This already sounds like it's going to be really good! I love the way you write.Author's Response: Thank you so much! This really made my day! :) Report Review
This is very interesting! I excited to hear about what you have in store for the coming chapters (and books) :)Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
hey its Whiskey again with one more review :)
I still really like the narrative voice. Your sentences flow nicely into one another and the word choice makes for an easy read.
The beginning of the chapter went on for a bit too long (if you see half of your family tense and worried, you usually save the questions for later? especially if you are the family of DUMBLEDORE, right?), but it was still well written.
My issues with your portrayal of Dumbledore are still relevant to this chapter, but it is really a personal opinion, not a fact, so of course you can ignore it if you want :)
He seemed just so... helpless here. I can't picture Dumbledore yelling "no" the way he did in this chapter, nor can I imagine that he would not have had a plan prepared since years, just in case Grindelwald were to find him. Isn't Dumbledore the man who is always at least two steps ahead?
But what do I know, JK actually had him saying "Ouch" in the books :P
So yeah, maybe experiment with different portrayals of Dumbledore...He is not an easy character at all! He has a difficult back story, with many mysterious bits that remain unexplained. And we were never really shown what went on in that brilliant mind of his...
Good luck :)Author's Response: Thanks again. This is another chapter I don't particularly like because the character's backstory seems so sad to me. I find it incredibly difficult to write things like this, and I'm glad that you liked most of it! I'm trying to portray Dumbledore in this way so that after all of this terrible stuff happens, he acts a lot less carefree. I assume that he did have some sort of plan that Diana didn't know about, (otherwise he wouldn't have taught her to duel without a wand at age 7), but because she hasn't figured it out yet, she can't comment on it. Report Review
Hey there! It's Whiskey with your requested review :)
I hope you don't mind if I merge the first chapter and this one into one review, since they are both quite short.
I really liked the first chapter. You placed the quotes quite effectively and set the tone. It is important to know why a story is being told, why it matters to the narrator and what we are to expect from it. You managed to evoke interest and created a point of identification with the reader. I actually wouldn't change anything (excpet maybe watch out for repetitions). So good job, basically :D
Now to chapter 2:
a few minor details:
1) "That explains all of the long names, but nobody understands why we do it." But she knows, right? Why not tell us?
2)"...and all of those things that you’d have to knock me out to get within a mile of." This is a bit awkwardly formulated.
3)"Unfortunately, my mother caught him, for I was very interested in seeing the result." This is confusing :P Are you indicating that she made him get caught or was disappointed that he got caught...?
I would also advise against the information dump at the beginning of the chapter. I realize that she is very fact-focused, given her photographic memory, but it's very difficult to keep track of all the new characters. I would advise you to mention the ones that will actually be relevant for the chapter and introduce the others later (such as all the sisters).
Since you specifically asked about this, I must admit it's difficult for me to imagine Dumbldore ever being married and having a huge family (with a wife that likes pink!), let alone sitting on the couch and watching TV while saying things such as "guts or something"...
Their family dynamic is a bit too similar to the typical suburban American home environment for my taste.
Although this is a much younger Dumbledore, the books seemed to imply that he was always studious and in his own little world, constructing utopias and researching new spells. He might have liked TV, but only out of intellectual curiosity. I think he would have looked for other ways to connect with his children (by maybe showing them some fun new gadget or spell, taking them on a trip, giving them a book, etc.). I doubt that he would just hang out with them, like a normal father would.
Basically, the chapter just seems a bit rushed and not thought out, but I'm sure it's easy to fix if you just go over it a few times :)
This story had a really promising start, so please don't let my review discourage you!
I'm off to the next chapter!Author's Response: Thank you so much for all of the critique. I personally don't like the second chapter very much, and wanted to go back and edit it once I finished the rest of the book. The only reason I wrote it was because 1. I needed to introduce the characters, and 2. I needed a cliff hanger for the next chapter. Now I know how to edit it and that the first chapter doesn't require editing. Thanks a lot! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection