Aw poor Albus! I feel so bad for him! He feels so alone and thinks that nobody could possibly love him. I do wonder what happend that caused this whole thing between him, Fred, and Fred's girl. It sounds like she used to be Albus' so some how she ended up ditching him or Al ditching her so that she could be with Fred.
It's got to be hard to think that everyone has sided with Fred including the rest of their family, but I can imagine that in a huge family having two people like the same person could happen. I think that you have a very interesting and original idea going here. I like that life isn't looking so great for Albus right now and he is dealing with real life issues and not just everything is wonderful for him and his family since Voldemort is gone. I love the inclusion of Hannah in this, its just nice to see other minor characters being thrown in and mentioned!
I also like the relationship between the siblings. It seems like Lily and Albus are pretty close and that James really does try to help Albus but either his advice is a bit off or Albus doesn't want to be taking advice from his older brother. I'm excited to see more about the family dynamic. So far you have it so that Albus says that everyone has taken Freds side but I haven't really seen that so much. I mean I could catch a bit from Harry talking with Fred and can see how Al would feel betrayed that way. Great Job! I very much enjoyed this chapter and can't wait to see where it goes next and just how being back at Hogwarts will treat Al.
this is my 1000th review!Author's Response: Yep poor Albus, he just really needs a hug, if he liked anyone coming near him that is. But he does feel really alone, and it's mainly Leanne's fault sadly.
And yes you're right she did used to be Albus's girlfriend, but she left him, which you'll see soon enough.
The family are only seeming to side with Fred because not all of them know that Freds Leanne was Albus's Leanne. Albus is a very secretive person and doesn't like letting other people know things about him, he finds it hard to open up, so not even his family had ever met Leanne when she was going out with Albus.
Thank you for saying that my idea is original and interesting. I wanted to show that it's not always good having such a big family and that they're not all happy and cheery all the time.
Albus and James have a bit of a strained relationship, James tries to help but Albus doesn't want to listen to him. Whereas he would do anything for Lily, she's his favourite family member.
Albus sadly only see's them talking to her and he immediately assumes that they're taking Fred's side, but he hasn't told them why he's hating Fred at the moment and the situation, so sadly that's kinda his fault.
Thank you so much for your amazing review! I'm hoping to write the next chapter soon.
Oh wow! Congratulations on your 1000th review! I'm so honoured that it's on my story :D Report Review
Oh how sad! I really felt for Albus in this and hated what Fred and Leanne had done to hime.. thats just horrible! It makes it so much worse when one considers that now Albus has to watch Leanne on his cousin's arm at all the family get togethers and as we can see from this.. it really isn't going to be that easy for him to just forgive and forget. It also makes it worse that Fred was trying to comfort Albus after the break up and then for Albus to find out that the other guy she wanted was his own cousin! Thats like throwing salt onto an open wound! I really enjoyed this piece I thought it was well done and well written. There was one place towards the end where you used the word quickly twice in one sentence and I think it would work better if you replaced or got rid of one of them. That was the only spot that I found anything that seemed to break up the flow a little bit and didn't find any other mistakes so great job on that! Again I really enjoyed it and thought you did a wonderful job with his emotions! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad that you liked this and thought that it was well written that makes me really happy.
Whoops thanks for pointing that out, I shall go back and edit that out soon. Thank you once again :-D Report Review
aww thats so sad!! :'( to be perfectly honest, i dont like how Fred is portrayed, but this is heartwrenching!! :'( xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review, aw no Fred is just blinded by love and doesn't know what he's doing. I hope you continue reading once I put up the next chapter. xx Report Review
I decided to get on this review before everyone else submitted, so it wouldn't be rushed. I'm happy to see that my challenge pushed you to write this. That's why I made the challenge, so spark some inspiration and I'm glad I succeeded.
You are very good at descriptions and portraying emotions through words. I could feel Albus' hurt flood off the screen. I actually wrote a similar story about Albus being betrayed by James. The emotions at play were quite different and it's refreshing to see new characterizations of characters, especially next generation, because you have so much choice over their character.
It was very intense and I think you delved deep into Albus' hurt and pain.
Very good job and good luck :)
-AllieAuthor's Response: It really did, I had been thinking about it for ages and now I'm so glad that I wrote it. Thank you so much, Oh wow did you? I would be quite interested to read that if you have it up?
Once again thank you so much for the review and letting me take part in your challenge :-D Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection