39 Reviews Found

Review #1, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Auror Headquarters

18th April 2015:
FOR CAPTURE THE FLAG ROUND 8

“Pathetic,” Harry shook his head.

I don't know why but this line got a good chuckle out of me.

So what I really liked about this chapter was the length and the time spent on description. This is what I was looking for with the other chapters. You kept a great space, added more detail and characters too to boot! I was actually happy and surprised that George's liquid worked on Harry's hair. I just really like the idea of it.

I thought you did a great job when they got to the Ministry for their first day. I liked that you added Lav in as a character and gave us an update on her. That you had all of these familiar characters and you switched it up by having Blaise there. I wonder what his mother did exactly that puts him in a good position there. Nice job! I'm not going to point out any grammatical errors by the way. I know you have a beta and the first chapter is done, looks great and this chapter didn't have as many as the others. I think if you take your time (and I think that's what you did here) you get the sentence structure and grammar right and it makes it easy to read. Really great job!

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Review #2, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing Eighteenth Birthday and Independence

17th April 2015:
Hi Kenny!

I'm here for CTF round 8! Jailbreaking deeds.

I think this is a really interesting take on life after the war which can't have been easy for anyone. It was nice to see so many characters and find out snippets of what they're doing!

One thing I think you've done well here is characterisation and they way your characters speak. Hagrid in particular who's accent is so hard was really well done! I also thought your take on Ron was great.

I thought it was sweet Hagrid brought harry a new owl because Hedwig had died *cries* I think George seemed to be doing incredibly well considering Fred had only recently died. While it would be lovely if this was the case, personally I always think he'd struggle a lot more in the beginning. He not only lost a brother but his twin. Just my opinion anyway.

I thought it was very different that andromeda and teddy are coming to live with harry. I very much expected Ron to, but i guess having andromeda and teddy will be like having a real family at home for harry so that will be nice for him.

You have a few spelling and grammar mistakes but considering english isn't your first language, you've done an amazing job of editing this. I can see a few people have previously pointed out the errors for you to fix though so I won't repeat what they've already told you.

All in all, a great job!
Lauren

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Review #3, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Eighteenth Birthday and Independence

17th April 2015:
FOR CAPTURE THE FLAG, ROUNG 8!

She was shifting the flour,

Should be: sifting

Can I help making breakfast

Should be: make

Above all, are you ready for joining in Auror training

Should be: Above all, are you ready for Auror training

Harry guessed she might be worrying the cost

Should be: Harry guessed she might be worrying about the cost

"A magical smoothing liquid for bed hair, here," Ron held out the slim bottle.

Haha! That’s a funny line. I wish I would have thought about something like this. You’ve given me a little plunny. :D

It has just delivered in the box yesterday.

Should be: It was just delivered in the mail yesterday

I really like your version of Ron. He’s serious but he has that silliness Ron always has about him. He’s trying to be a decent and respectable Auror, which I strongly believed he would have tried to be but he’s also making a jibe at Harry even though he bought it for himself too. Hermione is so prissy here but I generally believe she’s prissy. She has that edge about her that we see every so often but she’s also not a huge rule breaker either.

Okay, so there are other grammatical errors and what not but I think you get the gist and I know you have a beta or at least have a beta for your other stories so I’m not necessarily sure I am helping. I liked this chapter. I think your story has a lot of promise but again, I think you need to work more on your description. You have so many different scenes that you could flesh out more to bring this chapter from good to great. I also think you need to add like a page break or something to signify your switching from one part to the next because it gets a little confusing when one minute they’re celebrating his birthday and the next they are shopping and so on and so forth.

I like the idea of Harry living with Andromeda and wanting to take care of Teddy. The Weasley’s are his family BUT Teddy is his godson and his last connection to his parents/friends so he needs to work on that part of his life and build his little family there with Teddy and Andromeda.

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Review #4, by looneylizzie Reconstruction and Funeral

15th April 2015:
CTF - Round 8 - Jailbreak!

I'll admit, I did shed a few tears here. The funerals were very sweet, although I think you glossed through quite a few things, and it felt very rushed.

I'm also confused as to why they brought Fred back in the Ford Angela when they were going to be going back to Hogwarts. Why didn't someone just go get his robes and bring them back to Hogwarts? That seemed a little unnecessary.

The fireworks though, that's what got me. Great idea. I think my heart just broke a little bit.

Oh, and why didn't you write the scene where they resealed the Elder Wand in Dumbledore's tomb? After the last chapter, it seemed like you would...not that the story is bad without it...just curious I guess.

Kingsley asks Harry and Ron how Hermione's parents are, but she hasn't even left yet to go get them. Why is he asking that there? Shouldn't that be a bit later?

There are several little time jumps that happen in this chapter, and it's a little hard to tell when that's happening other than the next sentence being something along the lines of "The next morning..." or "Since the month of May..." Might I recommend that you use some sort of line divider so that we know that the timing has changed. Maybe something like this:

- - - - - - - - - - -

The break just makes it a little easier to differentiate one event from another as a reader. The visual line automatically creates a break in the story in the readers mind.

I thought the letter from Hermione about finding her parents was interesting, especially all the places she had to travel. (She was in NYC! Ah! My home!)

And a little extra side note: I don't know if you know this, but J.K. Rowling said that they never found Snape's body after the battle for some reason, but Harry made sure that he was listed among the dead in the memorial that was built for them...

You don't need to change your story to fit that, I just wondered if you knew and were having a funeral for him anyway? I dunno, I'm asking dumb questions now.

Anyway, another great chapter Kenny! Your story is definitely shaping up to be a good one!
LL

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Review #5, by Deeds Reconstruction and Funeral

15th April 2015:
For the Capture the Flag Round 8

Hey, Kenny!

Just then the red-headed man on the broom was soaring up to Harry's spot. It was Bill Weasley.

Instead of ‘the’ it should be ‘a’

Yes, I was. It was very hard. I had to cast so many complicated Shield charms. We needed to conjure strong enough to protect all the extensive area of Hogwarts

area should be ‘areas’

We all family will be back to the Burrow after lunch

This is a tad confusing maybe try: The entire family will be back to the Burrow after lunch.

Harry, Hermione and Weasley family got back to the Burrow by the Portkey after lunch in the Great Hall.

Should be: Harry, Hermione and the Weasley family got back to the Burrow by Portkey after lunch in the Great Hall.

We determined to dress him in his old red Gryffindor Quidditch uniform to express our respect for his bravery

Should be: We were determined

Right. He was indeed the Gryffindor

Instead of ‘the’ put ‘a’

All Weasley family gathered around the coffin

It should be: The entire Weasley family gathered around the coffin

Lemus.

Should be: Remus

Tonks, I'll watch over your son to grow up.

Should be: Tonks, I’ll watch over your son as he grows up.

Your god father, me here, too,

Remove the ‘me’ part and instead: Your godfather is here too.

He always can see your family from here>

Should be: He can always

I'll answer to your all questions

Should be: I’ll answer all your questions

That was a great chapter. I know English isn’t your first language so there are some things here and there to fix. I also think you need to add in a tad more description. It would help the story flow better. I think you did a really great job on the description when they were saying goodbye to Fred and everyone else. That part really made my heart heavy and I got a little teary eyed. Also, when Harry tried to comfort Teddy when he was crying and said he would be there for him. I thought the ending was a bit rushed though. It would have been nice if you added a little bit more suspense in the end before we find out about Hermione. What a trip she took though! I’m happy her parents remembered her though. It would have been heartbreaking if they didn’t. Nice job!

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Review #6, by looneylizzie Life Still Goes On

14th April 2015:
CTF - Round 8 - Jailbreak Post!

Kenny!

This a wonderful start! You've done an excellent job of jumping right in from where the Deathly Hallows ended. I'm glad that you emphasized Harry's desire to return the Elder Wand back to Dumbledore's tomb. He'd obviously said it earlier, but the reiteration builds a stronger foundation for the Harry you're creating in this story.

Also, Harry and Ginny. You're so good at writing them together! I love how you write their interaction here! The fact that Harry is as nervous as a typical teenage boy around Ginny is just brilliant. It reminds us that Harry is just as human as everyone else, and even he can get flustered around a pretty girl. ;)

Not to mention Ginny's never-failing confidence. She does exactly what I'd expect her to do, she tells him that she never gave up, and that is what makes Ginny pure awesome.

Okay, just a couple of CC's

My biggest concern is that Harry is talking about career plans with Ron and making arrangements to being training to be an auror all on the day after the battle. This seems a little unrealistic in how fast that's happening. Honestly, I'd expect Harry to make sure that the Elder Wand was returned to Dumbledore's tomb right away, and then take at least a few days to physically recover before even discussing what he's going to do in the future. And even then, I'd think he'd at least take the summer to recover mentally and to mourn those he lost.

Everyone deals with grief differently, of course, but even if he insisted on getting things done right away, I'd expect that Ron, Hermione, or Ginny to at least be encouraging him to rest instead of jumping into something new.

There are a couple of little mix-ups/grammar mistakes, but I know you've got Kayla on board as a beta-reader, and I'm sure she'll be able to help you out with those, since they're all minor things that are easily fixed. :)

Great work Kenny! I'll be back soon for the next chapter!
LL

Author's Response: Thanks again, Lizzie!

Yeah, I got wonderful beta readers. I really appreciate that. It'll take much time for them to do beta all though these stories, you know, I have many chapters.(lol)

As you mention that Harry needs the time to mourn those he lost, I set the story in the next chapter. I set the conversation in the bathroom where they chat for their future plan, 'cause they needed that since they were forced to give up the seventh year study to hunt for Voldemort's weapons.

And you'll find the trauma of Harry's experience in the past is hard to be mended, which will be continued to my third fanfic story, if you keep reading these. :)

Kenny



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Review #7, by TreacleTart Life Still Goes On

14th April 2015:
Hi Kenny,

I'm here for the Gryffindor Capture The Flag Battle Final Round (8).

This was a really nice place to start your story, picking up right where the series ended. I can only imagine after the battle that so many things happened, so I like that you're exploring them.

I liked that when Harry gets to the Gryffindor tower he's tired and hungry. I would imagine that after hours of not worrying about eating and fighting courageously, sandwiches would be the first thing on his mind!

I thought the hesitation to ask to visit Ginny in front of Mr.Weasley was great. Even after everything that all of them have been through, it reminds us that Harry is still very young and adults can still be somewhat intimidating. It makes his character a lot more complex.

I think it's a great idea to seal the Elder Wand into Dumbledore's tomb forever. Definitely don't want to see it fall into the hands of another evil person!

I noticed a few typos, but they're pretty minor ones.

"but before talk with them," should be "before I talk"

"I've never given up to see you alive again" should be "I’ve never given up the hope of seeing you alive again"

"You,too, Kingsley," has too many commas. It should be “You too, Kingsley.”

"Can we put it back to Professor Dumbledore's tomb?" should be "Can we return this to Professor Dumbledore's tomb?"

All in all, this was a very intriguing start! I'm curious to see where the rest of the story goes! Great job Kenny!

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: Hi, Kaitlin!

I'm really glad you've started reading my stories from the start since you are my beta reader for the third story. My stories are connected with each other, so I don't recommend to read in the middle of the stories. At the same time I feel thankful that Kevin set this game. Without this match you've never thought of reading my first story, I guess. It's a bit of challenge to start reading the long series, isn't it? So your help as a beta reader will make my story more attractive for readers.

Thank you for pointing out the things including typos, I'll check.

:) Kenny



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Review #8, by Hogwarts27 Father and Son

26th February 2015:
Now that I've read this whole story, I think you did a terrific job writing and finishing this novel in English. So congratulations to you for this great accomplishment!

Your descriptions are a strong point in your writing, so I encourage you to keep using and developing that skill. It really makes a big difference to a scene when there's enough description in it.

In this final chapter, you brought the story to a nice close with the scene between Harry and Andrew. And the quidditch details left me feeling that Harry and his friends will have a future of pleasure and friendship along with their work.

I will also say that I started reading the sequel to this - and the plot is really GOOD! After I read the first 2 chapters, I couldn't stop reading. So I'll be back to leave some reviews on the sequel, because I'm really enjoying it so far!

Author's Response: Ooh I really appreciate for your wonderful encourageous review. Thank you so much for your follow.

