Hey, -BookDinosaur- here with your requested review!
So, I love the way you started off on this chapter with some action straightaway. I think the short-sentences-on-new-lines thing was a good way of narrating, I haven't read many stories like that before, or if I have I didn't like them much, but you managed to pull it off, so well done there. :)
One thing, while they're at the pub (actually, just the fact they all went down to the pub together to comfort Dom) suggests that they are a really close-knit group, but then all Rose's friends abandon her, even Valentine, who can see this guy being creepy. I think it would make more sense if he trapped her while she was coming out of the toilets or coming back from the bar. Still, this is just a suggestion!
I think that your plot is really interesting-it made me want to read more, that's for sure-and I think that you have a really good base for a story here, I really can't wait to see where you take this. Also, there was good foreshadowing in the last line, I really want to find out what happens next.
Rose's character development was good, I can see quite a lot of her personality already. I especially liked how kind she was to the house elf. I mean, I know it's a small thing, but I found it really sweet.
My CC for you would just be to read through this chapter again, I saw some spelling and grammar errors which disrupted the flow of the story abit, but nothing too major.
All in all a really good first chapter that left me wanting to read more.Author's Response: Hello there! Thanks for getting back to me so quickly, and with such an awesome review too! :)
Thank you! I wanted to really get the effect that the reader was looking in to Rose's thoughts, and I hoped the short snappy sentences might get that across! So thank you for pointing that out!
That is a brilliant suggestion! I think that's a good idea, I'll definitely do that, as it makes more sense. If the group is so close, then I can see why it's unlikely they'd just all abandon her.
I'm really pleased you thought the plot was alright! Thanks! I wanted to add a kind of cliff hanger, so yeah - that's so nice of you! I'm also really happy you thought her character development was good, because I was really worrying I didn't develop her much.
Okay, thanks! I'll go back and edit at some point, and check all my typos! This was such a useful review, and it'll really help improve my work! Thanks so much for such a lovely review :)
Haha I said that it would probably take ages to get all of these reviews done, but Iím already on my last now!
I liked the brief descriptions you mixed in with the dialogue it was a really nice touch, and we could then relate what, Dom for example, looked like while she spoke. It also merged well with your style of writing.
I generally donít like the direct, and to the point narrative but here it really worked well. It meant that we got the basic facts about each character, and that meant we got a sense of who we were. It was a really interesting way of putting them, and I may even try it myself in the future.
It was really cool how you tied in the canon characters as well. It made it have a more Harry Potter feel to it, and you could see how it connected to everything. By doing that, it just makes next gen that much more successful, well in my opinion anyway, so it was cool to see that done.
I liked the sense of mystery you also built into the story, and I can see how itís going to develop into a cool vampire one. This isnít related to my previous point, but Iíll say it anyway. I really liked your characterisation of Rose, it meant it was a nice and funny narrative to follow. I also liked Scorpius and he seemed to have this sort of freshness about him!
The only thing I would suggest is that there were few tense slip-ups now and then, when you went into present tense and the majority of the story was in past. So you may want to review those!
Look at me all done! Itís been fun reading your stories, and I hope you liked the reviews:D
-Kiana :DAuthor's Response: I'm thrilled, and rather impressed, you managed to get three reviews done in such a short space of time - and they're so detailed and long too!
The narrative isn't usually my first choice, but I thought I'd challenge myself, because I find third person much easier to write. I like to have a balance of canon, just to not overwhelm the reader with new characters.
I didn't intend it to be a mystery, but it kind of turned out to be one, so that's awesome you liked it! I find Rose quite hard to write, because she's been done so many times before. Scorpius is such a complex and cool character, because J.K.Rowling left it open so Scorpius could be this evil malicious slytherin or this kind gryffie.
I'll definitely go back and change the tenses! Oops! Thanks for pointing that out :)
Yaay!! Your reviews have been so helpful, encouraging and awesome! They're so kind and long! Thank you so much for your reviews- you're awesome! :D Report Review
Oh Rose is having a really rough day, isn't she?? I can absolutely sympathize with her distaste for being woken early on Saturday mornings. I hate getting up early, but especially when it's a weekend.
I really wanted to make her tell her family what's going on in this chapter. I mean, I knew she wouldn't because it's too soon for you to let that happen (naughty author!) but still, they could help! Between them and their parents' brain power, something could be figured out!
I think that the Weasley/Potter Clan Meeting was very amusing! I love all their contrasting personalities, it was so funny! Molly was the best and her 'impending doom' kind of attitude :P
And Scorpius! What are you thinking showing up! Poor Rose must have really been caught off guard to simply be able to nod her head... she's usually so ready with her snappy remarks. And now!! Can this clan perhaps tie into what's happened to Rose?? Ohh I do love a good mystery!
Last review I mentioned grammatical things with your dialogue, so I won't mention it again, but do you mind if I make a suggestion? You have a really great and amusing start here, and it's very easy to slip into. One thing I feel like I'm craving though is more understanding of who these people are. Just small bits of description can really help with this. You do it well with Rose, like when you describe her annoyance at being woken up on Saturday. It's a small thing but it helps create a more realistic person. This is harder to do with first person and have it pertain to other characters obviously, but just things like, -- I could tell Roxy didn't believe me, her always knowing eyes searching mind a second too long before placing the biscuits down, but she at least pretended to. -- I've expanded on what you basically said to give Roxy just a bit more to her. Adding these throughout the entire chapter is just small suggestion make your characters feel as realistic as possible :). Feel free to ignore me, though! This chapter was still lovely the way it is, and I'm excited to see where you take us next!
♥JamiAuthor's Response: It was so lovely to receive another long, sweet review from you! Thank you so much!
I'm glad you found it amusing - I love creating different personalities for different people - and I always think of Moly Weasley as a seriously cute hufflepuff! :)
Oops sorry - I will go back through spell check again!! I do think I need to add more description - you don't mind if I use your example, do you? It's brilliant advice, thank you Jami! I will definitely go back and edit/add some bits!
Thank you for reviewing - you're totally awesome and your reviews are legendary :D Report Review
Hi there! Here for chapter two!
I have to say that I'm impressed with how Rose is taking this. I couldn't help but love her disgust of the first garment Scorpius had suggested. It's bed enough she doesn't have her own clothes to wear, and probably looks like a wreck. Then to add what sounded like a terribly ugly dress to the mix... I don't think I'd have taken too kindly to that offer either :P
I really enjoyed the joking banter between them in this first section. I especially loved the Scorpius didn't know what was wrong with the outfit. He wouldn't. Men.
The transition from her cleaning up in the shower to hiding behind the sofa was done really well. You moved us along without it feeling rushed, and Rose for go explore her strength a bit. I loved that she'd thought about being one of the monsters from the horror girls.
Awe i loved how concerned Hermione is. And tying back into Ron's little escaped with the car so many years ago was so creative!!
This chapter was really entertaining! And it moved the plot long nicely! The only thing I'd suggest is reformatting your dialogue so that each new speaker starts with its own paragraph.
JamiAuthor's Response: This is such a lovely review - thank you very much for stopping by! I'm glad you disapproved of Scorpius' taste as well...and mostly because of the fact of men ;) I'm glad you thought it went smoothly because I was a bit worried whether I'd rushed it a long a bit too fast. Thanks for the handy tip on dialogue too - I hadn't a clue how to format it! :D Thanks so much for a lovely long sweet review, you're awesome!!
~ Sophie x Report Review
Hi there! I couldn't resist reading a bit of Rose Scorpius vampire! ALSO! Happy Birthday! I read your Teddy story a while back and wanted an excuse to read something else of yours, so I hope I don't mind gobbling you up to review for myself :)
I really enjoy how quickly you started us off in the story. We got to see a bit or Rose's life with her cousins and her personality. You've really made her a diverse character. She has a nice dry sense of humor, a bit of a bookworm, but still enjoy sports. And I really enjoy that she gets along with her family, even if Dom may be a bit dramatic from the sounds of it :P
The tradition of the group going for drinks when someone is broken up with is so funny and awesome. It was a small detail that made our characters feel very close. I also liked Rose's reluctance to meet the eyes of the stranger, but now I'm really wish her friends would have stuck by her :(.
I think that the idea of no one paying attention to her obvious need for help sort of went against the very close group you built up previously. What if the stranger somehow lured her away? Like, he was normal when he went over there and discussed his book with her or something. Then when the group goes to leave, he can want to ask her a quick question and she can hang behind. Then that's when he can kidnap her? How you have it now doesn't take away from the story or anything, so feel free to ignore that :P
And Scorpius! And the blood! I LOVED that she accidentally drank it but that it was exactly what she needed!! That was a really great note to end your first chapter on.
What a compelling story! Your dialogue punctuation has a few issues here and there. Just things like:
"-apart from Flitch-Ē He helpfully cut in.---
The 'h' in he should be lowercase. When what's coming next ties into the dialogue, that's always a lowercase unless it's a name or something :). Just little mechanical errors, nothing big!
I really liked the intensity that this started out with!! And I hope you had a wonderful birthday ♥Author's Response: Eeeek! Thank you so so much for a loveeely detailed review! Thanks for pointing out about the grammar and punctuation - it was a very useful point - and I definitely agree about it not being so believable. Thanks for helping with the grammar too - I do struggle with it a bit :) I'm so glad you liked it - this AWESOME review made my week! It was so sweet and generous of you to review, thank you :D Report Review
Val is wonderful. Can I say how funny I find the image of her stuffing her face with chicken wings?
I'm wondering how long it'll take everyone to find out about Rose's secret...
And Scorose action already, heee! I can't wait to see more of that soon as well :)
Wonderful chapter Sophibilus Somethingus Ican'trememberwhatitwasus &heartsAuthor's Response: Thankyouthankyouthankyou so much for such a lovely review!!! *WEEK MADE* You are wonderful Val, thank you so much for reviewing this yay :D Report Review
I'm here, finally! this is also the hundredth review I'm leaving, and it's especially for you :)
Oh Merlin, I feel so sorry for Rose. She has to cope with both Scorpius Malfoy and being a vampire, not to mention both things are linked and are probably going to turn out as a huge jumble, poor girl.
You can't just leave us (me) hanging here! Your last line is too foreshadowing, I don't like it. Scorpius isn't going to go and blab, is he? If he does, I will find him and injure him. *nods*
On a completely side note, methinks Val is absolutely fambubblybumshus. AND SHE HAS SUCH AN AWESOME NAME!
(TCG is going up today for you)Author's Response: ERMEHGERD Val you are the sweetest reviewer! Thank you thank you thank you! i've read this 100 times!!
I promise I'm going to review TCG and ekk! Looking forward to reading it - I'm sure it will be extremely fambubblybumshus!! :D Report Review
Nice title by the way, it caught my attention! I like this a lot and its off to a great start! Finally a vampire that does not sparkle.Author's Response: Woo! Go unsparkly vamps!! Thank you again, your seriously awesome!!! :D Report Review
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