23 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Gabriella Hunter Trouble around every corner

10th December 2012:
Hello!

Sorry that its taken me like, a century to get back to this but I've been really busy. I've got three WIPs and my real life has been sort of crazy so I haven't had as much time to read/review/stalk as I would have liked.
Anyhoo, we're back with your Albus and his gang! I like the easy pacing you have with this, I can follow it without getting distracted or overwhelmed by too many details. I think that you do need a bit more description though, I was wanting a bit more about Luke and Professor Yoki oddly cavorting around near the Forest.
Her and my Zabini need to chat. Hahah.
Rose's nosying around is really Hermione-ish and I guess that would be my only thing. I enjoy her though but I'd like you to add in a bit more about Luke to make her even MORe suspicious, so it just doesn't appear as if she's being annoying. Hahaha, not like I can talk with the way I have my Rose so its all up to you. I like alot of mystery in NG stories so I'm really enjoying the way you're setting this up and what's Professor Yoki's deal? I'm not liking that woman..picking on Albus! He had every right to listen in on her conversation! Hahahah. Not really, but I think she's up to something fishy and I don't like the smell of it. But that might just be me. Hehehe. :P
I'll be back, hopefully MUCH sooner rather than later so expect that! Also! My NG is validated and ready for you if you were wanting to continue reading on. My Albus says hello. :)
Scorpios doesn't but Lav sends you virtual hugs.
Hahah.
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Welcome back Gabbie! I had started to think that my Albus's journeys had exploded on your computer so you couldn't read it anymore XD well, now I know it hasn't.

I am sorry if you think that I am not putting enough detail with Luke and Professor Yoki, but I am trying to make them netrual for now, any reveal their secrets later. If I add too much at once, it would be too jumbled up... and my novel would be twice as shorter than planned. :/ so yeaah, sorry about that. :P

Zabini and Yoki should have a talk... along with the death eaters and Voldemort, just so they can let their anger and weirdness and darkness and whatever out on each other.

I am not making sense anymore.

So back to the point. Thanks for the amazing review and
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Review #2, by Pheonix Potioneer The Mission

9th December 2012:
Nooo! I hate your cliffhanger!

Oh, goody, Albus is finally going to tell his dad. Yipee!

AND they're confronting Professor Yoki. Things might turn out good after all.

Author's Response: maybe. he he hee
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Review #3, by Pheonix Potioneer Mysteries everywhere.

9th December 2012:
Oh, Albus, you really need to tell your Dad what you overheard. Please! The thought hasn't even occurred to him.

Yup, he is a werewolf. It is no coincidence that the moon is full.

Keep writing!

Author's Response: Luke might be a werewolf, or not... but if you keep reading you will find out soon!
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Review #4, by Pheonix Potioneer Gryffindor vs. Slytherin

9th December 2012:
Canary Creams are awesome. :)

Congratulations on the game, James! Of course James is a chaser.

Who is Cedric Weasley?

Loved the match!

Author's Response: Canary creams are awesome!
James will always be a chaser.
Cedric Weasley is one of the weasley's sons, who named his son Cedric after Cedric Diggory.
Thanks for loving the match!
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Review #5, by Pheonix Potioneer Trouble around every corner

9th December 2012:
I do NOT like Professor Yoki. She is horrible!

I think Luke is a werewolf! That would explain everything, right?

I'm scared for Albus. Professor Yoki is somebody you definitely don't want to cross.

Good work! :)

Author's Response: I don't think anybody likes professor yoki
Luke might be a werewolf... maybe... or maybe not... he he hee
I am also scared for Al. But being the author, I have to torture my characters some times!
Thanks for all of the reviews you made and
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Review #6, by Pheonix Potioneer Charms, Potions, and a few other incidents

9th December 2012:
Uh oh. Professor Yoki is certainly suspicious. It seems that the Hogwarts teachers are always up to something, doesn't it? The headmaster/headmistress should check out the teacher beforehand.

I love that line, "He told the prefects to 'Help' him do the work such as pickling slugs while he sat back and ate crystallized pineapple." So typical of Slughorn. I'm actually surprised you still have him at Hogwarts, in my Albus Potter fic, I had him retire after the war.

Yay! Albus gets to visit Hagrid.

Keep writing please!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this awesome reveiw! Hogwarts teachers are always suspisous...
I was thinking of having Slughorn retire next year because Professor Yoki keeps on bothering him... :D But I am not sure yet...
I also loved the visit to Hagrid.
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Review #7, by Pheonix Potioneer The Sorting

9th December 2012:
Hmmm, Luke's sorting was certainly interesting. I wonder who was the one boy like him.

Yay! Albus was in Gryffindor!

Love your story!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I loved all the reviews you have been making to me!
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Review #8, by Pheonix Potioneer To Hogwarts

9th December 2012:
Hmm, I wonder what house Albus is going to be in. My guess is Gryffindor.

Mike sure has a mean sister. I feel a bit sorry for him.

Luke's parents thought he was going to be a squib! Wow.

Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Mike sure does have a mean slytherin sister. x-( I almost regreted making her so mean.
Luke parent might of thought he was a squib, or Luke was lying... 0.O read and find out!
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Review #9, by Pheonix Potioneer The Letter Arrives

9th December 2012:
This is very good!

Hmm, the defense against the dark arts teacher has gone missing... that's not good.

I really like Lily. At her age, I wanted a unicorn too.

Good Work!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this awesome reveiw!
My sister wanted a unicorn. I wanted to fly.
Thanks again, and Keep Reading!


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Review #10, by MargaretLane Mysteries everywhere.

25th November 2012:
Yikes, he's dead? I'm assuming he's been murdered. Thi has just gotten even more mysterious.

*pokes Daily Prophet for writing in the elf's stutter* It makes it harder to read for one thing and serves no purpose other than mocking the elf.

I am wondering why YOU chose to include it though. Is it just to show the bigotry of the wizarding world or are you trying to show US that Ella has something to hide? Could she be involved in some way? Or is she just upset or in shock at what happened? *ponders* I'm not inclined to take her word for what happened.

Love the comment about it being a load of dragon dung.

Hmm, maybe you are just showing the biases of the Daily Prophet since they seem to be pretty anti-Harry too, but I'm still a little suspicious.

And I love how in so many next gens, people start thinking "yikes, what if Voldemort or the Death Eaters have something to do with this?" whenever something odd happens. It makes sense, because it's only 19 years since Voldemort was defeated and many of his followers or at least people sympathetic to his ideas must still be out there and then there are any children the Death Eaters may have had who were probably virtually orphaned when their parents were sent to Azkaban. They'd be in their 20s now and could well want revenge.

I wonder who Jade is.

Your chapters getting shorter isn't a bad thing. Chapters should be as long as works for them. Longer doesn't mean better. Nor does shorter, of course. If they are saying what you want them to, then they're the right length.

Author's Response: Hi Margaret! Yes, he is dead. It is mysterious... I made the Ella stutter so you can tell that she is shocked. I am sorry if it made the story hard to read and it isn't important if the Elf is shocked, I just wrote it in and forgot all about it. :/

I love that in Next Gen as well! :) Though it is a bit Cliche huh?

Jade is the DADA teacher. At least, that is what she partically is.

thanks again and I hope to see you soon!
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Review #11, by Jchrissy The Letter Arrives

16th November 2012:
Hi darling! What an interesting start!

I really loved Lily in this. She fits the part of a little girl and youngest child perfectly. I could almost hear her crying when her doll was broken. Poor thing!

I also like that you had the family living at G. place. It seems like such an awesome way to honor Sirius, by putting a family in the home that never really had a decent one.

I do think you should look into getting a beta reader. I love having one to pick up on the little typos I don't catch. Nothing turns reader off faster than poor grammar, and sometimes it's just hard to stop your own mistakes, so I do think you could earn some more readers/followers by either going through and editing your grammar or getting a beta to do it. A reader wants to read story that someone loves enough to put all their efforts into, so even if proof reading is boring, it's important.

I really like the fact that the end brought a serious bit of mystery in! But I felt like I was kind of thrown into that... maybe setting the scene at the beginning of that section, kind of bringing us into it and giving details about what room they're in, is it the middle of the night because the kids didn't go to bed or barely into the evening, are they pacing back and forth or too stressed to move... those kinds of things that really bring this to life.

This first chapter absolutely got me interested though, which is what a first one should do! I think you have a great idea here and could really get a lot of people interested with a bit of work :)!

Jami

Author's Response: Thanks! I have a beta with the other chapters, but she doesn't have time to read the first chapters yet, as she is still working on the later ones.

But I promise that this chapter will get better soon and I am soo happy that you came to review this.
~Phoenix


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Review #12, by Gabriella Hunter Charms, Potions, and a few other incidents

31st October 2012:
Hello!

I told you that I would be back! And so, like a horrible nightmare, here I am! And speaking of nightmares, what an interesting take on Albus's fear of being put into Slytherin! Firstly, who wants to be dunked into the water by the giant squid and second, the Sorting Hat betrayed him! Hhaha. Dreams are crazy like that but I liked your pacing for this and all of the outrageous things that happened to the kids on their first week. I have a bad habit of not doing that more often, things just seem to happen in the same general time span. My fault! :p
Anyhoo, I do like the teachers that you've set up as well. They're all pretty interesting and I sort of want to know what their DADA class is going to be like. And poor Albus! Getting burns on his first Potions class? How horrible is that?! Well. At least he didn't explode or have my horrible Professor Zabini around to point out how much of a failure he was. Hahah.
Anyhoo, I noticed that someone enjoys writing about little boys making panties as well! :D Yes! Share in my enjoyment! And it was Scorpius! Hahah. Yes! That makes it even better and a purple bra? Nice touch! It was hilarious! I hadn't even thought of doing that to my Albus. ;)
Now. There were a few grammar things here and there but they weren't very bad and I thought that maybe you should have the kids saying "I'm" instead of "I am" because it seemed a bit too formal. But that's just me. Polite kids are awesome. :D
I'll be back! Promise! Meanwhile, there's another chapter for my NG and if you think you can handle the angst, I've got like, other stories that you may or may not like. :D
Either way, its always a nice time to chat with you!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Your back! *dances around room*

I loved writing the nightmare. :D It was awesome... And I got the squid idea from when colin's brother, (dennis or something?) fell in the lake from the fourth book... (i think) so yeah... poor dream Albus. ;)

And thanks for liking the teachers. the DADA class is the next chapter, so read on and find out!

Pink panties and purple bra. amazing what you can turn needles into. :)

I have a beta now, so the grammar will get better.:D

And please come back soon!


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Review #13, by MargaretLane Charms, Potions, and a few other incidents

26th October 2012:
Interesting dream.

One mistake I noticed was that you've written "be careful while your living down there", when it should be "be careful while YOU'RE living down there." If you are shortening "you are", you need the apostrophe to stand in for the "a".

*laughs at Scorpius turning his needle into pink panties* That took...a certain amount of talent.

Ha, ha, typical Slughorn. Always out for an easy life and obsessed with people's families.

McGonagall doesn't have a space between the "c" and the "G"

Hmm, I've a feeling there's something more to Luke finding the potion so easy. Just because of the part where he wouldn't tell them anything more. I can't imagine what it could be, though.

Oh, yikes, Professor Yoki is a bit dodgy. I wonder what will happen once it's found out what she's teaching. I doubt it'll be long before it is.

You've left out a "h" when talking about why Albus didn't want to go to the Slug Club meeting. You said "according to is dad."

Author's Response: Wow I longie!
First off, thanks for the review!
I made a lot of mistakes one the begining chapters, because that was before I got a beta. and I really don't have time to edit them. I barely have time to write the chapters!

The needle into pink panties was halrious, I laughed so hard when I wrote that. Don't forget the purple bra!!

This is alot of hidden backround to Luke that should be revealed soon. around christmas in the book.

Professor Yoki is. evil? Freaky? read on and find out! I don't want to spoil it!

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Review #14, by Gabriella Hunter The Sorting

12th October 2012:
Hello!

I'm back! I should have come back sooner and I'm really sorry but I came back on a really good chapter about a Sorting! I always love reading NG's because the way Albus gets Sorted is different for everyone and its always really interesting to see what everyone does. Anyway, I like the feel that you had going for this chapter, it was rather light until someone was talking about Professor Jackson going missing! What's up with that?! Interesting little plot twist there, that's not something I was expecting and also, I love that you put Albus and his friends together. I'm curious to see how they all get on in Gryffindor, you know, having famous parents and all that jazz. And that prat Scorpius going to Slytherin. I don't think anything is going to bode well for the poor helpless students he decides to bully. :p
Anyway, I did like this chapter but there were some grammar things that you might want to look at but otherwise, I like the pacing and the characters very much! Also! Your staff is interesting! I never would have thought of having Parvati Patil as a teacher. :p I sort of overlooked her for some reason but I haven't seen it very much! So, good job! Anyway, I also enjoyed Wooki Walter! Hahah, Star Wars fan are you? :D I'll be back and look forward to more from my Albus and his Misfit friends in...two or three days, depending. Until then!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Welcome back Gabbie!!
I love how stories are light and casual, then something odd or tragic happens. :D So I am really happy to have done a good job.

Also, my grammar sucks. badly. I have got a beta though, so it should be better.

Please come back soon!
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Review #15, by MargaretLane The Sorting

12th October 2012:
OK, I'm obsessed with the idea of Luke being a werewolf because I immediately thought "Remus Lupin" when the Sorting Hat said he only sorted one other boy like him. But in that case I'm wondering what the "but not exactly might mean". Plus if Luke IS a werewolf and hiding it, I wouldn't have expected him to tell them exactly what the Sorting Hat said. It might put ideas in their heads.

You've written things like "could of" a few times. I think you mean "could've" or "could have."

I wonder what's happened to Professor Jackson.

Author's Response: Hmm, Luke a werewolf huh? You might be getting somewhere with that. I know, of course, but I wouldn't want to give it away, do I?

Thanks for the review!
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Review #16, by MargaretLane To Hogwarts

12th October 2012:
It sounds a bit awkward referring to Albus and James's parents as Mr. Potter and Mrs. Potter. I think it's more usual to say "his mother" or "his father".

That part about "Fine. I'll hate him tomorrow" was really amusing.

I'm wondering if Luke is a werewolf. The description of him sounds a bit like the first descriptions we got of Remus - the shabbiness and all. And I doubt you'd bring it up if he just got scratched by a cat.

To be a little nitpicky, I think the part about the four friends starting to be as soon as they meet up sounds a little bit rushed and it's kind of giving away what'll happen later - that they'll become friends. Something like "Albus and Rose really liked both boys and hope they could all become friends" would be a bit better, I think. But that's a matter of opinion, really, I guess.

Blood flavour. That's a really good addition. And I loved your taffy and what it did too. I'm not very good at coming up with new stuff like that.

James really is Fred and George all over again: making his little sister test out something that mightn't be safe without even letting her know what he is doing. And George shouldn't ask his underage nephew to do that either.

Hmm, the "my parents thought I was..." wouldn't really fit with being a werewolf because they'd surely know that. If the pause was after the "I", then it'd make sense, because it could be "my parents thought I wouldn't be allowed attend". I still think I could be right though. Maybe it wasn't that he was going to answer honestly by accident. Maybe it was just that he was deciding how to answer and that's why he paused.

There shouldn't be full stops before or after the said when you are writing dialogue. It should be '"I wouldn't be surprised, with the awful smell coming from you, not to mention the way you look," said Rose coldly.'

It makes perfect sense that Scorpius would know some magic before starting Hogwarts. I doubt Draco would care about breaking the underage magic laws.

Author's Response: Wow! This is a long response!

