This has a good plot, it is interesting to read. I want to know more so I would want to read on. Now, as for James and Sirius's relationship, its okay. A bit unrealistic I think. these are guys your know, best friends but still guys, and when they are talking about what happened i would expect more detail and pushing to get information. However James's reaction to sirius near death experience is really good, exactly what I think a friend would feel if they saw the BF in the same situation. I really hope this helps.Author's Response: Thank-you you've really helped :D I'm happy you'd want to read more and your finding it interesting so far, I think further on however in the story gets a little more long winded and less interesting, i'll hopefully come back to your for another review, your honest and straight to the point to thank-you :D
I'm glad you were truthful about the unrealistic thing, I'll definitely go back over and make amends to the chapter, I actually agree with you :P
anyway thank-you. Your great :D
- kjp Report Review
Love it! Marlene is my favourite character so write more of her! Sirius and her would make such a great couple! And I want to see more of Mary as well.
UPDATE MORE OFTEN PLEASE.Author's Response: Thank-you so much for reviewing again :D I'll try to update as soon as possible. Hopefully the next chapter will be done tonight and be in the queue :D thank-you again btw :D your brilliant Report Review
Wow. I adore your story! Please please please update!Author's Response: hello there :D I'm glad you reviewed, i'm about 80% of the way through the next chapter and it should be in the validation queue anytime now :D Thanks for reading again
- kjp Report Review
Great great great! I love it! I want more Marlene though, cause I love her very much.
Please update as soon as you can. Remember: you made a fan of me ;)Author's Response: haha lol :D Completly and utterly adore Marlene, i havn't written chapter 6 yet but i'm planning to start today, it should be in validation by the end of the week :D Thank-you for being such a loyal reviewer it means a lot :D I'll be sure too add more Marlene soon Report Review
I love it! I want to see more of the girls though especially Marlene. However it is fantastic! Congrats!Author's Response: I know what you mean :D don't worry there's more, I want to see more of them too :P Marlene's probably my favorite character, I love writing her.
Thanks so much for the review Report Review
I love it! Update as soon as you can please :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing :D it means a lot, funny enough when i read this I was just about to put the next chapter in the queue :D so it won't be long Report Review
Hullo, HuffleyPuff here and I am going to give a nice long review about this story so far. I'm going to break things down into different things, what I like, hate, love, how I thought the plot rolls, the characterization, that kinds of thing.
To start off I would like to say that this is a really nice story you have going on and I cannot wait to see what happens next so you must update it as soon as possible! Moving on from that I do like your writing style, it is quite similar to my own and because of this I quickly divulged into the story and could read it happily knowing that I wouldn't get lost along the way or confused about what was going on. This shone throughout the story and for the three chapters posted I can happily say that I did not get lost or confused about what was happening, who was speaking or anything like that. This is one of your strongest points in your writing as well, the fact that you can use great words to grab the reader and interest them enough so they can continue reading. This is a trait good writers need to have to grasp their audiences and it is something you don't need to worry about.
I thought that your characterization of everyone was really good. The way that James and Sirius lept on the idea of helping Remus and argued with him that they were going to help. Peter was in character the whole way through, being a bit of an outsider of the group and only speaking when spoken too. And the boy's relationship with the girls is also up to scratch. I didn't see any romance stuff going on right from the off as most stories tend to do from the beginning from defining the relationships and including kisses in the very early chapters. You can see that Sirius and Marlene are close, but you do have to look hard to see if it's just friendship or a romance blooming between them. But the way that you explained that James was in love with Lily by mentioning that Sirius told his mother about her and how he wanted to go to Muggle Studies because she would be there was cute in a way and a really nice way of doing things.
I did notice a few spelling mistakes, letters missed off the end of words and that kind of thing, but it was nothing major and something you can pick out if you read back through it carefully, perhaps you should think about getting a beta reader for the story as then they can check it over and pick out all the spelling and grammar mistakes before you post so you don't have too! Everyone makes mistakes eventually and so it's not something to be worried about.
The plot also has a very nice flow to it, you are not throwing the reader in at the deep end or anything like it, you are pulling them in slowly and adding things so they realize the scale of what's going on. I certainly wasn't expecting the death eater attack on the train as they headed to school!
So far I think you are doing a really great job of this story and I fee it deserves more reviews and favorites from other people. Good luck and happy writing!
HuffleyPuff xxAuthor's Response: Whoa that was fast! Thanks so much for the response :D And you've read all three chapters? I didn't expect you to do that much! :)
You've made me so happy! i'm glad that you like my style (I've never received comments like that) I usually find it so hard to write and I have to be incredibly inspired to do so. *hugs* your amazing.
I always imagined that Remus wouldn't really want them to go through with the idea of animagus, just like their trying to protect him, he would also want to protect them from getting caught. I've always loved their relationship. Bromance!! lol. I'm a bit unsure of Peter's character, I completly hate him and find him so hard to write because I don't understand why he actually became a marauder, so i'm just trying to make him be a quite person so I don't have to write about him much :P
The relationship between Sirius and Marlene is really confusing, i've pretty much planned the whole story and written a few chapters that are to come up nearer the end and its sort of a love/friendship relationship. I'm really just letting the readers decide what it is for themselves :D Throughout the story their relationship develops.
I'll go back over the chapter soon and get rid of all those mistakes, i'm terrible at spotting them out. I might get a beta reader for this story... seems like a good idea now you mention it actually :D
I'm so glad I havn't received any responses saying that the deatheater attack was a bit too 'random' if you know what I mean? :D and i'm glad you didn't find it that way.
Thank-you again *bows down* i'll probably come back to you again for reviews because your reviews are amazing *once again bows down* Report Review
This story is really good! You're doing so well presenting the effects of the war on everybody. Good luck.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review and taking time to read :D The war's a big part of their life and I'm trying to show that as best I can, i'm glad you noticed :D Report Review
Love love love your fic! Update as soon as you can please pleasie! ;)Author's Response: Thanks so much, i'm almost done with chapter 3, please keep reviewing :D and tell me what you think :) *hugs* Report Review
This I must say was a wonderful chapter so you hard work has really paid off as it was interesting with the whole Sirius appearing upon the stepped but wasn't to much as to make to story too overly dramatic at the beginning. The storyline itself so far is very well written and I would defiantly like to read more of this story and find out what happens next.
I also love your characterization of James, Sirius and Mrs. Potter! The bond between the two lads if prefect and is exactly how it should be as I've been in too many marauder rp's so I have a good concept of their relationship and yours is wonderful. I also love Mrs. Potter and can really see he as James mother so she gets a big thumbs up from me.
I am defiantly interested in what will happen next so keep on writing!
~Hallows!Author's Response: Thank-you so much for the review :D
I'm glad you enjoyed reading, it means a lot you took your time to r&r.
I must say i'm suprised you didn't go "no! too dramatic!" but i'm glad you didn't, I was so worried that it was too much to just suddenly happen at the very start.
At first Mrs Potter really annoyed me and I wanted to kill her of really early (like really early) but then I started to write the James/mother relationship and now I've completely changed my mind. They're are a lot of characters that I've done that with so far actually :P
Thanks for reviewing, i'll definitely come to you next time i need a review :D
- kjp Report Review
it was epic pleas update it soon :)Author's Response: yay! i'm so happy i've got another review. I'm still working on the next chapter though :D I've recently started going bacwards with the story so it might b awhile, but i promise it will be soon :) Report Review
Its Gabbie here with your requested review. *Dances around* So we're back with your Sirius and his gang of friends skipping class to watch a Quidditch match! Not surprised by that at ALL. Hahahaha.
I'm wondering if Sirius and Marlene are going to get closer at some point. I was sort of sensing that they had some interest in each other in this chapter so I'll be curious to see where that goes but with Sirius you can never be sure. ;)
Anyway, I hope that all that running laps has done something good for Jame's chances of getting onto the team and everything. :D I wouldn't be able to do it!
I was glad to see Sir Cadogan back! I don't see him too much in fanfiction so it was nice getting a glimpse back into his madness. Hahaha. Also, I'd never seen a character act it out with him either so that was pretty smart of Marlene and Sirius might have to get some pointers from her. Hahahha.
So, as for CC's! Bum, bum! I think the only thing you really need to watch out for is just adding in some periods or commas to break up your sentences more. There were some little grammar things I think but nothing too major that a quick edit couldn't fix! Keep at it!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Thank you for coming back to review it means so much :D
The original chapter 2 didn't actually have the quidditch matches, but when you suggested it in the last review I thought "That's a good idea"!
Lets just say Marlene and Sirius will eventually have a very complicated relationship. And if (i'm not saying it will happen) they ever do get together it won't be until later chapters.
I actually got the idea of Sir Cadogan from another fanfic, they did a one-shot of him and I just suddenly thought to put him in mine.
Thanks so much, this weekend i'm planning on going over them and editing everything :D SO thank-you! *hugs* your such a great help
-Kelsey Report Review
Hello there! Thanks so much for re-requesting!
I can see that from the first chapter to this one you have definitely warmed up into your writing, characters and plot line. I love that some of your characters, especially Sirius and Marlene are beginning to become very well characterized; their personalities even more defined.
Your characterization of Marlene is very unique and original-I haven't seen a lot of characters like her in the world of fanfiction, especially not in the Marauders era. I really like the fact that she seems quite prim and proper-not exactly snobbish, but like she's come from a different era to all the rest. It almost gives her an air of separation from the rest, and makes her quite mysterious-I'd be eager to find out more about her back story and her family-why she speaks on such a formal way and such.
If there's one suggestion I could make for this chapter, it would be to slow down, take your time and let things occur at a natural pace. The flow of this chapter is a little awkward at times, and I think this is mainly because an awful lot of it is dialogue. Dialogue is good, but it can be improved when surrounded by imagery and inner thoughts. Thought processes, details and descriptions can also really help with the pace of a chapter so watch out for that.
I liked Sirius' line about James making an awful Quidditch captain, because it showed a little of their friendship, and also hinted at how Quidditch mad his best friend is. I also like how James insisted on informing everyone that Lily took Muggle studies-that was very cute-and Sirius' reaction was perfect! I really liked this bit: 'Sirius nodded towards the mugglestudies doorway where Lily stood, her hands placed over her hips leaning against the doorway, the sunlight catching her face making her freckles more prominent than ever. Lily’s red hair tied tightly in a bun with a few strands coming undone. James stared for a second before noticing she was sending him a nasty glare.' Not only was the fact that Lily was glaring at James very in character, the flow of this particular piece was very smooth-partly because of the way you described Lily's appearance. Just remember though, it's Muggle Studies, not Mugglestudies.
It was very cute how Marlene was able to get rid of Sir Cadogan (who was a nice addition to the chapter, by the way) and I am looking forward to seeing how her relationship with Sirius develops.
There were quite a few distracting grammar and spelling mistakes scattered throughout this chapter, so I would suggest going back and making some edits to get rid of all of those. Remember that when a person is speaking on a new line, their first word should always start with a capital and when they finish speaking, there should be some form of punctuation whether that be a full stop, a question mark or an exclamation mark.
And if in doubt, always remember one of my favourite writing rules: Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Thanks again for re-requesting! I hope I can be of some help.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Thank-you so much for reviewing, You have been soo helpful.
I'm so glad you like Marlene, she's one of my favorite characters I've ever written. Through-out the story it has everything about her back story and it's killing me so much not to give it away :)
I'm definitely going to re-do these 2 chapter over the weekend (keeping the same plot) but taking in account all the things that you and other people have said (I am so incredibly grateful for your help... have I said that before?) and i'll be sure to change all the Muggle studies to Mugglestudies :D
Thank you for your help, so, so, so, so much. I really want to hug you right now your that amazing *hugs*
Kelsey Report Review
Hello. Just a few quick grammatical errors:
“No! It’s your fault” he called over his shoulder as he trampled over Remus’s sleeping body who gave a sudden gave a jolt in shock.- The second "gave a" should be removed.
“you two, seriously?- The y in you needs to be capitalized.
“Thanks Mooney! I can see were I’m going now”- there's no "e"in Moony and were should be where. The were-where mistake occurs multiple times throughout the chapter.
It seems as if the only time you use punctuation is in a question. Periods and commas are very important within writing. They allow the reader to understand your tone and inflections. Also remember that punctuation is also necessary within quotations.
"for four year"- years.
“Yes, but you didn’t cause you know I’d have made it wetter”- 'cause.
There are a few more mistakes throughout the story. If I were you I would go through and proofread this chapter.
Overall, I had a hard time focusing on the point you were trying to get across. Try and make it flow a little better. It was a little broken. also, try to develop the personalities of each individual character. They all were kind of mushed together as if they were all the same character.
The Marauders were tricksters of course but also very intelligent (Like Fred and George), with the exception of Peter. Here they just seem childish. Try to incorporate witty humor.
On a more positive note, I enjoyed the water in the bed bit. Overall, I think you can take this places with just a few adjustments. There isn't much of a plot in this chapter, but I do enjoy the little bit that there is.
