Okay, here for review #2 for the Review Battle!

I think something that would really improve this story, and this chapter in particular, is a deeper, more developed characterization of Hermione. Right now, I see a lot of things about her that are contradictory. That's not necessarily bad, since people are naturally complex, but I think you should add in more detail to explain her choices. For example, I had a hard time picturing Hermione from canon deriding Hufflepuff--though I could maybe see her making a comment about how Cormac's determination makes him fit for Slytherin, in a moment of panic. Her reaction to the kiss was confusing as well; it's a little cliche and unrealistic for someone to really hate someone else and then feel overwhelmed with passion when the other person kisses them. The Hermione I'm familiar with would be pursuing assault charges after everything Cormac did to her, and she definitely wouldn't be going to Slughorn's party with him. It's a good move to try to make the characters your own, but your story will stand out as stronger if you try to provide clearer motivation for their unorthodox actions.

That said, there were several things I noted that seemed like pure Hermione to me, which I loved. For one, I think it's totally plausible that she wouldn't tell Harry and Ron about Cormac because she didn't want to start trouble. I also liked how she gently woke Neville and sent him to bed; that was compassionate and rather motherly of her.

In a similar vein, Cormac's behavior there at the end was confusing. Why go so far with Hermione physically throughout the day and then suddenly back off? It seems like her protests didn't really bother him that much before, so I don't understand the sudden change of tune. It's fine to slow the pace down and really take some time to develop your characters and their interaction with one another. In fact, it helps to clarify their decisions.

I noticed the same thing I pointed out about the tenses happening again in this chapter. I just wanted to mention it as a reminder to you, if you want to change it.

As of now, it's hard for me to decide if I would like Hermione and Cormac to get together. I don't feel as if I know them well enough to make that decision. I definitely do think this story has potential and it would be interesting to return to it later and see how I feel about the pairing then.

Hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks again! I would have to say this is not my best chapter by far. I just kind of wrote it at like 12 am without really thinking about what I was writing and never looked at it again. I'm probably going to go back and rewrite most of it this summer because of the contradictory characterization and tense problems. Normally, I'm very conscious of my tenses, but I didn't pay attention very well on this story. >.<
Thanks again for your lovely reviews! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

Hello! This is review one of two for the Review Battle!

This was cute. I thought it was funny how Hermione said her dress was pink and, as such, she figured Cormac wouldn't have trouble matching her. He must not be so macho after all! I like, too, how she tries to be independent and make her own decisions about her romantic life, though she clearly still carries a torch for Ron.

Two nitpicks--

I'm embarrassed to say that I can't quite figure out if this is meant to be a parody or not. If you were going for a parody, this line: Cormac is a very attractive bloke though, with his curly golden hair and chiseled features, and probably solid abs and body to go along with his pretty face because of all his Quidditch training... well, it's perfect. If not, I'd consider taking it out or providing more of an explanation as to how Quidditch would produce such a perfect physique. It's just a bit cliche is all.

The other thing is just that I noticed a slight tense change from the first part of the chapter to when Cormac showed up. Hermione was talking in present tense ("Ron is being..." "I hope...") and then she switched to past tense ("He exclaimed..." "I nodded..."). I would just choose one and go back and make the whole chapter be in that one tense, or maybe use some kind of flashback at the start.

I'm worried this review is going to come across as harsh. I certainly don't mean for it to do that--just trying to be constructive and provide some feedback. I'm going to go on to chapter two because I'm interested to see what the party will bring :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: First of all, thanks for the very detailed review! :) Regarding your first nitpick--yes, it's a parody of sorts, kind of portraying Hermione as a bit more shallow than she should be while still retaining her independence and courage.

Ah, tenses. I haven't looked at this since March, I think, so it needs editing. At this point I just wanted it up and out there to give me time to write more of Love Makes Me (awful, I know right?). I will go back and edit this during the summer so that should fix it. :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

please tell me your going to have Hermione and Cormac get together

Author's Response: To be honest, I don't know whether or not I will yet! Most likely it'll end up with someone together though. :) Thanks for the review! xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

make her end up with Ron!

Author's Response: I'll have to see what I feel like doing! It depends on how the party goes as well ;) Thanks for your opinion! xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

it will be very interesting to see how Hermione can affect comac. keep it up. Good job

Author's Response: Thank you! I plan to have another chapter of LMM up before I post any more of this or TToDM, but I'm going to try to update TToDM before this since it's long overdue for an update. Thanks for the review and the favorites! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

Hey there!