I also like your style focusing on George and Oliver in your story. Harry loves George's banter and you don't forget letting Hermione play an important role from which I can learn
something.

I hope you will enjoy and understand what I tried to write though my English expression needs much more progress.


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Review #9, by Hogwarts27 Snitch Catch

26th February 2015:
After the last chapter with the battle and other serious things going on, this chapter felt like a calm change of pace. I enjoyed both of the animagi scenes - they were my favorite scenes in this chapter. You nicely described Harry's transformation to a horse, and I liked the part where Harry reacted to Ginny touching him. Your animagi logic makes me wonder if Ginny is going to be a doe when she learns how to become an animagi.

The first quidditch scene - When I read this scene, it felt a little unbalanced to me. The introductions felt like they went on too long for the little bit of quiddtich playing that happened there, so if you ever decide to edit, I think that scene would be better if you shortenened the introductions if the quidditch playing is going to be that short. The second quiddtich scene was good though.

I enjoyed the scene with Andromeda singing to Teddy again, and the scene at the end where we learn that Harry is being recruited to a team was a fun way to end.

Author's Response: Thank you again for stopping by. We need sometimes calm things after sequence of action and mystery, you're right.

That Quidditch scene was my first time to describe it, so as you say, I reckon there are too many dialogues, I need to reread and edit them.

Talking about Andromeda and Teddy, many authors wrote about them, so I tried to write in a little bit different way.

I also like your writing about Harry alone with Kreacher in Grimmauld Places.


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Review #10, by Hogwarts27 A Reason for Living

21st February 2015:
Hi, I really enjoyed reading this chapter. Every scene was interesting from start to finish.

Battle scenes can be hard to write, but I think you did well. I enjoyed the little details you put in like - the way you compared Ron being hit by the battle debris to Fred being hit by a wall fragment. And I liked how you explored some of Harry's feelings both in the battle and afterward. I also enjoyed the conversation between all the characters after the battle.

Druid magic sounds very interesting. I enjoyed reading that part.

And the scene between Dumbledore and Harry was a good way to end. Harry learns something important about himself and his career choice in life. Great chapter!

Author's Response: Your comment shows me how it took for me to write this chapter. You're right, I spared time for this battle scene. I learned from your awesome review : when we cost much more energy and time in writing, we can produce better one. Thanks. :)

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Review #11, by Hogwarts27 Undercover

21st February 2015:
This was another good chapter. I enjoyed reading it. It had good action and good descriptions, and it kept me interested to see what would happen next. The fast action was good in a chapter like this.

I wasn't expecting Umbridge when she showed up in the story, but she was a good character to put in. When she mentions druid magic again, it made me curious to know more about it. So I was happy that Umbridge told us one thing that druid magic can do later on in the chapter.

You also surprised me with the unicorn patronus being from Draco. Even in this chapter, I wondered if Draco was secretly aligned with the Death Eaters again, especially when Lucius appeared in the story. But by the end of the chapter, I could see that Draco seems solidly on Harry's side.

You always end your chapters well. This was another good ending.

Author's Response: Your review always reminds me of beta reading and adding more description, thank you so much. I have no time to rewrite them but I have to. I like the softness in Draco, he may inherite that from his mother or Lucius loves his son as well so that Draco can't be a bad guy.

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Review #12, by Hogwarts27 Mentor

21st February 2015:
Hi, this chapter tells an important part of the story. The information you tell is interesting, and the plot takes an interesting turn. But I think this chapter needs more description to help bring it to life, the way you did in the earlier chapters. The scenes that are only dialogue feel a little empty without some description to go with them.

There were parts of the story where I wondered if Malfoy was going to switch sides and become a Death Eater again. And I don't trust Scrimgeour. I enjoyed Lily's journal - you did a nice job with that.

Author's Response: Thank you for your review. :) I could get what you could understand or not from your leaving review, I really appreciate that.

If I can get time to rewrite each chapter, I'll do it based on advice brilliant readers gave me including you, of course, Hogwarts27.

Speaking of Scrimgeour I made a little smirk because your react was definitely the direction to which I tried to lead readers.

And your review reminded me of using Lily's thing to mystery I'm writing now. Thank you. :)


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Review #13, by Hogwarts27 The Potions Master

7th February 2015:
Great chapter! I really enjoyed everything that happened, and all the interesting new details we find out. It kept me interested all the way through. Every scene was well developed with a good mix of dialogue and description.

I enjoyed the way you started out, explaining about Draco and his family. That was a good way to bring a reader into the story, and it was nicely written. And then it just got better and better with everything that happened.

I loved the potion making scene, and the way you described all the ingredients. I loved Snape's portrait too, and the search for the books. And you ended it perfectly. Excellent story-telling. I really enjoyed reading this. And I give you double credit for writing such a good story in such detail in a second language!

Author's Response: I really appreciate for your wonderful comments. :)

To tell the truth, I've read lots of fan fiction stories on this site and the other about Draco and Snape including slash, random reading. So they might influence me. There are so many Drarry, aren't there?

Much strong sexual nature , in my opinion, prevents readers from reading more. I like moderate pace.



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Review #14, by Hogwarts27 Back to Hogwarts

7th February 2015:
Hi! You did a nice job developing the story in this chapter. The plot unfolded nicely, and I felt a sense of increasing danger when Higgs was questioned and we learn out about the kidnap of his father. I also enjoyed the pensieve scene where Higgs sees his father unmasked. The was an excellent scene to put in.

You did a nice job describing the scene where Ginny wakes Harry up with the sun coming through the window. That was a lovely descriptive paragraph.

But then the part after she wakes him - you say Harry puts on a shirt, and Ginny gets up staggering a little, with her face turning red. But the story doesn't show why. Is it because she looked at Harry's bare chest and is embarrassed he might have noticed? If so, there was nothing in the conversation or scene description to give the reader this idea. Whatever the reason is, I think it would be good to bring it out better :)

You did an excelllent description of Harry's romantic feelings toward Ginny in the next part though. Oh my, a blazing goddess! It's clear that he adores the way she looks!

I loved the mystery ending. It makes me curious to find out why the Peverell name suddenly comes into the story. Excellent!

Author's Response: :) Thank you for reading my unskilled story.

To express being in love is the most difficult part for me. Because people in my country generally mask sexual nature. We have thought a modest attitude was a virtue.
But you're right. I need to explain more for readers.

Quidditch is one of my favorite magical category, maybe Book 4 and 6 influenced me. So I let Higgins enter.

Speaking of mystery, I'm just a green hand. I have to read other stories more.
Thank you for your kind review!


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Review #15, by Hogwarts27 The First Training Week

6th February 2015:
This was another good chapter. I had a really good time reading this.

Okay, I'll get a suggestion out of the way first:

Your newspaper headline - The Boy Who Saved Galleons - this is correct English, but I don't think it expresses your meaning well, because all people save galleons, so this doesn't make Harry feel special or different than anyone else. So I might suggest you think of a different headline. One idea that came to me was - Harry Potter, The Rich Hero. But it's completely up to you.

Also - Five Best Rich Wizards - this is bad grammar. The correct way to say this would be to call Harry the Fifth Richest Wizard, meaning he is number 5 from the top. You could also call him One of the Five Richest Wizards, meaning he is somewhere in the top 5. :))

Now back to the story. I really enjoyed all the action and training exercises they did, the tracking, the broom dismounts, everything. And again, very good descriptions from beginning to end that draw the reader in. The pace was good too, never boring.

When I read that McGonagall wants Ginny to protect Malfoy, this made me wonder if McGonagall had some special reason for making Malfoy head boy, because he seems an unusual choice.

The scene with Andromeda's lullaby was very sweet, and I enjoyed her explanantion. And again, it peaked my interest to hear her say she feels magic in the song. It makes me wonder if the song has some sort of power that we'll see in the story. Or it could also just be interesting lore. Either way is good. Don't spoil it by telling me!

And the ending was also good. Good story so far!

Author's Response: Wow, I really appreciate for your advice and opinions. It's been a long time since I wrote the last chapter of this story. I'll reread , edit and post a renew one.

When I wrote training action part, I imagined kendo, Japanese swordsmanship, so I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I think there are two big opinions treating Malfoy; the former Death-Eater to be hated and the pitiful victim caught under Voldemort.
I chose to treat him as the latter. But I want to treat him on equal term with golden trios, he is also a young man who has ambition.

