Hey! Mya here from the tag =)
This is soo good!! aww Jamsie! haah I haven't really read anything from his POV so its a nice change!
Great start =) I really like this idea!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :D Report Review
Wooo!!! New chapter :)
hahaha, I love the "Shake a leg. Too soon?" bit. And it's so nice seeing poor James have company there, other than Kaitlin. And I'm so glad we finally get to see gait training; a change of scenery from James lying in bed is a nice touch! And yeeahhh Witch Weekly!!! XD
I love the subtle flirting with James and Florence (beautimus name, by the way). They're already so cute and they've barely gotten to know one another. Love, love, love it!
FYI, this chapter summary says August 17 and the one before that says August 22. I don't know if that's intentional, but I thought I'd point it out just in case. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for pointing that out to me! Ooops! Talk about a mistake on my part :P Ha!
And yes, I did rather enjoy putting angsty James back in his box for a while, and gait training was surprisingly fun to write :D
In my mind, James is a rather flirty character, so yes, we introduced some flirtiness there :D Report Review
Hullo! Here to swap :)
They have very expressive dialogue! James moaning over being twenty-four and with get out of there on a cane at best, and at how Florence has little sympathy and patience for her patient. I love her unrelenting bluntness, hehe unlike James, and I hope it keeps up, maybe even to the point of callousness, because it's definitely an interesting part of her and their dynamic. I can also understand James' point of view; lots of people enter a deep depression post-injury of this magnitude.
As some other people suggested, some more description would pair nicely with the scene, not only to describe things but to slow the scene down, as I don't have a good sense of how much time passes. The pace of their conversation seems to speed right past because there isn't any description or action to slow it down.
Some typos and such:
your family are -> your family is
considiring -> considering
I think you meant to make a new paragraph starting from “Look, you can’t hole yourself up in this room James. and “You are also under my care,
Hope that helps! That story that gave you the idea sounds really inspiring :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading this :D Excitement :) I am definitely going to go back over this chapter over the holliers, but it was a bit of a mad rush trying to submit stuff before the queue closed, so I didn't get a chance to do it then :) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS :D Report Review
Yay a new chapter! It was sooo good :P I like Lily she's really cool and funny.Author's Response: Thank you :) I'm glad you like Lily :) Report Review
I think that this first chapter does a great job of setting up your story! I love the idea that James is in the hospital and really just sees his life as being over since he can no longer play Quidditch. One thing I would suggest though is to add in some more description. The dialogue is done well but without much description I can't really picture anything that is going on. What does his room look like, what does the healer look like (besides her honey colored eyes), maybe dive into his thoughts. is he brooding about not being able to play quidditch is he just completely lost at the moment. Adding in these small things can really help the reader get a better picture of your story. I think that this is a good chapter and it does what it needs too, catches the readers interest and introduces your main characters, I would just like to see more description to really bring it to life. The flow was really great though along with characterization I thought! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you :)
Right now, I'm kind of focusing on getting as many things as I can into the queue before the validators go on Christmas break :P But over Christmas, I will definitely go back and tweak a few things here and there, I have been told before to add in more descriptions, and I definitely will when I get the chance! Thank you for reading and reviewing :D Report Review
I knew I had read this story before, but I couldn't place it because I've had so many requested reviews for Next-Gens on the ol' forums. But yours totally stands out in my mind amongst the others; I'm really excited to see that you've updated!
And I feel so stupid--I completely misread your last chapter. XD I thought that it was your female OC in St. Mungo's, but I really like the way it's going now that I realize who is actually who. I'd consider going back to check ways that you could clarify that it's James in the bed in the first place; I'll have to re-read it but I feel like possibly we aren't given specific mention of who it is? But like I said, it could totally just be me.
Interesting that James now has a scar, like his dad. :)
I liked Florence's bit, "You can just expect somebody to wave their wand..." because it actually applies in the HP universe XD Did I mention that I love that she's a Creevey? It's so perfect; she definitely shares Colin's and Dennis's upbeat attitude.
I want to know some physical descriptions, about James and Florence particularly. We do know that James has a shaved head, and can assume that he's athletic, but I need more, more, more! :D In fact, I'd like it if your chapters were longer in general; how does James spend his time? What exactly happened the last time in gait therapy? I feel like one of my old professors harping at you, but it really is so important: show, don't tell! :)
I do love your ending line though. Poor James. I like his pessimism.
I'll send you a PM shortly! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I am definitely going to start writing longer chapters, and I have taken your advice and gotten myself a beta :)
Thank you so much for all your help! You have given me new inspiration :D And for that you deserve a hug! Consider yourself hugged :)
Thank you so much! :D Report Review
Hi there! I'm apondinabluebox over on the HPFF forums, and I thought I'd review this as well as offering to beta! I quite like the original situation that you've put James in, and I'm curious to know what bombshell Kaitlin is about to drop. :)
Florence is quite a fun character, I'm interested to see how she develops. :P
I think you're off to a good start, keep the good work up! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for offering to be my beta!!! :D I'm glad you like the plot :) And just thank you so much again for offering :) Report Review
please update quickly. I quite like the concept of this story. its and and light and not to serious.Author's Response: Don't worry :) Update will be coming very soon :) Report Review
This seems like a great ff, it has an original plot so far. And I love the way you describe James.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :D Will be updating soon :D Report Review
Hello, this is LoopyLemon with your requested review. As you only requested this chapter, this is the only chapter I have read.
I was intrigued by this chapter. You characterised your characters well. They were all realistic and believable. Though I don't know how old James is, he feels like an angsty teenager who is going through something horrible.
I feel like I can guess what Kaitlin is going to say and it doesn't sound like good news. Poor James. I hope he is ok.
This chapter is quite short and not very much happens in it. I don't think it is boring or uninteresting, but there is not a large amount of content in here that will keep people coming back for more. Your writing is good however and it seems you know your characters well. You could have maybe put James' gait training before Kaitlin came. That way you would have the opportunity for some humour and given the reader a little bit more to read. Though as more of this story gets posted, the shorter chapters become less of an issue.
This chapter was enjoyable and well written. Please keep on writing :DAuthor's Response: Thank you :) I'm glad you were interested by this chapter, because that was one of my biggest concerns :) I know it was on the short side, but it felt like the right length at the time. . . . . ah well! I will definitely be adding in some of James' gait training at a later stage! Thank you for such a nice review :) Report Review
First of all, I definitely thought that the main character was a woman for some reason. I'm not really sure why now. But i maintain that you've developed HIM very well. I'm starting to get the sense that he's quite compassionate. I think you could slow the pace down slightly. Perhaps include anecdotes about the relationship between Kaitlin and James so that him dumping her seems a lot more powerful.
Otherwise, carry on. I know i'm going to enjoy reading this.Author's Response: Thank you again :) I didn't realise everything was a bit rushed, thank you for telling me. I was planning on revealing a bit more about Kaitlin and James's relationship in later chapters, but I might just go back and add in a few more details to make it more powerful, as you said! Report Review
I really love the plot idea. I haven't seen it here on HPFF before. I think it's a really good opener and I really like how we don't know much about the protagonist but that she's passionate about Quidditch and very stubborn as it slowly allows us to piece together her personality without an overabundance in the first chapter like many other stories do. Although i see the relevance in this chapter, I think there is a lot of dialogue in this chapter, which isn't matched by the level of description included.Author's Response: Thank you :) I'll most certainly go back and look at the dialouge, maybe tweak it a little in places, and try and balance it out! Report Review
Wasn't the best? It was awesome!!
I love the characterisation, the character of Florence is pure genius, and the whole originality of the injury is not just creative, but amazingly well written too, very believable.
The story title is very awesome and catchy :)
Please add the next chapter soon, this story is brilliant and ended on a very annoying cliff hanger.
