So they're twins too? Lol. I don't even know why it's funny, two pair of twins working in the same Project. Poor Dom can't fit in the "L-files"!
In this chapter, you also used the "we" but much more subtly and it worked just great! And sorry to be all nitpicky, but I'm always kicking myself for not giving CC so there you go :)
I really like the fact that the stry is told in first person, because it really makes it all simply more casual, and I believe that to be really important because your descriptions are pretty complex and you give us a lot of information (summarizing: I love your style, and the way this story particularly is written). Also, the use of the "you" is always something pretty endearing, though I might be a bit biased since I first read it in Narnia, well, my mother read it and that makes it all more special... BUT, (I'm rambling again), what I was trying to say is that this makes this bond with the reader that helps with the casual flow and pulls the reader in.
And makes the hole relating to your characters easier.
I'll just keep telling you this until it's chant hunts you (in a nice and non-creepy sort of way :P) becaus ei really love your characters.
And all the background you give them! This is not only for the characters though, but I think the whole giving backstory to everything is pretty cool (sorry for the lack of vocabulary) and really get us readers into your world. Or more like Dom's world. Whatever. So please keep doing that, I loved the Eyeless Monkey anecdote, an the Weasley's Delacour story, and everyone's relationship with everyone.
It's an incredibly enjoyable read, and now I'm even more intrigued by Trelawney's childhood...
Oh! And I'm favoriting this! (I should probably just go and favorite all your stories already)
_val Report Review
Aaand the master of beautiful descriptions strikes again. However, the search for this style in local bookshops is still fruitless, soaking disappointment.[/random report]
But seriously, do you write OF? Because that'd be so awesome, you could turn captivating stories like this into your own worlds and I'll surely buy them to have them on paper I'd love to hear your description of.
Anyway, this is so intriguing! Trelawney apparently doesn't remember her criminal actions, that weren't solved by the ministry, so you're presenting us these lost trances an dim so hooked!
I loved that you picked the Scamander twins for this special skill, Sight, and I'm really curious as to what it consist on because I already live gem and gah. What did you do, Trelawney? (I should probably mention I love her so...)
And I love Auror Dom. I'm really going to follow this story because it's a pretty promising mystery I'd love to solve along with your characters! (though I'm sure they'll be much faster)
One little thing though, I noticed that the use of the "we" was sort of... distracting? Maybe it's because I'm not used to it, but the times I've read it in books it's not repeated that much. It's just that your descriptions are reall beautiful and I feel that "we" might be a bit too heavy and distracting for them. But that could just be me being sleepy and rambling. (I'm always rambling)
Anyway, lovely hooking first chapter, on to the next one, and hopefully soon the next one too ;)
_val Report Review
Hi! I have read this over several times now, to puzzle out the question you posed in your review request. I really enjoy your lyrical style and don't want you to change the essential otherworldly feeling of the narration. That said, there are a few places where it would be beneficial to break up some of the longer sentences, especially in the third paragraph. A few sentence breaks in there would ease the reader's way-- just a suggestion :)
I was at first a little confused by the "we" narration and gradually it dawned on me that the opening scene takes place in a Pensieve. I am not sure where you want to take this comment; it's not a bad thing to leave a reader guessing but if you wanted to drop one more hint it would not go amiss. :)
One of the things I love about your writing is that you create such a vivid and real scene in the memories ( the smell of wool dye, hair like oatmeal, etc etc) and then along comes the action. (the piano--!). I'm so intrigued and wondering number one, how could a child Sybill be involved in a murder and number two, how in the world was a piano involved?
In my opinion you may do what you like with the organization of the Ministry, the only hard and fast established facts that I know of are that the head of the Auror Office reports to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. There may be an "org chart" somewhere, I'll look around!
I don't think I'd use the abbreviation "DOM," (department of magic?) I think I'd use MoM in its place or just have characters say "the Ministry." Unless that's not what you meant DOM to stand for :)
I like Dominique as a first-person narrator. (sad about Victoire!) I'm curious as to where a redwood forest comes in, I guess I'll have to keep reading ;)
I did notice a typo in the story info and in chapter 1; her last name is spelled Trelawney. Just a heads up!
Please do feel free to re-request for chapter 2 and any future chapters! I'm so fascinated by this story!Author's Response: HI MARY SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO RESPOND TO THIS AWESOME REVIEW
Having longer sentences which need breaking up has /always/, ALWAYS been a problem of mine and I'm sure it's something I'll always struggle with. After a while you get to know a sentence so well that you can't quite tell when other people aren't going to be able to understand it, so I'll definitely look over this again and scour for confusing, overly-complicated sentences :D
I like the mystery of the "we," especially since in prose it's virtually unseen. I'll try to figure out where I can leave some kind of hint, as you say :)
Oh, that's wonderful information, some I didn't find in my looking around the interwebs, thank you! I'm sort of flying by my seat with the organization, so as long as it doesn't seem completely fake I'm pretty content :D
Department of Mysteries--I've got another story in which I refer to the Department of Mysteries as the DOM really often, so it sort of slipped in as a quirk of habit. It's an easy thing to edit in for clarity, thanks for pointing it out! I'm so hopeless looking over my own work D:
And I pretty much always was confused by Trelawney's spelling. THANK YOUUU
Thanks so so much for your review! You've been so helpful and when I get writing on this again, I'll come back to you if your thread is still going :D
-lily Report Review
Goodness it gets even more interesting and engaging here! I really enjoyed this chapter - you have such wonderful writing skills that you manage to tell the story in a really exciting way. I loved finding out more about the Project S and what it was all about, and how they came to be researching Trelawney's case. It definitely gets more intriguing too - I can't wait to see what you have in the next chapter and what the ether is going to show them. I really love detective stories, and I really like this - I very much look forward to seeing the plot unfold!
All the characters are great! I like Dom, Louis, the Scamander twins.. even Harry, Teddy and Toire feel so canon and all of them feel like very real characters. As for Trelawney, I liked that bit with her history. When you say "A fire on the premises made Cassandra" did you mean Cecilia? Isn't Cassandra Sybill's great great grandmother or something..?
As always, really well-written, and I do hope that you get the next chapter up soon! (and that I remember to check back for the next chapter when it's up)! Enjoyed this :)
- MMAuthor's Response: Oooh I'm so glad you enjoyed this chapter, too :) I realized too from another review I'm spelling everyone's names wrong D: That's partly where Cassandra comes in--you're totally right, she's a distant ancestor, and I DID MEAN CECILIA, but before I thought of the name Cecilia I'd been using Cassandra, thinking it'd just be a family name that got passed down. Then I decided Cassandra, the one you mention, was going to be IN the story so I was like wait that's too much then changed the mother's name. I obviously forgot some of them, ugh, thanks for pointing it out! I'll fix it soon :)
I'm perilously behind on this. My page is so so so so so so so so full of WIPs, but I'm determined to make this one happen, albeit a bit more slowly than intended, probably. I have quite a problem finishing things that I start because I"m so full of energy at first and then it all fizzles out, but, alas, I'm working slowly on getting this written.
THanks so much for your reviews! They were such nice surprises :) Report Review
Ahh.. Lily Lily Lily..
Your writing is just so beautiful and exquisite and oh so lovely! I will never cease to be amazed by your descriptions and how beautiful every. single. sentence. is. "This is one thing we know Sybill has, hair, and there is a lot of it, the colour of oatmeal and twisted like wires moving out." I probably would have just written Sybill has brown hair. But you, you make every sentence have so much powerful description and gah, the words you choose are just.. your writing reminds me of poetry - i can't explain it properly but there is just something so special about your writing. I think I have said something like this before, but your writing is so special.
I love the perspective you wrote this from! Now, my english is terrible and I don't quite know what to call it, but the way you wrote with the "We" in the first bit is spectacular. Never read anything else like it, and it really works - draws me in.
The second half of this is so different to the first, yet the writing is still amazing. This is where I start asking all the questions about what exactly has happened and how it's going to tie together with the first part I just read. It's very intriguing and curious, just like your summary - it's one line but gosh, does it make me want to read it! If my point hasn't come across yet, it is that you are a very talented writer and this is a very interesting story! :)
- MMAuthor's Response: Hi Lottie!! Super lovely to hear from you :D
Aw. It's not the first time I've heard the connection to poetry, either, and to be totally honest that pleases me to NO end--a dream of mine, to be a poet, and I'm going to school to learn from some of the best, so it's so so so so nice to hear you say that!
I have only read a couple poems from the "we" perspective and, of course, the royal superlative stuff. I did it because those poems strike me as having a sort of universal tone, and because I wanted it to be a strange, mysterious experience :) But sort of it also came out of nowhere at first :P
Yes, I know the shift is a bit abrupt, but thank you so much, haha. Yes, there are a lot of questions to be asked. This story literally makes no sense until I have all of the details in place and, well, it's going to take me a bit of very /determined/ writing to get all of them in, though I HAVE mapped it all out :)
Thank you so much for reviewing, mm ! It's always so so good to hear from you! Report Review
This was so interesting! (I've read it once before but didn't have a moment to leave a review, and not it's uber late and despite my best intentions this review will probably stink.) At first, I was a little taken aback by the personage (is that a word even, one am who are you?) of the story, but you pulled it off wonderfully. I don't think I've ever read a fic with a first person plural narration, but this story was a perfect one to use it on. It definietly draws the readers into what they are seeing, and gives it all a bit of a peculiar and mysterious feel.
It was interesting to see you character choices in the second scene. Just to clarify, the 'I' is Dom?
Anyway. I wanted to compliment you on this one particular line because it was so moving and gorgeous: "there is something that is like longing in the human soul for simplicity; there are some who will never find it, we feel this too, we are those people, those cursed and damned who have to see this story converging with our own and with others and conflating with ones that seem impossibly to occupy the same space, plane, whatever it is--" Gahh. just so pretty. Can I eet it?
Fabulous first chapter!
MelissaAuthor's Response: MELLL ♥
No review from you could ever /stink/, don't be silly.
I'm glad you thought I pulled off something strange. That could be summarized as my aim in life, actually. So this is promising :P
I don't think I've ever read a story with this P.O.V., either, though I've read a couple poems with it and have been interested in the way they achieved the universal and authoritative tone that they did. So this was me mimicking that.
Ja, the "I" is Dom. I should probably make that more clear, ugh.
YOU CAN EET EVERYTHING MEL.
THanks so much for your review, jeg elsker dig (h) (h) Report Review
Wow, lovely, this is like...epic!
I'm really excited for more of this. Your writing is incredible. I cant actually get over how amazing the first half of this was. I could sink into your narrative forever. Oh, so eternally jealous!
I love what you've set up so far, how you've laced hypnotic/airy with realistic and straight down to earth. This is gonna be good...!
Laura xxxAuthor's Response: Oooh Laura strikes again haha x
That is so reassuring to hear because I had no idea whether or not people would be like, this girl, who does she think she is? Or if it would work as effectively as I had hoped, or even partly as effectively as I had hoped ;)
I love what you've said, airy with down to earth. That seems somewhat magical and ofc I'm touched that anything remotely magical could be attributed to something I've produced.
Thanks for the review, YOU lovely! ♥ Report Review
This is so beautiful, I can't get over your writing. How you can unravel a story but still use such description, i don't know how you do it because I certainly can't. This is really fascinating, i love it. It's like poetry, but it isn't at the same time.Author's Response: Oooh thank you! Poetry is always something that is a vague, at the very least, inspiration. This time it is a full-on inspiration. Mostly the tone, and I guess the description, since I am hoping to have a plotty plot.
I am hoping you will come back some time to read more chapters, I'm interested to know what you think about the rest / coming chapters :D Report Review
This is very cool. Not the best of words, but it's the first thing that comes to mind when I take into account the unique style of the first part and the fascinating twist on next-generation careers in the second part. It's interesting, novel, exciting, creative. I could use all of those adjectives. Not that I'm surprised that one of your stories would be like this - your work is wonderfully original, and I wish you'd get more recognition for it.
What you've done here so far is fantastic! It's a great way to begin a story because you introduce so much mystery and give us a taste of the next gen world that's unlike most others I've read - this latter thing alone would make me adore this story because I'm always excited to find new ways of portraying that generation. However, the primary draw of this story is the mystery surrounding Trelawney.
What is going on?!!?! What happened to the piano/organ? What did young Trelawney do? Or was it not her, but someone else? You mentioned a "he", which couldn't have been the woman who let Sybill into the church? Why a church? so many questions, and the narration (it's Dom, right?) being so mystical in style, only made things sound more mysterious.
I want to know more! *dissolves into feels* Please update soon! I'm definitely favouriting this. :DAuthor's Response: WOW YOU HAVE DISSOLVED INTO FEELS I AM DISSOLVING INTO FEELS ASKJDHFLKASDJFH
Ahem. I'll try my best to respond like a mature author now.
Wait I don't know if I can jk. "Fascinating twist" is really more than I feel I can fairly take credit for because I am sure somewhere someone has also chucked them into the Auror Department! Although I did do a couple other things that will crop up in later chapters for certain purposes--which is the vaguest sentence ever but as this is a mystery, all in the spirit of mystery, I guess!
I was originally writing a one-shot and it was all going to be in the first person plural so that it was like watching a film, but I just got all these ideas. Annie (ellerina) describes this effect as "accordion fic." I am going to assume this phrase is self-explanatory, haha, but basically this story unfolded like that.
Recognition! Seriously, you're reading it, reviewing it and having feels. That's all the recognition I need!!
Something really interesting about poetry to me is that it feels like it has some universal authority, specifically, I mean I think of Louise Gluck's poems from /The Wild Iris./ I realized after a while of thinking about it is that I get this feeling because they have a really universal tone but at the same time there is that mystery, so I always transferred this into trust in the author's credibility. In a way this makes all poems true. Each poem, absolutely so. So I thought, after I realized I was writing this with the same kind of tone, how interesting and strange would it be to pair that universality and authority (we believe what the narrator says in part because we can't see outside of the narrator--we /are/ the narrator in a literal sense!) with a literal, actual mystery. It seemed too good to be true and I felt, a real challenge and joy, if I could pull it off or do something remotely similar to pulling it off.
I'm a bit awed, to be totally honest, that this is so different than what you're used to, probably because I am literally not referencing any other story and for that reason I always assume that it's not going to be that different. I have no idea if that makes sense, but I have often felt that when I'm not doing something differently on purpose it isn't happening differently. I guess this squashes that theory :P The mystery with Trewlaney actually rose out of the sinister tone of the poem that I've written and am using for the challenge--Emily Dicksinson style, and I think she'll play a surprising role in this whole thing unless everyone is already thinking along the same lines as me and can predict it. Ahem. Puns galore.
Yes, Dom is narrating, sorry if that's not clearer! I am definitely constructing the plot around answering those questions so it is my dearest wish that I will successfully and adequately answer them, haha. I think because the style is a bit strange I need to be clear in plot points. Which is going to be a struggle for me!
I have a lot of work done into the end of the third chapter now and I am /really/ hoping to get that posted tonight/tomorrow (I always say that and it NEVER happens, fingers crossed, knock on wood, etc etc).
Thank you SO MUCH for your review, it was a wonderful surprise, and I appreciate it!!! :D Report Review
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