Reading Reviews for The Elementals
  
10 Reviews Found

Review #1, by siriusgirl1 Shameless Brilliance

30th July 2013:
An auspicious start. It might be helpful if it were established from the get-go that Rose is in her first year. Leaving it to be revealed by referencing her age in the Elemental discussion serves no real purpose. It will also give readers a better mental picture of Rose, so they expect an 11 year old to be having these problems, not say, a 6th year. This is also important because it mentions her taking Arithmancy classes, which were not offered to first or second years in canon.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I'm so glad you mentioned the Arithmancy thing... I'm pretty sure I went back and fixed it after the fact.

Thanks again,
Simone


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Review #2, by marauderfan Shameless Brilliance

15th July 2013:
Hello, here with your requested review! Sorry it's taken a few days, the house cup has been crazy! ;)

This is such an interesting start. I have really no idea where it's going, but I like that. It adds an element of mystery. :)

I also like how you've written Blaise. Clearly he has changed since the war, and its nice to see him as a professor who is unbiased and thinks of a Weasley as his favourite student (given his opinions of Weasleys in the books.) The little quirks you've given his character are great too, like the tendency to spin in swivel chairs! It makes him just that much more of a "real" person to me.

I think McGonagall seemed a bit off though - I don't think she'd do anything quite as unsophisticated as snorting, which she does twice in this. Otherwise, she was fine :)

There was a paragraph that was worded kind of oddly:

but she had become a Squib in a matter of weeks. Rose was a very bright, bouncy girl, but it was obvious that this bothered her to no end. Frankly, Blaise thought she ought to be more concerned.

If it (I'm assuming "this" is referring to her being a squib) bothered her to no end, why does he think she should be more concerned? She sounds like she's quite concerned already.

Overall, great start! I'm really curious what the Elementals are, and I think you did well creating an atmosphere of mystery!

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Review #3, by rozen_maiden BFFDs

11th July 2013:
Hmm, this has really gotten interesting. You asked me some questions on the forums, so I think I'll answer them first.
Rose: I like your version of Rose: she is sweet and obviously powerful, however she also come across as innocent and naive. I have a feeling she may be the ice elemental, but I'm not quite sure ... After reading how cold she was in the bed, I assumed that somebody would feel at home in their element. Which makes me wonder if she is all of them?
Divina: She works well. She is comes across as mysterious, but yet she holds herself like she isn't holding anything back. She works brilliantly against Rose's innocence--it accentuates her own personality very well, as Rose's curiosity seems to conflict with her mysterious aura.
As I said, this plotline is original and really sticks out on this website (in the best of ways). Your style of writing is straight to the point, which works very well in such a complex plotline. I really want to see what they will be able to do with their powers (especially Divina). You've really hit the nail on the head, and it was great to read something different :) Keep it going, because this has potential to be really great!

- Mahalia

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Review #4, by rozen_maiden Shameless Brilliance

11th July 2013:
Hello, it's Mahalia here from the forums :)

So, obviously this is just the first chapter, but you have really caught my intention. This is a very original concept, and a really, really interesting one at that. To have something as unique as your 'Elementals' really expands the world of Hogwarts for me, and I think you incorporated it quite well.
Blaise Zabini I thought was an interesting choice of a DADA teacher, and I was surprised to read that he liked the Rose and McGonagall (only because he is quite firmly against Ginny Weasley in the books).
That said, I liked his attitude. McGonagall was also quite illusive and a mystery in this chapter, and it does make me want to read on.
... Which I will do right now :) Great first chapter all in all!

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Review #5, by DumbledoresArmyOfOne The Shae

30th June 2013:
Don't worry about knowing what to do - you're a writer, so you get to make up your own rules!

This is a very interesting AU. The Elementals are a really cool idea (i really like the Shae's names!) and Divina seems quite nice for being the personification of death.

One thing I'm not really sure about it Rose's characterization. It wouldn't hurt to dwell a little more on her emotions, her perceptions of her new life - I'd imagine an eleven year old girl would be anxious about leaving home, her family and the world she knew, maybe apprehensive about what was in store for her, or even fear and distrust of the elementals around her.

I know it's early on, but so far Rose seems a little two dimensional, so maybe you could flesh her out a bit.

I do like your side characters though! Borvo was fun, and I love the dog! Divina is... intriguing ;). I really liked your description of the hierarchy of the Elementals- it's nice to see some organization amid the chaos of a new world.

You may want to read this chapter over critically, or get a Beta as I found a few spelling and grammar mistakes.

Also, your story could really be fleshed out by some more description. I noticed a couple of phrases like "this place in the woods" or "this big rock", that could definitely use some qualifiers. Just remember that generalization is the death of authors. I appreciate how the plot moves along quickly, but be careful of making it seem rushed- don't forget to stop and describe the roses, I guess. :)

Normally, when I'm confronted with such a wacky AU, I back away slowly, but something about your story has sparked my interest.

(Also, killer summary- really made me want to read the story!!!)

So keep on writing! It's a really interesting premise, and I can see lots of potential in the plot and in your writing!

Keep writing, and, as a wise man once said, don't forget to be awesome!
~Gilly

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

I do plan on having an entire chapter following Rose's day. I am writing Rose to make her sound sort of superficial at first, but it is good to know what is overkill. And I'll be sure to add more detail as soon as the queue opens again!

Thanks again,
Simone


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Review #6, by KiwiOliver Shameless Brilliance

30th June 2013:
'Ello there, KiwiOliver with your RR:
I really like this idea! A group of Wizards who stopped using wands and are super epic and awesome! :) It's a great plot and I think you're pulling it off really well!
I like your characters a lot, they seem very real and I particularly like the way you've portrayed McGonagall :)
I should also point out that I'm so happy to see a story featuring Blaise that isn't either a bad boy romance or one that makes him out to be horrible :) Props for that!
I like the idea about the elementals, however I have a couple of CC's. Mainly that they're apparently a secret group, yet Blaise knows about them? And I think maybe a little extra information on them would be helpful to the reader, even a paragraph of what Blaise thinks about them. (Just to give us a bit of extra detail on them.)
Those aren't CC's that need immediate attention so don't worry, in fact they're that little that they don't take from your story at all. It's brilliant! I just thought I should give you some points instead of just boosting your ego :p
Feel free to re-request the next chapter :)
KO

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

The idea was that there was a legend or story that talked about them, and that Blaise had heard the story. But I will be sure to add a bit more detail- maybe something along the lines of a bedtime story he had been told during childhood?

Thanks for the feedback,
Simone


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Review #7, by Gabriella Hunter Shameless Brilliance

29th June 2013:
Hello!

Hey there, its Gabbie with your requested review and its a pleasure to meet you and all that junk. So thsi is a very interesting story indeed! I really love stories like this, they're so unique and to dash in some Hogwarts is always very fun. This was very short but I enjoyed it and I like your writing style too, I was able to get into Blaise's character without any problem.
The added little details about Rose were pretty interesting too. With her, there's always a unique way to write her and I'm curious to see what you do with her character later on. The loss of magic and how her family might feel if McGonagall gives her to the Elementals just hints at really great future chapters. I can't wait to see what you do later on down the line!
The mystery about the Elementals themselves will keep me hooked on this for a while. I'm all for strange things and I can't wait to hear your backstory on it!
So no CC's or anything and feel free to re-request! This is easy to follow and didn't confuse me at all so I hope you keep writing!
Much love,
Gabbie

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Review #8, by Ernie_the_Dino The Shae

18th February 2013:
I like the whole secret hiding clan - I like Divina's character. And how she is adapting to have conversation with another person - like she's only ever talked to Griselda.

x

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Review #9, by hiddenbyhair The Shae

2nd February 2013:
love this, it's rather mysterious and dark, yet not to the point were one cannot enjoy. sorry about my last review, i was rushed

Author's Response: Don't worry; I'm not judging. New chapter out in three weeks or so.

Thanks for reviewing!
Simone


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Review #10, by hiddenbyhair Shameless Brilliance

2nd February 2013:
such a cool idea, cool

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