I know about the friend thing. I am bad at that kind of stuff. I just decided that I had to start somewhere, so I started there. *shrugs*

My Grammar is awful, so don't be surprised. *hides in corner* I have a beta now though, so chapters should be better!

thanks once again for the awesome review!
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Review #17, by cpotter96 The Letter Arrives

7th September 2012:
Amazing start I think it going to be a great story

Author's Response: Thanks! It means a lot to have positive feed back.
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Review #18, by kate The Sorting

14th August 2012:
isnt there going to be any more chapters i hope so because these ones are good and i bet the next could get better

Author's Response: Hello there!

Yes, there is going to be more chapters, don't worry! I just need to finish writing the fourth chapter, then wait till its vadilated.
I am so happy you like my story, and reviewed!
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Review #19, by Gabriella Hunter To Hogwarts

9th August 2012:
Hello!

I told you I would be back and thanks again for reviewing my story as well, I always appreciate talking to you all, it makes me very happy! :D
Anyway, there are so many differences with your story versus mine that I couldn't help talking about them! Firstly, your Scorpy is so mean and nasty,which I adore and I'm curious to see what you do with he and Albus and if things develop into pure hatred. Hahaha. They might already be there, hahaha.
Anyway, I liked this chapter but you should probably go back and edit a bit on your spelling and grammar in the first half. Aside from that it was an enjoyable read and I liked your mix of kids that Albus and Rose befriend and their backstories. Will you be going into more detail with them? I hope so! :D Anyway, I'll be back for the third chapter when I have more time so don't worry about me not reviewing again! I shall be your personal HPFF stalker. :D
Keep going please!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: hi!
Yes, I always thought scorpy should be mean and nasty like his father, and the only thing between him and albus is PURE HATRED, oh, and the jinxes they cast at each other in the hall ways. Mwahahaha...
Anyways, I will go into more detail about Luke and Mike as the story goes on. And you will find Luke's backstory and life is A LOT more complicated then usual. (oops, said too much, don't want to spoil it do we?)
I am really happy to have a great reviewer like you!
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Review #20, by Huffledor The Letter Arrives

7th August 2012:
I really enjoyed this chapter! I thought that the childrens relationships with each other and their personalities were excellently written. :)

Author's Response: Thank You!!! I am glad you enjoyed it! :) I thought that James should be kind of like James (Harry's dad) Albus should be like Harry, and Lily should be like a normal wizard little girl. And the relationships between each other are like siblings are in the real world. (Or at least at my home) I am glad you liked it and hope to see more of your reviews in the future chapters.
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Review #21, by lexicon89 The Letter Arrives

29th July 2012:
Needs work on your sentence structure and grammar. Otherwise not bad for a first attempt.

Author's Response: hello! I am sooo happy you reviewed!

Yeah, I know my sentences and grammar is really bad, :P and it was really boring to try to correct every thing, but I thought it was much worse. It's comforting to know some people like it. ;)

Keep Reading and reviewing!!!


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Review #22, by Devon The Letter Arrives

2nd July 2012:
I think this is one of my favorites I have read on this site do far!! I only give 9 because of the few spelling or grammar errors here and there. Keep up the good work :)

Author's Response: Wow a Favourite already! :) 9 out of 10, I should be jumping around in my room in happiness! ( I know my spelling sucks, i will try better)
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Review #23, by Gabriella Hunter The Letter Arrives

21st June 2012:
Hello!

I saw that this was up and I just had to look at it, it sort of reminded me of my own fanfic! Such a weird mind meld...but the way you write your Albus is different from mine and I was like, "The mind meld ends!" but anyway, I think this was a good start to your story. A bit short but I enjoyed everything and I'm curious to see how your story develops. Looking forward to it and I'll be back when you update again!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Thanks! Your story sounds good too, I will check it out when i have time! I should update soon if my computer stops having problems! I know the first chapter was short, but it will start to get longer as the story goes on. I honestly thought my first chapter wasn't so good, but to have such good reviews i guess it wasn't that bad after all!
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