I plead you not to be discouraged by my review. I am a very critical person and I can always find something to fix. What you have so far is good.
-DahliasQuill.Author's Response: Thank-you so much for the response, you weren't being harsh at all and anyway I prefer brutally honest rather than being nice... it gets me no where if your nice all the time :D
I'll be sure to go over all the grammar and spelling mistakes, infact i'm thinking about getting a beta reader, just to help me out because I really do want this story too be successful.
I think in the first chapter the characters full personality's havn't been shown yet that will develop so much further into later chapter, so I think thats the reason that the character all seem a little mushed together because i'm trying not too give too much away... i'm proabbly trying too hard infact which is why they all don't seem so different.
I've purposly tried to mae them quite childish to show how in later chapters they eventually grow older and maturer and start to get a glimpse into the 'real world'.
No, there isn't much of a plot in this chapter, i'm slowly easing into the story line and the first chapter was just an introduction to the story :D Report Review
Hello there! It's Courtney, here for your requested review:)
I will start by saying that I really like the idea for this story. Sirius Black is a very interesting character who is not explored an awful lot in the books-especially not during his teenage years, anyway. However, if this is supposed to be in his point of view, I would try making that a little more clear, if I were you. I got a little confused at times, about who was telling the story. Or, if you were aiming for this chapter to be a general point of view, make sure that each character gets an even amount of characterization, etc.
You are already beginning to develop your characters, which is great. I can see the James and Sirius which we know and love shining through already and the interactions between the two of them are just perfect! I think one of my favourite moments in this chapter was this: '“Sirius! I’m bloody wet”
“I know” Sirius beamed proudly grinning at James who'd given up, too tired and out of breath to catch him.'
I also liked everything that Sirius said about sleeping, especially the line: '“You know you’ve slept half your life. That’s a long time” I thought that line was very in character, and was a nice touch to the chapter.
I feel that this chapter is very rushed at times, which makes it a little confusing and disjointed. I think part of the reason for this is that there is a LOT of dialogue in this chapter and not a lot of imagery, details or specific descriptions. I know, I know-imagery is a very hard thing to get right. I personally struggle with it a lot, but it can really boost a story up to the next level. Even if, when the boys enter the Great Hall, you add a paragraph describing what they see and hear-that sort of thing. Descriptions really help the reader imagine the scene they are reading and put themselves in the characters shoes.
Another thing I liked about this chapter was when James and Sirius were talking about becoming Animagus. I've read a lot of Marauders era stories and I don't think a single one of them has mentioned that James and Sirius voluntarily turn into a stag and dog once a month, so I am looking forward to seeing where you go with this:)
I'm sorry I have to say this, but there are a lot of spelling mistakes (typos?) and grammar problems splattered throughout this chapter. I won't point all of them out, but some of the most distracting ones were 'Quiddittch' (should be Quidditch) 'Slytherine's' (should be Slytherin's) 'it didn't help me could hardly see' (I think is supposed to be it didn't help he could hardly see) and 'Mooney' (is Mooney.)
There are also some other things to remember, such as when a character is talking, the first word should always begin with a capital. This “you two, seriously?" should be "You two, seriously?" If I were you, I'd just reread the chapter and check for little mistakes like this-I'm sure most of them are probably typos:)
Anyway, grammar and spelling mistakes aside, I think you have a great start here, and I am excited to see where you are going to take this next!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Thank-you so much Courtney, your review has helped me so much.
I wasn't actually planning on doing a marauder story until i re-read the hp series and thought to myself that there isn't much about the marauder era and there are some missing gaps in Sirius's life that I want to know about... so why not write it!
The first chapter is really just a general view of everyone, but if it isn't working out then it'll be quite easy to edit it so its more clear so thank-you for pointing it out... I hadn't really thought much about that.
I'm in love with the Sirius/James relationship, I've always seen it as one of the strongest friendships to ever be written and I don't think they get much credit and i'm glad you like the quote :D Thank-you for telling me which bits you like most, it'll help me know what kind of things people will like to read :)
I've just gone over and edited the chapter, adding more imagery to help the readers along and not make it seem so rushed as you said.
The story is going to include how the marauders map was made, them becoming animagus's. Both of them I'm really excited to write about. I've also noticed how some people don't really mention them in their marauder stories which I find weird because I imagine it to be quite a key fact in their life.