Your encouraging words about Celtic song Andromeda sang reminds me of Druidic magic I tried to set up later which was not completed.
I'm wondering to set it up again in my third story, thank you!


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Review #16, by Hogwarts27 Auror Headquarters

6th February 2015:
Oh, I really enjoyed this chapter. It was a great read. The way you took us through every step of the auror process was wonderful, describing every little detail along the way. You even made the walk through the halls, and going in and out of the lifts interesting. I could picture everything so clearly. The way you put this all together really made it come to life. It truly drew me in, and made me want to keep reading. Terrific!

Author's Response: Thank you again, Hogwarts27.
I like action and wanted to write about the scene of the Headquarters.
Since I watched the movie of book 1, the friendship between Ron and Harry has always been in mind when I write HPFF story.
I know my English skill is not perfect but I try to write about a process of their growing up to be adults with fellow trainees.


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Review #17, by Hogwarts27 Eighteenth Birthday and Independence

6th February 2015:
I read a few more chapters of this story, and they were all a pleasant read.

Molly makes rock cakes? It sounds like hers are better than Hagrids, since I didn't hear anyone complaining. And you thought of some nice presents to give Harry. The aboriginal mirror was an interesting gift. It makes me wonder if will do anything unusual. I think it's good you made the owl a little different looking than Hedwig. Sirius "black" the owl - Ha Ha - shows why he deserves the name.

The second part of this chapter was very nicely written with some lovely descriptions and more emotion written into the scene, which I really
enjoyed. You did a great job writing those two nice descriptive paragraphs that come just before Harry talks to Andromeda.

Hmm, my first thought when I came to the part where Harry invites Andromeda to move to Grimmauld Place was this might be a problem when Harry gets married. So I was happy to see that Andromeda thought of this too before she made her decision.

This was a very nice read, especially the second half where you went a little more in depth into the scene.

Author's Response: I'm glad you keep reading my first story.

I wanted to write about the warmth of a happy home Molly made.

In my country not a few high school students visit Australia so the aboriginal mirror popped in my mind.

I wanted to give Harry a new owl since he lost Hedwig. So it should be Hagrid to give him a new owl as a birthday present.

J.K.Rowling didn't mention about Andromeda so much so we HPFF writers can create anything, can spread imagination.


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Review #18, by Hogwarts27 Reconstruction and Funeral

4th February 2015:
Hi, I had more time to read, so I went on to this story and read the first 2 chapters. This was a terrific chapter. Really good story-telling. Sometimes funeral chapters can get boing, but this wasn't. You described the family's grief really well. And I really enjoyed how the funeral ceremony you described was a little different than how it's done where I live. I just loved reading that, and found it so interesting. And the funeral fire was so sad. Terrific job!

Yes, for Fred's body to be buried or put in a tomb at the Burrow was perfect. But I didn't understand for sure which - was he buried or put in a tomb like Dumbledore? And the fireworks fit of course.

And the Castle being rebuilt with all the old stones also. That was as it should be.

I also enjoyed Hermione's letter, and all the details you put in about what she saw and enjoyed in the different countries. I thought you kept her nicely in character. That letter really sounded like Hermione wrote it. And it made a good ending for the chapter. This was a good read!

The language mistakes in this were all very minor. Most of the time it was just that you had a word or two in the wrong order in the sentences, which was no problem to ignore.

Author's Response: Thank you for reading my first story. The second chapter was based on my experience, so I recreated the emotion I felt in my real life.
I intentioned Fred's was put in a tomb. I only know graveyards in my country so it might lack of detail explanation.

I always like the way Hermione is clever among trio. I reread J.K.Rowling's describing about her letter before writing this chapter.

Yeah, it's about time to look for a beta.

Thank you agian for your kind suggestion.


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Review #19, by may Father and Son

16th September 2014:
I hope there are more chapters soon

Author's Response: Thank you, again, may. The sequel are next stories: Harry Potter and a Daughter of Druid ,
Harry Potter and Broomstick Makers.
I hope you'll enjoy these, but if the voice in my mind orders me to write the next chapter of this, I might write it.


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Review #20, by may Mentor

16th September 2014:
I really enjoyed this chapter you made me laugh when Malfoy shouted for his trainee guards

Author's Response: Thank you,may for stopping by to comment on my first fanfic story. I enjoyed describing his awkwardness around his desire to make his new friends or attendants like Crabbe and Goyle.

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Review #21, by Mike The Potions Master

1st August 2014:
How did a Death Eater get to be Head Boy? That's just stupid.

Author's Response: Thank you for your honest comment, Mike. If you keep reading to the end, you' ll find the reason why McGonagall get Malfoy be a Head Boy.

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Review #22, by Bonnie Blue Father and Son

5th June 2014:
Okay I'm going to have to stop reading here. Its just too unbelievable that Ron would do business with a Death Eater.

Author's Response: Thank you for reading, Bonnie Blue, I don't think Draco chose to be a Death Eater from his heart , and Harry and Ron know it, Draco is just a coward ferret. Hermione in my story tries to make use of him. And Harry is viewing from higher place like Dumbledore.

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Review #23, by Bonny Blue The Potions Master

29th May 2014:
Draco DID try to murder Dumbledore and nearly killed both Ron and Katie and Hermione kissing up to Draco is REALLY insulting to all of his victims.

Author's Response: Thank you for letting me remember this chapter,
Bonny Blue :) . Tom Felton is so handsome, that's why so many authors write about Draco and Hermione ship, and writing about their hard
love barrier, like Romio and Juliet, appealing theme. But myself, I'll try to express the other way, original story. I'm struggling to create the new chapter of my third fanfic, "Harry Potter and the Broomstick Makers" now. I hope you'll enjoy reading next chapters and my other fanfics.


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Review #24, by APerkins Reconstruction and Funeral

13th October 2013:
Hi Starfeather, I want to really encourage you for writing novels in your second language! Well done!
This is an excellent way to improve your fluency, and I think you are doing an amazing job.

I find it hard sometimes to say what I want in my own language - to convey the "tone" of a story, the emotion of a scene in the way I build a sentence. To try and do it in a language that is a second language must be very challenging!
You are doing a great job - there are very few grammatical mistakes but your biggest problem comes because this is your second language. It makes a lot of the story sounds childish - like the story is designed for children.

This is a hard thing to fix, but for a few examples,
"Harry and Ginny became quiet. Ron cleared his voice."

can be rephrased
"Harry and Ginny fell silent as Ron cleared his voice."

and the paragraph:
"Lee Jordan put his right arm around George's shoulder. George's pale face was distorted with tense sorrow. Flames flared in the wind. Finally tears were dropping from George's eyes. The fire went out, Mr.Weasley collected ashes into a container with his wand. Mrs.Weasley, Ginny,Fleur and Hermione were waiting outside the gate. Mr. Weasley handed the container to Mrs.Weasley."

is a collection of short sentences that whilst they describe what happens, dont convey the emotional weight of the story.

If you were the paragraph, one option would be like this. (Bits you dont have in your story ,but I would consider adding are marked with-- -- on either side )

" Lee Jordan put his right arm around George's shoulder. As the flames --of the funeral pyre?-- flared in the wind, tears finally dropped from George's eyes.
--I would insert some sentence to describe time going by here--
--Finally?-- The fire went out and Mr Weasley collected the ashes into a container with his wand.
--another sentence to describe the emotions going on? - These are probably more important details than who Mr Weasley handed the container to--"


I am so impressed by the fact that you have written not one but several novels in English.
Can I encourage you to keep reading too? When you are reading, take note of how others build their scenes!
Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much, APerkins, it is very difficult for me to develop my English espression in my country where lots of English conversation schools,translation and business English schools are but we have few places to learn English literary expression more, so I really appreciate your advice, so please give me advice more if you have time to spare, I'll reread this chapter and try another way of expression, thank you!

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Review #25, by BigBlue2289 Back to Hogwarts

6th August 2013:
The ending felt a little too rushed for me, overall good chapter but weak ending of chapter in my opinion.

Author's Response: BigBlue2289
Thank you for your comment. The first novella I wrote in English is a kind of introduction to the next novel," Harry Potter and a Daughter of Druid", so I hope you'll enjoy it.


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