It's hard to know where to start with this review, because I had to read this one-shot through about four times to get the full impact of it and see how brilliantly crafted it actually is. You've also managed to make me cry (admittedly, I cry very easily at stories and films, but it doesn't happen that often when I read fanfiction!)
So, first of all, I love the "Ashes, Ashes they all fall down" part in the summary. I know that's not really officially a part of the story but I couldn't resist it when I saw it on your Author's Page, and it really got the sense of devestation and ending that this story signifies across well before I'd even read it. And of course, I noticed that this one-shot was a Marauders era as well, and then I really couldn't resist it - I always think that the Marauders era is so difficult to write really well, but you're definitely one of (if not) the best Maruaders writers on this site at the moment.
Peter's note at the beginning was really interesting. There's an undercurrent of desperation there that I can understand; Peter had chosen his side, but with it he'd also handed his best friends straight over to Voldemort and sentenced them to death. I think (or hope!) that he must have felt some remorse after the event, when he truly realised what he'd done. It also demonstrated how much of a coward he really is - as though he's hoping that Sirius will forgive him instantly if something's gone wrong with it, and offer him protection against Voldemort. He's really out to save his own skin, and it's like he's trying to make sure he has somewhere to go whatever happens.
Then the way that Sirius takes to the skies on his bike, trying to get to Lily and James and find them, wanting to protect them but at the same time having that horrible subconscious knowledge that there's nothing that he can do, because his best friends are already dead. You communicate his sense of desperation and utter despair brilliantly as he races towards the Potters' house.
The description and imagery were beautiful as well. I love reading it all, and the way that you interspersed it with Sirius' thoughts in italics was so effective. The fact that his thoughts are so short and sharp emphasises the despair he's experiencing and the desperation to find them all safe. It must have been absolutely awful for him to know what had happened to his best friends and their son.
His thoughts about Harry were so sweet and powerful. I've always thought that he loved Harry so much - like a son, almost - but never really knew how to communicate that love after years in Azkaban. And then the feelings of guilt, when he realises that he was the one who suggested Peter, and that makes him the one indirectly responsible for his best friends' deaths; I get the impression that he was almost happy to receive the punishment of going to Azkaban after what had happened. Perhaps later on he would regret that, but at the time I think it might have even come as a relief.
I wish I could offer some CC here, but this is just so perfect and moving. It was a really short story, but so powerful despite (or perhaps because of) that. I feel like it would have been really easy (and probably quite tempting) to run into lots of detail about this moment, but at the same time I think it's the simplicity that makes this story so haunting and poignant. And I'm going to stop rambling now, because I'm sure you're bored of me already...Well done!
Sian :) Report Review
wow. that actually gave me chills. you're a great writer, and the way you wrote sirius (who btw is my favorite character), was incredible.
~MAuthor's Response: You're spoiling me!! Sirius is definitely one of my favorite characters too! He's so awesome to explore, and one of my very favorite parts about writing a Marauders era novel!
I'm so happy you liked this ♥ And also, I forgot to say in my last response, I love your penname!
Thanks again for stopping by ♥ Jami Report Review
OMG. Sirius is my favourite character of all time, and reading stuff like this just breaks my heart - but your story did it in a really good way!
For me, writing a good story in 500 words would be near-impossible, so I'm always uber-impressed when I see it done so well.
I think you really captured the essence of Sirius in this one. So often, we just see the teenage boy side of him, and of course later on, the effects of Azkaban mar his soul. But here, you show a very important part of him, I think. The depth of his love, the force of his loneliness, just how scared he really is. I think this portrayal is an excellent in-between for the charming rebel and the grief-mad Sirius who subsequently ends up in Azkaban.
