It's exciting to find a story about the Peverells, and it sounds like you're developing them in an interesting way, different from what I've seen in the rare other Peverell stories, but still well within the bounds of canon. I especially like how you've introduced the characters and sketched them out for readers - they already feel like real people, and Ignotus emerges as a strong protagonist because of the way you've given readers a detailed look into his mind and personality. In terms of plot and character, your story is already well on its way, which is great to see in an introduction!
The one thing I think you need to work on is the style and historical aspects of the story. They are linked because, from what I've seen here, you're trying to capture an old fashioned way of speech, but it's coming out too wordy - mostly because it's over-descriptive, adding too many adjectives and other descriptive terms that aren't necessary. There was a couple points throughout this chapter where I lost track of the events because there was too much description in the way. This is a strange thing for me to say since I love detailed descriptions, but your descriptions are focused on things that aren't as crucial to creating atmosphere and enhancing character. So, for instance, in the paragraph where you describe how much lighter the mansion is, you don't need to say that the curtains were pulled aside "as opposed to their usual concealment of the windows" because it's easily gathered from the rest of the paragraph that it's an unusual situation - if Ignotus is amazed by how much brighter the room is, then you don't need to say that the curtains were usually shut, that's implied. It will definitely help to be more concise.
If you want to give more of a historical feel to the story, you just need to write in a more formal style. So instead of "grumpiness", you could use a word like "melancholy", which was once the popular term for being grumpy. Nor would Ignotus wear trousers in the Medieval period - it would more likely be hose or breeches... but that's really getting picky. This is what comes of reading too much history. *hides* You're getting there, but maybe a look through some older stories, even Arthurian legends work, and getting a clearer understanding of the time period.
This story has a lot of potential and it'll be interesting to see where you'll take it next! I hope this review hasn't sounded harsh, and if you'd like more help with the story, just let me know! :) Report Review
How did I not know that you had a new chapter??? I just looked at my favorite stories list and saw this at the top! Woot!
Okay, review time.
I LOVED being inside Antioch's head! PS, how do you spell that correctly every time? I would absolutely mess it up. I kind of feel bad for the spoiled little guy. Yes, he's kind of a bully, he clearly thinks he's the prince of the castle, but he still wants to be close with this brothers. It's precious. And maybe his bully ways were merely his only idea of how to spend time with them...
then at the end when him and Ignotus were both victims... I really liked that touch.
I loved how much we got to see in this! I'm a huge fan of using those page breaks to switch characters, and I think you did smoothly and perfectly here. Nothing felt jumpy, the flow didn't feel disrupted, and it added a new kind of depth to this chapter. Awesome job!
I feel so bad for Anastasia. Have I already told you that I love that name? And I half expected Poppy's healer to walk in at any minute :P. Ignotus is such a shy little thing... I really enjoyed getting to see that through her. Yes, she's just a child, but this disease has given her an incredible amount of wisdom and you showed that so perfectly.
And they're catipilars!!! Turing into a butterfly!!! That's so much less sinister than the baby basilisk I had them pegged for :P. I love it though, it's pure and perfect.
The further we get into Anastasia's story, the more worried I get. We know it won't end well, but I really want it to. But then... Ignotus asked for the cloak of invisibility. For some reason I was thinking it was the stone, to bring Anastasia back, but he clearly knew better than to try and avoid death. So that means C. had a reason to ask for the stone.. does something happen to Astrid??? I like her :(. It's obvious why our eldest brother asked for the wand, and I have to say you are creating his personality, all of theirs so perfectly.
This chapter kept me so entertained, again I think you made an awesome choice with the different character PoVs in it. I'm always so impressed with your ability to slip into this older style of writing.
Awesome chapter ♥Author's Response: Hey Jami! Honestly, I want to go hide away in shame because of how long I've taken to respond to your reviews, but this is the first chance I've gotten in weeks!
Mixed feelings about Antioch is exactly what I want to deliver because he does the same thing to me. He's just the eldest of the boys and he wants to feel like it sometimes and violence just happens to come into the picture each time. But I'm SO happy you understand him. Also, I promise you that it took me some time and a lot of backspacing to stop writing his name as 'Anitoch'.
I want to be honest with you, so I'll say that this story kind of inspired Brittle Bones. BB was, in the beginning, supposed to be a companion story to Progeros but I decided against it.
Anyway, I'm glad you liked seeing things through Anastasia's eyes! I have big, exciting plans for her -and for everyone else.
Oh yes, the caterpillars! There's more behind those too! I know this chapter may have felt a little like a filler, but there's a bigger meaning behind them and they'll be referred to again later on. Unless I, as always, change my mind about it.
You know, I don't want to spoil things, but I guess it's safe to say that things don't end well for at least half of my characters. I mean, you already know how things end for Antioch and Cadmus, which is sad because I've grown to love both of them even more than I love Ignotus. It's like... the reason I avoid writing Marauder stories is that none of them gets to die peacefully. And I come here and the same thing happens with the Peverells. Jami, I don't want my characters to die! Let's leave them be happy, troublesome children for now!
Jami, you have no idea how much your support means to me. I know I've probably said that before, but really! You leave me reviews that always give me this boost of encouragement to go on and make me feel that maybe I have a shot at not messing up this plot, and that if I'm on the verge of doing so, I'll have someone who'll notice it and help me straighten things out. So I really can't thank you enough!
-Manno Report Review
Once again, you do a good job of setting up the personalities more and more of the boys who will eventually become The Three Brothers in the Beedle the Bard tale.
Antioch, the pushy 'wannabe' powerful one.
Cadmus, the quite and more emotional one.
And Ignotus, the one who would rather be left alone and hide, perhaps under a Cloak...
The interpersonal relations are well done here, and the little gentlemen of this Era are still "real boys" in that they are flawed - as all children are. By this I mean that they lack experience in life, as all children do. You have not depicted them as superheroes, and that's good. It makes for a more believable read, with the "MOM!" and the "I'm gonna tell!" mindset.
You must have children or little brothers?! ;)Author's Response: Hello again! It's really nice to see you here and thank you for your generous compliments.
I'm always enthralled to hear that the brothers are developing in the right direction. Though characterisation isn't usually my forte, I think this story is giving me a massive chance to improve.
I also am very relieved to hear that they seem to be children. When I got feedback on the first chapter, I was told that the boys seemed to be really mature and I tried to change that. I'm glad that this is how they're coming off now. But yes, I do have little brothers and cousins around the age of the Peverell boys! :)
Once again, thank you for the lovely review! Such encouragement always makes me want to write more and strive to improve.
-Manno Report Review
OK, have to confess, wedding proposals and all that goes with them makes me run away, but I'll stay on for the rest! ;) Cant' elaborate on how you handled it, because...I couldn't! I do find it interesting that Alphard is taking the novel so well, though, since it's based on his life. So far, so good.Author's Response: Honestly, I don't usually write about those in detail because I have no experience with them whatsoever. But that's why I challenged myself here and the characters kind of needed this for reasons that shall be revealed later.
Once again, massive thanks to you for all your 4 wonderful reviews. Seeing them really made my day. -hugs-
-Manno Report Review
Interesting. Hope they've not found baby Basilisks! Wondering about all the subtle mentions of thing like leg pains, but I suppose we'll see more? I do like this little girl that Cadmus seems to fancy, although if I have the brothers straight, this isn't going to go well...onward!Author's Response: Hello! And oh God, not baby Basilisks! That'd be very dangerous and Cadmus and Astrid are still very young to die! And I can't say much about Astrid and Cadmus's story, but it certainly is one I look forward to working more on.
I'm very happy to hear that you're still finding this interesting! :D
Thanks for another great review! :D
-Manno Report Review
A story within a story, complete with its own review? Interesting, and pulled off well. I do have one critique - I really don't get who Alphard is in this chapter, just that he's a Malfoy and we're in the Manor. That could use a bit more, however, they are interesting characters.Author's Response: Hey again!
Yes, hopefully I won't end up making it so hard to understand! And I'll go back to the chapter -it's next on my to-edit list- and I'll try to add a few more things that will make who he is more obvious.
Thank you for this helpful review! :D
-Manno Report Review
It's an interesting beginning, and the boys are well fleshed out in this first chapter. Very proper little gentlemen, who speak as though they are indeed from an earlier time from a very "good" family. Little Men, indeed, although not of the Alcott genre! Or are they? Antioch's outburst of magic certainly are fitting for him to be the one to eventually have the Elder Wand. I think it's well done for a first novel, and I look forward to reading more of this interesting plot.Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! It certainly has been a very pleasant surprise. I'm very glad to hear that you're liking the characters and that you think the idea is interesting. It really is encouraging and means a lot to me.
Thank you for coming by! -hugs- :)
-Manno Report Review
Hi Manno! I'm here with your requested review :)
I think it's cool that the first chapter turned out to be a story that Valeria is writing! It's neat to see you transition back and forth between the time periods and sets of characters, and I think it makes this a really original and interesting plot (one that I wish I had time to follow without the help of a thread). I like the characterization of Alphard and Valeria for the most part, particularly in that you focused on their quirks and the nuances of their relationship. I also liked the "out of character day" theme; it was like Valeria was pretending to be Sherlock Holmes as she tried to figure out why things were topsy turvy at Malfoy Manor that day.
Couple of critiques here for you -- one, the beginning of this chapter was a little jarring for me. At first I thought it was an author's note that you'd forgotten to put in a different font style, and I had to read it several times before I felt like I really understood who was speaking and where it was coming from. I'd recommend finding a different way to begin, perhaps by adding something else, something more concrete to set the scene before you start in about Valeria writing the story.
The other critique is Valeria herself. I just really struggled to place her. I eventually kind of deduced that Alphard was Scorpius's brother, but I was thrown by Valeria. Why is she so comfortable at the manor that she refers to Astoria by her first name? How old is she? What is her relationship to Alphard--friends, girlfriend and boyfriend, etc.? I can appreciate wanting there to be a little ambiguity, because I sense that was a theme here, but I do think some more concrete detail needs to be added to make it so that Valeria makes sense. Overall, I think if you work in more of those concrete pieces, that will improve the flow of the chapter and finish filling out the characterization.
I did really like your description in this chapter. I especially liked the part where Alphard was reading Valeria's manuscript and she was studying his facial expression, as well as the imagery related to the Manor's garden and all of its natural beauty. I would say imagery emerged as a strong point here.
Nice job! I hope this review is helpful :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hello Amanda! Thank you so much for coming back! :)
I'm glad you think this is a good idea. To me, it's insane and I know it'll be hard to work on at some points in the future, but I'm always happy to hear it's working out so far. So thank you!
As for your critique, I do suppose you are right. I'm not entirely sure how I can make a better opening for this chapter but I will most certainly take my time to think about it and try to alter it.
I'll also try to work on Valeria and see how I can make her fit better into the chapter and provide enough information about her that she's easier to understand.
And the descriptions worked out? YAY! It really means a lot to me that you say so, considering description is one of my biggest fears.
Thank you so, so much for this wonderful and helpful review! I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to be here once again. :) -hugs-
So I have one very tiny CC about this chapter that I'm going to get out of the way. Contractions. I think you need to add more in here, just because you have a lot of words that could be turned into them, but aren't and it makes it feel a bit formal at certain points. Now that that's over...
THIS WAS FREAKING ADORABLE. And I think that his proposal was perfect. Because it was like what their 'relationship' seems like so far! Different, not traditional, and just something unexpected. And I can see his point. I've often wondered why people don't do it like that. When you think about it, courting for weeks then deciding to marry used to be how it was done. Not dating for years, then getting engaged. I think it was very well done; the scene didn't feel forced, and I picked up on Valeria's hesitance but not because she didn't love him, but because it was just unexpected! perfectly.
I'm also curious as to what has made Lorcan such a loner! And I love the way you've already characterized Luna through the eyes of her daughter. Her comments about the odd things Luna believes and her little saying about eating without a family member unless that family is with their wife/children/other family.. it was great and reminded me that this is *in fact* Luna's daughter. And! It made the unconventional proposal as well as relationship that much better!
I think you did great when Luna actually came into play. She is letting her daughter answer her own questions, it's obvious she's grown up and is a mother, but her whimsical nature and feeling is still strong and I absolutely loved that.
AND I'm so jealous that you have a way to vent about your book, IN your book! I started giggling when I was reading about Valeria's troubles with the chapter, because that's yours, but it's hers because even though it's your book, it's still her book! I'm not making sense, am I?
And I am extremely excited as to what these discussions about Jenny uncover. I can imagine that would be really hard. Hearing about someone your fiance once cared very much about, as well as hard for him to have to talk about it. Though I'm sure he's open to, it still can't be fun.
The only thing I really wanted to see in this that wasn't, was Astoria's and Draco's reaction! I mean, I know Draco's at work and Astoria's cooking... but I still couldn't help but wanting to see it. Haha. And that's only because I'm greedy for more of your awesome writing :). I also loved how you started out this chapter with what we all imagine will happen on that special day, because for every girl it's very true.
I really enjoyed this, darling. I love being inside Valeria's head, she's an amusing and lovable character that I can't wait to learn more about! The entire dynamic of this all felt natural, like I was watching it all happen as opposed to read it.
Wonderful ♥Author's Response: -lots of squealing- Okay! Better now!
First of all, you're absolutely right about the contractions! It was a habit I picked up as I wrote the Peverell chapters, so it sticks around sometimes. I'll make sure I go back to these and fix them, so thanks for pointing them out!
YOU THOUGHT THE PROPOSAL WAS GOOD? -hugs- I really didn't think anyone would like the way I chose to do this, even though I have my reasons, but it's just not the way it's usually done, right? It's a relief to hear you think it was good though! Actually, over here, the whole courting then long engagements is the way things usually happen and it seemed like an interesting concept to take on, even if I don't really understand its dynamics. -hugs again-
Luna was fine? You're serious? AH! I swear, while writing this chapter, just this scene took me a whole day because writing Luna terrifies me as much as does writing Severus! And I had no clue how grown up Luna would be like. I'm so happy right now!
And yes, I'm abusing my powers here because if any story is meant to drive me insane, it's this one! And having Valeria complain about it, somehow, always helps me come up with a solution!
I do agree with you about Astoria and Draco but I've got something in mind for the two of them, I promise!
Thank you so, so much Jami for the wonderful reviews! They're always encouraging me to go ahead with this! And thank you for the compliments; they're the reason I sit here and squeal!
Lots and lots of love.
Woo! What a read. I know, I took a century to get here and I apologize; the wait was ridiculous!
Plot: Wow. Disoriented much? I think my break is what killed me. There is much happening, just the right pace, may I add, that I had a bit of a whiplash and had to go back and reread the first chapter:P I was a little tangled up there. So someone writing a story bout writing a story...Okay! I think this is actually pretty neat! I enjoyed it!
Characterization: I love alphard. I feel like theres so much to know about him I just want to sit down and have a conversation with him! I really, really want to read more about him. Please(;
Dialogue: Maybe it's just me, but the conversations seemed very blunt. But, on a completely different scale, I think Astoria's was just right. Which is really odd, I know, but everyone else's dialogue seemed to need a bit of fleshing out. Again, it could just be me, but it seemed to me that it was all very blunt.
Imagery: I think there should be more of this. This is terribly, terribly difficult to add sometimes but it seems to me like you're just so dang excited about what you're writing you forget to add imagery, you just want to get to the fun part. I am so incredibly guilty of this. Maybe go back and add some in? i think it would add lots to the feel of the story!
Thanks for requesting!
EverAuthor's Response: Hello! There's no need to worry or to apologise about the delay; it's absolutely fine! And I've also taken a while to respond, so yeah...
I'm very happy to hear that you like Alphard because we'll be seeing a lot of him.
As for dialogue, I think I'll try to go over it again and see what I can go, and the same goes for imagery. You are completely right; I do forget to add in the details sometimes, especially when I'm telling things from First POV. Therefore, thank you for pointing that out and thank you for the over all helpful review!
-Manno Report Review
So I've seen this mentioned around the forums more than a few times recently and every time I thought to myself 'I must read that at some point'. Nevertheless, due to work/being busy/etc. made that kinda impossible until today. So here I am. Finally :)
The concept of this story is just amazing. Seriously. You go so far beyond the normal idea of 'girl meets boy' or whatever and the stereotypes of Next Gen fanfiction and all the rest of it and create... this. I'm so interested in what's going to happen, how the illness is going to tie in across the generations (at least, that's what I'm assuming is going to happen, but I may well be wrong) and how it's all going to pan out, and you haven't even really explained the plot yet (which, by the way, is perfectly fine. It works so well here!). It's just... gah, I wanna know! I'm so curious.
I did notice that there were a few odd words and odd phrases here and there - mostly in the first chapter. I saw you said you have a beta, so maybe send it to her again just to check. It's just a little thing, to be honest, but there were a couple of points where it jarred the flow of the story for me and it's easy enough to smooth things like that out, so you might as well ;)
Anyway, I have to admit that I really, really don't like it when people include non-canon children for Next Gen. There's an epilogue, it says who marries who, how many children they have and what they're called, BUT I am going to make an exception. For you. Don't expect me to do this again :P It's just that... gosh, Alphard is a Malfoy - a Malfoy with a Black name (like Scorpius and Draco), and Valeria really fits as a Scamander. I feel like perhaps she should be a little more day-dreamy and spacey, but they're both such solid characters it doesn't really matter, you know - it's personal preference and I can ignore that.
I love how you're doing the one chapter of timeline A, then one chapter of timeline B thing - it's so easy to get sucked into both stories that way and they allow the story to develop along both lines. It's very clever and very exciting since I've only ever read one other story which did it like this.
