Reading Reviews for Starlight
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by CambAngst Starlight

24th June 2013:
Hi, sophie! Sorry for taking a bit to get to this, but I was away last week. Without further ado, here is your June review swap review:

I love Bill and Fleur as a pairing, so I really loved the whole premise of your story. There was a wonderfuly undertone of affection and mutual appreciation that ran through it, a testament to the depth and strength of the bond that these two shared. From their first meeting, you captured that funny sort of awkwardness that two people who are completely, hopelessly smitten with one another often share.

Your Fleur was a study in contrasting emotions and intense highs and lows, which I though was a really good characterization for her. Right off the bat, you set her up as a very complex young woman who's still struggling a bit to figure out who she wants to be:

This was a respectable job, and she wanted it to prove to her mother and father that she could be able, she could have a job for what she was like on the inside, not on the outside.

contrasted with:

Fleur had mastered the art of walking in high heels when she was eleven. She was still indignant to taking it off her CV.

A desire to be taken seriously as a capable, intelligent adult, but offset with a bit of girlish vanity. A wonderful Fleur Delacour.

Bill, for his part, has some interesting contrasts of his own. There's more than a bit of cockiness and self-assurance in his character. The Head Boy, the curse breaker, the guy who's confident enough to show up late to a date with the gorgeous girl from France. But around her, he becomes awkward and seemingly more than a little shy. Something about the twist in his personality when she apparates them away from the wedding really cemented the effect, I thought. Overall, a great job with him, too.

I think my biggest suggestion revolves around pace and structure. You selected, I think, six distinct eras of their relationship in this story. (First meeting/first date, proposal, wedding, finding out they were pregnant, married with young children and growing old together) All except the first one and the last one felt pretty rushed to me, and there were even some things about the first and last ones that I would have loved to see you draw out more. It's a lot of subject matter to try to cover in less than 5,000 words. When you delve deeper into a scene, like in the first section, you do such a wonderful job with the imagery and details. I would have liked to see you bring that same depth and breadth to all six sections. This would make an awesome short story collection, I think.

OK, let's go through it section by section:

-- First meeting/first date -- This was definitely my favorite section, owing to the length and the detail you put into it. There were only two things that I found off-putting. One, your sentence/paragraph structure was very odd. Lots of one-sentence paragraphs. If you meant for it to be that way, I would suggest double-spacing your paragraphs for readability's sake, but I think it would read a lot smoother if you combined a lot of the short sentences into paragraphs. Second thing was the use of cars. I always had the impression that the fact that Arthur Weasley owned a car -- albeit an enchanted one -- made him even more of an oddity among wizards than he already was. So the cars bugged me, probably more than they should have.

I thought that switching to the busboy's PoV was a brilliant touch, by the way.

Two typos: slipping a fat gnrled finger under the envelope fold - gnarled; listenign to an interview wih the new minister for magic on the radio - listening.

-- Proposal -- I love the way that this shows Fleur's volatile, hot-and-cold temperament and the way that she knocks Bill right out of his self-assured, Head Boy mentality. Even the way she accepts his proposal was a great touch. The main thing I wanted for this section was a longer, better set-up. There was a lot of reading between the lines involved to figure out the particulars of this scene, and the marriage proposal sort of comes out of nowhere as it's written. For me, it would have been better if you'd made it clear up front that they had been dating for a while at this point. I also think you need to translate your French phrases in an Author's Note or inline. Non-English phrases without a translation are against the rules.

Three typos: Now she was slipping through her fingers - his fingers; Though Bill wasn't a veyr superstitious person - very; 
They'd been together for one a half years now - one and a half.

-- Wedding -- Another really good section that just needs a bit more, I though. I would have loved to read more of Fleur's conflicting emotions in the moments just before and after she apparates them away. It must have been so difficult for her, leaving so many friends and loved ones behind.

-- We're pregnant -- This section probably felt the most rushed. This is the mother of all emotional moments for a young couple.


