I've been meaning to come and read something of yours for a while but I only just got a bit of spare time to take a look at this.
This was such a cute one-shot! I thought you characterised Teddy perfectly, especially with the way that he refuses to move unless he gets his way. I also thought you got across the simplicity of his thinking (the way that all children think) really well. His fear that nobody will want him anymore once the new baby is born is so silly but yet so real and terrifying for him.
I also love the idea of the tree-house, especially with the little anecdote about how it was made and how Ron fell out of it (to be honest, it seems like something he would do!). The way the children have made a game of the enchantments seems very believable. The 'no-girls' rule is definitely one I can imagine being implemented. It's quite funny when you look at the way he reacts to seeing Victoire there contrasted with the end section.
I think the only criticism I would make is that some of Victoire's speech seems a little too mature for her. She must be younger than Teddy and I'm not sure if she would have known everything about how Harry's parents died, but I do think that as the oldest child in such a big family, she would be quite thoughtful and probably more mature than you'd expect.
The end section was a really nice way to round off the one-shot, and I enjoyed Louis' behaviour which is similar to Teddy's in the beginning, whereas Teddy has come to be grateful for the fact he isn't a Weasley.
I really enjoyed this and I'm glad I came to read it!
nott theodore :)Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for stopping by :)
Awh, I'm so glad you liked my first attempt at fanfic :D Teddy is definitely one of my favourite characters from HP, and I feel quite sorry for him in many ways. I can totally empathise with the fact he thinks he might kicked out, because I felt like that quite a lot as a child - not accepted. I am kinda kid inside, so it was quite to write like one!
I always dreamt of a tree house when I was little, and I thought about how such a caring worried mum like Hermione would definitely be concerned about the health and safety side of a tree house. I also think that clumsy Ron would probably fall out! The whole girls and boys problem is always with children of that age, and how boys are prejudice against girls because of their gender, e.t.c.
Yeah, good point! Victoire might not neccesarily know about the whole Ginny - Harry thing, let alone realize how Harry really wanted to be a weasley. I might go back and edit it!
I'm pleased you liked the ending - I wanted it to be satisfying for the reader, and to feel like they properly left it feeling resolved that Teddy's proud to be a lupin.
Thank you so much for reviewing - such a long review too! Eeekk I'm so glad you liked it!! You're awesome for reviewing, thank you :D Report Review
Awww this was soo adorable! Your summary made me squee and I knew I had to come read this :)
Teddy was such a cutie! I can totally see why he'd want to be a Weasley because everyone around him was and I thought it made a great plot point!
I thought you did really well with writing Teddy as a little boy. He seemed just childish enough but then still had some knowledge and maturity to understand why he wanted to change and figure out that he was different than everyone else.
Ah, I loved Vic! She definitely had the veela-ish way about her (I could tell from you nice descriptions) so I wasn't surprised that she was the one that would be able to get Teddy to see sense and make him come down. The foreshadowing you had with the "not being able to marry Ginny if Harry was a Weasley" was so good! I could tell where she was going with it and I actually said "aww!" out loud :p
The scene at the end where they were all together for the wedding was really nice. I'm glad all of the cousins were there and getting ready together and I can't blame them for not liking Vic's wedding colors :P
I thought you ended your one-shot perfectly! It was so sweet and I'm so glad I read this! I really needed a nice fluffy fic to read (:
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Thank you for such an awesome review! It's lovely of you!
I'm glad I got the maturity right, because I was a bit unsure of how intelligent to make him, so thank you for noticing that :)
Aha, Vic is one of my favourite characters - probably because I know what it's like having loads of little cousins! I'm glad you liked her, in all of her veelaishness.
I love a good ol' wedding, so I couldn't resist putting one in at the end! Thank you for such a sweet, brilliant review - you're awesome :D
Hi, there! Here is your review from the Gryffindor November Review Swap.
I really liked your characterization of ten-year-old Teddy. He seems to have all of the typical wants, needs and anxieties for a child that age. His thoughts seemed perfectly in line with the life he's led. As much as his "adoptive" family might love him and accept him, there's still a distinction there that's very meaningful to a child. He wants it removed. He doesn't want to worry that one more child might displace him from Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny's home. It all makes perfect sense.
I loved the idea of the tree house and especially how it came to have the protective enchantments that keep the children from falling out. And the fact that the children quickly made a game of those enchantments fit perfectly with these characters. The first attempt at luring him down, the Quidditch game, was clever and I liked little James and Albus trying to get him to agree. I wasn't quite so wild about the way you wrote Molly. I can't quite imagine her yelling at Teddy quite that forcefully, mostly because of the way that she always treated Harry. Teddy isn't her grandson, and she would probably know better than to think she could intimidate him, anyway.
The conversation between Teddy and Victoire definitely had the right idea. She comes across as very sweet and very insightful for her age. Clearly she's thought through what it means to be related to somebody and how her uncle must have felt about his adoptive family. The way that she refuses to back down from him and gets him to open up was nicely done. What I didn't like quite as much was her dialog. Parts of it felt too mature for her age. This line in particular jumped out at me: "Uncle Harry's an orphan like you. His parents died too, fighting the same enemy." Especially the part about how Harry's parents died. I'm not sure that's something the family would have told the children at such a young age.
I don't know whether this was on purpose, but Louis in the second section made for such a nice contrast to Teddy in the first section. The way that he's cross with everyone because of his situation struck me. All of the younger Potter/Weasley children came across as charmingly immature, actually. Victoire seems to manage them all rather well, considering it's her wedding day.
Lily's line struck me as a little off: "I look like a bloomin’ pastry let alone a bridesmaid" The phrase "let alone" usually implies a negative comparison involving two degrees of the same type of thing, so I'm not sure it fits between "pastry" and "bridesmaid."
You wrapped it up beautifully in the end. Teddy's change of heart seemed perfectly genuine and the contrast to his younger self was perfect.
Aside from the couple of issues I pointed out above, I thought your writing was lovely in this.
Suggestions? Maybe you could have let James and Albus linger a bit longer when they try to talk Teddy out of the tree house. It would heighten the contrast with Victoire's approach to persuasion if the tried -- and failed -- to get him down by appealing to his masculinity. (e.g., "Come on, Teddy! The girls are gonna beat us! We need your help!") Also, I think it would help to make it a little more clear in the beginning that the tree house is in Harry and Ginny's yard. I didn't figure that part out until he and Victoire are climbing down.
If this was your first story, you did a good job with it. Congratulations!Author's Response: Thank you for such a long, useful and awesome review - it has immense detail that can really help me improve.
I agree with all of the bits you pointed out, and thank you so much for clearing up the molly characterisation and the Victoire dialogue, because even as I was writing that I was doubtful. This is such a rich-in-detail, helpful and constructive review, thank you so much. I look forward to reading Detox very soon! :) Report Review
This is your first ever fanfic? Wow. Teddy was way too adorable. I think your story was wonderful.
Happy writing and welcome to the hpff archives! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you very much - you don't know how happy this has made me!! Thank you :D Report Review
This was so sweet, I enjoyed it very much! Fabarooney &heartsAuthor's Response: Tehe!! Thanks Val, I'm glad you liked it - it's my first ever one shot I did :) Report Review
Aaaaw what a cute and beautiful story!!! I would have wished it was more detailed but then it doesn't take much of the charm off of it =) Good job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing, and yeah I'll go back and probably add more detail :) Report Review
Very good story,
I had hoped he realized at some point that she was going to give him a very good reason to stay a Lupin.Author's Response: Aw, thank you that's very sweet you, you're too kind!
Thanks for reviewing, you deserve a big hug! :D Report Review
This is such a great capture of how little kids are, and Teddy is so believable. He wont' come out until he gets his way! Sweet, but not too sappy, and so perfect from a parent's point of view. How many times have I seen this? And touching. The orphan, yet still with a huge family. Well done.Author's Response: Thank you!
This is a very sweet review, I am so touched!
I wanted to write a completely different story that people can empathise with, that's not too overdone.
Thank you again for taking the time to write such a wonderful review :D Report Review
Fantabulous and very cute except you spelt Weasley wrong...Author's Response: Thanks for your review!
And I'll go change Weasley!! :D Report Review
I really enjoyed this. I cant seem to find any fics that included a lot of the next gen!Author's Response: Aha, thank you!!
I love Next Gen fics too! :) Report Review
I would love to read more of your stories!Author's Response: thank you very much! :D Report Review
Hi! This story caught my attention with it's really good summary and I am happy I read it! It's a good, feel good little story and I enjoyed it. Teddy's anger is understandable considering most older siblings go through that phase when a new baby is coming and I think you brought it out nicely. You could have explored it a bit more but it was still nice.
There are two things that bothered me though and honestly, it's a chance that this story was pretty short because I would have stopped reading at some point, had it been longer. Not because the story in itself wasn't good or interesting, but because the format and the numerous spelling and typing errors were distracting me constantly from the action.
First, the format. You should add spaces between the lines of dialogue, not have everything crammed together. It would give more air to this story as well as a nicer rythm. For some reason, when a story is all crammed together like this, I read everything very fast and don't stop to breathe between the lines but when there is space, it's a reminder for my brain that it is time to take a breath!
As for the spelling, well, I started taking out everything I saw at first but at some point, I stopped because it was getting ridiculous. It seems that by the middle of the story, you wanted to type so fast that you forgot to check how you were writting (that happens to me as well, I get that!). I would suggest you go back on this story and carefully pick out the errors (for example, from the middle to the end of this story, you stop spelling "Weasley" correctly and always write "Weasly"; this is pure innatention because you wrote it correctly in the beginning) or, if you think you can't do it because its much harder to see our mistakes, get a beta from the forum to help you. Here are some other things I think you should correct:
"...welcome with the Weasley's..."; twice in two sentences you write this and both times, there is no need for the apostrophe at the end of "Weasley".
"...Repeated a smaller voice, that of Albus Potter’s..."; another not necessary apostrophe (and the 's' either)
"...Uncle Ron says that he’ll help us,’ he called up form the..."; two things : 1) you close your dialogue with a single (') when you opened it with a double ("). Second, there is a typo here; it should be 'from' and not 'form'
"...“Stop you’re big."; either write 'you're being a...' or 'your big...'
"...“You look Parfait, mon chere,”..."; this is a simple correction of your French considering that, well, I am French! The way you write 'chere' right now is the feminin way of spelling it (when talkind to or about a girl) for a boy, like in your case, it should be spelled 'cher'
I hope this review did not disapoint you too much. I enjoyed your story but got a bit distracted with everything else that was going on. These are simple things to correct and would improve your story a lot. My goal is really just to help you improve because you have real talent here for creating stories.
Good luck to you, it was a good read!Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
And also, thanks for being so honest! It's really helpful of you to review, I just want to improve and learn. This'll really help my writing, thanks for putting in some valuable comments that I can work on!
Thank you very much!! :) Report Review
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