Hey! Here to review your entry for my challenge.
Aw this was such a sad and heartbreaking piece. It almost had me in tears. I think you wrote Ginny's grief and pain really well. It was sad that Lily took her life and because of bullying. The letter was very touching also. The ending broke my heart too. It was all really very sad. You did complete justice to a mother's grief on losing her daughter. Harry was quite in character as well.
The only CC I have is that your grammar/tense was a little off in some places. I'd suggest re-reading and fixing some awkward phrasing and tense mistakes, or getting a beta to look at them for you.
Apart from that, this was a very heart-wrenching yet beautifully written piece, and it had me engrossed. Great descriptions, flow, and intensity.
Thanks for participating in my challenge, the results should be announced in a few days/weeks.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: ey,
I think the bullying/suicide thing is something that is never touched on or mentioned a lot, but it happens and it's horrible.
I've been meaning to get a beta for a while but I haven't got round to it, I'll be sure to check the mistakes though!
Thanks you for reviewing!
Soph :D Report Review
Oh god! This is beautiful. I was crying so much I had to stop and wait a bit before reading again. Unfortunately for some stupid reason I decided it would be a great idea to listen to 'Helena' by My Chemical Romance so I was absolutely bawling. Suicide is a very relatable subject for me so I was even more touched.
There were some very beautiful lines in this and it's probably one of my favourite one-shots! Only thing I have to say is there are a few grammar errors but otherwise it's brilliant! :DAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Thank you for reading and review and sorry for making you cry.
I know about the errors and hopefully I'll find a beta soon.
Soph xx Report Review
I saw this one-shot, and I knew before I even started that I'd be crying by the end. Well, I was right.
You did an excellent job portraying Ginny as a mother, and capturing the thoughts of a parent whose child has committed suicide - more specifically, capturing the blame she places on herself. "It was my job to protect my children and I failed." This line was truly heartbreaking. It just captures the essence of a grieving parent perfectly.
That repetition. It's perfect. "Lovely Lily." Every time it was written, it just pulled the whole thing together.
I love Albus's character as well. He's not like Ginny in that she at least is familiar with death. Instead, the concept is entirely foreign to him, as he confesses " 'I can't say goodbye, I don't know how.' " His unfamiliarity provides the perfect foil to Harry, who is the strong one of the family, the one that is already familiar with this suffering.
I love the wedding/funeral juxtaposition. It really creates that sense of missed opportunity, and it's just... it works.
I just have one teensy little piece of constructive criticism. When you say "I took a deep breathe," the word should be breath, without the "e." If you add the "e," the word becomes a verb, and no longer makes sense. Sorry, the little grammar lover in my head just had to point that little thing out. Other than that, it was very well constructed.
Best line of the entire one shot: "Third time lucky, I guess." It sounds like a strange line to pick out, but it jumped off the page at me. I think it's the "I guess" part. Ginny recognizes she was lucky to have Lily, and probably heard it a thousand times, but now she knows she's not so lucky anymore, saying she lost her "little lucky charm." You may not have even meant that to stand out the way I saw it, but I just thought it was an absolutely gorgeous little phrase.
This was a really great one-shot, and it did a great job of capturing all the emotions of the scene in such a short time frame.
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Sorry I took so long to reply, I've have literally been fan girling over this review. Thank you!!
I wasn't too sure of Albus' character but your review made me love him a bit more.
Grammar/spelling = so not my strong point so thanks for pointing that out. I'll be sure to change it :)
I never thought about that line, like that before but now you've mentioned it I see what you mean :D
Thank you once again for reviewing!!
Soph xx Report Review
Hi! Mirasoul from the forums with your review.
This was tragically beautiful. In regards to plot and flow, I don't think I have any CC's. Characterisation I admit I won't be of much help, as Ginny is your main character and I never really paid much attention to her in the books, to be honest. I really think she--and Harry, to a lesser extent as he only briefly appears--are believable and heartbreaking as parents of a child who was lost to suicide. Really, my CC's are all just grammar issues, as you asked me to comment upon those.
"From the top of your right down to your toes." I assume here you forgot a word. Happens to the best of us.
"...and look around the room..." As your story is written in past tense, change 'look' to 'looked'. Although, I will give a suggestion here: my writing teacher says stories are more effective when written in the present tense because emotions are stronger when they are happening right at that second than if they are just a memory, as past tense suggests. It's something I've come to take to heart, so I thought I'd let you know as well. The story is great as is, but doing something as simple as changing the tense from past to present might make it even more emotionally intriguing.
"Nothing in this room has changed since that day, except the fact you can tell it hasn't been lived in as a thin layer of dust has rested on top of everything." This isn't actually a grammar thing; this sentence is fine as is. It's more of a critique on imagery. This sentence, at least in my opinion, would be more powerful if it read, "Nothing in this room has changed since that day, except for the thin layer of dust that has rested on top of everything." It conjures up a strong image and suggests that no one has lived there for a while without actually having to say it. Including why the layer of dust is there, especially where you have placed it in the middle, interrupts the formation of that image and is kind of unnecessary. Just a suggestion, though! As I said, the sentence is perfectly fine as is.
"'Ginny, why aren't you dressed?' Came a voice." 'Came' shouldn't be capitalized.
"'Thanks mum.' He said with a hug." The quotation should end with a comma, not a period, and 'he' should not be capitalized.
In regards to your grammar in general, you tend to use commas a bit excessively. I can tell by your writing that you do so for poetic effect, and in a lot of these instances in your story they do what you have intended them to do, but I'd give it a read-through to see where you can substitute a comma for a period or a semicolon so the reader doesn't question when you're employing commas with a purpose or when you're just writing random run-ons. Do the read-through to catch any other grammatical/spelling errors as well; I know there are some that I haven't mentioned and there may have been some I missed. I know I make a habit of reading through work I've already published every couple of months or so to make sure it's up to par.
Those are all my CC's. Overall, I thought this was, as I said before, tragically beautiful. I can't think of any other way to describe. I have two favorite parts:
"I felt a warm hand in mine and realised it was Harry's, as he guided me towards the car." When I read this, I instantly thought of the part in Half-Blood Prince when Harry won't leave Dumbledore's body, even though many people try to make him, and he only cooperates when he feels Ginny's hand on him, smells her "flowery" (that's always how JKR describes it in the books) scent, and hears her voice. I don't know if you intended it to be or not, but I just saw this as a role reversal and went "aw" in my head!
"Please hold your tears and spare me a thought, don't think of sadness but of the happiness I brought." I don't think I really have to explain why I love this line. It's beautiful. And it rhymes! I'm a sucker for things that rhyme.
I'm so glad you requested a review for this, and I hope I helped! :)Author's Response: Hello :)
Thank you for the reviewing and for pointing out the grammar issues, I'll go and change them now.
I never actually thought of it like that, I just wrote it but you've mentioned it, it has another meaning to me. :D
Thank you!!! And you definitely helped"
Soph x Report Review
That was lovely
I was crying pretty much the whole way through, I could barely read it I was crying so much!
It was lovely and poignant and sad and so well written
Horrible topic and a horrible experience but really well expressed, well done!Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing!!
I was when I was writing it, so your not the only one who was bawling their eyes out.
Soph xx Report Review
Hey, I'm here with your requested review.
So. So. Suicide. Difficult subject, especially from the perspective of a loved one. Well done for attempting it; I don't think I could. And it's made me sad, which I assume is the purpose of this one-shot. So well done there.
I've got a couple of critiques for you, if you feel like touching this up at some point:
a) Harry's characterisation. He's pretty chilled out here, don't you think? I assume you're trying to characterise him as trying to be strong for his family, but Harry doesn't really seem like that kinda guy... I'm not saying he's going to start wailing and ripping his hair out or anything, but he'd be a bit quieter and a bit more on edge than usual.
b) This bit:
>"We have to be strong today, for Lily. You know she wouldn't want us to be upset." I told him. Al pulled away and I looked in his green eyes, "Just remember she'll always be with in our hearts."
It's a bit... cliched? The phrases Ginny's using, I mean. Turned an otherwise lovely and poignant moment into a bit of a Disney film, and 18-year-old Al ain't gonna fall for that.
Anyway, I hope this review wasn't completely terrible, and I'll see you around.Author's Response: Heya,
Yep, I was trying to show him being strong, trying not to break down. I did think of writing him, sorta locking himself away and shutting people out (Kinda like when Sirius/Dumbledore Died) but I changed it last minute.
This review was not terrible but helpful. Thank you xx
This is unbearably sad. You really wrote Ginny's emotions very well and I feel like crying about this. For me, the saddest thing about a young person's death is all the things that they had to look forward to will never happen. They lost so much that hasn't happened. I think the theme of pink is sweet and really well done as well. And the poor boys! I can't imagine losing my siblings to suicide. I would always wonder if it was because of me. Anyway, really well done, heartbreaking story!
Here from Gryffie birthday reviews! :)
-KathrynAuthor's Response: I was crying writing it.
I'm the youngest of three and I would hate it if I lost my big brothers, even though they annoy me I lvoe them to pieces.
Thank you for reviewing xx
Soph Report Review
Hello! I'm True Author with your requested review! =]
This was an amazingly amazing story, I must say. I was almost in tears when I reached the final line. This was a very touching and lovely fic.
I loved your idea of the plot and flow. This story has a nice flow, as the reader never gets bored while reading this. Lily's not in the story, but her characterization is simply great. The reader perfectly understands how Lily was "Lovely Lily" and how everyone loved her so much. Besides Lily, Ginny was nicely characterized too. Her feelings, emotions and the situation certainly effect the reader's mind. I'm sure the funeral will make anyone cry. =[
Still, you need to do a bit of work on Harry's characterization. Harry was surely sensitive and in your story he isn't crying so that seemed weird. You must give some lines for his feelings and some minor or major changes in his mannerism. That will make this more effective.
I think you should think of a different summary; a catchy one. I'll suggest you to write Ginny's speech on her funeral as the story summary. The starting of this chapter should be catchy too. I'll suggest you to find a song that fits and to write it's lyrics. Lyrics have an excellent effect on the chapter. But these are just suggestions, if you want a better one, you may go to the forums and ask for help or you can do it yourself you're a good author. And why did she end her life is not cleared. whatever those "people" did to her should be explained.
I hope this was not harsh; I just wanted to improve this nice story. =]Author's Response: It's not harsh at all :) CC is great!
Thank you for reviewing and sorry for making you cry *hands out tissues*
Thanks for the CC, I'm deffinatly gonna take it on board :)
- Potterfan310 Report Review
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