Hello! Mya here with the review swap! :)
I really haven't ever read anything w vampires here so thats really unique!
I like how Jake tries to get his rights. He deserves them!
The story was funny in multiple parts but I did feel the characterization was a bit all over the space. It makes sense in the first chapter, but maybe you could re- read the story and try to fix the little glitches?
Besides that I thought this was a great start! Report Review
Gah! I love this! This is actually great! You know how the trend is these days for all paranormal teenage romances to have either vampires, werewolves, or angels, and I just can't get into them, but this is absolute gold!
Can I just say that I adore Jack already? He's such a wonderful character. We've just met him, and I can already feel like I can relate, not with the whole being a vampire and all, but with feeling like you don't belong anywhere at all - and you did this all with such a light and humourous touch!
Which leads me to my next point. I think you have a wonderful author's voice. I don't think I've read anything of your's before, so this was a great introduction! You have the right amount of wit and sass and humour to make me smile. Another thing I like is that your chapters are quite short. It makes it easier to read in one sitting at work, when you're taking a "coffee break" - for me, at least! I know that as the story progresses, I'll want longer and longer chapters, but for now, this was awesome!
I see this story only has three chapters, but I hope that you continue with this! It's such a unique idea (because you're right; you don't get much fanfiction about vampires in the Potterverse)! I can't wait to read more about Jack! Report Review
Hello! Here for your requested review!
I am so glad that you re-requested, since I am really enjoying this story and wanted to read further =)
I was pleased to see that, as you promised in your previous author's response, you showed some more character development in Jack in this chapter. In fact, I take back what I said in my previous review(s) about not having enough character development. Currently, I am loving your characterisation of Jack, you seem to be revealing all these aspects about his personality bit by bit in every chapter which is an awesome strategy, and I am crazy to have overlooked that! The way you delved into his personality gradually, it definitely maintains my interest, and keeps me hooked to his character.
I loved that you showed this "moral" side to him, where he feels horrified of feeding on an old lady. I liked that part where he couldnt grasp the will humans have to keep living even though their body is giving up, it showed this insecure, almost scared side to him - since 60 years, he's used to being immortal, to not have his body deteriorate, so the horror he feels at the thought of being in the old lady's position, is very justified. I think that scene really showed a lot about his personality, so great job. Similarly, I loved the part where he puts on those Disguiso-Specs (or whatever they were called) and sees his face as a human, and then begs his friend to have them again. I think that part too shows a lot about his personality, of him having this almost childish desire to be somewhat human and to be accepted. I think the two scenes (of the specs and the old lady) contrasted very well, and showed this conflicting complex trait in Jack. You've really crafted him well, so hats off! I cant wait to see more of how you portray him!
I like Rorp too, and its great that you decided to focus a little more on the minor/supporting characters in the story, as opposed to how you wrote previously, though of course, Rorp plays a bigger role I guess. I'd love to know more about him to, and wished that you'd explored him a little further than you did, but I am hoping that we'll see more into him in the upcoming chapters.
The Prussian Court clan seems to be very interesting indeed and I think, with the snippets of information you provided about them, you've succeeded in creating this intrigue or curiosity around them. Talking about the clan, I must compliment you on the way you wrote the newspaper article - I think it was brilliantly written, and very spot-on, just like I'd imagine it to be. Good job!
And of course, Alison (that was her name wasn't it) has me intrigued now, since it was her that commanded Jack apparently. Its great the way you have developed the air of mystery regarding her being a Ministry personnel, and ambushing Jack and Rorp. The ending was powerful with that, though the last two sentences sounded a little off - maybe you could rephrase them to sound a little more in flow?
That was about the characterisations. Coming to the humour, I think you succeeded in maintaining a balance in this chapter too. The opening of the chapter was humorous, but as it progressed, it became mysterious and more serious. I think that its good that you aren't overdoing the humour, and not
forcing it into the story, but if you aim for it to be a prominent genre of the story, you'll need to bring in a little more humour in the story than there already is (I say this because humour is listed as one of your genres). However, I do think your writing style is balanced which is very good so you couldn't change that. If you do want to maintain humour as a main genre though, put in more humour in your dialogue, and situations. Otherwise, you can leave it as it is =)
One more minor thing I'd like to say, is to maybe work on your descriptions. In some places, they're really good, but in some places, I feel the scene could do with some more. For example, the scene where Jack puts on the specs and sees himself as a human in the mirror, instead of just expressing it through dialogue that he looked human, and just telling the action that Jack did, it would have been nicer (at least for me) to have more description/detail in the narrative saying what Jack looked like. For instance, something like "Jack gasped as he saw there was colour in his cheekbones and his lips evenly shaped..." - that is awful of course but I was just giving an example. What I mean to say is, in such kind of scenes, more details are appreciated, especially if you're talking about physical appearances or scenic views, or even descriptions of the streets, etc. - those kind of things require more visual descriptions than usual.
Besides that, the over all flow, pace, and grammar of the chapter was pretty good, and apart from the very minor things I said in the above paragraphs, I don't think I have much CC to give you. It's good to see that you utilised my advice about not ending segments in dialogue, as that has made this flow so much smoother. Another little advice I'd give regarding that is, instead of using three asterixes (***) at the end of your segments, use a horizontal page break option (available in the HPFF editor thing) as that would make it easier to discern scene break-offs.
All in all though, this was a very well-written chapter, and I could see great improvement from chapters 1 and 2, so great job! I really liked it and I think you're headed in an awesome direction with this story. Please feel free to re-request for the next chapter when its posted!
P.S. Sorry for the awfully long review, I didn't realize I rambled so much! It was an awesome chapter though =)Author's Response: Hey there!
It's wonderful that you came back gladly :) Sometimes I imagine reviewers groaning as they click on my link, thinking ugh not again, haha.
Believe it or not, your advice was pretty high on the list of things I kept in mind when writing the chapter. It was really good advice, after all! That said, I must admit that I like the asterixes. I can't seem to relax when reading stories that use the horizontal line, just because you would never see that in a book. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I just can't get used to unconventional formatting XD Also, I find that *** are less rough as a transition. It's a question of taste, I guess!
Actually, I was quite unsure of the humour in this story. I thought about it, but realized that there is no way I can tastefully portray an old-lady being sucked dry of her blood in a humourful way :P . I hope there ARE people who can do it, though, that would be quite an achievement! And since the chapter is centered around that scene, I guess I couldn't get my mood onto the right wavelength. So this is one of the more serious chapters. Now that you mention it, I suppose I'll put humour as a sub-genre of the story to be safe.
As to descriptions, I will see what I can do! Apparently, I failed a bit towards the end, since the text seems to have mislead you in terms of who Alison is...Hm, that shows that I really need to polish that bit, and I will get onto it asap. Oh, and thank you for commenting on the article. I also felt that I did pretty well on it, that's the reason I left it in the text (initially I thought it wasn't necessary) - so I'm glad to be confirmed in that regard!
Once again, thank you for a wonderful review! I will be more than happy to re-request as soon as the next chapter is complete. And I hope Jack doesn't disappoint :) Report Review
It's pretty cool that Jack feels for humans, even just a little. Vampires are usually portrayed as evil and inhuman or brooding, guilt-ridden time bombs, who can't stop after a drop of blood, but hate themselves afterwards, Jack just seems to have morals. Now he's even more awesome than before.
This new clan sound interesting, I can't wait to meet them. And I loved the addition of Rorp, he seems cool (though I think all vampires are cool, purely because they're vampires :P). And the familiar woman, didn't see that coming.
Antique Weasley product! Wow! :D
Can't wait to read more of this!
Sam.Author's Response: heeey! Yay so happy you came back!
Yeah, I always found it a bit, well, simple to make vampires appear so strongly opposed to their own nature. Jack can control his blood-thirst just as we can keep ourselves from clearing the shelves when we are passing by, say, a supermarket (well, sometimes anyways :P). What bothers him is more the way, to others, he is first and foremost a vampire and only if they get to know him can he be just an individual. That said, I do understand the reasons behind the broody, self-hating vampires. As a metaphor of our own, urban conflict between civilization and our more intinct-diven physical nature, they work just fine. But I prefer to not demonize the civilizational constraints or the instinctive drives. Jack is just trying to find a balance. And I'm glad that you feel his moral side is redeeming :)
Oh and haha glad you liked the antique Weasley product :D The twins are never going to stop being absolute LEGEND :D Report Review
Hi, i'm here for your requested review! Sorry for the delay!
I don't think vampire stories are very often explored in HPFF but then it is a genre that i don't really read so I may be mistaken when I say that. So in that I think the story is unique
So, you asked for the meat? Well, i will try. :P
Characterization wise i felt like he was a little everywhere. It's okay for a character to be inconsistent because people are like that sometimes but usually that would be over a whole story and not just in one scene. I think he could be an interesting character but i had a hard time really connecting with him. I think it might have come from me not being able to figure him out. Some questions i have of him are - does he actually believe in the cause? Why was here there? Is he sarcastic or serious? I think the confusion comes from his quickly changing moods. One point he's feeling the protest, the next annoyed that no one is accepting him, then realizing that he's a predator and going into his little fit. It all happened quite quickly. I think if you just cleaned that up a bit he would be a very believable character. I also had a hard time imagining his fit and his snapping of teeth at people. It seemed a little forced. But i think it comes from his changing attitudes.
Humour wise I think there are some funny parts. Some of his wording about needing a pass to be part of the protest was nicely done. Also, the irony that everyone was more scared of a Vampire than the other creatures that were around them (banshee's, giant's, ogre's etc) seemed a bit funny. He seems to have a drier sort of humour which is a nice change from many of the over the top slapstick ff that are out there.
I think your descriptions can use some work as well. Generally speaking it's not bad but i think it will help flesh out your character a bit more if the descriptions are bit more fleshed out. What does the square look like? Are there ministry officials around the protest and what are they doing? You had a good part with the muggle couple walking by, it added an overarching look at what was happening. I'm also curious to have a clue about the era of this. I'm guessing next gen at some point because of the house elf fighting for rights (did that come from Hermione's reforms?)
I hope you found this review helpful and thanks for requesting me. I did enjoy being introduced to this! :PAuthor's Response: Hey :)
Thank you for coming by!
I appreciate your point about characterization. I had actually already tried fixing him a bit, but I suppose I need to do more. The way I pictured the scene wasn't really from his pov (and yet it did morph into his pov towards the end), which is why Jack might appear incomplete. The main point was to throw the reader into the chaotic mess of the creatures' protest,not really to introduce Jack. I wonder what else I can do, since this is just an intro chapter...But I'll try my best :)
To answer some of your questions: Jack is at the protest, because he feels discriminated against as a vampire. I tried to imply this indirectly by having even the other protesters dislike him for what he is. I suppose I failed most at showing how he slowly goes from being optimistic, to annoyed to hopelessly giving up during his conversation with the elf and the orge, so I will try to make that transition clearer somehow. The flip out is indeed odd and it was intended this way, since, again, what this story is about is how odd and out of place vampires can be ;)
The exact era will be mentioned later, but it can be termed New New Gen, if you will. Hermione is no longer around, but her legacy lives on (sort of, I guess).
As to description, I will see what I can do there as well! I actually had an entire paragraph describing a bored Auror that was supervising the protest, but it didn't quite flow with the rest. I resorted to mentioning the Aurors briefly in Jack's thoughts as he flips out. I guess it's too sublte and doesn't stick :P
Thank you for your suggestions and I hope you enjoyed the read :)
Hey, dear. So sorry for taking so long to get to your requested review. I'm afraid things got extremely busy in my offline life. Anyway, on to the chapter, yes? :D
So, first of all, I really liked getting glimpses of Jack in his every day life, but I think what I would have liked is a little bit 'more'. While I was reading him in Madame Malkin's, I was wondering why he was there. Is he trying to fit in with wizards? Is this a usual thing that vampires do - just shop in regular wizard/muggle shops and pretend they aren't vampires? Just a little bit of background to give us a sense about his "culture" would have helped flesh out the first part.
As far as the second, I liked his interaction with the witches. It was fun to see the struggle there and the tension between the two worlds. I liked how you described the hostel as "contributing to the landscape of the city with the picturesque mold patterns of its exterior" and I thought "In the name of the Fae" was really clever.
I did notice that some of your non-dialogue sentences got a bit long. Personally, I find that when you're writing humour, it's usually best to stick to shorter sentences, because otherwise, it's easier for the reader to lose the point. Basically, one punchline per sentence would be my rule of thumb. "By the end, Jack's lips had completely cramped up from trying to hide the inch-long fangs underneath and he had rushed out of the store with little on his mind except the possible ethical implications of tearing somebody's throat out." You could break that up into two sentences by removing the "and" in the center, and I think that would make that sentence more readable and the pair of clauses funnier. Like, the idea of his lips cramping up is funny, and so is him rushing out with nothing on his mind but the idea of the 'ethical implications," but it basically took too long for me to realize you were saying more than one thing in that sentence. There are other places where you could break up your sentences, but that's just one example.
I think the only other thing I would suggest is making the girls' change in attitude from giggling idiots to actually worried and running off scared more pronounced. It was really subtle at the end, but I would have liked to actually -see- the smiles slowly fade and the eyes widen as the realization hits them that this guy might actually be dangerous. And I'd also like to know at what point that happens. What triggers that realization?
Overall, I thought it was very clever and imaginative, and I like that you clearly brought in your own humour a lot more. I hope that the suggestions I made make sense and are helpful, but if you have any questions, feel free to PM me on the forums.
cypress Report Review
Hey there! It's me again, thank you for re-requesting!
I have to admit, this chapter definitely wasn't what I was expecting. In saying that, I really, really enjoyed it, and your characterization of Jack is starting to come along very nicely.
It was a strange way to start, what with Jack at Madam Malkins but it worked, nevertheless. I think this scene really showed what a struggle it must be for Jack, living among witches and wizards and those who are not at all like him. I thought the last line of the first scene was just perfect-'“Oh, I see. So you’re English then? I was wondering because, you know, I can’t remember anyone not being able to use a mirror out of cultural reasons before,” she mused conversationally. “Thought maybe you were from someplace exotic….” Love it!
I like that, at times, you have a humourous look at vampires. Like the fact that Jack can't talk very much in public in fear of revealing his fangs and that he's awful with girls. I thought his interactions with said girls was very funny. You have sense of humour that seems to come naturally. This bit: '“So you like…drink blood?”
“Ew,” the girls chorused, screwing up their lip-glossed mouths into identical pouts' was absolutely gold, and just classically perfect! The girls seemed slightly bimboish which worked really well.
I can't wait to see you develop Jack's character even more, and I am hoping that we will start to see some other main characters coming forward. Nice work on this chapter-it was much more balanced than the first and worked very well.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hey, thank you for getting back to me :D
As you probably guessed, this was very much an exposition chapter, haha, but one that I hope was still a bit more than just an infodump. Since vampires are so rare in HP, I felt that I had to introduce the struggles of their daily existence in greater detail than I would with a different kind of character. I'm happy that you found some of his struggles funny, I was going for that! It's not generally easy to make vampires funny, but I think in HP they just are.
The last sentence of the first scene is my favourite too! It's great that you noticed it. I feel that I accomplished several things with it, such as underline Jack's awkwardness and also remind the reader that vampires can't see their own reflection, which is relevant for later in the story.
The bimbos I was worried about, very much, because a bimbo in a story is usually a bad sign about the intellectual quality of the story...and I had not only one, but three! I'm happy you seem to think it worked nevertheless and I promise that these girls are far from done with Jack, hehe.
More main characters and character development are indeed on the menu for chapter three :) Thank you for the review!
Cheers! Report Review
Hello again, here for your requested review!
To be honest, I didn't expect for the story to go in this direction xP
Jack seems sort of a badass, but not too much, and he definitely makes me chuckle quite a lot! I am liking how you're characterising him, though I think it would have been better if you had developed his character a little more than you did in this chapter.
In the first chapter, we got to know him quite some, and yet not enough. So, I was expecting to get to know him a little more as I move on further in the story, but I was a tad disappointed to see not much of character development.
Don't worry though, it's not that much of a major issue =) I am sure you can develop him in the further chapters, at your own comfortable pace. I think it is just me who likes character developments to happen with each chapter, but some writers prefer taking it slow, so it's okay.
Anyway, as I was saying, I like how you've crafted him over all, and I liked the small information we got on him - about him being 60 years old and being able to hypnotize muggles and all.
The inclusion of the girls was clever as it gave you a way to reveal a tad bit more about Jack, and at the same, give the chapter its humorous edge.
The writing style was balanced in this one too, and I should say you're doing pretty good, so keep it that way throughout the story :) This flowed well too, though the transition from Madam Malkin's to the Youth Hostel seemed a tad abrupt, but since you put in the three asterixes, it was okay. I'd suggest though (for future) to not end a segment with a dialogue as that is what tends to make the transition from one segment to another sound a little abrupt. If one segment ends in description, and the other begins in description as well, it works much better.
The grammar was fine in this chapter as well, I didn't spot any big errors or anything, though again I'd suggest toning down the use of the "..." (three dots). Also, I spotted a tiny mistake here:
“…In a way, yes.” Jack sighed...
In that sentence, there should actually be a comma after "yes" and not a period. I don't think you've made such mistakes anywhere else, so I think it must have been a typo, but I still suggest giving this a quick re-read and fixing any such errors you see :)
Apart from that, I liked this chapter a lot too. I was pleased to see some more description and detail in this chapter as compared to the previous one, like when you described the Youth Hostel. That was quite good :)
The manner in which you portrayed a little of Jack's "thirst" and his efforts to not reveal his vampirism was well-written - funny yet serious in a way at the same time. I laughed out loud at his interaction with the girls though, poor bloke, lol.
I think you ended this on a fine note, intriguing in a way, which definitely makes the readers want to read further so good job.
One thing though, I don't know whether I was being a little dim-witted or not, but I couldn't really understand if Jack worked at the Youth Hostel or he was staying there as a guest, very clearly. I am inclined to think that he works there, but your descriptions didn't make it quite clear (either that or I am being dim-witted). If you think you made it quite clear (and only I couldn't get it), no need to worry, but otherwise I'd suggest trying to be a little more clear and precise in your narrative so readers can understand the aspects of the story clearly.
Apart from that, this made for another great read. You've got a pretty nice story going and do keep writing.
I hope my reviews were a little helpful, or if not, at least you liked them =P
Feel free to re-request!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hey again :D
Hm, you make a great point about not ending segments in dialogue. I've never thought about it this way, but of course you are right, that does contribute to the abruptness of the transition! I'm a film student, and in film we often cut a scene in the middle of dialogue because that adds more significance the what is said, sort of like comic pause in trailers ;). The written word, though, has a completely different language of flow and connectedness, so I do need to make sure I adjust the way I visualize my story to fit the opportunities that narrative and description offer. Thank you for pointing this out!
As to Jack's character development, I've had to take it slow for several reasons. One is what I mentioned in my reply for chapter 1, namely the need to explain things. I'm two chapters in and I still havn't set up everything I need to set up. Since the story is mainly a "what if", I decided to go into explaining what it is to be a vampire in the wizarding world before really delving into who Jack is. I think that it would be easier for the reader to understand him if we know the extent of his abilities and everyday obstacles. A tad bit more character development in scheduled for chapter 3, though ;)
I'm glad you liked the inclusion of the girls. I was afraid it might seem either forced or superficial, but I decided to keep the part anyways because I just enjoyed writing it so much. Besides, I felt it let us get to know Jack a bit better while also being a great way to sneak in some exposition, hehe.
Thank you for the reviews, they did indeed help very much! If you don't mind, I think I will re-request once ch. 3 is up. Report Review
Here for your requested review!
Well, to be honest, I am a bit wary when it comes to reading such "extraordinary" stories in HP fanfiction, dealing with vampires and such, but needless to say, you have cleared all my doubts.
This seems to be pretty different from the usual cliche portrayal of vampires, even in the HP universe (of fanfiction), and I enjoyed it.
You asked me to "leave the sandwich" and "give you the meat", but frankly, I dont have much critique to give you, because well, I liked this a lot and didn't see any major issues on which I can give you CC xD
Anyway, Let me begin talking about your concerns now :)
Firstly, your characterisations, in my opinion, were pretty good! Jack the vampire was pretty fun to read - his portrayal as a vampire was spot-on, and you gave him that humorous edge too. I liked how he was trying to "fit in" with the protesting creatures, and then got angry and began protesting against the protest, haha. The way he made his exit was pretty cool. I love that he can turn into a bat xP I loved the inclusion of the Ogre and the house-elf, and the way you showed their characters - again it was quite spot-on, and very funny too, in a good way :) So, I liked all your characters over all so far, and the information you gave on them didn't seem to be too much for a first chapter, and wasn't too little either, particularly about Jack, which was good.
As for your writing style, I am enjoying it. Even though this is a humorous story, you've maintained a serious narrative and given it that added humour effect - maintaining the right balance - which is perfect. Some writers incorporate humour directly in their narrative (adopting a silly, over-the-top funny writing style) and I detest that, so I am glad you didn't do anything of that sort, and wrote this like a normal story :) The narrative flowed smoothly, and the pace and structure was fitting as well. So, you definitely get a thumbs up on your writing style and narrative!
Coming to the humour, I have already talked some about it before. You have succeeded in maintaining a balance with the humour, not taking it overboard and not making it non-humour either. It is also quite witty, and not (thankfully) lame. The subtle indications towards it are well-placed, such as the interactions between Binky and Jack, and the Ogre and Jack. One of the many examples of what I liked (humour-wise) was this sentence - "He hadn’t realized that being part of the strongly aromatic herd of the wizarding world’s most disenfranchised, gutter-dwelling underdogs required an elite membership card." - it made me chuckle xD
Next, your descriptions are brilliant. They are simple and comprehensive, yet of a good writing quality. They are captivating enough to keep the reader interested in the story, at least in my opinion. I would suggest using a little more imagery though, if you can, in your descriptions as it will give an even better effect to your already-stable narrative. For instance, explain certain scenes, appearances, emotions etc. using little more "visual" devices if you get what I mean. Some more detail, more vividness, in some scenes is always good. For instance the scene where Jack turns into a bat and flies away, more detail would have made the scene much more surreal and appealing. Like that, if you give the flavour of imagery and detail to certain nice scenes throughout your writing, it will add to its value. That's just a little suggestion though :)
Finally, the grammar, I was pleased to see, was near-perfect (a rarity in fanfictions really). Your sentence phrasings, punctuations, tenses etc. seemed all quite in order to me, so good job there. I'd like to give a little piece of advice though, to remove the "..." in your writing. It makes the writing seem so much more informal and in a way moves away from the otherwise good grammar maintenance. Instead, I'd suggest using single periods [.] or semi-colons [;] depending on the sentence requirement. Apart from that, your grammar was quite okay.
So, wrapping things up, I'd like to say that this seems to be a very nice and different story, and I like the way you have set the plot in this first opening chapter. Your characters seem pretty fleshed out, humour is balanced, grammar is fine, descriptions are more or less okay, and your narrative with its smooth flow and suited pace is well-written.
I liked reading this chapter quite a lot, and apart from the few small points I've mentioned, I don't have much critique to give you. Good work!!
P.S. Since I have given a pretty much in-depth review of this chapter here, and your over all writing too, my review on the next chapter is likely to be shorter and less detailed - I hope that's okay!Author's Response: Hey:)
I'm usually also quite reserved when it comes to over-the-top elements in fanfiction, because usually the topic never gets enough thematic depth due to,well, the fact that too much has to be explained and it either never is or that is ALL the story does. I was afraid my story might end up going in the same direction, because, well it's about vampires in an already complete world that doesn't really have vampires. I'm really happy that you seem to think I'm on the right path nevertheless :D:D
Thank you for your points on the humour! I was actually in doubt about whether I should add a quirkier narrative voice. But I have also never liked the manic OMG RANDOMNESS AND WEIRDNESS sort of style very much, so I was a bit torn about useing it. I personally prefer the type of humour that draws attention to absurdities while maintaining a connection to reality and for that, a serious tone is necessary. So you helped me make up my mind about this for good :D
As to descriptions, I will take your suggestions into account. This is something I've been working on (Well, trying to). I still can't seem to get the hand of when to add more detail and when less. I hate to slow down the narrative, so usually I settle for less.
