Reading Reviews for The Queen Is Giving In
  
53 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Wistful Roses and Vanilla

23rd June 2014:
Hey, there! It's Wistful with your requested review. I have to admit, the summary and immediately drew me in, and I was enthralled by the character's voice. The summary gives sort of a frustrated teenager tone, and that's' continued in the story itself, so I love the continuality in that. From the very first line, and I mean the literal very first line, this story didnít fail to amuse me and keep me laughing. I can sense some more serious themes behind what's being said, but Dorcas treats this with the same almost flippant attitude as everything else and only hints at it. I canít wait to find out what the tension between Harley and Dorcas is hinting at as well as the history with Dorcas and Nick.


So, as I can't help with the consistency of you characterization besides telling you that Dorcas's voice was kept the same throughout the story, so I'll review what I can perceive so far. Usually how a character thinks and how they speak can differ, and this is demonstrated in Dorcas's character, but I can still see the similarities in the tone and dialogue, so she's definitely continued well. What I would like to see more of is Dorcas herself - she's a canon character (and I loved how you used those in your story) but from what little we know of her, she's practically an OC. It'd supplement her character to have more of a visual image of her - little things "I brushed away strands of red from my eyes" for a visual but also little quirks like biting lips, curling fingers in and then out as well the little actions she does. Your writing's a lot of her thoughts and the dialogue as well as including what they're doing but adding more of a visual would be fantastic.


Just another thing to keep in mind - while I'm familiar with a lot of these characters, they came in too fast for a proper glimpse at what makes them them. Since you took time to describe Alice and Lily well enough for us to kind of not only get their characters but how Dorcas sees them, the others are introduced in rather quickly without really much differentiation. Besides the slight differences in the dialogue, the Marauders feel like a literal collective quantity rather than four quite different people. But I definitely loved it! I hope this helps, but if you have any questions feel free to ask!


- Wisty

Author's Response: thank you so much! I do struggle with differentiating between the marauders sometimes, and I think I have to work on that as I grow as a writer. Thanks so much for the review!

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Review #2, by True Author Roses and Vanilla

21st June 2014:
Hi there! :D

Well, this does seem like a pretty interesting story. I haven't read many marauders era fics, so I don't really know what people usually write. But as far as I've seen, I think you're doing something rather different and I liked it. :) The title and this chapters is intriguing and enjoyable.

You characterized Dorcas perfectly! How do you do that? I know so much about your character in just the first chapter! That's really impressive. Harley makes me feel curious. What's wrong? I know there's a backstory, am I right?

Grammar and spelling looks good, but maybe there are too many spaces between paragraphs. I know you're already halfway through the story, but can you fix that? It's a little hard to read.

Great job! Sorry for the late by the way, that day turned out to be busier than I had expected. It was fun swapping with you anyways!

Ashwini

Author's Response: I'm so happy you liked my first chapter! It actually was originally the second, but I omitted the first completely, as it was not helping.

You'll definitely see more about Harley/Dorcas/the Meadowes in the next few chapters


I will edit the spaces. I JUST figured out how to paste from word correctly, so I'll go back and fix all the chapter spacing during the summer.

No problem! This is a lovely review, and I'm so happy you chose this novel. I hope you'll continue with it.


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Review #3, by newgenerationlover Love and Other Injuries II

25th September 2013:
Love this, I am so happy they are finally back together!! Please update soon :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you've been enjoying! I will update asap!

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Review #4, by MC_HK Shut Up, Moony

13th September 2013:
Hiya!

This was an entertaining chapter! Lily was really sassy, and we still got to see a little insight from Dorcas even though it wasn't her POV. I also wonder why you made the waiter's name Harry, so I'm looking forward to reading more and finding out. I also like seeing things from a different POV than Dorcas or Sirius.

Other than a few punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors, I found a few more issues:

I feel like you should have wrote in the beginning that this was from Remus's POV, because I was really confused up until he arrived at the Potter residence.

"...I don't think he made to do it, but they always made me feel guilty. In fact, I know they didn't mean to do it. It's just, I really did owe them so much." So I think this needs to be reworded because it doesn't really make sense. The first "made" should be "mean", but then you go from just James to all of the Marauders making Remus feel guilty. I think this should be reworded to make it more clear.

Other than that, I like this chapter! Looking forward to reading more,

MC_HK

Author's Response: Thanks so much!

I like having a different POV as well. I think Remus is an important character I don't have enough of in this.

Sorry! I thought I did put that in. I must have missed it. Thanks for that wording as well. I thought that was important to have in there so I definitely want to clear it up.

Thanks so much for your review. The new chapter will come along soon.


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Review #5, by MC_HK Breaking and Creating

8th September 2013:
Hiya! It feel good to be back again! :)

Although it was a bit short, I really liked this chapter. There were really fun interactions on both POVs, and I like the dynamics you've come up with for James's family. I do think dialogue is your strong point, as it's always very well done, and your imagery is also very good.

There are still a few things in here that I've mentioned before, though. You tend to repeat words a lot, or at least put them in places where it sounds very repetitive. In this chapter, the word "plate" seemed very repetitive to me, and you also end the chapter with the three dialogues beginning in "well". There are some spelling errors and punctuation errors, but those are minor. There's also a point where you say Sirius and James are snickering into their food, but James has no food on a count of his mother withholding it from him.

Overall, good, solid chapter. Look forward to the next update!

MC_HK

Author's Response: Hey, sorry this took me a bit to respond!

Wow, thanks. I've always struggled a bit with everything sounding natural, and I'm glad I'm improving on that.

I seem to have trouble with repetition, and I've been slacking off on watching out for it. Thanks for reminding me. Thanks for all your help!

And I have a feeling you'll like the next chapter for some reason. Thanks again


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Review #6, by marauderfan Truth or Death?

25th August 2013:
Hello! Here with your requested review!

Before I get into the main part of the review, I wanted to say that I really like how you mentioned Peter's mum is a neat-freak. It's just the tiniest sentence but it's really nice to have a bit of characterisation for such an unimportant character. She may not ever show up again in the story but I love that you've given just a little insight into Peter's home life.

Truth or dare was a nice addition to the chapter too. A very typical teenager game and I thought it fit in well - James clearly was hoping for luck to be on his side with the questions he wrote, haha! I did wonder about the Veritaserum though. If Dorcas was only just then bringing Firewhisky into the room, how did the Marauders manage to already spike it with Veritaserum?

Overall I think the flow of the chapter was good, although the abrupt hop between POV's was unexpected. (I didn't notice the part that said "Sirius's POV" in the beginning and I was a little confused at first, but then I re-read and that cleared it up, lol). Also, there are some places were it's kind of hard to tell who's talking, such as the part when someone says this: But Dorcas, oh Dorcas, wherever would you four be without my guidance?
but I can't tell who is speaking. I think it's one of the Marauders but then who are the four he's talking about? So maybe adding a dialogue tag here would help :P

Characterisation is good. I think I'm getting to know Dorcas better as a character and can understand how she thinks now - your character description has come a long way since your first few chapters. Like I think I know her well enough now to predict that she's not going to tell anyone about her biggest secret, even though she was dared to.

As for other little things that didn't quite make sense to me -- I was curious why Dumbledore had to come and read the will. I'd think it would be handled by someone in the family? I mean, Dumbledore read Sirius's will to Harry because Harry had no other family, but there are many Blacks and I think one of them would have got the will rather than Dumbledore.

I also wondered why Alphard mentioned Dorcas in his will. It's not surprising that he knows her, since you've said Dorcas has prior acquaintance with the family, but I'd like to see a little more into that, maybe in the form of a flashback or something - how Dorcas knows Alphard that well.

Lastly, when Nick was first mentioned in this chapter I had a brief moment of "wait, who is he again?" I think the last time he made an appearance was chapter 2 or something. Given how close he and Dorcas used to be, I'd have thought that she would think about him just a little since their last interaction. But I guess she's had other things to worry about - so it could be just my incredibly forgetful brain at fault here!

Anyway, well done on this chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you for the part about Peter! I really like playing with his character, so I'm glad you saw that.

I really wanted to write a truth or dare chapter because I've always thought they were so much fun if not a bit childish. And I didn't actually make them spike the drink. it was in the air. I am very liberal with my potions apparently!

Sorry about that, but I switch POV's a lot. I should really keep it to one chapter, but I always feel like the chapter is missing something without another person's point of view.

I made Dumbledore come with Sirius because I doubt that Sirius would ever go back to his old house again without Dumbledore. I don't think Sirius would go willingly to face his whole family alone. Sorry if that didn't make sense. Maybe I'll add Sirius saying something like, "If it wasn't for Dumbledore, I wouldn't be here."

And I love my little literary devices, yes I do. You will see why I put Dorcas in the will later, as well as why her and Alphard are so connected.

I kind of did that on purpose, but it might be a bit too long of a stretch. I just don't see him seeing her everyday after she completely dismissed him on the train.

Thank you for your once again lovely review!


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Review #7, by MC_HK Changing

23rd August 2013:
This is an awesome chapter. I really like getting into Harley's head a bit, and the interactions between your characters are really well executed. Your description is spot on as well, and you've done a good job of letting me know who is talking which is something I've brought up before and I'm glad to see you're taking it into consideration and improving on that :)

Now for CC.

"she were" should be changed to "she was". You should only use 'were' if you're talking about multiple people.

I know I've seen a few punctuation errors, but they are minor and I'm very happy to see how well edited this is.

Anyways, this is awesome, and I can't wait for your new chapter. MC_HK

Author's Response: Yay, you're back!

I'm glad you liked this one so much. I think this chapter is the first one where I really got to take into account what everyone has said. Thanks for letting me know I'm improving.

I'll be sure to back and fix that, and I'll look for those little grammar problems when I go over this.

Thanks again!


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Review #8, by marauderfan All Of the Reasons Why

20th August 2013:
Here with your requested review!

Oh wow! I really didn't like Dorcas in this chapter. I mean I understand she's going through a lot and trying to figure out how to process it, but I don't know how Lily (or anyone) can deal with her when she's like that, she was so rude, and possessive of the Marauders which I found really childish. (I don't mean to say that your writing is at fault here. I just don't like the character at the moment. I hope she comes to her senses soon!)

There were some minor issues with continuity in this - I was wondering how Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore knew all about the Marauders and Dorcas being Animagi. Because that kind of negates much of PoA. Also, how does Dorcas know about the Order already?

The section where Lily tells her story threw me off for a bit because it switches POV to Lily's first person, when the rest is Dorcas' first person POV. I think, in order to keep the POV consistent, you could make Lily's story in third person. Then there wouldn't be a weird switch. :)

Hope I wasn't too brutal in this review, I'm just annoyed by the characters all being irritating at the moment! :P But the plot is good. Keep up the good work! :)

Author's Response: Everyone does! It's definitely unfair of Dorcas to be saying and doing all of the things she is in this chapter, but there is a point. Dorcas does some big growing up in the chapters that are coming up.

I feel so bad about this part. I like completely disregarded the fact that dumbledore and pomfrey don't know about them, and I definitely have to fix that. I didn't even realize until about three weeks ago and I haven't gotten around to changing it. Sorry for that!

I think I'll change that as well because I don't think lilys storytelling is good or very flowing either. Thanks for your insightful review!


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Review #9, by rozen_maiden Truth or Death?

12th August 2013:
blackballet! It's Mahalia, from the forums. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to keep reviewing (very, very sorry, I should say).
Your story is still coming along really well. I'm loving Dorcas personality - she's sassy, and a little rough around the edges, which makes her incredibly real to read. I really hope her and Sirius work out what's going on - you can tell that it annoys the other Marauders too, so I think it would be awesome if they could just sort their issues out, haha.
But the truth and dare game! I loved it - typical Sirius getting his hands on Veritaserum! That was always going to be trouble. But, I think you wrote that scene really well (there were some grammatical errors, but I won't waste your time pointing them out - if you just gave your chapter a once over, I think it would all be fine :)). It was easy to read, and I loved the character dynamics - especially the Remus/Mary kiss. I thought that was pretty cute :3
Ah, and your flashback! It sounds like Nick and Dorcas were really close at one point. I have to say, she is handling the whole him dating her friend very well, considering how serious (Sirius? haha) they were in their relationship. As much as I shouldn't, I do really enjoy Nick as a character - I think you've given him a strong personality, and he has a real 'bad boy' attitude. The fact I like and hate him at the same time is mark of great writing, so well done :)

Overall, another good chapter. I will be reading more, and again, I'm so sorry I've delayed it for so long!
- Mahalia

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it so much. They will sort there issues out soon, don't worry.
Yes, I had to put it in there, because I feel like it's a staple in a marauder fic. I had a bit of trouble keeping track of everyone, but I finally got it.

Yes they were very close, and I think Dorcas was okay about it because she doesn't really want much to do with Nick anymore, as you'll see in the next chapter.

Nick is like that bad boy that you really want to hate, but you just can't, and I am so glad I wrote him that way.

Thanks so much for reviewing, and I'll definitely request soon!


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Review #10, by marauderfan Step Two On My Way To Destruction

9th August 2013:
Back with your RR!

There was a lot of action in this chapter! And the beginning was funny when they pushed her out of the invisibility cloak because she refused to crouch :p Five people really wouldn't fit anyway, so maybe it's best they did that!

The flow was generally good - it transitioned easily from the current stuff to the flashback and then back again. Some of the paragraphs were a bit long though - so if you divide the long ones into two paragraphs it should flow better. :)

Also, I was a little confused by everything that happened in the Forbidden Forest. Was that a regular occurrence for them? I know they'd always all get scraped when they went on their "adventures" but I feel like with injuries that severe - broken ribs and gashes from accidentally transforming back, someone would notice or at least be concerned!

As for continuity... I thought you'd said before that Lily and Alice were her best friends, but in this chapter it seems like that's not the case: When I felt the comforting fur of my best friend beside me, I opened my eyes to the horror.
Dorcas doesn't actually want anything to do with her roommates in this chapter, which I thought odd since they're supposed to be best friends. So maybe you could add in a scene where Dorcas actually talks to them?

There are a few places where it shifts between present and past tense, so you might want to edit that. Otherwise you've done well on this chapter! :)

Author's Response: I'm glad that the action came across well, and I think I have to change the part about her being best friends with Lily and Alice, which does disappoint me a bit. When I first started this story, I thought that they would be much closer, but I don't think so anymore.

Well, that's why it was such a big deal, and in the next chapter the discuss it a bit. They don't usually get that hurt, so it is a big deal.

Thank you so much for your review, and I'm glad you liked it!


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Review #11, by AlexFan Stop Trying, It's Over

6th August 2013:
Finally, Dorcas finally ended it with Nick. Honestly, it was about time as well. She kept pining after him and I was just wondering when she would finally tell him that it's over and move on.

She could've gone and stayed with Sirius if she needed someone! He cares about her (a whole lot by the looks of it). He would've been there for her!

The drama though, there's just so much drama. I can't handle it. THE DRAMA!

But anyway, interesting chapter!

Author's Response: Yes, I think it's about time as well. She really needed to finalize that, and I think Nick needed it, too. But beware: all is not as it seems. He wont be gone forever!

Sirius isn't back yet! Don't worry though, he's coming soon.

Yes this chapter is very dramatic and teen-angsty. Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you enjoyed!

Congrats, as well. You're my ninetieth review!


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Review #12, by AlexFan Truth or Death?

6th August 2013:
Why exactly is Dorcas in the will? As far as I can tell she doesn't have much to do with the Black family and you've never mentioned that she ever met Sirius's uncle (unless you did and I've forgotten in which case forgive me).

I wouldn't suggest switching point of views in the middle of a chapter. It disrupts the flow of the chapter and can confuse some readers who may not be aware that the point of view has changed. The transition to the next scene was also very abrupt.

The beginning of the chapter starts out in Sirius's point of view and then once his part is done it immediately switches back to Dorcas's.

'The smell of Veritaserum hung slyly in the air'

The thing that I'm wondering is how the smell of Veritaserum can hang in the air slyly?

The end though, oh my God, the end of this chapter. Things are not going to end well for Dorcas. What is she going to tell everyone? I suppose she'll just not tell the truth through strong will.

Author's Response: That is not explained now, and may seem a bit random, but it is important for later.

I'm sorry! Other people have said this, and I never found it particularly disruptive while reading, but I guess it is.

Veritaserum is just a sneaky potion. I feel like it's something that would dilute the senses as well as force you to tell the truth. It's like everything becomes rather hazy for a bit.

You'll have to see! It may seem abrupt and coincidental, but it's all explained later like I've said before.

I'm happy you reviewed, and look forward to your next!


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Review #13, by AlexFan All Of the Reasons Why

6th August 2013:
I don't understand Dorcas, she's being very weird. I'm surprised at Lily though, I never thought she'd be one of those people who cared about getting a date to the ball. And Dorcas hasn't been ditching the marauders at all. I don't remember the past chapters all that clearly but I think she was around them a lot. If anything, she's been ditching Lily and Alice.

I could understand why Dorcas was cynical and sarcastic but now she's just plain mean. There's really no reason for her to yell at Lily and tell her to back off of the marauders. It's not like she controls who Lily can be friends with and who the marauder's can be friends with either. I don't know how Lily can just brush off being yelled at to get new friends and stay away from a group of people by one of her friends and be called stupid. I understand that Dorcas is upset and everything is kind of hectic for her but the way that she's dealing with things is unhealthy. She shouldn't take everything out on everyone else.

Everyone has been trying to help Dorcas out but she won't let them and now she's repaying the concern of her friends by yelling at them and being downright mean. She can't blame Lily for knowing things about her friends that she doesn't, it's not like Dorcas has exactly been asking about what's been going on with anyone else's life as of late. She literally tells Lily to forget about what happened between her and Severus and the fight and focus on her problem and finding Sirius.

I hope everything gets better between the characters and that everything gets figured out. Everyone just seems so unhappy but that's life, not everything goes right.

Author's Response: She is very emotional right now. I get so mad at Dorcas for the next few chapters as well. However, Lily isn't going to ask James just to have a date, she's going to get back at Severus, which is also really childish. It was mostly during the first week that she wasn't only not speaking to Lily and Alice, she wasn't with the marauders at all and that's weird for her.

Dorcas is just annoyed at everything and thinks the whole world is out to get her, and Lily does defend herself, because that's how Lily is. I mean, how would you react if you found out you were dying? I don't know what I would do, but this is what Dorcas does. She, in her own mind, is annoyed with Lily because she thinks the Lily's problems are infinitesimal compared to her's. Of course, Lily doesn't know that. Dorcas is horrid in this chapter.She really doesn't care about anyone else. This chapter enhances the worst part of her personality.

Everything will be resolved and onto the next problem soon! It's a tad bittersweet, to be honest.


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Review #14, by AlexFan Step Two On My Way To Destruction

6th August 2013:
Dorcas spends more time with the marauder's than she does with Lily and Alice and they're supposed to be her best friends. The scene with Remus turning into a werewolf confused me a little bit. I didn't really understand what was going on or where everyone besides the Forbidden Forrest. Remus is supposed to be in the Shrieking Shack and he's supposed to get escorted there by Madame Pomfrey and McGonagall. The way that those five were doing everything I'm surprised everyone hasn't figured out that James, Sirius and Peter are Animagi. You also had some really long paragraphs that I would suggest shortening. Other than that, this was a good chapter.

Sorry for the short review, I'm on a touch screen and I don't want to make anymore mistakes than there probably already are.

Author's Response: I did say that they were changing it up in the beginning of this chapter and last end of the previous. They are supposed to try this new place underground because Dumbledore thought it would be easier to kee him in that way. Guess not!

Thank you so much, and I'm happy you reviewed anyway!


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Review #15, by AlexFan Love and Other Injuries

5th August 2013:
Just something that I was wondering but, how has Dorcas never seen Dumbledore? I mean he gives a welcoming speech at the beginning and end of the year and he's usually always there for meal times. How has she never noticed him sitting up at the staff table and in the middle?

I'd never expected Lily to be one of those people who called someone names. I mean sure, she'd probably think them but I don't think she'd ever say something like that out loud. Besides, what has Emmeline ever done to her? From the sounds of it, Emmeline hasn't done anything wrong besides be jealous, something that a lot of girlfriends feel from time to time.

Oh my gosh, I can just imagine the looks and questions Dorcas must get with the hoof mark on her face. Anyway, not a bad chapter and relatively interesting. My favourite part was the part about the necklace that Sirius sent to Dorcas.

It wasn't that big of a deal but for some reason that was the part that stood out the most for me and I really liked it.

Interesting chapter and I'm sure I'll be coming back for more!

Author's Response: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about! I looked back into the chapter and I couldn't find what you were referring to. Sorry!

I think Lily does this because she knows (subconsciously) that Dorcas really does want to be with Sirius, and she thinks that Dorcas is trying to be skinny like Emmeline.

Yes, I thought that would be nice. I thought that brought in the Marauder aspect of it all.

That probably stood out the most because, even though it is a Sirius/OC story, there are relatively little scenes involving the two of them. It also solidifies their relationship as friends!

I'm glad you liked it, and I'm looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts.


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Review #16, by AlexFan Too Perfect

5th August 2013:
You should watch out for Americanisms, it's small things like 'mom' instead of 'mum' and I know I'm being really nitpicky but I'm just pointing out things as I go.

I love young Dorcas, she's just so full of sass. She's all like, "pssh, who are you trying to fool, I know what that badge is, you can't do nothing. Now step aside and brush that hair." That sass, I just can't get over the sass!

How does Sirius know how to do a stunning spell? Obviously he's really young and someone that young shouldn't be able to do a spell that took Harry until something like fourth year to master.

"You're too perfect." Now that's something that I've never seen stated about a character outright before. I've never heard of strong magic killing people before. I'm interested to know in how that works, I hope you explain more on how having strong magic can cause you to die young.

That last line, "I'm so perfect I could die," made me laugh because it pretty much sums up Dorcas's situation. I'm sorry, I'm trying to get over that but I just love that line. By far my favourite line so far.

Anyway, awesome job, I finally got to know some more about Dorcas and what her life might end up being like!

Author's Response: I'm sorry, I thought I caught all those as well. More editing for me, oh the joys of writing.

I love her, too! I mean, I really do. She was so much fun to write, especially because I usually write older and more serious(no pun intended) characters.

Wow, I completely overlooked that. I guess you could say it was because of who he grew up with. I mean, having Bellatrix around all the time he'd have to learn something.

Yes, this is where Dorcas starts to change a bit. You'll see in the next few chapters more about what it means, and I actually get really excited about that it's not good for my health.

I loved writing that, because it felt like something Dorcas would say. She's someone who likes having her own little inside jokes.

Thanks for your review, and I hope you get to read mine soon, because I loved your one-shot!


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Review #17, by AlexFan Play With Fire

5th August 2013:
I'm here for the review battle!

I've got two things that I want to point out here and that's about it.

The first thing is that you seem to switch between past and present tense a lot, it's something that all authors do and something that I'm also guilty of. It's not something that stands out unless you're looking for it but I've gotten into the habit of trying to spot things while I'm reading that it stood out.

The part where Dorcas talks about how she's beautiful, hangs out with the marauder's and briefly "dated" Sirius seemed out of character from her. I don't know her that much but from her thought process and her actions, saying something like that doesn't seem like something she say.

If that part was supposed to be sarcastic though, completely ignore my advice.

Other than, this was really interesting and I enjoyed reading this!

Author's Response: Sorry! I know I do that, and I think i fix it in the later chapters. I thought I had fixed it all when I went back and edited, but I guess I'll go over it again. Thanks for that.

And about her personality, it's very important. Dorcas is about to have a big change in her personality, so in this chapter I wanted to exaggerate her arrogance and vanity. (I wish I could pull of sarcasm in a story)

Thanks for your review, and I just left one on yours for the battle!


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Review #18, by MC_HK Back & Forth

5th August 2013:
You've got some misuse of punctuation, as there are areas that have a comma ending the quote instead of a question mark. There's a part where you say Lily's confused, but I think you should change that to anxiously. She's already jumped to the conclusion, so she isn't going to be confused, but eager. I spy a couple of missing words as well peppered throughout the chapter. I don't think Sirius could finish something silently, because if he did, he wouldn't have said anything at all. It should say something like, "He finished quietly," or something to that effect. "I don't really feel when I kiss" is kind of a confusing sentence for me, and could be reworded a little. You also split up dialogue from one person in to two paragraphs, and that it confusing, as that normally means that the next person is talking. The whole "who's talking?" thing is still getting to me! You have the word 'one' instead of the word 'own' i the snowball fight scene. 'Our' should be 'your' on when Dorcas is talking to Dumbledore. I'm kind of confused on the part where you say that Harley wouldn't understand Dorcas's situation, because don't they have the same situation? You also have Dorcas saying Nick's name a lot at the end, so a couple of those could be weeded out.

I do like the progression of the story, and look forward to reading it when it's updated. MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all those little details! That really helps me out a lot.

The reason I make her say Harley wouldn't understand, is because her and Harley are so different. You'll see in the next chapter, I promise.

I'm so mad that I can't rush to put in a request right after I answer! I'll be back as soon as the next chapter is up, I promise.

Until next time!


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Review #19, by AlexFan Roses and Vanilla

5th August 2013:
I adore how snarky Dorcas is. It's killing me because you're dropping these hints about her past but you're not going into detail and I really want to know more. Her relationship with Nick seems interesting and I'm looking forward to learning more about what happened between them.

The only thing that I can point out is that there seemed to be missing words in some places but other than that, this was funny and interesting and I really enjoyed it!

Author's Response: You will see more in the coming chapters, I promise (she said mysteriously). Nick is very interesting, a lot more than you would think, and sorry for that! I'll fix it as soon as I can. Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #20, by MC_HK One More Time With Humor

5th August 2013:
The name of the post should be "Daily Prophet", not "daily prophet." Also, you have a part where it says, "A silent, dry sob". I just thought that if someone's sobbing, it's more than just one. Just doing one sob sounds a little odd. I would also take out the "hexes" part of "her charms and hexes" because hexes are used on another wizard or living thing, not inanimate objects. Well, at least I believe so... I don't know, you can keep it in there, but that just kind of throws me off that Pomfrey would actually perform a hex. There are those few punctuation errors from before in here, as some are misused. Ah! And there's a "him magic knife and wand" when it should be "his". Sorry, just me being nitpicky

Otherwise, I really liked everything else. Not gonna lie, I fangirled a bit :) This is a really good chapter!

Love it, MC_HK

Author's Response: No, thank you! These are really helpful, even if you think you're being annoying for some unknown reason.

I'm glad you liked it, as this was probably the hardest to write for me. Thank you!


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Review #21, by marauderfan Love and Other Injuries

4th August 2013:
Hello, back with your RR from the forums!

Firstly you have improved a lot since the first couple of chapters - there was some good attention to detail in this one. I really like the way you've written James. Usually Remus is the sensitive one who picks up on things like that but I like to see James being observant too :) I think the flow and pacing are good as well.

A couple of things with continuity: Forgive me if you've said this and I just missed it, but what year are they in? I can't remember Dorcas ever mentioning it. I would guess sixth year? Or possibly fifth? I can tell it's not seventh because Lily says she reports to the Head Girl, meaning she's still a prefect.

Also, why would James automatically assume she is leaving (in the note he writes)? As much as I liked James being perceptive, I think he was a bit too perceptive to be believable!

Interesting to have Dorcas as an Animagus too. It doesn't quite fit with canon, but it works really well for the purposes of this story and illustrates the strong bond Dorcas has with the Marauders. I really liked the banter between her and the boys in this chapter, particularly them calling her out on a "sit in a circle" talk!

Lily seemed a bit mean in this, calling Emmeline a tramp - I guess I've always seen Lily as a really sweet person, so it surprised me. I wondered about Hestia too - Dorcas mentions she's not the brightest bulb, but there's really no context for the comment. Was Hestia talking about a test she failed or something? The comment just seemed out of the blue.

Since you asked about spelling - there are a few minor spelling mistakes throughout the chapter. You wrote "ever experience" instead of "every" in the beginning paragraph. You also had a few misplaced apostrophes (one place you wrote "girlfriend's" instead of "girlfriends") I don't know if you wanted me to list all of them, but if you want spelling/grammar help perhaps get a beta reader? Anyway, to be honest there weren't that many. It didn't interrupt the flow of the writing, and I think if you read the chapter over you'll be able to spot them. You've done well on this chapter, good work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I like to write James like that, because I feel that if he was completely ignorant, Lily would find very little attractive about him.

They are in sixth year, sorry you didn't get that. I should probably say it again. And wow, now that I think about it, that's pretty bad. I think I kind of forgot that James doesn't actually know everything!

I think, keeping with the theme of this story, it was very important. She is completely one of them in this story, so I thought it would be weird not to include her. And yes, no matter how great of friends they are, she is still a girl!

I think (same thing with James) that if she was perfect nice Lily all the time, James wouldn't really like her that much. I think it's important that he accepts her flaws and she his. And Dorcas really just means overall, Hestia is dumb. Dorcas really doesn't like her that much, because she's very tactless. It's a bit hypocritical because Dorcas can be tactless too, but that's Dorcas for you.

Thank you so much. I do have a beta, and he probably just missed those couple words. I'll have to go over the chapters!

Thank you so much, this was a great review.


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Review #22, by MC_HK Do You Understand?

4th August 2013:
"He, he thought we couldn't handle it without you." This kind of a pause should be done like, "HeÖ He thought we couldn't handle it without you." You've got a couple of spelling errors sprinkled throughout the chapter as well that should be fixed. There are also some punctuation errors where there are periods instead of commas. And those gosh darn repetitive words! You gotta fix those lol! There are also some sentences that sound kind of jumbled in the sense that the words are out of order. You've done a bit better in terms of indicating who is saying what, but it's still an issue for me. You've got the word "shrunk" when it should be "shrunken". And there is some inconsistency in your facts. When Dorcas puts a disillusionment charm on herself, earlier you said it was hard for her to cast even the most simple of spells. I also noticed you have some missing words as well.

I do like the premise of this chapter though, and I like Nick's POV.

Until next time MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you again! I can never figure out how to do those pauses, and I always thought the dot dot dot was incorrect. I guess not!

I never thought that I used periods instead of commas until some reviewers started pointing it out, and now that I look back, it's completely wacky! Thanks for mentioning that.

She does have trouble casting spells, but, unfortunately, it does not stop her most of the time. That's Dorcas for you.

I'm glad you liked it, and sorry about the repetitive words and errors!

I'll respond to a review soon!


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Review #23, by MC_HK One Perfect Morning

4th August 2013:
The first thing I notice right away are repetitive words. My warning to you is be careful, as this can render the reader incredibly bored of your story. Your shorter sentences should be made longer because they make it the flow very disjointed. You also jump the gun on a couple of your ideas. When Dorcas learns her magical capacity is at 73, she said it seems okay, but she doesn't even know what it is yet, or what the scale is. And Madame Pomfrey didn't even mention that her files were all open and everything. She did for a little bit, but then it was like she forgot. If she put a spell on them, then she would have been more concerned, at least that's what I think. And the last POV is just called Third POV. It should be told from the POV of Dumbledore considering Third POV doesn't really make sense.

I liked how Dorcas found out about her sister, though. I thought that was interesting. I also like the personality you gave to Pomfrey. We don't see much of her in many fics, so it's nice to see what you can do with her.

Until next time MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you so much! This is really the type of review I needed for this chapter. The whole thing is a bit of a mess, I guess.

When Dorcas said it seemed okay, that's really what she meant. It seems like that's okay, but she can't be sure yet.

I'm glad you liked Madame Pomfrey, and I'm glad you found it sort of interesting!

I'll be here, waiting for your review.


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Review #24, by MC_HK Just Wake Up

3rd August 2013:
I really like this emotional chapter. I like to see how everyone is affected by Dorcas because it really gives a great insight into the group dynamic. I think the most CC I could give is to take what I've said about previous chapters and apply it to your later ones. It's kind of always some missing words or a bit of grammar issues. It doesn't upset me, but I feel like I can't give you a great review if I'm just saying the sam things over and over again.

But really, I really liked this chapter and I hope you re-request soon. MC_HK

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! I've always had trouble with showing the proper emotion, but I think this was one of my better chapters as well.

I love all of your reviews! They really are helpful, and repetition is still helpful. I will request soon, don't you worry.


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Review #25, by MC_HK Confusion Garnished With Lies

3rd August 2013:
You've got a good chapter. I like being able to have a peek at Sirius' thoughts and even Nick's thoughts at times. The end with Dorcas in the clouds is a really interesting bit, and I kind of wish you extended it more. Again, well done with your chapter.

Don't take this the wrong way, but beside usual missing words and punctuation, I do have one comment about some of your writing. I feel like there are areas that you kind of use filler words. I can see that some of it kind of doesn't fit in with what was before it or it seems a little disjointed. I'm not saying this is a totally bad thing, but if you found a way to make those ideas flow it would be great. Like I feel like there are areas that you do it a lot with Sirius and Nick when you try to explain their thoughts and feelings. Like when Nick talks about things being Gryffindor-like, I don't think being mental and crazy count as being a Gryffindor.

Like I said, please don't take that the wrong way. I really do like your story, and it truly does interest me. Just giving my CC where I think it needs to be. MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you for that. I think it would be kind of hard not to have their thoughts, because they are so integral at this part of the story.

I think I do that because people have told me I'm not descriptive enough, and then I just come back to it, and it ends up being very awkward. Thank you for mentioning that. And I think the only reason Nick thinks like that is because, in my mind, he's always been a very close-minded person.

Thank you for reviewing again, and really, I'm glad you said something!


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