Ah! spelling, my worst enemy. I'll go back over them and try to change them (notice the word try :P)
Thank-you for reviewing, your comments have really helped.
-kjp :D Report Review
Hey, its Gabbie here with your requested review (I also go by Queen of Doom or the Underworld) and very nice to meet you and everything! :D
So, starting off I had to say that I thought Sirius was being chased by Lily. I hardly ever see FF's where he and James are actually trying to murder one another but as it turned out, it might have been justified. For a moment I snickered, thinking James had made an accident in bed because of the water but, I was sadly wrong. :(
Anyway, I thought this was a pretty good introduction to the characters. They seem light and set in their naughty ways but I thought you probably should have spent a second longer on adding a bit more detail of the boys, the dorm and so on. But that's just a stylistic thing, I have a bad habit of adding too MUCH detail so no worries there!
The only other CC I can give you is that there were some grammar things. Some of your letters need to be capitalized and you need some comma's here and there but other than that its fine! I'm really more interested in getting in the groove of Sirius and the gang so I'm not too worried that Lily didn't show up in this chapter. :D
From that ending, I have a feeling that Quidditch try outs for James is going to be pretty interesting and shame on Sirius for laughing at his brother's mishap! Tsk. But you've got an interesting little thing there with their relationship so hopefully you'll play on that?
Anyway, thanks for the good read! See you on the forums and keep it up!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing, your comments have actually really helped me :D
I always thought that the friendship Sirius and James have would be the kind of relationship where they're always playing about, being a bit hyper and in some cases trying to kill each other :P I've always loved the bromance between Sirius/James and I can just imagine how close they would be and i've tried to show that, the main story is based around Sirius/James and perhaps another pairing that i'm not going to give away yet.
I thought it would show the characters personality's of from the very start and i'm glad you liked it :D I complely agree with what you said about adding more detail and i'm definitely going to go back and add some :)
Grammar! ah! I swear it hates me and its evil :P When editing i'll go over to capitalize things and i'll try (notice the word try) to see if I can find the places where the comma's should be :D
Again thank-you, you cannot belive how much you've helped :D Thank you so, so, so much (*bows down to you*)
-Kjp Report Review
im glad Ive finally found a story about Sirius Black. ive been looking for ages. Ive found a lot of grammar errors in here and it can be quite distracting so watch out but other than that its really good. I love Mary so far, and I think her and Sirius would make a gr8 pairing.Great start just watch out for grammar :D 7/10
onetreehill1Author's Response: thanks so much for reading. I've had trouble with grammar for a long time, it hates me and it's evil :P i'll try harder in the future to sort it out and I will go back over and edit my first two chapters. Please carry on reading, it would mean so much :D Report Review
I really enjoyed the first chapter of your story. It was a nice change from mostly reading next generation fanfics, and I have to say I wasn't nearly as bored reading this compared to the other Marauders storys. I did find a few gramitical errors, but overall it had nice sentence structure and flow. Nice job.Author's Response: thank-you so much for reviewing. Fourth review so i'm not doing too bad...
I know how you feel about reading next gen fic, I don't read many maruaders and I was planning on doig a next gen fic instead of this but then I had an idea and I was like "Ahh! doing this now!" the beginning of the stories not too exciting tbh and i'm extremly excited to write later chapters :D
I seriously hate grammar, i swear it's evil. I'm trying really hard with it and i'll probably go over the chapters soon to just sort things out, perhaps i'll even get a beta reader :D
Again thanks for reviewing (I started dancing when I found out I had enough review... it made my day) and I hope you continue to read :D Report Review
This is a good story about Black, he is one of my favorites, when I got to the part of the book that he had died I cried, I couldnt believe Bell killed him. But this is a great story of his life at hogwarts. Looking forward to the next chapter :).Author's Response: Thanks you, i've noticed you've reviewed a few off my story and i'm really thankful :D The next chapter off this story is in the queue and chapter 3 is almost done. Thanks again Report Review
Good good good good good good good good very goodAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing, the next chapter is in the que :D Report Review
Please update I really like this story since marlene is in it and marlene is AWESOME u should really keep it up!!! put more marlene/sirius PLEASE!!! theyre the cutest couple!!!Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm just waiting for my one-shot to be valitated and then i'm starting this story. I'm probably going to change the first chapter but don't worry it will all still be the same plot line. btw you are my first reviewer for this story so thank-you very much :D Report Review
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