You make a good point about the "..." Believe it or not, I used to use them even more before :P, but realized that they look and read rather awkwardly. As you see, old habits die hard, though. I think I use them because I feel they contribute to the rythm of the narrative. Ofcourse, there are other ways of doind such things, so thank you for reminding me!
And thank you for the review, it helped me gain some perspective on where I personally want the story to go :) Report Review
I love Jack. I'm pretty sure that, by the end, he was wishing he should have kept his mouth shut. I would have. :P It would be embarrassing to boast about being immortal, then having nothing more to say because you're not that old and haven't met anyone (oh, what era is this, can I ask?).
I would love to stay at Merdric's. Seems interesting. I'd be sitting at the front, talking to Jack. I'd think we get on okay. :P
Can't wait for more. Definitely being added to my favorites now. :D
Sam.Author's Response: oh yay thank you!!
I'm thrilled that you came back :D
As Jack's humble creator, I'd say that, yes, he was indeed kicking himself very hard by the end of that conversation ^^
As to the era, it's undefined but thought to be New Gen and beyond. In the next chapter, for example, there will be "antique Weasley objects", so it's a good 50 years after the war. And, as you see, not much has changed in the wizarding world since then according to my predictions. Because, well,knowing the wizarding world, I don't know if much would have.
You are always welcome at Merdric's! Jack could use the company. Just beware of moody gremlins and highly political rat clans in the basement!
Hello! Siriusly89 here with your requested review :)
Sorry about the wait, but I was vair busy over the last week!
Just a note before I begin, I review as I read, so if this makes no sense at all, I apologise in advance :P
I love the house-elfs bracelet! Hermione would be proud :P Now that I think of it, it was probably her that commissioned them :) I also like how they draw back the minute they find out he is a vampire! Quite racist if you ask me! Vampires deserve rights as well! I also like the 'No more Mister Nice-Guy' statement, makes it sound like he's going to get up to all sorts of shenanigans!
If you ever need another review, you know where I am :)Author's Response: Hey there!
You made perfect sense, no worries ;)
I actually haven't decided if Hermione is even alive at the time of this story, but I'm sure her influence is all over that protest :D
Yeah, the other magical creatures are predjudiced too! I brought this in to show that even the underdogs are never angels, haha.
Thank you for the review!
Cheers! Report Review
Hi there! Here I am, for your requested review:)
I have to say, I'm a HUGE fan of vampires, though you're right-we certainly don't see them a lot in the Harry Potter books, and when we do, we don't find out a lot about the type of vampires they are, which gives you a lot of room to play with.
I really like the idea of the story, and I am certainly interested to see where you are going to take it next. Your characterization of Jack so far is pretty good. He definitely seems like a...'not quite the norm' vampire, slightly cheeky and with a good sense of humour, which I love. I am hoping to see you develop him even more next chapter-I feel as though his characterization was hindered slightly in this chapter because of how many characters you introduced in a short space of time.
In saying that, I find the way you have written each different magical creature really interesting. I think my favourite creature (aside from Jack of course) had to be the Ogre. I liked the fact that he didn't believe Jack to be one of them-the 'simple folk' as he called them (nice touch by the way) and he was slightly bloodthirsty and ogre-ish, without becoming cliche or stereotypical. By the way, I loved this line: '“Aye, “The ogre confirmed from above. “Notin’ wrong wid good ol’ honest meat. But blud, tha’s… un-natural.” I don't know why, but it made me laugh:)
I'm not quite sure why but, as a whole, I find that this chapter is a LITTLE bit clunky and disjointed. Maybe this is because the chapter is mostly made up of the characters speaking to each other, which gets a little confusing at times and I feel as though Jack, your main character, gets a little...lost if that makes sense. Because this chapter is from his point of view, be sure to always have him at the forefront of the action. I think (and this is a very unprofessional opinion so feel free to ignore me) that that would really take your writing up another notch.
But overall, this is a very interesting chapter, different from anything else I've seen on this site, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes next.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hey Courtney!
Thank you for coming by! It's wonderful that you like the idea of the story and Jack! I hope to be able to develope both further in the next chapters.
Among all the different interpretations I've gotten, almost everyone seemed to agree that the chapter seems a bit chaotic. I'm not sure why I didn't feel this myself when writing, but looking back, i do see it. I guess I wrote it this way because, if you've ever been part of a protesting crowd, you'll know it FEELS chaotic, haha.
I've already edited in some more descriptions of the surroundings to give some perspective. As to Jack, I'm thinking of including a few more sentences about his motivations in order to offer the reader a better idea of who he really is.
The chapter is probably beyond saving and will remain cluncky for ever, but I hope maybe a bit less so :)
Haha, yes the ogre...I really like him too and am even considering bringing him in later again. Actually, the protesters were thought up to make a one-time appearance, mostly for the sake of exposition:P
Thank you for the review!
Hey it's patronus_charm with your review! I haven't read many vampire stories before so I don't have much experience but hopefully I'll be able to help anyway! You sounded quite excited about being ripped apart by I feel mean doing that so I'll try and be nice as well :)
I haven't read many stories focused on the magical creatures of the HP world so I found it really interesting to read this. I think one my favourite parts was the house elf rebelling against the abuse it faced.
I found that introducing so many characters in such a short chapter left it a bit disjointed and confusing at time however if you develope these characters in the next chapter I'm sure the confusion will go :)
I liked the twist at the end that Jack wasn't actually on their side but was in fact protesting their protest and supported in the ministry as that created another dynamic to the story.
I didn't notice any spelling errors other than the ones I think were done on purpose. Perhaps you could use a little more description in the next chapter just so you get a sense of how exactly the characters are acting and what they look like as they would draw the reader in them.
Overall I really liked it as I've never really come across a story like this before so it was an interesting change. Your second chapter isn't up yet but feel free to re-request when it is :) KianaAuthor's Response: hey :) Well that was quick,thank you for getting to my request so very promptly :D And just on time, since I am currently editing the chapter.
I blew past my own vampire phase a couple of years ago (it was coupled with a goth phase, surprisingly enough haha), but I have never really been into them. I think they are kind of silly, with their pointy little fangs and their very, very terrrifying ability to turn into a bat! Argh! Hate bats, they give me the creeps, those fluffy devils!
But the magical creature's challenge got me thinking along the "what if..." path and I like speculative fiction. The conclusion was: being a vampire in the HP universe must be a royal pain. Hence Jack.
It seems that I have confused my reader about Jack. Yes, he is protesting the protest, but more spontaneously. He actually just wanted to try standing up for his rights...and gave up pretty quickly as soon as he realized there was no group that wouldaccept his charming yet blood-sucking self. You seem to be under the impression that he is working for the ministry...what an amazing idea! It's funny because I was thinking of having him be recruited by the ministry later in the story, but then changed my mind. It is clear to me that Jack's motivations ned a make-over and I will get right to it.
Thank you for the review! Report Review
Hi there! cypress here with your requested review. :)
The ogre, the placards, the way you describe the house-elf, the half-troll mother-of-five, her square children...very, very funny. I loved those elements of your story - the little tidbits of wry humour poking fun at the creatures. I think you've got a really solid plot here, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it!
You did a great job using a nice variety of verbs and adjectives. You matched your words to the character, like where you had the ogre snarl and the houseelf squeak. Those little things really helped distinguish those characters.
As far as things you can improve...and I'm being as critical as possible because you asked me to...
Characterization: I glanced over your other reviews, and I have to say, I didn't get the same idea about Jack being a mischievous character who might have bee there for the possibilities. On my first read I thought he was a serious protester, so I was a bit surprised at his roaring at the end! But reading it a second time, I could see where your other reviewer was coming from. Basically, I'd like to know more about Jack. Is he a bit of a trouble-maker? Is he honestly offended when the other creatures reject him? You set up your supporting characters really well, but your main character has to be that and way more. I'd like to know a bit about his motivation for being there. Maybe make it a bit clearer in the beginning that he IS there. We see you taking about Jack, but we don't know he's human until the ogre says so. What does he look like? What is he thinking about? Is he nervous? Nonchalant? Serious? Just looking for a good time?
Setting: I think a bit more description about the setting - where are they exactly? Are they in the middle of muggle London? Are they in some secluded arena? Where exactly is this gravel they're stepping on? What time of day is it? Time of year? And how many people are we talking? Is Jack a lone human among a sea of oddly-shaped creatures? Or is this a "large" protest of two-dozen beings and beasts so that he'd be very noticeable?
Humour: I'm going to preface this by saying, bravo. Humour is really, really, REALLY hard to write, and even harder to write well. You're doing a great job so far, but you shouldn't be afraid to let a bit more of your own sense of humour shine through. Your response to your first review made me laugh because you said something about how bats aren't exactly intimidating unless you have a phobia of bats/flying mice. Wry humour like that, that states a fact in a way that points out the ridiculousness of the fact, is a good way to make a story funny. Situational irony helps, too, and you have that, but a few more sarcastic phrases peppered in and I think it would be even better. Like, right before he roars for example, or when he's responding to the others' comments.
Active voice: Using active rather than passive verbs will help keep your story moving. You did a good job of this for the most part, but another proofread couldn't hurt since it's for a challenge. Example: "He jabbed his sign towards the night sky like a spear, allowing it to be briefly illuminated by the scarce light of near-by lanterns." You could change this to "He jabbed his sign towards the night sky like a spear. The scarce light of near-by lanterns illuminated it briefly." The verb phrase "was illuminated" was passive and sort of dragged the sentence out and complicated it. Your story is really action driven (which is great!!) so I recommend that you choose your verbs to match. I didn't see a lot of this, mind, but I saw it at least the once so I thought I'd mention it.
