Hi, peanuts. Thanks for replying to my status update.
First, congratulations on posting your first story! I remember how terrified I was the first time I posted something. And to do it with a challenge like this? That's extra brave. It's easy to ramble on and on, but to write something that's short AND meaningful is really a feat.
Overall, I thought you managed to pack a lot of punch into just a few hundred words. You dived right in and were really able to tap into the emotion right away. The idea itself was really well suited to the challenge. I think a lot of people can relate to going around in circles in a relationship, so you don't really need a ton of backstory to sympathize with the characters and really feel for what they are going through.
The writing itself was also very solid. I don't know if you've been writing for a long time and just not posting stories here, but this certainly didn't read like the work of a novice author. I really enjoyed your use of the short, stylized sentences throughout.
The only bit of CC I can think to offer is technical rather than content related. Just make sure to watch out for the formatting of your dialogue. For example, with the first sentence as written, it makes it seem like the SHE that is smiling is also the one who is speaking (also, it should be a period after night, not a comma since what follows isn't a dialogue tag). Usually when you group dialogue and action like that, the reader is meant to infer that the person doing the action is also the one speaking. Also, be careful with the semi-colons. They are usually used to link two complete sentences together, but in a few places, you have them linking sentence fragments, in which case a comma, dash or colon would be more appropriate.
Thanks again for replying to my post. This was a great read. I hope you plan on posting on the site again soon! Report Review
Hi there! I'm here from the forums with your review! :)
To start off, I really liked the way you began this piece. It was a strong beginning that jumped right into the plot. I found that it drew me in by leaving some questions unanswered ("Last night they'd said a lot.") and that it made me want to keep reading.
"Their relationship lasted 2 years and for 3 hours, she mourned the loss of their relationship." --- I feel like repeating the word "relationship" twice maybe hurts the flow a little bit and using the word "it" at the end of the sentence would serve the same purpose.
The title is also well chosen, it really reflects the fic and James and Gia's relationship. You've really managed to put a lot of impact into a short piece. I also love how Gia knows he hurt her, but she still lets him back into her life. It's realistic since people tend to fall back into bad relationships sometimes and overlook the flaws of people they love.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors, but apologies if I missed some (I tend to be really bad at spotting them :s)
This is wonderful for being your first piece on the archives! It was really ambitious to take on a challenge for your first posted fic, but you did it justice! Well done!Author's Response: Thank you so so so much for the lovely review. All of your corrections will be taken into consideration and I plan to change them really soon. To be honest, this is the first story I've had the courage to publish to HPFF but your lovely review makes me want to write so many more.
peanuts11 Report Review
Hey! Perelandra here from the forums. So sorry it has taken a while to come review your one-shot. With the archives being down, the holidays and my own story...I forgot. However, I'm here! :D Better late than never, right.
I have to say...I'm very impressed that your first fic is a story challenge. I'm going on to 10yrs here in the archive and I have yet to do a challenge.
Overall this was a great one-shot. Short...very short. But I guess that was the point of the challenge. You managed to paint a picture and deliver emotions very well with less than 1K words, something I can't think about doing! So Kudos to you.
You have a a punctuation issue. Where it says:
"'Merlin Gia, I love you so much... too much.'" the way it read it makes it sound like her first name is Merlin and surname is Gia. If you were to add a comma in between Merlin and Gia, it'll make a difference.
I love how Gia, like every girl out there, believes that she's destined to save the man that she loves from himself. Then the hopes and dreams come crashing down. And in the end...did James come back? O.o That's my only question.
Overall, this was, again, a fantastic piece. I can only wonder what sort of fic you may write in the future where its not a challenge!
Great job! :D
--RosieAuthor's Response: Thank you for your wonderful review :D
Yes, James did come back because he thinks he can change and he loves her so much that he doesn't want to let her go.
I will definitely bear it in mind. Punctuation is NOT my strong point. I think it's all that time I spent focusing on English Literature, I left Language and punctuation behind :/
To be honest, I have no idea what I'm gonna write next. I always have 50 millions plots in my head and then I get bored and none of them make it to the archives, which was probably when the Every Word Counts challenge was so up my street.
Thanks again for the review :D
peanuts11 Report Review
Hiya! angel _speaks here to fulfill a review request from the forums!
Overall, I think that this was a really good story. It was very interesting to read and sadly, a part of me could relate hehe ^_^' Vague? Nt so much since there were a lot of context clues within the story that pointed it to heartbreak. It wasn't too dramatic either. For a topic like this this, I think the amount of drama that was depicted in the story is just as realistic if it were to happen in real life, maybe even more. So no, not too dramatic at all :) good job!
Thanks for requesting!
AAuthor's Response: Thank you for your lovely review.
I'm so sorry that you could relate to any aspect of this. I can't but writing it made me excessively sad and hopeful that relationships like this aren't too common.
I've watched a friend go through something like this and so I wanted to write about a relationship that doesn't necessarily constitute a happy ending.
Thanks for reading :D Report Review
In such a short amount of words, you've really captured something. I was really drawn into this story and even though it was a really short story, I felt that it worked better as short, rather than having a really long chapter. Although, I really wanted to know what happened last night - I'm thinking that they had a really bad argument.
I've never been in a relationship like James and Gia's, but the type of relationship that James and Gia is in, seems to be really bad for Gia at least. As I was reading the story, I was sort of wishing that James would leave and not come back. But of course he did come back and the circle started all over again. I thought the writing was really beautiful and I could just feel the emotion in it.
I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling errors, its always nice to read a story without mistakes glaring out at you. Also for this being your first story, I was really impressed.
CharlieAuthor's Response: You're totally right. It was another really bad argument. Hours of saying exactly what will aggravate the other and making really cruel comments. They both have their insecurities so you can imagine how nasty the argument could potentially be.
Like yourself, I've never been in a relationship like James and Gia's but it sounds toxic for the both of them. I imagine that both of them want it to end and at the same time love each other too much.
I'm really glad you liked it and your review really made my previously crappy day :D. I wanted it to be emotional but not overdramatic or unrealistic. I hope it doesn't sound too unrealistic that she continually sticks with him but I feel like Gia is a character that A) gives as good as she gets and B) feels like she can save the broken James S. Potter because at the end of the day, he's the guy of her dreams. Also, James is the type of guy that manipulates Gia so he builds up her confidence and shatters it again because that's his nature.
I'm rambling :/. Thankyouthankyouthankyou,
peanuts11 Report Review
Hello! I'm sorry for the slight delay in getting this review to you, as promised -- yesterday turned out to be a bit more hectic than I'd anticipated, and it's only now that I've found time to sit down and read this.
I love the Every Word Counts challenge, and consequently love reading other entries people have submitted into it! (I think at this point I've done four or five of my own.) The succinctness of the piece really does you well in this, too -- there's a terseness about it that almost juxtaposes the depression of the break-up. And I think one of the things I like most about it is the notion of the circle, when really your story actually comes full circle and thus becomes stylistically significant. The emotions carried across very well, and yet underlying it all was a sort of detached feeling: Gia's aware of the circle, and knows it'll continue to makes its loops.
You have a really good grasp of the mechanics of writing, too, which I always love seeing! I won't necessarily not read something sprinkled with typos and missed commas, but it's always appreciated to see a polished story, too; you obviously spent a long time on this, and it shows.
Very well done! This really is a good start for your very first story on the archives, and I'm glad you asked me to take a look at it. Keep it up -- you've got lots of promise! :)Author's Response: Aaaah, thank you so much for your review. It gave me the boost I really needed.
When I first saw the Every Word Counts challenge, I instantly knew that it was for me because I love writing but never have hours to dedicate to it.
Also the idea of every word holding significant meaning makes me feel like Thomas Hardy or D.H Lawrence :D
Thanks for reading and writing such a lovely review and I'd love to read your take on the EWC challenge :D Report Review
At first, I was unsure how your title fit with your story, but then as I continued to read, I began to understand more and more just exactly what it meant. How horrid those type of circles are, the ones that keep your emotions locked up and keep giving you hope that isn't needed. I liked that James seemed to be kind of a lost soul, actually they both seemed to be that way, but for James thats a very unusal characterization so it was rather nice to see. The every word counts challenge is rather wonderful and exciting but yet can be hard because how do you sum up all of what you want to say in such few words, but I think you've done a great job of it here! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Your review seriously made my day so thank you so much :D
I know exactly what you mean, I kind of just poured myself into this one-shot where these two rather self-destructive characters are never going to work. It's really sad to see as well. Thanks for noticing the characterisation of James. I kind of had the idea that James was someone who buckled under the pressure of family expectation and wasn't the typical 'jock hero' of my story. So he takes out his feelings of inadequacy on Gia, who is effectively a doormat.
So in a simpler world, they are made for each other and if they weren't flawed they would be perfect but sadly, in my world of fanfiction/reality nothing is black and white.
But seriously, enough of my rambling, thanks for making my day :D
peanuts11 xx Report Review
Hi! I'm here from the forums with your review. Sorry it's a bit late... I've been kind of busy this week.
Okay, so I have to say that for this being your first story on HPFF, it's really well-written! I personally have never tried the Every Word Counts challenge, so I can admire you for even attempting this... 500 words can say a lot, but only if they can work together to convey what needs to be said. I think you've done that very well here, but there are a few things that I would like to mention.
With your first line, I couldn't really tell if it was "she" speaking, or if it was someone else. It turned out to be someone else, but I think you could probably add a "he said" after the dialogue so that it's a bit more clear.
Thirst is spoken of as being "quenched." "Clenched" is for jaws and knuckles when under extreme stress or annoyance. That's an easy one to mix up because hey sound so similar. :)
That's all the criticism I have. It was a sad, but excellent read. I hope to see more of you on the archives in the future!! :)
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Thanks for this. The things you picked up I noticed from a prior review and am in the process of changing but thanks for pointing it out. I guess when you read something over and over, you tend to overlook mistakes like that.
I hope I'll have time to write longer stories in the future :D
peanuts11 Report Review
This was beautiful. It really was. And to think you wrote something so breathtaking in 500 words!
I liked the idea of the never-ending circle that was just about tearing Gia to shreds. It was heartbreaking! Thankfully, you described it in a way that left it beautiful and not cheesy. Because of the way you wrote it I definitely do not think it was too dramatic. You definitely approached this plot with good taste so it kept this story believable and not cheesy.
This is an interesting read! You covered so much raw hurt, pain and even frustration in 500 words! That is quite the feat! I loved that she was determined that the circle had to end, it had to stop, but then he comes back. And the cycle of pain continues. The last line is really important, and you handled it really well!
The only errors that really stood out to me was:
'When her thirst was clenched'
'But now, she died a tiny bit inside knowing that he had ever loved her.'
I think you meant quenched? And as for the second one at first I thought you meant never rather than ever but I suppose both really would fit. So the second one is only a possible typo?
I'm thoroughly impressed! Also, I apologize for the length of this review but I've noticed my reviews get shorter when the chapters do!
EverAuthor's Response: Aaah, well spotted on the two mistakes. I must have read it so many times that I'm immune to noticing my silly typos. :/.
This (not at all long and very much appreciated) review really made me smile so thank you :D.
Also, thanks for abating my worries over this one-shot. It took me a long time to post it because sometimes I'd read it and feel that it was slightly ridiculous and way too dramatic and other times I'd read it and just not be sure so your opinion really means a lot.
peanuts11 xx Report Review
I seriously love this. I think you did this remarkably well. It's just dramatic enough and not over the top. I really really like it this and I don't know what else to say. Definitely have a go at writing something like this again, it's amazing!Author's Response: Thank you for being so nice. I really struggled with not making it overly dramatic but also not making it ridiculous and not thought out in 500 words. And I hope there's a potential for the depth of the characters to be explored.
I seem to be really into writing angst and break ups so I'm sure something like this will crop up soon.
Thanks :D Report Review
Hello! I'm here from the Hufflepuff review tag over on the forums! I think you did a really good job with this story, especially considering the fact that you couldn't draw it out much! It was definitely packed with emotions, and you accomplished the story coming full circle, like the title says! One thing I did feel was that your story had points where there was more depth, and points where it felt more surfacey if that makes sense. But overall, this was a great first fanfic! You've definitely got a really strong start if you want to continue writing stories! 9/10
Cassie :)Author's Response: Thanks for being so nice. I completely understand what you mean. 500 words really isn't a lot but I'm glad it's readable hahaa Report Review
Wow that was pretty good.
I liked it. I hope you upload more
xxxAuthor's Response: My first review.
Thank you so much for being so kind. I'm hoping to upload more but I always seem to be busy and so I'm starting to ease myself into the world of HPFF. I've got a few stories forming though.
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