This plot is definitely quite original as I hardly ever come across stories written from Hermione's POV that portray her as a normal teenage girl, and not the brightest witch of her age (or the extreme - as someone utterly gorgeous etc.). I liked your characterisation of her and the thought process. I liked the way you briefly touched upon her anger with Ron and irritation with Cormac. Good work there.

I also liked the way you wrote Cormac's dialogues, they seemed very in-character which was good. I am not sure if he talks like "what do ya say" though, so maybe you should polish his lines a bit.

Another CC I have for you is that perhaps you shouldn't jump into your story action instantly. This is the first chapter so you should build up to the events. If you don't want the entire chapter to be introductory, you should at least have a first paragraph that establishes the setting and explains the situation, before coming to Hermione's rant.

Also, more description would have been a nice touch to the narrative, as this was a little too short. Moreover, Hermione is someone who analyses and thinks a lot, so more description would have made it a lot more believable. A balance between description and dialogue usually makes the story flow smoother as well, so maybe you should work on that.

But apart from that, this seems like a pretty acceptable start to the story. You ended this chapter at an interesting note too which is nice. Your plot seems to be headed in a good direction so do continue writing.

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: AditiDraco95-

First of all, thank you for the ridiculously long and detailed review, it makes me happy that someone chooses to take so much time to leave a review that long :)

With this story, this first chapter was just kind of a "write-and-post" where I had inspiration to write it, wrote it, and then just posted it without really editing it. I am going to go back and edit this chapter though once I have the second chapter (edited of course) posted and my other stories updated.

I think Cormac is one of those player sort of guys who will go after whoever strikes his fancy and once he's got them and done what he wants then he'll just leave them because he's found someone new. But even though I'm a hardcore Dramione shipper, I might end this with Hermione and Cormac together. :)

I usually have more description than I did in this chapter, but like I said earlier, I just wrote this without really thinking of plot lines and important details. I will add some more of Hermione analyzing things in the next chapter (I made sure to do some of that--i.e. more thought process and such).

The next chapter takes place at dinner this same night and then later on the same day. I'll try to make sure I keep your ideas and comments in mind! Thanks again for the lovely and thoughtful review! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

I have never read a story like this, written from Hermione's POV during the books. It's out of my comfort zone so to say but I liked this first chapter a lot.

It's like a breath of fresh air, seeing Hermione like a teenage girl with teenage problems and not just the brightest witch of her age. And indeed, that escalated quickly. Why don't boys get that a date doesn't mean we want a relationship and a date, especially a first date, is more an interview than an opportunity to kiss and cuddle?

I'm curious to see where you'll go with this story! This was very good (although rather short) start! Good job!

Author's Response: THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO!! Hermione is a girl and she is going to have problems so why not write about them? :) I would agree with your "breath of fresh air" statement too because I have read a lot of fanfics that make her so mature and stuff and it just doesn't seem all that real. Thank you for the kind review, I should have a chapter posted sometime soon! xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

Excellent start. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm currently beta-ing a story and trying to write 3 stories simultaneously and keep up with homework and track practice so it may be a while until I update this again. Thanks for the review! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

first i wanna say that the banner's totally osom! wow the briht red colour and then the funny pic of hermione..wow it's really really amazing!!! well hermione/cormac comes under 'other pairing' right? So where do you have to go and check out this storyy?

well the chpter was nice! i'll surely read further chapters.
dramione rockz,
shinichi

Author's Response: Haha thank you I have to credit Marauders_MWPP at TDA for it :) The pairing comes under Hermione/OC, so you can check it out there or on my page. I'm writing the next chapter of it simultaneously with another of LMM so it'll be up eventually. :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review

i want to say that i am liking ur story nd i would like to read the further chapters. I am very unhappy that people are not reviewing! Do write further please,,for the sake of your lovely reviewers!!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I think that just because this story isn't canon and the pairing isn't as popular is why it's not getting many reads/reviews. And I haven't added anything new yet either. LMM first! xx
~MadiMalfoly

 Report Review

This is the first book I've read on this site and actually liked. I don't care if it's oly 1 chapter it's a lot better than some of the other books. So it's beautiful!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! You are actually my first reviewer for this story, so cookies for you! :) I'm currently on hold with this story as I want my main one "Love Makes Me" to get more posted and get up to 100 reviews! Go read that as well and thanks for the lovely review, I appreciate it so much!! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

 Report Review