Wow this one is so long. I really liked it :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
Sorry I haven't been reviewing, but this is just so good, I had to get to the next chapter asap! NEVER stop writing this... I'm being sirius...Author's Response: I'm so happy you're back again. This is so encouraging, it's ridiculous. I'm working on another chapter and I hope to get out two more over spring break. Thank you for your punny joke. :) Report Review
WOW. This chapter seemed endless. And it was amazing!! Every time I thought it was over, there was more story! That made me oh, so happy, and I'm really upset now that it's over. :( Thanks for the update though!Author's Response: I'm so happy you came back to read it! Thanks again. Report Review
And... you leave it there. Sirius isn't even back yet!!! GAH!!! I just wanna rip my hair out! Why do you have to be such a good writer!? oh, and when do you think the next chapter will be out? hopefully soon, 'cause I can't stand the suspense! (Well, I know it's not really a suspenseful scene, but still...)Author's Response: Oh my god! You have no idea how appreciative I am of this! I'm glad you love it so much and think I'm a good writer. I have already written the next chapter and it is much longer.
See you next time! Report Review
madam Pomfry's first name is Popy not Pomina, thats professor Sprout's first name.Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Well, this is certainly a sad beginning! :/ It's written very well, though. And I have hope that everything gets better!Author's Response: It is pretty sad, and I can't give away anything right now, but I hope you'll enjoy it! Thanks for reviewing. :) Report Review
I think the concept of your plot is quite entertaining, and with some more in depth thought and execution this could turn out to be a completely brilliant story.
That being said, I feel as though Dumbledore is slightly out of character. He's a tough one, in which mainly what we've seen and heard from him he's been around Harry, whom he's quite fond of, but given his advanced age and position in the school, and for lack of a better word, I feel he sort of lacked any tact or real emotion when relaying the events to Dorcas.
Some of the writing is a little difficult to read..it's a bit choppy and could use more transition into certain sequences to make things flow more smoothly.
And it could just be me, but on occasion when reading the larger pieces of dialouge between multiple characters, I get confused about who is doing or saying what. Specifically what comes to mind is Dorcas' run in with Bella, when Bella curses at her, and then Dorcas wants her to apologize, and Bella pulls out her prefect badge etc. etc. I had to re-read it to gather that it was Bella pulling out the badge, and Dorcas wanting a apology.
But overall, as I said before, this shows a lot of promise. Beta readers work wonders, I try to never publish a chapter without one or two others' perspectives and editings first, as they can provide invaluable insight :)
I did also notice, I believe in the previous chapter, Nick calling her the virginal doe, but later on during an inner monolouge about Sirius, she states that they shagged one night in the broom closet. If they snogged and it was a typo, then it would make sense. But if it wasn't a typo, she certainly wouldn't be the virginal doe.
I absolutely love the length of this chapter. I think it works perfectly for the events you have going on, and leaves off in the perfect place. The timing and pacing of the events couldn't be better! It gives the readers just enough to keep them interested, and has just enough individuality to not be a typical Sirius/OC. Keep up the awesome work, I look forward to reading more!Author's Response: That is what I meant, the virginal doe. I meant tosay snog, but I have to wait for the next chapter to be validated until I can update that. I should use a beta, but I'm considering dropping this again, because I don't have a ton of time on my hands to dedicate this to. I would hate to disappoint anyone with not updating.
If you would be interested in betaing this for me, I would be happy. considering you picked up on one of the smaller details, I am assuming you'd do a nice job.
Thank you again for your review. Report Review
This first chapter holds promise, although I must say it's a little short. Keep an eye on your tenses as well, I especially noticed in the first few paragraphs while you're introducing the main character's friends that the tenses were switched, even in the same sentence. Not too bad overall thought!!Author's Response: Thank you!
I try to work on that and I think I might go back after i have most of story done and rewrite.
thanks for reviewing Report Review
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