The Peverell brothers are so... perfect. Ignotus seems like the kind of person to ask for an Invisibility Cloak (although would you mind double-checking how you spell his name on the Lexicon or something because I could have sworn you spelled it 'Ignotius', with an 'i' between the t and u O.o), Cadmus - I'm guessing that Astrid, who is adorable, is the girl he marries and tries to bring back with the Resurrection Stone? And Antioch... well, he's just a power-hungry, ambitious little hippogriff, isn't he? :P But no, they're all so well formed, like your Next Gen characters, that even though we don't hear much about them at all (apart from the Tale of the Three Brothers and who knows how accurate that is, lol), I feel like I know them already. Like they are characters who we met in the books. Weird, but true :)
Gah, I really, really enjoyed this. Kinda disappointed there's only three chapters, but I'll keep an eye out for updates! ;)
Aph xxAuthor's Response: LAURA! HEY! Thank you for coming by! You have no idea how much this means to me! -squishes in a hug-
First of all, I'm so, so happy you like the concept so far! I just hope I can continue to develop it properly because I think that's the hardest thing about writing. Commitment. Which I don't usually have. But anyway... I'm happy you're curious and I hope some of your questions will be answered soon!
And yes, the first chapter's style is a bit of a mess. That's probably because it was my first shot at trying something like this. I'll try to work on it again when I have time!
And... you don't have to make an exception for me, okay? You could totally hate me for this because I hated myself when I first got the idea because I love canon. And the epilogue was epic and Jo tied all the loose ends and whatnot. But then Alphard began to haunt me, then Valeria came along and I had to figure out a way to have them weasel their way into the canon epilogue. Which I have! But that doesn't mean that you can't hate me for this! Also, I promise you that we're going to see more sides of Valeria soon!
I am so glad you like the brothers because I really do too. At some point, I was planning to abandon the Next Gen plot and just write about the brothers because I just had so many ideas for them! And I just checked Ignotus's name, by the way, and it's (thank God! Imagine how hard that'd be to edit!) spelled without an 'i'.
Anyway... There are such few ways to express gratitude, but this really has been such a pleasant surprise! Thank you so, so much for the massive and super helpful review! It really does mean the world to me! -squishes into another hug-
So, I really like Cadmus! He's different from his brother but there are some similarities as well. All I can think as I read this chapter is what a challenge it must have been for you write in the older dialect like this. Maybe you get used to it? Either way, kudos to you!
I really really like Astrid. She isn't prim and proper, which in this time period is most certainly a rarity. And then I can't help when I read this story comparing the boys to the Hallows they eventually possess. Instantly it pops into my head that Cadmus got the Resurrection Stone because something terrible happens to her and he needs to see her again. This is just my own speculation of course.
The events flow nicely through the chapter. I never got bored with what was going on, which is certainly a good sign, because sometimes that happens with fics in this era. Good work!
I really do think that Cadmus and Astrid's conversations seem realistic. I also think it is cute how much they miss each other when they don't see each other for a little while. Love it!
My favorite part of the chapter is when Cadmus thinks to himself how Ignotus would tell him to keep his cool around Antioch, even when he is goading him. It was a nice connection between your characters/chapters.
Keep up the good work!
~CassieAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thank you for coming by again!
I'm so glad you like Cadmus because I love him as well. He does kill himself in the end, and that's probably why I just want him to have a nice childhood.
As for the older dialect, I think it helped that at the time I began writing this story, I was reading Pride and Prejudice. So I probably owe a lot to Jane Austen! Now it comes a bit more easily than it used to in the beginning though. So like you said, you do get used to it.
Also, I can't tell you how happy I am that you like Astrid! She's one of my favourite characters in the story and I have a lot planned for her! But I'm not saying anything more than that about her future! Spoilers everywhere!
Anyway, thank you so much for your compliments and for offering to review! Reviews like this always encourage me to stop procrastinating and get to working on the next chapter, which I tend to do a lot. So thank you!
-Manno Report Review
Hi love!! So, I read this chapter right when you requested it and I’m going to tell you my first opinion on it when I read it the first time. Completely awesome . So, now that I’m reading it to write the review, I’ll be a bit more specific ;).
So I have to stop during my read and say that I love the use of ‘his sky high nose’ when talking about seeing Antioch’s shadow on the wall. It just seals the idea that Antioch is in there to gloat and say that he’s better than his younger brother, because we all know that when talking about a snob people say things like walking around with their noses in the air. Or whatever the saying is, haha.
This is a small thing, but I’m thrilled that the family left without getting a sitter or something. I often read stories where the parents leave and a sitter is used, and I don’t know why the heck they’d get a sitter when they just pointing out having house elves. If there’s an actual reason, like someone says something about not trusting them with their baby or whatever, it doesn’t bug me. But the fact that you’ve left the children’s care to the elves just makes me happy because it feels like you’re sticking to HP world and not trying to muggle-world-it.
I think that all the brothers have a bit of a strained relationship, and it feels like it’s passed down from Antioch’s bossy/better than you attitude, but I do think that Cadamus and Ignotus seems like the closer of the two. They seems to have a regular sense of brotherly quarrelsomeness whereas Antioch seems to be nearly bordering cruel. I like that you use small things to help characterize the brother. Cadamus’s interested with Astrid (LOVE THAT NAME) because she’s adventures and likes to play, Ignotus’s reading and the fact that he taught Cadamus the word pretenses, then Antioch not even being there because he’s too busy trying to get a new broom and demonstrating that he is above his two brothers.
And I want to know what the heck these worm/snake creatures are! Will I find out??
Amazing chapter, my dear. I’m happy you’ve decided to open Valeria’s story up to all three brothers and not just focus on the one that mirrors Alphard. And that means, not the next chapter but the one after that, I should be seeing the world from Antioch’s PoV, right? That should be a blast!
You really are writing something original here, it’s a lot of fun to read. I think you’re continuing to make these chapters feel like they belong in there time, and your characterizations are remaining strong as well as your detail. I think you’ve found a very solid balance between enough detail and not too much.
I’m excited to read the next chapter!!!
JamiAuthor's Response: Interesting fact: I squealed and spun around when I read this review when I first got it. Another interesting fact: it still makes me want to do that.
Oh Jami! You give such wonderful and detailed reviews and I can't thank you enough! I just have way too many insecurities concerning this story but you're encouraging me to stick to it.
Here's something. When I first wrote this chapter, the first half -up until the boys wake up- was written from Antioch's point of view. Then, for some reason, I decided against it and wanted the whole thing to be from Cadmus's. In Antioch's POV, you could tell that he was bragging and I liked that part, so I needed to find a way to fit it in through Cadmus's eyes. And so the shadow came. My point is, I'm glad you found it expressive because I really want you guys to have a certain image of Antioch before we start seeing things the way he does.
The thing about the babysitter... I don't see it in that age. I mean, there're always servants around the house and in the HP world, it's house-elves. And each of the boys has one. But I'm glad you liked that point. Also, if there was a sitter, they wouldn't have gone to Astrid's, so...
You also seem to understand the dynamic between the brothers which is such a relief to me! I was worried their characterisation wasn't clear enough, honestly.
I have a bit of an idea -an insane one- at the moment about the snake-ish beings but I'm still trying to figure out the science behind it. But even if that doesn't work out, I think we'll know what they are.
And you know what? I'm about as excited about the chapter in Antioch's POV as you are because, honestly, I haven't written one yet. And this is the only one from Cadmus's that I have. But I know what I want to do with that first Antioch chapter and I can't wait to get the time to write it!
Anyway... Thank you so much for this massive and encouraging review. I truly still want to get up and spin around and squeal. Really. So thank you. You really make my days with your reviews. :D
I'm not sure what I expected when I clicked the link to this story, but it was definatley not this. The request mentioned Rose/Scop, so I'm confused right now as to how this story is going to connect with them, but it's intriguing! I was very impressed with how this is written. Were you imagining the Perverell's from Victorian Era? Because that's how I read it. I can't remember if it is mentioned in HP. I know Hermione finds Ignotus' grave, but I can't remember what it said.
I think I am as curious about little Anastsia as Ignotus is! What kind of condition does she have? I hope we learn more about her later.
I feel that you did a great job with the flow and characters. The dialouge seemed a little 'stiff' in some places, but that made it feel Victorian. So if that's the era you were going for, then it worked :D
I would love to read some more, so please feel free to re-request :D
~AdeleShareAuthor's Response: Hello there! Thank you so much for stopping by with such a lovely review!
Now, I know that things may seem a little foggy considering the characters introduced in this chapter and the ones mentioned in the story's info box, but I promise they get cleared up eventually. I am glad to hear you found this intriguing though; you have no idea how happy that makes me!
And well, it's not exactly Victorian. Research has informed me that the Peverell family was a respectable and famous medieval family. So it goes a few hundred years prior to the Victorian era. I know the language may not represent such a fact, but I really didn't fancy using 'thou's and 'thee's and didn't think many people would fancy reading much of that either. But the historical-ish feel was purposefully included and I'm happy you've noticed it.
Anyway, thanks again for the review! It's always good to hear different opinions regarding this story because I really do want it to work out. And thank you for offering!
-Manno Report Review
Anyways, here I am with your review darling!
This really does draw me in. I think the formality of it really sets the mood, I find it wonderful! I love historical like fics, so this was my cup of tea! This was also gorgeous, gorgeous writing! It made the whole chapter just beautiful! I was so thoroughly impressed!
Characterization: I love Ignotus! He's my favorite! I think you've given him a lovely, likable personality! Antioch really bothers me. He seems...cruel. I'm concerned about what aprt he'll play. I love the name Anastasia, I have a character named Anastasia too(:
Imagery: I loved this! I think you had just the right amount! I was just thoroughly impressed wsith it. Your writing was so beautiful and brought the story to life!
I think you really took a shot with something so unventured upon and you did a great job!
EverAuthor's Response: Thank you for taking the time to leave me this review and I deeply apologise for having taken so long to write up a response.
I'm very happy to hear that you enjoyed the historic side to this. Even though I love stories of this sort too, I was quite worried I wouldn't be able to write it well-enough. But your compliments certainly encouraged me to keep on going -they also made me squeal. :)
And yay for characters with pretty names! I really do love 'Anastasia'. I kind of wish I had the ability to handpick names for the Peverell boys too, but alas. Some pleasures must be sacrificed for canon's sake.
Once again, thank you so much for the review and for offering in the first place.
-Manno Report Review
I have to admit, it did take me a moment to get reoriented with this! (It probably didn't help that I took a brief break between chapters)
I'm really REALLY intrigued by what you have going on here, that's for sure. A story within a story...based on the lives of the characters in that story. It's certainly different, and in a good way!
I think that what I like the most about this is that you aren't just abandoning the characters you created in the first chapter, or even their storyline. It's more like you're...modifying them? They may not be exactly the same, but they have a counterpart, one who is, at the very least, similar. To me, it makes it a lot more believable, the story within the story.
So, yeah, obviously I like your new characters too. They each seem unique and interesting! Especially the concept that Scorpius has a twin! The few times I've seen it happen, he had a female twin so she could date one of the Potter boys. I much prefer your version :D
I think you have a lot of really unique and interesting concepts going on within this story, so really good job!
Keep up the good work!
~CassieAuthor's Response: Hello! I really do believe that I'm to blame for your mild disorientation considering that there was hardly anything hinting towards such a change -which greatly worried me. I'm very glad to hear that you find it intriguing though!
And yes, 'modifying' is the perfect word. I know that Valeria seems to be doing this for no reason now but that is bound to change.
I'm also incredibly happy to hear that you like the concept of Alphard because I admire him -this has a lot to do with the people he's based upon.
Thank you so much for this helpful and encouraging review and I'm sorry for taking such a long time to respond to it.
Ohh, I'm intrigued. I really like older, more historical stories like this one!
I have to admit, I'm a bit relieved that your story is actually about the Peverell family and not just random OC's. I usually enjoy at least a small connection to canon.
I liked your characterization of all of the characters, but I especially liked Anastasia. I always have a soft spot for young female characters, and I feel so bad that she is sick. It actually makes me like her more, she's flawed, though not necessarily by any fault of her own.
I think you did a really good job with the dialogue in this story. You somehow managed to make the formality seem familiar, and at times, through the dialogue alone, I was reminded that Ignotus is really nothing more than a child.
I definitely didn't lose interest at any point in this chapter, though I must admit that my interest was most piqued with Anastasia. I desperately wanted to know what was going on with her, and now I know that Ignotus does as well!
Really good job on the first chapter, can't wait to move on :D
~CassieAuthor's Response: Oh, hello! Thanks for this lovely review; it really does encourage me to work harder on this story.
I, too, have a soft spot for young females character and Anastasia is, by far, the most interesting and the most heartbreaking I've written about.
I'm happy to hear that you think that this chapter was nice and interesting! Thanks again for the review!
-Manno Report Review
Hi manno! I'm here for your review :D
I wouldn't be worried about the change to be disappointing at all! It did take me a couple minutes to get orientated to it but i honestly like how you've done it. It's really neat because it's a story being written within another and i've always liked stories that do that. It also gives you a little leeway with the other chapters that will focus on the Peverall brothers as now we know that it's a story being written by someone else. To an extent anyway it will allow you to get away with more. Another thing i find really neat with this idea is that the stories are going to parallel each other to an extent as we now know that the story is based off a real life one. So it'll be giving a lot of background information to what happened to Alphard and Jenny and Scorpius through the eyes of Ignotius.
I like Val, she's interesting and quirky and the whole tone you write her in is really unique and different. It makes me really connect to this chapter and these characters, probably more than i did with the characters in the first. I don't think she rambled too much, it was kind of sweet and funny how she'd start thinking about bubbles and tea scalding etc.
There were times that her rambling got a little confusing and hard to understand like this for example:
If I'm not used to burning myself with tea –I have the attention span of a two-months-old infant, even a fish is more attentive– I probably would've been crying by now.
I understand what you were trying to say but I feel like it got a little convoluted. There were some other instances of this throughout which were a little distracting. Mostly just sentence structure kind of things and nothing that a couple extra comma's or a beta wouldn't be able to help you out with :D But yeah, those are the things that stopped the flow of this from being perfect.
I'm interested in Alphard, a twin of Scorpius who doesn't have magic. I think that's an interesting dynamic but i hope you explore it further so as to explain it more. It can make sense in my head because if there is a lot of pureblood intermarriages, i think that things just get screwed up in the genetics and makes squibs more likely to happen. Is this your reasoning? whatever it is, i'd love to see it in the story itself. Also, how did Draco take having a squib son? This is very interesting to me how that all played out and i think you've introduced a of questions here to make me really interested in the outcome of this story.
Description wise, I'll repeat what Alphard said ;) is that there does need to be a bit more description here. Generally i think you did a descent job but i think that a bit more would help balance your story out. For example, Astoria was quite present at the beginning of the story, but then as the dialogue continued between Val ad Alphard she sort of faded out. How i try to do it in my work is that i pretend that i'm sitting with my characters and as they're talking i'm looking around and noticing what's happening in the surroundings. Obviously not all that you notice needs to be brought in but it does help give a bigger view of what's happening in your story. I hope that makes sense and i'm not just talking jibberish. :P
I hope you found this review helpful to you and overall, i really enjoyed this chapter and thought you brought in a lot of interesting questions in my mind that would make me want to continue reading this. Good job and feel free to rerequest if you liked this review ;DAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thank you for coming back with yet another marvellously helpful review; it really means a lot to me.
I'm quite happy that this chapter hasn't made the story seem less interesting. I really had considered cutting out this whole Valeria-Alphard part and secluding it in an individual novel, so you have no idea how relieved I am to know that it hasn't been disappointing. And having you guys see a portion of what happened with Alphard, Scorpius, and Jenny through Ignotus's (and a few other people's) eyes is exactly what I am aiming for, even if it'll be mixed up with a bit of fiction created by Val.
I'm glad you mentioned the adjective quirky when it comes to Val; she is, after all, Luna's daughter. She must have some quirkiness in her blood. I'm also glad that you find her interesting as she's my representative in the fictional world. When I have her rant about the problems I'm facing with the stories of the Peverells, she and Alphard help me find solutions.
And I'll try to work my around those unnecessary sentence and straighten them out. :)
As much I wish I could include everything about Alphard's life in this story, I know that I can't. Things like Draco's reaction to having a squib for a son is something that's happened in Alpahrd's past, one that Valeria wasn't there for and will mostly make up. Nonetheless, the issue will be touched further on in the story.
And your advice regrading description seems to be very helpful! I sort of get what you're trying to say and I'll try to apply it. You are definitely right about Astoria disappearing all of a sudden in the kitchen.
Thank you so much for this review and I surely will request once the next chapter is ready and up.
Oh my goodness darling you really have surprised me!! And I have to say, I usually know what's coming at least a little bit.
So - the first chapter about the brothers was very well received because it was different. You're worried about disappointing people who thought you would be continuing with that? I wouldn't. Yes, it was a new and different story and beautifully written, but this is still just as different! And it's easier to relate to. I was honestly so pleasantly surprised with your use of creativity in this. I know that the previous chapter was obviously written by you, but the idea that it was written by Val and we were reading the writing within your writing, it's just all very cool.
So - Scorpius has a twin who doesn't posses magic. I'm curious as to how common that is with a pureblood family? Anyway, he seems to take it very well. I loved that it was also a cleaver way to introduce some muggle things into the manor. Val's excitement at using the laptop was absolutely wonderful!
I want to make sure I'm following things correctly:
I can't figure out if Lysander and Val are dating? Or if it's her brother? But I'm sure I'll learn soon enough. And she's best friends with Alphard, but also friends with Scorpius, and living in the manor because her family has left the country. And Jenny! Well, she's still a mystery, but she's supposed to be (right?) haha.
Astoria's cooking, Alphard is not going into work (he's a medical researcher?) he wants to take walks.. and all this is very different than the norm. So far we don't have any indications that Val has any kind of feelings other than platonic for her best friend, so I don't think he's about to swear his undying love. Hmm...
I really love what you've done with Alphard CC'ing Val's, because your CCing your own work, and again the entire idea of it is just so neat. I don't think shifting to this cast was confusing in the slightest, you made it clear right away what was going on and it was very easy to follow. I honestly think that this time frame, with the P brothers in the background as Val's novel, will hold more attention and is just such a different concept.
I like what I see of your characters so far, but I'm going to wait a bit more until I really have a feel for them to comment. It did seem like Alphard doesn't hold resentment to his draw of cards when it comes to magic, which is nice because it would be very easy to feel that way.
Your descriptions changed from the last chapter, but in a necessary way to kind of break off from that old time sense of poetic writing. I think you did a great job giving us the scene but still letting your characters take the lead. I also giggled at the idea of Astoria's apron ;)!!
All in all, this was a very strong and intriguing chapter. One of the best things about it is you've given Val the mind of a writer. Her attention to detail and her thoughts around it does more for her character than any kind of narration about her could, because it shows us that she really is a writer.
This was a wonderful chapter, I'm really excited with where you've taken this and I can't wait to continue!!
JamiAuthor's Response: Ah, Jami, this review is massive and I just cannot thank you enough for it!
First of all... -sighs in relief- I really was worried that this chapter would be consider anti-climatic, with the story about the Peverell brothers only being a figment of a fictional character's imagination and all. So you have no idea how good it is to know that I can stop worrying about that now.
As for Alphard's magical status, there's a lot more to come about it. How common is having a squib in a family of Purebloods? It's something we'll come upon later on in the story and will be symbollic in a way... Or so I have planned anyway.
Actually, Valeria is Luna's daughter, so she's Lysander's sister. But you're following up on everything else perfectly! As for the fog around Jenny, it will start disappearing soon enough, I think. I'm trying in this story to allow the readers some space to make their own conjectures and make connections between what happens inside Valeria's head and what happens out of it. Hopefully, I'll manage to not make it confusing.
I'm glad you think that the various aspects of the chapter worked well together and made this chapter intriguing. You have no idea how that, especially coming from you, means to me!
Thank you so, so much for this wonderfully thorough and helpful review!
Okay so first, I'll just let you know my thoughts upon starting this chapter:
"Wait- an author's note.
And it all won't from there.
I was so not expecting this, never in the world! You are so original, I'm really loving this story ♥
I loved how you changed the writing like that, the person used and just style overall, going from softly fancy to casually sweet. You still kept those lovely descriptions and the actual action flowed well admidst her thoughts (whih can go into much rambling with 1st person pretty easily, an given her character...).
And I still love your characterisations. You'd actually be surprised that I've thought of it, Scorp having a squib sibling, because it's just perfect for the pureblood to change!
And it must be so hard for poor Alphard, I now see where Ignotus' characterization comes from!
Is it just me or are we revieweres sort of him and are you sort of asking us to be brutal and bathe you in CC? I'm sure not because there's no way we could be blunt with this story ;)
I really like rambling Val, and all her writing habits, it's quite easy to relate to *cough*not to mention I'm named like her*cough* :P
I have to admit, the first thig that came to my mind when he asked her to stand up was, "OMG, is he proposing or something?"
Then reality hit me and I realize there was Jenny. Was?
Anyway, I'm so intrigued, who is this Jenny and why I Val (lol that feels weird) writing this to Alphard?
Gah, please please update sooner, I love all your characters from both timeframe and want to meet more! And know what's going on!
Pretty pwease? :3
_val (yep, still feels weird)Author's Response: Hey Val! Honestly, I teared up in joy when I first got your review, and until now, I'm not really sure how to respond to your kind compliments! But I shall try! :)
I'm very relieved to hear that Valeria didn't ramble much. First person makes me worry about such things constantly! And I find the coincidence of the names' similarity very entertaining! So I'm glad you like her! I suppose no one wants to read about a mean character that has the same name!
And don't great minds think alike, now don't they? I suppose that's case here. When I first thought of this, I kept wondering if it's plausible at all, and once I felt that it is, even if just mildly, I was too attached to the plot to forgo it.
I hope you're enjoying the suspense, even if it's minimal. I'm trying to work with gradualism here and I'm just hoping that my withholding information doesn't confuse you guys.
I also hope I'll be able to update soon and I really do appreciate the enthusiasm! It really does encourage me to remain committed to this story!
Thanks again for the lovely review!
Hiya! living.free from TGS here to review for the review exchange! :) I like that you're writing about the Peverell brothers, especially since I haven't seen a fanfic on here about them. The Peverell brothers aren't mention much in other fanfics, nor are they really brought up much in the books (just in DH in the children's tale of the three brothers in the Tales of Beedle the Bard). It was also a unique spin on Ignotus's boyhood, however I have a bit of feedback on the dialogue in this to make; these characters as children aren't speaking like kids, but instead in rather complex sentences. For instance, the conversation that takes place between Ignotus and Anastasia; a six-year-old girl would not speak in such a formal way. I understand that people were more formal back in those ages, but I still would not expect children to speak to each other that way, nor would I expect Ignotus speak of Cadmus's behavior in misusing his magic at the beginning. But other than the unrealistic dialogue, the concept of the story is unfolding nicely. Keep up the great writing!Author's Response: Hello! First of all, thank you for this review! I really do appreciate the criticism; I do need pointers when it comes to novel-length stories.
As for the maturity of the characters, some of it has been put in there purposefully but at some points, it was unintentional. I have found a way to work with that though and hopefully, the characters will seem more natural in the following chapters.
Thanks again for the review! :D
-Manno Report Review
It's Rosie from the blue vs bronze review battle! :)
First off, the fact that the main character is Ignotus Peverell really intrigues me. I have never, ever read a story about the three brothers. So I find this really refreshing, and it's great that you're trying to write something that hasn't really been done before.
I really enjoyed the detail! It felt as if you painted a picture with words, and that's great. It made the story feel real.
I think this was a great first chapter because it doesn't tell the reader everything that's going on, and that keeps the reader interested.
I found Ignotus' characterization wonderful. He seems like a smart kid, and probably more mature than kids his age. I'll just have to warn you not to go too far with him acting mature, or else he'll seem weird if he acts too grown up. But overall, his character seems pretty solid and easy to understand.
This was a great start to your story, and it was very well-written and thought out. The only thing I would recommend adding/removing a few commas, since there are a few misplaced commas and they kind of ruin the flow. (Not too hard to fix, they're easy to spot.) But overall, this was great. :)
~RosieAuthor's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging review!
What mostly makes me happy is that you think the details were alright because description has always been my downfall, and I've been working hard to change that! :D
Also, I am trying my best to be cautious with those kids in the next few chapters and making sure that they're not overly mature.
I suppose that, yes, I do abuse commas... Thank you for pointing that out; I'll try to look over this and remove all the extra commas!
Again, thank you so much! :D
-Manno Report Review
In all of my perusals of the forums, I have never found a story like this!! It's brilliantly written, and I can't wait to read more!
Your characterization of the Peverell brothers was perfect. Antioch seems like the type who would use cruelty to get what he wanted, though I've never really contemplated the trio as children.
Ignotus is, by far, my favorite. You've pegged him perfectly. Maybe you did this on purpose, but it seems that your versions of the brothers have taken shape according to the gifts they chose in the story. I love it!!
I am quite curious to know which fatal disease Anastasia has. I have an inkling, but I don't really want to guess on this review in case I'm wayyy wrong. :) She's another excellent character.
The only bit of constructive criticism that I have is that sometimes in the beginning of the chapter, you used phrases that were a little awkward. It's mostly personal preference stuff, but I think that you could cut down on a few unnecessary words. Just a few, though. No big deal. :)
Anyways... Great beginning, and I hope you post the next chapter very soon!Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you for all of your unbelievably generous compliments; they made me squee!
Ah and Ignotus! Actually, Ignotus is based on someone I truly admire and it's always nice to see that you guys like him too. I also like Cadmus whom you guys haven't got much to see of yet! I hope that, as we delve further into the story, you guys like him as well.
Also, I'll try to see again to all of those awkward sentences and see how I can reduce the mess.
Thank you so much for this review! It means a lot to me! :D
-Manno Report Review
I'm really intrigued by this story and thankful I came across it! The fact that you're exploring Ignotus' younger years in a novel (I've seen many one-shots on this) and actually driving more attention to Anastasia is really great!
I'm not sure if it's canon, Hogwarts being there by tehe Peverel's time but I often get lost in timelines so please correct me if I'm wrong :)
I really like your characterizations, that talkative little girl and the Peverel brothers seem really realistic to me. Though maybe, just maybe, a tad older thanthey actually are. They seem very smart, and I'm not only talking about Ignotus, but his brother using 'arrogant' was quite a surprise. And Ignotus being that serious... Though it could just be because of the social level they live in and all that, just be careful not to make them overly smart.
I loved your descriptions. You payed attention to the smallest of details yet kept me wanting fo more with each word. Everything felt very formal, but I think it really fits the era and makes it all more endearing.
So overall, great introductory first chapter and keep your descriptions so beautiful like this!
Very curious of the next chapter :)
-ValAuthor's Response: Hello there! I think that my huge interest in the story of the Three Brothers is what initially encouraged me to write this story. I absolutely love all three of them and I'm glad to see that there are others who find them interesting as well.
I've also researched this before starting my story and Hogwarts is said to have been founded around the late 9th/early 10th century. And this story takes place after that as will be shown further on in the story. :)
I'm glad you like the characters that have been introduced so far; that's always great to hear! And I promise I'll try to be cautious with Ignotus.
Thank you so much for reading and leaving this lovely review! :D
Hi! I'm here for that requested review i owe you! Sorry it's taken so long, it's been a busy few weeks for me.
I've never read an Ignotius's story before, ever. So this is really interesting for me because it's such new territory. I think you began an interesting spot which seems to beg more questions than it answers. This is always good and i love first chapters that are a bit ambiguous and don't lay down everything. It makes me want to continue on with a story when the author does that because i feel like there is more to the story. I don't feel like I really know what to expect with this story or where you are doing with it. These questions will need to be answered soon but for a first chapter i think it's good to leave the reader guessing a little.
Your descriptions were good here actually. I felt like i could easily picture in my head the house and what was happening around them. Keep paying attention to detail and being able to describe what's happening around them and you shouldn't have to worry about anything. However, saying that, there were some grammar issues like misplaced comma's or just twisty sounding sentences that broke up the flow of this and sometimes made it hard to imagine what was going on. It tripped me up some so i'd suggest going back and maybe reading it out loud to yourself to keep iron that out. Although it is difficult to write with older english and to keep the story in that time period, it shouldn't be chunky which i felt at a few places it was.
I think Ignotus seems believable at this point. He does seem a lot older than his age and the only thing i can say is just be careful to not go overboard with it. For me, at this point it does not seem justified to why he's like this or what made him such a serious kid. I'd like to see that motivation at some point. However, i do think this has a good start on the character we know in canon. I just think that he'll need to be expanded on in later chapters for me to believe his wisdom.
I liked the feeling of this chapter, it seemed old fashioned and it worked for me. There was stiffness and formality in a lot of the relationships here which made sense to me as it's how i imagine those dinner parties would be. I liked how his interest in Anastasia evolved and how it was only when he realized that there was something that needed to be solved that he became interested in the conversation. That was a great piece of characterization for him and i thought that it was this interaction that gave a little of the plot away of the story and what we can expect from the story.
You switched POV's a few times in this chapter alone. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not but i just wanted to point it out. Sometimes POV changes work really well as long as it isn't too quickly and the transitions are intentional and smooth. I don't think there was too much of an issue of that in this chapter, but just keep watch out for that in later chapters as well :D
Thank you for requesting me! I hope you found this review helpful :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Thank you so, so much for this wonderfully thorough review! And I'm so sorry for taking this long to respond; I've been having a busy week as well. :)
First of all, thank you for all your compliments. It really is such a relief to hear that you thought this was an interesting first chapter. I'm never really good with beginnings... And I think some of the questions will be answered soon. Gradually, but soon.
Also I'm glad to hear that the description was okay here. As for the wonky-ness of the sentences, well, a bit after you've left me this wonderful review, an edited and beta'd version of the chapter appeared on the archive.I hope that some of this chapter's technical problems have been fixed in it.
And I'll try my best to not make Ignotus overly mature! I think we'll see him relax a little as the story moves on.
Again, thank you for the amazingly helpful review and thanks for reading!
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