Flow and pacing: I think you did a good job with these overall, but I wouldn't have minded a bit more description and character development, especially since we're dealing with an OC and especially since this is going to be multiple chapters. That will help slow the pacing a bit, too, so you don't go from "Here's Jack" to "Whoops! There goes Jack" too quickly.
I think that's all I have for now, but if you have any questions about the stuff I've suggested, feel free to PM me. :) Of course, these are just suggestions, You don't have to do any or all of it, but I tried to give you as much to work with as possible. Overall, though, like I said, I think you've got a great plot and your story was well-constructed. Hope this helps!Author's Response: Oh, hey! You are quick as lightning, you! Thank you for getting to my request so soon :D
The humour works? *Phew* I never know these things. I'm the type who laughs at all the wrong places during sit-coms and plays and what-not, even during class...it can get very embarassing!
I found that you bring up some good points. For me, Jack's character was clear as day when I was writing..but now I'm faced with conflicting interpretations and something must be done. My idea was that he is on the nerdy side but with lots of pent-up anger. Hence the serious protesting and hence, also, the flip-out. In a way, he is jaded and doesn't take the protest seriously from the start. But in a different way, he is also rational and reflective enough to be fully behind the idea of equal rights. I see that this might not be as easy to bring accross as I thought! I shall see what I can do.
As to the setting, I struggled a bit...and settled for dropping hints here and there without going into it much. The lanterns in the beginning imply it is night time (otherwize Jack would be toast and the story would be a very short one). Towards the end, we find out that the protest is in front of the Ministry of Magic building. The size of the protest, hm... it appears information is lacking int hat regard. I imaged it would be a rather cozy gathering...I'll see how I can bring that in, thank you for pointing it out!
As to the passive sentences, also a good point! I'll see to it that this scene gets fleshed out more in the process of some re-reading. At first I tried to make it a bit minimalist because 1) I just really wanted to have a short chapter, for once! Ugh, always the 3000-4000 word chapters that no one wants to read...2)I imagined this as a prologue of sorts to the actual story. It was supposed to seem chaotic and confusing, simply to have the reader feel the same relief as Jack when he flies away from that mess. I'm starting to think that I'll drop that brilliant idea and stick to making sense instead :P
So, again, this was a wonderful review, thank you very much :D If you don't mind, I think I'll be re-requesting once some more of the story is up! Report Review
Ah, Jack. I love this guy. He seems immediately to be a devilish, self-effacing character, revelling in all the the shouting and conflict that comes along with a protest - he's in fact grinning at it. Seems like he's not so much there for his rights, but because he sees it as a situation with all sorts of fun possibilities.
Your placards and the house-elf's button are hilarious.
When Jack started roaring and making a spectacle of himself I half expected your story to turn into something similar to the last scenes of 'The Cabin in the Woods', but I see he's winging it off to live (unlive?) another day.
I have thought about vampires in the HP world sort of offhandedly, but only along the lines that they exist. Now you put out the question, I'm not sure what they'd be like? Hopefully not old and boring.
Overall loved it, and I can't find any criticism :-)Author's Response: Wow, you picked up on Jack's insane streak pretty early on! I wasn't going to bring it in until later in the story, but looks like I just couldn't hold back :P
The way I imagined it was that, for now, he is actually more the serious, nerdy type. He gets an episode of the vampire shouts at the end due to pent up frustration. But the way I conceive him,Jack is an intelligent, reflective type...which means that you are correct to say that he wasn't really at the protest for the "right" reasons...he is simply too jaded to believe in something as trivial as a protest. And I tried to show through my descriptions of his surroundings how he prefers to see the ugly and unpleasant over the good in things.
Thank you for leaving this review, it has helped me see the story in a slightly different way and got me inspired to add a few things into later chapters that I would have otherwize not thought of :D Report Review
Vampires! Yay! Vampire stories are so hard to find here, I was getting tired of reading my own. :P
Anyway... This was a different opening to a vampire story, no, any story, I've ever read here. It was unique and fresh and awesome. I love Jack already. It's just not fair for him; magical creatures protesting for rights look down on anther magical creature. *shakes head*
And he turns into a bat. I loved that!
I look forward to reading more of this. :)
Sam.Author's Response: Ohhh yay thank you so much!
For some reason, vampires seem like such an odd thing to be in the HP universe (which is why, I guess, they are mentioned only once or so).I suppose it's because, traditionally, vampires are elitist and powerful, but in HP that descriptions fits the pure blood families to the letter, excpet maybe for the blood sucking (unless you take it metaphorically).
So I decided to write a story that turns the awkwardness of vampires into a theme instead of changing the myth to make them fit. Hence Jack turning into a bat ;) I always thought that was the silliest part of being a vampire. Unless your enemies have a bat/flying mouse phobia, the ability is hardly intimidating :p
I'm glad you like the story so far, do come back for more :D Report Review
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