Hey there Roots!
So first of all, I had a nice long review but somehow...my fingers closed the page tab where I was writing it and its gone...so I'll try to make this one long too but I make no promises. :(
Second, and most importantly, I'm here as thanks! With your review, you managed to bring HPo4 to 100 reviews. I only read the first chapter of his so I figured that the only logical thing to do was to continue on with this story. XD Anyway, on with the review! :D
The first part was amazing. The confusion, the muddled stated of mind...it reminds me of when you're just coming out from anesthesia. You're sorta there...but nothing makes any sense to you. Moody seems to be in that state of mind, poor guy. Is he cursed? is it a potion? Crouch seems to know what he's doing though.
and his mama had never mentioned that magic could make you repeat a day You know...I've never actually imagined Moody as a child. I mean...he's one of those characters that I just thought as parentless. Not in the orphan kind of parentless but in a 'sprung from a tree as an adult' kind of person. However, you managed to get rid of any 'adulthood' one would expect him to have because he's well...Alastor Moody. Here he's a child with child-like problems: making new friends in a new town...helping his mother around the house. You managed to open a whole new character for me!
We didn't get to meet his parents directly, however they sound great. His father's job sounds interesting. He's an auror of sorts, I think... His mother though, she sounds like a nice, silly woman who I would enjoy to meet. She does sound, however, rather bored but it makes sense. She can't really make friends because of her husband's job. Speaking of his mama...is she a bit of a squid or house charms not her forte?
'His father had always said that it was better to solve things with words than with violence but sometimes Alastor didn't agree.--This sentence made me chuckle but this is the Moody we know but it makes sense. He always struck me as a guy who would stun you first before asking questions.
The last part is what got to me. I had managed to forgot that Moody was trapped in a trunk some where. Because of your flow and narrative I got caught up in Moody's childhood life so when I got to the end, you made me stop for a few second before it made any sense to me.
The only thing I notice were a couple of spacing issues where two paragraph are together. Other than that...this chapter was great! I'm adding this to my favorite so I can come back and read it! :D
Until next time, Roots! :D
--RosieAuthor's Response: Hello!
I've had that happen to me too- it definitely sucks, especially if you were just about to finish... And this review is certainly lovely!
I'm really glad that you liked the first part of the chapter. You described exactly the state of mind I was trying to get across, which is wonderful! Moody is currently under a certain spell cast by Crouch that prevents him from controlling himself... Can you guess which one? :)
Haha- I definitely understand what you mean. There are some people who seem to have been birthed old (and doesn't that sound strange?). I'm very glad that his "childishness" didn't seem awkward or overly out-of-place for him. It was interesting writing him as a child.
Unfortunately, you'll never get to meet them directly, just in comments and thoughts. And you're correct- his father is an Auror of sorts. More of a spy for them, an intelligence agent, if you will.
Haha- house charms are most certainly NOT her forte. :P
It's always interesting when you're writing a character as a child to try and integrate pieces of their future self into their thoughts and actions... Alastor certainly isn't the type to just sit back and think as an adult, so I didn't think that he would be as a child.
Thanks for your fantastic review and for returning to read the story! I really enjoyed your comments. Report Review
I am so sorry, I meant to review this ages ago, I READ it ages ago, but then with the site going down and everything, I didn't get a chance to review it so I'm going to now!
I loved this opening chapter that you have here! The first thing that I really loved was how cautious and careful he is, which is canon and true to his character, every word of it. The descriptions of the different charms and protective spells he uses to keep himself safe.
I really liked the description of his prosthetic leg and the reasons he had to remove it at night. That makes total medical sense, which is something that I like to see in stories. But I can also see why he wouldn't want to take it off at night. You can never be too careful :P
When the intruder trips the alarms, and he was at first just like meh because the muggles trip it all the time..that made me laugh a little bit. And I just thought it was brilliant the way he was running through scenarios in his head, the way he was was ready to take the offensive. You can tell that there are years of auror experience there, that even an intruder in his own home does little to truly ruffle his feathers. He is cool and confident that he has the one up on this person, and I thought that was just fabulous. Well done!
The fact that only a few people knew who he lived was a really interesting detail to include. I think it's way better than having a secret keeper, and it also alerts him that it had to be someone who had access to the ministry, which narrows down the pool of people that it could possibly be.
Again, in medical authenticity, the pain that he feels above his prosthetic leg, the problems that he is having. It must be so frustrating for him to be getting older, because he's always been at the front lines of trouble for the order, how obnoxious that pain must have been.
I love the tension that builds continuously through this as well, you're not sure what's going to happen, if he will apprehend the intruder or what, all the way up until the very end, with a cliffhanger of sorts. I really really enjoyed this chapter and I'm sorry it took so long for me to tell you!!
AshAuthor's Response: Haha- it's definitely not a problem! I'm just glad that you've left this lovely review!
I'm so glad that you liked the opening chapter for this story. It's really the beginning of the whole story (yes, that does sound rather silly but it's true!) and if it wasn't believable, then the whole story wouldn't work.
I'm glad that you think that Moody's canon. He certainly is a difficult characer to write, so it's a relief to know that you think he's in character. :) And I haven't had any medical training beyond the basic first aid so it's good to know that the medical aspect made sense.
Haha- he lives in a muggle neighbourhood because it's safer... But then the silly muggles get in his way. *sigh* Poor Moody. :P I'm glad that it seemed like he had years of Auror experience- I really strived to ensure that his work career was apparent.
Thanks once again for reading and reviewing! I'm glad that you enjoyed this chapter! Report Review
Oh, no! I didn't realize that we'd come to the end of Alastor's surreal journey. It's been a very enjoyable trip, I have to say.
This was the first chapter since he was placed under the Imperius Curse that didn't have a "lead in" section where he was struggling against the effects of the curse, and it threw me for a little while. I couldn't figure out whether he'd been set free of the curse or not. The way that he wakes up -- disoriented, confused, tired and grumpy -- lent itself to continuing the mystery. It wasn't until I realized that he was at home and reliving the arrival of Dumbledore's owl that it became clear that he was still under Crouch's control.
The other thing I thought was strange about the first section was that we didn't see any "glitch in the Matrix". For me, the whole transition between the moment where "Imperiused Moody" decides to accept Dumbledore's offer and the end of the story felt sort of abrupt. I think it would be better if there was some event, some flaw in Imperiused Moody's fake reality, that suddenly makes him realize that things still aren't right and that leads him to fight his way back to the ocean. Maybe I'm just projecting the fact that I've seen too many sci-fi movies and TV shows onto your story, but to me it would be more satisfying to see Alastor have some grand epiphany that finally leads to him throwing off Crouch's control.
The ocean scene seemed like a reference to him being trapped inside the false bottom of his trunk. It was an interesting effect, but again I felt like there should have been some sort of transition from there to the moment where he wakes up in the Hospital Wing. Maybe some sort of "moving toward the light at the end of the tunnel" type event.
Alastor's conversation with Dumbledore was my favorite part of the chapter. The only thing I wish is that you had actually gone into more detail and really showed Alastor giving Dumbledore a hard time about being so careless. Of all seven books, I thought Barty Crouch's "master plan" in GoF was the biggest plot stretch. He spent an entire school year inside the castle with Harry, teaching his lessons several times a week, mentoring him, sneaking him advice. Why on earth didn't he just grab Harry at some point and drag him out of the castle, then apparate him right back to Little Hangleton? Why the elaborate, extremely failure-prone scheme with the tournament and the trophy? It was sort of idiotic, if you think about it. I would have loved to see Moody lay into Dumbledore for being such a fool and not paying more attention to Harry's well-being.
It's been a fun ride and I've really enjoyed following this story from start to finish. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do next!Author's Response: Oh my gosh- I'm so sorry I've taken so long to respond to this very helpful review! To start, thank you so much for all of your commIents in this review!
When I wrote this story, I wrote it in sections and it wasn't until the end that I realized that I had several short sections that wouldn't work as entire chapters. I didn't quite realize that I had broken the pattern I had had with the previous chapters, and I'll certainly have to go back and edit it so that it works better within the plan of the story.
I like your idea about having there be an "epiphany" moment. However, I'd pictured Moody's end under the Imperius coming from Crouch having been discovered and his spells stopped. But, thinking along that vein, it certainly would be interesting to see the spell actually end in the "mind frame"...
Wait- the ocean scene that you're referring to was the transition scene between his being under Crouch's control to his mind returning to its former order. I definitely should make that clearer.
Haha- I'll definitely go back and add in some more scolding on Moody's part. He'll definitely enjoy that. Sheesh, Albus- how on earth could you have not seen what was right in front of your face? :)
Thanks once again for reviewing this story and leaving so many helpful comments! I'll definitely use them when editing this story (which I will be doing very soon!). Report Review
Roots. I'm feeling very shorted right now. I didn't even realize this was the last chapter and now! Gah! It's over!
I really enjoyed that you went through and let us hear Albus explaining it all, but I also kind of feel like you rushed it a bit. You usually do so much detail, every move your characters make that pertain to them, and I love it. So I was surprised when you didn't have them going to Dumbledore's office to discuss this, or show him setting up something around them so they wouldn't be overheard... But I can't tell if I'm feeling this way because this chapter really was missing these things or because I just want this to continue. You make it clear that Albus filled him in on the details when you make the comment about Albus going into greater details that Alastor would be pleased with, but I really wanted to actually hear those and Alastor's reaction to them. I wanted to hear him ask what happened to Crouch Jr, and ask how soon until he'd be able to speak to Harry about what he saw so they could get a better handle on Voldemort's current state... and like I said I don't know if it's actually something missing in this chapter or if I'm greedy. Haha.
Regarldess of that, I still loved the way you tied everything off. You used such a creative way to show us points of Alastor's life, to show us what had been done to him during that year, how Crouch had kept his mind active, reliving itself basically to keep the Auror at relative ease and unable to think... that was all so amazing. You created such a creative story, not only have I never read a Moody centered one, but I doubt anyone has done anything along the lines of this.
You managed to show him so well as a child and show the way he slowly but surely got to the level of 'constant vigilance' that we were introduced to. You kept him the same character all the way through but all the while making him seem realistic for the current age of the chapter.
I'm so happy I found this story, it was such an awesome read and I loved every minute of it. If you ever think about expanding this chapter, let me know and I'll be the first back here to read it ;).Author's Response: I'm so, so, so, so sorry that it's taken me this long to respond to your review! I'd just like to first off thank you for the wonderful comments you've left me- they're very helpful in the editing process!
I can definitely understand what you're saying about the interaction between Albus and Moody. At the time, I believe I neglected to include a full rendition of the year because everyone knows Harry's side... But I suppose that we don't know Albus' side, which would be, of course, slightly different.
I'm very happy that you liked the manner in which I told this story. It was a very interesting one to write because it allowed me to focus on several key events in Moody's life while at the same time exploring an often unexplained moment in Harry's own history.
I'm so happy that you liked the way I characterized Moody as (as you definitely know), he's a difficult character to get right. He has such a unique personality.
I will let you know once I've edited the story. :) Thanks for taking the time to read and review! Report Review
LILY JAMES AHH HEART MELT. I don't even care that it was just a mention, she still lectured serious and they were still there and AHH. My little heart is going to LJ feels explode.
I love that Mad Eye is realizing someones in there, his mind that is. It was a bit heart breaking that he was fighting so hard to get above the waves, doing everything he could to try and get the intruder out, but it was just too much. But ever scene he's getting more aware and stronger, and I'm very curious to see where he is by the almost end of it.
The watch detail! It was almost a bit chilling to imagine Moody forgetting something like that, and such a strong sign for the part of him that's in the present that it's not right, that something's off.
I still really love the amount of details you take care to add. Little things like Hogwarts being the fall back location just give this such a realistic feeling.
And the detail about Everyone hiding secrets and those being deadly to someone also struck me as absolutely perfect. It's so true. Lily and James and Sirius and Peter kept their switch of secret keeper a secret. Dumbledore kept so many secrets from Harry that could have killed him. Peter kept the fact that he wasn't strong enough to take it all a secret. Gah. It's so sad and you put these tiny lines in there that flow in so perfectly, but at the same time have so much emotional boom behind them.
The way we look at this through Moody's eyes still continues to really feel right to me. It's precise, he sees things in a factual way, he doesn't feel things unless he's allowing himself to, and he notices what needs to be noticed first keeping his mind on what actually matters.
And I love the progression in the time line as well as the details you've tied in, and now I'm wondering if the spy for the Order is who I think it might be. Ahhh.
I'm so impressed that you continue to make it clear what spells he's using, what he's doing for his protection, how he things about it... I can't imagine it would be easy to say in such an intense and specific style... but it's so worth it because the effect makes for such an original and intriguing read.
Awesome chapter, as always ♥Author's Response: Haha- I'm glad that you enjoyed that mention. I don't think that I could have written a Marauder-era, Order-centric chapter without a mention of them. ;)
I'm glad that you like the progression that's been made with the battle fought inside Moody's mind.
The watch detail- for me, it's one of the most obvious factors that reveal the problems with Moody('s mind). It was almost painful to write it because the action was something so totally NOT HIM (since I can't use italics in a response).
I'm also very happy that you liked the level of description that I'm including. I don't know if I was specifically thinking about the secrets that the Marauders kept when I wrote that sentence (Moody's an absorbing character), but now that you've mentioned it, it fits perfectly.
I'm glad that you think that my writing style continues to suit Moody's personality. And the spy probably is who you're thinking it is. :P
Thank you so much for your lovely and absolutely fantastic comments! I love reading them and I really appreciate them. THANK YOU. Report Review
So, obviously he's a bit curious about these waves, or not even curious.. but he momentarily tries to figure out what they're doing, what he should be doing, but this was the first time he's actually not trusted what his head is telling him. YAY! Although, considering we know he's found still in the depths of the trunk, I wonder if he'll ever fully figure out what's happening or if it isn't until he's found that he's able to fight over the control. Poor mad eye :(.
Oh god. My head canon is getting the best of me. I was about to remind you that Rosier is the one who cursed off his leg in case you wanted to add in a name, but then realized that was just in my head :P But - I LOVE that you're mixing his memories, what he currently believes to be part of, with the fact that he actually isn't. His leg not feeling right makes perfect sense, considering in his head he was much younger during his last memory. I love that you added that because it keeps us aware that everything happening in his head isn't just old memories for us to see, but they're what Moody's being 'distracted' with and he's slowly starting to find flaws in them.
So, I don't think this is incorrect, but it still felt odd. The part where Alastor is told he's expected in the second trainee room, I think training room would feel smoother only because when I saw trainee I automatically thought person, so I was thinking second trainee, then room kind of jumbled me up. I'm also only on my first cup of coffee..
I LOVE your explanation of the Aurors and their different departments. This entire section feels very military-ish so far. Which makes a lot of sense to me, and I think does an awesome job at making it clear to us that it's not just running around capturing dark wizards. AND I've been wondering exactly what his dad did because his job didn't seem like a normal Auror, so more of a spy auror makes sense! Though, if you ever feel like editing this, you could stick with the military feeling you've created (by using things like unit, active duty, mandatory paper work if injured on the job until cleared by a physician, having to pass a Physical Test after being injured..) and use different terms. You could stick with Field Aurors, then intelligence Aurors (instead of research) then Special Operations Aurors (as spy). Obviously a very random suggestion, but everything about this section is so perfect and uniform (in a very good way!) that I thought I'd throw the suggestion out there to stick with the mood you've already created :). So you'd basically have the active duty unit as the Field Aurors (since active duty in the military is designed mainly for actual fighting.. well active duty army, I don't know much about the other branches), the Intelligence Aurors would be parallel to Military Intelligence (they work with only research relating to the military, and they work with the CIA I believe) then Special Operations Aurors would be like the Army's special forces, the navy's Navy Seals.. that same idea. They work in very, very small units and are very secretive to the point where spouses don't even know what they're doing. Only their superiors know where they are, so they're the closest to a spy you can get without going into CIA. Okay. Sorry to write you an essay, but like I said.. everything else just felt so tight and perfectly in place, that I couldn't help but add an alternative to research and spy. I'm done with that now :P
Wait! Wait! I want to know how to know if we're over planned!! You did such an awesome job sucking me into the sections question. I was so into his random choosing of students, and how they would react (high five to blondy for having a good answer!) that I felt myself frown a bit when it was over, haha. I'm such a baby.
Ahhh what does Albus need his help for?! I'm *very* excited to find out. Absolutely spectacular job with that letter, by the way. I can't believe how well you captured his voice.
Okay, here's where I'm at with Alastor. I think you've done such a perfect job with keeping his sense of 'constant vigilance' alive, and you haven't overdone his gruffness. I think he fits in perfectly with his time frame, and the lecture hour was really awesome. It gave us a chance to see why he would even accept a position teaching at Hogwarts. He's good at it! It may not be his very favorite thing, but he's really, really good at it!!
I also continue to love the amount of detail you have. The things you describe are things that matter, things that Alastor would notice, and you don't break us out of character by telling us about things that Moody *wouldn't* notice. That might be one of my favorite things about your writing style.
This was a really, really awesome chapter m'dear! ♥Author's Response: Woah- large, amazing review here. Thank you so much! :D
I would answer your pondering in the first paragraph but seeing as how you've already finished the story... Well, you know how it ends (as well as the things I need to improve upon). :P
I'm so glad that you like what I'm doing with the flaws in the memory process. This story was a way to explore Moody's life but the memories had to serve a purpose in the larger context of the story as well... (Silly plot, right? Why can't I just write scenes with no purpose?)
And I've wanted to correct/suggest things for people and then realized that it's all happened in my head... It's strange how little of what you know about the HP universe is actually grounded in the books, isn't it?
That's a good point! I didn't even think to use "training room", even though it would make a lot of sense... Silly me. And thanks for all of the military terms! I'll definitely edit them in when I edit the chapter!
Haha- Dan said the same thing about the "over-planning" stop. I suppose I'll edit in a response to that question, since both of you wanted to know what it was. :P
I'm so, so, so glad that you like how I've written Alastor up until this point! I'm super happy that you think I've written him such that he fits in with each time period of his life.
Thank you so much for the absolutely fantastic review! Report Review
Yay back for another Moody fic! You have such a talent for taking these characters who aren't often enough given their own story, and writing them with such an exact hand.
I loved the way that Moody already analyzes things. He sees them, takes them in, decides what to do or how he feels.. like with his own awkwardness in his body. He understand its there, is uncomfortable about it, and immediately wants to change it. No, 'I'll just wait it out' for him. It's small details like that which really make this story something different.
I also really liked the sense of respect he has for the professor. A lot of young students wouldn't respect a harsher teacher, and the fact that he does, once again, really speaks volumes for his character.
And the apprehension he had when she walked closer to him.. it wasn't a great deal, but it was just enough so when she did say his name, he wanted to deny it. Loved that. like, you think it might be you, but you don't really expect it to me.
Poor Alastor :( Not only have you opened up a very painful death, but you've given other ideas about his mother. Why had she fled so quickly? I do hope that's something we'll find the answer out to, because you've got my little wheels turnings.
Dumbledore seemed very Dumbledore, but there was also something that felt a tiny bit off. Maybe just that he seemed to get to the point so quickly? But it's not really his place to do his usual, circle around questions, style So that wasn't even really off...maybe it's my brain that's off this morning :P he still felt like Dumbledore though, and that alone is a huge accomplishment. The man is a beast to write.
I think your level of detail in this chapter was so exquisite. The way you moved in the beginning through Moody's very out of it, but still just cognizant enough to *know* he's out of it, ahh. I'm in love with that entire italicized section. The confusion, but the understanding we as readers have with what's really happening, where he is and why he so desperately wants to succumb.. it was perfect.
Your writing is, as always, an amazing pleasure to read.
♥Author's Response: Hello! I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to respond to your lovely review! I've been busy with work and I've finally gotten more than a few minutes to spare.
Why thank you! I'm so flattered that you think I'm good at writing minor characters! Thank you!
It was interesting to write this scene because it meant that I had to decide the level Alastor was at as a teenager- whether he was already displaying many of the tendencies he had as a late adult or which ones of them he did have, however undevelopped they might be. I'm glad that you liked the way I portrayed his analyzing abilities. I decided that they were one of the qualities he would have to have even from a young adult.
For me, I think that Moody wouldn't respect a lax teacher. He's the kind of person that appreciates discipline and order and wants it in the world around him.
Since I don't think that I ever answered the question about his mother (since the next memory took place so far into his future that fitting it in wouldn have been awkward and difficult to do) I'll answer it here. From what I remember (since I wrote this story largely over the summer), his mother fled because she was worried for her safety. After all, her husband had a very dangerous job and if he was murdered it was very likely that his murderers would kill her too, just in case she had been told anything.
I'll go back and look at Dumbledore- you're certainly right in that he's a very difficult character to write.
Thank you so much for reviewing and for leaving such lovely comments! I loved reading your review! Report Review
Hi, there! Back for another Holiday Review Swap review.
I love the progression you've created in the opening scenes of each chapter. Alastor is actively fighting back against the waves now, struggling to regain a foothold from which to mount a defense. He seems to come close at the beginning of this chapter, although he's not quite strong enough yet. But the tide seems to be turning.
Again, a small glitch in the Matrix. It takes him a moment to recall the purposes of the noise his watch is making, something that Alastor Moody would never do if properly fixed in time. The little details make this story so much more enjoyable.
I also love the obvious progression in Moody's paranoia over the years. Now he's taking random floos to get home, warding his house, worrying about the particulars of what he can and cannot remember... much more extreme. One thing that I felt a bit curious about was his mention of James and Sirius. If he once taught them as Auror trainees, does that mean that they dropped out of the program? I thought you did a really good job with his thoughts on the younger Order members and their tendency to over-react to the highs and lows of fighting a long, drawn-out war. "Look forward" sounds almost as much in character as "constant vigilance".
"The Great Hall still looked the same as it had when he went to school and he suspected that it would look the same many years down the road unless some great tragedy occurred there." - Nice bit of irony!
You added even more brilliant Moody mindset to the meeting in the Great Hall. His thoughts on Sirius's unforgotten feud with Snape and especially his musings on Dumbledore's secret information source were very well done. At this point, I have to assume that Snape is in fact Dumbledore's source. Time-wise, that would place these events very near to James and Lily's murder. I'm suddenly on the edge of my seat. Will we get to see this event through Alastor's eyes?
One thing that just sort of jumped out at me is the description of the area around the store in Diagon Alley. Since the alley is located in London, it would seem that space is at a premium. It's hard to imagine an open field in the middle of London. It makes a great scene for a battle, but I'm not sure whether it's realistic.
"And Lily, along with James, had not been allowed to participate in the battle, so there was no one there to restrain him." - Ah! This lends a lot of credence to the idea that Snape has already switched sides.
A small typo, I think: "As one of the most experienced fighters there Alastor took it upon himself to fight on of the most dangerous Death Eaters: Evan Rosier." - one of the most dangerous... And another: "Evan as he dodged Rosierís spells" - Even as he dodged...
The battle scene, itself, seemed to be very focused on the fight between Moody and Rosier. This makes sense, I suppose, given Moody's single-minded focus on staying alive. The couple of mentions you make of the fighting going on around Moody could have been a bit more detailed, at least for my taste. It would have helped to enhance your descriptions of the inherent chaos of a battle if you could have given us a better sense of who was dueling who and the curses flying everywhere.
Once Voldemort arrived, that's when I would have really loved to see the descriptions of the battle blossom. There are few scenes in the magical world more fascinating and profound than a confrontation between the greatest champions of light and dark. I wish you had dived headfirst into a vivid description of their duel. As it was, Voldemort's appearance in the scene felt a bit gratuitous, as though he simply showed up to trade a few spells with Dumbledore and deliver a menacing warning that, frankly, was a little redundant. Everyone in the Order must have been pretty well aware of Voldemort's desire to kill them.
The chapter rounds out pretty nicely. You've set the stage for the scene discussed in Dumbledore's memories in Goblet of Fire, where Moody loses part of his face as he defeats and ultimately kills Rosier.
Your writing was probably a little rougher around the edges than usual in this chapter, but still quite good. I had the sense that you struggled a bit with a couple of scenes. Overall, though, I'm still really enjoying this and looking forward to finding out what happens when Moody finally manages to stand up to the waves! Happy Holidays!Author's Response: Hello! I feel awful that it's taken me so long to respond to this review. I was utterly unprepared for the flood the Holiday Review Swap unleashed.
I'm glad that you continue to like the opening sequences. They're my way of smoothing the time jumps between chapters and reminding the reader of fight in his mind because of the Imperius Curse.
I'm glad that you liked Moody's paranoia in this chapter. It was certainly interesting to try and think like a paranoid Auror- you can never be quite sure that you've captured all of the possible ways in which you could be harmed.
Oh- I didn't mean that they dropped out of the program. I was more meaning that he had been a guest lecturer on several occasions during their training. I'll be sure to try and clarify that when I edit the story.
I'm glad that you noticed the deliberate reference to the second Wizarding War! It's one of the many fun things about writing a piece in the past- you can reference future events that everyone will understand.
Yes, in my muddled mind Snape has already started to switch sides. At times I worry that he only switched sides after Lily's death but this time frame worked better for me and so I chose it (hopefully someone isn't too particular about the timing of Snape's defection).
The alley was another iffy point in my mind. I tried to explain it so that it would make sense but I can see that it didn't make it realistic enough. I'll have to change the location of the battle so that it makes more sense. And thanks for pointing out those typos!
Thank you for those pointers about writing action sequences, which definitely aren't my forte. I'll definitely be using them as I edit my story.
I'm glad that you're still enjoying the story and thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I've never read a story from Moody's prospective before, very different for me and I liked that. I think you got into Moody's head very well, I especially looved the bits in brackets that felt like they were reminders of Auror training and maybe things he'd learn from experience, too. It all seemed to fit with his personality, I kept expecting him to say "constant vigilance" any moment. :P
Very exciting chapter, I really enjoyed reading this. I'll have to come back for more. :D
Sam.Author's Response: Hello!
Funnily enough, I've never read a story from Moody's perspective either- I wrote this story without any "research" of that kind. However, I did my best to get inside his head and I'm glad that you think it worked out well.
Writing this piece was a fun challenge because, as you said, I had to work with his unusual personality. The "Auror tidbits" were one of my favourite ways of doing so. :)
Thank you for reviewing and I'm very glad that you enjoyed this chapter! Report Review
Okay, I love this. I was NOT excepted you to give us a glimpse into Alastor's childhood, but I could hug you for it! Not many people would attempt writing this man as a child, and not only did you do that but you managed to de-age him believable. He's not this amazing tough child who, you know, has a wood leg. He's a boy who wasn't ever given the chance to develop any *real* friendships, but was still taught right and wrong, good and bad. You've painted the perfect picture of the man he will one day be.
I can absolutely believe that the child you have in this section can grow up to be the Auror that puts others before himself, hunts down people like a machine, but then doesn't kill whenever it's avoidable. I am just really, really impressed with you right now.
The part about feeling like he relived it before, I'm wondering if Crouch is forcing memories to play? Or if it's happening by itself? Or if you are just giving us glimpses into his past? Very curious, you sneaky author, you.
I'm also wondering exactly what an auror of the sorts is? Like... instead of just working for Britain, maybe he works for all the wizarding prime minsters/presidents and and.. I don't know. I'm inventing stuff in my head. Sorry, but you just create these very curious characters and I want to dissect them! That was a complement, btw ;).
This was another very, very captivating chapter. I am so excited to see where you take us from here!
Oh and the beginning! So creepy. The go back to sleep part specifically. It gave me spine chills.Author's Response: Hello! Let me just say that this review put a huge smile on my face! Thank you!
Haha- I guess the jump into childhood was unprecedented... But when I was originally planning the story it was one of the scenes that stayed throughout. How could I tell the story of his life (or parts of it) without looking at his childhood? It's just not possible.
I'm so pleased that you think I deaged him believably. As I was writing this, I didn't even think of giving him a wooden leg or make him extremely paranoid... He couldn't be the exact same as his adult self or else he wouldn't be a child. And I'm so glad that I picked a realistic way to portray him as a child. *hugs*
If you don't mind, I'll attempt to answer your question(s). It's a mixture of your last two suggestions; as the summary suggests, I thought that his mind wouldn't be idle during his eight-month long slumber because that just isn't the type of man he is. It's chosen to replay some of his memories for reason that you will learn in the last chapter... :D
Ah- by Auror of sorts I meant that he was more of a spy than an Auror. He was the one who went into dangerous situations that were just beginning and collected information on them (like an undercover spy).
Thank you so much for this amazing review. I'm so, so, so, so (enough so's? :D) happy that you enjoyed this chapter. Report Review
Hi darling! I hope you don't mind me choosing this to review. But considering I've already actually read all the current Pansy chapters, and now am just back tracking to review, I feel like it would be cheating :P
Anyway! I am also a bit of a Moody freak. I LOVE him in this. Everything from the way he has his bedroom set up so that he's most prepared for an attack, to his ability to analyze a situation while still remaining alert. I don't remember from canon, but the powder is the Weasley's Peruvian stuff, right RIGHT? Sorry, got a bit excited there.
It's always seemed to unreal to me that this weak, shell of a man was able to defeat Alastor Moody, so I'm really happy that you gave him a solid fight. But the second the darkness took over, I started yelling at him to apparate. Of course he's probably set up wards against that so not even he can... ugh. Come on Mad Eye.
I think you absolutely gave him the fight he deserved, and the difference between your writing in this and Pansy was so crazy! Not the skill of course, you're a wonderful writer, just the style.
You did something very clever too, you made this tense without making it frighting. Which feels exactly right, because Mad Eye wouldn't be frightened. Just focused. And that came across beautifully in this.
This was a really awesome first chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next. Uh oh, now I'm hooked on two of your stories, you naughty author! ;)
♥ JamiAuthor's Response: No, I most certainly do not mind! And wow- you've read all of the current Pansy chapters? All 25? Wow! (Though I suppose you can't respond to this so any questions I ask won't be answered... Oh well)
I'm so, so, so happy that you like this story as well! Moody is a very interesting character to write and I'm glad that you liked him in this. And yes, you're correct. The powder is Peruvian Darkness powder (or whatever it's called, exactly).
I'm glad that you enjoyed the fight/thought it was well-written. When I first started writing my first thoughts were about Moody awakening in the middle of the night. It was only later that I realized just how difficult it was to write a believable scene where Moody was taken down while awake. He is, after all, a fabulous Auror. The Peruvian Powder was my answer to the problem and I'm glad that it worked out so well! :D
I'm glad that the feeling was right in this chapter. I actually find writing action very difficult because I find it hard to balance between the level of description I want to include and the feeling that I need to rush through everything so that it feels like proper action.
Haha- I would say sorry but I'm too busy smiling to say anything! Whoops! Report Review
Hello, there, and happy holidays! This is your holiday review extravaganza swap thingee review. Also, this is my chance to get back to this story because I haven't been very good about keeping up. I hope you find it helpful.
I still really like what you're doing with the imagery around Moody attempting to resist whatever spells Barty Crouch and Wormtail are using to control him. The metaphor of being buffeted by ocean waves until he's finally swept under and falls back asleep was a really great way to characterize the struggle. I found it easy to imagine. I'm really interested to see if and how he's able to break free of Crouch's control.
For the first time -- at least I think it was the first time -- there seemed to be a "glitch in the Matrix", so to speak, when his mind enters his memories of the past. It's as though he can't quite get over the discontinuity between leaving Dumbledore's office en route to the Ministry to learn about his father's death and suddenly being in the Auror office with his prosthetic leg. Maybe their control over him is weakening. Yay for Moody!
All of the various personalities you introduced in the Auror office were nicely constructed and felt appropriate to the setting. Mirabelle reminded me of the slightly nosy neighbor that everybody who works in an office is probably familiar with. Although she did seem to be more helpful than the office snoops I've known. Breaking the Auror team up between field Aurors and research Aurors was also a clever idea. Finding dark wizards can't simply be an exercise of swashbuckling around in cool clothes, looking and sounding intimidating. Dark wizards don't post personal ads in the Daily Prophet announcing their plans for world domination and recruiting followers. There has to be a lot of painstaking work involved in hunting them down, and yours is one of the very few fics I've seen that makes reference to it.
During the class he teaches, I sort of wished that you hadn't cut off the dialog at the point where he's about to answer the question on how to know whether one had over-planned. It felt a bit abrupt and honestly I was sort of interested in his answer. Overall, I thought you could have injected more Moody-ness into the classroom scene. Maybe made him more brooding and snappy with the trainees.
The letter from Dumbledore was really interesting. First of all, it really sounded like Dumbledore! That is far from an easy thing to pull off. The sort of flowery yet pointed nature of his comments and observations was very well done. So this is where he's to be recruited into the first Order? I really hope we get to see that.
All in all, this was another solid entry into your story. Well written and engaging. I look forward to reading more. Happy holidays!Author's Response: Yes, I did find this review very helpful. I'm planning on doing a large revision of this story soon and I'm going to take into account all of the feedback I've received so far. Your critique will most definitely be included!
I'm glad that you're still enjoying the imagery around the Imperius curse. It's a description that I continue throughout the rest of the story, though I change it as more and more hiccups or glitches occur in the pattern. I do think that you're right in that this is the first chapter where there is a glitch in the Matrix - I can't quite remember myself too.
I'm glad that you liked the characters in the Auror office. They don't play a major part in the story but it's always a good idea to have good characters in every role, as I'm sure you know very well. :) I'm also glad that you liked the breakdown of the Auror office (and now I'm starting to sound like a broken record. My apologies). It definitely doesn't make sense that cases could be solved without research being done and I know that witches and wizards can't be good at everything. They have to specialize.
Ah- I see what you mean about that part. When I go back to revise, I'll be sure to work out the kinks in that section. Thanks!
I'm so pleased (ha- switched up the wording this time!) that the letter sounded like Dumbledore. I definitely agree that it's not an easy task to achieve. Unfortunately, you won't get to see the actual recruitment process of the Order... Instead, you'll get to see them in action. I hope that's just as good!
Thank you for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it and I hope you don't mind if I visit your review swap thread again soon! Report Review
When I read the title for this story, I immediately thought of that rom-com movie with Sandra Bullock. Then I started reading and realized that it was nothing like that movie and I WAS SO HAPPY BECAUSE THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT MOVIE COULD EVER BE. Seriously.
First of all, I love that you chose to write this about Mad-Eye Moody. I feel like there's so few fanfictions that focus on him - I've at least never read any - and I'm kind of amazed that it's never occurred to me to wonder how exactly he got captured, or what his earlier life was like. It really makes your story stand out, especially because you write Moody so well. He doesn't seem like a particularly easy character to pull off, but you do. Especially in the first chapter - his safety reminders and guidelines and just everything that he had thought about and planned for (the wand pointed away from him while he's sleeping, the secret back door, the rooms in the house flowing together instead of turning everything into a maze) made him very believable to me. I think J.K. Rowling would be proud.
But I think the greatest part of your Moody is that, in addition to using what Rowling has already told us about him, you've also made him your own character. I really enjoyed the childhood you came up with for him because I think it fits very well with his character. When I was reading, my brain kept going, "Of course he would have had a lonely childhood, of course his father would've been a Auror-Spy (which, by the way, totally brilliant!), of course his family would've traveled a lot" even when none of these things had ever occurred to me before reading this story. And that is what I consider really good characterization, so I have to applaud you for that.
Overall, I thought the writing in this was very good and the pacing was fine too. The only criticism I have for you is that sometimes your sentences are very long and go off into little tangents and it can be a bit confusing. For example:
- "One person, a woman who kept her black hair cropped close to her head and her robes trimmed even more snuggly to her body since she maintained that leaving them flapping the wind was a death wish, barked something other than a greeting." While I appreciate the vivid picture you paint of Mirabelle, the detail about why her robes are trimmed so snuggly to her body does seem a little unrelated to this story at this time. If it is related and I just don't see it yet, then it might be better to include that detail in a different way. Maybe it's just a personal preference thing, but this just seems like one really long appositive. It is, of course, your prerogative as a writer to keep it the way it is, so if you see no problem with it then don't listen to silly old me :)
In addition, a lot of times while I was reading, I felt that the details Moody was providing were a little unnecessary, or they could've been given to the reader in a smoother way. For example, both uses of the parentheses here: "Gathering the few supplies he needed (Auror training was generally hands-on, in which case the equipment needed was already in the exercise room, or just lecturing. In that case the trainees were expected to provide their own parchment and paper), he once again walked through the desks to reach the trainee room located just outside the actual department. Walking through the unlocked door (the trainees were welcome to arrive early), Alastor placed the attendance on the available desk at the front of the room and flicked his wand so that the title of the lesson was written in big, bold letters across the chalkboard". It just seems like a lot of irrelevant details to cram together into a couple sentences and it was a little tedious to read.
Sorry if any of my criticism offends you, because that's definitely not my intention at all! I genuinely enjoyed this story and that's actually the only criticism I have for you. Otherwise, I found this remarkably well-written and I think you've done an excellent job so far building up my interest in the story.
And, since this challenge is all about the Perks of Being a Wallflower quote, I suppose I should mention that the way you used it worked very well. It was slipped quite effortlessly into the dialogue, so that I actually didn't even notice that was the quote until I saw the little asterisk after. I may be reading too far into this, but when I read that quote I thought that there was a certain irony in Moody saying it - like maybe he had been trying to- hard to control everything in life. If that is what you were going for, that's a very interesting approach and I hope you'll touch on that more later in the story. And if not, you still used the quote wonderfully (:
I feel like I should gush a bit more to make up for my delay in reading and reviewing this (sorry!), but I honestly can't think of anything else to say. This is really, truly brilliant and I hope more people find out about it because it's not getting anywhere near the praise it deserves. Thank you for entering my challenge and giving me the pleasure of reading and reviewing this, and I hope you enjoyed writing it.
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: Wow- thank you so much for this massive review! And haha- this story is definitely NOT a rom-com. :) I'm so very very glad that you enjoyed it!
Yes, there aren't many stories about Moody, are there? I've seen ones where he's mentioned or where he has a minor role but never one where he's the main character. To tell you the truth, I hadn't thought much about how he was captured or what his early life was like until I started writing this story- which I got the idea from as I was trying to find an idea and character that would fit the quote. I'm so very very glad that you think that I did a good job with his characterization! He's definitely an interesting person to write, since he has a very definite manner that can easily become a stepping stone for humour.
I'm glad that you liked the history I gave Moody. It was very interesting deciding what moments to include in the story and what his life might have been like, to produce such a notable individual. A few of the incidents were canon, others were taken from knowledge about his life and the earliest ones were just guesses at his life. I'm glad that they all worked.
Thank you for pointing out those problems. I guess I do have a tendency to go on little tangents within my sentences, which is definitely a problem... I have to learn how to incorporate those ideas into other sentences instead of fitting them inside the ones already there... And your criticism definitely didn't offend me! One always needs these things pointed out if they want to improve at all!
I'm so glad that you liked how I worked in the quote. I actually built the whole story around it, so it's great to hear that it fit in just fine.
Thank you once again for leaving such a brilliant review! It's not a problem at all about the "lateness" of it- I completely understand about real life completely taking over your life. :) I definitely enjoyed writing this and exploring Moody's character so thank YOU for creating this challenge! Without it I probably would never have written this story. Report Review
Hello, again! You're getting your chapters out at a prolific rate lately. It's put me rather behind. So without further ado...
You did a good job of advancing the timeline since the last chapter without coming right out and smacking the reader upside the head with it. Alastor's observations on his own growth and the relative awkwardness of his teenage proportions set the stage well.
I really liked the way that he breaks down Professor Trout's character and analyzes her motivations and tactics. The details you provide for her fit very nicely with his analysis, from the physical to the behavioral. The lessons that he has taken from his father, combined with his own observant and analytical nature, show through really well in the early part of the chapter.
His intuition also comes through really clearly. As soon as she begins to move, we can feel the bad news coming.
It was sort of interesting that he seems to avoid dealing with the situation for a while. The way he waits in his seat and then slowly packs up his things, followed by taking a lengthy route to Dumbledore's office, seemed a bit at odds with the very methodical, efficient Moody of later years. I'm curious as to what you had in mind with this. Showing us that he was still a work in progress?
The small observation about Dumbledore's candies really jumped out at me for some reason. It's such a small thing, yet Alastor seizes on it and uses it to draw inferences about his head of house. It was a nice little detail to work in.
One thing I felt rather curious about that you didn't go into any depth on was how Moody thinks of Dumbledore at this point. Since the two of them will work very closely together in later years, I felt really interested in getting your perspective on their early relationship and interactions.
Such a terrible thing, learning that his father had been killed. There's just no doubt that an event like this would make a huge impact on a young man. The fact that he didn't seem well prepared for the news -- he knew that it was likely, yet he had a hard time accepting it, anyway -- is certainly something that his analytical mind is going to seize on and make corrections.
Overall, this chapter advanced the story nicely and filled in another part of the picture for Moody's young life.
I did notice a couple of things you might want to take another look at:
-- "As recent as a few years ago, he would brag to his mum..." - recently?
-- "And though his father couldnít update him on the details of his current case (they had moved again shortly after Alastor had received his letter from Hogwarts and the case was now very close to its burning point) since a single letter taken and read before it reached Alastor could be the end of progress oróas much as Alastor hated to think about itóhis life." - I think this sentence is missing its conclusion. Using the word "though" in this way implies that you're drawing some sort of contrast between two concepts, and this sentence only has the first.
Overall, you have a very enjoyable story going on here. I'll see whether I can't get caught up soon...Author's Response: Once again I apologize for taking so long to respond to your review. I really do appreciate the time you take to read and review these stories!
I'm glad that you thought that the jump in time wasn't too bad since the story does have several jumps in time as we see significant moments in his life. This story is kind of a drive-by look at his life. :)
It was certainly interesting to write his analysis of her since it gave me a chance to fully explore a very minor/secondary character while also exploring his mindset and motives.
Yes, I would say that that was why I had him be very slow in his progress toward Dumbledore's office. He's still young and while he's learned to be efficient and practical he still isn't able to put it into practice all the time. As I tried to show in the chapter, Moody suspects what Dumbledore will tell him and dreads the confirmation. He was very close with his father and wanted to avoid hearing the awful news... But he was also realistic and knew that not hearing the news wouldn't change what happened and that's why he still went to Dumbledore's office, even if it was by a roundabout route.
I definitely agree with you on your point about how it would be very interesting to see Moody's opinion on Dumbledore at this point in his life. I was originally going to put more in on this subject and then forgot... Oops. But I will definitely edit in some of his thoughts because it would be very interesting to see his thoughts on this matter.
Thanks for pointing out those typos/unfinished sentences. I do agree that that sentence is unfinished and I will fix it!
Thanks once again for reading and reviewing! I do have the next chapter ready to upload but I may wait a few more days before posting it... Report Review
Again, I really like the parts you've written at the beginning. It has a very natural and authentic flow to it! I have to admit that when I saw the summary, I thought you were going to write about what he actually experienced sitting inside that trunk for ten months. I thought it was going to be very angsty. :P It's neat to get a look back at his life.
I also liked how things we learned about him in the last chapter were included here, like the fact that he's not really interested in Quidditch. His inner monologue about all the things his father taught him provides a lot of insight into his character, too. Given that, his father's death is probably going to affect him really seriously.
The last line was really good. :) I'm not sure if it directly references something that's going to happen in the next chapter, or if it's a more general statement foreshadowing the fact that he becomes an Auror--but either way, it was a good note to end the chapter on!
Good work so far; keep it up!Author's Response: And you're back for the third chapter! Thank you so much for reviewing all of the chapters!
I'm glad that you liked the part at the beginning of the chapter again. That type of beginning will occur in almost all of the remaining chapters and I hope that it continues to feel natural.
Haha- that would certainly be an interesting story: what happens while he's locked inside a trunk for however-many months! I'm sure someone else could come up with a fabulous plot idea for that, though. I'm glad that you like where I chose to go with the story. It was very interesting for me to write and "explore" Moody's past.
I'm glad that you liked the inclusion of those things. I included them largely because I wanted there to be some continuity between the chapters, especially since there's such a large time gap inbetween them.
I'm also glad that you liked the last sentence. I added it just before I posted the chapter onto the Archive. I personally wrote it to reference his future career in the Ministry- the next chapter is going to include another jump in time.
Thank you once again for reviewing! I plan to have the next chapter up within a few days. Report Review
The opening part of this chapter, which I'm assuming was him under the Imperius Curse, was really great! I liked the slightly confused way you wrote it, because it really helped make it feel like I was inside his thoughts.
I kind of wanted to make one syntactical suggestion, just because I noticed it a few times in this chapter, and that's that I felt like it might read a little better if some of your sentences were shortened. As an example, this sentence: "Neither of the boys had noticed him standing there and the bully was too focused on the other boy to hear the crunch of gravel under Alastor's feet until Alastor was next to him and had shoved him." When I read that in my mind, I kind of feel a bit breathless by the end of it, and I think if you chopped it up into 2 or 3 sentences, it would be a little easier to read. It may also just be an issue of commas/half-stops, too (I think you probably need one after "there" and one after "feet"--usually before conjunctions like you have here), because those would provide a similar break in the reading. The words themselves are very good, so that was just one thing that I thought might be improved.
On a different note, I love your characterization! The details about Moody's childhood really seemed to fit, like I could see how they had moulded him into the adult Moody we see in the books. He seems like he would be a tough character to write, so good work! I also really like the personalities you've given to his parents.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing another chapter!
Yes, you're correct in that it's him under the Imperius curse. I'm glad that you liked the manner in which I wrote it- the slightly detached method with his bouncing thoughts was fun to write.
Thank you for pointing that out- I'll go back and see where I can shorten the sentences or split them in two. Not only would the shorter sentences help it sound better, it would probably also make the story sound more like Moody.
I'm very pleased that you continue to like my characterization! As I said before, I find that Moody can sometimes be difficult to capture (who knows how much paranoia is enough? Is too little?). I'm glad that the details of his childhood fit with the adult we know he became. That's an interesting aspect when you're writing the past of a character we already know because then you have to know enough about them to be able to judge how they would act when they were younger.
Thanks once again for reviewing! I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the chapter! Report Review
Hey! I saw your link in the status updates, and thought I would come read and review. I was intrigued, since you don't see too many stories about Moody--and then, when I saw the summary and realized it was about his life when he was imprisoned, I was even more curious.
I liked all the tension in this chapter, and my favourite part was probably the italicized and parenthesized (word?) sentences that contained all the Moody-isms, so to speak. You seem to have captured him very well. :) My only thought was that it felt like it was a bit long at times, like the tension and action was getting lost in some of the explanatory parts (although those were interesting). Very good opening chapter, though!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the surprise review! I really appreciate your comments.
I haven't seen too many stories about Moody either and none about his imprisonment (though it can definitely be difficult to create a story out of a man who's under the Imperius curse).
I'm glad that you liked the tension in the chapter as well as the Moody-isms. It's great to hear that you think that I captured him well since he's different from the characters I've written before.
Thanks for pointing that out! I don't find action scenes very easy to write since I always feel like it's lacking in description... I'll go back and see where I can shorten the description.
Once again, thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it! Report Review
This was a really interesting approach to dealing with the aftermath of Moody's capture by the Death Eaters. The title implies that what's going on in his mind is some sort of defense mechanism, which makes perfect sense. Crouch and Wormtail could be torturing him for information about his new job at Hogwarts. Or he could be under the Imperius Curse. Either way, his mind is acting to protect itself.
The fog that he's in at the start of the story reminded me a lot of the Imperius Curse. It's so much work for him to try to maintain a thought. His mind is fragmented and his thoughts are random, which would be like torture in and of itself to somebody like Moody. In the end, it's easier just to "go to sleep" than to fight for clarity and sanity. I thought this was really well written.
The childhood story felt like a defense mechanism. People often retreat into pleasant memories when they're subjected to mental anguish, or so I've read.
The story of young Alastor's life was nicely done and I thought it was a great back story for a man who becomes the prototype of what an Auror is supposed to be. His entire family is in a situation where they must be self-reliant and constantly use their wits to keep from blowing their cover. I loved his father's quote about luck and vigilance. It seems that the apple did not fall far from the tree!
The last line, about the sky, was a nice way to hint at what's really going on.
I noticed two things about this chapter that jumped out at me as worthy of a second look:
"The boy was most likely a muggle so Quidditch was out" - If Alastor is too young to attend Hogwarts and his family was always moving around, it seemed a little strange to me that he would have played much organized Quidditch. At a minimum, the game requires brooms and a large, open area. Not a big deal, but it seemed a little inconsistent.
"but he did no tag and hide-and-go-seek." - know
Overall, your writing was very good and the chapter flowed smoothly and was easy to read. I'm curious to see how Alastor makes his way back to reality.Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing again! I really appreciate it! And I'm glad that you like the path I've taken with the events after Moody's capture.
When re-reading parts of GoF as research for this story, it said that Moody was kept in the bottom compartment of his trunk under the Imperius for the months Crouch Jr was masquerading as him at Hogwarts. I'm so glad that the fog scene reminded you of the Imperius curse because that's the effect I was going for.
The childhood was as much of a defense mechanism as it was a way to pass the time. Moody is never idle, after all, and he will spend months under the Imperius.
I'm glad that you liked Alastor as a young child. I did my best to create a situation that would begin to mold him into the man he became. His father's line was one of my favourites to write- it's definitely fun as a writer of fanfiction to weave in little canon details into the character's past.
The last line definitely does hint about what's going on. Moody's trapped in his own mind, under the control of the Imperius curse.
Thank you for pointing those things out. When I wrote that he wasn't overly fond of Quidditch I was thinking that Quidditch seemed to be a pretty universal game among witches and wizards. They learn about it at a young age and start playing it soon after. In my mind, Alastor's father has been placed in Wizarding villages before and he's been introduced (and played) Quidditch there.
It will be a little bit before Alastor makes his way back to reality, unfortunately. He has monthes of being under the control of Crouch Jr to look forward to. Report Review
Heya! Perelandra from the forums with your review swap! :) Sorry it took a while...had to make dinner and whatnot.
'the specifics of the passing years had blurred in his memory, unnecessary information unless related to the solving of a crime'--That line reminded me of Sherlock. I have no idea if you've seen the show but I absolutely love it. It definitely gives us a new layer in Moody's mind. He's dedicated to his job and is willing to do anything to catch evil wizards. Including getting rid of useless information that is not relevant to dark magic and wizards.
Your Moody story is the first that I have read where he's the main character. The ones I've read usually have him as an extra and he's your typical crazy Auror. You definitely managed to capture his paranoia and the reasoning behind it. He's like a war veteran who has seen too much in his life and doesn't trust anyone. He's good at calculating his every move and is very precise about it.
I really like how poor Moody was bested by Peruvian Darkness Powder. That was what it was, right? It was so simple that he didn't even see it coming. However, it seemed to me that that was the only way they could've done it. There was no way Crouch Jr (fresh out of Azkaban) could've been able to take him down on a duel.
Speaking of Crouch, how come Moody didn't recognize him? Wasn't it him that help put him away? Or was it because Crouch was so wasted away that he failed to see the escaped man right in front of him.
Over all this was an interesting take. Your Moody seems to have a motive to his 'madness' and I enjoyed reading about it. Its fresh to see him in a serious role rather than the joke some people make him out to be.
The only tiny critique that I have is that sometimes, due to having little to no dialogue, it became a bit wordy. Imagery was great but sometimes it felt like you had a run-on sentence here and there. Nothing too drastic, really. But that's the only thing that popped out at me.
Thanks for the swap, Roots! I definitely enjoyed reading this. :)
--RosieAuthor's Response: Oh it's no problem about the wait! It took me long enough to actually respond to your review!
No, I haven't seen Sherlock but I've heard only good things about it. I think the line definitely does suit Moody- he's spent almost his whole life chasing and capturing Dark Wizards and he's survived this long by being careful and by being dedicated to his job. I do think that it would have taken over the majority of his life by this point.
I haven't read any Moody-centric stories either... But that just gives me more free reign, doesn't it? :) I'm glad that you think that my Moody is not just crazy, or ridiculous. For me, he's a person who's survived years of dangerous work by being so paranoid and careful.
Yes, it was Peruvian Darkness Powder. It was the simplest and best explanation I could come up with as to how Moody would have lost the fight. Because we know that he must be a good, strong fighter and a strategic thinker, due to his career in the Aurors.
My thoughts as to why Moody didn't recognize Crouch fall into two lines of reasoning; the first being that it was dark in the house and Moody couldn't see much more than a figure (and, as you said, Crouch Jr would look different after years of being locked up) and the second being that Moody wasn't really focused on identifying who the intruder was but rather on defeating him. Identification was a second step for him.
Thank you for pointing that out. There isn't really a lot of opportunity for dialogue here because Moody is mostly by himself (and then he doesn't want to make noise). In the future chapters there is a lot more conversation because he interacts with more people.
Thanks once again for the review! I enjoyed reading your story as well- if you let me know when the next chapter is posted, I'll definitely come and review it! Report Review
Here from the Hufflepuff review tag, and I'm glad that I've had the chance to read this story. It covers a very curious incident in Moody's history - how an Auror of his experience could have been caught by a wizard not long out of Azkaban. For some reason, it's glossed over in the books, but that of course makes it perfect material for fanfiction. :D
What I like most about this story is how you portrayed Moody. You enter his thought process in an extraordinary way, capturing his paranoia, not as "madness", but as a sort of obsessive care. He overthinks everything to the furthest extreme, always seeing the world as a battlefield and always seeing the potential for danger. It's why he survived as long as he did, not to mention why he was so successful, yet it still had me giggling during the first half of this chapter. It was funny because I know people who think this way, and you captured it very realistically, taking Moody seriously rather than resorting to caricature as JKR sometimes does. (But there were actual humourous moments too, perfectly executed, such as Moody's thoughts of blasting holes through the wall to escape. :P)
There were a couple of places where the narration was on the wordy side, the syntax overly formal when something simpler would suffice (and still suit Moody's way of thinking). For example: He cast a spell on the door that would alert him to any movement near to it would sound smoother as "any nearby movement", especially since the next clause begins with "sealed it" - the repetition of "it" as you have it jars the flow. In another case you somewhat repeated yourself by adding for there was no possible way for the intruder to sneak around behind him to a sentence when the previous sentence had already explained it clearly enough.
Those were the two issues that stood out most to me when reading. Otherwise, I very much enjoyed this look into a missing moment of the books. Stories about Moody are difficult to find, and you did a wonderful job with his characterization. I look forward to seeing what you do next with this story! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I never really thought about how Moody was able to be captured until I had the idea for this story and decided that that was where I was going to start it. And then I had a lot of trouble figuring out a plausible way in which he could have been felled.
I'm so happy that you liked how I portrayed Moody and that you think that I did it realistically. I didn't want to write about him as a "joke"- I wanted to capture him in a more serious manner because this is a story centered around him.
Thank you for pointing those out! I will definitely go back and fix those sentences.
Thank you once again for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate your comments! Report Review
From the outset, I loved your portrayal of Moody. Everything about him is so structured, so methodical, so calculating and analytical. He assesses every dimension of his situation, considers every bit of evidence -- right down to the weather -- and draws conclusions. And all of this is before he's even sure that he's being attacked!
Your description of the action in this chapter was gripping, even though you built it all up fairly slowly. Part of that, I think, is that we know how it's supposed to end. But you also did a great job of pacing the delivery of information. We learn new things as Moody learns new things and you take us through the thought process that leads to each discovery.
The way you described his house and his progress through it made it very easy to visualize in my mind. His methodical approach to moving through the space and stalking the intruder added to both the suspense and the sense of being there. You worked in so many little details, like the layout of the rooms, the way he organizes his furniture, right down to the way he secures his cutlery. It was brilliantly obsessive.
In terms of constructive criticism, I did think that some of your descriptions of the layout of the house felt contradictory. For instance, the way you described the rooms "flowing smoothly from one to the next" made me think of a very open floorplan, whereas you go on to clarify that each room actually only has one doorway. I'm not sure what you had in mind when you said that the house was "one continuous path", because to me that also suggests more of an open floorplan.
The idea of -- hmmnn, what would you call it? A "darkness grenade"? Anyway, whatever it was, it was cleverly done. A very plausible explanation for how Crouch, Jr. and Wormtail managed to get a jump on the legendary Auror.
So I'm curious to see where you're taking this. You've already shown Moody with a tremendous capacity to think, analyze and, well, obsess. I think I can see a lot of obsessing in his future...Author's Response: Hello and thanks so much for taking the time to read and review this story- it's what occupied my time this week so that I haven't had a chance to update "Wilted Flowers". I plan to do so very soon, however!
I'm so glad that you liked my portrayl of Moody- I was afraid that I wouldn't make him paranoid or strategic enough to fit the person we know from canon. However, his analysis of the scene did provide me with opportunities to describe everything, which I don't find as difficult to do. :)
As well, I'm very glad that you liked how I wrote the action. I find it difficult to strike the right balance between writing it condensely enough that it moves along quickly while also including enough description. This one was easier to write than most for me because it was mainly suspense as it built up to the actual attack... Which only lasted for a few minutes at most.
Thanks for those points about the layout of the house. It's one of those times where it would definitely just be easier to draw everything out (even though I'm not a very talented drawer). Lets see if I can explain it better now: what I meant was that each room connects only to the one before it and the one after it- a continuous path. I'll definitely go back and try to reword that section to make it clearer.
I'm glad that you liked the "darkness grenade"- it was the best situation I could come up with to explain how they were able to best Moody. The content of the darkness grenade is Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder- after all, Fred and George didn't make it, only imported it.
Haha- I'm glad to see that you're interested in this story. And the next chapter of the story goes not into the future, but into the past. :) Thanks once again for reviewing! I really appreciate it. Report Review
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