I absolutely adored this! This piece was so touching in the sense that Fred got to meet up with other friends/family who had passed on. I loved the inclusion of Snape, so sad when he passed :(
I didn't see any misspelled words or grammatical errors. The ending was beautiful with the note between mothers. A great one shot that I'm glad I read and glad that you wrote. Congrats on such a moving piece.
~Celtic~Author's Response: Hello :)
I'm glad you liked it! I bawled like a baby when Snape died and I wanted Fred to see he wasn't the evil guy, but a good one.
Thank you for reading and reviewing!!!
Soph :) Report Review
Oh the words I could say to describe this feeling after I read this. I felt sad, but at the same time, I could feel myself smiling. The ending had me tear up a bit as well because it was so sweet, bitter in a way because Fred's dead and his family won't see him until they pass on, but it was sweet to see Lily take over as a "maternal mother" in the afterlife.
There were little grammar mistakes along the way that tripped me up a bit, but it was nothing too critical, just simple mistakes we tend to overlook.
Overall, it was great! Thank you for sharing your piece with us all.Author's Response: Aww thank you :D xx I'm glad you liked it!
-Potterfan310 Report Review
AGH! Why? Now i wanna cry. sooo goodAuthor's Response: Aww thank you :D x Report Review
The ending made me cry. Really brilliant. :) Fred is one of my favorite characters. His death kills me. Great writing and nice detailAuthor's Response: I love Fred as well. Thanks for the review :D Report Review
Sophie, I am in tears! So sorry for the lateness, but I'm here now.
Honestly, I'm trying not to cry cos I'm in the kitchen with my mum, and if I burst into tears, it would look a little weird, but hey ho.
Anyhoo, let's go over things:
Flow- The flow was excellent most of the way through, I just noticed at some points it jummped around a little, but I'm sure if you read over it you could fix some of that :)
Plot - The plot is fantastic! When I first strted to read this, I thought it was going to be like another fic I'd read about going on a train when you die and then going to heaven etc. but it wasn't. I notice Wormtail there, I liked how you didn't say who he was and how he was sitting alone. Also, I liked how the description you gave of him meant he could only be one person, so we're able to guess, but not be told.
I love how you brought Snape him and how you said please don't be Harry, we need him, or something like this.
I love the end, that's the bit I cried at most. The letter is just heartbreaking! I honestly love this one-shot!
Desription - The descriptions were really good, although, I think you could have included some more. You might want to look over some of it and see where you can add some. But over all, I think you did a good job with describing.
Charcterisation - This was really good, although sometimes I think you came out of their characters. Lily was excellent btw, she was so kind and caring, just as Harry's mother has been described as. You made me miss them all so much more! Why did they have to die?? I want them back! Especially Lily and James, Harry needs his parents! :(
Anyway, the charcters were good but some were a bit off.
Dialogue - The dialogue was really good, although I think some of the things weren't really like something they would say, but ir's not that noticable. :)
Emotions - You did a great job with the emotions, I could really feel what Fred was feeling, and how it would be to be in that situation. But I suppose we'll all be in that situation at the end of our lives...
Writing - The writing was really good. Slightly messy here and there, but mostly a clean read :)
Grammar - I noticed quite a lot of mistakes, but I'm sure that if you read it over a few times, you'll be able to fix them :)
Overall - Overall, this was an amzing one-shot that I have added to favourites. I would happily read it again and I'll be telling all my friends about it and fource them to read it :) And, it made me cry, I love stories that do that :) xx
~ Eildih xxAuthor's Response: heya and don't worry bout the lateness.
Sorry for making you cry.
Thanks for the review. I'm waiting for it be re validated because I've edited it.
Your the secnond person to recognise wormtail Yay :)
Sophie :D Report Review
Hi, it's Aether from the forums here with your requested review. This one-shot is absolutely beautifully written, and a really great idea. It's actually everything I think a one-shot should be. I love how you stick with Fred's point of view, and we get to see the final battle from the perspective of the people who have died throughout the HP books. Really, really excellent job!
I saw some grammatical errors that I think could be fixed by a couple careful read-throughs. Here are a few:
" Well, I think so. Last time I saw her she was fighting fit and duelling some death eaters." smiled, "That's my girl, as long as she's ok."
>It seems like something just got cut out of that sentence.
"I watched the night that we moved Harry, I watched as Snape raised his wand at the death eater in front of him, he was nowhere near George or Remus."
>This sentence isn't a proper sentence. Try breaking it up into two or three sentences, or connect phrases with commas, parallel phrasing, and conjunctions.
"She seemed to understand and I watched her right a note and when she was done she folded it carefully."
>It's just a typo, but it's the kind of thing I have trouble catching on my own, so I thought I'd point it out. 'right' should be 'write.' Also, you should again pay attention to your sentences. If you have two independent phrases, separate them with a conjunction and a comma. If you have three independent phrases, you're going to have to split the sentence up into two or three sentences. Otherwise, it becomes a bit of a mouthful. Also, nitpicky people like me twitch when we see such things, which messes with flow. ;)
I love how you've defined the whole afterlife for the sake of this one-shot. You've really thought about everything: from the clothes they wear, to why they're all on the train. I also feel like you characterize Lily very well. The part at the end where she makes contact with Molly is so sweet and sad. I love it.
I was a little confused about some things, but they may not matter so much. I was under the impression (from the seventh book scene where Harry dies and meets Dumbledore) that the train station was a manifestation of Harry's consciousness. Also, Harry appeared there naked, not clothed. I figure it must just be different with Fred though, since he's not a Horocrux. Lastly, if the dead can communicate with the living, why haven't James and Lily communicated with Harry?
Great job! I really enjoyed this fanfic. You do a great job of getting to all the characters (even Pettigrew!), and your level of description is great. I feel that you could fix a few sentences to improve the flow of the story, but other than that, great job! I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for requesting! :) 10/10
AetherAuthor's Response: Hey thanks so much for reviewing :D
Thanks I didn't notice them but will change them when I edit to add the CI.
Even though it was Harry's consciousness I think that after they all die each of them would see/go to the place. Maybe because Harry wasn't actually dead he still arrived in the same place just on a different platform.
Again with the clothing thing - I think because Harry wasn't dead there was no need for the clothes as he wasn't stopping there. In the film he was clothed instead of naked.
When writing this, in my head the dead had one last chance of saying goodbye to their loved one(s) whether it be right after they died or years later.
I think that when Harry called James and Lily using the stone that was their final contact and I think they would have a feeling it would have happend which is why they waited.
I didn't think anyone noticed Pettigrew (go you!)
Thanks again :D
-Potterfan310 Report Review
Aww :) this is so sweet- I love the bit at the end where Lily contacts Molly . I think it's really delicately written and even though it's sort of sad, it ties up the loose ends with the dead characters that jk never did. It's also a nice idea, how they're all waiting for their loved ones :)Author's Response: Aww Thank you :D Report Review
sorry this is going to be a quick review since its getting late and I'm nearly alseep! Loved this, favourited it and I cried at the end because it was simply beautiful and fitted in so well :) thank youAuthor's Response: Aww thank you :D Report Review
I noticed this while scrolling through the new postings. I have read a few stories that echo this subject. To the next great adventure. It is amazing how different the views are. Yet all are fascinating. My favorite theme is Fred meeting the Marauders. This you have done with style and emotion. I loved how you portrayed each characters. Thank you so much. I'll look forward to your next.
PS When Lily stopped to visit the Dumbledore's you said there were 5 people in the compartment, yet you only introduced us to 3 excluding Albus. So who was the fifth? Not Grindenwald? Please have a followup for this.Author's Response: Thanks for the review :)
Oops I meant four, I shall have to change that :)
-Potterfan310 Report Review
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