-- Young children -- The kids were really adorable in this section, especially little Louis. I loved the tip of the hat to George and the mischief he manages to cause, even when he's not around. The only thing I noticed is that Victoire is too young (9, I believe) to have a wand. She wouldn't be able to use it, even if she did.

-- Growing old -- This was a beautiful section. I wouldn't really change a thing.

I hope this didn't come off as overly negative. Unfortunately, I only get so many words and I wanted to try to help as much as I could. You have a lot of really awesome ideas in here and I guess the main thing I was thinking was more, More, MORE!

Author's Response: This review is so so helpful - thank you so much for such a long and detailed review! It really helped me improve it!

I love Bill/Fleur as a pairing too! I tried to match their personalties as much as possible, to make them more of a realistic couple, so I'm pleased you thought I did that okay! Yay! Haha, I did try to make Fleur like that - in my mind she tries to make herself look something, and is something else actually. Awh, thank you! I did try quite hard to match her up to the one in the book and portray her as best as I could!

Good ideas -- thanks for the typos, by the way, I find it really helpful when people point them out to me because my document often misses words out on spell check :/ That and a combination of just plain laziness and missing out the errors! So thank you!

I've also translated the lines! Thanks, I did forget to do that. And I can agree with all of that - I did completely rush the pregnancy one!
I'm glad you liked the old section at the end - I thought I might have over done, as it was quite cheesy!

Hahah, this is an awesome review! You're awesome for taking the time to write all of this for me! Thanks Dan, for such a helpful review :)


 Report Review

Review #2, by Jchrissy Starlight

17th June 2013:
Hi lovely! It's been way too long since I played at your AP!

This was such a sweet story. Fleur and Bill are one of my soft spots. I loved the way you showed little snapshots of their lives all the way through!

The start of it, with Fleur nervous about the interview but wanting to stay and prove she could be something for herself, not just for her looks, was perfect. That exemplifies a lot of my feelings for Fleur and just made me really happy.

I think the note about seeing a small fleck of disappointment in her mother's eye helped round her out as well. I think showing that even the princess could let her parents down ever now and then is really an important thing.

Then her horror at how it had gone when speaking with Bill - awesome! I'm sure she did great, but she's Fleur and a drama queen and that catered to her personality perfectly!

I honestly started getting worried that she was stood up by Bill, and I really loved the waiters feelings about her. Can you blame him for being disappointed when he saw her date had arrived? Ha! Poor guy!

The post wedding craziness, then the sweet moment she told him she was pregnant and moving into motherhood were all so sweet. I think you kept her the same women while adding in the changes that her life gave her, bringing her a bit more down to earth and allowing her to become less of a self involved person, all created a lovely picture of her. It makes me so happy when an author can do Fleur justice, because I think it happens so infrequently.

Mind if I offer a bit of CC?

Because it's on a computer screen, the spacing killed my eyes. Just spaces between each line would make it a LOT easier to keep my place :)!

Also, I mentioned loving the snapshots of her life, and I really do. But the amount you have made it feel like you were rushing to get to the next. You did such an awesome job with her that I wanted to get more of each, and I really feel like you could have expanded on all the sections and just slowed down a bit to let the picture form. Have you ever thought about turning this into a short story collection and using each of these snap shots for a chapter? That would really let you give each scene the time it deserves!

Am I trying ot talk you into writing more of this? Yes, yes I probably am. Mwhaha.

You had a handful of typos that I'm sure a quick read through could fix. Or you could ask for a quick beta!

This was such an enjoyable story, my dear. Thanks so much for writing it ♥

Author's Response: Another review?! Jami, you are so lovely! I seriously need to review some more BTF chapters!

Awhh, you are so sweet! Thank you, I do love Fleur and Bill too, and I get a tiny bit miffed when people say that they aren't a very good couple together. Seriously, I think they are the best! Hahah, I did try to get all the most important aspects of a couples' life generilised...I did try to make her as believable as possible, and I was a bit worried I over did the whole drama queen act :P

Yeah! I can understand that, I will definitely go back and structure it a bit more neatly! I'll also try to extend the scenes -- though I'm not making promises about the story collection, hahah!

Thank you again, Jami, and if it wasn't for this computer screen I'd be hugging you so hard right now and giving you lots of cake! Thanks so much for stopping by!

Sophie :D


 Report Review

Review #3, by patronus_charm Starlight

19th April 2013:
Hello there! Iím here with your second of three reviews :D

I love how we all interpret fan fiction in different ways. I have a one-shot about when Bill and Fleur got together and itís quite different to this one, and it always amazes how you never really come across the same thing.

I really liked how they first met, and how Fleur noticed so much about him. It just showed how they ended up later on. I thought it was really cute the way Bill waited for Fleur after her interview, as it kind of showed how he knew that Fleur was something special. Then the cute thoughts about her afterwards were lovely.

Aw and the way Bill asked her out on the date, and the way she was mentally planning to arrive late. I thought it was so cute the way she got there and couldnít see him at first, and the disappointment when she realised he wasnít there. Of course Bill would never let her down, and it you could sense how pleased she was.

I loved the remaining flashbacks too, it was really nice to show snippets of their life together. I think my favourite one of it was the one when Fleur realised that she was pregnant, as you started with something innocuous Ė beans on toast Ė so I think the reader was surprised as Bill was.

I would perhaps suggest re-reading this as there were a few spacing issues at times, and I noticed an I which wasnít capitalised :)

I really enjoyed this one-shot, and the ending was lovely!

-Kiana :D

Author's Response: Awh thank you so much for such an awesome review!! It's so generous of you to review back so quickly :D

I will definitely check out your one-shot - it sounds awesome! I really just wanted to sum-up all the best (in my opinion) bits in their lives, and the pregnancy thing surprised me too! I was just planning on writing about their cute married relationship, and then it just occurred to me how I could tie in children. I wanted the ending to be quite satisfying, so I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

Thank you for the constructive critiscm, too, I do struggle with spacing and the format of my stories. I will go back through it and check!

Thank you so much for a lovely long second review! :D


 Report Review

Review #4, by Water_Fay Starlight

10th April 2013:
Beautiful. I loved every second of it.

Author's Response: That's so sweet of you thank you - I'm very glad you think so - this review made my day :)
Thank you so much for your review! It's so lovely of you! :D


 Report Review

Review #5, by Ron 4 Hermione Starlight

5th January 2013:
Hey there!
I like it, especially how you made the quote fit in with the story and it wasn't glaringly obviously too, especially how you changed some of it to french.
I like the story, how it goes over Fleur and Bill's life, it's sweet. I especially like the part where they met and the waiter thinks she's been stood up, it's cute, especially how he can see that they are in love before they do.
A really great story and thanks for entering! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much that's so sweet of you!! I just wanted an excuse to use a bit of french ;) Ah this review is so lovely I've read it like three times, thank you.:)

 Report Review

Review #6, by Wickedlovely01 Starlight

26th November 2012:
I absolouty love this! Bill and his manly macho way of making beans and toast made me laugh. This is excellently done, and I've never really liked Fleur/Bill but I really like it now :)!

Author's Response: Aww thank you so much!! I happen to love Bill/Fleur, I think they're such a sweet couple :) I'm thrilled you like it, thank you :D

 Report Review

Review #7, by ValWitch21 Starlight

21st November 2012:
Awww, &hearts

You are awesome. I LOVE FLEUR. And you wrote her so well, I loved this. And just for me? *squeals and faints*

I particularly liked the scene with the children at the end. Thank you for this. You are wonderful.

And I &hearts you.

Author's Response: My pleasure Val, you awesome person!!! You're just too fambubblybumshus! :)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login