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17 Reviews Found

Review #1, by rogue_bludger Snow in December

14th April 2013:
i love this. we never really get any closure for penelope and percy, so i think this is perfect. :)
~M

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review! I felt that there was never much about Penelope and Percy in the books and I wanted to tell them their story.

Charlie


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Review #2, by patronus_charm Snow in December

6th January 2013:
Hey I just came across this and I'm glad I did:)

I never really thought much about Penelope/Percy as it wasn't really developed much by JK so I just thought of it as a tiny sub-plot, since reading this though I've realised you shouldn't overlook it as it does provide something special as you can view Percy as something which actually could be fancied!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this lovely review. I woke up to find it and it definitely made my day.

I'd never really considered the pairing of Penelope/Percy before I discovered fanfiction. I also thought it was a tiny subplot, but I guess fanfiction has made me realize that a tiny subplot can expand into a much bigger one.

Thanks again.
Charlie


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Review #3, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Snow in December

3rd January 2013:
Interesting start here, for sure. Beginning a story with a break up is so much more unusual than your usual romances, or whatever this is, and the last paragraph especially suggests that this isn't truly the end of Percy and Penelope. You've got so many places you can go from here, and I'm sure you'll bring this story in a good direction.

As good an idea as this is, I found it difficult to immerse myself in the story at times. Part of it was the way Percy and Penelope acted. Their break up, in my opinion, leaned on the generic side, and I was waiting for something new and exciting, to convince me that this was the story I should be reading. That moment did come, but more towards the end, and I'll get to it in a minute. The point is, their whole conversation can be found in countless other stories, and I would've liked more insights, more details, more things that made it unique to these two characters in this particular story.

I also had a hard time with the dialogue, more of a minor thing. If you look back at the chapter, you'll see that Percy and Penelope start out nearly all of their sentences with the other person's name. That's something that does not happen often in real life, and it made their conversation seem stilted. We use people's names to be dramatic, or catch their attention; not everyone time we speak to them. So that threw me off a bit.

However, there were other bits I really enjoyed. The moment I mentioned earlier, the original part, was Percy's promise. Buying her a bookshop. The whole image, of him doing this for her, with her own chair and the tea and everything-- that was fantastic. That's the sort of interesting tidbit that makes a story for me, and I got all warm when I read it because I was thinking, how nice would that be if someone did that for me? Consequently, I understood Penelope's grief following the memory, and really got her character. That's the sort of moment I adore.

So, on the whole, a good start here. There were those things that caught me up, but there were other things, like the bookshop, that made it all worthwhile. I'm also intrigued by Percy's final words! That was a great way to end it, all the more so because Penelope didn't hear him. Nice work.

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Review #4, by graylady01 Snow in December

2nd January 2013:
Hey, graylady01 here with your requested review. I am so sorry for the lateness of this review so I'll jump right in and not waste any more time.

I have never read any fanfictions where Percy is a main as they have never appealed to me. That's why I was genuinely surprised when I found myself instantly drawn in by Penelope's voice. By starting the story with a letter you grabbed my attention and held it - great job.

The only aspect that I think needs attention is the chopping and changing of time. There isn't anything to add to what 'GingerTea' has already said, only that I was sometimes left confused as a reader.

Overall though, this is a fabulous start to what is no doubt, an amazing story.

Keep up the good work,
graylady01

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this review and don't bother about the lateness. After all I'm terribly late in responding to your lovely review.

I wasn't to sure as to whether I should include the letter, I thought that it might distract from the story a little bit so your comment was really welcome to hear.

And thanks for the suggestion, I've had quite a bit of trouble with changing the time. Its definitely something that I'll have to work on.

Thanks again.
Charlie


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Review #5, by The Nargle in the Mistletoe Snow in December

2nd January 2013:
Hello! It’s your procrastinator of a Secret Santa, finally here with your promised reviews. (Sorry again for the delay!)

I like the letters at the beginning. They give us some nice insight into what Penelope is thinking and the status of her relationship with Percy. They also give us a feel for Penelope’s personality and how much she really does care for Percy. Even though she’s annoyed with him and knows their relationship isn’t working, she doesn’t want to hurt or fight with him.

Have you ever considered getting a beta? I noticed a few little typos and mistakes throughout the chapter and I think you could really benefit from having someone beta read this chapter for you.

This chapter works really well as a stand-alone one shot, but it also has the potential to be the beginning of a really nice story. I’m curious to see how you’re planning to continue it. Where are you going to take it from here? Are you going to continue with Penelope does now, or flash back and show us the deterioration of Percy and Penny’s relationship, or something completely different?

Did you recently revise this? I swear that it ended differently when I read it earlier… I like this ending. It seems to lead more smoothly into a longer story.

Overall, I think this is a really lovely start to a promising story. Best of luck continuing it!

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Review #6, by TearsIMustConceal Snow in December

31st December 2012:
I don't usually read Percy/OC stories but i was pleasantly surprised by this and i find myself wanting to read more!

I absolutely love the letters at the beginning, it's a refreshing change to a beginning of a story and i think it immediately says a lot about the character's, especially Penny and the way she feels.

I can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review. Your comment on the letters was really welcome as I was rather concerned about whether or not they were distracting from the story.

Charlie


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Review #7, by GingeredTea Snow in December

31st December 2012:
First off, this is a rolling review, so I'm going to comment on things as I read them. You asked about "reader reaction, emotions, plot flow, imagery, and descriptions", so here goes. I can be a bit of a nit pick on flow and reaction, but that doesn't mean I don't like it. Alright, here I go.

I like the bit of you opening with a letter rather than introducing me to your character first. BUT...then you jump into her thoughts right away. I felt like your next paragraph would have read better mixed up a bit like:

No that wasn’t right.

I screwed up the ball of paper and tossed it into the fire’s eagerly waiting flames. *If I sent that* we would just have another argument like we often did nowadays and I wanted to avoid another one. It just wasn’t worth it.

I sighed and reached for a fresh piece of paper.

.

I like how you transition from the next 'letter draft'.

"I used to be unable to go a week without seeing him."

How about: I thought back to when I(/WE Did he lover her?)hadn't been able to go a week without seeing him(each other).

But that was before he had turned his back on his family and friends in favor of the Ministry. WAS I SIMPLY JUST ANOTHER ONE HE HAD TURNED FROM IN FAVOR OF THE MINISTRY?

But I disagreed with the choices that he made.

Why was he being so stupid about Dumbledore and Harry Potter? And what he said to his family... It was just horrible.

.

I love all the words you have here so far, but think you might want to look into rearranging some of the sentence sequences to make it flow better.

BUT..BUT..BUT - you have three paragraphs beginning with the same word. If you meant it to be repetitive I think you might need to make the structure/flow of the paragraphs as a whole more similar as well.

"But I doubt it, he won’t change anytime soon and I don’t want to keep wasting my life trying to convince him. Maybe one day he’ll come to his senses and realize that he was wrong. But until then, I don’t think we could make it work. Therefore, there was really only one thing that I could do."

This paragraph makes me feel a little like the story and motives are a bit too wishy washy, too many times. She's writing a letter, but she doest think he'll change, etc. I know you then resolve it, but honestly this is the paragraph I would normally just click my 'back button' with and move onto another story. Which isn't good, because I can see this story is good.

What about give us the end conclusion first? Like:

"There was really only one thing that I could do, because I am pretty sure he won’t change anytime soon and I don’t want to keep wasting my life trying to convince him. (you don't need the next sentence because you've already implied one day he MIGHT come to his senses here). Right now I don’t think we could make it work. SO, I pull another piece of paper towards me and dip my quill into the murky black ink."

Good transitions - most of your transitions do flow well and are solid.

"It was 12 o’clock, I had a little under half an hour until I was supposed to meet Percy so I decided to wander down to the bookshop near the café WHERE I was planning on meeting Percy []"

In some places (like the thing I'm about to mention), it almost reads like she is writing in a journal, whereas in other places it is as if it is happening to her right now.

Ex. I checked my watch as I put my coat on. It was 12 o’clock, I had a little under half an hour until I was supposed to meet Percy so I decided to wander down to the bookshop near the café that I was planning on meeting Percy at. HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

EX. Thankfully he had responded to my letter saying that he would meet me. His letter however left much to be desired for. It was short, all it said was, NOT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Otherwise, why would she be able to just include the letter? You need a mental transition here like: "I had been thankful when he had responded" or "Even though he had thankfully responded to my letter, the letter itself had left much to be desired. I thought back to his brief words:"

After the letter you switch back in time. Now she's not longer waiting, she's leaving. Where am I? Was she recalling looking at her watch earlier, or is she recalling it now? And then you repeat the watch thing except 15 minutes later. Huge flow issue for me - easily remedied.

"If it’s a SIGN (not sing) of anything, then it is a sign that we had nothing to talk about these days."

I like your dialogue, but since this is so emotional for her, I wish I knew her feelings more, or what she thought he was feeling (if anything). He takes off his blue coat, but is it slowly? Is he rushing already? Does he seem to sense the awkwardness, is he nervous?