I love the way you portray James too, realistic and avoiding the stereotyping of him!! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for such a nice review :D I'm glad you like Florence :) She is a bit like my friend to be honest, blunt and to the point, but with a soft nature :) I really like the way she's turned out :D I actually kind of got the idea for the injury from a story in a newspaper, and this story literally just strolled into my head :) Thank you for reviewing :) Report Review
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review--and I'd say it's about time, considering all the lovely reviews you've left me recently. So here we go!
Really great introductory paragraph. I like that it's short and sweet, yet just enough to draw the reader in, before switching to the back-story. Nicely done! Also I don't remember ever seeing the sun being compared to a laser. Really nice, harsh imagery and a unique metaphor!
OH MY GOD YOUR OC IS 24. I am already in love with this story. It's so rare to find a post-Hogwarts fic with characters at this age. Yay, I'm really excited now! Also you have a really great and subtle explanation that she is in the hospital and has a specific healer watching over her; I really like your subtlety rather than stating "I was in the hospital and I had a healer."
One thing that I really think would help is finding a beta reader! :) Or if you're not lazy like me, taking the time to go back and edit your punctuation (because that's really the only place I see glaring errors.) Particularly in your dialogue, where there are periods or commas missing at the end of a spoken sentence. It would really help with your story's readability! :)
You also have given us a wonderful glimpse into the history of your OC just through dialogue, and I laughed aloud at the line, “Well I think I’m Florence Creevey, but I’m pretty sure you have some choice words to describe me.” I think that maybe some additional background information would be beneficial here--even if it's as slight as describing the room of the hospital or what your OC's hair looks like or her noticing how long it had gotten since she was lying in bed or something. You're really great with dialogue, but I'd like to see some more prose here :) In fact, your author's note is longer than any actual description within the story XD
I loved the ending of the chapter; "The last thing I wanted. An optimist." Great! You've set your OC in the perfect situation to grow and become a completely different person and change her life. Wonderful! I'm so glad you asked me to review this story; it's going on my favorites for sure.Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a nice review :) I am in the process of finding a beta for this story, because another person suggested I find one as well :D Thank you so much for such a nice review :) Report Review
Hi darling! Here for your review!
I really love that you are tackling a challenging topic. When people have something, like their ability to do what it is they love, taken away..it's a huge deal. I don't usually see that in fan fic, so I'm excited to be reading it!
I like the personalities of your characters so far. James seems a bit spoiled, but he probably deserves to feel like he's feeling. Though everyone needs that push to get them going.
The Potters finding a new healer, one that would push him and try to get him back to life again, seems really in character. I doubt they'd let their oldest son waste his life away pitting himself, especially after they gave so much to make sure their children would have freedom and safety. I mean, if anyone has been through hell it's Harry, so though he's probably sympathetic to his son, I doubt he's okay with this behavior. You showed that very well in this first chapter!
It might be worth looking for a beta. I think having a beta is so awesome, I don't know what I'd do without mine! But I suggest that mainly because your dialogue punctuation makes this a bit difficult to read. You've only closed it a few times. And having the open quotation marks without ever having an ending kids exhausting for the brain to processes. I didn't see any errors besides punctuation, so if you added the correct ones to the dialogue this would read very smoothly!
I also kind of felt myself imagining these blurry faces. Maybe just a bit of subtle detail about what they look like, and what the room around them looks like..
“Who are you?” I asked *pushing the cream duvet off of me chest*, not really caring about my manners.--
Just little things like that that don't disrupt the flow but give us a bit more of what our scene looks like. That would help break up the dialogue a bit as well :)
Again, I think it's awesome that you're tackling such a difficult topic! I'm excited to see where it goes, and I hope this was a helpful review!
Feel free to rerequest, of course!
JamiAuthor's Response: Thank you so much :) This was a really helpful review! I will look into getting a beta reader, because who doesn't need one of those! I kind of wanted James to be portrayed as a little bit spoilt, because that will help with portraying his character development :) Thank you again for such a helpful review! Report Review
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