Hey Jenny! This is the first story of yours which I've read and I thought it was really good! (Wist sent me)
Why did this have to end? You really described everything well, especially the sea and boat! As I guess other people have pointed out, you developed the character lots over not that many words, which is really good, as well as the emotions which you included.
The flashback stood out to me as one of this story's high points - you really developed the ideas you put across well so that it engaged the reader!
Awesome work! :D
~Jon Report Review
Hi, I'm here from the review battle!
I enjoyed this piece quite a bit, particularly your descriptions of the boat in the stormy sea. The roiling water seems to match Georgia's own troubled thoughts, and I imagine that her seasickness is caused as much by her memories and anxiety about Azkaban as it is by the storm.
You leave some mysteries up to the imagination, as well. At first I thought the unnamed man might be a boyfriend or husband, but then I also thought that he could be her father. That seems a better fit, because of this line: "The time is long gone where I can be won over with candyfloss and swings in the park." He could also be an older brother. I like that his identity is left ambiguous, so that readers can supply their own answers. :)
I noticed a minor typo: "I can't cope with the endless apologises..." I believe it should be "apologies." Otherwise, grammar, punctuation and spelling are very good.
Great job! Report Review
Wow, this was surely a powerful piece of writing. I loved this brief glimpse into a prisoner's mind as she is being taken to Azkaban.
The memory was very sad as it made me realize that what happened was an accident - she only cast the expelliarmus after all - and yet she is being imprisoned for it. I'd have liked to get more insight into her emotions and feelings she was experiencing at the moment though.
I loved your descriptions, it made an image of a stormy sea float in front my eyes. The ending was thoughtful too, I liked how Georgia wondered about the other prisoners and at the same time not being able to make up her mind whether what she did was right or wrong.
I don't have any CC for you except that I'd have liked this to be longer. Maybe I would have sympathized with Georgia more if we had seen more of her in the story. Her character was very vague to me and I didn't understand who she was and what kind of a persons she was entirely so it was hard for me to really feel her.
But apart from that, this was pretty good. Sometimes, the mood and the theme sets the story enough that you don't need character development xD
Great work! 9/10
(AditiDraco95) Report Review
This is such a daunting story - it stays with you long after you've read it. I had to read it twice because it was so good!
The delivery of the punching lines is so merciless it really captivates the reader. The description of Azkaban is so eerie, and the whole story has this spooky unpredictable theme that makes it so gripping.
The whole title and description is very clever - it leaves you totally unprepared and having a lot of questions - it still leaves you lingering at the end too, I suppose, and the bleak blunt style you've written this in makes it so memorable.
The character you've managed to develop over very little words, which makes it so remarkable. At first we like Georgie, and then it turns around for her to murder her dad (by purpose we are not sure) and our opinion is changed so deftly. The description in the flash back is harrowing, with such powerful emotive language it wants me to start crying next to her. It also makes us question the crime and punishment system.
This chapter is brilliant, haunting and gripping - however it could be a little bit longer - but that's just me being selfish because I want more of it! :) Report Review
Wow, this was heavy.
I always find it amazing when I come across someone here who can take a really sensitive topic and write it with maturity and realism, which you've definitely done. I think that the flashback was the strongest point of the story, because it was the longest, the most descriptive, and the most emotionally engaging.
I think you could have done a bit more with the ending. You got me thinking about the whole Azkaban thing, because it doesn't make sense to me that a case like this would land somebody there. But we've never heard of another place for people to go. It sort of brings up the question of justice and whatnot in the wizarding world, and I would have loved to have seen a bit of discussion of that. Then again, maybe that's not what on Georgie's mind at the moment. Some more detail about how Georgie's coping with the guilt and sadness would bring the story to the next level.
Faux Report Review
Hello there :)
This was a very powerful piece! I wasn't sure what exactly I was going to be reading because the summary meant it could have been either prisoner or visitor, but I really liked the mystery behind it. It added some nice suspense :)
I felt so bad for Georgia... The poor girl was being sent to Azkaban for something she didn't mean to do (or at least I don't think she did) and had her life ruined because of a super quick impulse. If I was in her situation, I would probably do the same thing. I bet she was terrified of her dad physically and emotionally and just wanted to keep him as far away as possible.
I really liked your descriptions in here, especially the ones about the boat ride and the passengers. I could never imagine having to ride in a boat in the middle of the freezing sea knowing the impending horror your life is going to be. The fact that she announced to no one in particular that she was seasick really made me sad for her. No one on that boat cared about her in the slightest and she basically had no one left. She's going to be all alone in Azkaban for something she probably didn't even mean for to happen. :/
On a side note, it was nice to read a story where you had literally no background information of the characters. The readers get to decide for themselves what Georgia and her father look like, what their relationship was, where her mother is, and so on. Then they also get to think about things later on in the story like what happened during her trial, how long and hard it's going to be for Georgia in Azkaban, and most of all get to decide for themselves if she should really be going there or not. I know I feel bad for her and don't really think she should be going, but that's just me. I know she killed her father, but she was also protecting herself.
anyways, great story! Really got me thinking about self defense and those kinds of things and how hard it must be for people to be in Georgia's situation.
-Amanda Report Review
Ooh, now that first line! It’s so good, because it instantly made me ask, ‘so, who is this? A visitor or a prisoner?’. And in fact, that question remains unanswered for longer than I thought, because it’s possible that it could have been her father in Azkaban. I do love a bit of intrigue, so the first couple of lines really pulled me in straight away.
Personally, I found this story so tragic. She may have felt a moment of wanting to kill him - fury and fear do that, it’s animal and instinctive - but I really think she didn’t mean to. She just wanted him to be away from her, to not be drunk any more, to stop hurting her emotionally (I don’t know how much anything physical is implied here, and really the emotional exhaustion of dealing with an alcoholic loved one is torture enough).
It's also tragic, I think, in terms of her father's life. You mention his schoolbooks, which made me think of a young man at Hogwarts, with his whole life ahead of him. And the drink takes over, and it absolutely does not turn out the way I'm sure he expected. That's sad, even if he was a bad father.
The imagery in this was fantastic, and you took so few words to conjure this scene in my mind. Well done! You also brought all of the senses into this emotional piece of writing, so even though we’re going through something traumatic with Georgia, we’re also aware of the sights and sounds and smells of the world around her. And the sea spray, too. I liked that image. The bottle tapping up the banister was eerier and more menacing than anything more explicit.
Your use of language is really excellent. ‘Ragged yell’ was a really interesting turn of phrase, I found it innovative.
And now, Georgia’s anger has nowhere else to turn. No wonder she’s furious. He’s really ruined her life, once and for all.
The one bit of CC I have is that I was a little confused at first, about who the main character was. I always forget to look at the character listings, so didn’t realise this was an OC to begin with. The fact that her name was initially given to us as ‘Georgie’ made me wonder if this was a male character, and if it was in fact meant to be George Weasley! I realised quickly that it wasn’t, of course.
Other than that, this story is really brilliant. I can’t say I enjoyed it, as it’s not that sort of story, but it’s an excellent and emotive piece, which really struck a chord with me.
You should definitely have a go at writing more dark/horror - I think you have an untapped talent! Report Review
Wow...now this was a powerful story. Not only because of the themes that you chose to write about (domestic violence if I caught it well and murder) but also the way you wrote about it, without going into too much detail. I know it's mostly due to the site's regulations that many authors don't go deeper into these kind of problems but if it's one thing that HPFF has taught me is that showing less can have a bigger impact on the reader. Not offering the whole image, but giving just enough for us to form our own ideas is a great, great way to capture an audience. So in regards to that kudos for this story!
I liked that you chose an OC and that you gave her a voice of her own. What I was most impressed is that even in less than 1000 words and with only one scene you managed to give her depth and personality which is amazing if you ask me! Her determination to finally break the chain that attached her to this man who continually drinks and breaks her dreams and his promises to her, her strength to finally stand up to him is empowering. I've witnessed situations like this and it takes a great deal of courage to say the final "no". It's a delicate subject and I sincerely commend you for capturing it's essence and sending a positive feedback in such a short story :) Report Review
I really love the way this is presented and, although short, it is engaging and completely fabulous. I adore the way you have made Georgia an innocent victim, it's kind of like they're putting innocent people in askaban instead of finding really vicious killers. The whole boat journey reminds me of the river Nyx in greek mythology, the whole thing where you have to take a boat to get to hell or the underworld. Overall, a sad and agrivating story that really makes you kind of angry at the world, which I don't knoww if that was your desired effect but...yeah... Love it Jen!Author's Response: Wow, Maz, this is deep. And also very cool. I will tell everyone now that I tried to make it like Greek mythology. :D
Georgia's innocence was intentionally supposed to be vague/confusing, but I'm glad you thought she was innocent, because I kinda think she is too :)
Thanks for reviewing, Mazzie xD Report Review
Happy late birthday from all your Gryffies!!!
This was a wonderful piece, the emotion charging through it kept my eyes completely glued. The idea of the death. Simply an accident, her just wanting to get her drink father away and it went too far, is so heart breaking and tragic. I'm not sure of she meant to kill him, or how she feels about it now that it's done, but it was such a wonderfully crafted piece.
The imagery revolving around the lake and rocking boat, the smell of the muggle bar and Georgia's ideas of what her father looked like standing outside the door.. It was all so powerful.
The father is a wizard because she has his old book, I'm wondering if they're both completely OC's or if you have an idea of who he is?
This was a wonderfully written piece, very chilling but absolutely addicting!!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm so glad you liked my one-shot, I don't usually write stuff like this, so I was in pretty much uncharted waters :P
I'm glad you're not sure of Georgia's motives, as I'm not either. I wanted to make questionable morality, so yaaay!
I'm so happy you liked my piece, and thanks so much for the birthday review! :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I think you did a good job developing your OC enough for this short piece, and I like the sense of ambiguous morality that you've written about. I could tell that Georgia felt afraid about what was to come, and it was difficult for me to tell whether she was actually regretful about her crime or if she was more filled with anger - which one was churning her gut, you know? I like how you set up the metaphor of seasickness as an expression of Georgia's confusion about her crime and dread at facing the punishment for it.
One critique I had is that I'm not sure why you chose the disarming spell. Given that it's supposed to bring someone else's wand to you, I don't know exactly what it would do to a Muggle. I think Stupefy might have been a better choice there. I also would have liked to read a little more about how she got into this position - it sounds like her spell was sort of accidental and not intended to kill. Is she arriving at Azkaban after several convoluted trials? How long is her sentence? I'm still curious.
I think my favorite thing about this piece is the imagery. Personally, I find that imagery shines best in emotionally-charged and brief pieces like this one, and yours is no exception. For example, I liked how you described the body at the end of the memory and the wind in the present time. I really got a sense of the foreboding atmosphere and felt like I could understand your OC's fear quite well. I didn't spot any major technical errors, so that's good, and I think the flow was pretty good as well.
Good work! I don't tend to give "brutally honest" reviews, so hopefully this was helpful to you :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reviewing :)
I'm glad you liked Georgia and the morality- to be honest, I'm not sure if what she did was right or wrong- and she's flicking between regret and anger as well.
The Disarming spell was a reflex, something she just did on the spur of the moment- and it has been known to 'knock someone back'- for example in PoA, so I used the spell like that.
Thank you so much for review, you have really helped :D
- Jenny Report Review
Hi! This is Dizzy, a reguler reader and reviwer of your other story, Honour Among Thieves.
I really need to tell to tell you that I loved the tone of this story. It was omnious, and sad as well, but what really struck me were the words in the end. However, I would've loved it if you could've made it a little longer. What can I say, I really love your writing… it makes me lose my mind.
Awesome banner, btw, and as usual, great job.
Waiting eagerly for an update of HAT,
P.S. So, I know this classifies as shameless self-advertising, but I would love it if you could check out my new story, Antagonist. Its my first, and somewhat inspired by the dark, criminal-ly tone of HAT. I would be grateful to know your views and opinions on it, so plz, do give it a glancez!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for popping over and reading something else of mine :)
The banner actually inspired the story, as it was for a challenge over at the forums, and thanks so much for the review, I'm really happy you like my story.
PS. It was a lovely story, well done :) Report Review
"I was always was awful at Charms," I believe this should loose the word was.
Okay, My very honest review.
In all honesty, I really like your character. She felt real to me, while at the same time, I feel like there's so much potential for her. It's like I got a glimpse at the tip of the ice berg and I know there's so much more there and I want to know what it is.
This story feels like the first chapter, or prelog to a really good novel. Not sure if that's where you want to take it, but it really feels like it needs more to be told. What's Georgie's history with her father? When did it go bad? Will anyone come to her rescue? There's a lot of potential for this story, and I'd love to read more.
You've got a great start, and you've done a good job at starting the fleshing out of your character, just keep it going!
I hope this has helped!
Diamond 8/10Author's Response: Thanks so much! :)
I intended to only give a short glimpse, so whether I develop Georgia into something more- well, I'm not sure. You've set the cogs turning though, and I'm kind of leaning more towards that now... I'm glad you liked her, anyway! (and I'll get rid of one of the 'was')
Thank you very much for your review. Report Review
This is definitely different than anything I've ever read before. Azkaban has definitely been explained before but I've never seen it through the eyes of a prisoner explained in this way. It was very spooky but in a really cool mysterious sort of way.
In the girl's (I assume it was a girl) flashback it says that she said Expelliarmus and it killed the guy the way that Avada Kedavra does. How did that happen?
Other than that, I had no questions and I thought it was really interesting.
Good job, 10/10
-jessAuthor's Response: Hey! I was trying to make it as original as possible, so naturally I had to make my character (yes, Georgia is a girl :P) the prisoner.
In her flashback, she doesn't directly kill him with Expelliarmus- the spell knocks him back and he dies from his fall down the stairs. I didn't want to make the story too graphic, so I'm sorry it wasn't so clear- I will try and edit it a bit now.
Thanks so much for the review! :)
Oh - I love this, Jen! :)
It's just creepy from the start - sort of the perfect portrayal of travelling to Azkaban. They're not mad yet, but they each have a good idea of what's coming for them. I love your story summary, it glued me in immediately and put me in the right mind-frame to read it.
I don't know how you manage it in such a small extract - but you really made me be on Georgia's side. She's the murderer... but I'm supporting her - THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! I don't need to know who she is, or who he is - they're just faceless with no details, yet are still strong characters that stay with you.
Brilliant, Jen! 10/10
Keira :DAuthor's Response: Thank you Keira!
I'm so glad you liked this, and the story summaries are always hard to get right. I'm glad you're on Georgia's side, I wanted to get the story to have a little questionable morality, so yay! :) Faceless with no details- that's a beautiful way of saying it. Thanks!
Thanks so much for the review, Keira-lady! :) Report Review
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