"Percy reached out to pat my hand." Perfect example of where you could share more - is he being patronizing, does she feel like he's trying to genuinely reassure her, does he look like he thinks she's over reacting?

How long have they been on "short letter" status? Has she changed jobs in the last three weeks or has he NEVER bothered to learn her job?

I LOVE your ending. Makes me want more! Some work on flow will do a lot to make readers reach the end and when they do - they'll want to know more.

Can't wait to read more - please resubmit another review request when you have another chapter and I hope you didn't feel I was too much of a nitpick.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely long review and I really appreciate all of the constructive criticism and don't worry you weren't all to much of a nitpick.

Your suggestion on the first few opening paragraphs were extremely helpful. I've had a little bit of trouble with transitioning so I shall definitely be using your advice.

I didn't really notice the buts when I was reading through so thanks for pointing them out. And thank you as well for pointing out the bits where it sounded like a journal.

Thanks again for this lovely review and I shall most certainly be resubmitting for another review request when I post the next chapter.

Charlie




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Review #8, by Wistful Snow in December

26th December 2012:
Hullo Charlie - its Wistful from the forums with your requested review.
First, I'll start with an apology. I'm just so so sorry this took so long. When I meant to get to it, I realized HPFF decided to time travel and I couldn't get to it. So it ended up being delayed until today. And of course, Happy Holidays!
Now *drumroll* to get onto the review... {ignore my typos xD}

This was such an incredible well-written piece - I'm really rather speechless. Your idea to start with letters worked just fantastic with you showing how Penelope couldn't seemt o get what she wanted to say in works. The first draft was just her trying to awkwardly say what she was feeling but deciding against it to avoid an argument, and the second was a good lot about what she was feeling herself with all those questions. I really think all those questions was an awesome idea because it gave me the impression of just any girl who felt that it wasn't working out in their relationship and just keep on wondering, "why? why? why?" The third was the kind I would think Percy would look at and wonder what was it about without being riled up like Penelope feared so it was just perfect. And Percy's quick, almost emotionless business-like reply sort of answered some of Penelope's questions by confirming her fears.

So I really liked the letters xD It did alot for your story.

I kind of saw this sorry through two windows. One was with my background knowledge of the war and knowing what was happening, and the other was of any other girl starting to realize that the relationship wasn't working out. Looking through the second window, I thought the paragraph you had describing what Penelope used to feel for Percy and how it wasn't there anymore. Also, when you went into how Percy was saying it was jsut a bump and that they could work it through, I love how you included the stuborness that was mentioned somewhere above. Another thing that I simply have to mention was how when Penelope finally confronted him, she didn't really go itno anything of him siding against his family or the Ministry like the first letter which I think kind of was for the best.

I'm glad you decided to do it from a first person point of view because it made it more personal in a way, and I felt like I was there and could hear her thoguhts and her emotions. On the subject of Penelope's emotions, I think you did wonderfully on that. She felt the frustration when Percy wasn't getting it and the guilt of breaking up. I do have a problem with Percy on the other hand though. Percy definitely must have acted differently with Penelope then with Ron or Harry in the books, but I didn't really see all of his traits. I would think he would fight back a little, insist nothing was wrong - defend themselves. I can't see him ending a relationship without any fire. He doesn'y seem like that kind of character. I think got into all of your concerns except the ending so I'll end it with that. You're right, I do think the ending fell a little flat. As this is a short story, maybe you could end it with something that could help you get into the next chapter?

This was really a brilliant story, and I can't wait for an update!

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Review #9, by sweet_lovely_girl Snow in December

19th December 2012:
Hey there, sweetlovelygirl here with your requested review.
First of all, I liked the idea of this story and the title of this chapter is really fit for this chapter. It was good how you described Penelope struggling writing a letter. I also liked the part where she thought about Percy's stubbornness.
I think the café needs a name though. It sounds really weird reading about THAT café and I really would have liked a name for it.
I thought the relationship between percy and Penelope was a bit too cold. I mean, he could have at least said something about her breaking up. (This is just my opinion and you could just totally ignore it.)
I really wonder how this short story is going to continue. Will they get together eventually or will they be apart forever?
Xxx SLG

Author's Response: Thanks for this lovely review and your suggestions.

You're right, the cafe definitely needs a name. I had a quite a bit of trouble writing about their breakup and I've rewrote it and submitted it, so hopefully it doesn't seem as cold.

This story is mainly just going be specific moments of Percy and Penelope's relationship, so there will be some chapters of when they are together and a few chapters of when they aren't together. I hope that cleared up your question.

Thanks again.
Charlie


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Review #10, by Cleopatraa Snow in December

11th December 2012:
I really liked the letters at the beginning. It msut be rather difficult for her so I could imagine her trying to write several drafts. I like the fact what they are showing us. The way she thinks. I could imagine Percy being that way and I liked the fact she told us throughout the story about the changes. The fact you wrote about a character, who was basically only a name in the books, is really great seeing I love minor characters. I like the idea that after Hogwarts they were still dating because tob e honest with you I all had forgotten about her. I mean I knew of her existence but I never gave her much thought. ?I like the way you portrayed her. So overall you did a nice job!

Author's Response: Minor characters have always been one of my favourite types of characters from Harry Potter and I love to write about them. Despite the fact that they are only mentioned several times in the books, Percy and Penelope are also one of my favourite couples. As there isn't much known about them I really wanted to write about their relationship and what they were like together.

Thanks again for your lovely review. :)
Charlie


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Review #11, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing Snow in December

9th December 2012:
Hi there!

Just responding to the review you requested on my thread =)

Ok, I'll be honest… this is the first Percy story I've read where he’s counted as a main character. He's not usually my cup of brew in JK's stories so he isn't one I'd particularly choose to read in fanfiction, however, I really loved this!

First things first: things I really loved. I loved the letters at the beginning. I thought they were a really good and clever way of starting your story. And I also really loved this line: ‘His stubbornness was one of the things that I used to love about him, now I hated it.’ It’s very Percy and when I read it, it just made me smile! Loved it!

I really enjoyed your characterisation of both Percy and Penelope. As I’ve said, Percy isn’t a character I like but I thought he was really interesting here. I loved the paragraph where he comes into the café and Penelope is thinking about how it used to be, making her blush and heart flip etc. I thought it was so lovely and cute and so unlike the Percy I picture in my head. I also loved Penelope. As a character that pretty much only gets named in the series, I found your depiction really well written and interesting. You have me wanting more.

I really liked your plot and I’m glad you changed it from a one shot as I think if you left it there I would be really gutted! There was only one part I felt could be altered maybe and that’s when you talk about her going to the book shop as she’s early for Percy. I just felt it was a bit rushed maybe? Like you wanted to get to the conversation with Percy as it was more interesting? I know that’s what I usually end up doing but I just felt it could do with a bit more padding out. Maybe her getting restless and not actually looking at any books or planning what she’s going to say to Percy? Something like that? It just feels like you send her in to send her back out again is all.

With regards to the end, I actually quite liked it. As you’re no longer going for the one-shot I felt this chapter finished in a place that really made me want to read more which is great! The comments I would have would be that the last sentence to me sounds like there is more to come but there isn’t. Does that make sense? I feel like your cutting off her thoughts mid-way. I don’t think it needs much more, just her trying to convince herself she had done the right thing? The other thing I would mention is the whole Percy not doing anything and her being ok with it. If I broke up with someone and they just sat there shocked I would find it really awkward? Penelope seems to be fine with it and it didn’t sit right with me somehow. I’d either expect more awkwardness or more resistance from Percy.

A couple of small typos etc I just thought I’d point out:

‘I knew the answer before I had even fished asking myself it.’ I think you mean finished not fished!


‘I think that letter really helped me to decide that what I was doing for the best’ I think you need another was in there: ‘to decide that what I was doing was for the best’


‘I was too focused on my destination and what I had to do, to notice them.’ I don’t think the comma is needed here.


‘All too soon, I had arrived at the café. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was 12:15, I had a few minutes to spare so I decided to pop into the used bookshop that was nearby. Plus it would get me out of the freezing cold. All too soon however it was nearly 12:30 and I decided that it would be best to get the café on time.’ Not an error but you’ve used ‘all too soon’ twice. Changing one to something like ‘Before I knew it’ would possibly sound better?

‘He sat down opposite me and opposite me’ you have opposite me twice.

‘you don’t even give a second to think me do you’ I think this should be ‘think of me, do you?’ at the end.

So all in all I thought this was a really good piece! I hope you find my suggestions and comments useful. I’ll definitely be looking out for updates in the future! Great job!

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Review #12, by momotwins Snow in December

7th December 2012:
I don't see a lot of Percy-centered stories out there, so it always makes me happy to see one. I love all the Weasleys, and though Percy isn't my favorite, he does get a lot of flak from the fans, not all of which he maybe deserves.

You made the hemming and hawing over writing the letter very interesting. I also liked the touch you gave it of her suggesting 12:30 and Percy countering with 12:35, the little power play there like he wants to be in control even when it's meaningless really (like 5 minutes matters!).

Break-ups are so tough, ugh. Penelope handled it very gracefully, she put it out there how she felt and didn't make any accusations.

I would offer some CC regarding your dialogue. When you use a pronoun in your dialogue marker, you don't capitalize the pronoun. You also should not use more than one punctuation mark. For example, in your story:

"What's wrong?," He asked.

This should read "What's wrong?" he asked.

I would also watch the overuse of "said". Now, I'm a big fan of using "said" when "said" is what's happening - I think people unnecessarily avoid the word - but you also don't want to use it exclusively. Throwing in some variety makes a big difference, particularly in expressing emotions.

You asked for an opinion on the ending in particular. I don't think it falls flat exactly, but the final sentence is a little pat. I would actually dump it altogether and end with the "...guilt that was in my stomach." sentence as a lead-in to the continuation of the story (since you said you're extending it into a short story).

I hope this was helpful, and thanks for pointing me toward it. It's a good start, I hope you continue!

WTM

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this lovely long review. Its been so helpful. Your tips about the dialogue has been extremely helpful as dialogue has never really been one of my strong points.

I wasn't to sure if Penelope would come across as a bit mean during the breakup as when I was writing this, I thought that she was maybe a little bit to tough. So I'm really glad that you think she handled it pretty gracefully.

Also thanks a lot for your opinion on the ending. I'm still that not fond of it, so I really like your suggestion about ending with "...guilt that was in my stomach." as a lead in too the next chapter.

Thanks again for this lovely review.
Charlie


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Review #13, by AC_rules Snow in December

4th December 2012:
Hullo there! Ac here from the BVB review battle.

First, my favourite part of this little one shot was definitely the deliberation over the letters. I thought that showed a lot of the personality and indecision shining through, and it was really nice little piece of her thoughts that I don't think came through as well through the rest of the piece. I think I wanted to know a bit more about what was going in Penelope's head and just generally wanted more of everything, you know?

More background about the bookshop and their relationship crumbling and everything. What you had here was good and really interesting, but it didn't leave me satisfied. I just wanted there to be so much more meat to it so I didn't finish reading it and experiencing it so quickly :)

It was really nice though and exactly how I imagined the Percy/penelope relationship falling flat :)

-AC

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for this review. I wasn't too sure whether I should included the letters, so you definitely reassured me on that. Thanks for the suggestions about more background on the bookshop and relationship. I'm thinking about expanding this one-shot into a short story so I can expand a lot more onto Percy and Penelope's relationship.

Thanks again for your lovely review.
Charlie


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Review #14, by Siriusly89 Snow in December

30th September 2012:
Hey! Siriusly89 here leaving a review as requested :) This one-shot makes A LOT of sense. I always wondered why Percy married Audrey instead of Penelope, but I've never found a one-shot about it until now! This is a really good one-shot, short, sweet and to the point! I really do like it. To be honest, I'm a little bit addicted to one-shots and this is a really good one!

Author's Response: Thanks for this review and I'm really pleased that you think its good. I too always wondered when Percy and Penelope broke up and why, so I decided to write a short one-shot about it.

Like you I'm a little bit addicted to one-shot both reading and writing them, they're actually the only thing that is on my author's page.

Charlie


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Review #15, by WildCat Snow in December

27th September 2012:
Hey

I liked this story, but it was a bit short! Are you going to write another chapter?

WildCat

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I do have plans for adding several flashbacks to this story, about Percy and Audrey's relationship, but I'm having some writers block about it so it might be a while.

Anyway, thanks for reviewing.
Mystique


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Review #16, by No_oneKnows Snow in December

25th September 2012:
Hi there :)

Well, I really liked the idea of this story. It was quite short though so I couldn't really see the connection the two had yet, maybe describe more of her emotions about it all at the beginning a bit more.

I actually really loved Percy as a character and I can actually imagine him the way you're portraying him, in a way :)

I really like how you said "I've always wanted to own a little bookshop and you used to know that," because to me that demonstrates strongly how much he's changed, and I'm pretty sure everyone has noticed how much he did change in the books, so good job on that :)

Author's Response: I'm so glad you reviewed this. I'm glad you liked the bit about the bookshop, I had an small idea while I was writing it, that Penelope would buy the bookshop. When I edit this though, I might add that in.

Also, thanks for saying that you thought I portrayed Percy well. I had quite a hard time with him.

Thanks again for reviewing.
Mystique


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Review #17, by Siriusgirl Snow in December

24th September 2012:
Wow, that was short but really really good. I think something like this happened between Percy and Penelope. I like Percy, but I do think his ambition got the better of him during the time, and a relationship would suffer. Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I wasn't too sure about Percy and whether this would be realistic so I'm glad that you think so.

Mystique


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