And excellent story!Author's Response: I'm so happy that you think I portrayed Sirius well in this ♥ I think these few hours will always be the most heart breaking thing about the entire HP series. We know from canon that Sirius went to check on Peter and got worried when he wasn't there. Those few moments, racing to the Potter, just hoping that every feeling inside you is wrong.. seeing his dead best friends.. gah. It's just so much for one person to try and handle, and I always just want to give him a big hug when I think about this whole Halloween night.
Thank you so much for your lovely review, sorry for my rambly response, haha! Report Review
Jamie, this was amazing! Seriously, I have no idea why I haven't read it before.
It was so short but you packed so much emotion into it. I guess when you read the books and you find out that he was their friend and he betrayed them, you just don't look so much into it, because so much stuff happens and you just want to take it all in.
But once you think of it... I'm just trying to imagine how I would feel if something like that happened to my best friends and I feel like crying so I won't think about it.
Back to you now, darling. As far as Sirius stories about that Halloween night go, this was perfection. *sigh*
RalAuthor's Response: Sorry this has taken so long to respond to! I'm currently out of town visiting family and verrry busy. I am so happy you liked this. This night, when Sirius found out what happened and showed up to the Potters and ugh. It's all just so sad.
Your reviews always make me so happy, you have no idea how much they mean to me ♥ Report Review
Oh I thought this was great! Honestly I think that the length works for this oneshot very much as I completely understand the story and I feel that if you kept going it could end up getting to wordy! You did a great job getting the point across to your readers so they could understand exactly what was going on without you really having to spell it out for us. I loved the look into this moment from Sirius' pov as I've always wondered what he was thinking when he found out, how he knew they died, and how he knew where Peter was! I thought that this was a nice short and sweet oneshot that really captured Sirius during this time! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Sirius is such a heart breaking character for me :(. I feel like he could have done so much to avoid Azkaban, to prove his innocents... the only reason he didn't is because he really believed himself to be just as guilty as Peter (in my head). bah. Pooor Marauders :(.
I'm so happy you liked this though, and the length because I do worry about that! I just LOVE 500 word one shots, they're an awesome challenge!
Thank you for stopping by ♥ Report Review
I've read stories about Sirius finding out his world had crumbled many times. This one was definitely one of the most impressive, especially since it's been done in only 500 words. Your language truly amazes me in here.
coercing the bike to shoot a melody of vibrating war cries I love this piece of description. It paints the picture and sounds totally awesome and poetic.
Of course my heart just broke reading this, as it always does. This part of HP canon is something I'll never get over, even though it basically put down basis for the rest of the story. It's just unbelievably heartbreaking how James and Lily died and how Sirius' life was utterly destroyed. I also think it was great that at first, you showed Sirius doubting the fact that Peter would betray them, wondering it might be just a trap. And then as he was up in the sky rushing toward Godric's Hollow, and it was Peter who betrayed them, Peter he had suggested, and then Sirius. It was perfectly written and showed how Sirius truly blamed himself for the rest of his life.
He had never known the depths of his own emotions until Harry James Potter was born. His Godchild. His nephew. A creation of the two people he loved most.
Well thanks, Jami, now you made me weep all over my homework.
It's really great you managed to convey so much emotion in 500 words. Maybe it's not hard with a situation like this, because it's sad no matter how you write it, but your wonderful writing added so much to it. :)Author's Response: This piece was super sad for me to write because I know eventually there will come a time when it ties into Before They Fall part 2 *still unnamed, rawr* and bahh it's just too sad :( GIVE ME BACK MY MARAUDERS JKR!!
I have to believe that the only reason Sirius didn't fight harder to prove his innocence was because he really blamed himself for suggesting it be Peter and not him. There weren't enough hard facts, he could have easily showed that they were illegal animagi and pulled out the memory of when he told the Potters to choose Peter, then watch it in Dumbledore's pensive. There are just so many ways he could have avoided nearly half his life in jail, and he didn't even try. So I always feel like he must've thought he deserved it until seeing Peter in the picture pulled him out of it.
Thank you so much for all your amazing reviews ♥ I just want to put you in my pocket so when I feel like a crap writer, you can cheer me back up :P. Report Review
Hello! This is AditiDraco95 from the forums with your challenge review (I am reading and reviewing all the challenge entries before I judge them).
I have to say, this was a powerful piece of writing. In just a few words, you conveyed quite a lot. I liked your characterization of Sirius - his emotions were very tangible throughout the story. I liked the imagery you used - subtle yet effective. The ending was very fitting too, it leaves an impact on the reader. I loved your title absolutely as well!
Your narrative and flow worked well too and all in all, I liked reading this story. I liked how you worked with my challenge guidelines and created this story.
Best of luck for the challenge results, I shall notify you once I release them :)
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi Aditi!!!
I'm so happy you liked this, I was concerned about the length, but 500 word challenges always push me to really add a lot in to a little bit of room.
I just think that at this point Sirius was a wreck of a person, nothing about him was clear, and he just wanted to believe that they were alive.
Gah. Why did JKR take them from me?? WHY??
Okay, fan rant over.. thanks for such an awesome challenge ♥ Report Review
OK.. I actually have goose bumps from this one. So much emotion packed into so few words. It hits you like a cannon ball in the chest. And when Sirius sees the wreckage of the house, the reailty of what has happened, it's enough to bring you to tears.
Amazing work.. keep it up!
~Moon~Author's Response: Awww I was so happy to see you back!! I'm happy you felt the power to this story, because that's really what I wanted. Sirius was an absolute wreck at this point, trying so hard to convince himself it just wasn't true.
Thanks so much for both of your amazing reviews, darling. You seriously made my morning!!
♥ Report Review
wow. You know, I've never really thought of what Sirius would have been doing the night James and Lily died. I really think you've nailed it right here though.
You kind of breathe emotions into Sirius here, in the books we really only see a very limited range of Sirius' emotion, most of it being joy as he's out of Azkaban and gets to see Harry, we see some others in there as well, but nothings quite like this really.
One spot I noticed that could use some attention is this one:
'Maybe Peter was captured and the Death Eaters wanted to throw Sirius off their trail. Give them more time to torture out the truth from the boy he had been friends with for half his life.'
I don't feel like this should be two sentences, however together like that I think they'd make a bit of a run-on sentence. I would suggest rethinking the fragmenting of it. It's definitely one idea, so I would suggest bringing them into once sentence, however I also don't think a semi- colon would work there either...
You might have to do some rewording to reach the same image you wanted before, but I think it's definitely doable.
Also, this is something to contemplate as well:
'They’re alive! Goddamnit! They have to be!'
When I read this as it is technically written it doesn't really sound right. If I say it the way I would say it in this situation it's 'They're alive, goddamnit! They have to be!' also, goddamnit isn't really a sentence on it's own.
Just my two knuts there, hopefully you find them useful! Thanks for a good read, and great work! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the awesome review! I'll definitely play around with those sentence a bit, although I was pulling more for the choppy structure to match Sirius's erratic thoughts, but I'll see there's a way to achieve that without botching sentence structure too much.
Thanks again for this awesome review!!
Jami Report Review
Hi, it's Aether from the review tag.
This is a really dramatic piece. I feel that the details and description in this story really enhance the angst that Sirius feels. I think, for some reason, the part where you say that the "bitter cold gusts of air couldn't numb him forever" really solidified everything that Sirius was feeling.
I could really feel for him, especially when he pulled up to the house, even though I already knew what he'd find.
In the beginning of the one-shot I was a little confused about what was happening. I felt like one moment he was reading the parchment, and the next he was in the air. Maybe a transition would clear that up?
Either way, excellent one-shot!
AetherAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this wonderful review! This is such a heart breaking moment for me to think about! Hmm I will definitely look into adding more of a transition, though with the every word counts challenge it has to be exactly 500 words (apart from the AN) so I'll also have to see what I could remove..
Anyway, thank you so much for this wonderful review :)!!
Jami Report Review
Hi, I wandered over here from the review tag. I really like this story! You do a great job of capturing Sirius's emotions with just a few words.
I like the inclusion of little details like the "rubbery grip" and "vibrating war cries" of his motorcycle.
If I have one critique, it's that I didn't get that Sirius was reading a note at Peter's hiding place until I saw your author's note at the end. If you could add a sentence at the beginning to indicate his location then I think the story would be even better. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! I'll have to see if I can get that in anywhere, the 500 word challenge has to be exactly 500 words. So I'll have to cut something out.. Hmm I'll definitely look into it!
Thanks so much for your awesome review!!!
Jami Report Review
Oh, where do I start. Wait, I know. The beginning. (I'm an idiot. Sorry.)
I like the idea of Peter being the one to tell Sirius. It seems strange, you know, this guy writing him a note saying "oh yeah btw i ttly killed ur best mate", but there's a sort of desperation in Peter's words that I didn't really get until my third read and... well done on that, I suppose, though I dunno if you actually spent as long thinking about it as I did.
You've been having fun with the imagery, it seems. It's all burning words and too-black blacks and bitter-numbing winds and motorbike war cries and so on. It's all very beautiful and very immediate, and suddenly turned my world from a well-lit room on a nondescript night in August to terrifying, cold, grief-stricken Oct 31 1981. And I wasn't even alive then.
You could've written this fic as a poem, and that's a compliment, btw.
Although that said, 'His dark sweep of lashes were coated in hot, terrified tears' may have been a touch overdone. It came across as a little bit pretentious, almost. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, just that that line detracts slightly from an otherwise fantastic fic.
I especially like the contrast between all the imagery and emotion of the third person narrator with the immediate, human concerns of Sirius-in-italics. And now I'm sounding pretentious. [different expletive]
The placing the date at the end of the piece was a nice touch, too. It makes this moment seem like a historical event, a Pensieve memory they show to kids in History of Magic after the war.
I don't need to tell you that I loved this, do I?Author's Response: Oh goodness I spend hours thinking about that tiny, small note. We know from Canon that Sirius had went to check on Peter in his hiding place, and Peter wasn't there, which lead him flying to the Potters. So I wanted to bridge that gap and have him know that they were most likely dead the entire ride over, while still keeping that small hope they'd be alive. I saw Peter shaking, puking, crying - everything while he wrote that. He wanted so badly for them to understand that he just wasn't ready. He never stopped to realize that they weren't ready, either. He thought there might be a small chance that they would think: "Oh, he did what any of us would." But that's so far from the truth. So anyway, yes, desperate was really what I had him feeling while writing that.
I had a blast with description in this! I just wanted everything to be raw and living and sitting there strangling you. I'm happy you pointed that line out! I could probably take away one or two of those descriptive words ;). I definitely don't want anything taking away from the meat of this.
The first draft of this had much more Sirius-italics-thinking. But I just couldn't figure out where to draw that line. Did it end when he held his best friends limp head in his lap? Or when he thought about what this meant for him, or when he heard that first cry from Harry in the crib. So I settled on using 'his' words for only the most intense ones, and going with the 500 word challenge ;). Mwahaha.
Thank you so much for this lovely review, my darling! I think I could write this same piece a thousand different ways. I'd love to figure out just what Remus was doing during all this, too. *hint hint*.
♥ Report Review
Oh.My.Gosh. That was so heart breakingly sad. Its one of the moments in Harry Potter that makes me go "if only". If only Sirius hadn't convinced the Potters to choose Peter. I know that the books wouldn't be there if that had happened, but I still wish with all my heart that it hadn't happened. It makes me so so so sad. And of course you portrayed it beautifully. Sirius' anguish here is so clear. His denial is so painful, and his devotion to Harry is amazing. I think a lot of times people focus a bit more on Sirius' losing James, and neglect to focus on the loss and potential loss of Harry as well. But you didn't. :) Brilliant job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for this amazing review! I just can't image what Sirius suffered during those moments, after he found Peter's hiding place empty, after he started realizing that it wasn't Remus that was the traitor.. gah. Sometimes I just want to walk Peter off a cliff.
Your review turned me into mush. Thank you so much for your wonderful words ♥ Report Review
August Review Challenge:
I really liked the first line of this chapter. It caught my attention straight off the bat and made me continue reading. I have read plenty of stories here and there about James and Lily's last moments, but never from the point of view of Sirius, which I found quite interesting. Though I have to admit that I wish this was longer. It was as if you gave me a taste of something great, but didn't quite quench my thirst. If you ever decide to expand this story, I will be first in line to read and review it. Overall great job.Author's Response: Thank you so much! And actually, much of this will be expanded on the last bits of Before They Fall. Not this exactly, of course, but it will go a lot like it.
I'm so happy you liked it. Thanks for the awesome review!
♥ Report Review
Ack so this was emotional and sad and horrible exactly as you said. I mean, wow, everything about this moment gives me feels on a normal day and you managed to capture all the emotions of this perfectly.
I'm always so impressed with what people can do with five hundred words because there's no way I could write something like this with so little words - I need lots and lots of words and this is just, ah, all the feels.
And peter writing a note... I really like that, actually. Exactly as cowardly as one might except from Peter and yet he still feels as though he needs to try and explain himself in some way.
Really enjoyed this! :DAuthor's Response: I am so happy you liked this! That's exactly what I wanted. He was a coward. He did a very cowardly thing. But, he still wanted them to understand. He knows they wouldn't, but he couldn't give up that hope.
500 words are my go to inspirations. For some reason they just click with me.
I'm so happy you enjoyed it and thank you so much for this lovely review ♥ Report Review
THIS MOMENT. Seriously, I think if there's one moment about that night, this would be the one that threatens to tear my heart out the most and you do such a fabulous job writing it. It's short but it's no less powerful than a one-shot that would write this scene in thousands of words. I actually think this length is perfect for the emotion and scene you're trying to portray.
I love the idea of Peter leaving a note. I never actually thought about it before, but it's definitely an interesting way for the readers to see what sort of excuse he could come up with. It's sad because I can understand where he's coming from - the fact that the Potters probably would die and that Peter himself was more afraid of death than any sort of retribution from the remaining Marauders. But just as he wasn't ready to die, I don't think James and Lily were either and I think that's what breaks my heart the most.
Sirius's anxiety is so nerve-wracking! It's hard because he's still a little bit hopeful that nothing had happened, that he was being played and sent in the wrong direction but we, the readers, know the truth. I really love the description of his motorbike, the line about the war cries was especially awesome, and the small details like the frost in his stubble and the tears caught in his dark lashes. Such lovely imagery.
Sirius's guilt (something that I love to write as well) is so palpable here and you do such a wonderful job with that, especially at the end with the fragmentation. I always imagined that maybe that's what Sirius didn't fight so much when they dragged him off to Azkaban after Peter's deception, that maybe he thought it was his penance for suggesting Peter, that in some roundabout way, he was responsible for their deaths. Gah, poor Sirius.
This was heartbreaking but very well-written. I'm sorry I can't offer much more feedback - I'm such a sucker for fics about Sirius the night of James and Lily's death and this was great. :)Author's Response: Blahh what am I supposed to do about this review?! How am I going to make a coherent response to such wonderful words from a writer I respect so much?!
In my head Dumbledore was fully aware that Sirius was innocent. He had no proof, but he knew. Dumbledore always knows. He tried to talk to Sirius about option, Sirius was broken and basically repeated that it was his fault they were dead. Sirius had decided it was his fault and went to Azkaban willing to serve his sentence until he saw that newspaper article and lost it.
Bahhh why does everything revolving around these people have to be so sad?
I am so happy you liked the imagery, I wanted to make sure to include enough but not too much of it.
Seriously, this was an amazing review and you have made my week.
Thank you for the incredible review ♥ Report Review
Hi there, sorry it took me so long to return your review, I was just really busy!
Wow, that's all I can say. I usually don't like reading stories that are less than 1,500 words, just because I feel that you can't do justice to any character or situation in less than that - then you came along here, the exception to my rule. It's mind blowing really.
This was so short, but it conveyed so much. Each word was chosen with deliberate care and attention and I could tell that. Some of your imaginery was mind-blowing, this in particular:
"Seconds after he finished reading those chilling words, the paper caught flame: ashes. Small, grey, dusty pieces that forever hid the truth."
I loved the opening sentence too, it really grabs the reader and draws them in, it also conveys so much about Peter too - his regret, his cowardice, his guilt even. Really great stuff.
The last line is a killer though, really is, just sticks the knife in and twists it! PAIN!
Anyway, this is fantastic, and i have no constructive criticism to make, except that I was sort of expecting some sort of reference to Lupin, the realisation that he wasn't the spy after all or something, but that could just be me!
Brilliant stuff anyhow 10/10Author's Response: Aww it was so sweet of you to come by! ♥
Remus did originally have his very own portion in this! Then I decided to make this a 500 word challenge, and considering I'll get my chance to write Remus's feelings revolving around this when I get to the end of Before They Fall, he had to get cut :(. Poor werewolf.
Anyway, I'm so happy you liked this, it was very emotional to write so knowing I put those kind of emotions into others makes me the happiest girl ever.
Thanks again for this amazingly perfect review ♥ Report Review
Wow. I saw 580 words and I thought to myself, short read, curious what can be said in so few words, but I should have known better. Everything can be said in few words.
This is absolutely heartbreaking. I can feel for Sirius. I don't just feel FOR Sirius, I actually feel him. Felt my life shatering apart. You just transported me into the mind of Sirius and for a moment I really felt like it was me experiencing this.
His guilt is so beautifully portrayed, especially in contrast to Peter's selfishness. I wasn't ready to die. That line really set the tone for me.
Truly, I am impressed. This piece was really powerful and I think the shortness only adds to it.
Well done!Author's Response: Wow, this is such an amazing review! Thank you so much for your wonderfully kind words. Sirius is the most heartbreaking of all to me, so this piece really took a lot out. I'm so happy that you were able to feel everything I think Sirius did during those terrible minutes.
Jami Report Review
Here for review tag! ^_^ I'm glad I was able to read something of yours, especially a story like this - it was wonderfully done!
The moment you chose for this one-shot is very unique, a moment of agony and realization that isn't often portrayed in fanfiction, if at all. Usually, people write about the moment after, when Sirius discovers the Potters' bodies. But here, what's brilliant about this story is that he doesn't yet know - the readers do, which makes it so much more painful because we know what comes next and how things will end for Sirius. I like your use of fragmentary sentences and repetition to heighten the tension and the amount of emotion Sirius is experiencing. The story moves quickly and flows very well - and you make sure that every word counts, that each one has an effect upon the reader.
I'm fascinated by your use of the note at the beginning. It caught my attention right away with its language and the excuse that Peter gives for his actions. Perhaps the fact that he writes any note at all is what stands out, but it makes sense because, no matter what, they are still the Marauders - and, I'm sad to say, Peter is right: the Potters would have died no matter what, just at a different time, in a different way. Peter, on the other hand, readily admits his own fear of death, and the self-destructing note further demonstrates his cowardice. His weakness, however, is that he doesn't seem to realize that Lily and James weren't ready to die either. They fought until the end, and there's no evidence to suggest that they would have welcomed Death as an old friend as Harry did in DH. In one line, you do so much and it's incredible - I love finding those kind of complexities in stories.
The one little thing I want to point out is the line late in the story: Sirius had suggest Peter. I think you mean "suggested" instead. Otherwise, this was perfectly done. It was wonderful to have come across this story - I really enjoyed reading it! :DAuthor's Response: Oops I've edited that typo out, thank you for pointing my out. And - ah!
I LOVE when those little things in stories are picked up. Seriously, where you in my brain when you wrote this??? Because your thoughts basically followed mine to a T. Especially regarding the note. He needed to tell them, he needed to do something - but in the same time he thought what he said could be considered a justification, he didn't realize that he was trading three lives for his miserable one. Or he did, and it just didn't matter enough to him.
blah. Stupid rat. I want to make him walk off a cliff of something - but then I can't, because I have to make myself like him to write him for my novel. Blah.
Seriously, getting this kind of review from such a talented author has made my week, you're incredible, thank you so much for this!
Jami Report Review
Wow! This was so good! You really characterised Sirius really well!
You didn't make him a sap but you still made me want to cry!
This is soo-ooo good!
10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this wonderful review!!
I'm really happy you liked Sirius, too!
Thanks again! ♥ Report Review
Hey Jami! Here from review tag :)
This was truly chilling. I agree, that moment sends chills up my spine, because I know what must inevitably come next. I think what makes me even angrier is that Peter refused to even admit to the horrible thing he did. He didn't seem to possess an ounce of Gryffindor bravery. His sorting baffles me.
That said, I think your one-shot really shows the differences between Sirius and Peter. Sirius drives himself mad with guilt, pushes and pushes to do what he can to preserve his hope and help Lily and James. I hate watching his heart be torn out there at the end, but I think you characterized him so well.
The bit of imagery at the beginning with the note was beautiful, especially the ink-related comment.
Great job! :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this wonderful review! I am happy you liked Sirius's characterizations, because for me this is really the defining point of what became of the Marauders. I swear every time I start thinking about it I want to cry. Bawww.
I really loved that part, too. Am I allowed to say that? Haha, but something about writing it and imagining it really stuck inside my head.
Anyway, thank you again for this amazing review ♥
I'm also very happy you tagged me, because this was one I was going to request for, hehe.
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room!
Wow. So short yet so powerful. I appreciate the efficiency and restraint of this piece. Like you, I think that I would never run out of words to describe the thoughts and emotions that tore through Sirius's mind after he learned of Peter's betrayal. It must have been like watching everything he had ever fought for or cared about come crashing down.
Peter's note was haunting in its simplicity. Nothing more needed to be said. It hinted at a strong feeling of remorse mixed into his cowardice. Very appropriate.
And then Sirius takes to the sky, driving toward Godric's hollow with everything he has. You did an amazing job of capturing both the physical cold and the emotional despair that would have come with his flight.
Oh, the thoughts of little Harry! How horrible that must have been. The pain and grief radiating through him. The realization that the last earthly embodiment of James and Lily's love might also be gone. It makes it hurt even more when you realize that he would go for twelve long years without seeing the boy he cared for so much.
And you close with his grief at realizing that he had been the one, indirectly, to bring about their deaths by suggesting Peter as their Secret Keeper. Living with that knowledge... well, it's a wonder he was able to go on living.
This was beautifully done. Your writing was exquisite. I think you left this one, small mistake in there just to test us:
-- "Sirius had suggest Peter." - suggested.
Awesome story!Author's Response: Of course that was just to test you! Had to make sure you're on your toes ;)!
I'm so happy you liked this, I was nervous that maybe it wasn't as emotionally impacting as I wanted it to be.
Sometimes I think the only thing that kept him living was his desire to see Harry again and kill Peter. Sirius isn't the forgive and forget type, the anger he had at that man for taking everything away would never have subsides. I'm so scared to move to this part of Before They Fall - there's just so much darkness in everything surrounding the ending of the Marauders ;(.
Okay, I'm going to go before I start blubbering.
This was an amazing review that absolutely made my day, thanks so much for it :)!
You better get ready to mail me chocolate on a daily bases when I get to the point in BTF when James and Lily go into hiding. :P
Thanks again, darling!!
So, I read your last blog, about your characters and how you all know they're going to die/turn evil, and yet you still love them all the same, and your love for them comes out in the way they are written, and in the way Sirius feels for James.
It must have been awful for Sirius to learn it was Peter, especially considering the whole time he had been blaming Remus.
Great job! Thanks for swapping! :)Author's Response: I am so happy you liked this story! Funny you should mention that! I'm actually working on a few references regarding the distrust Sirius feels trying to figure out if it's actually Canon. I just hate the idea of him distrusting Remus, but it does make sense considering tensions were so high and Werewolves were all in a very dark place.
Blah, so much sadness in their era ;(.
Anyway - thank you so very much for this!
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I saw your status and was like, SIRIUS ONE SHOT VALIDATED!! and of course had to scamper over here to read it, and boy am I glad that I did. This was a very moving one shot, and I almost wish it was longer than it is (for selfish fangirl reasons). But I think that a lot of the emotional impact of this piece comes from its brevity. It's just a glimpse of the painful story we already know, and reading Sirius' version of that pain and that story is so, so moving.
I think you did an excellent job with the description here. I totally felt the cold night that Sirius was flying through. I also think you processed his internal monologue well... the language felt fairly natural for Sirius. I think sometimes people elevate narration of their characters to a point that is no longer accurate for that characters -- but this, this was done very well.
Ahh. Poor Sirius. That whole group, and generation really got such a bad lot of life. I realized writing chapter 13 of WAT today how very few characters remain after the first and second wizarding wars. D: I'm way too much of a baby to play with those characters while still keeping ot canon, so I'm very glad brave souls like you do!!
Great one shot!Author's Response: Bahh thanks for this amazing review, Melissa ♥
As silly as this sounds, part of me didn't register what I'd ultimately do to these character before I started Before They Fall. And then after I did realize it, I was already in way too deep. I swear, if I start thinking about the Marauders and Lily all losing their life to this war, Frank and Alice losing their sanity... I almost always start to tear up. It's just so sad ;(.
Anyway, I am so happy you liked the descriptions and Sirius's internal monologue - that was difficult because I really think he'd either be thinking nothing - everything would just be black and terrified, or he'd be thinking everything, so I tried to just pull little strings of the 'everything' aspect out.
You better be nice with WAT - we both know what a baby I am ;(!!!
Thanks again for this amazing review ♥
That imagery in the first paragraph, "the black colour of it had been too severe" I loved that, it's so beautiful.
My god, Pettigrew was a coward. how'd he ever get into our wonderous Gryffindor. And poor Sirius, blaming himself for suggesting the change.
The entire thing is so full of emotion. You can feel how Sirius felt in this pivotal moment of his existence. But how well he knows his friends. James will fight. No matter what Old VoldeyShoes has done, they'd never stand aside and let him have Harry.
What a wonderful entry, and so powerful despite beign so short, that I think makes it all the better. You managed to portray the emotion and the moment, and you didn't pad it out with unneeded extras. it works perfectly as it is.
A wonderful entry. 10/10 in my book.
TyrannicFeenixAuthor's Response: I am so happy you liked this one shot, it was hard to decide if I should lengthen it and not include the 500 word element, but once I started writing a longer version I couldn't stop. There's just so much to tell - and considering I'm going to have to go over it all again when I get to the end of Before They Fall, I decided keeping it at 500 words was the best idea. I'm so happy you think it enhanced the piece as opposed to taking from it!
Sometimes when working on my Marauder's fic I just want to make Peter fall off of a cliff. Blah - I hate thinking about what he becomes.
Thanks again for this amazing review :)!!!
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