I think the little details you have in here are great, like the way that Lily and Petunia's mother is sick of seeing Dumbledore and having to deal with another daughter dead as a result of magic. I also liked how you described Severus's morning routine and used it as a smooth transition into the plot.
One thing I noticed right off the bat is that the spacing is kind of wide in this chapter. You could probably fix that by using the Simple Editor to post material. It can take a little time to go through and put your formatting in manually, but the end result looks really clean, so I always use the Simple Editor.
Also, it seems like at times your phrasing is awkward; you put in extra words and use tenses that don't agree, and I noticed a few punctuation errors. I think the easiest way to rectify this would be to get a beta from the forums. They're very helpful and a lot of people use them to clear up errors like the ones I noted above.
This is a great start. I think the pacing is good and I like your imagery as well. I hope you continue this so that perhaps I can read on some other time.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hello Amanda. :)
Yeah, I thought I'd bring something different to this whole theme of the story instead of Harry getting taken away from the Dursleys. And yes, I'm starting to love my Olivia. ^_^ I have more in store for her in the story as well.
Okay then, I'll start doing that when I have time. Real life is a needle to in the behind, so yeah.
Thank you for reading and I'm glad that I have a great start. I am in the process of working on Chapter 2 now so I'll let you know in the forums when I update. :D
-Asphodel Report Review
Dear Lady A,
I enjoyed this chapter, you had me the edge of my seat the whole time. Oh my...Olivia, Severus' neighbor, is Harry's GRANDMOTHER?? Wow!!
I look forward to more. -Lauraf68Author's Response: Oh wow! Yay! Thank you! :D I'm glad that you did.
And yes. I have more in store with Olivia here. hehe.
Thanks for reading!
-Asphodel Report Review
This is definitely a very interesting concept you have going on here. I've noticed that there is quite a bit of hate for Snape on this site, but I personally have no problem with him-in saying that, I've never really read much fanfiction about him, so this story has already grabbed my interest.
So...is this story AU, seeing as the Dursley's are dead? Or are they not really dead at all? Hmmm...interesting.
From the moment you introduced Olivia, I was curious to find out who she was-I thought perhaps she was a girlfriend or something, so it was great to find out she was Petunia and Lily's mother.
Snape seemed very out of character in this chapter, especially with all those comments about the house elf but I'm not saying that's a bad thing-I actually find it interesting, because I'd like to know now what it is that caused his personality to change so drastically.
Anyway, I think this was a very interesting first chapter-you are great and writing suspense, and the mystery that surrounded this chapter was perfect.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi Courtney! :)
I'm glad that I was able to gain your attention, since that what I was aiming for in my story. Hopefully when I update, I'll acquire more readers. ^_^
Yes, this story is alternative-universe and the Dursleys are dead. And I'll have a reason for why they died later on in the story... probably no later than this next one coming or the third one. I'll also have a deeper reason later on in maybe towards the end of my story or in the sequels. "It's a thing in process; respect the thing." (Doctor Who lol, don't mind me. :P )
So there'll be more in store from Olivia, if you ever do plan on continuing to read once I update.
And I'm glad Snape being OOC isn't really bad because I'm trying not to and I'll again have my reasons detailed in the story. :D
Thank you again for reading and for your lovely comment! =D
I really love Snape, so Iím so glad that Iím tagging you!
I rather liked how you made Snape view Ixia, as heís such a complex and mysterious person, this of course perfectly fitted in his with character, by being nice to his house elf. I liked how you added some backstory as to how he inherited her, and to his family life, as it made him more 3D and humanistic.
Even before you mentioned their deaths, you had managed to create a dark and mysterious atmosphere, it totally fitted in with Snape, and it almost made me scared about what was going to happen next.
I wondered who Olivia was as I thought she was a friend or perhaps girlfriend of Snapeís, so I was pleasantly surprised to find out she was Lily and Petuniaís mum.
I quite this chapter due to the mystery aura, and itís a great set up for the rest of the story.
-Kiana!Author's Response: Yay! I love Snape too! He's such an unappreciated character, and hopefully with my story, people who are not fans of him or don't particularly care for him much would at least come to an understanding.
And I'm glad to hear from you that it has a mysterious dark aura in this story because that's what I'm aiming for. ^_^ And yes, Olivia was an intentional new surprising character. ;)
I'm glad you like it! And I thank you for reading! Stay tune for further updates if you come back to read. Report Review
this is a good first chapter!! i like the way you've written it and i can't wait to see how you're gonna take the story futher!! (p.s. sorry about this, but i noticed a few grammatical errors here and there, just tiny ones, but please check them before posting the chapters...sorry for the criticism)Author's Response: It's alright. Thanks for pointing them out. :) It's hard to catch a mistake because either my thinking process is too quick for my fingers, or when I do look over it, I still miss one, two errors. Also, I don't have Microsoft word at home on my computer. I use another typing processor and it doesn't check for mistakes. But now that I'm in school, I had copied and pasted it on there to see where I made my mistakes and corrected. ;) I will try to do that from now on.
And thank you! ^_^ I'm glad you're liking the story so far. I'm writing chapter two now as I type this.
Thanks for reading! Hope to hear from you again! Stay tune! :D
-Asphodel Report Review
REVIEW TAG! Hello!
Can I tell you just how excited I am to be the first reviewer for this story? It doesn't happen often to me, but when it does, I get inexplicably happy!
I actually hate Severus Snape (I only liked him for that one chapter, and that was it), so I was a bit hesitant to read this, but just a couple of paragraphs in, and your take on him seems to be okay. I don't feel like slapping him just yet, and he behaved pretty decently towards the House Elf, so that must count for something. It seems a bit OOC for him, but I can't say that I'm complaining - I'm liking this so-far decent bloke much more.
Our first meeting with Olivia has left me feeling confused - in a good way. I want to know who she is, and how she knows Severus and his secret. I hope more is revealed about her later!
Ah! She's Petunia and Lily's mother! I should have guessed! Who else would live near him in Spinner's End? And as much as I disliked Petunia, I feel kind of sad about her death. I wonder where this will lead...
So far, the story has a great aura of mystery and suspense surrounding it, which I am enjoying. I've never really read anything like this before, so I'm looking forward to seeing where this will lead!
And what a surprise you had in store for us at the end!
This story sounds really cool and interesting, and I'd like to read more. Hope you update soon!Author's Response: Heheh yeah my first reviewer! :D Hello! ^_^
Lol, yeah. Well, he's younger like early twenties because this when Harry's like 5, so I believe if I was writing Severus Snape's life... he'd have grown into a bitter man, but since this alternative... it's going to be probably some moments where he's a bit OOC, but I won't make him completely 'cause I hate OOC.
Anyways, I'm glad you're liking it. That's what I intended too. :)
I'm writing chapter two now and going to figure out a way where it doesn't make Severus out of character than he needs to be.
Thanks for reading and reviewing, and I'll try to update asap. :P Stay tune. ;)
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection