Reading Reviews for Underwater Morgana
  
42 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ATLpaintingflowers Not From Around Here

14th August 2013:
Wow what a start! I really could not stop reading. The narrator gave just enough information to keep the reader hooked, but not so much as to give everything away. I had so many questions at the end of the chapter like: Why is a Russian witch going to Hogwarts? How does Draco Malfoy know who Morgan's family is? How does she know Theodore Nott? The plot is very interesting and engaging. Overall this is a well-written story. I really enjoyed it :)

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Review #2, by ShadowRose Of Order and Lies

3rd July 2013:
Hi Whiskey, I'm back again!

I really like the friendship that she has with the twins - it seems completely impossible, yet you seem to rationalize it perfectly here. I really like that you show that they push her to be perfect, when in reality, the twins are the least likely characters to get that out of anyone, yet it does for her.

The scene with Morgana LeFay was chilling. The description was excellent, and I really could see it all in my head. Add in the odd way that the painting was moving, plus the strange things that Morgana said, it creates a really vivid and fantastic scenes: one of your best yet, in my opinion. I'm really interested to see what kind of impact Morgana has on little Morgan, given their shared name and other similarities. That's a brilliant little subplot you've hatched here.

Speaking of subplots, I really love all the subplots you have brewing in this story. While the central plot is important to the story, the ability to seamlessly include multiple subplots in a story is what really sets it apart from others, and you do exactly that in this story.

Oh my gosh, what happened to poor Peeves? I sure hope he's still around, though, because he's always good for a little bit of trouble-making, just like you've shown in this scene here.

Morgan's losing-control episode has happened again, although this time it's worsened, in that she's actually doing magic with no control over it, rather than just making over Theo's face. I really like how you built on the event in last chapter with this one, and I'm interested to see what the outcome is, and what this magic she just used is, given that people had been trying to get rid of Peeves for ages, and she did it in one shot.

Overall, this was a great chapter, and feel free to re-request for later chapters! :)

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

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Review #3, by ShadowRose Troll Night

3rd July 2013:
Hi, I'm here with your requested review!

I really like how Morgan's grown in this chapter - she's much more vicious than I feel like she was before, which is a really important part to her character. Yet you still show her human side as well, particularly in her anger, when she lashes out at Hermione out of insecurity, and also after she attacks Theo with the makeup, when she seems almost guilty about what she did.

The bullying scene with the Slytherins was very well-executed, and I found Morgan's reactions perfect, because even though they weren't successful in getting the four to stop, they show that she was outwardly affected by what they were saying. Also, the comments made by Draco regarding her country of origin are a really interesting expansion on his previously known prejudices, and it definitely seems plausible that he would hold those kind of beliefs.

The scene with Hermione was another really brilliant idea, and expanded on her already-hurt feelings from Ron's comment earlier. I felt bad for Hermione, but Morgan kind of needed someone to lash out on, and Hermione happened to be the nearest victim. Now, I'm not sure how canon you're trying to make this, but I do believe that Hermione apparently spent the rest of the day crying in the bathrooms and skipping her classes after Ron made that comment (granted, I don't have the book with me at the moment, so I'm not entirely sure), so that doesn't fit with this scene. If you're not trying to make this canon, then feel free to completely ignore this comment.

Also, what happened to the narrator in this chapter? Maybe it was because there was a lot of action in this chapter, but there wasn't as much narration here. I kinda miss those creepy omniscient voices, haha.

The makeup scene was really effective, in an almost absurdist way. Even though she's just scrawling all over him with makeup, it really showed her more vindictive tendencies. The scene with the lipstick, where she pulls his lips into a smile, was really visual, and added to the whole thing. Also, this line - "She couldn't remember doing any of it. She knew could recall the sight of her hand holding the lipstick, but she could no longer connect that hand to herself." - was really intriguing, and also shows that darker side of her that comes out when she loses control, and I think(?) it's a hint as to future episodes like this.

The comment about her having a Dark Mark in the future was really interesting, although I never really pictured her as a Death Eater, but I guess she probably has a reason for it. I would suggest, however, moving this little section to after the incident with Theodore, because you said that she would reflect back on "this moment," and at the time, I was confused because I really had no idea what you were talking about. It was explained later, but it would have more impact after the scene rather than before it, in my opinion. However, this is your story, so feel free to structure it however you wish!

Overall, this was another great chapter!

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: hey!

Hm, you make a good point about the dark mark section. I actually added it in after the chapter was already written (getting impatient about having to hold out on all the darkness and doom ;)). It was kind of difficult to squeeze it in and you are right to notice that it doens't fit where I put it. I'll have to re-read that section sometime.

Aw, you miss the creepy narrator? That makes me really happy! I was actually worried people might be tired of all those frustratingly uninformative hints the narrator likes to give :P Actually, there was a tiny bit of narrator in this chapter, but mostly I put the flash-forward into the reserved narrator space (I'm trying to write shorter chapters :P).

No, Morgan doesn't seem like the Death eater type. And there will be a rather specific story leading up to her ending up with a dark mark. She may not be the type to search for an organized, masculine power source, but she IS the type to rebell against everything...

As to cannon, I guess I'm trying to be at least 60% cannon where I can? It's difficult to measure. But I decided to let Hermione go to classes because, as with the twins, Morgan's presence is bound to have changed something. Hermione is not completely alone anymore, after all, and so maybe she would have gotten herself together after Ron's comment, at least towards the evening, and was reduced to a toilette crying session for the second time by Morgan. It's a more complicated scenario, but it does explain why she was there again in the evening. I don't think anyone would manage to stay in the toilettes all day, right? Well, maybe they would, actually...

thanks for a great review, as always :)


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Review #4, by ShadowRose The Scary Kid

23rd June 2013:
Hi, I'm here with your requested review, although I have absolutely no excuse for the massive amount of time that this took.

I really love how you play around with Morgan's vulnerability in this chapter. It really shows that she's still a young girl who's easily embarrassed and affected what other people think of her. I really love when she's talking to Fred and George and they call her a love-struck girl, and she immediately thinks of Theo. These little moments of vulnerability are perfect, because they contrast so well with what we know Morgan is going to become.

I really like Morgan's friendship with Hermione, considering they're both a little odd and both ostracized from the rest of their House-mates, or classmates, for that matter. It's cool to see their paralleling personalities, but then Morgan has this other "dark" element that totally separates her from Hermione too.

The part about reptiles, grease levels, and Snape was hilarious. And Hermione's reaction was very her, as well. :)

I think it's funny that Fred was so much quicker to forgive Morgan than George. You can really tell that he doesn't trust her at all, as seen in that spider scene. He says, "just kidding," but the tension doesn't really go away, and it's obvious that he's not 100% joking, and that he's kind of stopped trusting Morgan.

Speaking of the twins, I love that they were experimenting with Wizard's Chess in the Hospital Wing and successfully found a way to explode the whole board - it's a very fitting thing for the twins to do.

I can't really think of anything to CC on in this chapter - it was really well-written and quite interesting!

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: haaai! ugh i'm so slow with answering, you are forgiven if I am!

It makes me happy to know that you enjoyed this chapter! I'll admit it's probably one of my favourites in the story so far. I tried to put a lot of subtle things into it that define the characters and their relationships to eachother.
Morgan and Hermione just made sense as colliding forces. They are both on the outside, but instead of uniting then, it only makes their differences more glaring. And yet they are sort of stuck with eachother. Their friendship is going to get only more difficult!

As to George, well, I think one twin needs to be suspicious. It can't be so easy to enter their little world, can it ;) As there is no Lee Jordan in my story (I must admit I was a bit too lazy to write him in. besdies, i guess he had to go to make space for Morgan), so the twins have actually always been on their own. Fred's interest in Morgan is, therefore, sort of a new development they had never dealt with, and it's a little bit too friendly sometimes, too ;)

I try to remind the reader about Morgan's human vulnerability and childishness because she is my little pet project ;) I'm hoping she can help redirect ideas evilness from that unconditional sadistic inborn type of evil to the kind that can emerge in anyone if the circumstances align in a particularly unlucky way. Morgan has many bad qualities, but I don't want those qualities to be the ones that push her over to "the dark side". Instead, I'm hoping to explore the conflict between her "good" qualities and her "bad", and how, in the right dosage, both can be dangerous. And I'm really thrilled that you enjoy reading about her this way!

thanks for another wonderful review!


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Review #5, by Lululuna Of Order and Lies

13th June 2013:
Hello again! :)

Ah, the plot thickens! I really liked this chapter, and your compelling, elegant and detailed writing style did not disappoint. I love how you personify Morgan, as this fearsome being who loses control yet is so fragile and sensitive, and underneath it all really wants to be accepted and liked. The way Morgan fights with the magic of paint and makeup is very unique, and I can't wait to see how you'll continue it!

I really enjoyed the interaction with Morgana LeFay, and I'm very curious as to how she'll continue to figure in Morgan's story. The descriptions of the painting, how the blobs of colours mixed to form a breathing, speaking sort of woman, were very vibrant and really created an image of what Morgan must have been seeing. You've done an excellent job of 'showing,' not 'telling,' here.

NOT PEEVES! :( Well, I'm optimistic he'll be okay... somehow...

As for the twins befriending Morgan, I think that in the separation of what we know about each faction I wouldn't have imagined the friendship working. Yet somehow you make them fit so seamlessly and really rationalize their mutual attractions to each other. After all, both the twins and Morgan are creators of sorts, and their bizarre relationship really makes sense. I also think you write the twins very naturally, and they're exactly how I would imagine them with the right amount of depth and individual personalities.

There is never enough magical weirdness! :) And I'm really glad you're continuing this story, I still feel like the building blocks are being laid out and you have such an interesting beginning with well-developed themes and characters. Yes, there are a lot of sub-plots and many details but you seem to have such a clear vision of where this story is going, and I'm excited to see where you take it! :D

Author's Response: hi again!

The twins and Morgan work you say? *phew!* ugh i've been worrying about that ever since I came up with this story. For me, they make sense. I suppose the presence of Morgan must change the twins a little bit, makes their conscience a bit darker and more aware of the destructive power of the magic they so love to mess around with.

In a way, all three are outsiders. The twins because they have eachother and hence actually don't really need society for a sense of self. Morgan, well, she doesn't HAVE a consistent sense of self and therefore will never be able to fit in. All three want to change the world, or at least strongly believe in their ability to challenge the status quo through their creations. While the twins may be more fun and careless and Morgan more heavy handed and much too serious, these are qualities that are easily exchanged and learned from...I think :P

Oooh, yeah the Morgana LeFay scene was fun to write! I'm really impatient to start writing all the weird Morgana scenes, but first as you noted, all the blocks must be layed out - so frustrating XD

I totally killed Peeves! ahaha, no i didn't :p You know I didn't because Peeves never dies! When the planet finally explodes he will just float off into space and find an alien race to torment, I'm sure.

thanks for this great review, I'll be stalking your review thread soon with a rerequest ;)


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Review #6, by Lululuna Troll Night

1st June 2013:
Hello, review tag! :) I've missed that devious little Morgan!

This was a great chapter, as per usual. I love learning more about why Morgan is the way she is, and the little hints of events in both her past and future. The half-completed dark mark was very intriguing, and I don't know if I see her as a death eater: she seems too independent, and not prejudiced against Muggleborns in the same way. Maybe she's prejudiced against the society which rejects her instead, and all the more dangerous for it.

You caught the bullying Slytherins spot on here, and I think Hermione and Morgan's reactions were perfect. It makes sense how upset Morgan is that she's not a Slytherin as expected, and I felt so sorry for her as she kept spluttering to defend herself and Russia, while nothing she can say is going to deter Malfoy or make him be nicer. The lashing out at Hermione was sad, but fit well with canon and the night of the troll, and it made sense for Morgan to take her anger out on Hermione when she was so upset.

Morgan's makeup attack on Theo was a bit strange, but I really liked it! I like how she's not violent, but tries to re-create things in her own comforting way. Her experience with the makeup made sense as a form of attacking someone... I wonder what Theo's going to think when he comes to?

I'm certainly still liking the story, and I hope I get a chance to get back soon! :) Great job as per usual!

Author's Response: hai! well, i'm just taking forever to answer these days - shame on me!

You know, I am always so happy to find a review from you :D I like your interpretations of the story and that you always manage to sneak some really useful feedback in there!

The death eater part I added after I had already had the chapter written for some time. It's one of those annoyingly incomplete flash-forwards that is intended to lead the reader astray, hehe ;) I will try to make it seem more, uh, dubious, I suppose.

I was so worried about the make-up scene. I myself had to sort of giggle when rereading it, because it's really an absurd thing to do. But awkward explosions of misguided fury are really Morgan-style :P I'm glad you liked it!

As to Malfoy's prejudices, well, I thought it was a logical step to turn pure blood supremacy from metaphorical racism into just actual racism. Besides, this is happening in the 80s, where the black and white thinking of the cold war prevailed. That said, while writing I did try to imagine some basic wizarding history that involves the russian and the british empires clashing over magical resourses! haha, well, that story is mostly about lots of angry men in fur hats batteling arrogant knights in burbon-red cloaks. And lets not forget the high-cheekboned femme-fatales sneaking formulas around in their corsettes and gazing fearfully out of carriage windows during snowy nights. I wonder if the world ever needs to read another one of those stories, but what I'm trying to say is, I really do see it fitting into the hp universe that eastern magical history might have clashed with western magical history - independent of but not contrary to muggle politics. I will be going into this more later in the story :)

thank you for another wonderful review!


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Review #7, by ShadowRose Potions Princess

11th May 2013:
Here I am, with your final review of this set! :)

I love how Hermione's portrayed in this. She's just so... well, Hermione. She's stuck-up, a bit of a know-it-all, and refuses to break the rules (or in this case, the instructions). It's a really accurate portrayal of her Sorcerer's Stone character. Which makes canon-loving me very happy. :)

Snape's also an interesting character here. He's very true to Rowling's description of him, and I can clearly see him doing everything you have written. His behaviour really makes me wonder if he'd be any different if Morgan were a Slytherin. Nonetheless, I wonder if he knew what he was doing in giving Morgan a book that dangerous.

Speaking of which, I like the slight parallel between Morgan and Snape, in that both of them learned the Dark Arts at a young age, and now Morgan's his student and comes to him for information.

Also, speaking of parallels (I'm drawing all sorts of connections...), is Morgna by chance supposed to be similar to Morgan le Fay? I started thinking about that as when one of the twins called her Fay, but I can already see some similarities, in that both stir up some trouble.

Ah, Fred and George. I think they're fantastic, because they add a bit of comic relief to an otherwise serious story. They also bring out a different side of Morgan, one that's a little weaker. First, with the prank on the train, and now, she's worried she can't come up with an answer.

I also think it's hilarious that she keeps pranking them. I think it'll be hilarious to know what comes out of the twins attempting to scrape a painting.

Also, this line - "She impaled another tomato and idly hoped that the twins wouldn't die." - is brilliant. It's subtly comical, and wraps up the scene really nicely.

The descriptions throughout this chapter were great, and it was pretty easy to envision everything. One little thing I noticed is that Snape requested an essay by word count, and I think they typically do it by inches or rolls of parchment. That might just add a little more canonical accuracy, if you're aiming for that. :)

Another excellent chapter, and feel free to re-request for more when there's a slot available! :)

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: hai!

(^.^) I never enjoyed writing cannon characters as much as in this chapter! It's wonderful to hear that you recognized them and felt that I did them some justice.

I like all the connections you're drawing! First, with Snape. Morgan and Snape are planned to have quite a difficult relationship, but they are similar, yes. I was always interested in the details and events that would make Snape tilt towards one side or the other of that grey line he always walks ;) And, well, I'll try to explore something similar with Morgan.

As to Morgana le Fay...that name is one big scary cloud that will be hanging over this story, I can admit that! It's great that you picked up on it already. I'm starting to think you might like what I have planned for later in the story and I really found your reviews helpful! I'll rerequest as soon as I see a slot open :D Thanks again!


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Review #8, by ShadowRose Making the World Disappear

11th May 2013:
Hi there, I'm here with the second review of the three!

I think it's really interesting how you put Morgan into Gryffindor, considering what's going to happen in her future and all. I also think it's interesting that Morgan's parents were no longer considered candidates to join the Death Eaters after Morgan was sorted into Gryffindor, because it just shows how strongly the House system affects everyone. You actually have a lot of potential to make some strong social commentary on the Houses and the like, and I really hope you take advantage of it! :)

Now that I think about it, you've already started that at the end of this chapter. The ending, where you talk about how, if her Sorting had gone differently, this could have all been avoided, is extremely powerful. It'll be really interesting to see how you plan on developing the influence Gryffindor will have on her, because it seems as though it will most likely be negative.

One thing I realized as I was reading this is that your narration style is really interesting, given that the narrator already knows the future, and can add in these really poignant comments occasionally, reminding the reader that yes, this young 11-year-old will someday become an extremely evil witch.

I like the scene between Theo and Morgan a lot. Theo is very typical of a boy with his parentage, and it shows in his actions and the way he behaves. It's also fun to see Morgan take on that more child-like attitude again, because it creates this lovely contrast between her youth and the evil brewing inside of her.

That last phrase was extremely fun to use.

One thing that I noticed is that right at the end, the narrator says, "But we digress." That may have been an error, or it may have been intentional, but I really like how it sounds like multiple voices are telling the story. It's almost reminiscent of the Fates. Wow, random mythology reference there...

My one little tidbit of constructive criticism is this: I really wish Theo could have been described a little more. We don't really know what he looks like, which makes it harder for the reader to envision the scene. Of course, it's not impossible, but it just makes everything just a little bit sharper. :)

Overall, this is another great developing chapter, and it'll be interesting to see how you build on it!

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: hahaha, yeah I loved reading that phrase. I think evil and brewing are words that must be said together always *puts on pointy hat*

Social commentary on the house system? YES! I intend to go there, that is a given. In terms of political consciousness, the entire arrangement of grouping kids based on certain class-like characteristics (elite, proletariat, intellectuals, etc.) is highly questionable.

Actually, the "we" was intentional! I had it a few times in the introduction part as well...I think. Unless you read it before my newest edit was validated :S hmm...

I will describe Theo. I've been planning to for a while, but I'm a bit afraid to mess with that scene because I just like it so much: Morgan's vulnerability, Theo's arrogance. *sigh* some day I'll gather the courage!

Thank you for anotehr wondeful review!


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Review #9, by ShadowRose A Comfortable Child

11th May 2013:
I'm here with your requested review! (Yes finally, two weeks later...)

I specifically didn't review the first chapter, like you asked, but I do think it was a great introduction to the story and gives the reader a sense of what the story's going to be about.

The descriptive section at the beginning kind of continues that whole feeling, and Morgan's still characterized as this darker character. I also like how the scene with Fred and George mixes this up a little.

Speaking of that scene, it really brings out another side of Morgan, one that is childish and playful, as seen in her enthusiastic reaction to her ideas. It really shows her as being more human than she was portrayed in the beginning, because no little girl is truly completely cold - there's always some of that childlike wonder. I also think that's continued when Fred and George play that prank on her, and she runs and cries in the bathroom. Even though she's a independent person, she's still, to an extent, dependent on other people's approval, much like a normal little girl would be.

One thing that I feel needed explaining was the fact that Morgan did put on some sort of makeup, because I was a little confused as to why they were freaking out that she was blue at first, because I had no idea where it cam from. Even if you just added something like, "She had just the right supplies for it too, right inside her makeup bag." after the words "... she was struck with an idea." That's just my suggestion, though.

I also love that she pranked them back, because it ends up proving some of the character traits described in the first paragraph. She doesn't like being seen as weak, and certainly doesn't like losing.

FAVOURITE LINE: "The female species has more secrets than we ever knew, eh Fred?" It's just so typical of something the twins would say.

I'm actually really interested to see how this story develops, and get to know all of the characters. It has a lot of potential already, so it'll be great to see how it builds. :)

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: hey!

Sorry for taking ages to reply! I loved your review :D I'm glad that you weren't put off by Morgan's actions contradicting the way she was described by the narrator. You are completely right to say that no little girl is ever completely cold. I put Fred and George into this story so that they can shake things up and hsow the human side, even if it's someone like Morgan. Only the twins can do that ;)

You make an interesting point about the make-up. In my head it made sense, but I suppose some clarity wouldn't harm the story!

thanks for the reivew


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Review #10, by Lululuna The Scary Kid

1st May 2013:
Hi, here from review tag, not that I needed an excuse to come back and read more of your story!! :)

I actually quite like the relationship Hermione and Morgan have. It reminds me so much of the Hermione from PS, who pretty much gets forgotten about when she gets more bearable in later books. I'm really curious to see how you'll develop Hermione in this story: if Morgan's presence means that she won't become friends with Harry and Ron, and how this will alter her character as we know her from HP. Oh, and Hogwarts, a History was a great touch.

I love this part: "There is a protection act against the use of reptiles with particularly high grease levels!" Morgan announced, holding back a laugh. "I think I'll write about that... Snape is bound to relate to it..." Witty Snape bashing always makes me laugh (not that I don't love Snape, of course!).

I still really like your narrator's voice and warnings about Morgan, and the fact that George is suspicious of her. It's interesting if the twins have different opinions of her, and I wonder if something will happen between Fred and Morgan in the future. I've never read a story where someone manages to come between the Weasley twins, but think it's a unique idea to explore and to give each twin more of an individual personality.

Aw, poor Morgan just wants to be normal! Also, while I still love your glimpses of the future of Morgan, I wonder if you're going to disclose any of her future actions and what makes her so dark? Even if it were just a few sentences hinting at some dark thing she does that correlates somehow with the events of the chapter: I think it would round out the statements about Morgan's future darkness a little more, and give the reader an image of her to grasp onto, even if the most important parts of the story are in the present. Again, just an idea that occurred to me! :)

Keep up the great work, and I can't wait to read more!! :)

Author's Response: Hai! Welcome back :D

When I came up with this idea, I actually had no plan for Morgan and Hermione (there was more of a Morgan versus Harry thing which is yet to come ;)). But as soon as I pictured the 11-year-old Morgan in Hogwarts, Hermione just popped up at her side. Weird kids band together, after all - but not always smoothly.

I'm glad you mentioned inserting some flash-forwards. I like how you pick up on these things, because that's exactly the structure this novel is intended to fall into, but only a bit later. There will be a tiiiny flash-forward in the following chapter, but the rest will have to wait. I'm actually quite impatient to write those parts, but they won't make much sense unless I first set up some crucial events. So for a while longer, the ominous voice will do waht it does best, namely reveal nothing, haha :D

Thanks for stopping by again. As soon as chapter 8 is up, I'll head over to your request thread!


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Review #11, by Illuminate Not From Around Here

27th April 2013:
Hi!! Review Tag!

The first few paragraphs are really spellbinding and chilling. It suggests so much for this Morgan's life, and suggests that she will have a life that impacts the Wizarding World on a Voldemortian scale (see what I did there?) and not in a good way.

You write with a really good sense of coldness and distance, which really gives it the tone and atmosphere it needs while not being shallow or bland. You have a poetic quality also which makes it really nice to read :)

Good cliffhanger, and lots of intrigue about what's to come- the qualities you definetely need for an opening chapter/prologue :)

Great job!

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Review #12, by Lululuna Potions Princess

26th April 2013:
I'm back!! :)

Okay, so I love how Hermione is portrayed. She is exactly Hermione from Philosopher's Stone: a pompous little perfectionist who nags everyone. I could practically hear that little bushy-haired girl chiming in my head.

Snape is great too, he's so passive-aggressive and constantly irritated and it made me laugh. I wonder if he would have treated Morgan differently if she was in Gryffindor?

I'm going through a minor crisis of whether I like Morgan or not. While she's supposed to turn into some dark force, I find her feisty personality relatively likeable. I think this is what you're trying to do, however: write a balanced story that encourages readers to think about what it means to be good or evil and the little details that go into mediating these binaries. It's really cool, and you've done a great job with creating a rounded character who develops even more with each chapter.

Also, I was wondering if your story will allude to the story of Morgan le Fay, judging by the choice of Morgan's name and perhaps how George said "Thank Fay!" Also, since your title is "Underwater Morgana," all kinds of ideas and symbols revolving around the mischievous Morgan from the Arthur tales began floating around in my head!

One tiny little CC, and I'm really searching here, is that usually at Hogwarts they'd get assigned essays by inches of parchment or rolls of parchment, not by words, so you could consider changing that when Snape assigns Morgan the essay. Really though, I wish I could give more helpful advice but your story is so very well-written and doesn't really need any! :)

Anyway, this was another great chapter, and I'm still very excited to see where this story is going. Keep up the lovely writing and feel free to re-request!!!

Author's Response: Haiii!

YES! yes there will be Morgan le Fay! So happy you picked up on these little hints :D
...Well, ok, it's going to be my own, slightly whacked interpretation, but the Arthurian Morgan le Fay has been bent out of shape countless times before, so why not again, right?

I'm glad you found Snape and Hermione believable! And as to Snape's treatment of Morgan - knowing him, I'm sure Morgan would not have gotten away with being such a brat no matter what house she was in, haha

Minor crisis? hurrah, goal achieved :D It may sound like I want to torture my readers, but I was going for exactly this. You put it very well when you mentioned escaping binaries and exploring the details that connect them. That's basically what this story is about: Morgan being pushed back and forth by the different forces she enounters in her life, taking in the good and the bad, and giving out her own, twisted but legitimate interpretaion. It's basically one big ode to relativity :P The most unsettling thing, after all, is the kind that doesn't conform to a neat and familiar pattern.

As to your CC - *facepalm* ugh,of course! These details are important and I always get sad when other writers forget to make Hogwarts sound magical - how could I forget in my own story?

Thank you, again, for all of your wonderful reviews! They are really appreciated and made me super happy :D You'll be seeing more of my requests for sure!


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Review #13, by Lululuna Making the World Disappear

26th April 2013:
Hi, so I'm back to review the next chapter of your fascinating story!!!

I think its so interesting that Morgan is in Gryffindor, especially with what you've revealed about her future. Your story just enhances the point that not all Slytherins are bad and not all bad guys are Slytherins, and I'm excited to read how you develop Morgan as a Gryffindor who went wrong.

Again, I love your use of the narrative voice of... third person omniscient? Haha, my technical English terms are not up to par, but the narrator who already knows all about Morgan and gives the reader little hints. This really gives your story a unique voice. For example, I loved the line:
"In the years to come, Morgan would often lock eyes with this boy as the two passed each other in a corridor or settled down on opposite sides of a classroom. Something unspoken would always remain between them." It was the perfect way to transition from Morgan's Sorting to her memories, and gently reminded the reader that the future is already set.

The idea of the former Death Eaters scoping out Morgan's family was very well described, and I thought it was interesting how they chose not to recruit the family because their daughter was a Gryffindor. I guess that shows how important house division was to them, and it will be interesting to see how Morgan breaks those down or conforms to them when she becomes a dark witch.

The anecdote with Theo was actually pretty cute, in a haughty eleven year old kind of way! I like how you've set up his role in her life and hinted at how this affected the way she's turned out. I'm also intrigued to learn more about Theo and what he actually thinks about Morgan!

In your request you asked about pace and flow. Although the last few chapters have been about setting up the characters and context, I think you've still done an excellent job with building the plot at a natural rate and holding the reader's interest. You're very talented with intercutting background and character action/dialogue, so I wouldn't worry about the flow at all! :) For example, this chapter was perfect in the way that it set up the Sorting, which is an important part of every young wizard's life, but also especially relevant to her future and to her rapport with Theo, so even though not a lot of actual time passed within the chapter it was important for the story.

On to review the next chapter now!! :)

Author's Response: hey again! :D

Yes, it's very important for Morgan to be in Gryffindor! I've set my sights high, but I want to try and transcend/criticize the entire house system with this story. Let's see how messy that gets, but it's worth a try :P

As to the Death Eater scouting - I've actually often wondered if the pure blood families might have some sort of custom for quickly integrating new families into the existing social environment - sort of like Hogwarts does with the house system. Imagine how difficult it would be to keep up the polarazied political environment of wizarding Britain if one could chose to be not care about these conflicts?

Ah, Theo...That scene was such a pain to write. I cannot possibly remember what it was like to be 11 and to have a crush! But I do recall it being very confusing :P
Theo is an interesting and mysterious character in the books...which gives a writer lots of freedom to experiment. It's nice to finally get the chance to involve him in a story. As to what he thinks of Morgan, well...I suppose you'd have to read on to find out ;)

Thank you for your comments about the flow and the effect of tha narration. My greatest fear is that the story may be much too slow and heavy to keep the reader entertained while I set up all the necessary plot-lines. If you think that so far the style seems to work, then I'll rest assured :)



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Review #14, by Lululuna A Comfortable Child

25th April 2013:
Hello, back for your next review!

You certainly did not disappoint after the exciting first chapter! I loved the scene with the twins, and I think they'll add a balance of humour to your story which otherwise seems rather dark and pensive so far. I thought the twins were personified perfectly: how they play off each other, but also have their own personalities ad interactions. Poor Morgan, I can understand why she was so upset, even though it was pretty typical Weasley twin behaviour. I loved the line:

"The female species has more secrets than we ever knew, eh Fred?"

I'm interested to know if Morgan will help them with other products for WWW, since she seems to have an aptitude for creating things.

Another great line was:

"Soon Morgan was giggling like a normal little girl, happy to get attention from older boys and letting the excitement go to her head."

This really shows the depth of her character, and how she is easily manipulated and emotional just like any little girl. This is a good example of showing, not telling, the reader what a character is like, and letting the reader come to conclusions in their own head. However, I'm not sure if the word "normal" quite works, as it hasn't yet been completely established (at least for me), that she is exactly abnormal, and normal is a relative term. Maybe "carefree" or "careless" or even "any other little girl" ?

You have some amazing descriptions here as well, like when the blood is coming off her face. It's clear that you put a lot of thought into your word choice and descriptions, and it really pays off. :)

There was something I was confused about, the first being how old Morgan is in relation to Harry and the gang. For some reason from the first chapter I got the impression that Malfoy and Theo were already at least second-years, but then I figured it out when F&G were revealed as third years. Maybe that was just me, though! :)

Also, I really liked the characterization at the beginning when the narrator was talking about Morgan's past, especially the line about how she would go home and feel alone. I know that she's a diverse person with complicated feelings, but I did find that section a little confusing in getting a clear reading on her. So she listens and tells stories and plays along with people... but she's also unattainable. She's self-sufficient... but she's spoiled. I think a good way to strengthen that section would be to add in specific examples of her demonstrating those traits: not necessarily going into detail, but like "when Tommy from London showed her his Daddy's pet Hungarian Horntail, she pretended to marvel at the wicked beast, then scoffed silently behind his back." Or whatever. :P That's just an idea though! :)

I also have a suggestion for the line where she asks the twins "what am I, just some rat?" You might consider changing it to "lab rat," as it took a moment for me to make the connection. Not sure if wizards would have labs or lab rats though... maybe they experiment on Flobberworms? Hmm...

Feel free to ignore any of these suggestions, whenever I read a piece I really adore I get inspired and come with all kinds of ideas... but really, your chapter is wonderful with or without any changes. Hopefully you liked this review, I'll get to your next two chapters when there's time, hopefully sooner than later. :)

Author's Response: Hey!

Ah, yes, this chapter. I'm not too happy with it myself, actually. There was a very clear image of Morgan's balance of coldness and vulnerability in my head, but I see now that something went wrong when I tried to transfer it into words :P I'll do my best to fix it! What I meant was that Morgan couldn't connect with new people as soon as they viewed her as someome "from somehwere else", because it's a rather limiting role, and it alienated her. That is also where both the independence and the spoiled-ness come from - she has become too arrogant to befriend people but is sheltered enough to live out this little rebellion if she wants without many social consequences... Eh, yeah, this needs examples :P I'll get on that, then.

You make a good point about the use of the word "normal". Not only is it slightly odd here, it's also just not a good word to be using in a story that is supposed to deal with moral grey-areas, is it...

As to your questions, Morgan is in Harry and Co.'s year. It's not very clear at all, true. I'll think of some way to sneak in the info.

Thank you for the CC! I really appreciatie it :D

Oh, and yes twins!!! F&G are so much fun to write! Too fun, actually. Poor narrator can't keep up the bleakness when those two enter the room.
I really enjoyed putting Morgan on the other side of their prank/invention-testing. No one seems to think about how terrifying it must be to have unknown magic mess-up your body, no matter how harmless...It's got to be scary as hell!


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Review #15, by Lululuna Not From Around Here

25th April 2013:
Hello, here for your requested review!! :)

I know you said to skip reviewing this one, but I liked it so much that I felt it deserved a review!! But don't worry, I'll still review all three of the upcoming chapters. :)

This is such an intriguing start to a story! First of all, I really like the narrative voice here, how it shifts from addressing the reader with wider statements about Morgan, and then to her childhood experiences. I think it's such a clever structure, and it definitely increased suspense for me, as you can continue to build the picture of what Morgan has become in the reader's head while simultaneously revealing the chronology of her life. So, amazing job with that!

You have a really beautiful voice as a writer, and your words are very powerful. I loved these lines: "This is not a story of her dark glory. That part is always the same, so why tell it? Instead, allow us to introduce you to who she was when she was still one of us. Back then, she was just a moody teenaged girl named Morgan who liked to provoke and to play. Maybe she was just trying desperately to connect, or maybe she just liked to break things. Maybe she was just dazed and confused, like so many others." These words are so simple, but create strong images and yearnings in the reader to read more and understand why Morgan is this way.

Also, it made me wonder who exactly the "us" is that you're addressing, and if the narrator itself has any significance to the storyline. It would be very cool if the narrator was revealed as someone who knew Morgan!

Anyway, I'm very excited to read more of this story and find out more about Morgan: both about her childhood and how it interacts with canon, and about her mysterious dark future. :)

Author's Response: Ah!
*squeal* so many reviews! You're amazing!

I'll try to answer them all before my head explodes from the excitement :D

First, thank you for the wonderful compliments! Nothing makes me happier than knowing that my story has reached an appreciative audience - means I must have done something right :D

The narrative voice (and the narrator behind it) is actually one of those stylistic things that I didn't give too much thought to before I started writing. In the later chapters, it becomes less prominent and sometimes even steps back completely and lays off the ominous warning for a while. But I plan to bring back the narrator(s) later on in the story, towards the end ;)

Thank you for your input on the introduction. I had altered it quite a lot, actually, never sure how to find the right balance between dramatic and accessible. I also quite like it now, actually, with the simple language but weighty subject-matter. Glad you aggree!


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Review #16, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Potions Princess

15th April 2013:
Hi Elphaba here again!

Okay, I enjoy reading anything with Snape acting like Snape in it, so I was very happy to see his appearance in this chapter. :) I do question a couple of things in the potions class section, though. First, I have a hard time picturing Hermione allowing herself to be upstaged in the classroom. I think she might actually be a bit more aggressive about making her lab partner follow the instructions in the book, and might possibly even tattle. I also wonder whether Snape might act more overtly nasty to Morgan, like he is to Hermione -- she is a Gryffindor, after all. I also question whether he would loan her a book from his collection for homework; instead I think he might just tell her the topic and expect her to find all the information on her own in the library. She could very well dig something up in the restricted section that would lead her to the discovery that you describe, and it would still be partially his doing.

As for the lunch scene with Fred and George, I didn't find anything to complain about. :) I think you get the twins just right in this scene. I love their three-way dialog, and also the way you tie in Hermione's earlier accusation that Morgan is just like them.

Hmm, I wonder how their little experiment will turn out, (other than them possibly getting high off of paint fumes)?

Author's Response: Hey again!

Hm, you make some very good points! I just reread the first part and Hermone doesn't really sound like herself at all, does she?...I guess I was trying to demonstrate just how good Morgan is in potions, and contrasting her against the overachieving Hermione seemed like a reliable way to get this accross. I suppose her characterization had to suffer here, poor thing, but I will get right on to fixng it, so thanks for pointing it out!

As to Snape, well...*sigh* I also wondered about the likelihood of him going through any extra effort when punishing a student, but he is very strongly involved in this particular subplot, so I decided to throw him right in from the start. Besides, in my imagination, that book was this boring and outdated law manual, so *having* to work with it instead of finding something else in the library seemed like a real snoozefest to me! I'll see to it that I make this clearer. Again, thanks so much for pointing it out!

So happy you enjoyed the twins! I'm always pretty nervous writing them as they do have a very dedicated fanbase (myself included).

Thankyou for your wonderful reviews! I'll be rerequesting for sure.


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Review #17, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Making the World Disappear

15th April 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here! It's been a long time since I read the first couple of chapters, but I remember being intrigued by Morgan. Thanks for asking me to stop back and read more of the story!

You do a great job of building suspense with narration in this chapter. From the clues you've supplied, I'm guessing that rather than pureblood vs. muggleborns, the nature of her future crimes will focus on the practice of magic itself?

Everyone tends to view being sorted into Slytherin as a sign of trouble to come, so I find it refreshing that Morgan's sorting into Gryffindor is a key turning point here.

I think the scene at the Nott's house is very well-written, and was fascinated by the contrast between the gathering that she experiences (a boring afternoon tea that she escapes; a confusing, failed romantic attempt) and its purpose as a Death Eater recruitment party.

I'm also anxious to know what she will do to disturb that nature of magical existance. What is all of this foreshadowing leading up to? I understand that this is the purpose of suspense; to grab you and pull you breathlessly toward the inevitable, tragic conclusion, but I can't help wanting to cheat and peek ahead. ;)

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for coming by, I'm glad I could get you hooked even a little bit :D

Yes, I had Morgan sorted into Gryffindor for many reasons, one of them being to question the house system as a whole. I'm glad you like it and don't think it seems forced.

Ah, well I can't go giving things away, now can I ;) But you are correct in asuming that future conflicts will go much beyond the pureblood insecurities we have come to know and love in the books, hehe.


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Review #18, by CambAngst Making the World Disappear

12th March 2013:
Hi, there! It's been ages since the last time I read a chapter of this story, so I'm glad that the Gryffindor-Slytherin review battle gave me a chance to come back to it.

I liked the way you wrote Morgan's sorting. The hat isn't fooled by her facades and it isn't afraid to call her out a bit on her less noble qualities. At the same time, the hat isn't omniscient. It doesn't know what lies in her future and it doesn't pretend to. It only knows what lies in her heart and her present.

You did a really good job of writing the stuffy, unpleasant pure blood social gathering and Morgan's reaction to it. The lens that she and Theo see their parents through was really neat to see when you put it in this context. It's nice to occasionally strip away the filter that the Slytherin kids are written through in the books and see that they are just children, at some level. The same sorts of things excite them and they have the same reactions to being bored and cooped up for too long among adults whose conversations don't interest them.

Wow! So Morgan acted on pure impulse and even lowered herself to seeking Theo's approval. For some reason, I see this becoming a recurring theme in this story. She's so strong-willed and independent and unwilling to show weakness, but on the inside she desires the approval and acceptance of others. It's easy to relate to.

Let's see, what else? So she is clearly a very talented young witch. Learning almost 60 spells before even arriving at school... I'm not even sure whether Hermione was at that point.

As far as what constructive criticism I can offer, I think that sometimes you give a little too much away in your omniscient narrator's voice. I think the idea of somebody reducing the world to chaos by giving magic to the muggles is a brilliant idea, and I feel like you probably should have held onto that and revealed it much later on. It would have made an awesome moment when she settles on that as her ultimate plan for taking revenge on the world.

Overall, your writing is really lovely. You really excel at the sort of dark imagery that surrounds Morgan. The story was really engaging and the chapter didn't feel nearly as long as it was. I didn't see a single typo or grammatical problem in this.

I have to remember to get back to this story more often!

Author's Response: Hey! I'm so glad you came back! And I feel aweful for taking this long to reply, but, you know, life :P

I love the way you really think about Morgan and try to imagine her character, because you really are spot on, once again :D One of her most defining features is the constant conflict between the fear of others and the longing for their approval. I actually chose to make her travel so much as a child in the hopes of accentuating this conflict even more.

You are right about the portrayal of Slytherin children as some sort of mini adults (and the worst kind at that). I also believe that they are just children in the end and cannot be villified in the same way as their parents.

I actually got quite some critique concerning Morgan's highly developed magical abilities - which surprised me since I did make Theo know about just as much as her. As purebloods, these kids are likely to have been taught magic much earlier than Muggle borns such as Hermione. Besides, I imagine the laws in other countries are different and, for some reason, a Magical Kindergarten somewhere in Moscow just keeps pooping in my mind :P

I took your advice into account about revealing too much and that section. I actually plan to reveal the future in flashforwards, so I wasn't bothered by the fact of having told what happens... but reading back, I didn't like the way it sounded, so thank you for pointing it out!

Thank you for the thoughtful review and I hope you come back for more :)


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Review #19, by Jimmy Of Order and Lies

12th March 2013:


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Review #20, by caoty Not From Around Here

5th January 2013:
Hey, I'm here from Review Tag.

So I'm a little unsure what to make of the concept so far - first chapters tend to do that to me - because, on one hand, I love stories about Dark Lords and Ladies and the like, and about the general messed-up-ness of Wizarding society, which is what your summary seems to be promising. On the other hand, however, AU Russian girl with an implied chaotic and abrasive streak has an immediate dislike for Draco Malfoy, ends up getting Sorted into Gryffindor, becomes Dark at some point maybe... well, I've seen that before, and it tends to end up awful.
I should probably have more confidence in your writing ability than that, but still.

Okay. Now onto the actual chapter.

Your use of your mysterious, dramatic, assumedly unreliable narrator is interesting. Ze's drama leads me to assume ze is or has been fairly close to Morgan, at least enough so to be able to piece together her story or make it up entirely, so I'm guessing they're one of the students in Hogwarts era... am I close?

Your opening is nothing short of beautiful. It gave me a real sense of how committed the narrator is to this whole thing (in fact, I'd say this chapter seems to be far more about the narrator than it is about Morgan herself), but at the same time, it feels like zir hands are tied, because ze 'must' welcome it rather than wants to. I don't know, am I reading too much into this? It's pretty damn good, anyway, and your use of imagery and the analysis of the Wizarding world's reactions to people like Voldemort and Grindelwald is particularly effective.

You've got some really cool descriptive sentences throughout, especially this one:
The only way Morgan knew that they werenít a poster was that her mother was a little bit taller than her father, and it was her firm grip that led the distracted man at her side, not the other way around.
You know the whole "a picture is worth a thousand words" thing? Totally applies here. With that one image, you've shown us the level of Morgan's alienation from her family, as well as the power dynamic between her parents.
...as well as the whole "how does an assumedly external narrator know what Morgan's thinking" thing. That too.

The initial meeting - more specifically, the not-meeting - between Theodore and Morgan is a refreshing change from the usual canon character/OC fics wherein they come across each other and instantly despise each other, or instantly become friends. Basically, your eleven-year-old characters are actually eleven years old. I couldn't do that, so well done there, too.

...and you end it all with the promise of mayhem and/or war when she comes across Gred and Forge! Sounds fun, though I'm not sure why Lee Jordan ain't there too.

Anyway, well done for a fairly interesting first chapter, and you may see me around in the future to catch up with the rest of this.

Author's Response: Hey!

What a wonderful review! :) Thank you for your compliments on the narration! I am going to try and pull that streak throughout the story just because I really like the narrative voice...as to who the narrator is, that will remain a secret for a while still ;)

I do hope you come back to read some more, because I would be very curious to see your opinions on how I develop the story further. You will probably hate it that I left out Lee Jordan all together, but otherwize, since you aren't a big fan of dark boy-broken girl shipping it seems, you might have a thing or two to say about the way this particular ship will develop!

You sort of freaked me out with this, though :P "AU Russian girl with an implied chaotic and abrasive streak has an immediate dislike for Draco Malfoy, ends up getting Sorted into Gryffindor, becomes Dark at some point maybe... well, I've seen that before, and it tends to end up awful." Could you tell me which story has that same constellation? I was under the impression that my story was not too typical and would like to inform myself as to what else has ben done in this direction :)

Well,thank you for a great review, you pointed out a few useful things


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Review #21, by Gabriella Hunter Not From Around Here

27th December 2012:
Hello!

I'm here with your review to finish up our swap and I'm really sorry that I didn't get here much sooner. I was being fat and ate too much yesterday and well, let's just say that my stomach is bigger than it should be. :p
I'd wanted to check out this story immediately after you spoke about it in your lovely review for my story "Need" (I still blush reading it by the way).
Thre have only been a few stories that I've read with Theo/OC characters but I never read one quite like this.
The first few opening chapters make me a little uneasy because I'm getting the sense that this story might not be as light and fluffy as some of the other stories I've read. The feeling that things wwere being told from someone else's POV was really interesting, adding a bit of mystery to the story that I thought was really unique. Usuallly, the main character starts off the story but I could obviously see that this wasn't going to fall in line with that technique.
I really did enjoy the first few glimpses of Morgana that you gave us. Her encounter with Draco (Fangirls) was a breath of fresh air and I loved that you gave us just a hint of her heritage. I was relieved that she wasn't fawning and swooning all over him just because he was a wealthy pureblood and I think Morgan might be my best friend right now. Hahaha.
What I also enjoyed was the sly little future references to how Morgan would be. I'm really curious to know how her character develops and oh, goodness, she ran into my favorite twins!
Just so you know, I'm a HUGE fan of George so I sort of blacked out with envy at her luck! Hahaha.
Curious to know how their interaction is going to be because she doesn't seem to be a very open person and the twins are, you know, the twins. Hahaha.
Will they annoy her to death? Haha.
Anyway, this was a good read and I didn't spot anything that needed to be changed or looked over and I'm glad that I stopped by!
I'll see you on the forums!
Much love,
Gabbie

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Review #22, by TheHeirOfSlytherin Not From Around Here

27th December 2012:
Really interesting start to what looks like an interesting story. Morgan seems like a character you have to be unsure of, wondering what they're going to do. I don't know whether to like her or not yet, but she's sitting with Fred and George, so points there. No one can not like Theodore Nott, he's awesome.

This first chapter has more wanting to know more already and I'll be checking this out for more.

Sam.

Author's Response: Hey! Glad you like it and thank you for taking the time to let me know! Do come back for more :D

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Review #23, by ashleydelacour A Comfortable Child

20th December 2012:
Hello there! Here's your requested review! I didn't realize I actually had it all read, but for whatever reason, didn't write a review when I finished. Anyways, here it is:

I think the characterization of Morgan would make sense in the rest of the chapter, but it seems a complete 180 from the little prologue at the top. You stated that she had no weakness, moved around a lot, and was unattainable. To me personally, that doesn't seem like someone who knows how to socialize well, especially since she's moved around a lot. Being this way isn't bad, but I don't think it is necessarily realistic in her friendliness and openness with Fred and George right off the bat, and I sort of questioned their eagerness to test on someone they met five seconds ago, even though I totally acknowledge that they tested on first years. I just feel like the risk would be too high on a train full of hundreds and hundreds of students.

Apart from the prologue relating to the rest of the chapter, I did like Morgan. She's fun, playful, and I enjoyed her payback with the makeup trick, it sounds like they're all going to be good friends if she came up with that herself.

Other that that conflict, I didn't see anything else wrong with the chapter. I didn't notice any spelling errors, grammar or anything super technical like that, just the inconsistency from the first part to the rest of the chapter.

And regardless of what the other reviewers are saying, I don't really see the issue with the beginning being italicized. In all honesty, I think its appropriate, as it signifies a that what it is is a prelude, so I think it sets up the reader in the state of mind that they're reading a little back story before the present story works.

Its ultimately your story, so you do with it what you wish! :)

-ashleydelacour

Author's Response: Hey, I'm so sorry for the late response!

You make a good point about Fred and George not wanting to test their products on the train...hmmm. Well, I guess I can wing it and say that Morgan seemed clueless enough for them to get away with it ;)

As to her opening up so quickly, another good point! I have in the meantime adjusted the text to explain that it was the way Fred and George acted that relaxed her. She was used to people grilling her with questions (Like Malfoy in the first chapter), but they were open and just accepted her. Hope that explains it.

Thank you for your review :)


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Review #24, by Meg Troll Night

17th December 2012:
I absolutely LOVE this. What a wonderful idea! The next Morgan Le Fay, folks! :D Please update soon!

Author's Response: Hello Meg!

Yay, thank you so very much for this! I cannot say how much it means for me to know that people are reading and enjoying my work :D:D

You are completely right to say that Morgana Le Fay will be an important inspiration in this story...More will become clear soon, so stay turned :D

Cheers!


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Review #25, by teh tarik Troll Night

16th December 2012:
Arrrggh. Wrote a rather long review for you then pressed backspace to erase a word and the whole page went back instead and arrrgh. Lost everything. :(

Anyway, hello there Whiskey :) Returning your wonderful review for the holiday swap. And I'm really glad to find this story's been updated!

And wow, things are definitely picking up in this chapter! The pacing seems to have sped up and there's plenty of action. Also, I'm happy to see that there's more than just surface action; you really are developing Morgan's character, particularly her angrier and more vindictive side. There's definitely a dark undercurrent to the events of this chapter, and there's plenty of tension and conflict. And I'm glad you managed to surprise me with Morgan's impulsive actions - particularly her umm...vandalising of Theodore's face :) I really like the idea that this side of her is starting to express itself (and possibly hint on spiralling out of control in the future) - She couldn't remember doing any of it. She knew could recall the sight of her hand holding the lipstick, but she could no longer connect that hand to herself. This was very well done (although there's some sort of error in the last sentence). You made her actions very convincing through the detail of your narrative e.g. the part where Morgan pulls Theodore's lips and releases them. That was grotesque and a very striking scene, but entirely believable! I can really imagine her doing that. I think the details are one of your strongest points of your narrative; your ability to evoke a scene where people move and act and talk realistically is great. I also appreciate the careful (but not overdone) description of the painting of Morague. It's very very well-written. (is this a real picture or did you make this up? I wouldn't know.)

I also enjoyed the way you fit your story around canon, in particular, the events of Philosopher's Stone. I feel terribly sorry for Hermione, knowing that she had to endure not just Ron making fun of her but Morgan as well. And Malfoy ragging on Morgan's cultural differences was very convincing as well. You've certainly expanded on Malfoy's prejudices very well.

I was wondering if this chapter had a little too much in it. This is somewhat similar to the critique you left for my story :) But anyway, there are so many significant moments here - and by that I mean scenes which you've gone into some level of detail to depict. There's the faerie bit, the part with Malfoy, the part where Morgan lashes out at Hermione, the part with Theodore, and finally the twins and troll bit. It does flow very smoothly, but by the end of the chapter, some of the earlier moments are forgotten, or pale in comparison with more recent events. E.g. the faerie part. And this is a shame because you obviously went to certain lengths to write the scene. I'm wondering if it will fit better in a different chapter, especially one with a slower pace.

I would also suggest you pay close attention to your sentences; some of them are rather clunky and awkward sounding. e.g. Morgan was blankly glaring at the back of the blond head in front of her. It belonged to a bony body in black robes and was bent over one of the many tables that lined the amply windowed wall of the library. Not sure how someone could "blankly glare", as blank sort of implies lack of focus, while glare suggests intensity of focus. It's a rather ambiguous and oxymoronic description. And also, the second sentence was very heavy with the adjectives. Sentences like these can make the narrative a little hard to get through; perhaps breaking them up further or losing a few unnecessary adjectives might do the trick.

What happened to the narrator? Either he or she became a lot more subtle or just wasn't present in this chapter...:) I can't remember if there were chapters where the narrator was completely absent...

And there are some errors here and there: the late-night Herbology lesson was scheduled after dinner, and yet by the end of the lesson, it was only just beginning to become dark. Additionally, you described this as the "cool blue light of dawn". Also, would a greenhouse have "opaque windows" and "soft curtains"? Unless this was mentioned in the books and I can't remember :) Also, the Molass or Monass (you provided two different spellings, each mentioned only once) feels more like an animal rather than a plant - and they're described as "creatures" and all. Isn't this a Herbology lesson? I guess things like Mandrakes are pretty alive and sentient, but they do have plant characteristics like leaves and all.

Finally, there are typos and grammatical errors here and there. Your prose is generally very fluid and well-written, so these errors do stand out.

Anyway, I actually had other stuff written in...but it got erased. A bit miffed at that :( But this was a fantastic chapter! It really is getting exciting and I'm beginning to see Morgan grow into that dark person she'll become. Great characterisation. Well, hoping to see more of this story soon! Hope I've been of some help and not too critical or anything. And thanks so much for choosing to do the swap with me :)

-teh

Author's Response: Ui, oh no! I hate it when that happens! It is at times like that, that I wonder whether we have already reached singularity ages ago and if the fully sentient computers are secretly laughing at us pathetic humans...

Well,now I know to appreciate your review even more, since you actually went back and typed something for me anyways :3

I'm overjoyed that you think i've managed to characterize Morgan well here.I was actually regretting putting up this chapter without tweaking it as much as I thought I should have. It was basically a rough draft, but I just really, reeeaally wanted to update this stroy, it had been months since it had seen any activity and I was so proud of myself for having written something!

It's a relief to know that the "face-vandalizing" (XD) was not too comical. I was afraid that scene would just make people laugh... it's such an odd thing to do and I described it very *seriously*. It was intended to seem slightly absurd, yes, but nevertheless disturbing too. So, yay, the scene worked!

Thank you so much for all of the positive things you wrote! Reading comments telling me I've managed something well make me all fuzzy inside ^^
I have recently learned to pay more attention to detail, and it seems that the effort is paying off. Although I still get impatient sometimes...Like with the things you pointed out later...*sigh*
Spelling and time inconsistencies,yeah... I changed my mind several times about when the herbology lesson would be and decided to place it right before dinner because that would explain why everyone left the greenhouses so quickly...hungry people are very organized! As to the spelling of the Monass...I changed my mind about that several times too and the text bears witness to my thought process apparently. I'll go back and fix the mistakes asap!

Your point about the level of plant-ness of the Monass is quite valid, actually...I imagined them as a mixture between a worm and a big alien seed. So ultimately very slimy and gross...and I always signed off slimey and gross things as part of the realm of Herbology. I'll see what I can do about adjusting the description to be more convincing.

You have a point about the painting scene. So far, it belongs more to a subplot than anything else, so I've been trying to sneak in these details without pausing the action of the main story-line. Maybe that isn't the best way. I suppose I'll just take my own advice and split the chapter. Then I could also put in the narrator-bit I had left it out due to length. Really hate long chapters...

This was helpful as always, thank you very much! It was a pleasure swapping with you, keep fighting those mean-spirited computers, we humans will triumph yet (we do in all the movies)!


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