I think that Jacob maybe cheated on Eden, which is why she was in a pissy mood when she ran into him. Am I along the right lines? ;] Report Review
Haha love this story! especially Dom's character Report Review
This is so interesting! James is soo cute!!! Report Review
Is it wrong that I'm in love with Jacob's arrogance? Guess it's something to do with bad boys i guess. Loving this story so far! Please continue! Report Review
I really like this story so far! I can't wait to see what happens and learn more about each of the characters!! :) Report Review
I love your portrayal of James..it's a refreshing change from the norm! Keep up the excellent work! I can't wait for the next chapterrr!:) Report Review
Wow, Eden is sure one for dramatics, there's no need to yell! If Becky is the female version of Voldemort then you could call her Voldamort or Voldemorta (my best friend and I kept coming up with the female versions of names).
I'm proud of Dom, she may have overreacted but hey, she punched Becky so it's all good. Just a few grammar errors but other than that I enjoyed reading this! Report Review
This story is great!! I honestly love James and I hope he and Eden end up together, cause I think they'd be really cute!!
I liked Lucas in the first chapter but I'm starting to dislike him, because of Becky.
But awesome story! Heres hoping for a quick update!! Report Review
lovelovelove it! Eden and James' friendship is so cute! Love it! Report Review
OMG. That was good. More, please?
Wait that would sound wrong out of context.
I think Eden needs a bit more character. Something about her. Like really blunt. Or realy honest. Or really clever. Just something.
Yes, it was bery very good. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Lillyloolah x Report Review
Please please continue! Report Review
This is looking good! Please update soon! Report Review
Hey there! I am soo sorry this took an age, I was ill for a while and then completely forgot I was even the possessor of a review thread, woops! Forgive me.
I have to be truthful, it'll take me forever to remember her family - wow that's huge! You certainly have an interesting start, I liked the introduction with Arthur and Holly, I think it's nice not to have to jump straight into everything - especially the extensive family introductions :D - and have a bit of backstory first.
About her extraordinarily confusing family, it's fine to have it all at once, but it can be a lot to take in at the same time, so it could be good if, when the character in question is mentioned or appears, there could be a small explanation or introduction for that character - like when she explained who Pippa was, that was perfect - just bits at a time so the reader doesn't end up having to try and remember everyone's name straight away.
I love the name Noah! I keep seeing it everywhere and it is my absolute favourite name at the moment, for both genders(I don't know if it's a girl's name but it is now ^.^)
I thought Eden had a brilliant and funny character, this chapter had quite a lot of narrative, but it wasn't too bad since it was in first person and, to be honest, I quite enjoy being inside her head :P She has an interesting personality and an equally fun set of friends. Fred and James? YAY! I'm sorry, two of my favourite Next-Gens...along with quite a few others ;)
I loved the comments about Draco and Hermione's love child, and the swearing on Harry Potter thing, because they're obviously pretty famous and so it's quite a natural thing to say, considering they're referencing people who everyone knows about. I am not sure if this makes sense :P
I loved Eden's reaction to Lucas becoming HB, and Becky Parker huh? Bet she'll be causing trouble and aggravation. I can't believe Lucas got off with her! I have a feeling he'll be getting an earful xD
This is certainly very interesting, first James Potter and now the mysterious Jacob Malfoy...sounds like quite a contrast xD And I am intrigued to find out more about Malfoy and his and Eden's history.
All in all I think it's an awesome start, quite unique with a few small cliches - but where would we be without them? - and I definitely think you should continue, I mean, you can't leave it with that cliffhanger!
Sorry this review took forever to get to you, it must have...erm...got lost in the post or something. Yeah. Those darned owls... :P
P.S Hogwarts, Hogwarts here we come... is somebody a bit of a fan of A Very Potter Musical by any chance..? ;) Nice one :PAuthor's Response: I'll forgive you for the late review if you forgive me for the late reply!
I will go into a lot more detail into each of the family members soon as I know just how confusing it can be. Noah is such an adorable name for both genders really! It's one of my favourite names ever! Fred and James are my favourite next gen characters too! They're soo witty and amazing!
Oh you can definitely expect an earful from dear Eden to Lucas ;)
Oh and yeah I definetly blame the owls. Must have been on strike or something xD
Thank you so much for the lovely review Emily! All is forgiven for the wait and yes, I am a very big fan of AVPM! xo Report Review
Hello vicky! I read your other story Fate's path and I decided to read this! It's really interestin, pls update soon so I can find out what happens next and who is Jacob Malfoy?!?! Report Review
What a great start!! I really like the personalities and relationships of all of the characters so far.. I'm obsessed with drama and I'm sure there will be some with James, Eden, and Jacob in the future!
I think you should definitely continue this story -- I think it's really interesting so far :) Report Review
Hi there, vicky! I'm here with your requested review. First of all, I really am liking this story so far. I worried, as I was reading it, that it would get lost in the backstory or in Eden's perspective, or that there would be too much commentary (which can sometimes drown out the actual plot). So far, I think you've balanced that nicely, so my advice is to just keep doing what you're doing.
I think you've got some really lovely imagery splashed throughout. One example:
"The great hall looked absolutely grand that night. The ceiling above us was a tenuous dark blue, smudged with clouds. Stars twinkled in an almost lazy manner, and no moon could be seen.
"Candles flickered above everyone’s heads, casting an amber glow. The Hall was completely silent, as one by one, the first-years stepped up and were sorted into their respective houses. Excitement and anxiousness made the atmosphere tingle."
Your use of descriptors, using the verb 'tingle' to describe the atmosphere, 'smudged with clouds' - the descriptions/personification/metaphors/imagery are as grand as the Hall you described. ;) Well done there. You could always do more if you wanted, but I think you did a nice job throughout.
I was very impressed with how you kept the story moving. As I said, the backstory/commentary didn't drown out the plot. It's hard to strike that balance, but you managed it. I think the only thing I would have liked to see more of - because with so many characters, a story like this can get confusing - is explanation of who each character is as you introduce them. For example, when the step-dad came in, you said he was the step-dad, but when Lucas showed up, I had to scroll back up to figure out which of the siblings he was. So just a quick, "Lucas, my twin," as opposed to just simply "Lucas" when he first shows up would have helped remind me of who he was. Same goes for the other siblings. I remember you describing Eve, but I'm not sure you reintroduced all of the brothers. That sort of thing is just helpful for the reader.
I did find some typos throughout. In the middle you seem to change tense from past to present and back again a few times. Also, there's at least one point where you used an apostrophe-"s" for a plural word instead of just the "s". The word "abstinence" I think was meant to be "abstinent". I can't think of any others, but if you edit, I recommend a general proofread while you're at it. :)
Finally, I think you did a great job with your ending. Good cliff-hanger, way to give us a surprise we weren't expecting! I think it's another hard balance to strike - figuring out what to keep secret until the end of a chapter and what to reveal. I generally think one big reveal per chapter should be it, or a story just gets confusing! But you did a great job. You didn't have me wondering or guessing until the end, and the reveal was just enough to hook my interest. Now I want to know more about this Jacob Malfoy because, while we know that it was "little Scorpius" at the train station, there's no reason why there couldn't be an older Malfoy boy!
I'm trying to think of anything else - and I think, the only thing you might want to look at again is the James/Eden relationship in this chapter. It really came across like they were a couple, and it set me up to just not want to believe you when you said they weren't! :P This is another place where you might want to explain a little bit more at first - kill any delusions the reader might have about there being "more" to James and Eden's friendship right in the beginning, then let us see for ourselves the little clues and hints that might feed our interest and suggest the possibility in the future.
I really hope all of that made sense, but if it didn't or if you have any questions, feel free to PM me! Anyway, I think this is definitely a story worth continuing if you have ideas for it and would like to write it. You've definitely set up a very interesting start, and have left us with just enough unanswered questions to keep your readers coming back - Who is Jacob Malfoy? What's his relationship to Eden? What was James all on about? What about this friend of hers at the beginning that we don't see again - Arthur? What's the deal with him? So anyway, my point is, if you're up for writing more, I say go for it! :)
I hope this was helpful, and thanks for requesting a review!
cypressAuthor's Response: Cypress, WOW!
Your review was by far the most detailed and most explanatory!
I had to re-write the Great Hall description a lot, a lot of them weren't working for me, but I'm glad you liked it. The large family and group of friends will definitely be confusing at first, but I will honestly work on making it more understandable to the reader :)
I proof-read it once and my eyes always skip over the mistakes, even with spell-checker. It's a terrible habit, and I will re-read this once again!
Jacob Malfoy is very very interesting! No-one's heard about him, which just makes him all the more mysterious. And we all like someone who doesn't reveal too much!
The James/Eden relationship is 'complicated', it's not a normal friendship and it's not like they're dating. I will definitely bring that up in later chapters! I'll also foreshadow the possibilities of what may happen in later chapters to their relationship.
Your review made a lot of sense, so I'm glad that you reviewed! The questions will be answered sooner rather than later, I wouldn't want to keep people on edge, would I?
Thanks again cypress! xo Report Review
Hello, Elphaba here with your requested review!
I like that you work a lot of humor into this story, especially with Eden's sly, snarky asides. This is one line in particular that made me laugh: "Jade is my BFWWSTNMHMBGASBGITW. Best friends who will stick together no matter how many bitchy girls and stupid boys get in the way. Don't ask."
Another line I really like is: "And there he was, the womanizer, the heartbreaker, the casanova, the cause of my pain, the cause of all evil in the world, the cause of my agony, the cause of my sometimes unexpected bitterness, the cau-oh you get the gist." :)
The main criticism I have is that between Eden's siblings and friends, I had a hard time keeping up with all of the characters. Eve stands out a little bit because of her dog; but I would really like to see what characteristics, habits, hobbies, quirks and interests they all have fostered to distinguish themselves. What do Eve and Dan do now that they're done with school, for instance? What are Jade and Ryan's back stories and home lives like? Do they use email and texting, too, or only those with muggle and muggle-raised parents like Eden and James?
Basically, I think the main area to work on with this story is in developing the characters to make them stand out and to help readers to connect with them.
You say that you're uncertain about continuing or not, and I say, if you've got a story to tell then definitely continue! If you aren't completely happy with it once it's done, then you can always go back and revise. :)Author's Response: Hello Elphaba!
Thanks for the lovely review!
I will later define each of the characters and family members individually, so it's easier for people to tell them apart.
Thank you for the advise, and I will definetly continue! xo Report Review
Hello Vicky, teh tarik from the forums here with your requested review. Sorry it's taken me a few days to respond to your request!
I think you've got a great start to your story. The best written parts of this chapter are the opening paragraphs - the anecdote about Arthur, which just connected beautifully to Eden's direct and honest confession of her feelings of inadequacy: I believe that's a curse that I carry throughout my life. The feeling of never being good enough. This part was just incredibly well done, the writing was focused and succinct, the tone was dry and endearing - in fact it's so well-written that it feels like a completely different segment from the rest of the story. Somehow from the point Eden introduces herself directly to the reader starting with her name, the loveliness of the first couple of paragraphs is quite lost. The parts don't connect very well, so I'm suggesting that perhaps you cut out the (beautifully-written) beginning or you match the rest of the chapter (in terms of style and tone and voice) to the beginning.
Eden just has so many asides and comments (e.g. Confusing? Don't worry. You'll catch on. and Yes, I am a twin. Shocking, right?), and while some of them did certainly make me smile a little, other times they were a little jarring and just disrupted the narrative and flow of the story a little too often. Perhaps you could limit the amount of these expressions in the story - especially those that don't really say much.
As for the characters, I think Eden is very interesting but there is hardly enough detail about the kind of person she is. I would suggest you really pay close attention to detail, to the type of character she is, to how she behaves, and what she does and what she likes etc. As this is the first chapter, I think it's rather important to have a strong introduction of your main character / protagonist so she's memorable to the reader. I do think you introduced way too many OCs - all of them Eden's family members and friends. I think if you're going to introduce so many characters, each of them need to be distinct from each other - they need to have their own personalities and character traits...rather than relying on existing labels and stereotypes e.g. Fred as the player whom all the girls want to shag, or wicked mean girl, Becky as head girl. Otherwise this first chapter (especially the first part) will mostly be a haze of names rather than portraying any three dimensional realistic characters. I would also suggest some subtleties in your characterisation, and the way your characters react. E.g. some of them seem to be "dumbfounded" or "gasping" over really trivial things. Perhaps some of their reactions are a little over the top?
Also, I do think this chapter is rather long. Perhaps really tightening up the language and narrative would sharpen the focus of the story; I would suggest include more of the mysterious Jacob Malfoy in and much earlier, instead of setting up Eden's family and backstory and everything. I think your story would be loads more effective and funnier if this chapter were a little shorter and more compact, emotionally. Anyway, I think you've got a very interesting and promising story here. I honestly hope this review hasn't been too critical and that it will be of some help to you. Thanks for requesting at my thread and feel free to PM me if you have any questions about my review :)
-tehAuthor's Response: teh tarik, wow! A very long review, I must say! I've read this like seven times! I've taken everything you've said to mind and I will definetly incorporate them into later chapters!
Thanks again! xo Report Review
Hello! This is Faux from the forums with your requested review. I have a few comments for you:
Grammar/style: Your style is very casual, but it works for the story. It might be improved a bit with some help from a beta, who could help you to clear up awkward sentences (though you don't have too many) and spelling/grammar errors
Characters: You introduce a LOT of family members right off the bat, which is sort of overwhelming as you've just named them without really describing much about them. I would suggest that you either include a short description with each character that you name, or get rid of the list entirely and just introduce the siblings and half siblings as they appear in the story.
The little anecdote on Arthur at the beginning is also a bit confusing and might be unnecessary, because you sort of jump from topic to topic without a lot of prose to connect the different topics. Some more description and meditative prose could probably improve this.
Not a bad start!
FauxAuthor's Response: Hi Faux!
I am looking into a beta, I'm not sure how lonk It'll take me though.
The family members are a big plot of the story, though I've already named them, I will include futher description of them individually as the main character interacts with them.
The part with Arthur from the beginning is basically what drives the story forward. She did mention something about "not feeling like you're good enough" or close to that, and that's a big thing about her character. Arthur will still make his way to the story, once again as he's an intergral part.
Thanks for reviewing Faux! Report Review
Hello there! Siriusly89 here with your requested review! Sorry about the wait, life got all busy and annoying! But I'm here now :D
Your first momento of PURE GENIUS is Eve trying to get the poor hamster to swim! I do apreciate people who do odd things, as I am one of those people, and it makes me feel less alone :)
This is avery good base for a story! At the start I thought it was going to be a run-of-the-mill James II/OC story, but then BAM! You throw Jacob Malfoy into the mix, and now I'm very confused, and I want to know what went on between him and Eden!
So, you know where I am when you next upload a chappie :) I would be more than happy to review :DAuthor's Response: Hello! It's okay, life always gets in the way! xD
Eve is the definetion of the weird but lovable sister! Usually people describe their character's sister as perfect and the character feels less than perfect. But Eve's not that perfect if she drowned her hamster is she?
Jacob Malfoy makes everything better don't you think? A Malfoy is always good news. *sarcasm*
Thank you! xo Report Review
Well. This seems like an interesting start to an interesting story. Lots of relationships established already! Exciting!
You opened the story with that childhood flashback, and I'm guessing that that particular story will have resonance later on. Even if it doesn't, it gives us an interesting insight into the way Eden's mind works and how she might react later on.
I'm liking the big family already! It gives lots of opportunities for sibling shenanigans which can be quite fun! Already, Eve seems to have a lot of potential! Also, the fact that you mentioned Eden was awkward could give birth to some possibly comedic moments!
Jade sounds like a super-awesome friend, and I hope that later on, we can see her living up to her amazingly long title.
James sounds like an interesting guy, and I can see his and Eden's relationship taking some interesting twists and turns!
This was a great first chapter! I look forward to reading this further!Author's Response: HELLO! :D
The big family is my all-time favourite thing in the plot! It's just a billion times better when you have five brothers and two sisters!
Eden's awkwardness will eventually drive the story forward! And yes, Jade is an amazing friend! I really did love planning her!
James and Eden's relationship will develop somehow but they will have some bumpy rides to deal with.
Thank you for reviewing xo Report Review
Hey, darling, its Gabbie here with your requested review! Surprise! *Tosses confetti*
So I love Next Gen. I really don't mind if the kids are older or just starting out but I've read so many that they all seem to blur by. So, you have a pretty interesting OC character here and what a large family! I think Eden herself is a pretty standard girl, she doesn't seem really over the top and I sensed that you toned down the "unusual OC girl" cliche. She just seems like someone that I'd probably know, which is a good thing, it makes her seem real. What I can say is that there might be something in her character that you should bring up a bit more. From what I was reading, especially in the beginning, she has some insecurities about being sort of forgotten. You hinted at it but I would like a bit more, it would give her a tad more depth for me but other than that, she seems all right! I had to keep looking back up to see how many siblings she has and from which of her parents. It sort of confused me, I felt like there was too much information for just those few paragraphs but I got over it eventually.
Her home life is pretty wild though, I can see why she's got to be the responsible one. :3
With her relationship to her friends, I have to say that I liked it. They're like a melting pot of personalities and I liked that you gave us some good detail on each of them. From what I was reading, there's some sort of spark between her and James and I'm not sure if that's going to progress or not. Its sort of weird though, with the almost-kissing stuff going on in front of the others though and James is a tease. I don't approve! Hahahah.
I was a little put-off by Fred and Lucas though, they seem a little too similar when it comes to their treatment of girls. Maybe you can tone that down a bit and offer a bit more on them individually? That's just me though, perhaps speaking out of jealousy for not being able to snog Fred. :p
So, the rest of this chapter was pretty eye-opening for Eden! Her brother is Head Boy with a nasty girl?! I'd like to know a bit more about this Becky and why Eden hates her so much but wha? Why was Lucas snogging her? Since when did THAT happen?! And oh, how embarrassing for Eden, tripping and falling the way she did. I feel her pain! The ending was a bit of a surprise! With all the characters that you introduced, this one stood out to me a bit more! Not Scorpius Malfoy, huh? Jacob? Who is this?! So many questions popping up and I feel like I'm being cheated, you left on a cliffhanger. Naughty! ;)
So I think you should continue with this, you have enough things going on from just this one chapter that you can branch off on. I like your characters and found some grammar things but they didn't distract from the pacing at all. Keep going! Do it! :D
Much love and feel free to re-request!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hi Gabbie!
Next gen is my all time favourite era! *throws confetti*
Eden is the character that took me forever to plan. As the main character, I didn't want her to be too cliche'd and I also didn't want her to be too angsty. I'm pretty glad with how things are turning out so far though. She has insecurities like every girl there is, and I wanted that to show really well.
The big family is confusing at first, even I was confused! But you will eventually get used to who's who. I might have to address them in last names so it's noticeable.
James is my favourite next-gen character! I imagine him as this flirty, caring, sweet guy. So excuse him for teasing Eden! ;) I'm sorry but Fred is also mine, as is Albus and Scorpius and just about every male next-gen character there is.
There is a reason behind Lucas snogging Becky, he's not just doing it! He's not like Fred, he's different!
Ah yes, Eden is very clumsy like that, she falls a lot! AND Jacob Malfoy! YES JACOB MALFOY! NOT SCORPY BUT JACOB! All will be explained in later chapters, so watch out!
Thank you, I will certainly continue with this and I have checked over the grammar and made changes!
THANKS AGAIN GABBIE xo Report Review
Okay, so I'm here for your requested review, I'm finally getting around to it.
What I like is the fact that Eden gets along with her family even though her parents are divorced. Usually the character never likes her step-parents (and it gets a little bit cliche).
That being said, why does Eden hate Danielle, as far as I know, Danielle hasn't done anything wrong besides marry her dad. That would definitely be something that you could explain in later chapters so that the reader can get to know the main character better.
"To both be abstinence in fifth year," I don't think 'abstinence' is the correct word to be used in that sentence. I get that they're referring to the fact that Eden and Jade would stay single together and not date and I totally get that but abstinence isn't the word to use for a situation like that.
"Everyone laughed, except for Lucas, he shot me a deathly glare." I'm not sure if 'deathly' is a word but either way, it doesn't go with the sentence. I'd suggest changing it to "death glare" but that's just a suggestion, you don't have to take it from me.
"It's like THEIR trying to scar their kids," you used the wrong version of there/they're/their the first time. The correct version would've been "they're" so that it reads "it's like they're trying to scar their kids."
"With an incredibly amount of effort," the word incredibly doesn't fit in that sentence. You can add the word 'large' so that it reads "an incredibly large amount" or change incredibly to 'incredible'.
I know, I know, I'm being very specific and nitpicky but I can't help myself so bear with me.
"Hogwarts, Hogwarts he we come," you forgot the 're' in 'here'.
The part where they arrive on Platform 9 and 3/4 and you said that there were lots of people crying and laughing and then you listed all the different types of people. It wasn't necessary to list the different types of people because it sounds like you're saying that they're an entire different species of people.
The half-French, half-Italian fact came out of nowhere so that was a real surprise.
Last thing, I promise, you sometimes switch verb tenses and it can confuse a reader so you might want to keep a look out for that.
I liked the fact that Eden and James were friends, close friends, a lot of the times James is the enemy or something like that but there's very few times when James is the main character's close friend.
Anyway, you have no punctuation errors as far as I can tell but there are a few grammatical errors that I would suggest fixing. It's not a bad start to a story however.
~AlexfanAuthor's Response: Hello AlexFan!
Thank you so much for the critism and the correcting of all the errors I made. I skipped over it when I re-read it. But then again, I only read over it once, so that would explain it.
I've checked over the errors and made the necessary changes you suggested.
Thanks again for the critism, I'll be sure to request you next time for the next chapter. Hopefully you can help me with grammatical erros there too!
Thanks again xo Report Review
I think you should continue. This was a great first chapter!Author's Response: Thank you Ashley, I will xo Report Review
Hey there! I'm Courtney, here for your requested review!
Overall, I thought this was a very good first chapter and, in regard to your author's note, you should definitely keep writing! I'd personally be very interested to see where this goes next.
I liked the way you started this chapter, with a bit of a backstory about Eden's childhood. She said: 'I believe that's a curse that I carry throughout my life. The feeling of never being good enough' so I am already interested to see what this feeling is going to bring to the story.
I think you have already started developing Eden's character very nicely and I can't wait to see even more of her personality shine through in the next chapter. Thought to start with, I found the large number of family members a little confusing, I think this will become clearer as each sibling's character becomes more defined and I really liked the dynamics you've shown between the two families and many brothers and sisters. The fact that there's certain awkwardness between the four parents and the fact that Eden dislikes her step mother makes this family a lot more believable. I personally really enjoy it when there is a Muggle in the family, so I am looking forward to seeing what Trent brings to this story.
I think my favourite scene in this chapter was when Eden was meeting up with all her friends. You have already clearly defined their personalities which is great! I am already in love with Ryan and Eden's twin brother seems pretty cool, too. Oh, and Fred of course! How could I forget Fred? I think my favourite line was: '"If they start getting physical I swear to Harry Potter I will hex myself." Ryan groaned.' And it was very funny how James told him to stop swearing on his dad's name!
Speaking of James, I already think his friendship/relationship with Eden is very interesting. There are a lot of cliche love/hate relationships out there, so I am looking forward to seeing how this unique one plays out.
And Jacob Malfoy! What a nice twist at the end-I thought it was going to be Scorpius. I can't wait to see what happens next and finding out more about Jacob, Eden and the other marvellous characters you have started to create.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi Courtney!
The backstory is very important to the story, I had to make that very visible by starting the story off with it. There will be some references to the backstory throughout the story so watch out ;)
When I was planning the story, I did think that people would find the amount of family members incredibly confusing. At times, it will be hard to identify which brother is which. I didn't want them to be this snotty pureblood family so the fact that they live in a muggle neighbourhood with a muggle step-dad, hopefully pushes them away from that.
You've got to love Ryan, he's quite loveable. And Fred of course? He's amazing.
This story will eventually develop a lot more and get more unique. I really am hoping it doesn't turn out to be like the other ones you see, so I'm trying to differ.
Everyone was expecting Scorpius! I'm glad I didn't use Scorpius now, it's a different twist. And Jacob is as much a Malfoy as Scorpius is, so expect the unexpected ;)!
Thank you so much for this amazing review Courtney, I've decided that I will carry on and see where this takes me. xo Report Review
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