Before I begin, I want to apologise for taking so ridiculously long to get around to your review. I had quite a long backlog. Anyway, moving on to your review.
I thought this was an interesting start to a fanfiction. Quite frankly, I didn't see any resemblances to the wizarding world (I'm assuming it'll be popping up in the next few chapters). I should have recognised immediately that the narrator was living in the Muggle world, because, duh, she was using a computer. That was merely my own stupidity. Once again.
The characterisation was okay throughout the chapter. Unless I completely missed it, readers are never actually introduced to the narrator. We know she's a girl that's never been on a date, but we don't even know her name. Not much is revealed about her in this chapter, making it a challenge for readers to relate to her.
The plot was a little slow, but that's expected in the first chapter of any story. The events were a bit confusing, though, simply because you were throwing so many new, unnamed characters at readers. I found these two paragraphs particularly confusing:
"A girl sitting at the front of the class stopped scribbling something in her notebook and turned around, waving at the boy who had been in the middle. He smiled at her. She smiled back. A boy who could have easily been related to her scowled at the boy who had been in the middle. The boy who had been in the middle either didnít notice, or didnít care.
The boy who could have easily been related to the girl seemed out of place Ė mostly because he looked at least two years older than everyone else. The athlete who sat next to the boy who could have easily been related to the girl nudged the boy in the side and whispered something in his ear. The boy visibly loosened up and laughed."
Wow. Some names would have definitely helped. I was completely, hopelessly lost through that section. I feel that the narrator would have, at the very least, known her classmates' names and been able to divulge them to the reader.
I noticed a few minor spelling and grammar mistakes, but they didn't detract from the chapter overall.
The flow of the chapter was good. You transitioned beautifully from one event to the next.
Overall, lovely job! Keep up the great writing! Report Review
I love this!
Update soon please!:)Author's Response:
Aw, thanks! I'll be updating as soon as my school musical is over and done with - got a lot on my plate right now! :)
-PsySp Report Review
I like it. Still intriguing, interesting, funny and a tad confusing. This is going to be so much fun. Hehe. ...I wonder how Lily will deal. Also, suddenly teaching Potions and playing Quidditch, that's going to be hard.
I want to know a little more about Cher, I guess. But whatever you choose to write about - I'm going to read it. Good story.Author's Response:
*grins* Glad yah still like it! I've got a bunch up my sleeve... In fact, it's probably all the way up my pants and shirt too. XD
And I think you'll be more than happy with what you get to learn about Cher next chappie... *hint hint hint* ;) Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
To begin, let me just reassure you that you don't have a thing to worry about in terms of this story being interesting. It's beyond interesting- I don't think that I've ever read a fanfiction with a plotline even close to this one. The sheer newness of it will keep people coming back to read the new chapters and I'm sure that whatever plot(s) you have created for once they're actually in the wizarding world will be just as original. Bravo!
If you're looking to make this story more eye-catching from the get-go, I would request a banner at TDA if you don't want to make one yourself, since many people tend to stop and read the summary based on the banner.
I will admit that it took me a few reads through on the first chapter to understand that you were changing the perspectives. This can be a great technique but it felt as though you were flipping through them too quickly because each section was so short. I know that you would want to keep the first chapter very suspenseful but as the chapters go on, I would increase the length and detail of each perspective so that we can get a better understanding of their character. It definitely did help, though, that some of your characters are so different- with their immediately contrasting personalities it made it quite obvious that you were doing something with your sections.
As well, I liked how you set their world up so that it became obvious that the story wasn't taking place in the Wizarding world. The first clue - the "typing fingers"- you slipped in really well and it was what first caught my attention, because it's a well known fact that technology doesn't work around magic. You did it really well in very few words. However, as I mentioned before, I would be careful to increase the amount of description you include as your story settles into its stride. Without description the reader can't visualize what's happening in the story and that's something that will turn them off it.
The characters you have here are very interesting and seem to be very unique and from very different life-styles. I'm very interested to see how they interact with each other and the different perspectives that they have on their new adventure. I'm also very interested to learn why they were chosen out of everyone...
As for your flow, I think that you did a good job with your flow within sections- it was just when you jumped from point of view to point of view that the flow became a little rocky. This is most likely because you're writing from the first person for all of your characters, which forces the reader to rely on personality clues to figure out whose perspective it is. In the future, I would try and really be clear (without outright stating whose perspective it is) whose point of view it is through use of personality clues and name dropping (i.e. I turned to Albus, my brother, and said...- and sorry that it's not the greatest of examples...).
The only other comment I will make is that I would be careful with tenses. You switched a few times between past and present tense- I would choose just one tense, based on which one you're more comfortable with. Present tense tends to be used more for action stories while past tense can be used more easily for description.
All in all, I think that you're off to a fantastic start with your story. You have an amazingly original idea on your hands and you've started your story out well- all that remains is for the plot to truly thicken and for it to be fleshed out just a little bit more. Thank you for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful! (Feel free to re-request!).Author's Response:
Thanks for the great advice!
