Hello there, teh tarik from the forums finally here with your requested review. I apologise for the terribly long period of time I've taken to attend to your request.
So, this is an interesting start! Your summary was really captivating and I do think that the fairytales are a very creative idea with lots of potential to become a great story. Your characterisation of Draco and Hermione is very well done, and both characters are pretty much spot-on with canon. I really enjoy the detail you've gone into to locate your story in canon timeline e.g. just after Fred and George's departure, after the DA has been busted. It certainly allows for a lot of foreshadowing and irony, especially the whole thing with Harry and his Occlumency. I really like that atmosphere of tension and oppression you've created to depict a Hogwarts run under the tyranny of Dolores Umbridge; this was very clear in the story segments containing Hermione's POV. Conversely, segments with Draco's POV appear to be more relaxed in tone, possibly to reflect his sense of power and ease with the current situation.
In your Areas of Concern, you specifically mentioned the POV shifts between Draco and Hermione. Well, you have nothing to worry about. They are very clearly delineated from each other and you have separated them into different parts which alternate throughout the chapter. I think the shifts are pretty straightforward. I've come across stories where POV shifts occur randomly and somewhat clumsily, so I think your story is easy to understand. So, great work on writing and building such a carefully constructed narrative. Also, their POVs really reinforce their characterisation so well done on that.
Another thing I enjoyed about your story is the little details here and there e.g Draco's wand falling down a "wand-shaped hole" in the Room of Requirement. That was actually really funny. And Draco's disdain and condescenscion toward not only Hermione but his own mates Crabbe and Goyle. And how funny is it that Crabbe and Goyle are lobbing rocks into the lake to provoke a reaction from the giant squid?!
I would advise you to watch the story pacing. It all flows well, but there is a rather long beginning - of setting the scene, the relationships between characters, the state of the school etc. - before the first action in the Room takes place. I think you would have a more engaging and effective story if you'd shortened the smaller bickering scenes between the Trio. What I'm saying is, I think you should bring the action forward and set up characters, locations and other canon events as you write the main action scenes.
Do watch out of awkward sentences here and there, e.g. However, as she began to brush her finger across the spines of the books as she read each title, she slowly began to realize there were not so many books at all. You might want to break them up a little so your entire narrative flows better.
Alright, I've really enjoyed reading your first chapter. I'm interested to see where (or which fairytale) the pair of them end up in :) I think this is a great start! Thanks for requesting and apologies once again for the extreme lateness of my review
-teh Report Review
This is sweeetlovelygirl with your requested review. I really love Dramiones and this plot seems really great! It's really interesting and I would honestly like to know how ends.
There are a few errors and typos, so maybe you could revise this chapter sometime. But apart from that there is not much to say about this. It's just great! :D
Please ask me for another review when your second chapter is up!
-Xxx- SLG Report Review
Hi it's preeah from the forums! and what caught my eye about this particular story is the whole plot, it sounds like it would be such good fun. Anyway as I tend to do, I picked up on a few things..
In this: "meet her eye..." it should probably be 'eyes' as she has two ;)
And in here: "ask question that stupid." - it should be 'ask a question' because it's singular.
Also: "to revoke against our " - i think you meant 'revolt' because to revoke means to take away so to revoke against doesn't make sense. :P
Anyway, onto the story, I reaally really liked which is a surprise because I'm not normally a Dramione fan... but I don't know, the whole concept of this story is really interesting and I'm definitely favouriting this story! I really want to know what happens next! Also, can I just applaud you on your ability to perfectly characterise all of JK Rowling's characters? The way you depicted Harry, Ron, Hermione and especially Draco were spot on.. actually, you made Draco so much more sympathetic to the readers! Like for a non-Dramione fan, you made me root for them! Although your language is more narrative than descriptive, you are still able to make use bond with your characters. The flow is wonderful as well; not too fast, not too slow! So yay!
Anyway, you better keep writing because now that you made me root for Dramione, I need to know what happenes next!! :)Author's Response: I love you so much for pointing out those mistakes, seriously. I'm submitting the edited version now.
Thank you for the compliments on characterization and everything else. I really appreciate your favorite.
I can't think of much else to reply to because I'm so excited that someone pointed out mistakes. Gah, I can't get over it :D Report Review
Cool idea! looking forward to the rest of the story! Report Review
This is a great story I love the plot its awesome :D I would love to read more and can you please tell me a bit about the tom riddle stories please :) or at lest tell what they're called Report Review
An epic start cant wait to find out how your gonna carry it on, so please update soon. Report Review
Hey, it's me from review tag. :)
So, first of all, this is an interesting premise - though I will admit I was a little bit sceptical at first - and a good, solid start to the kind of fic you're hoping to write, which is great. Well done!
Both Draco and Hermione are fairly IC, which is something sadly not often seen in Dramiones, and so well done there too.
However - I don't know if it's just me being stupid, but I cannot fathom this bit at all:
Draco bit the inside of his cheek. Just for books? Any books? "Tell you what, Granger, stay here until I'm done looking around and I might let you leave with only one hex as well as whatever you came here for."
Erm... what wasn't he?
Anyway - apart from that - this looks to be developing into a decent read, so good luck writing. :)Author's Response: To answer your question:
He wasn't going to let her leave with only one hex as well as whatever she came there for. He was going to turn her in to Umbridge anyway.
Thank you for the review. Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
To begin, I really like your idea because I love fairy tales. I'm intrigued as to the manner in which you will integrate Hermione and Draco into the stories; will they replace the characters themselves or will they merely be placed into the story as active participants? Either way, there is a lot of possibility for fun with this idea. :)
I think that you did a good job with Hermione and Draco's interactions in this chapter. Their recognition of each other earlier in the chapter, whether intentional or not, gave the impression that they were aware of each other. This gives a good basis for their future relationship (something that I expect you will eventually write, since you're writing a story centered around them).
Your characterization of individual people was good too. I thought that your descriptions of Harry and Ron's actions were particularly accurate and you captured Draco's thought process very well. Of course he thinks he's above doing certain tasks and thinks that he has great skill at manipulation. Your characterization of Hermione was good as well, though there were moments where I felt that her actions were a little odd. For instance, I don't think that Hermione would have been plotting to get Umbridge removed via blackmail-- she probably would think first about removing her by manner of rule violations. However, it's a small thing and overall your characterizations were good!
While reading through your story I didn't notice any aspects of it that seemed unnecessary. You provided reasons as to why both Hermione and Draco would be at the Room of Requirement (very believable reasons, might I add) and I expect that you will explain the incident with the book in greater detail later in the story. There were no points in the story where I was confused as to why something had happened or why a character had ended up where they had.
As well, although I think that you did a great job of explaining the characters' actions and thoughts, I think that you could include more detail on the setting. At the beginning of the chapter it took me several moments to realize that they were in the Great Hall and not the Gryffindor Common Room, as I had originally thought. Furthermore, physical description can make your story seem even more realistic, a tool that I think you'll want to employ when you start describing the fantastical fairy tale worlds that Hermione and Draco will find themselves in.
All in all, I think that you're off to a good start with this story. You have an interesting plot idea and your characterizations are solid. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: I found it interesting that you thought it was in the Gryffindor Common Room because when I had first written this, that was exactly where they had been. I changed it to the Great Hall so that Hermione's point of view would be longer and for other reasons I cannot recall at the moment.
The beginning description of the next chapter is a bit longer than I would have liked, but maybe I'll keep it that way and see how reviewers react to it.
Anyway, thank you for your review and I'll keep what you've said in mind. Report Review
This is such an exciting start to the story. I love how you established the characters so that it links directly to the canon as it highlights their individual personalities. I liked how even the first chapter was charged with sexual tension.
I love, love, love the possibility of Draco and Hermione so I like how neither character has strayed from normal and even though some parts are slightly overdone like the timetravel thing, which i assume is where this is leading. I just know that you're detailed and critical style of writing will avoid any cringey cliches.
I can't wait to read the rest of this :D
peanuts11Author's Response: Sexual tension? Really? Wasn't my intention but that works :P
I changed the summary of the story just a bit.
Thank you for the review. Report Review
Hey it's hannnahgracr with your requested review.
I really liked this chapter as an opening, you really jumped into the plot which is a good thing because it has made me want to read more. I'm a big fan of Draco/Hermione which added to my enjoyment. I really like the idea of your story and I'll be coming back to read more chapters even if you don't request reviews! Keep up the great work and update soon :-)Author's Response: Thank you for the review :D Report Review
The story sounds really good. The idea is interesting. Can't wait to read more! And I also love your banner. :) Report Review
Wow. I expect more!!! Please :) I'm currently writing one involving an enchanted storybook- though I think I like this consept better :) Proud to announce KCK that I didn't find any grammatical errors (but I am definatly NOT an editor)... Cant wait for more..
~sillylion Report Review
Love it! plz keep updateing! Report Review
hey i love this story , please update soon :D Report Review
WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER! I HATE SUSPENSE! AND THIS STORY IS AWSOME! Report Review
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