About the banner - I've already requested one a couple weeks back. (Still waiting on someone to pick it up, but you know, patience is a virtue! ;))
After reading through your whole review, I understand that the main issue I have is with making the sections too choppy, and of course a bit confusing. That's what I was worried about, but you confirming it makes it quite obvious what I have to edit. :)
Ooh, tense is something I've always had an issue with - I've been trying extra careful to be consistent, but sometimes I just can't get past tense to sound normal with what I'm trying to write. *mental note of things to improve on* X)
This was really helpful (like, as helpful as a bunch of cute puppies are when you want to make your day better ;)) and I'm thinking that I'll be re-requesting after I edit the first few chapters with your suggestions! Report Review
This first chapter is very interesting. It doesn't give away pretty much anything about the plot and it leaves the reader wanting to know what on earth is going on and why they aren't at Hogwarts! I also really enjoyed the way you wrote each perspective. It was a bit confusing at first because I was expecting it to be a girl's perspective throughout the entire story, but then I realised what was happening pretty quickly :)
I honestly love how you haven't told us who their names until the very end. To be honest, I still don't know who's who but I really like that about it! Also, the way you've included Mr. McKinley's perspective is another good idea!
Good job with your first chapter! :DAuthor's Response: Aw, thanks a lot! I'm glad you liked that aspect of it. :) Haha, which POV did you like most? (My personal favorite is Gavin...)
Well, fourth chapter's gonna be up soon, and I hope you liked the fanfiction enough to read the new chapter when it's validated! :)
PsySp Report Review
Tagging you from the Review Tag 2.0 thread.
Sorry about the mix-up. I hope you don't mind me reading and reviewing you.
So you have something very interesting in the works here. I'm not sure what. I really have only the barest idea to be honest. Now that I look, I see that you have a lot of Next Gen characters in your list. Honestly, I try not to look at the character listing when I'm reading and reviewing a new story for the first time. I like to see whether I can figure it out for myself. Now that I look at the list, some of them seem rather obvious. But I really enjoyed the sense of mystery that you created before I went and looked. See, I really loathe stories where the author just backs up the truck and dumps the entire plot on me during the first chapter. I like to have to guess. I like to have to wait a bit to find out what's really going on. And you are definitely making me wait.
The narrator of the first section, I'm going to guess, is Lily. I liked her entire observation of the difficulties of being teenaged and single. And totally friend-zoned by all of her male friends, from the sound of it. She sounds like a very typical teenager.
The second section, I'm going to guess, is Albus? This is a fairly typical characterization for him: kind of a quiet loner. At least it seems like he and Lily are together, whatever it is that's going on here. I'm not sure what to guess about their circumstances. They all seem to be in the muggle world, somehow or other.
The third... James? It would seem to be either James or Teddy. An athlete, obviously, and somewhat fashion-conscious.
I'm drawing a total blank on the fourth narrator. But you did drop one very tantalizing piece of information into this. "Foster parents". "Home". Hmmnn... You've started my suspicion machine turning. Have all of these magical children been pulled out of their normal lives somehow and thrust into the muggle world, much like Harry was?
The teacher doesn't seem like he belongs among the others. Then again, perhaps he does. The men in suits seem ominous. At least something is going to happen quickly.
The last narrator, again, seems like it could be James or Teddy. A smart kid, popular, lots of friends.
Then there's the dynamic among the five protagonists in the classroom. Again, very interesting. The boy and girl who could have been related make me think of Lily and Albus. The others are a little hard to place. But they're all obviously wrapped up in whatever the men in suits are there for.
You know, I really like this so far. Your storytelling style is so unconventional for a Next Gen story. Very mysterious and though-provoking. You've drawn me into this in an aggressive way, making me want -- no, need -- to find out what's going on here.
Your writing style is really good. I like the way that you mix up the characters' inner monologue and narrative. It's very engaging. Also pretty much flawless. I didn't see any spelling or grammar problems. The only thing I found a little jarring was some of the profanity right near the beginning. Profanity doesn't bother me if it's useful and in context. In this case, I just didn't feel like you needed it. It felt kind of gratuitous.
Overall, a great start to your story. You grabbed my attention, and I'm very glad I found this.Author's Response: I don't mind at all! When people leave reviews like this, you tend to stop caring about any sorts of mix-ups! X)
About the "mysterious aspect" of the story - I actually got the idea from a novel I've been reading recently. Sadly, it's written in Russian and I could only find and Italian translation. (If you're Russian or Italian though, it's called "The House in Which...")
As much as I like to keep people guessing, you'll find that a lot of your questions are answered in the second and third chapter. I do hope that you remain curious about what happens next though...
Thanks for your tips and complements, I'll be sure to look over the profanity when I go through and edit my first few chapters! (I have a few spots that I'd like to fix up.)
Thanks a lot!
-PsySp Report Review
What an interesting concept! I've never seen anything like this before, its very original. I have to admit, reading the first chapter I was kind of confused about where it was going and I'm glad I kept reading to find out. It's really intriguing. You're writing is also very nice, you seem to have a natural flow and the different character perspectives (in this chapter particularly) were very well written.
Looking forward to see where this will go, keep up the good work! :)Author's Response: *grins* Whew. I'm so glad it flowed well for you!
Haha, that's always my biggest fear - that it makes more sense in my head than it does for everyone else. X)
Thanks a lot for reviewing! Report Review
Woah, this certainly is a unique start to a story. I like it. I like the way you're writing it. And I'm very intrigued.Author's Response: Aw, thanks so much! Haha, I'm intrigued about it myself, 'cause I'm not really sure where it's going... :)
*hands over first review badge*
It means a lot! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection